DanThat'sCool!

Crazy for trying and crazy for crying. And I’m crazy for loving you.

No, for the millionth time I don’t know Carrie Underwood.

Mamas, don’t let your babies grow up to be Housewives.

Well, sheeeeooooot.

Smack my butt and call me Sally.

Or Taylor.  Or Adrienne.  Or Kyle.

Hold on to your Louis Vuitton Stetsons, because it was Beluga Caviar, Skoal Chewing Tobacco and My Little Pony come to life as The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills tried to get in touch with their Inner Cowgirl this week.

But before we could get to the Rodeo Drive County Fair, we had to finish off the Tea Party from Hell back at the Vanderpump Mothership.

Last time we saw all the girls, Lisa’s prim and proper British Tea Party had taken a little bit of a bad left turn when Camille, fed up with Taylor’s inconsistent behavior regarding her mess of a marriage with Russell (…and maybe just a little residual “I hate Kelsey” still stuck to the bottom of her tea cup…) finally addressed the elephant in the room.

And by addressing the elephant in the room, I mean she stalked the elephant, killed it jungle dart style, dragged it across the lawn, up the front stairs and dumped it in the middle of the living room all by herself.  Then she addressed it, and then proceeded to make a necklace from the tusks.

She said it.

Russell is abusive.  And until Taylor can be honest, Camille can’t be bothered.  With one last telanovela-worthy “That’s not cool,” Camille was gone, leaving Lisa and Taylor to kiss and make up while Kyle sat back doing that hands on her face thing that she does every week.  Not cool.

To break the tension, we got some much needed comic relief from another episode of The Kim & Ken Show.

Now that Kyle and the rest of us in BravoLand know that Kim has moved in with her new redneck beau Ken, we can all look forward to seeing them bump into each other as they get used to having another person in the house.

Think The Carol Burnett Show on meds.

This week whacky Kim and Ken are bickering over one of those wire Golden Gate Bridge wall art thingamabobs from Home Goods.  They are deciding if it should go over the fireplace and turn the whole project into a Tim Conway sketch.  Kim actually thinks it’s a boat, not a bridge, which would give the live audience quite a chuckle if they still filmed shows in front of one like the good old days.

Let’s just say that if the woman can’t tell the difference between the two, I don’t want to be anywhere near her on the expressway or in the water.  Sitcom gold.  I’m so glad we had this time together.

After all these years, Faye Resnick is still on her post OJ Simpson Image Repair Tour and somehow manages to randomly score on screen face time when you least expect it.

Usually she only shows up for Housewife seances and bad dinner parties, but this time she is back with fabric swatches and an ear for gossip.  She is torn between adding color to Kyle’s home or dishing about Taylor’s marriage, and has apparently given herself the title of Abusive Relationship Know It All/Interior Designer to cover all the bases.

Since her face doesn’t move anymore, I wasn’t really sure how concerned she actually was about the whole thing.  But the fabrics she chose looked nice.

Moving on, we get to check in with Lisa and daughter Pandora as they prep for the Big Day.  Pandora has chosen a bridesmaid dress and brings it to the restaurant to show Mum.  Most girls just cut a picture out of a magazine.  But whatever.  Better off to not question a Vanderpump.

Pandora also wants Mum to come to Las Vegas for the Bachelorette party.  For some reason I can’t quite get a visual on Lisa wearing one of those iParty tiaras and playing Pin the D*** on the Groom.  Naturally, Lisa declines the offer, though she does offer up the Las Vegas Planet Hollywood since she knows the creator and he is willing to let Vanderpumps Gone Wild use the venue for the night.

Is there anyone this woman does not know?  She barely got the camel fur off her gown from that Arabian Nights Engagement party last month, and she is already pimping out the next gazillionaire.  I must be doing something wrong.

Before the ‘wives go all country on our butts, we get one last lunch break with Kyle, Adrienne and Camille so they can continue to psychoanalyze Taylor.  For some reason they pick a clam shack/burger looking joint, give their order to an incredibly happy waiter and then talk a little smack.  Smack sprinkled with concern.

Luckily they didn’t really discuss anything earth shattering, because I was too distracted by the girl at the next table texting on her cell.

You know it was totally “OMG. I’m sitting next to the RHOBH.  OMG.  They make me feel so fat.  Andy Cohen is so dreamy.  LOL.”

Then it was time to put on our spurs, mosey down to the Saddle Rock Ranch and rustle up some grub at Kennedy Armstrong’s 5th Birthday Party.

After taking some heat for last year’s over the top, mucho expensivo Alice in Wonderland Mad Hatter birthday bash which her daughter barely even participated in, Taylor wanted to dial it down and keep it simple this time.

I know, right?  As if.

If by simple she meant a County Fair theme complete with petting zoo, bouncy tents, bull riding machine, live ponies and a guy from American Idol…then yeah.  Simple.

Following the signature Bravo format used in every single episode ever of The Rachel Zoe Project, nothing was on time and nothing was going right.

OhMyGod.  It was Beverly HIlls Ba-na-nas.

If you’ve never seen the Zoe Show, I guess you could have skipped that last paragraph.

Sorry.  I know you’re busy.

The only thing remotely County Fair about this whole thing was the horse poop on the ground.  Other than that it was nothing like the corn dog on a stick thing I remember when I was growing up.  I certainly don’t recall my parents dropping off the station wagon with the valet service.  And I know that I never saw that much on-loan turquoise jewelry on the women.

Label ho’ Dana came irritatingly early to prevent Taylor from having another meltdown and instead of gifting Kennedy a Barbie Dream House, she instead delivers former American Idol loser Ace Young in some cool biker shades.  Glad to see his career has sky rocketed to the point where he can still find time to sing at a 5 year old’s birthday party.  I guess Tim McGraw was busy.

Since Ace is better known for making Paula Abdul horny than for actually singing, he worked his pretty magic on Taylor who immediately got a little tongue tied.  For a woman who never eats, she was ready to gobble him up like last night’s left overs if she could get Dana out of the way.

For a little bit of a Green Acres mix, we went back to the city side of things long enough to check in on Lisa and Pandora as they picked out invitations.  Moo Goo Gay Wedding Planner Kevin Lee was back and he still didn’t quite seem to have gotten a handle on the fact that this is not actually his wedding that he’s planning.

But neither has Lisa, who is quick to point out that this is HER day, not his.  Umm.  Did either of you notice Pandora sitting there?  Just asking.

Instead of just licking an envelope and calling it a day, Pandora has chosen a massively oversized rose covered box bigger than her head to send as her invite.  She has so far put 187 people on the list.  And each box is $150.  I don’t have my calculator on me.  You figure it out.

Kevin Lee needed his inhaler by the end of the scene.  He was fogging up his Ace Young glasses.

Speaking of…back to the Saddle Rock.

Kim shows up and demonstrates how she can ride a bull.  Lucky Ken.

Then the whole thing got pretty awkward pretty quickly as both Russell and Brandi arrived on the scene.

Again, knowing how the story ends, the whole Russell thing just never gets easy to watch.  Even when he is being a total Dbag you hate thinking it or saying it out loud because…well, you know.  And nobody else likes the guy anymore.  They don’t even try.

The guy seems to have been born without the muscle that makes you smile and everyone snarks about Russell trying to use the event to become Father of the Year as he argues with Taylor about what time they are presenting the live pony.  The family photo has to go off as planned…or else, I guess.

Brandi shows up with her human crutch Cari and tries to make friends with Kim, who wants no part of that game.  With the theme song from Gunsmoke as a backdrop, Hop Along Brandi wobbles over to Kim as they face off like Marshall Dillon and that Bad Guy from Miss Kitty’s Saloon.  Not only can Kim not differentiate  between boats and bridges, but she also can’t seem to discern sincere from phony and naturally assumes that Brandi is just playing nice for the cameras.

Most of the girls missed the drama, since only Dana was scene stealing at the time.  Ace Young certainly didn’t notice as he clutched a cocktail and belted out a gravely birthday tune to all the 5 year olds in the audience as if he was expecting Ryan Seacrest to come down the stairs when he was done.  He knows where he is, right?

As Ace pumped his hips and pointed out into the audience I thought I heard a balloon animal pop.  Or an implant.  I don’t even want to know.

Finally Russell got his way and presented Kennedy with her new live pony.

Unfortunately Kennedy did not seem any more taken with the horse than she did with Ace, and both of them kind of just rode of into the sunset like the last scene in a bad silent movie western.

Git along, little doggies.

No offense, Giggy.

The girls are right. I need to start dating again.

Kelsey was right. She does smell like camel.

Ken was right. She does smell like sissy dog.

Excuse me?

With all due respect to those second string Real Housewives of New York, I’m pretty sure that I just experienced more of Morocco at one California party than I did during that entire drawn out multi week trip Ramona and The Countess had forced everyone to take part in this past season.  Seriously.

And this time it wasn’t even on Bravo’s tab.  No passports required, and you didn’t need to put all your toiletries into little airplane bottles.  This is the way to see the world, people.  Travel to a foreign land and still be home in time for Leno.

This week The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills went to fake Morocco…and infinity & beyond…to prove to any remaining doubters still out there, that they have more money than you will ever have.

End of story.  You lose.  They win.

Don’t even try to keep up, because this time around we got a reserved front row seat and the chance to witness excessive partying, excessive face lifting, generally excessive Beverly Hills excess…and a gigantic camel thrown in just to prove their point.

The Big Event was finally here.

Or at least the second biggest one if you count the upcoming Wedding.

Or maybe even third, actually, if you count the highly anticipated, though nervously stalled for eight episodes, first appearance of Russell Armstrong in what will undoubtedly go down in TV history as one of the most awkward and uncomfortable voices from the grave scenes ever.

Ever.

But whatever number you give the thing on the Superficially Important Bravo Scale, it was time for The Engagement Party.

On those rare occasions when Lisa Vanderpump actually stops talking about herself long enough to change subjects, the conversation usually veers towards her daughter Pandora who is still living in sin with her prepster boyfriend Jason and not making much progress on producing a grand baby to go head to fuzzy head against Sissy Dog Supreme Giggy for Mom’s attention.  Lisa wants a marriage license and a grandchild and she’s getting a little tired of waiting.  Thankfully Jason finally proposed, and it’s time for the Engagement Party!

Lisa and her live-in dog walker, husband Ken, have ample room in their home to host any party.  Casa Vanderpump is ginormous, in a crazy Architectural Digest meets the Barbie aisle at Target kind of way.

Ginormous.  And very pink.

But since Lisa doesn’t like other people using her bathroom, and large crowds give Giggy nervous pee, she has secured the mansion of her BFF Mohamed for Pandora’s bash.  Let him clean up after everyone leaves.  She’s no fool.

Not to be outdone, Taylor is planning another birthday party for 5 year old Kennedy.  Taylor took some heat last time for the over the top Wonderland Crazy Hat birthday party she threw that involved everyone but her daughter, so this time she is working the family friendly angle.  That requires lots of animals, a rodeo cowboy theme and a trip to what appears to be the country’s most expensive cake bakery.

In a quick little flashback to the party, knowing what we all know now, that entire episode last year was one big laser pointer signaling that something wasn’t right in Armstrong Land.  Seriously wrong.

Label junkie Dana meets her for some taste testing and design discussion at the bakery.  I’m thinking it’s because in Dana’s mind if she buddies up to Taylor, then Taylor will put in a good word with Camille, and Camille will finally give Dana squatters rights at the Hawaii Bungalo, because we all know that Dana won’t rest until she has her toes in that white sand.  I swear the only person who wants to get into that house more than Dana is Kelsey, and he probably stands a better chance of spending the night.

Since we all know that most 5 year olds are going to end up wearing more of the birthday cake than eating it, I’m not sure I could justify spending $1000 on any baked good shaped like a Unicorn, but Taylor didn’t seem to mind.  I guess if your daughter thinks that Unicorns actually really live on rodeo ranches then you have bigger problems to deal with down the road.  But still.  And 200 guests?  How big is that pre-school?

Before all the Housewives can get to Mohamed’s House of Morocco, Kyle has to accompany her mother-in-law to Paul’s House of Face Lifts.  Taking a break from driving Adrienne to an early grave, Paul is performing surgery on Mauricio’s Mom, because it’s Beverly Hills and that’s what we do.

Kyle is not a big fan of surgery and is already a little queasy just from watching Paul doodle magic marker lines all over Mom’s face.  After dotting enough lines and arrows on her face to run Super Bowl plays, Paul takes Mom into surgery while the family waits outside, apparently oblivious to the fact that all of his surgical tools are on a Sears Craftsmen workbench.  He’s a real doctor, right?

Considering I won’t even go the dentist, I’m probably not the one to judge the skills of anyone in the medical profession, but I’m not sure that if I was lying on the table with my face pulled back over my hairline while a nurse applied suction, that I would want my doctor chatting up Mark Wahlberg on the phone.  Seems that one of the anesthesiologists claims he is Marky Mark’s doppleganger and Paul just happened to have The Funky Bunch on speed dial.

Sometimes it’s better to not even ask, and just move on.

After Mom’s surgery…minutes after it seems…Kyle and Mauricio go in to check on her progress.  Now I’m not sure what they expected 4 minutes after Paul put her face back together, but no wonder Kyle had a meltdown.  Poor Mom looked like Mr. Bill from the old SNL skits.  Except it was Mr. Bill with his head wrapped in that cheesecloth the Fromagerie guys use to drain mozzarella down in Little Italy.  And all Mom could muster was a shaky Fonzie thumbs up “aaaaaaay” over and over.

Needless to say, Kyle took off down the hall like the Cowardly Lion did that first time the scary Wizard Head yelled at him.  I’m rethinking my lip implants.

But the Mr. Bill face wasn’t as disturbing as the first, and only, scene so far this season with Russell.

We knew it had to happen sooner or later.  There really wasn’t any way to completely avoid the subject, and I’m sure that Bravo spent the last 8 episodes trying to figure out how long they could go and not drop him into a scene.  Hoping that viewers might just forget about him, they put it off as long as they could but tonight he returned.  And it was creepily like he was reaching out from the Other Side.

Kyle and Mauricio dropped by the Armstrong’s place for the most clumsy, hard to eat plate of food anyone has ever been served, but luckily no on had much of an appetite as it became very clear early on that Taylor and Russell were on the outs.  US Weekly had just hit the stands with an article that Taylor was separated, and Russell swore that it was Lisa who leaked the inaccurate story.

While Kyle and Mauricio had a little inappropriate dinner table canoodling, Taylor and Russell sat across from them like they had never met each other yet, and had never witnessed a couple in love.

Awkward ain’t the word.  It was either 30 seconds, or 60 minutes, of silent eye shifting and looking up and looking down and looking side ways that went on way too long.  If Bravo wanted to make Russell the Bad Guy for the upcoming rodeo, they did what they set out to do.  Even Kyle’s daughter in her mini Rachel Zoe fur vest couldn’t break that tension.

The rest of the episode shifted to fake Morocco and all that money can buy.

Pandora got both Lisa’s British accent and cleavage in the DNA chain as she and her mother prepared for the party.  The Vanderpumps were looking quite Vanderplump.

You’d think with all that boobage in his face 24/7 Ken would be in a better mood, but Lisa seems to have beat him down into submission after all these years.  Or maybe he misses his buddy Giggy, who was noticeably MIA for most of the episode.

Lisa had received a 10K diamond bracelet when she was preggo with Pandora, and recently had it rebuilt into a $68,000 heart shaped engagement necklace for Pandora.

Guess they don’t do Best Buy gift cards.

For a final slap in Ken’s face, she engraved the back of the heart with code for “Mommy loves you,” probably scratching out the “Daddy” part on her way back from the jewelers.

To get her back, Ken re-gifts a $21,700 watch that Lisa gave him and wraps it up for Jason.  Take that you wannabe Barbie.

If I was Jason I would have put that thing on ebay and ran as far away as possible, but for whatever reason he chose to stick around and go through with the party.

Maybe he knew there would be a camel there.

That’s right.  Mohamed had a big ol’ camel to greet the guests as they arrived.  And snake charmers.  And tents.  And exceptionally flexible dancers.  And every whacky thing that Morocco could offer a tourist.  Honestly, he and Lisa would have spent less money if they just shipped everyone overseas on a cargo boat, but it’s Beverly Hills.

And that’s what we do.

The party was so out of control that I almost gave myself a Henna tattoo while I was sitting on the couch just to feel like I was a part of the festivities.  But it wouldn’t have been as Gangstah as the air brushed ink that Adrienne got sprayed on her bicep in the lobby.

I know, right?  $10,000 worth of jewels on her gladiator dress chest plate, and a Krylon stencil on her arm.  She is a keeper.

Snuck in the middle of all this was our first glimpse of Kim’s secret lover whom she met while he was picking up his ammo catalogs or Sopranos Netflix DVD or something out of  his mail box.

The whole thing would have been more exciting if there hadn’t been a camel.

Sorry, Kim.  Camels are way cooler.