Posts Tagged ‘Murrieta Dance Project’

Dance Moms: The ALDC’s About To Have A Major BoomKack Panic Attack. Chloe’s Back…And She Brought Mom!

Thursday, August 17th, 2017

 

 

When I heard that Beyoncé’s girl was coming, you know Mama had to go put on her big hair.

 

 

 

 

Did I remember to unfollow that idiot blogger on Twitter? That boy is nothing but a damn fool.

 

 

 

 

 

#GoogleItYo

 

 

 

 

 

 

I know I won’t have no regrets when I snatch those braids off her head and rock the TCAs.

 

 

 

 

You know I can see you all up in my business looking at my hair, little girl. Don’t even think it.

 

 

 

 

After I Google that Dance Lady, I need to figure out what the hell ‘OG’ even means. Seriously.

 

 

 

 

 

#Done.

 

 

 

 

It’s happening.

It’s really happening.

They’re baaaaack.

And for real this time.  I swear.

Spoiler Alert:  Not like this swearing.

Or even this swearing.

But more like #PinkySwear swearing.

Because they’re really back!

Yup.  It was the long awaited return of Chloebird and my #CyberSpiritAnimal this week!  F’realz.

After endlessly looped promos and pop-ups spliced into and onto that new So Sharp show you should totally be watching, Chloe Lukasiak, Mom Christi and the no-longer-a-baby Baby Clara finally made it back home to where they belong: Dance Moms.

Even though they kinda sorta made it back at the end of the first half of whatever number season this is now.  But that was really only long enough for Holly to lose her noodle and Abby to begin a vegan BoyToy diet that I don’t think is even legal in all 50 states.

She made them dress up like farm animals, E I E I Yo.

(And did Kalani really pick up a First Place trophy wearing a pig costume?)

Programming Note:  We’re not even remotely going in the correct episode order if you’re trying to find these bloops on your DVR.  Don’t waste your time.  I’m just trying to get you caught up.

So Chloe and Christi came back at the end of whatever.  But that one didn’t really count, even though it did get a number of tweens pretty wound up and also scored Chloe her own 10 minute weekly TV show where she gets to eat cookies off her face like that dreamy guy from One Direction.#TrueFact: This is how I fell asleep most nights when I was in college.  Don’t judge.

Because right now it’s time for the Big Return.

And a road trip to the UK for Abby Lee Miller

…who was off celebrating her last few weeks of freedom sightseeing with Steve Sanders from Beverly Hills 90210 before returning to face a judge for misplacing all that Aussie Meet & Greet moolah.

Spoiler Alert:  I think we all know how that one ends up.

Hashtag:  Carbo loading before the Big Game.

So now it was back to the ALDC LA for the rest of the gang as they waited for this week’s fill-in choreographer, who Ashlee had called in as a ringer.

Because Ashlee Allen has Beyoncé‘s choreographer’s cell phone on speed dial and you don’t.

Side note:  I bet Ashlee has plenty of extra room on her SIM card for other celebrities now that she unfollowed me on Twitter, right?  Here’s an actual BTS shot of her unfollowing me right in front of everybody else.  Tossing me aside like a pair of last season’s blue jeans that still kinda fit.

Look at how nosey that Kate Gosselin Mom is, tho.

And then this happened.

BoomKack!

SnackAttack!

Laurieann Gibson arrived.

Yes, she is.

And famous.  And she has worked with a ton of famous people.

Who she named.  A number of times.

And if you don’t know who Laurieann is…then Lawd Geezis, you better just Google it asap.

Because she said so.

So I did.  And these two pictures came up.Laurieann Gibson has never been seen in public without a coffee cup.

And it’s true because it’s on the internet and I Googled it.

We love Laurieann.

I mean mad LUV.  Spelled wrong and all in caps.

She’s one of those choreographers who screams and yells and gets all like BoomKack CrackerJack when she’s counting out the beats in the music.  And you better listen or else.

Because she’s a better dancer than you and has way better CGI-animated hair than that lady in the new Inhumans show coming out this fall.

Laurieann has worked with Lady Gaga (…who they showed in a photo…) and Beyoncé, who they did not show in a photo because my Producer boy was so busy photobombing the Moms’ Teens Choice Awards Instagram videos that he forgot to get clearance from Jay Z.

Side note:  I love when they call my boy “Producer” in the subtitles to make it look like Martin Scorsese is responsible for last week’s social edition episode.

Yeah. I kind of am.

Laurieann’s goal was to bring out the best in the girls and break the robotic spell that Abby had placed on them over the years.

Q.  Anyone feel like Abby holds you back?

Side note:  #HollyFace and #HollyHair was on point for the full hour.  It just was.

This week the gang was headed to Fierce National Dance Competition because that’s where they go every other week.  The group routine was entitled “Judgement Day” and would involve the Big Girls walking two Minis on leashes, because why not.

Solos went to Nia, Camryn and that little girl Maesi, who has the best D’oh smile evah.

Her Mom does this to her hair on purpose, BTW.

I don’t know how.  Or why.  But she does.

Nia and Kendall both had breakthroughs getting past some of Abby’s wear and tear…

…and then–

Wait.  What?

AwHellNah.  I don’t think so.

#MomCrush.

Look at Jill trying not to smack that thing right off her stupid head.

I think I need some fresh air after that.

Christi…crack the window, willya?

Yaaaaaas!  They’re really back!

And headed into enemy territory across town at the Murrieta Dance Project.
Which I found to be a little concerning.

Not that I don’t love me some Erin Babbs.  Because I do.

She’s awesome sauce.  And she runs a tight ship over there at the MDP.  Squeaky tight.

They require sewn-in elastic on ballet and pointe shoes (…no wire hangers or tied together footies…) and only give you 5 minutes to fix your hair before rehearsal if you show up a hot a** mess after school.

They also apparently require your Dad to build you a time machine because their current website lists 2015’s holiday hours and a big full page blurb announcing Revue tickets that are going on sale 3 months ago if you click a non-existent link.

Yes.  And I own it.

So aside from the fact the MDP website dress code repeatedly stated boy’s knees needed to be visible so many times that I felt momentarily violated, I was also questioning why Christi’s new car was equipped with one of those fish eye spy cams and if she knew it and why she wasn’t wearing a seat belt.

But then I saw the restraining device under all her new hair.  And speaking of…

PLEEEEZ tell me you saw Christi’s social media post the day she was getting her hair did for the Teen Choice Awards.  Look at that dude trying to find a clean spot to eat his lunch on that Table o’ Tracks.

It takes a village.

The only other time I’ve ever seen that much TumbleWeave in one place was two years ago on Black Friday in a Best Buy parking lot.  Cuz I know you didn’t just take that last widescreen plasma and then text my man while I was in line getting a George Foreman and an Amazon Echo Dot.

Alexa.  F*** that bitch up right now.

Q.  Why are all those cars going in so many different directions?  Is she even on the road right now?

And how hilarious is it that she took the long way to MDP just so they could drive by the prison where Abby is going to be staying?  I mean, C’mon.  Set your GPS…I feel some Sunday road trips coming on.

And they don’t allow cameras, so it’s ok to flip the bird out the window, kids.

But I digress.

Erin is awesome and she put Chloe through a rusty private rehearsal and a group routine that got Chloebird a little weepy, but apparently all dance studios have that secret room where all the kids run off to and cry when they wobble out of their turns and feel like New Kids on the Block. I hate seeing kids cry.

Meanwhile, back at the ALDC LA, which is what I think it’s still called until somebody (…Spoiler Alert…) comes and rips all the logos off the brick walls, the three girls were rehearsing their solos.

Nia:  No Regrets.  Maesi:  Black Sheep.  Camryn:  Weight of the World.

All three girls are good and all, but we need to take a minute and remember Nia’s journey.

Do it.  Because she and her Mom are da bomb diggity.  Somebody raised her right.

#FamilyGoals.

BoomKack PaddyWhack Hello Kitty Tic Tac.

And then the four oldest dancers all went for hot chocolate on a 94 degree LA day, which was pretty insignificant in the grand scheme of things except for the fact that Brynn is literally every white girl on planet Earth when it’s Starbucks Pumpkin Spice Latte time.

Look at her go.

I would totally DM her Mom and tell her how totes adorbz her kid is, but…you know.  Twitter.

Oh.  And there was also a flashback to when Chloe and Christi left 3 years ago and Chloe was crying and Christi was calling Abby a fat 45 year old which, if you do the math and plus it back up, doesn’t even come close to the age that I bet was on the clipboard when the prison matron took all of Abby’s jewelry and Tupperware.  #DanceMath.

And then with one day to go before competition, this happened.

Same.

Finally, it was Showtime!

#CyberSpiritAnimal Christi showed up wearing the same red coat that Jackie O wore in the Lifetime movie that’s on Netflix this month.  I’m ok with her lifting some presidential couture from the prop room when the guard goes on break.  She looked hot.

#MomCrush Jill showed up wearing those blush pink aviator sunnies that are all the rage at Hot Topic right now.  Cuz she trendy and stuff and Ryleigh won’t even notice they’re missing until the episodes airs and by then it’s too late anyway.  I love Jill so hard.

#UpdateYourWebsite MDP showed up still holding the Vistaprint vinyl banner they’re planning on marching with in last year’s Macy’s parade.  Erin should wear her hair down more often.

#CuzImBeyoncésChoreographer Laurieann showed up praying to Jesus that her styrofoam cup is always full o’ Joe and to give her the strength to not snatch that iPhone out of that little girl’s hand because ain’t nobody shooting her from the backside in this lighting.

BoomKack PepperJack.

#ProveThemWrong Chloe showed up with her new MDP friends but was having some serious ALDC separation anxiety.  It gets better, Peanut.  Just hold on a little longer.

And then I don’t even know what happened.

If you’re a skimmer, the whole scene can be summed up in this one photo:

Jill started screaming at Christi.  Christi started screaming at Jill.  Rinse & Repeat and then air dry.

Kendall never texted Chloe in 3 years.  Oh yes she did.  Oh no she din’t.

Who’s a studio hopper now, Christi?  Who’s a bitch now, Jill?  You’re an OG.  I’m an OG.  You’re not an OG.  You can’t leave and come back and studio hop and still be an OG.  You were never an OG.  Pull up Season One on your damn DVD.  Who dat lady?  Who dat lady?  I’m an OG.  No she’s not.

Same, Kira.  Same.

When it was all over, everyone went to opposing corners to let the dust settle and I realized that I forgot to stick this picture into the recap.  Look at how cute this kid is.

Minis ain’t feeling any of this BS right now.

And what ever happened to that front door picnic bench that Jill bought Abby way back when she was or wasn’t an OG?  Did we ever locate it?

The whereabouts of that bench and the stuffed dog is why I have trust issues.

And then it was over.

Apparently it’s a two-parter.  Who knew?

This week wore me out, folks.  I’m exhausted.

Somebody call me an Uber.

Dance Moms: When The ALDC Does David Bowie In Las Vegas, You Better Put All Your Money On Mama Drama.

Wednesday, March 30th, 2016

jjk

 

 

I think I’ll just hide back here behind you until whatever is happening stops happening. Srsly…

 

amz

 

 

 

Just saying that if either of you try to leave me, I’ll snap both your necks like this. We good now?

 

nb

 

 

 

Don’t cry, Peanut. Lemme tell you a little story about the International Year Of Nia. That one always cheers me up.

 

giphy-1

 

 

 

Them Haters already tryna take back my new ALDC jacket. Help me, Obi-Wan. They’re all nuts.

 

vibe

 

 

 

So clearly, nobody bothered to read my sweatshirt before you decided to get all up in my grill.

 

afb

 

 

 

I promise you this, sweetie. If we’re both still alive in 5 years, I’ll take you out for a real drink.

 

 

jkg

 

 

I know that I haven’t slept for 72 hours, so you might wanna get that hand outta my face, asap.

 

 

 

You know what they say.

What happens in Pittsburgh doesn’t stay in Pittsburgh.

Because they totally say that, right?  It never stays there.

It usually just ends up moving to Los Angeles and eventually taking a road trip to Vegas.

Which totally happened on Dance Moms.

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Vegas, Baby.

That’s right.  The ALDC was headed to Sin City for another Sheer Talent Competition this week and the odds were stacked in favor of some major Mama Drama before they even got any of their luggage on the bus.

And it started the second the credits finished rolling, with another one of those Random Moments of Chaos that the show likes to open with lately.

The gold Charleston costume was missing.

I swear.  The gold one.  And it was missing.

Sucked into the black hole known as The Back Storage Room.

And whoever was helping Abby Lee Miller dig through that mountain of plastic Target dump bins and Hefty Cinch Saks couldn’t find it to save her Life.  Or her job.

We also learned that Abby had spent the last 2 hours looking for a bolt of material that she specifically requested be pulled the night before by who I can only assume would be one of the random Boy Toy guys who are always walking around in the back of every shot carrying their lunch and a clipboard.

f

Side note:  I’m not really sure why those two fabric swatches match the map of Africa, or why there’s even a map of Africa on the back wall of a Los Angeles, CA dance studio store room/dorm room in the first place.  Or why it has to be so massive.

But there is.  And they do.

And I just bought a pair of suede shoes at Nordstrom that are the same color as Ethiopia, which is a rugged, landlocked country located in the Horn of Africa, split by the Great Rift Valley and known for its archaeological finds dating back more than 3 million years.

63c

As Abby dug through a few more bins and Ashlee sat all by herself out on the empty MomBleachers with no friends (…she said it, not me…) we hitched a ride in Melissa‘s Uber to test out her newly installed CarCam.

Because she got one.

Check it out.  It’s like that taxi cab show where you try to win money.

carTakeaways from this scene:

1.  Maddie was starting to question whether she actually wanted to stay at the ALDC until retirement.  Hollywood is calling, yo.

2.  Mackenzie was stuck all the way in the back and didn’t even have one of those iPads that you can velcro to the back of a headrest and watch Frozen.

3.  Melissa ran a red light.

car runs red light between two carsKidding.  We love Mama Z.  And we didn’t actually see it happen.

Regardless, once Melissa got the cops off her tail and made it to the studio, Abby attempted to start the Pyramid of Shame.  With ‘attempted’ being the key word.

I don’t know.  It all happened so fast I had to rewind a few times.

Abby congratulated Brynn on finally becoming a legit member of the ALDC team.  JoJo hugged her.  Because she’s a hugger.  And things seemed to be going ok so far.

jj

Until Ashlee opened her mouth and asked how Abby really felt about Moms who didn’t agree with last week’s results and who–

Boom.  Melissa cut her off at the knees.  All you want is drama.  Let’s just do Pyramid.

Ashlee raised her hand and her voice, which is never a good thing.

Duh.  I know what you think.  I wasn’t talking to you.  I was talking to Abby.

Oh snap.

#HollyFace Number One:  OhLawdHereWeGoAgain.

hThe whole thing escalated so quickly that before you knew it, everyone was yelling and crying and crying and yelling and running and bumping into cameramen who were bumping into each other and chasing Moms around the building like it was Nascar.

Ashlee said my MomCrush Jill was just jealous that Brynn was having a better season than Kendall.  Yeah, she said that.

And it’s true, she said.  Because it was all over #SocialMedia.

Social media?  Really?  Have we learned nothing in 6 seasons?

Kendall cried.  Which made JoJo hug her (…because she’s a hugger, remember…) and made Jill lose her nutty.  Don’t listen to her, honey.  That’s a lie.

She’s a Fool!  She’s a Fool!

giphy-3Yeah.  What he said.

Don’t talk to my kid.  Don’t look at my kid.  All you do is tear down kids.

You tear down kids every day, Jill.  No I don’t.  You tear down kids every day, Ashlee.  No I don’t.  Yes, you do.  No I don’t.  Yes, you do.

i_know_you_are_pee_wee_hermanAnd then it happened.

KK yelled at Ashlee.

111Wait.  What?

At first she politely said “No, I’m sorry.  She doesn’t do that…” when Ashlee accused Jill of trash talking Brynn all the time.  But when Ashlee got back in her face, KK lost her noodle and screamed “Why are you so mean?!?!” before taking off out the door, followed by Jill, who was all like…

tumblr_lq038n2QhS1qbnfoaWow.

The Kids are becoming like their Mothers.

Or at least that’s what Holly said.  And Holly’s always right.  And this time the whole scene was so horrifying that Holly made every emoji face in the entire IOS 9 update.

h1 h2 h4 h3

I love Holly too much.  Smiley Face emojis with hearts for eyes x Infinity.

Next thing you know, everyone was pouring out into the lobby and crying and hiding and getting subtitled behind the door of whatever this bathroom-looking thing is…

doorFind Out Next!:  Shout out to whoever that now-unemployed intern was who decided to lay that Will They Or Won’t They? graphic smack on top of the other subtitles right in the middle of the good part.

d2What the what?  Now I’ll never know what they were saying.

Brynn cried.  And then cried some more.

And then somebody else cried but I only heard them and never saw who it was.

Thankfully, The Artist Formerly Known As Just Nia came to Brynn’s rescue like some kind of slo-mo #SLAYwatch lifeguard (…just like her Mama taught her, BTW…) and scurried the poor thing out of the line of fire and into her mother’s waiting arms.

ash3Recycled Analogy:  Once again, it was just like when an airplane is taking off and/or landing and all the babies on board start crying at the same time because their little ears are popping and there’s nothing you can do but hold them until the pilot turns the light off.

Crazy.  Pants.

mbMackenzie even cried, but I forget why.

Side note:  Is it just me or…?  I swear they’re using the same background music they used on the soundtrack for that new Dawn Of Justice movie.  Am I right?

Look at Jill going after Ashlee when she made Kendall cry.
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Dang.  Mrs. Vertes don’t play.

#HollyFace Number 746:

h5We’re supposed to be Role Models.

Once the dust settled and I realized that it had only been NINE minutes since the show started…yes, you heard me…it was clear that the Pyramid was not gonna happen this week unless we were talking a 4 hour episode.

That’s right.  This recap is already half over and there hasn’t even been a commercial break yet.  Clearly, Imma need to trim back on some of the last 50 minutes of this thing.

Using the same psychic skills which allowed her to know how soon that yellow light was going to turn red, Melissa correctly predicted that MackZ, Brynn and Kalani would be performing solos at the competition if anyone actually got any dancing done this week.

Brynn would portray Princess Leia from Star Wars.  Kalani was going to wear Big Girl heels in a Fred Astaire Musical Theater routine.

And Mackadoodle would be channeling Jennifer Lopez, which made me very happy since Jenny From The Block never wore pigtails.

Melissa made a lot of these faces this week.  Something’s up.

m3

Look at Holly during all this post-drama drama.

hp2015-07-16-1437082928-9455988-pretzels_making_me_thirsty

The group routine was going to be a tribute to David Bowie, complete with (…Spoiler Alert!…) this lightening bolt thing on their faces and big, over-sized blazers like you used to see on MTV when it was actually MTV.bowieis2Trust me, kids.  They used to have music on the music channel.  It was trippy

giphy-4And speaking of trippy.

The next day, Abby took Maddie out for some Girl Talk and a non-alcoholic beverage at the same Sal’s Restaurant they went to FIVE years ago when they were just visiting LA.

Flashback Alert:  Pocket Maddie was back!CHpDyxPWEAA43W6Look at her scoping out that martini like it was her first night on the town with a fake ID.

mfbsal

Where did the time go?

Season One Abby even made a special guest appearance, which was worth the cover charge and two drink minimum all by itself.  Where did the weight go?

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Please tell me that’s not Melissa working the front desk in a beach cover-up.

With one day to go before Sheer Talent, Brynn had skipped school because she wasn’t feeling well, but had made it to rehearsals in the afternoon.  So you know how well that was received by the other Moms.

js2Luckily, Principal Holly came to the rescue and yanked everyone outside to the playground so the cafeteria wouldn’t get trashed during a study hall rumble.

What have we become?

2813cd6cd895ec793e55673a1dc1351dThank Gawd for Holly Frazier.  Voice Of Reason, She Is.

Short Version:  Jill and Kendall returned.  Kendall was wearing a snarky shirt that I enjoyed immensely and which didn’t go unnoticed by Twitter.  Jill cried in her interview whatchamacallit because of everything that Kendall has gone through lately.  And then the ALDC team actually put some ‘Dance’ back into the ALDC and got some rehearsing done.

Finally, it was Showtime!

giphy-2

And time for Michelle Obama to arrive at the venue.

obama

I know, right?  She even has a Secret Service guy in sunglasses working the Sheer Talent detail just in case some 6 year old girl tries to bring down the First Lady with a piece of poster board covered in glitter glue.

And look at the dude behind her in the black tank top.

Somebody’s doing West Side Story today.

obama2Gah.  I love this show.

And Holly.  And the other Moms, of course.  #LIFE.  And some more emojis.

As part of her research, Brynn finally watched a couple of Star Wars movies since she wasn’t even born when they first came out.  In 1977.  Before electricity.

leiaWhen I did the math and figured out how much older I am then Brynn, tho.

leia-what-1438796540tumblr_n5dftfPwk71qg4blro2_500Before the show, Abby grabbed JLo-Z by the throat and let everyone know that she was born into the ALDC and that she had residency (…whatever that means…) and then gave her a noogie on the top of her head and squeezed her so tight she blacked out for a moment.  Guilt anyone into sticking around much?

TMZ Update:  Melissa still won’t say what the dealio is after this season.

Mackenzie’s solo was much more grown-up than her usual handstand-in-a-circle thing she usually busts out on stage.  I think this is the Year Of The Growth Spurt.

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Kalani was straight up Broadway Baby.

I see a potential Rachelle ‘Sas’ Rak 2.0 in the making.

kh

I bet Rachelle even subliminally planted something in the brain of every one of those kids back on Abby’s Ultimate Dance Competition that’s going to eventually turn them all into SasRobots unless someone says the Safe Word.

I saved a Smiley Face Heart Eyeball emoji for Rachelle, too.  XO

Brynn was nervous, but she nailed her routine…l3

…even landing on the ground like this a couple times.

a2465a2e0c394136a7f3bc759c11e98aBackstage after the solos…with all the Moms momentarily MIA…the girls were screwing around like plain old girls and having fun and goofing and getting excited for the David Bowie number.

mbw bw

JoJo was so excited she even tooted a little.pepe_baboonbw2bw4
Gross.  But they’re kids, I guess.

The group dance did David Bowie proud.

It was all technicolor and music video-y and made me want to immediately bring back shoulder pads as a must-have fashion accessory. tumblr_o4t0xuBBF51tb8iyko3_500mzbThe Results:

A different West Side Story kid took 3rd Place in the teeny tot solo division, which left room for Mackenzie’s 2nd Place and Brynn’s top spot First Place.  Yaaaaaas, girls!  Yaaaaaas!

Side note:  What’s this kid looking at?

c

Yeah, that’s the lady in the beach cover-up.

Now mind your own business.  We’re trying to make a TV show here.

Kalani scored 2nd Place in her age category and the ALDC group routine snatched First Place!  Not a bad day at all, if I do say so myself.

And how about that blinged-out iPad?  Holy smokes.  Put that thing down.ipad

Everyone was happy for a brief couple of seconds.  Until Ashlee noted that all the stress leading up to the competition had made her daughter stress out, that is.

Which, as a mother, made her sad.

Which then made all the other mothers try and figure out where do they go from here?

This week was definitely a wakeup call for the Moms.  Some of their drama was leaking onto their kids way more than they originally thought it was the last few months.

And Holly wasn’t liking it.

She was liking her outfit, tho.  Look at her.

Mama knows she’s on point this week, mmmkay?

hlgClearly, they all had some work to do.

Just not right now.

For now, everyone just needed to get back to LA, lick some wounds and regroup for the next round of competition.

And fix this.

Not try to fix it.

Fix it.

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Dance Moms: Ease On Down, Girl! It’s Finally Brynn’s Big Moment…So You Know We’re Not In PA Anymore, Toto.

Wednesday, March 23rd, 2016

b

 

 

OMG. They’re all literally looking at me like nobody’s ever seen anyone with a brain before.

 

 

kh

 

 

Hate to burst your bubble, ladies, but I’m a big girl now. I don’t need anyone babysitting me.

 

 

cb

 

 

I’m telling you, she either gets outta my face right now or I’m dropping a house on her so hard…

 

 

giphy-2

 

 

 

All you have to do is sickle your lazy feet three times and say ‘Get me the hell back to Pittsburgh.’

 

nia

 

 

 

It totally sucks. But remember when it’s all over…the Lion ends up being King of the Forest, ‘kay?

 

 

oz

 

 

Sorry, Dorothy, but I got nothing in my bag of tricks that can fix this mess. You’re on your own.

 

 

kg1

 

 

I probably shouldn’t have thrown that milk bottle, because now I can’t get the baby to stop crying.

 

 

 

 

Toto?

What the–?

giphy-3

I don’t think we’re in Pennsylvania anymore.

Actually…61b44114-ef7a-4d9c-a697-65df09334cd6

a4

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Never mind.  I know we’re not.

Because this place is even crazier than Pittsburgh on a good day.

Dat’s rite, Dorothy.  Dance Moms went Over The Rainbow and straight into rush hour traffic this week with an episode full of guest stars, returning favorites and enough Mama Drama to send anyone screaming back to Kansas.

So let’s do this, shall we?

As the team pulled up into the ALDC LA parking lot to start the show, everyone was jumping up and down with excitement to see that new Mom Kira had finally returned to the studio after 3 months of maternity leave.

Everyone except Ashlee, of course, who was more like…

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…but without the cocktail, because it was still early.

After spending the last 12 weeks at home with her ridiculously cute newborn baby boy Jett (…Spoiler Alert:  While Melissa may or may not have been happily keeping an eye on Kalani for free…) Kira was back at the ALDC, despite vowing to never return as long as Ashlee remained on the premises.

But Kira was back.  Because her kid wanted to be there.

Which…FYI…is a line that every Dance Mom is contractually obligated to utter at least once a season, along with “I’m Done!” and “I swear Abby has lost her damn mind.”

True Fact:  I’ve read the fine print.  It’s in there.

Even Abby Lee Miller appeared happy to see Kira arrive as she ran out to greet the new Mom, bearing a gift bag that appeared to be just random giraffe parts shrink-wrapped up the same way Macy’s does their cosmetic sets on the weekend before Mother’s Day.

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Not to be gross, but it looked exactly like a baby giraffe does when it’s born, right before it drops out and the water sac breaks.  Am I right?

Maybe it’s an LA Thing.

Regardless, that kid’s gonna be in his second year of Law School before Kira gets all those stuffed animals untangled.  But it’s the thought that counts, I guess.

So thank you, Miss Abby.  XO

My MomCrush Jill was exceptionally happy to see Kira show up, because if Kira could bully Ashlee a little bit…more power to her.

Side note:  I don’t know what editors Jill pissed off this season, but they aren’t cutting her any slack.  Lawd.  And I know what the haters are gonna say…so please don’t bother.

There’s chatrooms for that kind of stuff, thank you.

I love all the Moms, so let’s keep it fun in here.

j

Plus we need to talk about how long Jill’s nails are now, anyway.  No wonder she can’t use an ATM or pick up the phone and answer my stalker calls.

Inside the studio, Abby got right to the Pyramid of Shame.  It was going to be a busy week, so there was no time to waste chit chatting and screaming.

And speaking of Pyramids.  It was backwards.

I know, right?  Stop the Madness.

Abby started at the top.  And the top row was even a 2-fer this week.  I don’t think they’ve ever done that before, have they?  Do we even want to live in a world where nothing makes sense anymore?

The Z-Team, Maddie and Mackenzie, topped the charts.  Maddie’s solo had taken First Place at last week’s competition, so her spot was a given.  And while MackZ was MIA in PA, she had beaten out 200 girls for a scholarship to who knows where.  Scholarships always make me think of Harvard, so I’m going to say that she got a full scholarship to Harvard University’s Gymnastic Program and leave it at that.

Side note:  Macka-Whacka didn’t make this #MackFace until the very last second of the episode, but it’s way too good to waste.  What The What?

mkz If you look real close, her eyeballs are actually on bouncy springs.

The Middle Row of the Pyramid was full of Nia, Kendall, Brynn and Kalani.  Which left JoJo all by herself at the Bottom, because Abby ran out of kids.

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Q.  Is her head shrinking again or are the bows still getting bigger?

This week, the gang was headed to Xpression Dance Competition, where they’d be competing in not one…but TWO…trio performances.

Seven kids.  Two trios.

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Jill did some quick calculations (…in that exact same outfit, BTW…) and realized that one girl was going to be left out of the mix, which led to THE most uncomfortable round of team picking since we had dodgeball tryouts in my 8th grade gym class.

Brynn and Maddie were chosen as captains.  If Brynn’s team won, she would finally get to become a legit member of the ALDC.  If they lost, who knows.

TeamBrynn:  Kalani and Mackenzie.

TeamMaddie:  Kendall and JoJo.

TeamHollyFace:

h

And…
h1

And…h2Look at that vein in her neck.

Granted, you can’t protect your child from everything.  We know that.  But that didn’t make it any easier when Nia was left standing all by herself, surrounded by friends she had known for the last 12 years while some newbie transfer from another school came in and apple-picked all her favorite dancers.

Side note:  It all works out in the end, Sasha.  Don’t you worry.  Trust me, all those dumb jocks who didn’t pick me in dodgeball are regretting their decisions now while they’re out there in the cold pumping gas and I’m home in my onesie writing a Dance Moms blog.

6357269629384875472021991232_dodge2 tumblr_mu0s4wSaE21rpz385o1_400I swear that sounded way more motivational in my head.

#TeamNia.  #NiaNation.  #JuniorHighIssues.  #MovingOn.

Luckily, Nia would get to participate in the group dance, tho.  And it was a big production.

As in:  Commercial Production.

Turns out Abby was using a huge chunk of the week’s rehearsal time to create an elaborate Wizard of Oz-themed ‘Web Commercial’ for the ALDC, to help drive business into her new studio.

Which I guess meant that the only benefit she was seeing from those gigantic window banners they installed last week was a reduction in sun glare during the late afternoon.

And then the ‘Web Commercial’ would somehow be stretched into a group dance for the competition this weekend.  Ok.

Don’t Ask Dept.:  No clue what a ‘Web Commercial’ is, unless it’s that thing you skip after 3 seconds when you’re trying to watch a youtube video.  I’m not sure.

You should probably ask a viral video youtube star.

Like…I dunno…Todrick Hall maybe?

Boom.

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Yaaaaas!  That’s rite, ToddBalls!  Todrick Hall was in the hizzle to direct the commercial!

You know Todrick.  Or you should.

There’s only one of him, tho…not four…even tho the world would probably be a happier place if there were.  But he’s only one guy from American Idol and youtube and Target and about a gazillion Disney-related whatevahs.  He’s an amazing video producer and performed with the ALDC on that ‘Freaks Like Me’ song wearing Mickey Mouse hands.

You can even check out my all-time favorite Beauty and The Beat’ right here.

And don’t say I didn’t tell you so way back when.

Trivia Night:  Todrick also likes to wear LA zip codes on his head and do back flips a lot.

So there’s that, I guess.

tumblr_o4gj4xwr1X1tb8iyko1_500The next day, it just got weird.

Abby took Melissa shopping for Wizard of Oz clothes (…wherever one goes to find that kind of thing…) which left the rest of the Moms unchaperoned and ready to chew on each other’s necks.

I don’t even know how it started, but all of the sudden everyone was pig piled on top of each other on the MomBleachers and screaming and swearing and accusing each other of everything but war crimes.

Jill said Kira used Melissa for free babysitting.  Jessalynn said Kira called Melissa a bad person.  Kira defended staying at home so her new baby didn’t starve while some of the Moms may or may not have tried to make her feel like she abandoned Kalani.

Side note:  I love this show.  And I love editing.  The Perfect Storm.

Because this happened.

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And then Jessalynn told Kira she wasn’t the most brightest person in the room.

635770204990473151-1965721270_tumblr_inline_nry1ueH2fM1s2wbut_500She said that.  Not the most brightest.  I loved Jess in her PJs last week.

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And this happened, I think.  I forget.  j1And then this happened.k4And then Kira did this, but it was plastic.giphy-1(1)Which made Holly do this.
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And then this.  Or maybe it was the other way around.h6And then Kira cried and Jess got up and left and was suddenly sitting back down again.

I couldn’t get out of there fast enough.

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Bonus Points:  For Holly when she snarked about Abby being out of the building again.

“Why even show up?  Oh, that’s right.  Because you live here.”

tumblr_lq035oF2qT1qbnfoa#AndScene.

Thankfully, the next day came around fast and we got some relief with the filming of the ‘Web Commercial.’  And let me tell you that thing went up in the Twister and landed smack down in the middle of CrazyTown so fast I dunno what happened.

While Abby was getting her makeup done…

9b61ca548458f77b36a65baaeb90fbee…the rest of the girls were busy getting into character.

There was a Scarecrow, a Good Witch and a Cowardly Diva Lion.

kn2A sassy Tin Man and fierce Wicked Witch.jkkAnd even Toto, too.

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Which is actually the iconic Mouse Dance and the perfect opportunity to prove my point that…20 years later…we’re still dressing Mackenzie Boo like she’s in her first school play.

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As was expected, Abby tried to take over the production a number of times.  That’s kind of her thing, you know.  And now Todrick knows it.

thLook at Kendall.  Werk It, Witch.
kkThis is totally how I lay on my desk when I finish up all my paperwork early.  Fire me.

wwSup?

31Did I forget to mention the part when Abby went out into the middle of the street during rush hour to stop cars so all these young children could dance in the middle of LA Freeway traffic just to pimp out her studio?  I might have.

Because that totally happened.

But the Moms weren’t having it, no matter how much Abby insisted.  Sometimes, as a parent, you have to draw the line.  Especially when it’s dotted.  And yellow.

And bumper to bumper.

So, yeah.  That didn’t happen.  But we did get to see Abby lose another screw in her head, which was fun.  And the production seemed to go well, even though the whole thing felt more like an auto showroom commercial than a dance studio.

Come on down to the ALDC!  Our prices are INSANE!

carsalesFinally, it was Showtime!

And almost out-of-time because we spent so much time screwing around with funny pictures this week.  But it was worth it, right?

For some reason, the trios were last, so first up we got to witness what was basically a 30 second spot for the ALDC run 4X to fill the time requirements of a group dance.

tumblr_o4gjaidp2e1tb8iyko1_500Ease On Down that Santa Monica Blvd., kiddos.

Both trios went really well…tumblr_mb7dk00c4j1rdutw3o1_400

tumblr_mchh46bEAs1r28h5so1_500 …even tho Maddie fell out of a turn early and now the Apocalypse is upon us.

Look at how cute Brynn is.

b1Always the team player, Nia was there to support the other girls, even though they technically boned her a little bit in the first quarter of the game.

But she’s good like that.   And mature.  And raised right.

And she got to flat iron her hair like a Boss while they were all stressing out.  So #WIN.

nhWhen it was all over, the group somehow managed to slip the price of ALDC tuition into their music about 27 times and then slipped away with First Place.

Even Holly was all like…

h4And then Brynn’s trio beat out Maddie’s trio and now Armageddon is also upon us.

#TURNGATE?  We’ll never know.

So that meant that Brynn finally got her ALDC logo jacket and even got to wear it for a hot minute before Ashlee and Jill and a couple random strangers in the front lobby all started screaming about a set up and a rigged dance competition.

Turns out that the emcee had not only worn a stunning chapeau, but also announced the wrong NUMBERS while awarding the titles to the correct TRIOS.  Still with me?

Don’t worry about it.

Ashlee cried.  Brynn cried.  Jill kept looking at Abby’s phone even though she said the photo of the score sheets on Abby’s phone didn’t mean anything to her at all.

Kendall told Jill that Ashlee said the other Moms were mean to Brynn.  Everything was crazy and everything I just reported may have been out of sequence.

And then Ashlee took off, momentarily leaving Brynn just standing there while Melissa got all like OhHellNah I’m Not Doing Free Babysitting Again.

ml1

Then it was over.

And I’m outta here.

I gotta lay down.  This show wore me out this week.

See ya down the road a bit.

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