DanThat'sCool!

Happy New Year!

2011 was a hoot…but there’s a whole new year of crazy just around the corner.

Get ready for it.

OhMyGod, Babe.     I’m literally exhausted.

Babe? Babe?           Can you hear me? Anne Hathaway’s gown was epic.

Babe? OhMyGod.     I’m SuperPregnant.

OhMyGod.

If memory serves me, according to the latest Soap Opera Digest that I was reading over that woman’s shoulder while I was waiting in line at the grocery store, I thought that the soap opera  All My Children had been cancelled.  Didn’t ABC cut their losses and send everyone in Pine Valley packing to cable access or the internet or something?

I only ask because I swear I just watched an hour of Erica Kane in a Chanel blazer.

The third trimester of The Rachel Zoe Project is not only giving me some major (text it as “maj” if you’re a trendy hipster…) fashion tips, but also sympathy labor pains and a migraine.  If drama smells like new house paint and dry cleaner bags, then Rachel Zoe has been inhaling way too much of that stuff for a pregnant woman.

I literally would have been willing to go back in time to take over the birthing process for Rachel if it would have guaranteed that she stop talking about it for ten minutes, but that would have cut the latest episode down to about 9 minutes.

Now that she and Rodger with a D have moved into their monstrously oversized home, they are having trouble finding each other in the caverns.  Instead of GPS, they have chosen to just scream out “Babe? Babe?” as they search for human contact.  Right out of the gate there is drama as Rachel tries to squeeze her 10 pounds of baby stomach into a 3 pound sack of Gucci.  That’s not going to happen, so it’s taking the girl way to long to figure out what to wear.  OhMyGod she’s so tired.

Plus the New York Post has just smeared their gossipy Page Six with some juicy dirt about Rachel being at war with easily flustered, easily flushed former assistant Brad Goreski.  As anyone who can’t find the History Channel on their cable lineup knows, Brad cut the cord with the Rachel Zoe Megalopolous and went out on his own, scooping up Demi Moore and Rachel’s rolodex on the way out the door.

It’s been a pretty snarky break up, and the Post smelled that blood in the water as soon as it was spilled.

Plus, it’s Oscar Week.  Not the Sesame Street one where they throw that party every year around the trash can.  The other one, with the Red Carpet and Ryan Seacrest.

Both Oscar Weeks are quite festive and involve a lot of colorful fur and feathers, but the Red Carpet one is the version that Rachel literally dies for every year.  So being preggos on top of being nutzos is not helping her mood.

Sad Sack Jeremiah and Diva Joey have a quick little conversation about Rachel giving birth, and how the baby needs to see suede as it’s being born.  I got a little grossed out until I realized that they were only talking about Rachel wearing her thigh high boots in the delivery room.  I guess my OB/GYN imagination is a little over active.  My bad.

Both of the boys have been working overtime to get their hair and the house ready, as well as keeping Rachel from losing it, so..OhMyGod, they are so tired.

Since getting Anne Hathaway into 8 designer looks for one show is not enough work, Rachel has also taken on a styling photo shoot for retailer Lindex.  Driving to the shoot Rachel clutches her two phones like she is working the Wall Street trading floor on Black Monday and mentions that OhMyGod she is so tired.

I’m starting to sense a pattern in this episode.

After all the pre and post-drama surrounding the photo shoot, which basically consisted of putting a top with a bottom (ps…something that any GAP employee learns during their first week…) Rachel is even more OhMyGod tired and goes back to her cornfield maze of a home to chill out.  After another Susan Lucci entrance, she dramatically announces that she is literally going to shut down.  She needs to lock herself in her room if she can find it, to nap, regain her focus and remember what she loves about this job.

I’m thinking it’s probably got something to do with free designer clothing samples and lots of money.  And I didn’t even need a nap to figure it out.  So there.

For as long as I can remember, I have never been able to take a nap without kicking off all the covers or spitting out my junior high retainer, yet somehow Rachel manages a two hour nap without losing her stylish knit hat.  Seriously?  That’s almost a party trick.

As the Oscars approach, Rachel gets more stressed out and catches what appears to be the Worst Cold in the History of the World based on the theatrics involved.  Every cough could detach a lung, and every move she makes seems like a scene stolen from the final hour of Gone With The Wind.

Rodger is getting worried about Rachel.  He’s concerned that she is getting too tired, and that she is getting sicker.  I’d be a little more concerned that she is 8.9 months pregnant and still going up and down stairs in 6 inch Louboutins, but that’s just me.  If the baby’s ears are underdeveloped when he’s born it’s probably due to the thinner oxygen up at that level, like when you mountain climb and get nose bleeds.  Gucci makes sneakers, honey.

In what I believe was the longest advertisement ever for Apple’s FaceTime for Mac, Rodger gets sister Pam on the laptop and guilts her into coming back to LA to take care of Rachel.  It would have been a better commercial if they had used the button that lets you put funny hats on each other, or add cartoon bunnies in the background.  Maybe next time.

But nothing, not even scarlet fever or a miscarriage will keep Rachel from the Oscars.  It’s going to be historic.  I guess because Anne is wearing a lot of dresses, if that can be considered historic.  It is the defining moment in Rachel’s career.

Too bad that Gucci didn’t make Time Machines, then Rachel could have blasted into the future, found out what a hot mess that whole Anne Hathaway/James Franco Oscar co-hosting thing turned out to be, and saved herself all that stress.  Fashion has progressed, but alas…not science.

When Oscar Day finally rolls around, Rachel takes her 8 dresses and 102 degree temperature to the Kodak Theater and gets Anne ready for her close up.  It’s gonna be maj.  Joey almost needed shock treatment to bring him back after he got a sneak peek at the dresses.  They were epic.  If Bravo can only put one episode of The Rachel Zoe Project in a time capsule and bury it, let’s hope they use this one because the only catch phrase missing from the show was Ba-na-nas.  Every other Rachelism was right there in your face.  I was literally gagging.  Literally.

While she is off infecting all the Kodak ushers, Rodger tries to get some down time by the pool to work on his Farmer’s tan.  If you’re going to keep your shirt on, and then apply suntan lotion from your elbow to your knuckles…why don’t you just stay inside, dude?

Team Rachel all starts straggling in to watch the telecast.  Joey and Rodger are apparently having some kind of a scarf duel showdown, because they were both wrapped up like those Dickens Christmas Carolers they sell at the Mall.  With all Rachel’s money, I guess they forgot to pay the heating bill because Rodger also needed to accessorize his outfit with a winter beanie.  Or maybe he just has a low body temperature.

Joey kept his Stevie Wonder sunglasses on the entire time, so he could gaze condescendingly over the tops like a librarian while Jeremiah stood around and did his usual wet chihuahua shiver.

Once Rachel got back to the house, they needed to order take out even though she could have just picked it up on her way home if you ask me.  Naturally Jeremiah got picked to go get the grub, since he was closest to the front door.  And he’s Rachel’s bitch.  The poor guy is starting to figure out that Joey is connected to Rachel with a shorter cord than her unborn baby.  She’ll probably only snip one on delivery day.

Even though the restaurant was only at the bottom of the hill, Jeremiah missed the entire Red Carpet Pre-Show.  Luckily E! runs it non stop for the next month, and Joan Rivers will cuss her way through the good and bad parts the day after, but it’s the principle of the thing.  I hope someone on the Bravo crew gives Jeremiah a hug after the taping wraps everyday, because he always looks so sad.  Like the last puppy at the store.

So Anne looked a-ma-zing.  It was a milestone.  It was epic.  Jeremiah’s hair stood straight up.  All the usual.

And she’s still pregnant.

You sure this isn’t All My Children?

ohmygod.

ohmygod.

ohmygod.

Did you see where there is a new remake of Charlie’s Angels out on TV right now?  Same storyline, kinda sorta, with fancier people and fancier clothes.  If they can mess with one television classic, they should totally mangle a second one and remake The Jeffersons.

You remember the show.  The one about the crazy couple with a whacky maid and odd ball friends who have a seemingly unending wad of cash in the back room and always found themselves in drama filled predicaments?  They should totally remake that show and…

Oh.  Never mind.  Someone already did.  It’s called The Rachel Zoe Project. 

Now if you are too young to remember The Jeffersons…One…you should be doing your homework and not online anyway.  And Two…thanks for clicking on my site, but you can run along now.

For the rest of you, think about it.  You tell me that Bravo TV didn’t just clone The Jeffersons in some petri dish in the same lab that they keep growing Real Housewives.

Rachel is Weezy, the frazzled wife whose husband makes her bonkers.  Rodger with a D is George Jefferson, the bumbling husband who is always underfoot but was rarely actually seen working.  Joey is Florence the sassy Maid, all full of snaps and divaliciousness, who loved to point out people’s flaws.  And then there was that bug eyed British guy Bentley who was always around bumping into things and getting the door slammed in his face, and eventually written out of the series.  Sound familiar, Jeremiah?  And the dry cleaner store that George owned was packed full of clothes in plastic garment bags on miles of rolling racks.  And we even got to see The Jeffersons Movin’ on Up to the East Side, just like Rachel and Rodger did this week.

I’m not making this up.  Find the VHS tapes at some flea market while you’re out leaf peeping this Fall.  It’s the same show.

Ban-na-nas.

So this week Rachel finally agreed to unlock Rodgers ankle monitor and allow him go to Las Vegas with his Boys, since he felt that it was the last chance he would ever have at true happiness once Rachel gives birth to the Chosen One.  Apparently never having held a baby, known people with actual babies or even having seen a real live one before, Rodger is under the assumption that his life is ending as soon a Rachel’s sparkling water breaks.  Since it is Superbowl Weekend, the National Holiday of Real Men, Rodger suddenly gets the mid-life crisis need to get his macho on and do the Vegas thing one more time.

After one last drama filled back flop onto the bed, Rachel lets him leave for a whole 24 hours.  Count ‘em.  You can test drive a car longer than Rodger is allowed out of her radar.

The benefit to Rachel with this Vegas trip, aside from the implied don’t return if you’re not bearing gifts, is that she gets a sleep over with her faaaaaaabulous Hair Diva BFF Joey, complete with Orville Redenbacher and the bonus disc Twilight blu ray set.

O.  M.  G.  I died a little.

Nothing says Girl’s Night In like learning how to use the microwave and watching Joey spread his legs like a showgirl on the kitchen counter.  You might want to hose that down before you cut your veggies next time, Rachel.  Didn’t need to see that.

Rodger’s trip to Vegas was a cross between The Hangover, Jersey Shore and a Palms casino travel brochure.  After about 27 exterior shots of the hotel…ok, we get it…The Palms.  Fancy, and they comped your trip…we got to see Rodger and his Boys eat, drink, try to out gross each other with child birth visuals, look at stripper tail and gamble.  That and a Jersey “Whaddup…?” every time one of the Boys entered the room.

Get as beefy as you want, dude.  You still have hat hair and wear too many scarves.

The next morning, after some eggs and more “Whaddups…?” the guys all watch the game.  Rodger checks in with his parole officer, but she is busy shopping with Joey.  Like any housewife without a Craft Room in the basement, Rachel goes to the Mall on Superbowl Sunday.  That’s just how it’s done, America.

Since Rodger is still groggy from doing loads of things he can’t remember doing, he sends the hotel concierge off to pick up a little designer sumthin sumthin to present to the Queen as a token of gratitude for his 24 hour release.  Did anyone else notice that even though Rodger was completely Rush Week Wasted and probably slept upside down on the bed with one shoe on, his hair didn’t look any different than it does any other day?

Seriously.  He could have just wrapped another Burberry around his neck, grabbed his keys and gone out the door to Fashion Week.  How does he get his hair to do that?  I’m totally googling it after I finish writing this riveting synopsis.

Superbowl ad revenue almost lost its first place standing dollar for dollar compared to what Rachel and Joey dumped at the vintage store during the game.  Hopefully they saved enough money to pick up an inhaler or two at CVS on the way home, because they could barely breath when they started showing off their purchases to Mandana Madonna Mandingo or whatever her name is this week.  Everyone pronounces it differently, so I give up.  Regardless, they all went up an octave during the unbagging ceremony, and probably all went out for a smoke after it was over, if you know what I mean.

Jeremiah was on non-blinking, face rubbing over load as he tried to complete the designing, purchasing and delivery of all the furniture and chotskies for Rachel’s new home.  She gave him a whopping whole day to do it all, so I don’t know why he was stressing out so much.  Decked out in a snappy Indiana Jones meets 1920s Newspaper Editor hat, Jeremiah spiked his blood pressure for the entire episode looking for merch, scheduling shipping that was guaranteed to be late and generally getting bad skin.  He truly is Brad 2.0 straight off the factory assembly line.

Now I don’t know where Jeremiah was shopping, or if maybe Rachel Zoe’s name carries more clout than mine does, but somehow dude walked into every store and got overnight delivery on even the most elaborate custom made leather items.  Excuse me, but when I went to my local Design Within Reach they told me that I would have to wait a week just for the catalog to be reprinted and delivered to the store, yet somehow Jeremiah hyperventilated his way into delivery by 5pm.  I knew I should have started having a camera crew follow me everywhere I go, but my friends said it would be to self indulgent.

Before Jeremiah blacked out we got to see one little snippet of a scene with Rachel taping a lipstick endorsement infomercial.  It would be pretty insignificant except for the classic Rodger line stating that Rachel is super pregnant (as opposed to regular pregnant like the rest of the world…) and that she shouldn’t be working that hard today.  Then we see Rachel sitting in a chair trying to spit out her memorized lines.

Yeah, you might want to take it easy Rachel.  Sitting in a chair, trying to speak and having someone apply lipstick to your mouth must be wearing on you.  If you can shop all Superbowl Sunday, I’m thinking you can suck up another 30 minutes on that comfy chair.

The Jeffersons…I mean the Zoes…finished off the episode by going into hiding at a hotel while the rest of Team Zoe busted their backs getting the new house ready.  (Newsflash: Lincoln freed the slaves.)  They lounged around flaunting their Apple products and calling designer Michael Kors, who put a cryptic Gay Uncle Voodoo Curse on her unborn child and pretty much willed the baby into not liking girls.

Since Jeremiah apparently used the same guy who runs the 7-11 Convenience Store to deliver Rachel’s furniture, it took a few cell calls to get the truck to show up.  The delivery was late, Jeremiah’s ears got red and he yanked his hair a lot.  I’m starting to sense a pattern in his behavior.

Hope they at least got free Slushies for the inconvenience.

Joey floated by in his Glinda bubble to harass Jeremiah before the trucks came, sucking on his empty Starbucks straw like that mean kid chewing his Juice Box on the playground.  He does love to spook Jeremiah.  It’s not much of a challenge, but it still looks fun.  Indiana Jones was short handed, and no one was helping him prep for the deliveries.  I guess the 17 Bravo camera men must have bad backs.

Through the magic of TV and Ty Pennington, the trucks showed up, the mansion was decorated and George and Wheezy loooooooved the results.

Movin’ on Up is the way to go.