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I see Muffin Tops.

I see Dead People.

I see Crazy People.

Pop Quiz.

What two extremely important things did we learn on this week’s Botox filled episode of The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills?  Anyone?

1.  It takes a lot of needles for women in Beverly Hills to look good.

2.  If Kelsey Grammer ever runs into any of these women in a back alley, he’s a dead man.  And when they take his body to the morgue, he will probably be wearing women’s underwear.

Though we only got to witness the former this week, I think it is a pretty safe bet to assume that both would be equally as painful to view.

Thankfully we were only subjected to sharp needles in soft tissue this week, and were spared the spectacle of Frasier in a Victoria’s Secret seamless Little Cheekini.

It was “Paul’s Night of Beauty” at his Nip/Tuck office, and all the girls were invited over for enough Restylane and Dysport to pump up all the tires at Jiffy Lube.  Fresh off Spa Day at Adrienne’s in-home sanctuary, Paul used the opportunity to one up his wife (his greatest passion in life next to lip implants…) and bring everyone together for some much needed facial inflation.

Kyle, recently coming off the post-lift trauma of seeing her bloated mother in law’s face wrapped up like a sixth grader’s Mummy costume, was understandably a little spooked by all the needles and puncture wounds and chose to do the less invasive laser beam treatment to break up her jiggly overhang.  She was feeling self conscious about her size 2 waistline creeping over the top of her designer jeans, and figured she could alienate 90% of all the women in America and get skinny at the same time.

Taylor, to prevent being mistaken for a Halloween door knocker, chose to have her cheeks filled out a little bit.  Her deeply contoured cheeks are either genetic or the result of never actually putting solid food in her mouth…the jury is still out on that one, although Lisa insists on keeping track of Taylor’s eating habits like she was her Jenny Craig sponsor.

Camille skipped the whole shindig due to Kelsey having recently filed papers to go after full custody of their children.  That is one sloppy divorce and any day the girls get to do a little Kelsey bashing is a good day.

In a scene that gave me bad acid flashbacks to my high school Drivers Ed class, Kim calls in to Paul’s office from her car to explain why she is late.

Again.

Slurring and mumbling like she was a Mr. Magoo cartoon, Kim’s train of thought…and car…were all over the place.

I pity the poor Bravo camera guy who drew the short straw on that remote shot, because his life must have been flashing in front of his eyes as Kim looked everywhere but straight ahead.  I’m not really sure why her car even has a steering wheel now that you mention it, because I don’t think her hands ever actually made contact with the thing during the entire drive to Paul’s office.

Her biggest concern is Karma, because she is afraid that the previous rude comments she made about Taylor’s puffy Blowfish mouth at a dinner party will come back to haunt her and she will end up with those vintage Warner Brothers animated googlie ogglie lips.

Lisa takes a break from the restaurant and graces the office with her presence, but is only there to watch everyone else get smoothed and injected since she has to work with the public and can’t be all swollen and spongy when she’s filling water glasses.

Plus Giggy likes her lips just the way they are, thank you.  Kisses.

When Kim finally shows up, she is still in full Magoo Mode.  On top of the issues she has with fat lips and Karma, she is now also suddenly concerned about the seance that Kyle has arranged for the girls.

Kim, being the Master of multiple personalities and excuse making is trying to squirm her way out of the psychic party.  She’s afraid that spirits from the Other Side will come into her body and take over her brain.  She’s afraid that it’s against her religion, which is news to sister Kyle.  She goes all Magoo on Kyle and Lisa for a few minutes, and right when they are about to lose it on her, she bolts for the treatment room for some injections.

Before Paul can give her the Angelina Jolie pout she has been begging for, he asks about her medical history.  After listing off more prescription drugs than you can find behind the counter at Walgreen’s, it doesn’t take a detective to figure out that a little thing called drug interaction may be part of what makes her so delightfully loopy.  But it’s not Paul’s place to judge anyone but his own wife, so he moves on to some face spackle and tries to work miracles on Kim.

While Lisa is hanging with the girls, she receives an email from Russell Armstrong on her Barbie iPad.  Having Russell show up on a seance episode is a little creepy and prophetic, but at the time no one gave it a thought.  He still swears that Lisa is responsible for leaking dirt to the press about his crumbling marriage with Taylor, so he emails her one of those junior high “we’re not breaking up and everything is good and I’ll see you at the dance” kind of notes.  Lisa finds it odd.  So do the other girls, but they can’t raise their eyebrows to prove it.

And then it’s time to speak with those who have crossed over to the Other Side.

Rebecca the psychic medium shows up at Kyle’s to get the party started.  Some of the girls are uncomfortably obsessed with psychics, while others are just uncomfortable and think of them along the lines of Life Coaches for the Dead.  But we’re not here to judge.

The house was full of spirits, according to Rebecca and her Star Trek Communicator.

No lie.  She walked around Kyle’s home searching for magnetic ghost resonances with the exact same little transponder that Captain Kirk used to point at things when he was making sure they weren’t full of Klingon radiation.  I swear I’m not making it up.  Check Hulu.

Speaking of things you don’t see much of anymore…for no apparent reason other than knowing Kyle…Faye Resnick is back.

Faye is the poster child for questionable plastic surgery, and was last seen at Camille’s psychic party where she pretty much threw down with some of the girls.  Best known for spreading rumors at the O.J. Simpson trial and then quickly spreading her legs in Playboy while the publicity was still hot,  Faye didn’t have much to add this time around.

She pretty much just sat there like an aging Toddlers & Tiaras princess wondering where her youth went while the rest of the girls got to hear what the Other Side had to say.  No little diva Mackenzie outbursts or nuthin.  (“You are driving me nuts…!”  PS…they’re back in December.  Set your DVR.)

Poor Faye.  At least they had good snacks.

It was typical psychic mumbo jumbo as each girl got a little snippet or hollah from Beyond.  Apparently even the Dead have a sense of humor and like to smack talk about Kelsey, because one of the ghosts even managed to get the whole women’s underwear thing out in the open again.  Poor Kelsey and his size 14 pumps.

Finally it was back to the world of the living as Kyle dropped by Kim’s house and got the bomb dropped on her about Kim’s secret love affair.  Yup.  Kim finally ‘fessed up about the dude she has been dating for over a year and let Kyle know that she is moving outta Dodge to be with her new cowboy.

Kyle was either still really upset about her Muffin Top, or her mothering instincts kicked back in, because she cried a lot when she got the news.  She doesn’t think this is going to end well at all.

As the credits rolled, Kim did everything but toss doggie treats through the doorway in the hopes that Kyle would chase them into the house and go meet the Mystery Man.

My psychic powers tell me we’ll have to wait until next time to see how this all plays out.

The girls are right. I need to start dating again.

Kelsey was right. She does smell like camel.

Ken was right. She does smell like sissy dog.

Excuse me?

With all due respect to those second string Real Housewives of New York, I’m pretty sure that I just experienced more of Morocco at one California party than I did during that entire drawn out multi week trip Ramona and The Countess had forced everyone to take part in this past season.  Seriously.

And this time it wasn’t even on Bravo’s tab.  No passports required, and you didn’t need to put all your toiletries into little airplane bottles.  This is the way to see the world, people.  Travel to a foreign land and still be home in time for Leno.

This week The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills went to fake Morocco…and infinity & beyond…to prove to any remaining doubters still out there, that they have more money than you will ever have.

End of story.  You lose.  They win.

Don’t even try to keep up, because this time around we got a reserved front row seat and the chance to witness excessive partying, excessive face lifting, generally excessive Beverly Hills excess…and a gigantic camel thrown in just to prove their point.

The Big Event was finally here.

Or at least the second biggest one if you count the upcoming Wedding.

Or maybe even third, actually, if you count the highly anticipated, though nervously stalled for eight episodes, first appearance of Russell Armstrong in what will undoubtedly go down in TV history as one of the most awkward and uncomfortable voices from the grave scenes ever.

Ever.

But whatever number you give the thing on the Superficially Important Bravo Scale, it was time for The Engagement Party.

On those rare occasions when Lisa Vanderpump actually stops talking about herself long enough to change subjects, the conversation usually veers towards her daughter Pandora who is still living in sin with her prepster boyfriend Jason and not making much progress on producing a grand baby to go head to fuzzy head against Sissy Dog Supreme Giggy for Mom’s attention.  Lisa wants a marriage license and a grandchild and she’s getting a little tired of waiting.  Thankfully Jason finally proposed, and it’s time for the Engagement Party!

Lisa and her live-in dog walker, husband Ken, have ample room in their home to host any party.  Casa Vanderpump is ginormous, in a crazy Architectural Digest meets the Barbie aisle at Target kind of way.

Ginormous.  And very pink.

But since Lisa doesn’t like other people using her bathroom, and large crowds give Giggy nervous pee, she has secured the mansion of her BFF Mohamed for Pandora’s bash.  Let him clean up after everyone leaves.  She’s no fool.

Not to be outdone, Taylor is planning another birthday party for 5 year old Kennedy.  Taylor took some heat last time for the over the top Wonderland Crazy Hat birthday party she threw that involved everyone but her daughter, so this time she is working the family friendly angle.  That requires lots of animals, a rodeo cowboy theme and a trip to what appears to be the country’s most expensive cake bakery.

In a quick little flashback to the party, knowing what we all know now, that entire episode last year was one big laser pointer signaling that something wasn’t right in Armstrong Land.  Seriously wrong.

Label junkie Dana meets her for some taste testing and design discussion at the bakery.  I’m thinking it’s because in Dana’s mind if she buddies up to Taylor, then Taylor will put in a good word with Camille, and Camille will finally give Dana squatters rights at the Hawaii Bungalo, because we all know that Dana won’t rest until she has her toes in that white sand.  I swear the only person who wants to get into that house more than Dana is Kelsey, and he probably stands a better chance of spending the night.

Since we all know that most 5 year olds are going to end up wearing more of the birthday cake than eating it, I’m not sure I could justify spending $1000 on any baked good shaped like a Unicorn, but Taylor didn’t seem to mind.  I guess if your daughter thinks that Unicorns actually really live on rodeo ranches then you have bigger problems to deal with down the road.  But still.  And 200 guests?  How big is that pre-school?

Before all the Housewives can get to Mohamed’s House of Morocco, Kyle has to accompany her mother-in-law to Paul’s House of Face Lifts.  Taking a break from driving Adrienne to an early grave, Paul is performing surgery on Mauricio’s Mom, because it’s Beverly Hills and that’s what we do.

Kyle is not a big fan of surgery and is already a little queasy just from watching Paul doodle magic marker lines all over Mom’s face.  After dotting enough lines and arrows on her face to run Super Bowl plays, Paul takes Mom into surgery while the family waits outside, apparently oblivious to the fact that all of his surgical tools are on a Sears Craftsmen workbench.  He’s a real doctor, right?

Considering I won’t even go the dentist, I’m probably not the one to judge the skills of anyone in the medical profession, but I’m not sure that if I was lying on the table with my face pulled back over my hairline while a nurse applied suction, that I would want my doctor chatting up Mark Wahlberg on the phone.  Seems that one of the anesthesiologists claims he is Marky Mark’s doppleganger and Paul just happened to have The Funky Bunch on speed dial.

Sometimes it’s better to not even ask, and just move on.

After Mom’s surgery…minutes after it seems…Kyle and Mauricio go in to check on her progress.  Now I’m not sure what they expected 4 minutes after Paul put her face back together, but no wonder Kyle had a meltdown.  Poor Mom looked like Mr. Bill from the old SNL skits.  Except it was Mr. Bill with his head wrapped in that cheesecloth the Fromagerie guys use to drain mozzarella down in Little Italy.  And all Mom could muster was a shaky Fonzie thumbs up “aaaaaaay” over and over.

Needless to say, Kyle took off down the hall like the Cowardly Lion did that first time the scary Wizard Head yelled at him.  I’m rethinking my lip implants.

But the Mr. Bill face wasn’t as disturbing as the first, and only, scene so far this season with Russell.

We knew it had to happen sooner or later.  There really wasn’t any way to completely avoid the subject, and I’m sure that Bravo spent the last 8 episodes trying to figure out how long they could go and not drop him into a scene.  Hoping that viewers might just forget about him, they put it off as long as they could but tonight he returned.  And it was creepily like he was reaching out from the Other Side.

Kyle and Mauricio dropped by the Armstrong’s place for the most clumsy, hard to eat plate of food anyone has ever been served, but luckily no on had much of an appetite as it became very clear early on that Taylor and Russell were on the outs.  US Weekly had just hit the stands with an article that Taylor was separated, and Russell swore that it was Lisa who leaked the inaccurate story.

While Kyle and Mauricio had a little inappropriate dinner table canoodling, Taylor and Russell sat across from them like they had never met each other yet, and had never witnessed a couple in love.

Awkward ain’t the word.  It was either 30 seconds, or 60 minutes, of silent eye shifting and looking up and looking down and looking side ways that went on way too long.  If Bravo wanted to make Russell the Bad Guy for the upcoming rodeo, they did what they set out to do.  Even Kyle’s daughter in her mini Rachel Zoe fur vest couldn’t break that tension.

The rest of the episode shifted to fake Morocco and all that money can buy.

Pandora got both Lisa’s British accent and cleavage in the DNA chain as she and her mother prepared for the party.  The Vanderpumps were looking quite Vanderplump.

You’d think with all that boobage in his face 24/7 Ken would be in a better mood, but Lisa seems to have beat him down into submission after all these years.  Or maybe he misses his buddy Giggy, who was noticeably MIA for most of the episode.

Lisa had received a 10K diamond bracelet when she was preggo with Pandora, and recently had it rebuilt into a $68,000 heart shaped engagement necklace for Pandora.

Guess they don’t do Best Buy gift cards.

For a final slap in Ken’s face, she engraved the back of the heart with code for “Mommy loves you,” probably scratching out the “Daddy” part on her way back from the jewelers.

To get her back, Ken re-gifts a $21,700 watch that Lisa gave him and wraps it up for Jason.  Take that you wannabe Barbie.

If I was Jason I would have put that thing on ebay and ran as far away as possible, but for whatever reason he chose to stick around and go through with the party.

Maybe he knew there would be a camel there.

That’s right.  Mohamed had a big ol’ camel to greet the guests as they arrived.  And snake charmers.  And tents.  And exceptionally flexible dancers.  And every whacky thing that Morocco could offer a tourist.  Honestly, he and Lisa would have spent less money if they just shipped everyone overseas on a cargo boat, but it’s Beverly Hills.

And that’s what we do.

The party was so out of control that I almost gave myself a Henna tattoo while I was sitting on the couch just to feel like I was a part of the festivities.  But it wouldn’t have been as Gangstah as the air brushed ink that Adrienne got sprayed on her bicep in the lobby.

I know, right?  $10,000 worth of jewels on her gladiator dress chest plate, and a Krylon stencil on her arm.  She is a keeper.

Snuck in the middle of all this was our first glimpse of Kim’s secret lover whom she met while he was picking up his ammo catalogs or Sopranos Netflix DVD or something out of  his mail box.

The whole thing would have been more exciting if there hadn’t been a camel.

Sorry, Kim.  Camels are way cooler.

It’s amazing. I can’t even see the hickey anymore.

I feel like the prettiest Cafeteria Lady in Beverly Hills.

Just make me tighter than that LeAnn Rimes home wrecker.

This weekend I think I’m going to look into purchasing an NBA Basketball Team.

Just a small one for starters.   Nothing too showy.  Just a little sumthin sumthin to spend my spare change on and keep me busy, because let me just say…it seems to be working for Adrienne Maloof.

I don’t even think that woman knows where…much less what…a Walmart is, because she is clearly not buying generic anything.  Though Bravo has never actually shown it on TV, you know that her toilet paper roll dispenser totally spins out $10 bills for your butt.

Seriously.  Help yourself when you tidy up, girls.

This week The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills lived up to the life style that we have associated with that city ever since Jed Clampett struck Black Gold by having a Spa Day at Adrienne’s.

Yeah.  At Adrienne’s. I know, right?

There’s a complete Spa in her home.  Somewhere in the caverns of Casa de Maloof is a full blown esthetician’s wet dream complete with a tanning booth and Star Trek laser beam facials.

Jealous much?  Every time I say I would never want to live such an ostentatious  life of excess, I get the final warning notice for my cable bill shut off date on the same day I run out of shaving cream.  So seeing tonight’s complete Spa, staffed with massage therapists and a nail tech who looked like she interns for Willy Wonka has kind of made me rethink this whole “rather be happy than rich” song I’ve been spewing all these years.

Just once I’d like to have to take an elevator to go to the bathroom.

Adrienne has me so flustered I didn’t even start at the beginning of the story.  Let’s regroup.

After the Game Night fiasco at Label Whore (“You like them?  They’re expensive Valentino…”) Dana’s home last time, the girls are definitely in need of some relaxation and a claw trim,  so Adrienne decides to hook them all up with a Spa Day.  But before the big event, for reasons way beyond me,  she has asked Lisa to put down Wonder Sissy Dog Giggy long enough to teach her how to cook a chicken.  Since she hates cooking, doesn’t know how to cook and has no intention of ever cooking anything ever, I’m not really sure why Adrienne felt the need to eat up our valuable TV time, but she did.

Lisa makes the 2 mile hike directly across the street and over the Wonderland landscaping from her home to Adrienne’s and shows her how Paula Dean would do it.  If Paula Dean was British and wore 5 inch stilettos when she gutted a chicken, that is.

Adrienne is lucky to actually find her own kitchen in that hotel of a home, much less know how to actually use it, so the whole thing immediately crumbles into the episode where Lucy and Ethel are frying chicken.

Since the kitchen is obviously based on the HGTV Design Star premise that it has to look amazing first and then possibly be functional, Adrienne has covered every appliance and cabinet in matching woodwork, which is a guarantee that she can’t find anything.  Where are the onions?  Open a door.  Whoops.  Wrong refrigerator.  Open another door.  No, that’s a mop.  Open another door.  Louboutin shoes.  I was looking for those.

And so on.

Since her husband Paul lives to inject her life with Restylane and third grade pranks, I was half expecting one of those Snake-In-A-Can things to jump out of one of the cabinets.  That would have been classic.

The only thing that Adrienne could immediately get her hands on, which was disturbing on a whole other level, were plastic surgeon gloves so she didn’t have to touch the chicken.  She knew where those were even though she couldn’t find the Morton’s Salt.  I didn’t ask.

Moving on we got a quick shot of Taylor, Kyle and Dana doing a little Brandi bashing.  After accusing NutWad Kim of doing crystal meth in the bathroom during Game Night, Brandi is not really high on anyone’s upcoming holiday greeting card list right now.  And since Dana is so desperate to learn the secret handshake that will get her into the Housewives Inner Circle, she is more than willing to drag Brandi through a little mud.

Taylor, on her second week of normalcy, tries to give Brandi a little back up by explaining that Brandi is afraid her ex-husband and that gold digger LeAnn Rimes are going to come after her kids, so anytime anyone says anything about her children she freaks out at a DEFCON One Level.  I still say Brandi’s contract stipulates that her ex and LeAnn get a jab each week.  Brandi wasn’t even in the room and they got schooled.

Everything after that was just money, and mo’ money.

Lisa and her appendage Giggy swing by royal gazillionaire Mohamed’s tasteful little shanty to see if it is a good place to hold daughter Pandora’s engagement party.

There is over the top.  And then there is Over.  The.  Top.

Think Bollywood meets Indiana Jones meets that Pussycat Dolls Slum Dog music video.  If I can’t have a bathroom elevator, then I want a room that is nothing but pillows.  A Pillow Room to entertain my friends and watch Bravo TV.  That’s when you know you’ve made it.  Or you’ve lost it.  Like crazy town lost it.

Mohamed, with his trophy girlfriend clinging to his side, walks Lisa around his place and I’m pretty sure that she and Giggy both had a little nervous pee.

There was even a sliding wall panel that led to a secret room where you could do the nasty and not get caught.  Right before they shut the wall I swear I saw that giant ball that almost rolled over Indiana Jones coming down the hallway.

Since Lisa doesn’t do Cheesecake Factory, this place will do just fine for the party.

From there it was off to Adrienne’s for a day of laser treatments and Brandi humiliation. When the girls arrived, they were all greeted by a couple of Beefcakes in tight white outfits.  (Lisa would totally hit up the Cheesecake Factory if these dudes were on the waitstaff.  They’ve already got the outfits.)  Adrienne had gotten all of the girls matching light blue robes and wedgie flip flops.  She doesn’t know where the ketchup is, but she knows all their shoe sizes.  Go figure.

When they first all changed into their spa gear and trotted single file down the hall holding strawberries and champagne, I couldn’t decide if they reminded me more of Stepford Wives in a locker room or a crazy soccer mom Gospel Choir.  Still haven’t decided.

Everything else was either exfoliation, Brandi bashing or Adrienne showing off her wealth.  One machine cost $30,000.  Thirty.  I had a fit when Neiman’s raised the price of my coconut scrub, and these women are getting the top layer buzzed off by a $30,000 machine.  That’s just wrong.

Before it got too intense, Kyle and Kim snuck off and found a trampoline in the backyard.  While Kyle did a little jump or two and called it a day, Kim flopped all over that thing like a fish that just fell off the line and hit the dock.  She flipped and splatted and generally face planted across the trampoline like it was her day job.

That women is cuckoo for cocoa puffs.

Once everyone was back inside, it was Brandi against the World.

Adrienne tried to play Peacemaker and get Kyle to listen to Brandi’s half hearted apology.  Kim called Kyle a traitor for even thinking about it.  Camille, who doesn’t really have much to do now that Kelsey is outta here, ate a lot and got schoolgirl giddy whenever one of the Beefcakes walked by the buffet table.  She’s a pretty observant little thing, I’ll give you that.  Nothing gets by her.  And she does love her snacks and snarky comebacks.  I might join her Fan Club.

Kyle met with Brandi, but didn’t make much progress.  You don’t diss my kids, I won’t diss your hot mess sister.  Just what you would expect from the two of them.

Brandi cried and Kyle could care less.  Lisa made sure that she got in every shot, and Dana did whatever would benefit Dana most.  She’s going to get to Camille’s home in Hawaii if it kills her.

Like the final scene in a sad sports movie, we watched Brandi hobble down the hallway and out the door all alone.  Again.  While all the other Housewives giggled and rolled their eyes at how she is nothing but Trailer Park.

Still on her crutches, I was waiting for Brandi to slip on the marble and give us a real Dynasty cliffhanger.   The Beefcakes weren’t even around to get the door for her as she fumbled her way out, down the steps and into her truck with the gun rack and the “I Hate LeAnn” bumper sticker.

To top it off, she only got one flip flop for her good foot.

I’m thinking Brandi will probably pass on the next Spa Day.