Posts Tagged ‘Reality TV Spoilers’

Dance Moms: It’s The Wild Wild West Coast, Part One. Turn Up The Track…MattyB Is In The ALDC Hizzle, Yo!

Wednesday, February 18th, 2015

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So proud of you for getting the lead role, Baby. I just thought Justin Bieber would be taller in person.

 

 

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I’m super excited for the Lucy & Ethel duet. Ethel Merman has always been one of my idols!

 

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If I’m sweeping for this whole video, I swear I’m gonna go completely LaQuifa on somebody’s a**.

 

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One. Billion. Views.

 

 

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No, really. Are you just gonna sit there all day or you gonna get up and get me my milkshake, lady?

 

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My life, tho.

 

 

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These chicks be straight crazy, yo.

 

 

 

 

Lights.  Camera.  Action.

Take One.  Take Two.  Take ’em all, if you want.  You can have ’em.

And while you’re at it, maybe you could send over that tiny waitress with some scrambled eggs and a side of hash browns, cuz all this Hollywood stuff is making me hungry.

Can you believe it?  It’s already the final seven days of the 2015 Los Angeles Road Trip for our Dance Moms crew.  Seems like Abby Lee Miller & Co. just arrived in California and now they’re already packing up their hair bows and plastic jewelry for the return trip home.  Time really flies when you’re singing and dancing and screaming and crying.

But don’t you worry.  There was still so much West Coast Mama Drama left to squeeze in that they had to make it a two-parter this week.  The trip that never ended.

And speaking of this whole trip.  I thought the whole point of this thing was to uproot everyone and open a shiny new studio (…“ALDC LA is happening, kids”…) and never look back at Pittsburgh, PA again.  Wasn’t that what Abby kept holding over everyone’s head all last season?  Or did I just make that part up in my head?

And was it just me, or did this whole thing kinda feel like that time when the Brady Bunch went to Hawaii?  (…For today’s performance, the role of Alice will be played by Gianna Martello…) When you saw the same people you already know, but they were all wearing different clothes and being filmed outside in the wind a lot?m

Like when you knew that Greg was probably not going to die the night that gigantic tarantula crawled onto his bed and yet the whole thing still felt a little off and secretly you couldn’t wait for them all to fly back home to Pittsburgh and just dance and have a normal meal of pork chops and apple sauce for a change.

That sentence didn’t even make sense.

But that’s probably why Holly stated more than once that the LA trip was not what she expected.  And Dr. Beyoncé always speaks the truth.  Because she is awesome sauce.

Which is even better than apple sauce.  Way better.

And thinking of Holly just made me think of Nia.  Can we discuss Nia’s hair this week?

On.  Point.  Sasha.  On.  Point.

It was definitely their last week in LA. and probably the earliest that I’ve ever gotten completely off track in a recap.  So let’s get to the Pyramid of Shame and keep this thing moving, because it’s gonna be a long one.

Maddie was MIA again as the Pyramid began.  This week she was off at Disneyland somewhere filming an episode of Austin & Ally, which I guess must be a show about two people named Austin and Ally.  I can’t watch everything out there, people.

To fill the Ziegler Void, Abby announced that she would be bringing in two additional dancers who just happened to be standing on the other side of the studio doors at that very moment.  And then right on cue, in walked former ALDC Junior Elite/Select/I Forget Which One dancer Sarah Reasons and her Mom Tracey.  

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Insert disgusted Kira Girard Face here: _________________.

Reverse Spoiler Alert:  Not sure why Kira acted so surprised to see her arch nemesis Tracey in the building since Tracey was freakin’ sitting behind them at last week’s competition.  For realz.  Right there, behind Abby’s big ol’ bouffant.

Busted.  These Lifetime post-production editors need to either start blurring out the faces of these surprise cameo guest stars or stop filming them looking over Abby’s shoulder through an entire Sheer Talent extravaganza.  Tracey’s nosey, BTW.

Last season, Sarah was known as Sarah R. to avoid any potential confusion with other similarly named, less emotionally stable dancers, but now that the show has driven away most of the Sarahs and Christis of the world, she’s just plain old Sarah again.

And hot on her heels was a brand new face to the ALDC…Brynn Rumfallo and her Mom Ashlee.  Another mortal enemy from Arizona.  Brynn kinda sorta looked like a slightly bigger version of the other not-Sarah R. and Ashlee had hair that was darker at the bottom and underneath.  I don’t know what you call that style.  (…‘So Last Year’ maybe?…)

Ouch.  Snap.  Went there.

I don’t know who’s left at Kira’s old Arizona dance studio since they’re all in California now.

And how ’bout Nia’s hair this week?  Did we already mention that?  On.  Point.

Clearly, we’re wasting too much valuable time this week, so I’ll just skip the rest of the Pyramid to speed things up.  Except for the part where Kendall was on top.  Because that’s important.  You go, gurrrl.  Well deserved.  XOXO.

My MomCrush Jill was beyond thrilled.  And she’s my MomCrush, so there’s that.

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And then JoJo cried.  And then she got kicked off the team and out of the room.  But then she pulled a quick U-turn and came bouncing right back in to apologize for crying like a little kid (…PS she is a little kid…) and for being too scared to watch an R-rated movie all by herself in a dark hotel room.

I still can’t believe Abby wanted this little squirt to watch the movie Carrie last week.  That ain’t rite.  Mom Jessalynn is already spending too much money on hair accessories and Clairol Root Touch-Up.  She doesn’t need to write another check for psychotherapy.

This week the gang was headed to Starbound National Talent Competition.  Sarah and Kalani scored a duet based on the infamous Nancy Kerrigan vs. Tonya Harding 1994 Winter Olympic ice skating fiasco.  The one where Tonya had someone bonk Nancy’s knee with a socket wrench, sending her into a crumpled mess on the floor like she had just lost the entire limb in a wood chipper.

Drama Queen much?

The other duet went to MackZ and JoJo, who were paying tribute to Lucy Ricardo and Ethel Mertz.  Not gonna lie.  Part of me hopes it’s going to be the episode where JoJo gets a giant trophy stuck on her head.

There were also two group routines to learn, but since they don’t really happen until next week we’ll just skim over those until Part Two.  The big dealio with having two dances to learn was that Abby had to bring in guest choreographer Molly Long to work with one team, while the other team (…comprised of mostly newbies…) got all of Abby’s attention.

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No wonder Holly has taken matters into her own hands nowadays.  Enough, already.  Don’t screw with a Mother’s Love.

As all the various dances were rehearsed over the next few days, the Moms were running out of patience with pretty much everything that was going down around them.  This was not the plan when the Original Recipe Moms all left Pittsburgh.  Especially the part that included New Moms in the mix.

We also got a delightful flashback to a Classic Dance Moms Moment from last season when Kira flipped out on Tracey one night when all the Old and New Moms were out having cocktails.  You remember.  It was that time when the two of them ran after each other down some random hallway while Holly hoarded every wine glass on the table and Jill and Christi wore matching fur coats.

Gah, those were good times.  I miss Chloe.

With only four days to go before competition, Abby got a surprise call from Blake Morris.

On her cell.  On speakerphone.  Because that’s how it’s done in Reality TV.

Blake is the Father/Manager of “internet artist” MattyB.  Which is totally the way he introduced himself on the phone and which is also totally the way I hope my Dad will one day have to identify himself to strangers.

Who’s MattyB, you ask?  Srsly?  Clearly, you are not a 9 year old girl if you have to ask that stupid question.

Now, before anyone spams my inbox, let me preface this by stating that I am also a cute little white boy.  So it’s ok for me to point out that MattyB is the cutest, littlest, whitest boy that youtube has ever seen.  Ever.

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And he raps, yo.  Granted, he does it in that new little white boy line of clothing from J.Crew, but when you’re 11 years old and have ONE BILLION social media hits under your nautical web belt you can freakin’ get gangsta in a Pokémon onesie for all I care.

This kid owns youtube right now.

He also owns a really good head of pre-teen/pre-DBag Justin Bieber hair.

(Spoiler alert:  Enjoy it while you can, cowboy.  Your Dad’s a really nice guy, but…)

Dad wanted the ALDC girls to audition for MattyB’s new music video.  OMG.

Nia got all giggly.  MackZ just ran in circles bumping into things.  Kendall professed her love for MattyB.  Even though he is slightly height challenged at the moment, once his voice changes and he has a spurt or two, she would be willing to revisit the possibility of marrying him and having 100 perfect-haired babies.

As soon as the introductory speakerphone call was over, Abby and Melissa were all like AwHellNahMackenzieAin’tDancingBackUpForNobodyCuzShe’sAlreadyAMusicStar until Holly casually mentioned the whole One Billion Thang and then all of the sudden they were pulling out headshots like they were popping Tic Tacs.

It was pre-tween chaos.

Quickly followed by a commercial for Born In The Wild where we got to see pixelated crotch shots of women having babies in the rain forest.

What the What?  Is nobody working in the Lifetime offices on Tuesday nights anymore?

I can’t.  I just can’t anymore.

(Check out Nia’s hair while we’re here…)nk

Finally, it was Music Video Audition Time!

Blake and Video Director Marshall Manning showed up at the studio to give the girls some deets on the upcoming audition process.  It’s nice they could take a break from their JCPenney catalog plaid shirt photo shoot, because that’s totally what they were doing before they arrived.

(Spoiler Alert:  Nobody in MattyB’s posse is allowed to tuck their shirt in.  It’s in the contract, I swear.  Check out every scene from now until the end credits.  If I’m lying I’m dying.)

I really liked Marshall.  He was all Hollywood and Boy Band and Joey Tribbiani from Friends in one neatly trimmed package.  There was a lot of good hair this week.

Marshall wanted the ‘essence of a child’ for this video, which I prayed was the dancing kind and not the kind that had just been delivered on a bed of wet pine needles in the back woods of Maine.

Go back and watch that commercial.  I just can’t in HD anymore.

The next day, choreographer Erik Saradpon joined the MattyB party to lead the auditions.  It was guest stars galore this week, I tell you.

There was also a third gentleman who was not allowed to speak or give his name who sat in between Marshall and Blake at the American Idol table, as well as a waiter from Vanderpump Rules wearing a sleeveless (…untucked…) lumberjack shirt and ski beanie who was in charge of the iPod.

But my all-time favorite dude (…maybe in the entire history of television so far…) had to be MattyB’s Stunt Man who stepped in to lip sync into an invisible microphone while shaking it like a Polaroid frat party picture.

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I swear.

Lose the pants, take away the oversized striped hoodie t-shirt and some of the underaged girls dancing backup and that’s exactly how I look in the shower every morning.  And exactly how I didn’t want that sentence to sound when it came out of my mouth.

Side note:  From now on when the conversation gets this uncomfortable I think it’s best if I just awkwardly back out of the room and remind everyone how amazing Nia’s hair looked this week.  Because it did.

On.  Point.

The girls danced and did some vocals to secure their spots in the video.  Some could sing.  Some not so much.  JoJo was so thirsty for a part in the production that she almost tackled the fake MattyB a few times before he threw himself threw a glass window to escape like a true stunt man.

And then finally…again…it was Music Video Showtime!

And Maddie was back for some reason.  I’m pretty sure they just CGI edited her back into the final scene this week for her Sia fans, because she didn’t talk or move the whole time she was standing next to Kendall in the parking lot.

The whole theme of the video shoot was a 1950s Doo Wop diner looking thing with 1940s Andrew Sisters looking hair, because we all know what a big deal rap music was to all those crazy rebellious kids from the 1940s and 1950s.

MattyB was in the hizzle now and you could literally hear a high pitched squeal almost shatter the ozone above all 50 states every time somebody put his face on screen.

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The girls were all dressed as waitresses and paired up with the cleanest looking greaser boys in MB varsity jackets I’ve ever seen.  MackZ ended up getting the lead waitress role while the rest of the girls were put into different on-camera tiers based on screen time and speed of delivering food to the tables while it was still hot.

As production began, Abby was now the one MIA so Melissa gave her a call to figure out her location and see what was taking her so long to get to the shoot.

The short version, since we’re going OT here:  Abby was having second thoughts about MackZ being in the video without any top billing, given her Mariah Carey pop star status and all.  Unfortunately, Melissa had already signed some kind of contract that gave away MackZ’s Star Status and First Born to MattyB and his Dad.

Abby quickly arrived at the diner, pulling Blake aside and asking him to speak with some attorney that she had sitting on hold regarding MackZ’s sumthin sumthin, but Blake was too busy to be bothered.  Plus, Melissa had already signed a different sumthin sumthin.

And Double Plus, MattyB has One Billion hits on social media and you don’t.

None of you do, actually.  How’s that feel right about now?

Then Abby gave Melissa the Stink Eye.  Big Time Stink Eye.

Abby was having second thoughts about the whole thing and was contemplating yanking all the girls out of the video, which would basically shut down the production.  Except that it was almost completed already.  And MattyB had already tweeted out the finished project to his bazillion groupies during the episode.

And it’s already up to 900,000 plus views on youtube.

Again.  Editing, people.

But Nia’s hair was amazeballs and Holly isn’t taking any more crap this season.

I guess next week we’ll see how it all works out in Part Two.

Are you ready, JoJo?

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Dance Moms: The ALDC Stomps The Yard When Abby Gets Served. Nobody Knows The Mama Drama I’ve Seen.

Wednesday, January 14th, 2015

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Srsly? Another parking ticket? Are you people blind? My freakin’ name’s on the damn sign.

 

 

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Everybody knows the curlier it gets, the crazier I get. And do you see these ends right now?

 

 

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Check out this loot! A Walmart truck tipped over on the highway. There was s*** everywhere!

 

 

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Side Eyes is the new Crazy Eyes, sweetie. I see you and your little crown over there. Yes, I do…

 

 

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Never understood this Bump-It thing. Is there something in there or does she just puff it up?

 

 

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Own your words and then explain what happened to all the puppies in these cages.

 

 

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Gimme Face. Flirty. Like you’re trying to bribe a civil judge. Hypothetically, of course…

 

 

 

FYI.

Don’t bother packing your ALDC sunglasses.

Trust me.  You won’t be needing them.  Not this week.

Because…oh, Hunty.  The SHADE.

You might need your Dance Moms Library card, tho.

Because, Gurrl…somebody’s ’bout to read you like an overdue book.

And now that I’ve exhausted two of my best Real Housewives of RuPaul references, let’s get the party started, shall we?  We’ve got a lot of ground to cover.

The shizzle all hit the DanceFan in the first four seconds of this week’s episode when a proud member of the Pennsylvania Judicial System showed up at the ALDC front desk to serve Abby Lee Miller with papers.  Legal papers.  Scary legal papers.

Yup.  Kelly and Paige‘s big TMZ lawsuit.

The producers tried to blur his face out like they do Melissa‘s mouth when she swears, but you could still tell that the Court Officer looked like one of the little old men they always put into Pixar movies.  He probably plays chess in the park when he’s not telling people they’re getting sued.  Or ties balloons to his house and flies over the Grand Canyon.

He managed to zig zag his way around a studio full of cameramen and production people all bumping into each other, handed off the paperwork and then told Abby to have a nice day.  Which was hilarious, considering the way the rest of her day would actually go now.

Side note:  There were a lot of random, panicked behind the scenes people tripping over each other and walking in front of the cameras this week.  A lot.

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It was like the old Bugs Bunny cartoon when they would all try to put on a song and dance show (…“Night of  Nights!”…) but the camera tripods would keep tipping over and spot lights would crash down from the ceiling right before one of those fuzzy microphones on a stick came swinging into a shot.

Like that.  But without the talking rabbit or anyone taking an anvil to the head.

Not yet, anyway.

Abby was so distraught after the officer left that she ran out into the parking lot and was met up by all the Moms and their tiny dancers.  They couldn’t believe what just went down.

Melissa was all like WhatHappenedWhatHappened?  Holly was all like ShutUpNoWay.  Jill was all like AwHellNahKelly.  (My MomCrush looking on point, BTW.)

 And I was all like WhyDoesAbbyNeedHerOwnParkingSpotWithASign?

Side note:  You can tell that Holly is one of those people who refuses to make two trips into the house with her groceries, because she was carrying more stuff in the parking lot than she could handle.  Purse, water bottle, phone, something under her arm, hot rollers, dance bag, half of Nia‘s junk and who knows what else.  Love her.

After some tears and a closer look at Dr. Beyoncé’s new on-trend eye makeup palette, everyone headed inside for the Pyramid of Shame.  Everyone except Kira and Kalani, that is, who were late.  Yup.  Late.  On their second week back at the ALDC.

According to my excel spreadsheet (…because I keep track of these kind of things, you know…) it was right about here that Holly began her week of Not Taking Any Crap No Mo’.

Emotions had already been running high this season (…all one episode of it…) thanks to the loss of Christi and Chloe and the residual fall out of a dwindling team.  All the Moms were on edge and trying hard to process this new reality while balancing the needs of what was best for their children with the potential move to ALDC LA.

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Sticking up for yourself.  Sticking up for your child.  Standing strong for your beliefs.

Whatever you want to call it.  Just don’t say I didn’t warn you.

Back inside, K & K showed up.  Apparently, they don’t have traffic lights in Arizona.

Kalani always looks so smiley and pretty, even when Holly checked her watch like a Hall Monitor.  Once a principal, always a principal, I guess.

Bottom of the Pyramid was a Ziegler Tag Team.  Maddie and Mackenzie.  I think Mackenzie was down there because her old pouty, kissy-face headshot didn’t match her new gangstah MackZ persona.  And it doesn’t really matter where Maddie is on the Pyramid anymore because she danced with Sia.

Twice.

Which is two more times than you have.

Middle tier was home to Nia and Kendall, with Kalani coming in on top.  Clearly, punctuality is not a determining factor in Pyramid placement.

This week the gang was headed to Detroit for the Energy Dance Competition, which was home to former ALDC Dance Mom and (…alleged…) current ALDC Stalker Jeanette Cota and her daughter Ava.

You remember them.  Ava was the one who got cut from the new ALDC Team last season and never knew it.  The one who got cut and then kept showing up for work like she was some kind of tenured university professor or something.

We liked them.  You know how I roll.  The crazier the better.

Maddie and Kalani both scored solos.  Something that Abby called The Match-Up of the Century.  Like it was a pay-per-view Maddie vs. Kalani Cage Fight or something.  av

Something that the entire world had been waiting for.

Umm.  No disrespect intended, because both girls can dance, but I think there are probably a few other things going on in the world right now that might knock their one night only Death Match off the CNN scroll.  But whatever, Abby.

It didn’t really matter, because the big deal was going to be a ‘Stomp The Yard’ group dance based on the redoinkulously popular Orange Is The New Black television show.  Every one went nuts when they heard the news.  Except for Holly, who was saving all her nuts so she could completely lose them all at once later in the episode.

Again, don’t say I didn’t warn you.

Up in the MomPerch, Holly was just getting warmed up as she confronted Kira.  She nailed Kalani’s Mom on tardiness, on thinking she was more special than she was and for jumping on and off the ALDC Mothership whenever the mood struck her.

One:  I live for this new background music that the producers have snuck into these scenes.  How much do you think they had to pay Survivor and Days of Our Lives for those little snippets?

And Two:  Holly ’bout made me fall back into my pew a few times up there.

Preach, Girl.  Just Preach.

The next day, Abby must have heard me, because all the girls were back in the studio to get new head shots before they left for Hollywood.

The short version of the story is that Maddie, MackZ and Kalani got more camera time than the other girls, even though Abby had committed to a strict no-exceptions 15 minute limit for everyone.  Melissa brought more clothes for one class picture than two little girls should even own and yet the only thing that really surprised me was that Casa Ziegler doesn’t have color-coordinated hangers from the Container Store.

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I don’t know why, but I just imagined Melissa as being the kind of person who has all matchy-matchy hangers at home, so I was really surprised when she showed up with two arm loads of mismatched tops from Goodwill.  Where do you even get wire hangers?

Naturally, when it came time for Nia’s shot, Abby left the room and Holly made a HollyFace.  Or two.  Or a million.

But Nia rocked it.  Give that girl some lip gloss and a paper clip and she could break into a bank.  You go, Sasha.  You just go.

Did I mention that Abby whispered to the Head Shot Lady that Maddie, MackZ and Kalani were the only three that would get jobs in the future?  Because she did.  And some other Moms heard it.  Yikes.

Back in the MomPerch, we learned that Kira creeps other people’s Facebook pages and Melissa got an email from Elle Magazine.  Initially, I wasn’t too impressed since I get those subscription emails all the time, until she clarified that they wanted Maddie for a photo spread and article.

Fine.  You win.  Again.

And then Holly got the most random call from Jeanette.  Because if you’re going to stalk people, it’s important that you have all their contact information loaded into your blocked cell phone at all times, right?

Wait.  What?

Jeanette let Holly know that what Abby did to her daughter was sooooo wrong and that she was coming for her.  And then they played some more Days of Our Lives music.

Finally, it was Showtime!

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What happened to the ALDC’s matching Louis bags?  Remember those?  Everyone was walking into Detroit with Forever 21 sacks and whatever else they could find in the house.

And how about Jeanette and that Broadway Dance Academy Welcome Team?  And that one girl who didn’t get the memo to wear her Sound of Music/Children of the Corn hair braids?  Did you see that?

They were too young to be Stepford Wives, but if they were older they would have totally been Stepford Wives.  Not creepy at all.

To stir things up before the show even got started, Jeanette busted right into the ALDC makeup room with a lady that I’m pretty sure was Phoebe from the TV show Friends.  Or at least Phoebe’s Mom or older sister.  How freaky was that?

There was some screaming back and forth and then Abby called out Phoebe for wearing a top that was longer than the jacket she had chosen as a layering piece, because when you’re going down in a fight you grab for any gun you can find, I guess.

Side note:  I didn’t have the heart to tell Abby that Isaac Mizrahi was just on QVC last week saying that longer shirts were so NOW, darling.  Really.  Am I right?

Since Abby didn’t trust Jeanette’s backstage antics anymore than she trusted her friend’s fashion sense, she followed her ALDC Team into the wings to watch the solos from a new vantage point.  All the other dance companies got a little giggly and spent more time watching Abby yell across the stage than they did watching their own team.  There were so many people back there.  Totally above fire code.

Not gonna lie.  I even thought I saw the Bring It! girls for a second and almost lost it.

DD4L!

And where do they get these judges?  And why haven’t I been asked to guest judge yet?  I swear one of them was from that Toni Braxton show.  And the other one had on the same outfit that Prince wore when I saw him in concert.

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Ava’s solo was nothing but legs.  She is so tall.  Holy tall, Batman.  Or maybe she just has really long legs.  Kira called her a praying mantis, which was kind of mean in a truthfully kind of mean way.  But you really shouldn’t pick on kids.

Kalani’s solo kinda sorta reminded me of Brooke‘s old acrobatic routines every once in awhile.  Except that Kira’s hands didn’t have third degree hot glue gun burns on them like Kelly’s.  These Moms are clearly not making their kid’s costumes anymore.

Quick pause here to mention how much we miss them Hylands.  Hey, girls.

Maddie’s solo was a Maddie solo that was supposed to be based on Abby’s current situation(s) but it completely went over my head.  It was a Maddie dance.  And it was good.  And she’s really  grown up since last season.

Then Jeanette stormed the castle again, but instead of Phoebe from Friends I think she brought that makeup lady Adrien Arpel from HSN.

Or it could have been Gina, the owner of Energy Dance.  But she sure looked like Adrien.  And honestly, if either of them can really take five years off the wrinkles in my face without a needle, I don’t care how severely blunt their bangs are.

Jeanette accused Abby of harassing her daughter backstage.  Blah to the blah to the blah.

But, seriously.  Can we talk about that group number?  Dang.

Orange is the New Black, yo.  It was off the ankle shackle chain.

Granted, you knew Nia would end up with the bantu knots in her hair.  But it was better than the Halloween afros Abby used to plop on her head and I got to learn what a bantu knot was called.  And when did Nia grow up and get so sassy?  Hashtag TeamNia.

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Nia wrecked the stage.  Like it was Dance Off: The Sequel.  Even Maddie toughened up, which was pretty exciting since I wasn’t sure how much longer I could go watching her end every one of her dances in that same glamour shot pose.

Unfortunately, they couldn’t end the whole thing on a high note.  When the scores were handed out, Abby felt the competition was rigged and everything fell apart.

Backstage, Abby asked Kendall to walk into the room the same way she would walk into a Hollywood casting call office.  Kendall failed the test and then…yeah.

Boom.

Abby called Jill a Bad Mother.  Kendall cried.  Nia stood up for all the girls in the room.

And then Holly lost all her stored up nuts.  All at once.

I don’t blame her.  But I can’t do it justice.

Sometimes you just gotta stand up for what you believe in.  Especially if someone sticks their hand in your cave and tries to hurt your babies.

It went down.  All the way Down.  Town.

Maybe some time in the future when I’m not so emotionally drained we can discuss it in depth.  Especially the part where the entire Lifetime production crew ran out of the room like someone had just pulled the fire alarm.  They know Holly don’t play.

But not now.

And probably not next week.

I need to mentally prepare myself for the upcoming episode.

Because this is totally happening…

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Dance Moms: Miss Abby Is Getting Her Freak On As Season Five Begins. The ALDC (PA & LA) Is Back In Business!

Wednesday, January 7th, 2015

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Shut. Up. These are the best Sour Patch Gummy Worms I’ve ever had. I can’t even feel my face.

 

 

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My hair’s on point. My makeup’s totally on point. My outfit’s on point. And you give me three lines this week? WTF?

 

mz

 

 

I miss them too. I’m just saying look at all the extra room we have now. We can finally lay down.

 

 

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Siri: What was the name of that crazy kid with the gigantic hair bows on my other show? Quick!

 

 

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Srsly. How the hell is a normal person supposed to reach the top of a 6Plus with one thumb?

 

 

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On second thought, maybe I will give this chick a pass. Like right out the front door and into the parking lot.

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Honestly, I’ve never heard of Christi. But when a volcanic ash pandemic hits, is it really gonna matter?

 

 

Finally.

Freakin’ Finally.

Freakin’ Freak Show Finally.

(See what I did there?  Three months off and I still got it…)

Dance Moms is back!  Not very many of them.  But they’re back.

The crowd had definitely thinned out a bit since the last time we saw everyone.  Maybe more than a bit, actually, because you could literally count them all on one hand as the new competition season began this week.  Which…not gonna lie…is kind of a Win Win situation for me and my bag of Cheeto’s on Tuesday Snack Night.

But it was still Dance Mom(s) plural.  For now anyway.  And lucky for us, the ones that were left all decided to come back for the premiere of Season Five and didn’t waste any time getting right to the Mama Drama.

As soon as the new 2.5 second opening credit title card clanked down like some kind of subliminal guillotine (…Wait.  What?  No more Living On The Dance Floor?…) three things were glaringly apparent.

One:  Abby Lee Miller was going to save a lot of money heating and cooling the ALDC studio this year now that only three Moms are opening and closing that front door all day.

Seriously.  Remember last year when the Original Recipe Moms and the New and Improved Moms and all their Original Select and Junior Select and Elite Select and Junior Elite Super Uber Select kids were all propping that thing open trying to get past the front desk log jam?  I’ll never understand why some of them didn’t just crawl in the window to speed up the process.  The show’s only an hour, people.n

Two:  I’m never going to be as smart as that girl in the Child Genius promo who spelled that thing you get if you stand too close to a volcano when it erupts.

And Three:  This was going to be the Darker Side of Dance Moms.  At least for a few episodes.  Which means we should probably address the Elephant in the Room now and then get to the good stuff.

Gone are the days when the most emotionally traumatizing scene in an episode involved Brooke Hyland taking a pie in the face.  The shizz just got real up in here, yo.

Now Brooke is gone.  Paige is gone.  Kelly is gone.  Christi is gone.  Chloe is gone.

There was a lot of (…edited or nah?…) Christi & Chloe bashing as the games began this week, but you know by now I’m only here for the giggles.  I loved Chloe and her little Cabbage Patch Doll eyes, which I thought were just fine.  And her Mom is so crazy that she needs to be my new BFF asap now that she has all this extra time on her hands.

Everyone else can fight this one out online and get it out of their system, because…honestly…I have so many passwords on my cell phone already that I can’t even imagine having to remember another one just to get into some Gymboree Chatroom and talk smack about Mothers from Pittsburgh.

Which also reminds me that this week’s episode was brought to us by our friends at the Apple Store, because everyone had a new iPhone.

As the Few and the Proud filed in for the first Season Five Pyramid of Shame, the studio had either gotten bigger over the break or there really was nobody left in the building.

My MomCrush Jill went on and on about how skinny Abby was (…and there did seem to be less of her than I remember from Season Four…) but I’m not really sure if she actually got smaller or her hair is just getting bigger, because Ms. Miller is starting to look like Priscilla Presley on her Wedding Day.am

Step away from the hot rollers and nobody will get hurt, ma’am.

Side note:  Not nearly enough Jill Time this week.  Needed to be said.  Love her.

Apparently, nobody had heard anything from Christi or Chloe since that big chaotic hallway blow-up at Nationals, which I thought was odd since the girls had been such Instagrammably (…did I just make up a word?…) tight buddies for the last four years.

But again…take it outside or take it to another chat room, thank you.

Bottom of the Pyramid was reserved for Kendall and Chloe.  It made me sad to see Chloebird’s picture knowing that she wasn’t even there.

Fresh off the outrageously successful International Year Of The Nia that I predicted, BTW (…Yaaaaaaaas, Gurl!  First Place tiara!…) Nia was keeping Mackenzie or Mackdoodle or MackZ or whatever her name is this week company on the middle row, which meant Maddie was on top already.

So to recap:  Maddie didn’t dance a solo and Chloe doesn’t even get a Dance Moms paycheck anymore, but they were both on the Pyramid.  I fully expect to see my headshot scotchtaped to the mirror next week if this is how Abby’s gonna play it this year.

For their first race out of the gate this season, the ALDC gang was headed to Sheer Talent Competition in Niagara Falls, which my Macbook spellcheck somehow just auto-corrected to ‘Viagra’ and now I’m horrified that someone will think I Googled it on purpose.

Kendall, Nia and Chloe all scored solos this week, which was a little awkward since one of them wasn’t actually in the building at the time of the announcement.  I wasn’t sure if I was supposed to call Chloe at home and let her know or how that was going to work out on stage.  Not my problem, I guess.mk

The group routine was a circus freak kind of thang, based on the American Horror Story: Freak Show phenomenon.  I’ve never actually watched the show, probably because it conflicts with something on Bravo or Lifetime.  But everyone at work loves it.

And they’re all freaks.  So, yeah.

As four tiny girls ran around in a gigantic empty studio, the Moms hit the MomPerch and didn’t quite know what to do with themselves.

You know how when you stay in a hotel and they have a super king-sized bed that is like five times the size of yours at home and you don’t know what else to do but roll all around it because you can…?  It was like that up on the MomPerch couch.

Jill, Holly and Melissa kind of looked like they just missed the 39 Bus and were the only three people left on the bench.

Srsly.  How much do we love Holly?  She got new eyeliner.

Since no one had heard anything from Christi in three months, Jill decided to try and call Chloe’s Mom on her redoinkulously BeDazzled iPhone (…seriously, Gurl…how you get dat thing through a TSA checkpoint?…) which allowed the cameraman ample opportunity to awkwardly linger somewhere between Jill’s cellphone and her cleavage way longer than he should have for a show about little children who can dance.

Not that I’m complaining, of course.  Cuz you know I love me some Jill Vertes.  Maybe I just need to cut back on my Niagara when she’s on screen.

Snap.  Went there.

Naturally, the call went unanswered, which made me wonder how it’s possible that Christi never bothered to set up her voice mail the whole time she was on the show.  You had four years, honey.  Either take it to the Genius Bar or tell the post-production editing department to stop making you look like a raging bitch.

Snap.  That’s twice now.  And it’s only the premiere.

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Somewhere around this point was when Abby realized that four little girls barely even qualify for the Group Routine category, so she picked up her new iPhone (…no wonder nobody else could get the Gold one…Lifetime snarffed ’em all up…) and placed a mystery call to somebody, asking if they could fly out to Pittsburgh and join the party.

Conveniently enough, Kalani Hilliker and her Mom Kira have their own private jet because I swear they were both walking through the studio door before Abby even hung up on them.  Dr. Beyoncé was all like AwHellNah and Jill was all like SayWhat? and then Melissa had her first Eye Twitch of Season Five.

And my Twitter feed got all ‘Molegate.’  Again.

Really?  I’m not doing this for another 32 episodes, people.  I can’t.  I don’t know what happened to it.  It was there.  And then it was gone.  And now it was kinda sorta back again, but not really.  I just can’t.  One season was enough.

Beyond all that hysteria, there was a lot of stress juice leaking from every one of the Moms this week.  I think they were probably just reacting to all the changes and the fact that the Original Recipe Mom Team was no more.  It’s sad to lose your friends, so I don’t think all the negativity up in the Perch was coming from an intentionally mean place.

Holly chewed on Kira a little bit.  Jill snarked on Christi’s Social Media skills.  (Since Christi won’t follow me on Twitter, bonus points were given to Jill on this one just because…)

And then I’m pretty sure Melissa accused Kelly of still using dial-up.  Apparently the Hyland household isn’t wired for high speed internet because Melissa totally trash talked Kelly’s computer skills like she still had tin foil wrapped around her bunny ear TV antennas or something.

Somehow the girls even managed to get a little rehearsing in before leaving for Niagara Falls, which gave skinny Abby time to yell at them just like not-as-skinny Abby used to do.

And then finally, it was Showtime!

And time for this woman.  Who just gave me Life.

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No clue who she is.  But she was into it.  Into.  It.

And it was also time for Paige Hyland to slap a lawsuit on Abby, citing mental abuse and unlawful working conditions during her tenure at the ALDC.  You already know the scoop on that one.  TMZ milked that cow dry when it first happened.  They just didn’t tell us it happened on the day the remaining Moms and kids were piling onto a bus.

Side note:  They showed that flashback clip where Paige is standing all by herself in the studio looking like a kid whose Mom just abandoned her in the mall on Christmas Eve.  I hate that clip.

I’m going to assume that everyone went to a hotel first, because when the bus pulled up to the venue Abby had even bigger hair than when she left Pittsburgh and nobody was wearing the same clothes they had on when they put their luggage in the trunk.  There’s no way they could have done that kind of transformation in one tiny bus bathroom.

As usual, the waiting crowd went bonkers.  There were a few ‘I Heart Chloe’ signs that looked like they were glitter glued and painted by the same intern who does all the America Idol audience posters, but whatever.

I missed where the actual event took place, but it looked like an old Costco because everyone was in folding chairs on one flat cement floor, trying to see around the person in front of them.  If I had driven ten hours to Niagara Falls just to look at the back of Abby Lee Miller’s hair I would be soooo not happy.

Kendall’s solo was awesome.  She was like Sheena of the Jungle with a spear and everything.  First Place!

Nia came in Second Place, but scored the top spot as far as I was concerned because she rocked a Roy Lichtenstein costume that made her look like she had just jumped off the cover of the latest issue of Marvel Comic’s SuperNia.

Power of:  Death Drop.  Let’s go fight crime.  And be sassy while we do it, mmmkay?

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Holly’s HollyFaces when Nia dances, tho.

Kalani channeled Austin Powers Girlfriend during her/Chloe’s routine.

She came in Second in her division.  Probably because she didn’t wear The Beard.

Because she totally wore The Beard for the Freak Show group routine later in the event and the ALDC came in First Place.  I’m not saying Kalani’s not a good dancer.  I’m just saying that when I was in third grade a kid sang a made-up song in a construction paper hat dressed as Abraham Lincoln and won First Prize, too, so facial hair seems to be the common denominator if you want to snatch some trophies for your case.

And then it got a little odd, because the emcee/director/Ryan Seacrest guy took the mic and let the entire audience know how much Sheer Talent loves and supports Abby.

Not for nothing.  That was nice of him, I guess.  But honestly, if I was the owner of Miss Clementine’s School of Tap and Jazz Handing and was going home with a couple of 9th place trophies and a bunch of kids with sore feet and bad attitudes, I’m not so sure I’d want to sit there and hear about how amazing my competition was when I had a 5 hour drive ahead of me.

And then Ryan Seacrest even called Abby up on stage where she started this impromptu motivational BeTheBestYouCanBe speech that I swear would have ben accompanied by Nia’s Maya Angelou Dance if she could have gotten all the polka dots off her face in time.

So, yeah.

Moral of the Story:  The kids still love to dance.  And the Moms still love their kids.

Dance Moms is back.

Freakin’ Finally.

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