Posts Tagged ‘Reality TV Blog’

Toddlers & Tiaras: When It’s Slots And Tots And Lots Of Sparkles…All Bets Are Off, Kids. Cuz It’s Vegas, Baby!

Thursday, September 29th, 2016

rhair

 

 

Don’t even ask me to put this big a** thing on my head after 6 hours in the beauty salon chair.

 

 

nocry

 

 

 

#NoCryingEver

 

 

dg1

 

 

 

 

I know if I end up looking like Effie from Dreamgirls there’s gonna be some drama, boy.

 

rbig

 

 

 

I’m not even lying. She got outta the damn chair and her hair was like THIS big! Swear to Gawd.

 

 

hat

 

 

I literally told them 4 times I was wearing this hat and they still can’t fit it in the shot. This a joke?

 

 

bp

 

 

 

 

#@**!!**@*#!!

 

rcrown

 

 

 

 

On second thought, Mama likes. Help yo’self to some teddy bears, kids. This one’s mine.

 

 

 

 

Grab your popcorn.

And some high fructose soda pop, of course.

Maybe even some Goobers, while you’re at it.  And those gummy things that always stick to your flippers.

You’re gonna need lots of sugary snacks this week, kids…

popcorn-having-a-march…because Toddlers & Tiaras is going to the movies!

It was finally time for the Supreme Me Night At The Movies Pageant!

After a little bit more pre-show drama, I mean.

Following the new Toddler 2.0 format, we picked up right where we left off last week with tiny Addison and Mom Trish and Mom Trish’s red eye shadow coming to terms with the realization that Cambrie Littlefield‘s makeup guy Mykel Baca would not be doing their makeup for the pageant in the morning.

I know, right?  Dramzzzzz in the first 30 seconds.

Here’s Trish’s eye shadow in case you missed it.

tAnd here’s a closer look if you want to duplicate that smokey eye this weekend.

trish1

As everyone ran in circles carrying what I believe were canvas scarecrow heads on a stick, it was clear that there weren’t enough hours in the day to fit all these kids into Mykel’s makeup chair.

This was not going to end well.

Disclaimer:  From this angle, I know it looks like Mom just bagged her kid’s head with canvas, but I assure you there’s not an actual child under that pillow case.  No pageant princesses were harmed during the filming of this episode.
wig

There’s another one, tho.

wig2And a third one that’s probably gonna lose some points during Beauty.

70288_origRegardless, whether it was poor scheduling or some Mean Girls conspiracy theory, if you weren’t wearing a Cambrie’s Court track jacket in the morning you weren’t getting in to see the Wizard.  you-cant-sit-with-us-mean-girlscCambrie is #Goals, BTW.

Morale of the Story:  Trish was not happy.

But instead of hopping a plane back to Dallas at midnight, she took her scarecrow head and her Juicy Couture Texas top (…which you just know has matching lounge pants at home somewhere…) and stomped the yard up to her room to figure out what to do now.texas

I’m not really sure what that other person with the backpack is doing.  That’s a lot of gear for a school bus, so I’m thinking maybe she’s hiking the Appalachians in the morning.

Side note:  Even though she’s a stress bag, you know I love Trish.

t1Not so much the red eye shadow.  But I did notice that everyone was rocking it at the Macy’s Mac counter last weekend, so maybe T-Dawg is just ahead of the curve.

Drinking Game Alert:  During one of those little performance snippets they randomly stick in the middle of scenes, that baby puppet was back on stage again.

puppetExcept now I’m not so sure she’s a puppet, because you can totally see that lady’s hands.

If she’s a puppet…you’re doing it wrong.

If she’s a real baby…that kid’s never gonna learn to walk if you don’t put her down, ma’am.

And then we met Rochelle Thames, Director of Supreme Me Pageants.

Yaaaaaaas, Queen.

r2

Part that lady from The View

giphy-1

Part this kid…tumblr_mny7o0bzan1qk08n1o1_500And part that girl from Glee who always sang Jennifer Holiday songs…

giphyWE LOVED ROCHELLE!

Yes.  All in caps.  And bold.  And italics.

She was so friendly and so nice and so smiley and so pretty with magazine cover shiny skin and wanted ALL the kids to get prizes and feel special and totally needs to be my new BFF so we can go clubbing with Annette Hill from Universal Royalty.

Google it.  Annette is da bomb diddly widdly.

Side note:  You know my girl Tonya from Bailey’s Pageants always has a standing invitation, too, but ever since her BoyToy Todd went back on tour with the Backstreet Boys, they’ve been kinda booked.

Look at the stash of goods Rochelle was handing out.  Dang, gurl.stashYes, please.

tumblr_ls3ifixzrp1r3i8zto1_500Rochelle was handing out crowns, sashes, fans made out of dollah dollah bills, yo…and even a confetti bomb after every kid’s name was called.

spelling-bee-winner-excitementBackstage amidst all the air brush frenzy, the girls were poised and polite and giving each other compliments like “I know your Mom is a raving lunatic, but your hair looks nice…” 

ty…while thanking each other like proper young ladies.

Look at all the hair back there.hairkirk1Side note:  Are we just not gonna talk about that lady with the Zsa Zsa Gabor bracelet  who was trying to keep her kid awake with a cowbell?

cowbell

You might wanna zoom in on that closeup.cowbell1Not putting up with any of your s*** this morning, woman.  Not doin’ it.

And how about that dog?  Meow, bitch.

dog

Wait.  What?  Now she’s a puppet again.

puppet1And look how psyched this chick is to be there.

britneyYou just know the guy with the mustache was trying to figure out if that was really Britney Spears or not.

It is Vegas, after all.

The emcee was gorgeous and held her mic like she was in the American Idol Finale.

mc

And then the Gods of Reality Television blessed us with another appearance by Nisa Hooper, talent coach and sunglass icon to the stars.anigif_enhanced-8470-1429731083-4n1Nisa finds Cambrie to be a lovely, lovely young lady who…ummm…
n285386-bored-look-at-watch-gif-my-cou-e57fn450569965-cmsn3at-work-cookie-monstern5

Yeah.  Not so much.

Did I forget to mention that my Boo Jayliana‘s Mama Deb mentioned that Mykel forgot to mention that he doesn’t know how to do mixed girls’ hair?

Because he don’t.  Gurrrrrrl, plea…

jI mean.

j1Granted, Cambrie wanted JayBae to wear a wiglet instead of going au natural with her curly ‘do at this pageant.  And if Miss Cambrie told me to put a toupee on and walk backwards down Main Street I would totally do it, because Miss C is #Goals.

But Lawd, Geezis.

I watch enough Bravo TV to know that hair was NOT laid to the Gawdz.

Rochelle was all like…

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Even Nisa’s Dog/Cat couldn’t believe what he was looking at when she came on stage.

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Look at Mama tryna unscrew that Diet Pepsi like it’s vodka.

momAnd excuse me, but did Addison just call Cambrie a LOSER?

losertumblr_n65tiy1eq21tcwnk1o1_500Do NOT make me take off my earrings.  She’s lucky she’s 2 years old.

NEWSFLASH/DVR ALERT:  The Top Hat Boys are back!!judge

Or at least that one.shania-twain-vegas

I mean this one.hat1My Boy Blake Nagy was back on the judges’ table!

Those Top Hat Boys Crack.  Me.  Up.

Bonus:  Imma just leave this one here and you can make up your own punchline.

tumblr_inline_mlthyb9q0b1qz4rgpI freakin’ love those guys.

The Beauty Round was first up and the girls all nailed it, more or less.

Check out Nisa holding that plastic cup like she’s having cocktails at the Oscars.

anMmmHmmm.  I found his performance in Mall Cop to be slightly pretentious.

Since Jayliana’s #BeautyHair had been such a success, Mama Deb rushed her back upstairs to their hotel room sink so she could wash that thing down the drain and rejuvenate her natural curls.

As opposed to this lady who put her baby in the sink just to take a selfie.

sinkAs Jayliana’s natural spring was sproinging back to life…

curl

…the emcee was calling for a 7-8 year old lineup downstairs.  Which meant that JayBae missed the call and Cambrie said a swear word with kids in the car.v2tsqvxbp

#Goals.  F***ing S***Show #Goals.

Hashtag:  FML.

Side note:  That’s my girl Annette waaaay in the background behind that little peanut flipping the bird.

Annette doesn’t wear her hair up at da klub, yo.  You know that’s right.

tumblr_lq035of2qt1qbnfoaWhen they finally made it downstairs, Deb said something to Cambrie about Jayliana’s hair, but I was so fascinated by that lady in the middle looking all like “Whatchoo mean they’re taking points off for not showing up?  That’s some BS!” that I don’t remember much about the scene.

gurl

Instead of Outfit of Choice, Rochelle shook things up with a Talent Category.

Real Talent.  Like singing and dancing and whatever this is…

ringsThis girl sang a Whitney song and even stuck her finger in her ear like Mariah does on her high runs.

She’ll be dropping her first single on Spotify as soon as finishes her nap.

whitneyJayliana busted out her best Prince impersonation and reenacted that famous scene from Purple Rain when Apollonia Kotera jumped on the back of Prince’s hoverboard and they rode off into the sunset.

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Because she rode a overboard on stage, which I enjoyed it immensely, but Nisa felt that simply spinning around in circles on a hoverboard was not talent and should never be done without a helmet, no matter how much protective natural hair you may have on your head.

nisahover

Safety First, dahling.

And then talent and education.  Or you’re dead to me.

Love.  Nisa.  To.  Infinity….and Beyond.

Addison did a cat routine, which always makes me nervous given what a poor record Toddlers & Tiaras has for kids doing cat routines on national television.

largeBut she nailed it, except for taking a face plant during her back walkover.

Hey.  It was her first attempt.  Cut her some slack.

She managed to gobble down a mouse in one bite like she’d just gotten out of prison, tho.mouseSpeaking of.

ccandy2 ccandy#NaturesCandy.

The Short Version:  At some point during the festivities, Jayliana thought she had chicken pox because she saw 3 tiny mosquito bites on her tummy, but Deb assured her that you can’t get chicken pox in under an hour and that she was just fine and that she should go hug this kid named Kailia really hard until you’d swear Kailia’s Mom Marcy thought she was spreading Zika.

ds1Because that totally happened.

And I didn’t make any of it up this time.

Marcy freaked out and tried to get pageant security to fog bomb the building like JayBae had bed bugs in her hair, so Deb decided to put an end to all this drama by f***ing her up behind closed doors.

Because that totally happened, too.

And I didn’t make any of that up either.  I’m sure it’s on youtube somewhere.

j3

True Fact:  By the time Deb finished with Marcy, Kailia’s Mom had the same number of teeth in her mouth as Jayliana.  I swear.

I don’t know if I got all that in the right order or not, but it really doesn’t matter because Deb is awesome sauce and she has a wine bottle holder shaped like a shoe.  So your argument is once again invalid.

And then Cambrie cried, which made me sad.  She loves her kids so much.

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Side note:  I thought it was nice the way Trish helped lead Nisa around the ballroom since her sunglasses were so dark she couldn’t see the traffic pattern between the chairs.  That’s a true friend.

blind

Maybe not a true story.  But a true friend, for sure.

Amanda‘s daughter Landree was some form of showgirl and danced around like a seasoned pro.

Earlier in the programming she wore a high colored white glitz dress that made her look like the good Ice Princess who fought her evil twin sister in whatever that movie was called.

landSomewhere around here was also when TLC fired one of their Continuity Interns after they accidentally spliced in the wrong Top Hat Boy into the wrong judges’ table scene.

dhatUnless they do these things in shifts, I guess.

Let’s just keep it real, a’ight?  Although his hat is equally as awesome as his counterpart’s chapeau, I know for a fact that’s not the same person.  And whoever that was next to him was not the same judge that was there earlier, because his eyebrows were way more on fleek than any of the women at the table and I would have remembered that kind of thing.

Maybe they kicked all the ladies out after they ate all the candy.

Because that cup was full when the show started.

chin

Editing aside, we did get to see one of those chin stand whatchamacallits that Brooke Hyland used to always do on Dance Moms before her own Mom slapped Abby Lee Miller so hard she ended up on TMZ.  Shoutout to my DM fans!

Finally…it was time for Crowning!

Cambrie’s Court did a rowdy beat yo’ a** cheer a couple hundred times that aggravated everyone around them and then we got a shot of a bunch of kids eating popcorn in matching gold lamé tops that I’m totally screen saving for the cover of my Holiday 2016 cards.

chantSince we’re running a little long this week, you’re going to have to Google the results of the pageant yourself.  I’m sure some website that specializes in that kind of thing can assist you with your scorecard while I point out that Cambrie was making crank phone calls when things started to drag.

cellHello?  Hello?  Who is this?  I know it’s you, Cambrie.  We’re sitting in the same row, bitch.  You know I can see you, right?  Don’t make me come over there.

cell1Since Rochelle likes to shake things up whenever she can, for the final Mega Ultimate Grand Supreme title, she had all 10 kids and all 10 parents come up on stage and food fight their way to the top prize.

89940-john-belushi-food-fight-gif-bl-efzwnoodlesLook at that one Mom waving like she’s getting the crown.

They literally had to dig through those heaping piles of dyed pasta until they found whatever it was that signified a winner.

And then this happened.

acryLandree won the top prize and Amanda lost her own noodle.

acry1I mean.  She bawled.

kristen-wiig-crying bk0d4s1iqaaz0f4acry24Now you know I love me some supportive parents, but this woman didn’t stop crying for the rest of the show.  Except for when she fell down the stairs, which is when I would have expected her to start crying.

And Nisa doesn’t like Outside Crying.

At.  All.

Victorious Laughter on the other hand…

nht

And then it was over.

Except for handing out the Emmy for Best Impersonation Of Somehow Getting The Holy Spirit In Them At A Kiddie Pageant, that is…which went to Deb for making fun of Amanda’s emotional breakdown.

ds tie1Just say No to crying, kids.

Feel free to say yes to that sparkle bow tie, though.  Definitely.  Yes.

Landree gave thanks.

tyjtumblr_m2zhmuihrp1qzr8l8

And then it was really over.

Peace out, bitches.

Even you crazy ones.

peace

Toddlers & Tiaras: Git It Gurrrrl! That’s Right…It’s Time To Sparkle And Spray Again, Baby. They’re Baaaaaaack!

Thursday, August 25th, 2016

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I swear.  Some of these Mamas get me so stressed out I could almost blink.

 

 

bowww

 

 

I know you’re not gonna ask me to put on some cheer bow from Claire’s when my hair is on point.

 

 

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If she don’t want it, I’ll take it. Bows are kinda my thing…

 

 

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Somebody better start blending, cuz I’m not leaving the house with my tracks showing.

 

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Telling you right now I’m not missing Leg Day cuz some crazy Mama can’t read a damn clock.

 

 

mouth

 

 

Look! I literally filled my own cavity with a big bag of sequins from Michaels. This s*** just got real.

 

 

 

Buckle up that car seat, kids.

Make sure the lid on your sippy cup is secure, too.

And you might wanna even take out that flipper so you don’t choke on it.

Because…yes.

tumblr_n5hcm3Cd9y1qlvwnco1_500Yaaas.

tumblr_o52nnutCWg1rlafseo1_400Yaaaas.

dsghfdsgfhAnd just…yes.

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Toddlers & Tiaras is back.

And it’s back with a vengeance.

The dry spell is over.  After disappearing from television screens for a long 3 years, all the glitz, glam and go-go juice is back in our face.  But with an upgrade.

It’s Toddlers 2.0.

Or what we like to call the Dance Mom-ization of the Free World.

ezgif.com-cropMore Noise.  More Mama Drama.

More crazy Moms (…Spoiler Alert…) sprawled out all over the furniture being crazy.  Then some more noise.  And then some more Mama Drama.

And, if time allows between commercials, maybe even some tiny kids trying to balance ginormous sparkle crowns on their heads.

Side note:  Srly?  Three years later and we still haven’t found a way to make headgear that…I dunno…actually fits a head?  How many unaired scenes involving the Jaws of Life do you think we’ve missed over the years?

Look at this poor kid.  A headband, a hair bow, a ponytail, two hands and the thing still won’t stay on her head.  What the h***?  She’s like 17 pounds soaking wet.

crwThere’s starving Vegas Showgirls out there who could use those crystals.

I love this show, BTW.

And now it’s back.  And just in time.

After months of getting in and out of my bathing suit after all those summer BBQs…

pricklylegs.tumblr1…nobody was happier to see this show return than me.

Except for maybe Cambrie Littlefield.

Because she’s reeeeaaaallly into pageants.  Like…really.

c

You remember Cambrie.  We heart her.

She’s the pageant coach owner of Cambrie’s Court School for Gifted Pageant Girls in Las Vegas, which I swear used to be called Cambrie’s Cuties before the 2.0 Upgrade.

Even Cambrie herself got an upgrade.  Dang, gurl.

Last time we saw Cam I think she was in some country bar or something doing pretty feet in thigh high boots.  If we’re being honest, my DVR taped over all the old T & T episodes with new General Hospitals, so I can’t go back and research my facts.

But I don’t think I’m making that part up.  Or I could be.

But we love her no matter what.  She’s sassy.

Look at her kicking it like some Real Housewife of Nevada in a Reunion Show dress that’s cut almost all the way up to the Vegas Strip.

cll

giphy-1A self-proclaimed Pageant Goddess since the age of 2 who can’t keep a Second Place trophy OR a Man, Cambrie is #Goals.

Moving on down the road a bit to Phoenix, we next met pageant coach, Jaimie.

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She’s sassy, too.

Except I hope she’s trademarked her sass.

Or at least the Sassy Supremes logo on her biz cards.

For some reason they filmed all her confessionals in what looked like some kind of set for a high school production of Grease.  Not sure what that was all about since Cambrie was shot in about 14 different locations with 14 different cocktails.

Please tell me I’m not the only one who noticed that.

Here’s Cambrie staying hydrated in a Crate & Barrel showroom.

clI love her even more now.

Freshen my drink, Jeeves, or I’ll see you in Cambrie’s Court.

As part of the 2.0 Upgrade, there’s more of a focus on rival pageant coaches, which was demonstrated through one of those CNN Election Center split screens.

ss107Oh, yeah.  It’s on.

The first little nugget we met was 4 year old Kallyn and her Mom Megan, who was spread out like it was her day job on one of those giant couches that looked like it should come with a built-in cup holder.

Look at her.

megAnd then look at her again.

legsIs she wearing one of those bow ties that squirt water?

Needless to say, I immediately fell in love with her.

tumblr_m7wjveEFz71r4ghkoo1_400Disclaimer for those of you who’ve never had the pleasure of this blog:  Relax.

It’s all in fun.  I love every single Kid and Mom that’s ever been on this show.  Nothing is ever done to be mean.  It’s called Reality TV for a reason.

Just ask Paisley‘s Mom.  Who I probably traumatized more than any other Mom.

tumblr_m7iv3nTkHA1rsqezg

Q. What ever happened to them, anyway?

They were supposed to meet me at P.F. Chang’s like 4 years ago.

They probably gave away our table by now.

Anyway.

Kallyn had on the best ‘Hot Mess’ shirt evah, accessorized with these giant gold pearls that were big enough to keep her afloat should she ever fall overboard.

Look at my dab.

dab

81eb2548668087cd277add7939ac469eUnfortunately, they couldn’t protect her from the hazards of that whatchamacallit playground thing that spins you around until you puke.

Because Puke Happened.

Luckily, it happened before Jaimie showed up with about 20 feet of garden hose looking like she was there to clean the pool.  Look at her.

poolTurns out it was a mobile spray tan machine.  My bad.

Because it wouldn’t be Toddlers & Tiaras without somebody getting a couple coats of Krylon in the kitchen, right?

Side note:  Anyone else notice that as soon as Mom jumped off the couch to greet Jaimie, some man took over her spot like one of those Grammy Award seat fillers?  I’m gonna assume that it was Kallyn’s Dad in the pink shirt, because Real Pageant Men Wear Pink.

Side note #2:  One of my all-time favorite parts of this show has always been the random assortment of nameless children and pets that appear and disappear at whim in the background as the plot thickens.  Check out this shot where there’s so much going on that I had to pause the Xfinity box to take it all in.

scene

You got a dog thinking there’s Milk-Bones in the pool pack, about to get konked in the head.  You got Kallyn’s Jazzercise headband and Joan Collins necklace.  You got Jaimie losing her grip on the oxygen hose about to konk the previously mentioned dog in the head.  And there’s even some other kid way back there in the West Wing holding up a baby like they’re performing the opening song from The Lion King.  What is that even all about?

And how does that even happen in Real Life?

Side note #3:  Jaimie charges $55 an hour to carry around all crap.

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I’m in the wrong biz.

Either before or after getting her extensions clipped in for a test-drive (…I forget…) Kallyn got her tongue spray tanned and then Mom rattled off all the recent pageant goodness that totaled up to approximately $2,500 in America dollars.

tumblr_inline_n96vunKMhd1sdanxjI’m seriously in the wrong biz.

The second contestant we met was 3 year old Selyse and her Mom Kim.

Here she is from an upcoming episode of TLC‘s new show Pageant Baby Hoarders:

waldoCan you even find her?  She’s so cute you really need to make the effort.

It’s like the best Where’s Waldo? ever.

Selyse was Kim’s Surprise Birth Control Baby, which I’m assuming meant that she either came as a Gift With Purchase down at Walgreen’s or the pills didn’t do what the doctor said they would do when he wrote the prescription.  Ouch.

Mom didn’t spend much time clarifying the talking points.

Most likely because she had a tooth ache.  Because she had a hole in her tooth.

Because she spent all her money on a tiny pageant dress that cost more than her wedding gown and now she was just going to have to wait until she blacked out from oral nerve damage since she couldn’t afford any Anbesol to take the edge off.

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Regardless, Selyse was born and she’s so cute you really need to try and find her again.

Oh, wait.  There she is.

w2I believe there were a total of 3 children running around the house, but it was hard to tell.

The one who I assume was the brother even dropped what I initially believed to be an ironing board on Selyse’s head, but it turned out to just be a bunch of PVC pipes shaped like an ironing board that were laying around the house.

Because, of course.

The third and final pageant hopeful this week was 4 year old Lilly and her Mom Amber.  And Grandma, who fell in the backyard mud bog/creek before we even learned her name.

Mom was In.  It.  To.  Win.  It.

To the point where she had already spent upwards of $45,00 in American dollars on pageant gear and dry-cleaning for Nana.  Really.  She said that.

Or most of that, anyway.

tumblr_inline_n96vunKMhd1sdanxjAnd then Cambrie showed up wearing some kind of a cross between a Gladiator Vixen and a Forever 21 mannequin and that tie dye fabric they always use instead of dressing room doors in that store where everything is made out of hemp.

gl

Am I wrong?  I don’t think so.

Sometimes I swear Cam wears the same size as her clients.  But it’s ok.

Because she’s #Goals.

And she charges $175 for one class.

tumblr_inline_n96vunKMhd1sdanxjCambrie was quick to point out that Jaimie only charges $50+.

But you won’t learn anything.

omggif_zps1bcdb557To burn off some of that snark, we next headed to Cambrie’s Bootcamp Class where everyone was dressed like the Dance Moms Minis.

minisExcept for Jayliana, who refused to wear a stupid gold lamé bow because her hair was looking so fresh.

bowwwShe totally got all like that lady from Bring It!

tumblr_nu0cuxxFiG1tb8iyko1_500Until her Mom scooted her out screaming “I’m Done!” like it really WAS Dance Moms.

tumblr_o0i686Dra91tb8iyko1_500Side note:  Before leaving, Mom made Jayliana recite the 3 things you need in Pageantry:

Smartness.  Beautiful.  And Talent.

Which were so awesomely grammatically nonsensical that if TLC doesn’t give JayBae her own show next year I’m creating a page on Kickstarter.

Somewhere around here was also when Jaimie sent all her little girls to the mall to loiter and perform for random strangers, which sounds way worse than it actually was.

She wanted them to get over their stage fright by physically blocking everyone trying to get into Subway.  And it worked.

Until Selyse didn’t know her routine and got called out in front of everyone, which made Mom lose her nutty right there in front of Radio Shack.

Look at her blocking that total stranger from entering the store.

mall

 Is that even legal?  No wonder they’re going out of business.

With only a day or so to go before the pageant, there was just enough time for Cambrie to invite her BFF Dallas Lovato to come down and show these little peanuts how to be a STAR.  Because that’s what she does.

A few highlights from the visit:

Cambrie made Dallas wear a bow, too.  I don’t care who you are.

dl

Dallas wore a stupid bow, came all the way down from wherever to help out and this was the best scroll the production company could come up with.  Look at her face.

dl2Lilly gave an Emmy worthy performance as a Happy Monkey.

hmAnd then her Mom had a Moment.

oprah-cryingJust.  So.  Proud.

Finally, it was Showtime!

And time for my Boo Tonya Bailey to get this whole jungle-themed Bailey’s Pageant extravaganza started.  The Bailey Bunch is in da house!

You remember Tonya.  She did this once for some reason…

tumblr_lxwljjsatX1qb9pa3o1_500-1And even wore a Swarovski encrusted pirate eye patch one time that was way cooler than the one Bob Costas wore when he got Pink Eye during the Olympics.

costas-eye-patch

With the new 2.0 Upgrade, we got a zillion snippets of performances before the show even started (…which was kind of a Brain F*** to be honest…) but it gave Tonya time to lay down some of the rules and regs and to tell these new Pageant Moms to chillax.

tbFrom the Book of Tonya:

“You paid for someone else’s opinion.”

tb2

“If you don’t have the funds, you might wanna find another hobby.”

tb3

“I’m not going bug eyed, am I?”

tb4No, of course not.

clockwork-orangeWell…maybe just a little.

And Todd was back as emcee!!

Dat’s rite, ladies.  Dolla Dolla Bill, yo.

Tonya’s Boy Toy was back and more jacked up than ever, complete with an inflatable monkey tail that was a little distracting given that there were so many kids in the room.

toddI love Todd, too, in that awkward bromance kind of way.  And…yes…technically I suppose he’s probably more of a husband than a Boy Toy, but this recap is already running way too long for me to keep rehashing the whole Season 6 frosted tips situation…

But that was then.  This is now.

Now Todd’s rocking that buzz cut fade on the side with long hair on the top thing that everyone from Jersey keeps posting on their Instagrams.  You go, boyeeeeee.

Less Boy Band, more guy handing out free Quest Bars at GNC.

Todd 2.0.

Needless to say, it wouldn’t be an episode of T & T if there wasn’t some hotel room pregame panic.  And this time it belonged to Selyse, who was dragging a** until Mom pumped some hi-grade Mega Ultimate Supreme Red Bull into her tank.

And it worked.

One Sip.  Ding.

rbTwo Sips.  Ding Ding.

rb2Three Sips.  Ding Ding Ding.

tb4Look at her in her Snuggie.

rb3

Selyse is literally every girl who ever got dumped in college right after getting her hair did.

Unfortunately, the Red Bull didn’t speed up the car enough, because Selyse missed the entire Beauty portion of the pageant.  Like…didn’t even make it up on stage.

Which made Mom do this…

oh2And then this…

ohAnd then it was over.

Really.

That fast.  Over.

Before we even saw anybody do anything on stage.  What?

Nobody said this was gonna be a 2 parter.

I guess that means we gotta do it again next week to see what happens.

Which is fine by me.

Toddlers is back.

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Dance Moms: It’s The Wild Wild West Coast, Part One. Turn Up The Track…MattyB Is In The ALDC Hizzle, Yo!

Wednesday, February 18th, 2015

mm

 

 

So proud of you for getting the lead role, Baby. I just thought Justin Bieber would be taller in person.

 

 

js

 

 

I’m super excited for the Lucy & Ethel duet. Ethel Merman has always been one of my idols!

 

nf

 

 

 

If I’m sweeping for this whole video, I swear I’m gonna go completely LaQuifa on somebody’s a**.

 

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One. Billion. Views.

 

 

jj2

 

 

 

No, really. Are you just gonna sit there all day or you gonna get up and get me my milkshake, lady?

 

mz

 

 

 

 

My life, tho.

 

 

mb2

 

 

 

 

These chicks be straight crazy, yo.

 

 

 

 

Lights.  Camera.  Action.

Take One.  Take Two.  Take ’em all, if you want.  You can have ’em.

And while you’re at it, maybe you could send over that tiny waitress with some scrambled eggs and a side of hash browns, cuz all this Hollywood stuff is making me hungry.

Can you believe it?  It’s already the final seven days of the 2015 Los Angeles Road Trip for our Dance Moms crew.  Seems like Abby Lee Miller & Co. just arrived in California and now they’re already packing up their hair bows and plastic jewelry for the return trip home.  Time really flies when you’re singing and dancing and screaming and crying.

But don’t you worry.  There was still so much West Coast Mama Drama left to squeeze in that they had to make it a two-parter this week.  The trip that never ended.

And speaking of this whole trip.  I thought the whole point of this thing was to uproot everyone and open a shiny new studio (…“ALDC LA is happening, kids”…) and never look back at Pittsburgh, PA again.  Wasn’t that what Abby kept holding over everyone’s head all last season?  Or did I just make that part up in my head?

And was it just me, or did this whole thing kinda feel like that time when the Brady Bunch went to Hawaii?  (…For today’s performance, the role of Alice will be played by Gianna Martello…) When you saw the same people you already know, but they were all wearing different clothes and being filmed outside in the wind a lot?m

Like when you knew that Greg was probably not going to die the night that gigantic tarantula crawled onto his bed and yet the whole thing still felt a little off and secretly you couldn’t wait for them all to fly back home to Pittsburgh and just dance and have a normal meal of pork chops and apple sauce for a change.

That sentence didn’t even make sense.

But that’s probably why Holly stated more than once that the LA trip was not what she expected.  And Dr. Beyoncé always speaks the truth.  Because she is awesome sauce.

Which is even better than apple sauce.  Way better.

And thinking of Holly just made me think of Nia.  Can we discuss Nia’s hair this week?

On.  Point.  Sasha.  On.  Point.

It was definitely their last week in LA. and probably the earliest that I’ve ever gotten completely off track in a recap.  So let’s get to the Pyramid of Shame and keep this thing moving, because it’s gonna be a long one.

Maddie was MIA again as the Pyramid began.  This week she was off at Disneyland somewhere filming an episode of Austin & Ally, which I guess must be a show about two people named Austin and Ally.  I can’t watch everything out there, people.

To fill the Ziegler Void, Abby announced that she would be bringing in two additional dancers who just happened to be standing on the other side of the studio doors at that very moment.  And then right on cue, in walked former ALDC Junior Elite/Select/I Forget Which One dancer Sarah Reasons and her Mom Tracey.  

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Insert disgusted Kira Girard Face here: _________________.

Reverse Spoiler Alert:  Not sure why Kira acted so surprised to see her arch nemesis Tracey in the building since Tracey was freakin’ sitting behind them at last week’s competition.  For realz.  Right there, behind Abby’s big ol’ bouffant.

Busted.  These Lifetime post-production editors need to either start blurring out the faces of these surprise cameo guest stars or stop filming them looking over Abby’s shoulder through an entire Sheer Talent extravaganza.  Tracey’s nosey, BTW.

Last season, Sarah was known as Sarah R. to avoid any potential confusion with other similarly named, less emotionally stable dancers, but now that the show has driven away most of the Sarahs and Christis of the world, she’s just plain old Sarah again.

And hot on her heels was a brand new face to the ALDC…Brynn Rumfallo and her Mom Ashlee.  Another mortal enemy from Arizona.  Brynn kinda sorta looked like a slightly bigger version of the other not-Sarah R. and Ashlee had hair that was darker at the bottom and underneath.  I don’t know what you call that style.  (…‘So Last Year’ maybe?…)

Ouch.  Snap.  Went there.

I don’t know who’s left at Kira’s old Arizona dance studio since they’re all in California now.

And how ’bout Nia’s hair this week?  Did we already mention that?  On.  Point.

Clearly, we’re wasting too much valuable time this week, so I’ll just skip the rest of the Pyramid to speed things up.  Except for the part where Kendall was on top.  Because that’s important.  You go, gurrrl.  Well deserved.  XOXO.

My MomCrush Jill was beyond thrilled.  And she’s my MomCrush, so there’s that.

k

And then JoJo cried.  And then she got kicked off the team and out of the room.  But then she pulled a quick U-turn and came bouncing right back in to apologize for crying like a little kid (…PS she is a little kid…) and for being too scared to watch an R-rated movie all by herself in a dark hotel room.

I still can’t believe Abby wanted this little squirt to watch the movie Carrie last week.  That ain’t rite.  Mom Jessalynn is already spending too much money on hair accessories and Clairol Root Touch-Up.  She doesn’t need to write another check for psychotherapy.

This week the gang was headed to Starbound National Talent Competition.  Sarah and Kalani scored a duet based on the infamous Nancy Kerrigan vs. Tonya Harding 1994 Winter Olympic ice skating fiasco.  The one where Tonya had someone bonk Nancy’s knee with a socket wrench, sending her into a crumpled mess on the floor like she had just lost the entire limb in a wood chipper.

Drama Queen much?

The other duet went to MackZ and JoJo, who were paying tribute to Lucy Ricardo and Ethel Mertz.  Not gonna lie.  Part of me hopes it’s going to be the episode where JoJo gets a giant trophy stuck on her head.

There were also two group routines to learn, but since they don’t really happen until next week we’ll just skim over those until Part Two.  The big dealio with having two dances to learn was that Abby had to bring in guest choreographer Molly Long to work with one team, while the other team (…comprised of mostly newbies…) got all of Abby’s attention.

hjc

No wonder Holly has taken matters into her own hands nowadays.  Enough, already.  Don’t screw with a Mother’s Love.

As all the various dances were rehearsed over the next few days, the Moms were running out of patience with pretty much everything that was going down around them.  This was not the plan when the Original Recipe Moms all left Pittsburgh.  Especially the part that included New Moms in the mix.

We also got a delightful flashback to a Classic Dance Moms Moment from last season when Kira flipped out on Tracey one night when all the Old and New Moms were out having cocktails.  You remember.  It was that time when the two of them ran after each other down some random hallway while Holly hoarded every wine glass on the table and Jill and Christi wore matching fur coats.

Gah, those were good times.  I miss Chloe.

With only four days to go before competition, Abby got a surprise call from Blake Morris.

On her cell.  On speakerphone.  Because that’s how it’s done in Reality TV.

Blake is the Father/Manager of “internet artist” MattyB.  Which is totally the way he introduced himself on the phone and which is also totally the way I hope my Dad will one day have to identify himself to strangers.

Who’s MattyB, you ask?  Srsly?  Clearly, you are not a 9 year old girl if you have to ask that stupid question.

Now, before anyone spams my inbox, let me preface this by stating that I am also a cute little white boy.  So it’s ok for me to point out that MattyB is the cutest, littlest, whitest boy that youtube has ever seen.  Ever.

mb1

And he raps, yo.  Granted, he does it in that new little white boy line of clothing from J.Crew, but when you’re 11 years old and have ONE BILLION social media hits under your nautical web belt you can freakin’ get gangsta in a Pokémon onesie for all I care.

This kid owns youtube right now.

He also owns a really good head of pre-teen/pre-DBag Justin Bieber hair.

(Spoiler alert:  Enjoy it while you can, cowboy.  Your Dad’s a really nice guy, but…)

Dad wanted the ALDC girls to audition for MattyB’s new music video.  OMG.

Nia got all giggly.  MackZ just ran in circles bumping into things.  Kendall professed her love for MattyB.  Even though he is slightly height challenged at the moment, once his voice changes and he has a spurt or two, she would be willing to revisit the possibility of marrying him and having 100 perfect-haired babies.

As soon as the introductory speakerphone call was over, Abby and Melissa were all like AwHellNahMackenzieAin’tDancingBackUpForNobodyCuzShe’sAlreadyAMusicStar until Holly casually mentioned the whole One Billion Thang and then all of the sudden they were pulling out headshots like they were popping Tic Tacs.

It was pre-tween chaos.

Quickly followed by a commercial for Born In The Wild where we got to see pixelated crotch shots of women having babies in the rain forest.

What the What?  Is nobody working in the Lifetime offices on Tuesday nights anymore?

I can’t.  I just can’t anymore.

(Check out Nia’s hair while we’re here…)nk

Finally, it was Music Video Audition Time!

Blake and Video Director Marshall Manning showed up at the studio to give the girls some deets on the upcoming audition process.  It’s nice they could take a break from their JCPenney catalog plaid shirt photo shoot, because that’s totally what they were doing before they arrived.

(Spoiler Alert:  Nobody in MattyB’s posse is allowed to tuck their shirt in.  It’s in the contract, I swear.  Check out every scene from now until the end credits.  If I’m lying I’m dying.)

I really liked Marshall.  He was all Hollywood and Boy Band and Joey Tribbiani from Friends in one neatly trimmed package.  There was a lot of good hair this week.

Marshall wanted the ‘essence of a child’ for this video, which I prayed was the dancing kind and not the kind that had just been delivered on a bed of wet pine needles in the back woods of Maine.

Go back and watch that commercial.  I just can’t in HD anymore.

The next day, choreographer Erik Saradpon joined the MattyB party to lead the auditions.  It was guest stars galore this week, I tell you.

There was also a third gentleman who was not allowed to speak or give his name who sat in between Marshall and Blake at the American Idol table, as well as a waiter from Vanderpump Rules wearing a sleeveless (…untucked…) lumberjack shirt and ski beanie who was in charge of the iPod.

But my all-time favorite dude (…maybe in the entire history of television so far…) had to be MattyB’s Stunt Man who stepped in to lip sync into an invisible microphone while shaking it like a Polaroid frat party picture.

d

I swear.

Lose the pants, take away the oversized striped hoodie t-shirt and some of the underaged girls dancing backup and that’s exactly how I look in the shower every morning.  And exactly how I didn’t want that sentence to sound when it came out of my mouth.

Side note:  From now on when the conversation gets this uncomfortable I think it’s best if I just awkwardly back out of the room and remind everyone how amazing Nia’s hair looked this week.  Because it did.

On.  Point.

The girls danced and did some vocals to secure their spots in the video.  Some could sing.  Some not so much.  JoJo was so thirsty for a part in the production that she almost tackled the fake MattyB a few times before he threw himself threw a glass window to escape like a true stunt man.

And then finally…again…it was Music Video Showtime!

And Maddie was back for some reason.  I’m pretty sure they just CGI edited her back into the final scene this week for her Sia fans, because she didn’t talk or move the whole time she was standing next to Kendall in the parking lot.

The whole theme of the video shoot was a 1950s Doo Wop diner looking thing with 1940s Andrew Sisters looking hair, because we all know what a big deal rap music was to all those crazy rebellious kids from the 1940s and 1950s.

MattyB was in the hizzle now and you could literally hear a high pitched squeal almost shatter the ozone above all 50 states every time somebody put his face on screen.

hf

The girls were all dressed as waitresses and paired up with the cleanest looking greaser boys in MB varsity jackets I’ve ever seen.  MackZ ended up getting the lead waitress role while the rest of the girls were put into different on-camera tiers based on screen time and speed of delivering food to the tables while it was still hot.

As production began, Abby was now the one MIA so Melissa gave her a call to figure out her location and see what was taking her so long to get to the shoot.

The short version, since we’re going OT here:  Abby was having second thoughts about MackZ being in the video without any top billing, given her Mariah Carey pop star status and all.  Unfortunately, Melissa had already signed some kind of contract that gave away MackZ’s Star Status and First Born to MattyB and his Dad.

Abby quickly arrived at the diner, pulling Blake aside and asking him to speak with some attorney that she had sitting on hold regarding MackZ’s sumthin sumthin, but Blake was too busy to be bothered.  Plus, Melissa had already signed a different sumthin sumthin.

And Double Plus, MattyB has One Billion hits on social media and you don’t.

None of you do, actually.  How’s that feel right about now?

Then Abby gave Melissa the Stink Eye.  Big Time Stink Eye.

Abby was having second thoughts about the whole thing and was contemplating yanking all the girls out of the video, which would basically shut down the production.  Except that it was almost completed already.  And MattyB had already tweeted out the finished project to his bazillion groupies during the episode.

And it’s already up to 900,000 plus views on youtube.

Again.  Editing, people.

But Nia’s hair was amazeballs and Holly isn’t taking any more crap this season.

I guess next week we’ll see how it all works out in Part Two.

Are you ready, JoJo?

lucy


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