Posts Tagged ‘Nick Daniels’

Dance Moms: Holy Moly, Chloe! It Was Starbound To Happen Sooner Or Later. But Can You Really Go Home Again?

Thursday, February 23rd, 2017

nia

 

 

I just can’t believe it’s been 7 years and they still haven’t filled one pothole in this parking lot.

 

 

ch

 

 

This kitchen remod is way over budget. Put your shoes on, girls…it’s time to go snatch up some Lifetime coins.

 

 

jill

 

 

 

Did I tell you that I’m dropping a hip, new musical video this week? It’s already on my FacePage.

 

 

 

 

 

So ignore it. Do it anyways. Prove them wrong. And read DanThat’sCool. Hear that, haters?

 

 

cns4

 

 

A few treats from Canton’s Jerky King in the gopher trap and just like that I got a new fur stole.

 

 

ab

 

 

 

FYI. Sing Sing’s an all-male, maximum security prison, you idiot. But Mama does like her boys.

 

S01-E01_15-06

 

 

 

We were gonna show up, too, but that one couldn’t find her phone and they left without us.

 

 

 

Quick question.

Asking for a friend, of course.
chloe

Dat’s rite.

We’re back.  At least for one week, anyway.

So try to contain your enthusiasm…fDaXui9…because it’s really happening, people.

The long awaited reveal of the worst kept secret in the history of Reality TV.

And me finally getting off my lazy a** to recap Dance Moms like the good ol’ days.

Double Whammy.

Deuces

And it’s all because Chloe Lukasiak is back in the hizzle, yo.Dance-1Dq6V_f-maxage-0_zpsnafcxcymI know, right?

But first…

Dance-Moms-6x15-Recap-Melissa-should-be-sorryI know I’ve been slacking on this blog lately.  Bigly.

trump-dismissive-gif

Fact:  I missed you guys.  F’realz.

Alternative Fact:  Unfortunately, this hot mess of a site has catapulted me into such a stratospheric new level of #SuperStardom that I no longer have time for the little people anymore.

I’m kind of a big deal now.

putting-on-sunglasses-white-purple-wowtumblr_niujn0MVjB1tb8iyko1_500Or not, maybe.

Closer to the actual truth might be the fact that Lifetime TV (…and that lady in the orange…) still refuse to pay my rent each month, which means I’m required to continue working a real job in the real world for a real small paycheck.

An annoyance which has seriously cut into quality couch time in front of my widescreen.

Don’t get me wrong, tho.

I’m sure Lifetime would be more than willing to compensate me for all this hilarity if a certain Executive Producer wasn’t pissing away all the profits on gym memberships and designer LensCrafters frames.

But you didn’t hear that from me.bstgiphy-1Kidding.  He’s my boy.  It’s all good.

And if he thinks they makes him look like Clark Kent on Casual Friday…whatever.

Side note:  Did we ever get an answer as to why Melissa and Jill wore the same hair that day?

Jill_and_Melissa_-_Season_5_Reunion

What was that all about?

Side note 2:  Remember when they used to film the Reunion Shows in Kelly‘s basement?  That was back when Jill did her own hair.  BRAND_LFT_DMOM_110987_CRS_2997_060_20130920_V1_HD_768x432-16x9But they fancy now.  Real Housewives of Pittsburgh 4Life.

And as far as the MIA Dance Moms recaps, it’s not like we lost touch during my absence.

To the contrary, actually.

I heard from many of you on social media.

dance-moms-season-7-premiere-recap-remember-thistumblr_novr40oSA11uvr2ddo1_500dance-moms-7x08-recap-dance-mom-holly-frazier-gets-annoyedgotohell

You know.  The usual.giphy copy 4But now we’re all back together again.  In Pittsburgh.  Where it all began.

The birthplace of the ALDC.

And home to the ALDC.  But not the same ALDC.  Pay attention…because it’s confusing.

Turns out the Pittsburgh Abby Lee Dance Company is now the Appolonia Leake Dance Company.

Or at least on paper and in Yelp reviews.  Everything else still has the old name all over it.

One.  The fact that they found someone with the exact same initials to sign the lease is amazing.  If it’s a lease, I mean.  One Instagram account says Ms. Leake owns the ALDC now.

Two.  It’s not this Apollonia.

purple-rain-4The one riding on the back of Prince‘s motorcycle in Purple Rain spells her name with one ‘P’ and two ‘Ls’ and should be wearing a helmet.

The one that is slowly painting over all evidence that Abby Lee Miller ever stepped foot in the building is spelled with two ‘Ps’ and one ‘L.’  Because, of course it is.

Look at Abby ’bout ready to rip that damn sign right off the wall.

aldcSide note:  If they still have that Reign Dance Production marquee up on the highway, I’m not playing anymore.  Don’t even ask me where the Maryen Lorraine Dance Studio fits into all this mess.
7R0F35ORegardless.  E’rryone is back in PA for Nationals.  Because, you know.  The Road to Nationals.

As Holly and Nia Sioux took in the view from the parking lot, marveling at the gutted out flat top pavement and subzero temperatures, Abby was inside getting ready to not run the Pyramid of Shame.

potholeYou can’t see it in that photo, but Holly was wearing an 84K diamond cocktail necklace at 2 in the afternoon.  Because she can now.  And she did.

Remember when Nia was so little she used to disappear in those parking lot cracks  like they were sink holes?  Our little Sasha is all growed up like wicked big now.

Tumblr_lxm6cgZKhM1qmsq6vOnce everyone made it inside, all the girls fell into Beyoncé Formation one last time.

At least in Pittsburgh.  The whole show was in kind of a TMZ flux during filming.

Look at this and tell me you don’t feel old.

rehost-2016-9-13-93cc7c74-ed62-4578-b0bd-c4e7ca7f4e92lineupWhat the what with these little kids—?

And don’t tell me that it wasn’t a complete mindf*** to see all those new Moms mixed in with the Few & the Proud remaining Original Recipe Moms, all standing at the same Pure Barre railing that Mackenzie used to bump her head on every week.

Especially this Mom.

bowWho’s the perfect toxic mash-up of that lady who always screams at her kids…

54eaa11ab4bf2_-_h-wd1109-kate-gosselin-2…and that other lady who was always in the top/middle spot on Hollywood Squares.

RoseMarieI mean, c’mon.

bow1This is when I really wish Joan Rivers was still alive.

Oh.  And it was Pashmina Poncho Day at the ALDC.  But only for the OGs.

ponchoI’m not even sure who this kid is.  I don’t think she’s danced in the last 3 weeks, has she?dShe seems nice, tho.

And look at these two niblets.mini

As previously noted, there was so much to do this week (…Nationals!…) that Abby decided it was best to skip the Pyramid and get right down to bidnezz, which kind of disappointed me since I was really looking forward to one last creaky, dusty PA Pyramid.

687474703a2f2f696d61676573322e77696b69612e6e6f636f6f6b69652e6e65742f5f5f636232303133303430313134323734362f64616e63656d6f6d732f696d616765732f662f66652f5330312d4530315f30342d34322e6a7067#NeverForget.

Jill Vertes Fashion Watch:  When the temperature drops, the fur comes out and the Bump-It goes up.

jillj2Fact:  It’s more accurate than the Weather Channel.  And if I’m lying, I’m dying.

This week (…at Nationals!…) Lilly, Elliana, Kalani and Brynn all scored solos, which meant that the two most senior members of the ALDC Team got nada.

reallyNia’s #SrslyFace is straight up #Goals.

Kendall didn’t seem as concerned, tho, probably because this was the week her new music video was going to be premiered to a throng of screaming young girls who shouldn’t be allowed anywhere near a nightclub that has open liquor bottles displayed on the wall.

Spoiler Alert:

tumblr_olr1upJLds1tb8iyko1_500Q.  Where would I be without you?

But Nia and Kendall would at least be part of the Big Girl group routine (…cryptically entitled “Is There Still Hope?”…) where they would all portray characters from the seedier side of the PA streets.

Kalani was going to be the junkie.  KK schizophrenic.  Brynn was developing an eating disorder.  Newbie Camryn would rep the prostitutes.

200_s

And Nia was going to be in a gang, because…LaQuifa What?

imagestumblr_nnwi1dEwiN1tb8iyko1_500reallySwear to Gawd.  Seven years later and Abby’s still trying to make her wear that lace front.

Full disclosure:  Initially, the group routine was going to be a number about conquering cancer, but Abby had forgotten that the girls had already sung that song with a pink ribbon way back in the old’n days.

Once the Moms reminded her that she was about to recycle a routine, Abby went and sat on her crash pad until Nia’s gang dance came to her in a vision.

a1abby dancing 2

#CrashPadMemories.  Good times.

And then the internet started to break:

Our first glimpse of Chloe and Christi and no-longer-a-baby Baby Clara.

First in a flashback, which explained the Lukasiaks’ Season 4 departure, but did nothing to address what exactly was happening in the back of Abby’s hair while Christi was ripping her a new one…

fb1…and then in a flashforward (…I think that should have been two words…) which made me a little emotional for my Toddlers & Tiaras crew.

Dance Moms:
tToddlers & Tiaras:

A-past-contestant-seen-on-Toddlers--Tiaras._gallery_primary

Dance Moms:c2

Toddlers & Tiaras:Toddlers_And_Tiaras_Recap

Dance Moms:claraLook at how big Clara got.  That’s crazy pants.

Long story short.  This…

tumblr_mebsdpvAYP1rytq3ko1_500…turned into this when nobody was looking.

c3Casa Lukasiak got a kitchen makeover with a pretty pricey refrigerator.

ch1

And this is a good color on Christi.ch4A Million Bonus Points:  That strategically placed Teen Choice Award surfboard was EVERYthing.

Remember when Chloe scored that giant foam slab in 2015 and so many girls screamed that all the neighborhood dogs started running in circles?  The Library was open on that Read when she read Abby at the podium, right?

Chloe-Lukasiak-teen-choice-winner-00

And her stunt double got one, too, which I thought was nice.  You don’t think our girl did 4 years of Christi vs. Abby fight scenes without some help, do you?  b083fe9562de173bc8d22e

A Million More Bonus Points:  After deciding to crash the Nationals party, Chloe said that if things got out of control, maybe the Federal Government could help them with Abby.

#OhNoSheDin’t.

tumblr_lq035oF2qT1qbnfoaMeanwhile, back at the ALDC, all the wrong Moms were up in the Original MomPerch all sitting in the wrong MomSpots.  Shout out to Holly for snagging her end seat, tho.  All those years running into a crowded school cafeteria finally paid off.  Dat’s my seat, yo.

dance-moms-holly-melissa

The new Moms gnawed on each others’ necks for awhile after finding out that Lilly’s Dad was doing the vocals on her solo music.  Which I guess would be an issue if her Dad was Nat King Cole or something.

But he’s not.  So relax.

mI literally can’t stop looking at that hair.

m1Look at Yolanda.  You know she wants to.

Public Service Announcement:  Brace yourselves, ladies.  Put your trays in the upright position and fix your lip gloss, cuz we’re all about to experience a #ZackAttack.

zToddlers_And_Tiaras_RecapI know, right?  So dreamy.

Little Zack Torres is now Big Zack Torres and he just made his triumphant return to the Candy Apples!

zorro7_zpsf6605685

Look at Ava back there.   She knows wassup.

z1I probably could’ve done without Cougar Cathy Nesbitt-Stein pointing out what a #ZackSnack he was in front of all the kids…but she’s old, not dead.  So I guess…you know.

cnsGot enough crap on those shelves?

And this Mom was back again.

haleySide note:  I realize that every time Melanie‘s on the show I point out how she once knocked over my soda at a Boston Food Court and just kept walking like she had somewhere to go, but I feel it needs constant repeating because it cost me almost $1.50 in gym bag change.

This Mom returned, too.

zzzzSssssh.  Don’t wake her.  She’s resting up for a Throw Down later.

The CADC group routine was going to be about Abduction and Human Trafficking, which was a heavy and emotionally disturbing subject to everyone.  Especially 20 years ago when the ALDC did it with a playground swing.  But, again…I’m not judging.  Out loud.

I’m not even sure who this Mom is, but she experienced abduction in her own family and that is both heartbreaking and not cool, so she was allowed to get emotional.

taraKeep your kids close.  Nobody should have to go through that.  Ever.

Alternative Fact:  I think I forgot to mention that Cathy was positively gleeful at the possibility of Abby ending up in Sing Sing when all the financial drama reached Sentencing.

You might to Google that before you go on CNN, honey.cns1Bonus MomPerch footage:  Please tell me you saw that interaction between Kira and Ashlee when Kira was all like ‘Don’t even tell me you’re gonna put that whole thing in you mouth all at once…”

ka

And Ashlee was all like “Watch me…”ka1

And Kira was all like “OhMyGod you totally did it.  How ’bout you chew your food?…”kiraAnd then Holly was all like #HollyFace.khaDisclaimer:  Kidding.

You know I love Ashlee even though she stopped following me on Twitter.  And let’s be real.  Whatever she was inhaling looked mighty tasty, so scoot over and break me off a piece of that Kit Kat Bar.

And then we were off to Kendall K’s music video premiere!!!!

kk

Starring Jill!
v

And more Jill!
v1And even more Jill!

tumblr_inline_mj71f0nIBR1qg907pGo home, Jill.  You’re drunk.

tumblr_olr1x3c44W1tb8iyko1_500Disclaimer(s):  You know Jill Vertes will always be my MomCrush.  Your arguments are invalid.

And I guess Kendall K’s actual…actual…online music video looks completely different and actually stars Kendall K.  So I’m not really sure what they premiered.  Or why Abby was selling merch in the lobby like it was a Grateful Dead tour.  Maybe she’s just a little short on cash.

(Too soon?)

Side note:  Not gonna lie.  I thought Abby was shaving Kate Gosselin’s back in this clip until I realized she was just autographing some of the DeadHead t-shirts.  You can’t even make this stuff up anymore.

akateThe next day, after a tearful last look at the ALDC studio in the rearview mirror, it was Showtime!

In an airplane hangar.  On the Planet Hoth.

Look at how far away the makeup tables were from the front door.

airAnd look at how how cold it was in there.

giphy-1actumblr_myulqp8MPg1r93xiko6_r1_500ahI’m pretty sure this show stopped making sense somewhere around the middle of Season One.

Everybody was freezing, which I guess would explain why the emcee’s cheeks were so pink during the Red Carpet photo op.  Careful with that mic, dude.

sb  You know what happened the last time somebody shoved something in her face.

ReJtLxHAnd then Cathy & Co. stampeded through the ALDC makeup hangar like they always do, pushing over both the vinyl banner and Holly’s last button.

hfThat’s enough Candy Apple nonsense for me, thank you very much.

Side note:  Isn’t this copyright infringement?

cokeCoca-cola advertLooks like Abby might have a roommate in Sing Sing after all.

And then Abby kinda sorta mentally shut down and didn’t even bother to give the girls their normal pre-game pep talk, which got an already frustrated Holly even more frustrated.

harmFact:  She’s literally been waving that right arm in the air for 7 years.

And then finally, it was really Showtime!

Programming Note:  Since we’re running a little long given the 2 hour broadcast, I’ll try to trim the fat to speed up the process.

Zack’s makeup was on point.

zz

Zack’s Mom.  When your son has better contouring than you, why even bother.torres

I love Gina.

Human Prop Vivi-Anne was back to reclaim her title as Miss Human Abduction Prop 2017.

vivZack scooped her up faster than Chunky Monkey on Ben & Jerry’s Free Cone Day.  I love Vivi-Anne almost as much as she loves ice cream.  Which is a lot.  And more than dancing.

giphy-2Why this kid doesn’t have a sitcom yet, I swear…

Lilly’s Dad looks like the guy from The Commish after he shaved his head.  And her brother’s gonna be a heart breaker once he stops sleeping with a retainer.

familylillyThis random guy’s eyebrows, tho.  I just can’t.  And neither can Kira.

eyeWait for it…

cc1

There’s Holly’s right arm again.armWait for it…

cc2There was even some dancing, but you’re gonna have to Google the results.  You know the rules.

minis khh aldc l2Wait for it…

cccryKate Gosselin almost punched out that other Mom after the competition.

push fightAnd then…

Wait for it…

wait-whatOk. Now.

maxresdefault tumblr_olr2p7RuYE1tb8iyko1_500 tumblr_olr2p7RuYE1tb8iyko3_400 tumblr_olr2p7RuYE1tb8iyko2_400Everyone.  Lost.  Their.  Minds.

Holly was a #HotMess.

hjc

Jill wasn’t sure how she felt about Christi’s off-the-shoulder peasant dress.jc

Chloe was thinking about getting back into competition mode.compete

Christi already needed a drink. clThere were hugs and kisses and screams and more hugs and more kisses and more screaming.

And then just like that…it was over.

Or was it?  Is it?

Chloe was back.

Or was she?

Can you really go home again?

To be continued…

Lolppo

Dance Moms: Fix Your Feet And Cover Your Ears. It’s Nothing But Trash Talk And Decisions…!@#$%* Decisions.

Wednesday, March 26th, 2014

g

 

 

Yo. Hold up. What’d that little bitch in the beanie just call me?

 

 

mz

 

 

 

Between you and me, I think they’re all !@#$%* stupid for showing up every week to get their a** whooped.

 

h

 

 

Really don’t like that language. Especially when I just spent three !@#$%* hours flat ironing my hair and nobody noticed.

 

cn

 

 

 

Swearing like that just shows everyone you have no class. Hit ’em with your purse and be a lady.

 

h1

 

 

 

Cuz I mean…c’mon. Are you looking at this hair? That’s right I got it going on today, bitches.

 

 

k

 

 

 

Ok. Fine. It’s gone. Now can we all stop talking about it and watch my damn kid do her spins?

 

j

 

 

 

What the hell am I supposed to do with this thing? Srsly.

 

 

 

 

Lawd.  I swear.

Well, not really.  Not a lot, anyway.

Maybe once in awhile I might cuss someone out.  Every now and then when they get in my face.  Or maybe every time I have to deal with the boobs in Comcast’s customer service department.  Then I definitely swear.  A lot.

But otherwise, I don’t swear that much.

At least not as much as some of these Dance Moms.

I swear…a few of these ladies could probably back an 18 wheeler up through the ALDC parking lot and never hit one pothole.

And speaking of.  It was potty mouths and pretty feet this week as Abby Lee Miller set out to make it an even dozen in the Win category.

You know the song by now.

Two Four Six Eight.  Nine uncork the wine.  Ten let’s drink again.

I forget what Eleven was.

But Twelve?  That would be sumthin sumthin beyond Santa’s Elve, I imagine.  So there was already pressure building as everyone scooted in for the Pyramid of Shame.

Kalani was back in the lineup.  And most of Mom Kira was back, too, if you know what I mean.  Because I know you do.

Yup.  The MoleGate scandal is officially over now, people.  Keep it moving.  Nothing to see here.  Not anymore anyway.

Super tall Payton and everyone’s favorite Walmart Mom Leslie were also still in the building, which had to be some kind of a record for the two of them, given their history.kh

Spoiler Alert:  If she was smart, Leslie kept the motor running in the getaway car this week, so it would be all warm and ready to go.  Just in case.

Before the Big Reveal, Abby made it official.  Kalani did not have to return her ALDC track jacket because she was now a permanent member of the Team.  She was the new Brooke and Paige.  Which meant that Kira was the new Kelly.

Which meant that Payton was still nothing and that Leslie could blow her first nutty of the episode.  Which she did.  And quite well, I might add.

Bottom row of the Pyramid was packed full of Kalani, Kendall, Nia and Chloe.  Kendall got called out for going through the motions at last week’s competition.  Chloe had lost out to Mackenzie, who had basically just worn one of Maddie‘s old HandMeDown costumes and danced one of Maddie’s old HandMeDown MaddieFace dances.

Abby had expected much more from Nia, given her past drag queen experience.  Which was something that I never thought I would hear spoken to a 12 year old girl from Pennsylvania, so Holly and I both made the same LaquifaWhatFace at the same time because we didn’t know what else to do.

The middle of the pile was home to Mackenzie, Maddie and Payton.  Kudos to Leslie’s kid for looking like a girl dressed as a boy dressed as a girl with Groucho Marx eyebrows.

And the top?  Aren’t we out of dancers already?

Psych.  It was Kelly Hyland and her Charlie Brown sweater, captured in extreme fuzzy closeup on that fateful afternoon when she smacked Abby’s face and ended up on TMZ.

Nothing like slamming a Mom hard when you know that she’s legally prevented from responding on Twitter, I always say.  Boom.  Take that.

This week the gang was headed to another World Class Talent Experience in Cow Country Canton, Ohio.  Which is still home to more beef jerky than you could ever eat in a lifetime and the Evil Dance Lair known as the Candy Apples.

So, yeah.  It’s on again.  And this time it’s on Cathy Nesbitt-Stein‘s home turf.

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The group routine was going to be a snowy white Frost kind of theme, which I think meant that nobody wanted to pay the rights to use any of songs from Disney’s Frozen.  Abby was still in the HandMeDown Zone, so she wanted to reuse some old fuzzy white costumes that the Moms had taken home after the first go-round.  Why they did that when there’s a whole cluttered fire trap of a costume room somewhere in the belly of the ALDC where the Moms always end up when they want to snark on each other…I dunno.

But for whatever reason, Abby had let those off the property and now she wanted them all back.  Which meant that someone had to either break into the Hyland home while they were out filming youtube videos or the Moms had to draw straws and call Kelly for the costumes.

Yeah.  Good luck with that.

Kalani and Payton both scored solos.  And then everyone got to rehearsing.

Up in Ohio, Cathy and her crew were also hard at work preparing for the competition.

Nick Daniels had returned and both his freakishly long legs and frosted tips were all pointing straight up in the air the entire time he was on camera.  I swear his dancing is actually done by the same George Lucas CGI people who did Star Wars, because there’s no way somebody can really do that in real life with their junk.  And I’ve tried.

Those tiny Morales Salsa kids were also spinning around, as were Lady Killer Lucas Triana and Zack Attack Torres.  Everyone was already starting to stress out as Cathy reworked her own HandMeDown routine for the group number, which probably explains why Zack and Nick were being total pissy bitches to each other.

Dial it down, girls.

With only two days to go, the ALDC girls were going in a million different directions, which would explain why nobody seemed to notice that random guy in a baseball hat follow the Moms through the parking lot right up into the building.  That was kind of creepy and not explained at all, so I don’t know what was going on.  But stalkers and murderers don’t usually carry their drinks in with them, so it was probably nothing.

np

At the front desk there was more drama about the missing Frost dresses.  With 48 hours to go, Kalani and Payton were still going on stage naked unless someone came up with a plan.

Melissa thought that she could somehow telepathically will an old dress to transform itself into a new sparklier version, since in real life the woman can’t even plug in an iron.  Not waiting around for that miracle, Leslie left voicemail #79 for Kelly demanding the dresses back, which you know Kelly listened to while laying in her housedress watching Ellen.

God Bless caller ID.

Christi dropped about 20 F-Bombs and Holly wore the same big coat and head wrap that Carol Burnett wore when she did that 1920’s skit with Tim Conway.  I’m really starting to think that Dr. Beyoncé has poor Evan and William back in their old bunk beds now just so she can straight up hog that second bedroom for a walk-in closet.

Dang, girl.

Back in Ohio, all the Moms were making fun of Jill‘s 1-900 voice and watching Zack run around with one sock on his left foot.  It must be an Ohio gang thing or something, because little Gavin was doing the same thing.

I keep forgetting how ‘hood they are up in Canton.

Even when they have the sniffles.  Which Nick totally did.  Watch his nose.

While everyone checked the dryer for missing socks, things were chugging along back at the ALDC.  My MomCrush Jill was wearing one of her signature furry vests over some Wilma Flintstone couture top and Leslie was still on a rampage about something.  Kira was just rolling with the punches as Kelly kept checking caller ID.

With only one day left, nobody was in a good mood.  Nobody.

Remember those sassy pants that Holly was wearing last week?  Well, she bought them in black, too.  Girlfriend wasn’t having it anymore when Leslie started going on again about poor Payton, and she put a stop to the madness with one slam of the brakes.

h2

Shut.  It.  Down.

She even called it a Poor Payton Pity Party.  MmmHmmm?  Girl, bye.

You just get back up in your top bunk and be quiet.  Mommy’s having a day.

Then it was back to the white dress drama.  Melissa hadn’t learned how to sew overnight, but she did figure that she could probably get the cap off some Woolite and bleach out a few of the old costumes that everyone had brought into the studio.  All the Moms shlepped in with armloads of anything white that they could find at home and were determined to MacGyver something together with fur scraps, tin foil and paper clips.

Because the Show Must Go On.

Even without Payton, who…thanks once again to Leslie mouthing off…was kicked out of the group number before the bus even left for Ohio.  At least she still had her solo, right?

Finally, it was Showtime!

And some of the tackiest random makeup room fabric swagging I’ve ever seen.

Did you see that?  WTF was that all over the walls?  (Yes…it deserved more than one swear word.)  Was it covering up some kind of top secret information that should never be seen on broadcast television?  Or did somebody really think they had just created the newest trend in home decorating?  Really?

It was like when you were in college and hung marijuana tapestries and that flag from Dukes of Hazzard all over your walls.

If you went to Liberace University, that is.

Sidenote:  Can you even imagine the syllabus if that was a real college?  Fabulous 101.

Leslie had one of those last minute Toddlers & Tiaras Moments when you find out that your kid’s cupcake dress doesn’t fit right as they’re calling her name to the stage.  Who does that?  And why do they keep doing it?

l

Payton’s costume didn’t fit and they didn’t bring another one.  It escalated quickly and before you knew it Leslie dropped an F-Bomb that would make even Christi blush right before the whole world found out that Payton already needs an upgrade to a larger size.

Buh Bye, Leslie.  Thanks for playing.  The new rules clearly state that any Mom who drops the F-Bomb gets kicked out.

There’s also probably something in there about not wearing a blouse that’s going to gap and pop open so wide that we can see your bra if you’re planning on losing your mind.

Because that totally happened and now I’m not sure I can forgive you.  Ever.

So go.  You can wait in the bus.

And if it gets cold, maybe you could borrow the Candy Apples track jacket that Cathy gave to the judge as a bribe.  Because that also totally happened and I’m willing to bet he wears it proudly every Thursday when he goes bowling.

If Liberace University has a Faculty Bowling League, that is.

Nick’s solo was all legs and Slinky arms.  No shirt, though.  That must be another Skinny Boy Dancer Gang thang, yo.

Kalani rocked her Asia Monet Ray bun and showed that she could handle the pressure on her first ALDC solo.  Bring it.

Backstage in the CADC makeup room, the kids were all checking their iPhones and discussing some of the Anti-Abby #Hashtag names they had seen on posters when things got way outta control.

Waaaay.

Lucas and his red beanie (…allegedly…) called Gavin !@#$%* Stupid (…that’s even how they subtitled it, missing one letter if you want to get overly technical…) when he tried to join the conversation.  Gavin’s Mom Joanne flipped a switch.  Lucas denied swearing even though his mouth moved and whatever he was doing with his tongue was deemed gross enough to need pixelation by the Lifetime people.

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Joanne screamed.  Gavin cried.  Brigette refused to let go of her new Revlon lipstick, but still managed to hurl herself into the heat of the battle like a Mama Bear.

Then Lucas cried.  Like they do on soap operas when they go from 0 to 60 in a split second.  Mom got protective but still refused to put down that lipstick.  It’s like it was the source of all her superpowers or something.

Joanne yanked both kids out the door, quit the CADC and then got talked back into staying by Cathy.  Brigette applied a second coat of Super Lustrous Cherry Blossom and my boy Lucas had some ‘splaining to do when this episode aired in his house.

I believe the whole thing only lasted about 30 seconds, but I’m still traumatized.

Eventually, the Candy Apples managed to zip their potty mouths long enough to hit the stage for the group dance, which was a-mazing.  Legs and mo’ legs.  And some crazy a** spins that totally deserved a swear word.  Nick (…of course…) ended the number with the Mother of All One Leg In The Air Lifts and now I can no longer go upstairs without having flashbacks.   I don’t care what anyone says.  That has got to hurt.

And then finally, it was time for the ALDC group routine.

The hometown crowd was making so much noise that the girls couldn’t hear the music and missed the first turn bop a loo bop.  Maddie freaked out because it wasn’t perfect.  Kalanie gave her second dose of Asia Monet Ray Realness and was all like If You Can’t Make It Fake It.  We were fabulous, mmmkay?  Snap Snap.  And then she walked off like she was leaving the Wendy Williams Show.

We like her.  She’s almost sassy.

Then they did some awards.  Google it if you’re really that into the scores.  You’re really on the wrong website if that’s your thing.

All that really mattered was the ALDC made it Twelve on the Shelve(s) and won First Place.  Guess that means it’s time to come up with something that rhymes with Thirteen.

Gah.  I swear this show is a lot of work sometimes.

What do you think, Lucas?

How’d you like the recap?

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Dance Moms: Witch, Pleez. There’s A Big Dangerous House Droppin’, Booty Poppin’ Storm Moving In On Virginia.

Wednesday, January 22nd, 2014

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I don’t care if you all come in like a damn Wrecking Ball or a Butterball. Just drop it hard on her head.

 

 

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Phhffffft. Bitch.

 

 

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Whoa. This is not my fault. Nobody told me you lose points for dressing up like an Amish furniture maker.

 

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It is what it is, y’all. Haters gonna hate cuz this Mama still knows how to rock her Bump-It. Werk.

 

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Check it before you wreck it, Gurlz. Baby don’t need no solo when she’s looking this Fierce, mmkay?

 

 

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Still a Bitch.

 

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I could totally pull off one of those Kardashian selfies. Not bad for 2 kids.

 

 

 

Pop Quiz.

Are you a Good Witch or a Bad Witch?

Or just the owner of a dance studio?  Because it’s a fine line nowadays.

And Dance Moms went there this week, stirring up the competitive Dark Side.

Good vs. Evil.  Mom vs. Mom.  Kendall vs. Chloe.  And of course…ALDC vs. CADC.

After an almost perfect showing in Orlando, it was time to ramp up for the next competition as the gang all hustled in for the latest Pyramid of Shame.

Well, except for Payton that is, who did more of a klunk klunk foot drag kind of thing than an actual hustle since she was now on wobbly crutches after going down hard right before last week’s group routine.

You remember that, right?  When Payton tripped on something backstage and all those big, beefy EMTs came rushing into the makeup room to save the day?  And Christi laid down on the floor pretending that she needed CPR while Abby ran in circles like a St. Bernard rescue dog slobbering tongue goo all over the walls?

Yeah.  You remember.  It was Desperate Housewives: Pittsburgh Edition.

And now Payton was uncomfortably held up by crutches at the bottom of the Pyramid, and struggling to explain what really happened that fateful afternoon.

When she first hit the floor last week, word on the street was that she had flipped over a chair and gone down, but by the time the Chippendales ambulance arrived the story had already changed to something about tripping over Kendall.  And now, when confronted by Abby and several unnamed government sources, it turns out that Payton was allegedly mocking some random ballet dancer on stage at the time and may have actually wiped out simply due to the fact that she was born with two left feet.

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Busted.

Paytongate.  We may never know the real answer.

Especially since Mom Leslie immediately blew another Walmart Nutty while claiming that her kid had tripped over a backstage prop (…Version…what are we up to now…#4?…) before Mom and Daughter were both kicked off the team and right out of the building.

Thanks for playing.  Game Over.

If you keep track of this kind of thing, Payton literally spent less time on camera this week than she did maneuvering herself in and out around the parking lot potholes.  And that’s gotta suck on crutches.

And then there were seven.

The rest of the bottom tier consisted of Kendall, Nia and Brooke.  Kendall was still paying the price for being late to the Orlando competition, thanks in part to Mom Jill taking too long to pack all her fur coats after attending another daughter’s event.  Brooke had forgotten some choreo (…that’s what the Cool Kids call ‘choreography’ nowadays…) and Nia had blended in…which I would have assumed isn’t really a bad thing in a group number.  But I’m no dance teacher, so there’s that.

Not gonna lie.  I really want Nia to get her Moment To Shine.  I do.  But I also really enjoy her ‘OhHellNoBitchPleezYouDidNotJustGoThere’ Face every time Abby sticks it to her in front of the other girls.  You do not wanna make Nia snap her fingers in a Z Formation.

Trust me.  You just don’t.

The middle row of The Pyramid was home to Chloe, Paige and Mackenzie.  There was still some unsolved drama over how Chloe and Kendall had managed to swap spots in the program after it had gone to print that would drag through the entire episode.  I forget why Paige was there in the middle.  I almost forgot Paige was there all together if we’re being honest.  She hasn’t had much face time lately.

It should also be noted that Mackenzie had her Little Girl hair bow back on in her headshot but was still giving us Fish Lip Kissy Face Realness.  How old is this kid?  Really?

Maddie was at the top again.

I just cut & paste that sentence every week in case you were wondering.

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This week the gang was headed to Roanoke, VA for the Dance Troupe International competition (…DTI for those in the know…) where they would once again be going head to head with Ohio’s Evil Dance Lair.

Yup.  Candy Apples was gonna be back in the hizzle again.

To celebrate the return of Abby’s Evil Nemesis, the ALDC group routine was aptly but not so cleverly entitled “The Witches of East Canton” (…I see what you did there, Ms. Miller…) with Maddie playing a Good Witch who faces off against all the other Bad Witches in town.  This way, Abby could stick it to not only Cathy Nesbitt-Stein but also everyone sitting upstairs in the ALDC MomPerch all at the same time.

Multi-tasking?  Always Bonus Points.

Kendall and Chloe were assigned opposing solos again in yet another attempt at determining who would be Abby’s Number Two Girl in the highly unlikely event that Maddie is abducted by aliens and can no longer fulfill her duties as Top Dawg.

And then it was off to rehearsals, and to Ohio for an injection or two of testosterone.

That’s right.  The Candy Apples Boy Band had reunited and Cathy was positively giddy.

Zack Attack, Lady Killer Lucas and The Other Nick were all back together again with bad a** choreographer Blake McGrath, so you knew there would be one leg up in the air high kicks and screaming tweenybop girls for days.

And just to make certain the group routine would be amaze balls, Cathy had imported two new ringers for this week’s competition.

The Morales Kids!!

Who I guess are some brother/sister big dealio in the youtube world, but honestly I’m so far behind in my puppies riding skateboards and kittens playing piano videos that I haven’t even had a moment to catch my breath, much less begin Googling ‘Dance Phenoms.’

I’m sure their videos are da bomb.

Accompanied by their Mom (…who chews an awful lot of gum I gotta say…) Gavin and McKenzie Morales busted into the Jerky Store like the internet rockstars they are.

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Everyone went temporarily insane and then Blake got the party started, even though I’m pretty sure his hip hop pants were on backwards.

Gavin, who’s a tiny little squirt of a dancing machine and his sister McKenzie, not to be confused with the original recipe Mackenzie or Makenzie from Toddlers & Tiaras (…is it any wonder that my spellcheck never works anymore?…) reminded me of the two little salsa kids that Macy’s always rolls out during the Dancing With The Stars finale.  They were cuties and really seemed to know their shizz.

I’m also pretty sure the boy had frosted tips like ‘N Sync used to rock back in the day.

Bye Bye Bye.

Back in Pittsburgh, Chloe was working on her Miley Cyrus solo while Kendall struggled with a high energy M.I.A. bouncy ball dance.  But the real struggle was up in the MomPerch as Holly sat on Christi to prevent her from punching Jill in the throat again.

Seriously.  This drama over the program order is getting old.  How much longer, ladies?

I’m also beginning to wonder if Dr. Beyoncé actually uses any hot rollers or if just being around all these crazy moms 24/7 is making her hair look like that.  I like it.  Don’t get me wrong.  But sometimes I bet my girl just wants to let them chew each others’ faces off while she takes her new hair out the back door for an Herbal Essence Moment of Clarity.

Which you can buy here, if you so desire.  The book.  Not the shampoo.  The shampoo’s on sale at CVS if you use a coupon, though.

The remainder of the rehearsals leading up to the DTI competition were chock full of  the usual drama.  Jill wanted a level playing field between Kendall and Chloe.  Christi wanted to poke Jill in the eye socket and then sneak another peak at Chloe’s special top secret costume.  Kelly wanted Abby to stop picking on her kids for one (bleeping) day.  And Melissa just wanted better cell reception upstairs because it was taking waaay too long for her tweets to post.

At some point during all the hysteria, Kendall almost flat lined when she couldn’t catch her breath and Jill had to rush from the MomPerch to make sure her kid didn’t go into a full blown panic attack.  I really thought Christi was going to film it with her iPhone and put it up on Instagram since she was already downstairs taping Chloe’s rehearsal.  You know she totally thought about it for a second until Jill gave her Side Eye.

Finally, it was Showtime!

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And once again, the crowd went completely bazoinkers when the ALDC bus pulled up to the bumper.  Ba.  Zoinkers.

Backstage, Chloe unveiled her expensive, sparkly solo ensemble right before poor little Kendall shlepped out from behind the curtain in some last minute rags that Abby clearly pulled from an H&M clearance rack while the bus was gassing up across the street.

Srsly.  ‘SWAG?’  On a shirt?  D’Hell wuzzat?  No one even says that any more except for Justin Bieber and he’s a complete Tool.

Jill was not liking it.  At all.  But the show must go on even if somebody’s playing favorites in the costume closet.

Kendall’s SwagSolo was a little SoSlow.  Not swaggy enuff, according to Cathy, who kept talking the entire time  behind Jill’s seat until Mama Lion turned around and took a swipe at her suburban Ohio prey.

No, you shut up.

Chloe’s solo went well, but I had trouble hearing the music over the sound of Jill’s teeth grinding together.  Equal playing field my butt.  And cold shoulder cut outs.

I should also probably note that Jill’s hair was exceptionally big this week.  I’m thinking the new and improved Holly Frazier has forced Jill to step up her game.  Well played this week, Mrs. Vertes.  Well played.

But the group routines were when the game really started getting good.

The Candy Apples Wild Party dance crew hit the stage with one shiny suit leg up in the air as all the Boyz took turns tossing McKenzie 2014 around the stage.

Side note:  How tall is this Nick kid?  Seriously.  What he lacks in the Original Nick’s Dreamyosity he certainly makes up for in claymation flexibility.

And don’t even take this as a slam, because I looooved this movie.  But do you remember The Nightmare Before Christmas?  The Tim Burton one?  You tell me that Nick Daniels doesn’t look exactly like Jack Skellington with a Backstreet Boy Head.  All long arms and crazy legs going uncontrollably all over the place.

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How does he even do that?  That has GOT to hurt.

When Nick hit the stage he looked exactly like Jack Skellington when he fell down that tree hole into the Christmas Town snow bank.  And I was totes jealz.

What’s this?  What’s this?

I bet Gavin’s Mom would have swallowed her gum if she hadn’t had such a huge wad of Dubble Bubble in her mouth.

After the Candy Apples did their thang, the ALDC hit the stage all slicked back and contoured and witched-up.  Tonight when I hit the gym I’m totally cutting up my biceps with eye shadow like Nia did.  Pop them guns, Gurrrl.

And then there was nothing left to do but award some trophies.  Especially the one for Most Fierce Emcee Walk To The Stage Ever award.  Did you see that dude werk it from the back to the front like it was New York Fashion Week?  Wait.  What?

Kendall came in Second Place.  Which was not First Place.  So here we go again.  Sorry, Chloe took that spot.

Despite Blake’s lucky hat, the Candy Apples came in Second Place in the group category, which opened up a whole ‘nother can of fresh apple sauce backstage as Lucas’ Mom Brigette got all worked up about the Politics of Dancing, which coincidentally enough is also a song that she recently Shazamed on her iPhone.

Mama T. does love her Shazam app.  And we love her for it.

If you do the math, that meant that the ALDC pulled in First Place for their oh so subtle Good Witch/Bad Witch slam against the state of Ohio.  So there, Boyz.

Girl Power to the bazillionth.

But that doesn’t mean anyone (…except Maddie…and Mackenzie, of course, who pretty much comes as a free gift with purchase…) is safe from elimination.

Because the Open Auditions are back next week.

Game On, Witches.

Pow!  Pow!

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