DanThat'sCool!

 

I’m just here for the snacks and the Kelsey Bashing.

 

 

 

 

I’ve lost all respect for Adrienne…and Mexican food.

 

 

 

If this was Jersey I would smack you upside the head, bitch.

 

 

 

This is Beverly Hills, bitch.  Have your assistant smack her.

 

 

 

 

Best.  Job.  Ever. Take that, Seacrest.

 

 

 

Check your mailbox.

You should have already received your invitation to the super über extended version of The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Reunion Show.

Stuck in between the Neiman’s catalog, your Restylane auto delivery shipment and the bill for your new Louboutins should be an embossed Bravo invite for three solid weeks of excessively dramatic excess.

High style and high tension, with perfumed air so thick that you could blot up the nervous flop sweat with $100 bills.  The only problem was that the invite didn’t clarify whether we should wear blinged out $25,000 sunglasses or protective eyewear from Home Depot for the inevitable cat fight throw downs.

The Wives were back together, with one noticeably missing piece of the Crazy Puzzle, to relive every moment of the past season.

Right as we started, something was missing.

As Andy Cohen smirked and shifted around in that grade school boy who just saw his first boobie kind of way that makes him so endearing, you knew something was up.

To his left Kyle, Taylor and Adrienne were seated like Beverly Hills royalty, all futzing with their hair and trying to figure out how to daintily cross their legs while pivoting on those ridiculously gravity defying stilettos they always wear.

To his right were Lisa and Camille…and a big pile of pillows.

In all honesty, it took me about 3 minutes into the show before I realized that the pillows were actually pillows, and not Kim slumped all over the sofa.  Even though every media outlet aside from Animal Planet had already reported that Kim had checked herself into an Alcohol and Drug Addiction Recovery Center days before the taping, I forgot for a minute and and wondered why her dress had such enormous tassels.

Then I realized they were pillows and it all made more sense.

I guess Andy knew they were pillows before I did, because right out of the gate Reality Boy asked Kyle how Kim was doing and if she would mind giving both the chemical makeup and street value of the substance that had spiraled her sister into rehab.

Needless to say, that led to the evening’s first uncomfortably awkward span of dead air.

So long and awkward that I half expected the production booth to pipe in elevator muzac just to break the tension as Andy’s eyes darted around like the guy who sits in that really tall chair at Wimbledon.

Kyle tossed it to Kim, who would have to get back to Andy on that one.

Obviously Andy had a load of questions for the Wives.  The three week time frame was a pretty good clue, as was the stack of flashcards in his lap.  Since I figured he was not studying up for his mid terms, through the process of elimination I guessed that we were all in it for the long haul.

Like any good bartender, Andy served the lite beer first before hitting us hard with shots of tough love.

Adrienne, decked out in what I believe was either a one sleeved SuperHero costume or the dress the girl with the baton always wears at the start of the parade route, got to relive her classic Soap the Chicken scene.

I said Soap.  Not Choke.  This is a family site, thank you.  Dysfunctional family…but family.  Get your mind out of the gutter.

Somehow that seamlessly transitioned into a discussion on Lisa’s big butt and whether she had work done on it, or simply wore her dresses way too tight.

Voting is still open on that one.

Lisa also had to justify spending less than one million dollars…but more than $500 and less than $500,00 and probably more than $7124…gah…just spit it out, woman…on daughter Pandora’s over the top Pink Barbie Princess wedding.  She tried to peg most of the excess on Sweet & Sour Wedding Planner Kevin Lee, who we got to see in some kind of a John Travolta flashback/dream sequence as Kevin strutted down the walkway looking like the fiercest  Tony Manero evah picking up his dry cleaning during the Saturday Night Fever opening credits.

Bling Bling Bling Bling Bling, Dahling.

Then Andy finally started getting to the good stuff and asked about tension between former next door neighbors Lisa and Adrienne.  That’s more like it, dude.

Before our eyes the two Wives morphed into Mean Girls in the cafetorium and went off on each other about how Lisa called Adrienne’s dog Jackpot ”Crackpot.”  On Twitter even.  Bitch.

And Adrienne was hurt that Lisa didn’t want the Bachelorette Party to be held at her Palms Casino.  And Adrienne was hurt that Lisa called her new shoe line The Maloof Hoof.  And…And…

Camille spoke up and agreed that it was a little mean to call Adrienne’s feet hooves, and Lisa point/counter pointed that she liked the shoes.  The little fat shoes.

Then Adrienne made that sound that a balloon makes when the very last squirt of air comes out before it goes totally limp.

Honestly, if Adrienne could actually walk in those things you know she would have jumped to the other couch and stuck a hoof spike into Lisa’s overly lined eyeball.  (Lined in white, on the inner bottom rim.  That makes your eyes look whiter.  Duh.  The More You Know.  Knowledge is Power, kids.)

As long as they were Lisa bashing, they all gave their thoughts on Kyle’s “Lisa preys on the weak” comment, which had been originally spoken in an attempt to cheer up Taylor and hopefully pull her in off the ledge during one of her many meltdowns.  Lisa didn’t appreciate that at all.

And I know that Taylor has gone through a horrible, emotionally devastating time that I wouldn’t wish on anyone…but I think her lips were on upside down the whole time.

Andy fidgeted more than normal, fumbled through his rolodex for an easy one and then changed the subject to Beverly Hills Bling to break the tension.

As I rolled quarters to pay next month’s rent, I got to hear about Adrienne’s $100,000 home spa, Lisa’s Valentino dress that cost more than all those vaccines Sally Struthers used to cry about, and Label Whore Dana’s $25,000 sunglasses.

Yeah.  Those again.

Kyle thought it was ridiculous, but I didn’t see any H&M tag hanging off her gown either, if you know what I mean.

Then it was back to heavy hitters as Andy finally brought up the suicide of Russell Armstrong and how it has effected everyone.

Taylor held it together pretty well, I gotta admit.  You go, girl.  Stronger and stronger.

She talked about how handy it is to have her shrink, Dr. “No Sock” Sophy on speed dial, and how they speak every day and…yes…he is a real doctor even though he got his degree at a different kind of place and has a different kind of title on his name tag and doesn’t wear socks that much.  But whatever works.  Not everyone can ride Oprah’s coat tail to Dr. Stardom.

Camille admitted that she didn’t feel the show should have aired this season which probably made Andy do a thick, nervous swallow.  But it did.

And Watch What Happens Live is now 5 days a week.

So there, haters.

They all got into a pretty heavy discussion on how the show may have actually saved Taylor’s life, and by doing so didn’t paint a very nice picture of Russell.  It did give Camille a chance to slam Kelsey Grammer a little, which is obviously something on her daily to-do list.  Blondie don’t take crap anymore…but she can still dish it out.  I love her.

The whole British Tea Party from Hell mess came front and center again, and Camille defended her decision to say “IT,” which had resulted in Russell’s retina burning texts and law suit threatening email.  There was still some confusion as to whether Taylor really knew about the email before it happened, and both Adrienne and Camille blurted out that Brandi had told them that Taylor said she was in the loop.

During the heated debate, Brandi was still out in the Green Room squishing her boobs into another signature strapless, so she wasn’t there to defend herself one way or the other.  That’ll be fun next week.

Just to make sure all the pigs were rolling in the mud as the first hour finished up, Andy switched gears and put Lisa and Adrienne in the ring again by unleashing the Lisa vs. Bernie the Chef controversy.

Seems Lisa may have said some not so nice things about Bernie and his dry Mexican food.  I guess Lisa felt it was too ethnic for whatever reason if that even makes any sense, and she had gone and allegedly told someone.

Her Spanish housekeeper, maybe?

Or the Colombian crew that does her landscaping?

Lisa claims all she did was comment that there was no food by the time she got to Adrienne’s and that is what she said.

Ok.  If you live ACROSS the street from Adrienne, and still can’t get your lazy, bigger than last year butt over there in time for dinner before the food is all gone….I mean…seriously.  Is it just me?  How does that even happen?  If people are blogging that your butt looks bigger than it did last season than it probably wouldn’t kill you to skip a meal anyway.

Sometimes I just don’t get rich people.  They be crazy.

Then the whole thing just fell apart as the argument spun off course from Bernie’s illegal immigrant burritos to Lisa getting paid to gossip.

Adrienne didn’t believe that Lisa had never sold a story to the tabloids, which was one of Russell’s biggest issues with Mrs. Vanderpump all along this season.  Radar Online got a lot of press, good/bad/or otherwise, as Adrienne accused Lisa of making a profit off leaking info to their reporters, to which she obviously denied doing while nervously flipping her bangs.

Camille chimed in that she was also told Lisa did that kind of shady stuff, and probably would have snarked on Kelsey again if Lisa hadn’t flipped out and called it character assassination and some other stuff that got (bleeped) out.

Housewives….meet Mob Wives.  (Bleep) is still (bleep) even if you’re wearing (bleepin’) Valentino.

Lisa lost respect for Adrienne for saying that, Adrienne gave a half hearted apology and I think Andy may or may not have had a little nervous pee.

As bait to reel us all back in next time, Brandi came out just long enough to diss Eddie Cibrian.  I believe that her contract specifically states that she gets one jab for every two that Camille gets in on Kelsey.  Have someone from Legal check my facts.

As soon as Brandi sat down, Kyle’s back fur stood up like an alley cat that just sniffed some low class behind the dumpster, but we’re going to have to wait until next time to see what happens.

The love fest ended with Kyle sneering at Brandi, Adrienne and Lisa grinding their teeth and Camille wondering how much she could get if she puts another house on the market when Kelsey isn’t looking, all while Andy just sat there oozing that delightfully effervescent mix of boyish charm and gossipy nail tech.

Girrrllll….it’s getting good.  I need me some snacks before it hits the fan.

See you at Part 2.

 

 

Mummy? You know it’s supposed to be all about me, right?

 

 

 

I can’t believe she blocked all the exits. I’m trapped.

 

 

 

Suck it in. You’ve got a Vanderpump Rump back here.

 

 

 

You know, I was on The Apprentice. NeNe’s a bitch.

 

 

 

 

Um…yeah. I’m pretty sure LaToya wasn’t even invited.

 

 

Let me tell you, Dahling.

If Barbie was British..and Ken was straight…this is the dream wedding they would have had.

After a season of drama, tragedy, excessive excess, redoinkulously high heels and then even more drama, The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills got a break from all that nonsense to celebrate The Real Wedding of Beverly Hills in style.

Lisa Vanderpump saved the best for last as she not only found the money for an over the top yet intimate (?) wedding, but also found a way to make it be all about her instead of daughter Pandora and her squeaky clean fiancé Jason.

All the other Housewives had to step aside or be trampled by the Wedding Express this week as Lisa demonstrated her need for both perfection and lots of pink stuff.

Lots of it.

After months of prep work by Moo Goo Gay Wedding Planner To The Fabulish Kevin Lee, the tennis courts at Villa de Vanderpump were finally converted into Pandora’s Wedding Wonderland, complete with enough flowers to replant most of the barren Rain Forest and a tent big enough to house that new Cirque du Soleil musical show about Michael Jackson.

As a matter of fact, I would not be the least bit surprised if somewhere right outside the Beverly Hills city limits there is a clown on a unicycle crying confetti tears over his missing home.

Lisa gets what Lisa wants when Lisa wants it.  Learn it.  Live it.

Since Lisa can buy anything she wants except that machine on General Hospital that made it snow in Port Charles back in the Luke & Laura days (..what was that all about, anyway?…) it is already sticky hot as the tent is being set up on the courts.  She is stressing about the heat and the schedule, because the day has to be perfect…for Pandora, of course.

Lisa is also not pleased that Foo Fun Guy Kevin is MIA, as he had booked another event beyond the Vanderpump orbit and is nowhere to be found.  His assistant seems entirely responsible and capable of unpacking candle votives herself, but Lisa would prefer Kevin and his jazz hands be on the premises 24/7 before the Big Event.

While Lisa and Pandora were neck deep in pink, we got an odd little break from the preparations to accompany Adrienne and Paul to his colonoscopy.

Good to know that he’ll be clean as a whistle at the wedding, but otherwise it was something I could have lived without, thank you.  A couple of Louboutoots later and even Adrienne had to walk away.

Back at Vanderville, Lisa is hard at work creating the floral arrangements for the entryway.  I have a front door that opens up into my apartment bedroom door.

Lisa has an entryway.

I want an entryway.

Husband/Dogwalker Ken came home for no apparent reason, considering that Lisa would not allow him to touch anything…herself included.  After a few minutes of juggling Wonder Dog Giggy, Ken headed back out to wherever it is that he goes when he heads out every day.  I personally think that he just drives around the neighborhood until Lisa leaves for Villa Blanca and then he sneaks back in, but I don’t really have any proof to substantiate my claims.

Since most of this episode could have been pulled from any random cable DIY show, there was a lot of cake decorating and flower arranging, and even some cake/floral combo projects.

For a mere $9,500 Lisa had a caravan of cake handlers bring in the wedding centerpiece.  Piece by piece.  Even Ken came back after driving around the neighborhood to try and help carry in the little top piece of the cake before Lisa made him put it down and go pick up Giggy.

Twenty four dozen roses later and the cake was complete.  No Sarah Lee frozen confection for the Vanderpumps, no siree bob.  Nothing says money like picking thorns out of your icing.

Somewhere along the line a Bravo TV exec must have realized that they had forgotten to show any other Housewives, because all of the sudden we got to sit through Camille putting on her face for the wedding.

Riveting television.  Right up there with the Berlin Wall.

She and her BFF Elizabeth were getting in an impromptu fashion show and some Kelsey bashing before heading out for Pandora’s Big Day.

I love Camille.  She can turn a conversation about the price of asparagus into an opportunity to bitch about Kelsey and how he boned her after all those years of marriage.  She can flip a zinger in his face without batting a fake eyelash.  She is the Queen of Snarky.  Bow to her awesomeness.

But let’s get real.  As fulfilling as the verbal barbs are, nothing sticks it to a middle aged actor with thinning hair more than his ex dating a Greek Stallion named Demitri.

Opa!

That’s right.  Camille is dating again.  And he’s hot.  So take that, Frasier.

Then it was Kyle’s turn to primp and decide what to wear.

Just to rub it in my face, half of her designer dresses still had the tags attached.  That’s when you know you have too much money.

I want an entryway.  And tags on my clothes.

Mauricio tried to coast on his Mexican good looks and not get spanked for forgetting to rent a black tuxedo.  He figured that it wouldn’t be a really big deal considering that he has 14 black designer suits and Mexican good looks.  Kyle was getting aggravated because this is Beverly Hills, Dahling.

That’s right it is.

Just ask Kevin Lee, who finally decided to grace the Vanderpumps with his Fabulosity.

Newsflash:  Two hours before your daughter is to be married is probably not the time to worry about how much money you spent, or if the event is too over the top.  And Kevin Lee is definitely not the person to voice your concerns to, since there is no such thing as too over the top in KevinLand.

After stopping the DVR a few times to try and figure out exactly what is going on with his hair, I just took it all in as Kevin motioned and posed and pointed around the tent like he was doing an interpretive dance number.

Raise your Sparkle Fingers.

Bling Bling Bling Bling Bling Shi Shi Shi, Dahling.

And I quote.

Kevin must have also chosen the Mission:Impossible intro muzac that Bravo pumped in whenever the scenes cut back to Lisa’s house. That and what sounded a lot like the theme from Dynasty.

But it’s all good, because it’s…well..you know…Dahling.

It was getting close to show time as Lisa and Pandora and a few stray nameless girls with British accents gathered in their pink robes for hair & makeup.

Somehow Lisa tracked down the Makeup Triplets, who must have been on Craigslist or something, because I wouldn’t even know where to start if someone was looking for triplets who can do airbrush foundations.  Seriously.  No clue.

Poor second tier son Max made another appearance, with his back pack and mini mohawk.  He didn’t get much face time this season which is probably good for everyone involved.  Nice enough kid, but he always looks so out of place.  Like he and his punk rock garage band were searching for a Beverly Hills Mosh Pit or something and took a wrong turn into Lisa’s backyard.

Lisa always greets him with that “I love you but you’re not my favorite” kind of air kiss and then picks on his clothes or his hair or both.  I bet even Giggy tries to pee on his Doc Martens, poor guy.

Lisa and Ken were more concerned about which outfit their sissy dog was going to wear than where their son had been for two months.

Since it was a black tie event and Mauricio was already going to screw it up with his Navy/Or is it Black $4000 suit, Ken had to make sure that Giggy was stylin’.  A pink onesie definitely wouldn’t cut it tonight.

Lisa claimed that Pandora desperately wanted her mother to wear a tiara, which no one seemed to argue against for even one second before Lisa plopped it on her head.

Move over Kate Middleton.

Even the housekeeper got the night off, though she did show up in flats much to Lisa’s disdain.  I kind of expected Lisa to bend down and make Rosia squirt a little Windex on that tiara before the music started, but she refrained much to my surprise.

Finally Pandora got it together and came down the stairs to get the party started.

Or at least she tried.

Remember that classic Carol Burnett sketch when she came down the stairs as Scarlett O’Hara?  With the curtain rod still in her dress?

Yeah.  Just turn everything pink.

Apparently Pandy never tried walking in that thing first, because I thought Rosia was going to need a broom to sweep up the mess at the bottom when she tumbled down the stairs.  I guess when you have to choose between pretty and graceful, most people choose pretty.

Good thing Rosia had on flats.  Just in case.

As Jason stood nervously at the end of the tennis courts, Pandora and Ken wobbled down the aisle.  I swear Jason is that J.Crew model who is always paddling a canoe, but again I don’t have any proof to substantiate my claims.  But I still swear it’s him.

Busted, dude.

In an uncomfortable piece of editing, the priest officiating the ceremony had his face blurred out like the perps on Dateline.  I’m sure there was another reason for it, but anytime you fuzz out someone’s face I always think of COPS.

Bad boys, bad boys, whatcha gonna do?

He busted through the ceremony pretty quickly.  I’m thinking he must have been in a hurry, but I couldn’t tell if he was looking at his watch or not because of the whole face blur thing.

Adrienne and Paul spent the night on the dance floor parquet cutting a rug, celebrating his colonoscopy I assume.  At least I think it was Paul, because it kind of looked like the Brawny paper towel guy with the suspenders.  Whoever it was….he be jammin’.

Now I’ll give Bravo some credit.  They had to make an entire season out of a story where everyone already knew the ending.

From the first episode when everyone thought there would be cardboard cut outs of Russell Armstrong to the end when they finally kinda sorta tried to deal with the subject, it was just a little strange.  Everybody knows what happened.

So the final scene with all the Housewives getting together for snacks, minus Kim…because we also know what’s happening with her, thank you TMZ…was a little surreal.

Taylor was back.  Even though she didn’t really go anywhere in TV time.  But in real time she did.  Everyone just kind of sat around waiting for someone else to tell them what to do or say.

But luckily Lisa was there to direct the attention back to Lisa.  We had wedding pictures and hair flicking and a little bonding time.

And they looked fabulous.

And that’s really all that matters.

Because…say it with me…it’s Beverly Hills, Dahling.

See you at the Reunion.

 

 

I could totally drive myself NutWad crazy right now.

 

 

 

 

I could totally drive you into that pole right now.

 

 

 

 

I could totally be the next Real Housewife too, you know.

 

 

 

 

Mommy could totally get used to sitting in laps too, Giggy.

 

 

I don’t remember Oscar the Grouch having a trash can on Rodeo Drive.

Yup.  It was Girls Gone Wild meets Sesame Street.

And this week’s episode of The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills was brought to you by the letter “B.”

“B” as in Beverly Hills.  And Book deals.  And Boy Booty.  And Bonkers.  And Bickering.  And BFFs.  And Bawdy Bachelorettes.  And Brandi being Brandi.  And a few Breakdowns thrown in just Because.

Money may allow you to stop the facial aging process, but it apparently doesn’t stop you from getting a major case of the hornies as witnessed by two carloads of Housewives let loose in Las Vegas.  It was enough to send even Giggy running in hyper circles.

Fresh off her epic meltdown at Brandi’s party last week, Taylor met up with her new BFF Lisa to fill her in on any details that Lisa hadn’t already snooped out on her own.

Though Lisa has previously turned TaylorBashing into a hobby and on numerous occasions has gone on public record stating that they are not really friends, the combination of strong British tea and peer pressure seems to have brought her back around to Team Taylor.  That and the potential to come out of the whole mess looking like a Hero as she tries to save Taylor from herself.

And the gossip potential probably doesn’t hurt either.

Between appetizer nibbles and way too many of her signature hair bang tugs, Lisa let’s us all know that Taylor is crying for help and that she should be there for her.

We also learn that Lisa has had such a long day, and it’s only lunchtime.  It’s not an easy life she leads.

Meanwhile, Camille and her BFF DD are also suffering through a long day of choosing which wine to drink when Brandi comes over to rehash the Malibu Beach party from Hell.  DD, who was the catalyst for the entire Camille vs. Taylor drama at the beach house, is both desperately trying to protect Camille and get her own face on the Bravo Housewife Bio page if it kills her, all at the same time.

You know that Miss DD is looking at Brandi and that label whore Dana and wondering what those beeotches got that she ain’t got.  Sometime’s life is so unfair.

The fallout from the beach house drama, which was fallout from the previous Tea Party drama when Camille said IT, has really broken up the BH girl group and nobody knows what to do next.  Even though Camille was only repeating allegations of abuse that Taylor herself had told the girls, somehow hearing it spoken out loud as caused Taylor to pop a nutty that will not go away.  Camille, DD and Brandi were understandably shocked by Taylor’s glassy eyed HyperSpaz that night.

I was more shocked that the three of them were together in one room and not once did they slam Kelsey Grammer or LeAnn Rimes.  They must have been off their game this week.  You’ve got a week to sharpen your claws, girls.  Let’s go.

For comic relief you can always count on The Bickersons.

Adrienne and Paul were running late for their appearance on the afternoon talk show The Doctors, where they were thankfully going to be talking about how they stay healthy on a busy schedule as opposed to their time management skills.

Adrienne, as always, was being pushed one step closer to spousal homicide as Paul does everything but poke her with a stick to get her going.  Not only does he question her choice of belts, but he tries to stuff his hospital scrubs into the same bag with her boxing gloves which…well, you just don’t do that, Paul.  You just don’t.

When even the dog looks up at the camera and rolls his eyes, then you know it’s going to be classic Bickersons.

After unleashing everything but a Whoopie Cushion on his wife, they head to the car where Adrienne continues her frustrated head shaking, Paul’s stomach growls and they bust out some stellar Point/CounterPoint.

Paul wants Adrienne to make him breakfast in the morning but since she can’t find the kitchen, much less toast a Pop-Tart (…that’s Bernie’s job, the world’s crankiest in-house chef…) Paul doesn’t stand a chance of ever seeing that one happen.  Adrienne counterpoints with Paul riding too closely to the car in front.  He comes back with something witty and Adrienne contemplates jumping out at the light.

Paul then contemplates pushing her out, but somehow they both make it to the studio in one piece for the taping.

They are the Ultimate Power (Struggle) Couple.

While Adrienne and Paul are kicking each other under the table on national television, Kyle is picking out chandeliers for her White Party hosting event.  For the first time this season, Faye Resnick makes a cameo where there is no food involved, and milks her 15 minutes of OJ Simpson fame into a day at the lamp store.  She probably should have worn those infamous If They Don’t Fit gloves for a tighter grip, because she managed to drop a $750 chandelier that had to be put on Kyle’s credit card.  I think Faye was surprised when it happened, but with all that Botox it was kind of hard to tell what her face was doing.

But even harder to figure out than Faye’s face, was Giggy’s wild circle dance on the couch at the Bridal Dress Showroom.

Seriously.  Google it.  It’s the best 5 seconds of video ever filmed on Bravo.  I think it just knocked Teresa’s table flip to the #2 spot.

Dressed in his signature light blue onesie, Giggy was front and center for the bridal fashion show and was his usual sluggish, pick me up so I don’t ever have to walk, little self.  Until all of the sudden, in some kind of sugar induced burst of energy, he went totally Taylor spaz on the couch.  He sat down in a weird half monkey, half dog kind of way.  Then he ran in a circle.  Then he laid back down.  Then he ran in another circle.  It was like he had just discovered his own feet for the first time after being held for so many years.  It was like he was…I don’t know…a real dog for once.

What are these four things?  What’s That?  What’s That?  Gotta Pee.

The whole thing was absolutely irrelevant to anything going on this week, but it made me smile and is totally my new screen saver.

Later on, Kyle had a photo shoot for her new book cover.  That explains the “Book” part of the episode title.  You didn’t miss much, though her dog and kid are really cute, and there was a lot of cheese.

Then it was Dueling Girls Gone Wild.

Adrienne, after getting dissed by Lisa as the host site for Pandora’s Bachelorette Party, had gone ahead and invited Camille, Brandi, DD and label whore Dana to Las Vegas…on the same weekend that Lisa, Bachelorette Pandora, new BFF Taylor and a gaggle of overly entitled twenty something girls are in town at Planet Hollywood.  Kim was also supposed to join Adrienne, but she pulled another excuse out of her Endless Excuse Hat and bailed on them again.

Adrienne vs. Lisa.

Sheriff Vanderpump, this town ain’t big enuff for both of us.

Since Giggy was back in Beverly Hills, this was the first time that Lisa’s lap had been exposed to the elements in years, and both she and her lap were going to make up for lost time.  As soon as she crab crawled out of the limo and into the Party Suite, Lisa was on full blown Cougar mode with Taylor not far behind.

It was also Taylor’s 40th birthday, and with Russell miles away she could actually practice using her happy face, something that no one had seen for a long time.

Down the Strip, Adrienne and her posse were getting ready to hit the clubs and shake what their mommas gave them, after a little bowling in their own Party Suite.  Dana arrived in style, of course, with a 125K diamond lollipop holder that she immediately rubbed in everyone’s face.  Someone needs to just slap her.  Just once.

Seeing Camille toss a bowling ball in spikes made for some good TV, and in her head I bet she was probably picturing Kelsey’s severed junk rolling down the lane.

Brandi was still rocking that one big Wookie foot, so her ball technique was a little off.  Once she gets that boot removed I have no doubt she will beat all the other women down at the Elks Lodge Bowling Night.

Across the street, the Cougars were headed to Chippendales for some naughty bits.  Lisa did her best prim & proper Brit Girl routine for a full 2 minutes or so before she started looking for dollar bills to put between her teeth.  Taylor’s mouth was opened up so wide that I thought she would dislocate her jaw before the second Act.

By the time that Pandora, Lisa and Taylor were pulled on stage and given the opportunity to give lap dances to three of the Chips there was no turning back.  Lisa went down like she was on a backyard Slip & Slide while Taylor just got performance anxiety and sat in her dude’s lap.  And crossed her legs, of course.  She’s a lady.

As Lisa was sliding down her fireman’s pole, Adrienne and The HornDogs were hitting the dance floor.  Camille called it just enjoying being a woman, which I think is code for Frat House soft porn as she and Brandi got to know each other a little better.  Bump & Grind, sistahs.

Since we couldn’t end on a happy note, back home Kyle takes mother-in-law Estella and her new face, to the mall to buy an outfit for the White Party, where she runs into Kim.

Long story short, Kim breaks down in the middle of the store as she tells the sad story of how her kids feel abandoned now that she has moved in with her very own Ken doll.

Kim is like one of those big sloppy Outback Steakhouse Bloomin’ Onions, where you just keep peeling and peeling and never get to the end of the drama.  There’s more to this one than a 4 minute dress boutique breakdown can reveal.  Something is up.

The whole thing just gives me Giggy Spins.