Posts Tagged ‘Nia Frazier’

Dance Moms: Holy Moly, Chloe! It Was Starbound To Happen Sooner Or Later. But Can You Really Go Home Again?

Thursday, February 23rd, 2017

nia

 

 

I just can’t believe it’s been 7 years and they still haven’t filled one pothole in this parking lot.

 

 

ch

 

 

This kitchen remod is way over budget. Put your shoes on, girls…it’s time to go snatch up some Lifetime coins.

 

 

jill

 

 

 

Did I tell you that I’m dropping a hip, new musical video this week? It’s already on my FacePage.

 

 

 

 

 

So ignore it. Do it anyways. Prove them wrong. And read DanThat’sCool. Hear that, haters?

 

 

cns4

 

 

A few treats from Canton’s Jerky King in the gopher trap and just like that I got a new fur stole.

 

 

ab

 

 

 

FYI. Sing Sing’s an all-male, maximum security prison, you idiot. But Mama does like her boys.

 

S01-E01_15-06

 

 

 

We were gonna show up, too, but that one couldn’t find her phone and they left without us.

 

 

 

Quick question.

Asking for a friend, of course.
chloe

Dat’s rite.

We’re back.  At least for one week, anyway.

So try to contain your enthusiasm…fDaXui9…because it’s really happening, people.

The long awaited reveal of the worst kept secret in the history of Reality TV.

And me finally getting off my lazy a** to recap Dance Moms like the good ol’ days.

Double Whammy.

Deuces

And it’s all because Chloe Lukasiak is back in the hizzle, yo.Dance-1Dq6V_f-maxage-0_zpsnafcxcymI know, right?

But first…

Dance-Moms-6x15-Recap-Melissa-should-be-sorryI know I’ve been slacking on this blog lately.  Bigly.

trump-dismissive-gif

Fact:  I missed you guys.  F’realz.

Alternative Fact:  Unfortunately, this hot mess of a site has catapulted me into such a stratospheric new level of #SuperStardom that I no longer have time for the little people anymore.

I’m kind of a big deal now.

putting-on-sunglasses-white-purple-wowtumblr_niujn0MVjB1tb8iyko1_500Or not, maybe.

Closer to the actual truth might be the fact that Lifetime TV (…and that lady in the orange…) still refuse to pay my rent each month, which means I’m required to continue working a real job in the real world for a real small paycheck.

An annoyance which has seriously cut into quality couch time in front of my widescreen.

Don’t get me wrong, tho.

I’m sure Lifetime would be more than willing to compensate me for all this hilarity if a certain Executive Producer wasn’t pissing away all the profits on gym memberships and designer LensCrafters frames.

But you didn’t hear that from me.bstgiphy-1Kidding.  He’s my boy.  It’s all good.

And if he thinks they makes him look like Clark Kent on Casual Friday…whatever.

Side note:  Did we ever get an answer as to why Melissa and Jill wore the same hair that day?

Jill_and_Melissa_-_Season_5_Reunion

What was that all about?

Side note 2:  Remember when they used to film the Reunion Shows in Kelly‘s basement?  That was back when Jill did her own hair.  BRAND_LFT_DMOM_110987_CRS_2997_060_20130920_V1_HD_768x432-16x9But they fancy now.  Real Housewives of Pittsburgh 4Life.

And as far as the MIA Dance Moms recaps, it’s not like we lost touch during my absence.

To the contrary, actually.

I heard from many of you on social media.

dance-moms-season-7-premiere-recap-remember-thistumblr_novr40oSA11uvr2ddo1_500dance-moms-7x08-recap-dance-mom-holly-frazier-gets-annoyedgotohell

You know.  The usual.giphy copy 4But now we’re all back together again.  In Pittsburgh.  Where it all began.

The birthplace of the ALDC.

And home to the ALDC.  But not the same ALDC.  Pay attention…because it’s confusing.

Turns out the Pittsburgh Abby Lee Dance Company is now the Appolonia Leake Dance Company.

Or at least on paper and in Yelp reviews.  Everything else still has the old name all over it.

One.  The fact that they found someone with the exact same initials to sign the lease is amazing.  If it’s a lease, I mean.  One Instagram account says Ms. Leake owns the ALDC now.

Two.  It’s not this Apollonia.

purple-rain-4The one riding on the back of Prince‘s motorcycle in Purple Rain spells her name with one ‘P’ and two ‘Ls’ and should be wearing a helmet.

The one that is slowly painting over all evidence that Abby Lee Miller ever stepped foot in the building is spelled with two ‘Ps’ and one ‘L.’  Because, of course it is.

Look at Abby ’bout ready to rip that damn sign right off the wall.

aldcSide note:  If they still have that Reign Dance Production marquee up on the highway, I’m not playing anymore.  Don’t even ask me where the Maryen Lorraine Dance Studio fits into all this mess.
7R0F35ORegardless.  E’rryone is back in PA for Nationals.  Because, you know.  The Road to Nationals.

As Holly and Nia Sioux took in the view from the parking lot, marveling at the gutted out flat top pavement and subzero temperatures, Abby was inside getting ready to not run the Pyramid of Shame.

potholeYou can’t see it in that photo, but Holly was wearing an 84K diamond cocktail necklace at 2 in the afternoon.  Because she can now.  And she did.

Remember when Nia was so little she used to disappear in those parking lot cracks  like they were sink holes?  Our little Sasha is all growed up like wicked big now.

Tumblr_lxm6cgZKhM1qmsq6vOnce everyone made it inside, all the girls fell into Beyoncé Formation one last time.

At least in Pittsburgh.  The whole show was in kind of a TMZ flux during filming.

Look at this and tell me you don’t feel old.

rehost-2016-9-13-93cc7c74-ed62-4578-b0bd-c4e7ca7f4e92lineupWhat the what with these little kids—?

And don’t tell me that it wasn’t a complete mindf*** to see all those new Moms mixed in with the Few & the Proud remaining Original Recipe Moms, all standing at the same Pure Barre railing that Mackenzie used to bump her head on every week.

Especially this Mom.

bowWho’s the perfect toxic mash-up of that lady who always screams at her kids…

54eaa11ab4bf2_-_h-wd1109-kate-gosselin-2…and that other lady who was always in the top/middle spot on Hollywood Squares.

RoseMarieI mean, c’mon.

bow1This is when I really wish Joan Rivers was still alive.

Oh.  And it was Pashmina Poncho Day at the ALDC.  But only for the OGs.

ponchoI’m not even sure who this kid is.  I don’t think she’s danced in the last 3 weeks, has she?dShe seems nice, tho.

And look at these two niblets.mini

As previously noted, there was so much to do this week (…Nationals!…) that Abby decided it was best to skip the Pyramid and get right down to bidnezz, which kind of disappointed me since I was really looking forward to one last creaky, dusty PA Pyramid.

687474703a2f2f696d61676573322e77696b69612e6e6f636f6f6b69652e6e65742f5f5f636232303133303430313134323734362f64616e63656d6f6d732f696d616765732f662f66652f5330312d4530315f30342d34322e6a7067#NeverForget.

Jill Vertes Fashion Watch:  When the temperature drops, the fur comes out and the Bump-It goes up.

jillj2Fact:  It’s more accurate than the Weather Channel.  And if I’m lying, I’m dying.

This week (…at Nationals!…) Lilly, Elliana, Kalani and Brynn all scored solos, which meant that the two most senior members of the ALDC Team got nada.

reallyNia’s #SrslyFace is straight up #Goals.

Kendall didn’t seem as concerned, tho, probably because this was the week her new music video was going to be premiered to a throng of screaming young girls who shouldn’t be allowed anywhere near a nightclub that has open liquor bottles displayed on the wall.

Spoiler Alert:

tumblr_olr1upJLds1tb8iyko1_500Q.  Where would I be without you?

But Nia and Kendall would at least be part of the Big Girl group routine (…cryptically entitled “Is There Still Hope?”…) where they would all portray characters from the seedier side of the PA streets.

Kalani was going to be the junkie.  KK schizophrenic.  Brynn was developing an eating disorder.  Newbie Camryn would rep the prostitutes.

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And Nia was going to be in a gang, because…LaQuifa What?

imagestumblr_nnwi1dEwiN1tb8iyko1_500reallySwear to Gawd.  Seven years later and Abby’s still trying to make her wear that lace front.

Full disclosure:  Initially, the group routine was going to be a number about conquering cancer, but Abby had forgotten that the girls had already sung that song with a pink ribbon way back in the old’n days.

Once the Moms reminded her that she was about to recycle a routine, Abby went and sat on her crash pad until Nia’s gang dance came to her in a vision.

a1abby dancing 2

#CrashPadMemories.  Good times.

And then the internet started to break:

Our first glimpse of Chloe and Christi and no-longer-a-baby Baby Clara.

First in a flashback, which explained the Lukasiaks’ Season 4 departure, but did nothing to address what exactly was happening in the back of Abby’s hair while Christi was ripping her a new one…

fb1…and then in a flashforward (…I think that should have been two words…) which made me a little emotional for my Toddlers & Tiaras crew.

Dance Moms:
tToddlers & Tiaras:

A-past-contestant-seen-on-Toddlers--Tiaras._gallery_primary

Dance Moms:c2

Toddlers & Tiaras:Toddlers_And_Tiaras_Recap

Dance Moms:claraLook at how big Clara got.  That’s crazy pants.

Long story short.  This…

tumblr_mebsdpvAYP1rytq3ko1_500…turned into this when nobody was looking.

c3Casa Lukasiak got a kitchen makeover with a pretty pricey refrigerator.

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And this is a good color on Christi.ch4A Million Bonus Points:  That strategically placed Teen Choice Award surfboard was EVERYthing.

Remember when Chloe scored that giant foam slab in 2015 and so many girls screamed that all the neighborhood dogs started running in circles?  The Library was open on that Read when she read Abby at the podium, right?

Chloe-Lukasiak-teen-choice-winner-00

And her stunt double got one, too, which I thought was nice.  You don’t think our girl did 4 years of Christi vs. Abby fight scenes without some help, do you?  b083fe9562de173bc8d22e

A Million More Bonus Points:  After deciding to crash the Nationals party, Chloe said that if things got out of control, maybe the Federal Government could help them with Abby.

#OhNoSheDin’t.

tumblr_lq035oF2qT1qbnfoaMeanwhile, back at the ALDC, all the wrong Moms were up in the Original MomPerch all sitting in the wrong MomSpots.  Shout out to Holly for snagging her end seat, tho.  All those years running into a crowded school cafeteria finally paid off.  Dat’s my seat, yo.

dance-moms-holly-melissa

The new Moms gnawed on each others’ necks for awhile after finding out that Lilly’s Dad was doing the vocals on her solo music.  Which I guess would be an issue if her Dad was Nat King Cole or something.

But he’s not.  So relax.

mI literally can’t stop looking at that hair.

m1Look at Yolanda.  You know she wants to.

Public Service Announcement:  Brace yourselves, ladies.  Put your trays in the upright position and fix your lip gloss, cuz we’re all about to experience a #ZackAttack.

zToddlers_And_Tiaras_RecapI know, right?  So dreamy.

Little Zack Torres is now Big Zack Torres and he just made his triumphant return to the Candy Apples!

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Look at Ava back there.   She knows wassup.

z1I probably could’ve done without Cougar Cathy Nesbitt-Stein pointing out what a #ZackSnack he was in front of all the kids…but she’s old, not dead.  So I guess…you know.

cnsGot enough crap on those shelves?

And this Mom was back again.

haleySide note:  I realize that every time Melanie‘s on the show I point out how she once knocked over my soda at a Boston Food Court and just kept walking like she had somewhere to go, but I feel it needs constant repeating because it cost me almost $1.50 in gym bag change.

This Mom returned, too.

zzzzSssssh.  Don’t wake her.  She’s resting up for a Throw Down later.

The CADC group routine was going to be about Abduction and Human Trafficking, which was a heavy and emotionally disturbing subject to everyone.  Especially 20 years ago when the ALDC did it with a playground swing.  But, again…I’m not judging.  Out loud.

I’m not even sure who this Mom is, but she experienced abduction in her own family and that is both heartbreaking and not cool, so she was allowed to get emotional.

taraKeep your kids close.  Nobody should have to go through that.  Ever.

Alternative Fact:  I think I forgot to mention that Cathy was positively gleeful at the possibility of Abby ending up in Sing Sing when all the financial drama reached Sentencing.

You might to Google that before you go on CNN, honey.cns1Bonus MomPerch footage:  Please tell me you saw that interaction between Kira and Ashlee when Kira was all like ‘Don’t even tell me you’re gonna put that whole thing in you mouth all at once…”

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And Ashlee was all like “Watch me…”ka1

And Kira was all like “OhMyGod you totally did it.  How ’bout you chew your food?…”kiraAnd then Holly was all like #HollyFace.khaDisclaimer:  Kidding.

You know I love Ashlee even though she stopped following me on Twitter.  And let’s be real.  Whatever she was inhaling looked mighty tasty, so scoot over and break me off a piece of that Kit Kat Bar.

And then we were off to Kendall K’s music video premiere!!!!

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Starring Jill!
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And more Jill!
v1And even more Jill!

tumblr_inline_mj71f0nIBR1qg907pGo home, Jill.  You’re drunk.

tumblr_olr1x3c44W1tb8iyko1_500Disclaimer(s):  You know Jill Vertes will always be my MomCrush.  Your arguments are invalid.

And I guess Kendall K’s actual…actual…online music video looks completely different and actually stars Kendall K.  So I’m not really sure what they premiered.  Or why Abby was selling merch in the lobby like it was a Grateful Dead tour.  Maybe she’s just a little short on cash.

(Too soon?)

Side note:  Not gonna lie.  I thought Abby was shaving Kate Gosselin’s back in this clip until I realized she was just autographing some of the DeadHead t-shirts.  You can’t even make this stuff up anymore.

akateThe next day, after a tearful last look at the ALDC studio in the rearview mirror, it was Showtime!

In an airplane hangar.  On the Planet Hoth.

Look at how far away the makeup tables were from the front door.

airAnd look at how how cold it was in there.

giphy-1actumblr_myulqp8MPg1r93xiko6_r1_500ahI’m pretty sure this show stopped making sense somewhere around the middle of Season One.

Everybody was freezing, which I guess would explain why the emcee’s cheeks were so pink during the Red Carpet photo op.  Careful with that mic, dude.

sb  You know what happened the last time somebody shoved something in her face.

ReJtLxHAnd then Cathy & Co. stampeded through the ALDC makeup hangar like they always do, pushing over both the vinyl banner and Holly’s last button.

hfThat’s enough Candy Apple nonsense for me, thank you very much.

Side note:  Isn’t this copyright infringement?

cokeCoca-cola advertLooks like Abby might have a roommate in Sing Sing after all.

And then Abby kinda sorta mentally shut down and didn’t even bother to give the girls their normal pre-game pep talk, which got an already frustrated Holly even more frustrated.

harmFact:  She’s literally been waving that right arm in the air for 7 years.

And then finally, it was really Showtime!

Programming Note:  Since we’re running a little long given the 2 hour broadcast, I’ll try to trim the fat to speed up the process.

Zack’s makeup was on point.

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Zack’s Mom.  When your son has better contouring than you, why even bother.torres

I love Gina.

Human Prop Vivi-Anne was back to reclaim her title as Miss Human Abduction Prop 2017.

vivZack scooped her up faster than Chunky Monkey on Ben & Jerry’s Free Cone Day.  I love Vivi-Anne almost as much as she loves ice cream.  Which is a lot.  And more than dancing.

giphy-2Why this kid doesn’t have a sitcom yet, I swear…

Lilly’s Dad looks like the guy from The Commish after he shaved his head.  And her brother’s gonna be a heart breaker once he stops sleeping with a retainer.

familylillyThis random guy’s eyebrows, tho.  I just can’t.  And neither can Kira.

eyeWait for it…

cc1

There’s Holly’s right arm again.armWait for it…

cc2There was even some dancing, but you’re gonna have to Google the results.  You know the rules.

minis khh aldc l2Wait for it…

cccryKate Gosselin almost punched out that other Mom after the competition.

push fightAnd then…

Wait for it…

wait-whatOk. Now.

maxresdefault tumblr_olr2p7RuYE1tb8iyko1_500 tumblr_olr2p7RuYE1tb8iyko3_400 tumblr_olr2p7RuYE1tb8iyko2_400Everyone.  Lost.  Their.  Minds.

Holly was a #HotMess.

hjc

Jill wasn’t sure how she felt about Christi’s off-the-shoulder peasant dress.jc

Chloe was thinking about getting back into competition mode.compete

Christi already needed a drink. clThere were hugs and kisses and screams and more hugs and more kisses and more screaming.

And then just like that…it was over.

Or was it?  Is it?

Chloe was back.

Or was she?

Can you really go home again?

To be continued…

Lolppo

Dance Moms: When It Comes Down To Maddie vs. Mackenzie, There’s Enough Mama Drama To Knock Your Hair Off.

Friday, June 19th, 2015

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I know, right? It popped off like she was one of those glitter babies from Toddlers & Tiaras.

 

 

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This would be a lot easier if I was still sitting in the kitchen sink giving myself a pageant spray tan.

 

 

jj

 

 

It literally feels like the weight of the world is on my shoulders. Or it could be the bow.

 

 

BringIt

 

 

 

Turnt Up. Turnt Up. My Weave is with my Girls…Layin’ on the Dance Floor.

 

tt3

 

 

 

 

She snatched that mofo thang right off her own head. I’m the one who should be crying, honey.

hf

 

 

 

 

All the money I’m paying this woman and she’s still going online for synthetic? Gurrrrrrrrl, pleez.

 

m4

 

 

 

Honestly, I don’t understand any of these weave jokes. I just know that big hair makes your butt look smaller.

 

 

 

Lawd have mercy.

Dance Moms, I swear.  This episode was snatched.  Literally.

And you know how much I love a good weave joke, so let’s not waste any valuable time and just get this party started right now.

Week Two of what I assume is finally kinda sorta full-time LA status for Abby Lee Miller & Co. began just like it did in the last episode, with all the Moms and kids loitering on the sidewalk in front of the 3rd Street Dance Studio getting ready for the Pyramid of Shame.

That appears to be a thing now.  Meeting up at the street level entrance with a bunch of half empty Dunkin Donuts Iced Coffees, I mean.  Or at least until the new studio is open for bidnezz, anyway.  Which, BTW, seems to be taking freaking forever to complete.

For.  Ev.  Ah.

Seriously.  The Mystery Studio.  Haven’t we been talking about this move to Los Angeles ever since Brooke skipped out on rehearsals and went to cheerleading try-outs?

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(Full Disclosure:  That may or may not be a photo of the actual tryouts.  But the girls are wearing my old high school colors, so it’s kinda sorta the same thing.  Plus, I miss the Hylands and nobody is making you read this.  So sue me.)

Anyway.  I don’t know if there’s an issue with the studio gas meters or asbestos removal or if they’re just holding out for a new season of ALDC:Cribs for the Big Reveal.  But c’mon, people.  You gotta be paying the floor guys triple overtime by now.

Side note:  I have no idea where the Lifetime Limoliner drops them all off in the morning, but these Moms certainly had to walk far enough just to get to the studio door.  Anyone else notice that?  It was a pretty quick camera shot, but long enough for me to notice Melissa checking herself out in the reflection of an appliance store window while my MomCrush Jill tried to catch up to the other ladies by running like she was signed up for one of those Drag Queen high heel charity races.

Don’t leave me back here with Kira!  Wait for me!  Sissy that Walk!

Jill Vertes Fashion Watch:  Speaking of.  You try hustling down W. 3rd in skinny jeans and wedges while carrying a 32 oz. plastic cup, your kid’s dance bag, ten pounds of Louis Vuitton and two feet of Bump-It.  Try it.  Then maybe we’ll talk.

And the cup had a straw in it, too.  So it was almost like she was running with scissors.

Jill’s an icon.  Your arguments are invalid.

jv

As the girls headed up the 17 flights of stairs to their rented space, the Moms all chilled a few more minutes curbside to catch their breath and wonder out loud if the LA air was once again going to make Abby go insane.

I don’t know the actual medical term for terminal jet lag (…unless the term is actually just “terminal jet lag” and I’m making things harder than they need to be by using the word “term” five times in one sentence…) but something about being three hours off her normal eating/sleeping/screaming cycle had really done a number on Abby the last two times the ALDC visited California.

Spoiler Alert:  Third time ain’t gonna be any different.

As everyone filed in for the Pyramid, Abby was actually in the building this time.  Present and accounted for, Sergeant Vertes.  At least physically, anyway.

Mentally?  Not so much.

Side note:  As long as we’re on the subject, you can still purchase Sergeant Vertes’ new Wear Em Out music video right here if you haven’t already, even though I’m pretty sure the only person on the planet who hasn’t coughed up some coins and downloaded it by now is Taylor Swift.  Feel free to Google that one if you didn’t get the joke.

Because it’s yummy.

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(Bonus Points to the soldier in the background who was all like Dat’sItI’mOuttaHere as soon as Cougar Abby started tickling those underage tummies.  Don’t Scratch.  Don’t Tell.)

Since Abby would clearly rather be revealing sweaty military six packs than shiny tweeny bop 8×10 glossies, she’s been flying right through the actual Pyramids the last few weeks, so we might as well do the same and only hit the high points.

The Artist Formerly Known As Just Nia was on the bottom because last week’s solo had only been awarded a 5th place trophy.  By itself, that wasn’t very newsworthy, but the new and improved Nia Sioux’s politely worded, maturely delivered “If I had more opportunities, maybe I would have been better at it” BooYeah got everyone’s attention as well as a couple of near church faints from a few of the Moms.

Not gonna lie.  Part of me wanted my girl to just start unclipping some of that new hair and go all Jerry Springer on Abby’s a**.  But Dr. Mama didn’t raise her to be like dat, so no chairs were harmed and/or thrown during the discussion.  I don’t know what kind of Wiley Coyote ACME machine Aubrey O’Day put little Nia through during those recording sessions, but when she came out the other end on the conveyor belt she was a well spoken young lady, I must say.

With just enough of a subtle sassy undertone to make me a little verklempt, of course.

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#StarInYourOwnLife.  And then tell your mother she doesn’t have to wear her cross body bag like that when she’s inside the building.  That’s how people wear them the first time they ever take the New York City subway without their husbands.

It’s ok.  Nobody’s gonna snatch yo’ chapstick inside 3rd Street just because you made eye contact with a stranger, ma’am.  You can let go of your purse now.

Srsly.  How much do we love Holly?  Werk that maxi-dress, gurl.

The rest of the Pyramid was the usual.  I don’t think the whole thing means very much anymore since we blow through it so quickly each week.  Even when Maddie tumbled from the top to the bottom it was still all just meh.

Abby’s Weekly Sia Chandelier/Elastic Heart/Big Girls Cry Reference:  Yeah.  There’s a third one now.  Hold that thought.

This week the gang was headed to the Center Stage Dance Competition in Anaheim, CA.  JoJoWithTheBowBow, MackZMusic and SiaBeYaMaddie all scored solos and Melissa scored some really big beachy hair in her confessional talking head segments.

Do The Math Time:  This meant that Melissa must have either gotten new hot rollers or one of those curling irons that rotates in both directions for the perfect summer curl AND that Maddie and Mackenzie would be competing AGAINST each other for the first time in the history of I don’t know what.

mm

Ziegler vs. Ziegler?  Madness, I tell you.  Mark my words…Chaos in the streets.

Spoiler Alert:  I’m pretty sure Melissa was way more excited about her new hair than she was the prospect of pitting her two kids against each other in a cage match.  For a number of reasons.  Some clear.  Some not so clear.  And some clearly made up online as the evening progressed.

Elephant In The Room:  Was it editing?  Was it bad attitude?  Bad parenting?  Was it the three hour time difference?  All of the above or none of the above?  From this point on, the internet never quite recovered from anything and everything that went down between Melissa and her children for the remainder of the episode.  But take it up in the comment section or the chatrooms if you’re about to explode.  You know the rules around here.

I mean it.  I have enough trouble keeping track of my two iTunes passwords and the extra long one for my modem, much less creating 20 more for every chatroom that burst into flames during this episode.  I’m an equal opportunity Snarkster, thank you.

Melissa Ziegler-Gisoni Hair Watch:  We just covered that topic.  Don’t even tell me you weren’t paying attention.  Or worse…skimming.

Programming Note:  If you haven’t time-stamped your DVR yet, do it now.  Because right here is also when it started getting crazy and never stopped.

tb

The group routine was being choreographed by Travis Payne.  You heard me.  The same Travis Payne who worked on Michael Jackson‘s This Is It! Tour before MJ passed.  A little gig he picked up between dancing on Janet‘s Rhythm Nation Tour and winning three MTV Video Awards.  Totes jealz.

Of him.  His dancing.  And his exceptionally airbrushed internet headshots.  It’s like the guy has no pores online.

And of course he brought along Beyoncé‘s backup dancer Aisha Francis because she’s Beyoncé’s backup dancer so why not.  She toured with Queen Bey and even co-created the “Crazy In Love” Booty Dance.

That makes two of us, bitch.

Moral of the Story:  Everyone went crazy.

Especially Abby, who snatched her own weave just for something to do.  I swear.  Like BLOOP and it was completely off her head.

And then she played with it.  Like a furry chew toy or something.

It was one of those little wiglet ones that babies wear in kiddie pageants that look like a cross between guinea pigs and Star Trek Tribbles.  So she took it out all crazy like…

w3  And then it kinda turned into more of this…

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Until she just went completely Nutella and ended up playing with it all like…

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No words.

Luckily, by the time the girls had to work on their solos the next day, Abby had figured out the tag goes in the back and was once again sporting a giant poof.  All was right with the world for a few minutes.  But just a few.

Maddie’s solo was a Go-Go Dance tap routine that she already knew somehow.  Not to diss Maddie (…since the internet took care of that for me this week, thank you…) but I never realized that there was more than one tap dance even available out there for people to perform.  I swear every time I’ve ever seen anyone tap dance I thought they were doing the same dance.  Is it just me?

I mean, I know you can heel-toe-it a few times and make those big arm circles, but other than that.  Am I wrong?

Mackenzie’s solo was another acrobatic sumthin sumthin with more mature choreography and fewer mouse and bee costume changes.  I think she’s finally growing up, despite those two big Ellie Mae Clampett ponytails that Melissa insists on incorporating into every routine.

And the third routine would give JoJo the opportunity to be a Rebel Without A Cause…if she could ever stop crying.

That’s right.  Abby made JoJo cry when she busted her for using “Master Class” terminology in some Facebook post promoting an upcoming Meet & Greet.  Making the assumption that JoJo’s Dad didn’t earn enough money to cover the mortgage probably didn’t help the situation either.  But Travis came to the rescue out in the hallway (…which totally looked like the same hallway that goes to the Olive Garden bathrooms…) and gave JoJo one of those motivational pep talks that Mike Brady always gave Jan.

You can do it, champ.  Now put your glasses back on.

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That bow big enough?

As all that hilarity was ensuing, the Moms were getting updated on Maddie’s third Sia music video that had just debuted on the internet at 4am.

Jessalynn Hilarity Scale:  This Hollywood trip is comedy gold.  If she doesn’t bring her One Woman Show to the Wang Theater in Boston this fall, I’m going to be very unhappy.

Sia texted Melissa just as the Moms were starting to cluck like hens.  I’m going to say that there were approximately 419 HollyFaces this week because there’s no way I could count that fast during these MamaMoments.  At least 86 of them were during this video conversation.  That much I know for certain.

Shia LaBeouf even texted Maddie at some point for some reason, but hopefully not at 4am because that would make even Chris Hansen squirm in front of the Dateline cameras.  I’ll stop here before I get inappropriate.

And then Kira said that everyone else said that the video was boring, which opened up a whole new can o’ worms.  Melissa said she didn’t care what little kids had to say.  And then Holly made some HollyFaces and Jessalynn did another couple minutes of stand-up.

1….What is Kira doing up at 4am in a strange new city anyway?  2…Why does Shia LaBeouf need Maddie’s cell phone number?  3…Why is Maddie’s phone nicer than mine?  4…And why did Melissa just diss a billion 10 year old girls who have the words and choreography to every Sia video memorized when she knows there’s strength in numbers and they could rip the whole front of her new million dollar mansion right off with their bare hands if they all got together after a One Direction concert?

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She knows they’re all still emotionally fragile since Zayn left.

Finally, it was Showtime!

Well, after Travis gave Abby some of THE best Side Eye ever seen in the choreographical world, that is.  I don’t think Abby will be interrupting our boy again any time soon.

Then it was Showtime!  And time for Abby to snatch her weave again.

But at least this time it was for a good cause.  Turns out that Maddie’s Rowan & Martin’s Laugh-In bouffant bump wasn’t big enough, so Abby’s Tribble jumped from one head to another just like it did in the Starship Enterprise’s kitchen.  A couple of MacGyver bobby pins and a prayer later…Nancy Sinatra was born.

These boots are made for tappin’.

The Short Version:  JoJo’s Biker Chick rebel even had an arm tattoo and received an Abby Lee Miller High Clap.  Mackenzie’s Surfer Acrobat received the Abby Lee Miller ‘Close To Perfection’ blessing and I almost spit my soda out.  And Maddie’s tap routine almost knocked that same damn weave out a third time.

You that thing bouncing?  She had Muppet Head.  There.  I said it.

I don’t know which Muppet.  I forget.  But it’s the one who popped up and down out of a hole while he was singing with Kermit and his hair kept flapping around the whole time.

As opposed to waacking around.  Which was one of the style of vogueing dances incorporated into the group routine.

Waacking.  The More You Know.

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And how ’bout dat group dance?  Awesome.

Travis nailed it.  The girls looked amazeballs in his new (…coming soon!…) line of dance wear.  Half Ariana, Half Janet and completely not lyrical…the ALDC killed it.  They even whipped the hair and hit the Nae Nae…mmmkay?

And then the Awards were handed out.  Which you knew were a big deal because some girl brought out one of those big sticks from iParty that you pull back like a hunting rifle and then confetti pops out.  Money’s no object for Center Stage.

JoJo got 3rd.  Maddie got 2nd.  Mackenzie got First.

Wait.  What?

You heard me.  Mackenzie beat Maddie.

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And everyone freaked.  But not all in the good way.

This is also when all that editing or not editing drama came into play.  It was a hot mess.

Did Melissa really diss Mackenzie and say that Maddie should have won?  Did Maddie diss Mackenzie by not being happy for her own sister and copping an attitude?  Was Maddie really mad that she ‘only’ got Second Place, which is usually the First Loser?

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Why was everyone rolling their eyes and making so many faces?  They know they’ll never beat a HollyFace.  Why was everyone crying and sulking when we know the Moms love and support all the kids?  And why did Abby say that Mackenzie was already working on her second record when they’re not even called ‘records’ anymore?

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Fercryinoutloud.  It’s 2015, woman.

This is also when I’m glad this recap has gone on way too long and I can end it without having to deal with any of these issues.  I’m still not big on having any adult conversations.

I get nervous whenever they pop up.

Which reminds me.

You should totally watch the Dance Moms SuperFan Takeover shows that are running after the normal Dance Moms episodes.

I find them to be slightly hilarious.  Just saying.

#ShamelesslyPimpYourselfOut.

The End.

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Dance Moms: Live From Ohio…It’s Saturday Night! With Maddie Gone, It’s Mackenzie’s Time To Shine. Or Is It?

Wednesday, April 1st, 2015

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You can wear my feather vest for your little dance, sweetie, but I’ll need it back when you’re done.

 

 

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I know, right? It’s 40 below and we’re out here wearing glitter tube tops. I swear this show is crazy!

 

 

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Sitting here all afternoon made me hungry. I could sure go for some cake right about now.

 

 

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I’m waaay smarter. But apparently nobody wants a Spelling Bee Champ to host stupid SNL.

 

 

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I don’t care if it is Black & White Day. Mama paid good money for these brown boots, ‘kay?

 

 

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So I told the lady at the Kelly Hyland Bakery Shop to just slap her damn face on a cake. Literally.

 

 

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I don’t know about you, gurl, but Imma ’bout ready to cut a CD and blow this popsicle stand.

 

 

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I certainly wouldn’t have had such a big lunch if I’d known they were gonna be serving tasty cake.

 

 

 

So much to do.

You know how it is right before you go on a big trip.

Between setting itineraries, packing up all your bling and coordinating transportation to the airport, there’s barely enough time to catch your breath, much less recreate the Closing Ceremonies of the 2012 London Olympics or pick on an innocent child’s floppy ears.

But somehow, Dance Moms managed to get it all done this week.

And still have time for cake.

With only seven days to go before ALDCLA: The Sequel, everyone was running in circles trying to get it together before the action shifted back to the West Coast.  After a less than stellar showing the last time they hit the Hollywood Hills, Abby Lee Miller was determined that the team leave Pittsburgh with one more win under their belt.

Which meant that this week’s World-Class Talent Experience was more important than ever to Abby.  Not only because it was being held on enemy turf (…Ohio, home of Canton’s Jerky King and the Evil Dance Lair know as Candy Apples…) but also because she just hates losing.  Period.

With so much to do there wasn’t even time to scotch tape any head shots up on the mirror for the Pyramid of Shame, so in an oddly unscientific Facial Recognition Experiment, Abby just held up each photo like a flash card until someone finally recognized their own outfit and snatched it out of her hand.  She said it was supposed to be like Chorus Line, but it reminded me more of when Cornelius and Zira first splash landed on Earth from the Planet of the Apes and got put into that psych lab to see how smart they were.

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Spoiler Alert:  Education played a big role in this week’s episode.

Abby’s Weekly Sia Chandelier/Elastic Heart Reference:  I think this one might have happened before the opening credits even finished, because as soon as the show started we already knew that Maddie was in New York rehearsing for an upcoming Saturday Night Live performance with her new bestie Sia.

Side note:  Did we ever figure out who babysits Maddie while she’s off on all these solo road trips?  I forget.  I know she’s not old enough to have her own credit card for Ramada check-ins yet.  And I’m pretty sure she doesn’t actually stay at Sia’s house, though imagining them both going to sleep standing in a corner facing the wall does make me laugh.  I’m just curious, that’s all.

Jill Vertes Fashion Watch:  She’s my MomCrush, so she could put a Target bag on her head and I’d still think she was da bomb.  But she did have it going on this week.

Holly Frazier Fashion Watch:  Wait.  What?  Check your rear view mirror, Jill, because Dr. Beyoncé was giving us Rachel Zoe SohoBohoBigHat Realness this week.

Oh.  My.  Gawd.  It was Ba.  Na. Nas.  Bananas.

Kendall Vertes Fashion Watch:  An unexpected winner.  When your double Boo Boo Kitty animal print band-aids not only match your outfit, but also every outfit on every member of your dance troupe, than your fashion game is on point.

JoJo and MackZ scored solos for the upcoming competition, as well as getting to dance in the Spice Girls group number.  Tell you what I want.  What I really, really want.

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Yup…’ello Govnah.  Those Spice Girls.  And it worked perfectly.  Like the real Spice Girls were somehow magically shrinky-dinked down into pee wee size and then spit back out onto the dance floor.

Kendall:  Posh Spice.  Kalani:  Sporty Spice.  Nia:  Scary Spice.  JoJo:  Baby Spice.

Mackenzie:  NotMaddie Spice.

Kidding.  She was Ginger Spice.  But it did open up a whole new MomPerch discussion on who Mackenzie really was…or would be…if she got the opportunity to step outside of Maddie’s ever widening shadow of stardom.  MackZ?  Mackenzie Boo?  Just Plain ol’ Mackenzie?  Kenzie?  The Other One?

Even her solo was going to be an introspective owl-themed ‘Hoo Are Yoo?’ routine that would hopefully address the issue.  Clearly, ever since Maddie put on that white wig and hid behind the living room drapes, tiny Mackenzie has been suffering a bit of an identity crisis.  We love her, tho.  What we need is a Girl Party to prove it!

As the girls got to rehearsing, we scooted over to Ohio to meet yet another choreographer for the Candy Apples.  I think this one was Cathy’s sister-in-law.  Or pharmacist.  Or Uber driver.  I forget.  She goes through them faster than I go through Twitter followers.

(And srsly?  You’re gonna unfollow me because I made a One Direction joke?  I’m pretty sure you’ll never date Zayn Malik whether he stayed in the band or not.  And aren’t you the same person who was gonna marry Justin Bieber two years ago?  Whatev.)

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Back in PA, the Moms were concerned that the Spice Girls routine was perfect for prepping the girls for another LA adventure, but not necessarily something that could win against a Candy Apples team that was hand-picked by Abby and then tossed to the curb during last season’s Open Call Auditions.  The general consensus was that Abby was setting the team up to lose when Maddie was MIA.  Because the contract clearly states that the team is not allowed to lose when Maddie is participating in the dances.

It’s in there.  I swear.  Right before the paragraph about slapping the studio owner.

(You might wanna hold that thought for a couple more minutes.  Trust me.)

Side note:  When Holly said “Who knows what it can reach” they close captioned her like she was Honey Boo Boo Child or something.  What was that all about?  She’s the only one I ever understand on this show.

During the conversation, it should also be noted that Melissa slipped in and out of consciousness a number of times, robotically repeating “She’s Abby Lee Miller We Must Assimilate” over and over like she was some kind of PittsBorg.

(That’s a freakin hysterical Star Trek reference that I don’t have time to explain, BTW.)

With two days to go before the competition, things were heating up.  Except in Ohio, where it snowed the entire time.  Anyone notice that?  Total white-out snow emergency in Canton while the fall leaves were still piling up in the ALDC potholes back in Pittsburgh.

Global Warming, kids.  The More You Know.  Education.h

And don’t even get me started on when Cathy slammed my girl Nia’s dance skills.  “All my Candy Apple dancers are amazing.  I don’t have any Nias”.  AwHellNah.

Guuurl, you do NOT want me to take off my Rachel Zoe hat right now.

Side note:  I’m still patiently waiting for the Dance Moms spin-off based on whatever Ohio beauty parlor it is that still does those haircuts and dye jobs.  Because that show would be off the damn chain.  I would watch that show so hard.

And then Abby basically blamed home schooling for MackZ’s inability to remember four minutes of choreography and now I’m just waiting for my entire website to slow down.

Because that totally happened last time when everyone on both sides of the argument started fighting over the pros and cons of homeschooling in the comment section.

Thanks a lot, Abby.  I might as well just call my tech guy now and get in the queue.

Side note:  In the heat of the battle, Melissa blurted out that Mackenzie was a lot smarter than Maddie educationally.  Really.  They should have subtitled that one instead, because I was totally all like WhatDidSheJustSay?  I’m pretty sure she didn’t mean it to sound the way it came out.  And you know how Lifetime loves their new editing software.

You could tell Holly wanted to smack her on the nose with a rolled up PhD thesis.

Finally…thankfully…it was Showtime!

And time for those screaming sidewalk kids I love so much.  That little one trying to get a high-five out of Abby almost burst whatever that vein in the side of your forehead is called.

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Side note:  How how about Tessa‘s Mom and that red cocktail dress?

Dang, Reneé.  Somebody does Pilates.  I was going to say something about her hair and maybe point out that she was wearing the same Jack the Ripper throat slash choker again (…does she sleep in that thing?…) but then I got a load of those guns and now I’m all set.

Moving on.  Fast.

MackZ’s ForTheLastTimeI’mNotMaddie dance went really well.  She still did that handstand in a circle thing a billion times, which I thought we had already agreed made her routines seem too juvenile and would be removed going forward, but maybe I made that up in my head.  I’m more jealous that I can’t do it than I am concerned about her actually Bringing Bumble Bee Back…but, still.

Jessalynn, who somewhere along the line stopped being a complete whack job and started making more sense than anyone in my circle of friends, pointed out that those kind of tricks aren’t really cute once you grow up.  Since I still get very uncomfortable every Thanksgiving when my Aunt busts out her handstand in a circle thing right before we say Grace, I have to side with Jess on this one.

JoJo’s ‘Fancy’ solo was custom built for her, even though I’m not a big fan of MC Hammer pants.  She was definitely Too Legit To Quit.

Side note:  Did anyone else notice that Cathy brought Abby’s book into the dressing room when they first showed up?  And that the book was propped up on Abby’s table for the remainder of the episode like Teresa Giudice‘s cookbook?

If you don’t watch Real Housewives of New Jersey…One:  Shame on you, Danielle, you prostitution whore.  And Two:  Teresa has her books propped up all over the kitchen counter like she lives in a freakin’ Barnes & Noble or something.

Except for now.  Because she’s in jail.  Oops.

Pay your taxes, kids.  Education.

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Side note:  We should probably talk about the Ohio Department of Tourism video they flashed between scenes that showed a baby goat or whatever it was just trying to have some lunch while that other goat-looking thing photobombed the picture.  I swear, sometimes I just need to lay down when this show is over it’s so good.  Hilarious.

The ALDC group routine was Mini Spice Girls all the way.  Or as I like to call it, Nia and her Backup Dancers.  Any time it’s a jazzy, hip hop pop kinda thing it’s always hard to take your eyes off Sasha Nia.  Werk.

All the girls did great, but….seriously.  LaQuifa What?

To finish off the contest, the CADC hit the stage with some of Abby’s leftover dancers, some of Abby’s leftover choreography and a whole bunch of freshly baked Apple Attitude.

They did amazing.  I’ll give props where they’re due.  When I hit the klub I still prefer to bust out my fave pop moves vs. lyrical, but I’ll still give a nod to a group that gets it done.

Unfortunately, so will the judges, who awarded the Candy Apples dancers First Place in the group category, totally overshadowing JoJo and MackZ’s One/Two sweep.

Backstage, it went exactly as you would expect it go after an ALDC loss.

Back Story:  Little Chloe Smith (…seriously, is this franchise contractually obligated to always have at least one Chloe or Christy on the payroll?…) is one of the new CADC dancers who was at one of the random ALDC Open Call auditions last year.  She is an amazing dancer with some pretty amazing ears.  And that’s not a diss.  You’ve all seen my childhood bow tie picture by now, so that scores me one Get Out Of Jail card.

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And honestly, the whole ear thing isn’t really ever any issue unless the wind is blowing straight at you from behind.  But regardless, at the audition Abby had told her to get her ears pinned back which was totally not cool at all.  Unless you plan on performing with your head out a moving car window the entire time, I can’t even think of a reason why anyone would tell a child to do something like that.  But Abby did.

So remember that part for later.

Back to backstage.

Cathy and all the gloating CADC Moms showed up in Abby’s dressing room with one of those Elmo Birthday Cakes from the grocery store.  Except that it wasn’t anybody’s birthday.  And it wasn’t even Elmo on the cake.  It was Abby’s face from the night that Kelly Hyland slapped her silly and ended up on TMZ.

Side note:  If you’ve never viewed that scene, or need a refresher, I highly recommend you relive the moment if for no other reason than to watch Dr. Holly Frazier take charge of all the children in the building like the roof is about to collapse on top of the entire team.  As I’ve said many times before, if Holly had been on the Titanic everyone on board would have made it into the life boats and been home by sunrise.

Holly doesn’t do drama.  And she certainly isn’t gonna get her hair wet.

Cathy brought in the cake and offered to cut Abby a big slice or stick the fork directly in her eyeball.  Her choice.  Needless to say, Abby got herself up and headed towards the door, turning just long enough to whisper “Get those ears fixed” before exiting the room.

Again.  Not cool.  At all.  Even the ALDC Moms were horrified.

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But this time, Choe’s Mom Liza fought back.

Not gonna lie.  When she shoved the other CADC Moms out of the way and headed down the hallway after Abby, I was kind of hoping for a rumble.  Sadly, it ended up being more of a Power Walk down to the Sears store at the other end of mall.

Clearly, neither of them are gonna qualify for the Pittsburgh Marathon this year.

But they still got some screaming in.  Quite a bit, actually.  Cathy even joined in on the Not-Birthday Party and called Abby a horse.

Back in the dressing room, all the ALDC Moms came to Chloe’s defense and it was really nice to see.  Competition aside, they’re all still Moms.  And no Mom ever wants to see a child get their feelings hurt.  It’s a Mom Thing and proved that sometimes you have to stop being a Dance Mom and just be a Mom Mom.

It’s called doing what’s right, kids.  Education.

Everyone rallied around Chloe and told her how amazing she was.  They were worried about her.  I was worried about her.  And the cake, too.  I was worried about the cake.

I still don’t know what happened to it when Cathy put it down to chase after Liza and Abby.  And that concerns me greatly.  I just hope they had dessert.

Cake always makes me feel better when people make fun of my ears.

And then it was over.

Time to go home and pack up all your sassy hats.

Because we’re going back to Hollywood, mmmkay?

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