Posts Tagged ‘Selena and Sunjai’

Bring It!: Hey, Girl…So You Wanna Be A Dancing Doll? Well, Take A Number. And Don’t Forget The Baked Goods.

Friday, July 25th, 2014

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Dat’s rite, haters. Pat yo’ weaves and shake in your boots. Cuz Miss Seloncé is back, mmmkay?

 

 

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You just whip that Brazilian Bundle and let me handle the rest. Mama’s got cupcakes in the car.

 

 

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Seriously. That is freakin’ hilarious.

 

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I really shouldn’t be eating all this pizza, cuz you know some Krazy will bring in snacks tomorrow.

 

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I don’t know if it’s my Mama or my new pink headband, but something is giving me stress right now.

 

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I’m just saying that I know you have tasty cupcakes in the trunk. And I can see your car from here.

 

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I’m not naming any names, but some of these edges are hanging on like Titanic passengers.

 

 

 

Buck, yeah.

DD4L is B.A.C.K.!

Let’s be real.  Four months ago I didn’t know that the elite world of hip hop majorette competitions even existed.  Don’t get me wrong…I could probably sound it out and bluff my way through a Jeopardy question, but that’s about as far as I could go on the subject.

Flash forward four months and now I’m pretty much an expert.  Ask me anything.  I’m also fairly certain that I could audition and make it through Stand Battle cuts despite the fact that a silver fringed, one legged leotard isn’t really my best look.  Not my worst, thank you very much.  But not my best.

Which makes for a nice, albeit visually disturbing, segue into the return of Bring It!

Lifetime’s overnight sensation blockbuster was back this week with (…depending on who you ask…) the second part of their first season.  Or a brand new second season.  I’m not really sure.  Lifetime Televsion has a bad habit of turning one season into a first half, second half, mid-season, unseen footage, summer premiere kind of thing.  So I don’t really know what I just watched.

Just ask my Dance Moms friends.  They’re all coming back next week and I guarantee you that none of them will have a clue what episode # it is until they open their DVDs on Christmas morning.

But regardless, Dianna “Miss D” Williams and the Dancing Dolls are back!  With a vengeance.  And that’s all that matters.

The last time we saw Miss D and the Dolls, they had just lost out at the Battle Royale to their arch rivals the Divas of Olive Branch.

After hooching up the DOB’s routine earlier in the season (…Pinocchio Stank, anyone?…) Coach Neva McGruder had dialed down the Olive Branch’s Pepe le Puppet Pew a few notches at the Battle Royale and taken the top prize away from the Dolls.

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Not cool.

So now Miss D was back with a new attitude.  And maybe even some new dancers on the team.  Because it was audition time:  Dancing Doll Tryouts!

As a stampede of wannabe Dolls lined the Dollhouse Dance Factory sidewalk and pushed the interior of the building way over Jackson Fire Code Occupancy Limits, Dianna and Captain Kayla laid out the plan for the two day Tryout Camp.  The Dolls had lost too many competitions last season, and now Dianna wanted more from every girl.  A lot more.

And you know she meant business, because anyone who has a scotch tape dispenser shaped like a red stiletto means business.  Clearly, when it comes to office supplies and Dancing Dolls, Miss D don’t play.

As Kayla and Dianna got the auditions rolling inside, all our favorite Mamas were outside still trying to peek through the cracks in the window blinds.

All my girls were back.  And they were all nervously pacing the perimeter of the building, because just like the New England Patriots and the Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders, everyone has to audition for their spot on the team every year.  No positions are guaranteed, which meant that every one of their daughters had to Buck or Die all over again this season.

Neighborhood Watch Captain Mimi was as hyper as always, pinging off the walls like some Foxwoods pinball machine.  When Pixar comes out with the animated version of this show they can pretty much just use the same face she already has it’s so pliable.

Love her.

It’s Rittany Bitch was as tightly wound as the ten pounds of braid on her head.  If you squinted, she kind of looked like a Dairy Queen soft serve with all that tasty goodness wrapped around and around on the top of the cone.  We love her, too.

She don’t play, either, btw.

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Tina was still rocking her signature red hair, but this version appeared to be attached a little more securely than the one she yanked off and slammed on the sidewalk that time she threw down with Seloncé.

And speaking of.  Phew.  Selena finally showed up.

After getting all up in Dianna’s grill at the Battle Royale, nobody was certain that Sunjai‘s Mama was going to return.  But she did.  And she made it clear that if her daughter didn’t make the team this time around, she would go crazy.  Which is kind of hysterically ironic, since she’s already crazy.

But it’s the good kind of crazy.  Not the Walmart-slam a shopping cart into the side of your car because you took my space-kind of crazy.  She’s definitely the good kind of crazy.

We love Seloncé and Tina, too, just to be clear.

This time around there was also a new Mama on the scene.  Angelisa.

She’s Tamia‘s Mama.  Tamia was around last season, but I’m not sure if they actually ever said her name out loud.  Somebody pointed out that Tamia was Camryn‘s main competition for the available Head Co-Captain position while Angelisa was wearing one of those heat-pressed photo tee shirts you can buy on the boardwalk at the booth next to the curly fry place.  That’s really all the important stuff.

Back inside, Dianna put everyone through the choreography they would be performing at their final audition.  It was pretty basic.  Some girls got it right away.  Some girls poked their own eyes out.  And one white girl made all of Twitter freeze up and go Wait…What?

I swear.  It happened.  And I can point that out without being judged, because I’m a white boy who has days when I’m almost a white girl.  So there.  You go, girl.

There were also a number of open positions available on the team.  Too many, actually.  I lost track after the first ten or twenty.  Captains.  Co-Captains.  Drill Masters.  Head Drill Masters.  So many chefs in the kitchen.  It didn’t help that Dianna whipped them all off so fast that I had to pause my DVR.

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Then it was off to the pizza shack with Miss D and Mimi, because everyone knows that you can’t do a Reality TV show without a little nosh.

I think they were discussing their friendship and Dianna’s (…alleged…) favoritism towards Mimi, as well as the whole Tamia vs. Camryn thang, but I was so distracted by how fast the pizza came that I forgot to pay attention.

I mean, really.  I don’t know if it was bad editing or if their waiter was actually the Flash from DC Comics, but one minute they were both sitting there with nothing but two diet cokes and the next minute Dianna’s almost finished with her pizza.

Whoa.  Chew your food, girlfriend.

While Mimi and Miss D inhaled their pepperonis, we scooted over to Rittany’s house to watch her relive her golden years as an All-American Cheerleader.  F’realz.

Wearing THE best DD4L tee shirt they’ve shown yet (…”I Roll With Dat”…) Rittany busted out some football cheers for Crystianna that pretty much gave me life.  LIFE, hunty.  My girl clearly loves her dancing.  And her Michael’s craft store wall decals, because that living room had quotes and/or floral sumthin sumthins all over da hizzle.

And now I kinda want to live with them.

Day Two of Tryout Camp kicked off with some serious butt kissing as Angelisa showed up with a gigantic box of cupcakes for Dianna.  The fancy kind.  The box had fake gift wrap ribbons printed on the lid so you know she didn’t do drive-thru.  Dianna snatched them right outta her paws, but then pointed out that a purse or a couple bags of weave would have scored Angelisa more points.

And while we’re on the subject, can we just address the elephant in the room?

The shower caps?

I’ve always admitted to knowing nothing about weaves and extensions beyond what I learned on Bravo and VH1.  But even I know that you don’t wear a shower cap out in public, fercryinoutloud.  Unless, of course, you’re the one actually slamming those shopping carts into people’s cars over by the outdoor part of the store where they sell lawnmowers and light-up Santas.  Then you probably do wear shower caps.  And proudly.

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So can we not send anymore hate mail every time I jokingly point out that someone is wearing a shower cap?  I know it’s not really a shower cap, people.  Gah.  If you really ended up on this site looking for anything even remotely accurate, you need to switch from Google to Bing asap.

Thank you for your attention to this important shower cap PSA.  Especially since someone was wearing a nice pink one at the auditions that caught my eye.

But before we actually hit those auditions and found out who made the final cuts, we had a momentary downer over at Mimi’s house when Camryn got a rejection letter from Power APAC…that Kids From Fame kinda place that she applied to last season.

It’s their loss, Peanut.  Screw them and their stupid school.  Plus, you already have a glossy full color poster with your name on it up on your wall.  Did anyone else see that?

Totes Jealz.

Finally, it was Tryout Time!  At The Tougaloo College Campus.  I have no clue where that is, but it’s fun to say.  I bet their Fight Song is a riot.

After Twitter unfroze for the second time in one night (…thank you, Miss D’s belly button…) the wannabe Dolls and original recipe Dolls all hit the court floor.  Camryn busted it out.  Crystianna struggled a little.  Sunjai did amaze balls, so it didn’t look like Seloncé would need to raise the Homeland Security Crazy Level to Orange or Red.

All in all, the group routines went well.

Side note:  I want one of those “Brought It” shirts that Mimi and Calvin were wearing.

And I’m a size Medium, fyi.

The solo tryouts were when the nail biting really began.

Crystianna started out like a rockstar, but then froze in the middle of her routine.  When they started to play that slow music they used to play on Toddlers & Tiaras when the little nuggets stopped dead mid-finger kiss, I knew it wasn’t a good sign.

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She eventually recovered and wrecked the place, but I had a feeling it might have been too little too late.

Camryn started out with a slow, jazzy kind of swagger and then ended up going so fast that it blurred my HD screen.  You Betta Work B**ch.  And get yo’ Mama under control because she almost knocked Seloncé right outta her seat when she jumped up in the air during her Victory Pose.  That’s My Baby!!!!!!!

Did I forget to mention that Camryn also threw about 30 seconds of major shade at Tamia when she pointed out the key differences between executing proper ballet technique and just flicking your hair like you’re grinding on the hood of a Mustang in a music video?

Because she totally did that and it was awe-some.

Oh, snap.  Yeeeeeaaaah.  I think she gets it from her Mama.

Then it was Tamia’s turn to shine.  That girl can move.  And flick it.  My neck still hurts a little.  And then it all came down to Hair vs. Lyrical.  Experience vs. Potential.

And cupcakes vs. a Michael Kors bag.

Before Rittany flat lined and had to be carried out of the auditorium, Dianna announced the results.

All our girls made the Dancing Dolls team again this season.  No real surprise there.

Crystianna, despite her momentary blackout, made Drill Master.  Tamia and all her big hair made Head Co-Captain.  Camryn made regular Co-Captain, even though I still don’t know the difference.  But she’s young and has years to prove herself and explain the position to the rest of us.

Kayla is still Captain.  Miss D still don’t like colored lipstick.

And you still ain’t Nicki Minaj.

Yup.  Bring It! is back, y’all.

DD4L!

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Bring It! Bonus: A Jackson Quickie. Go Behind The Battles And Let Dianna Get You All Caught Up On The Good Stuff.

Saturday, May 17th, 2014

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Srsly?

No more Bring It!…?

Aw Hell Nah.  Now what?

Psych.  We wouldn’t leave you hanging.

There was a little bit of milk left in the cow this week, so Lifetime squeezed out one more serving just to get us through until Dianna Williams & Co. return for Round Two.

Miss D gave us a behind the scenes opportunity to catch up on everything that’s been going on down at the Dollhouse Dance Factory since they burst onto our television screens.  For only ten episodes they sure have covered a lot of ground.

Most of it apparently just going back and forth to Memphis, but you get the idea.

But I know you’re all busy.

So with apologies to my girls, here’s the entire first season of Bring It! in under two minutes.  Probably less for those of you who always skim my stuff anyway.

You know who you are.

A Jackson Quickie, so to speak.  But the clean non-puppet kind.

No Stinky Divas.  No fluff.  No filler.  Just the meaty Mississippi goodness.  All in short, easy to follow sniglets for you Twitter types who are already losing your focus.

#BringIt101

The Dancing Doll Parents.

Proof that with unconditional love, total support and some pretty fly silk screened t-shirts your kids can follow their dreams no matter where they lead.

Nobody loves you like yo’ Mama and yo’ Baby Daddy.

And I wear a size Medium if anybody wants to hook a brother up.  Red’s my color.

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The Dancing Dolls.

Without them, the DDPs wouldn’t have much to do.

So shout out to Kayla, Camryn, Sunjai and Crystianna…the girls who help make it all happen every time their Team hits the floor.

And PS…it’s not “Dee Dee Four EL.”

It’s “DD4ELLLLLLLLLL!!”  Mmmkay?

Duh.

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And how about those Mamas?

Insane.  But the good kind of insane.

Wearing weaves and headgear made out of material previously only available to NASA scientists, these ladies can show us all a thing or two about family values and losing your nutty at an awards ceremony.

Trust me.  They’ll snatch yo’ wig and yo’ heart if you’re not careful.

Love.  Them.  Dotcom.

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The Baby Dancing Dolls.

Shut.  Up.

I don’t know what’s in those juice boxes, but these little niblets can lay it down like nobody’s bidnezz once the music starts playing.

Proving that you can never have too many Kaylas in your life, Captain K2 can throw Stands like it’s her day job.  If she was old enough to work, I mean.

And sassy, spunky OhNoSheBetterDon’t Taelar?

She is Slap Yo’ Mama cute.

And maybe yo’ Mama’s Mama, too.  I just can’t.

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But it wasn’t all just dancing.

We also got fashion tips from the Prancing Tigerettes.

Clearly, I have yet to master the Jerseylicous/Pee Wee Herman combo platter.

Even though Obama doesn’t carry his phone around as much as Quincy does, this dude is straight up awesome sauce.

Call me, buddy.  It’s in your right ear if you’re looking for it.

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And this happened a lot.

pupSo there have it.

Everything you missed.  Kinda.  Sorta.

Now we just enjoy the summer and wait for Miss D and the gang to buck back into our lives again.  Hopefully sooner than later.

Catch y’all at the next Battle.

Wave Buh Bye, Taelar.

DD4L.

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Bring It!: We Got Baby Daddies In The Dollhouse And Sunjai In Stilettos. It’s A Michael Jackson Memphis Thriller!

Saturday, April 5th, 2014

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They wanna know why he’s always wearing that Sprint earpiece even when there’s no damn cell service inna gym.

 

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We show up. We win. That’s pretty much how we do, mmmkay?

 

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Daddy gotta work again this weekend. Those crazy a** red wigs ain’t gonna pay for themselves.

 

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You know Imma standing right here and can totally hear everything you say, right? Srsly, Boo.

 

 

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Dang, Boyeeee. She just played you like a refurbed Xbox 360.

 

 

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Baby, it don’t matter there’s no lenses in these glasses when you look like a hot Librarian Beyoncé.

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Lawd, dat gurl. Next thing you know she’ll be walking in with a giant bag of Payless shoes.

 

 

 

Seriously.

How much do we love this show?

I mean Love.  This.  Show.

And I’m not even talking about the positive role modeling or messages of high self esteem and confidence that Dianna Williams instills in all her Dolls on a daily basis.

That’s like a given.  And it’s beyond awesome.

I’m talking about how much bucking fun the whole thing is every episode.

And this week was no exception as Bring It! brought it once again.

Whether you like your TV Old Skool or New Skool, there was a little sumthin sumthin for everyone this time around as the Dancing Dolls got ready to hit Memphis for another face off with their arch rivals the Prancing Tigerettes.  Crossing state lines into Enemy Territory, the girls would need to pull out all the big guns if they wanted to bring home another trophy, which meant that both the moves and the Moms needed to be on point this week.

Starting with Seloncé, who was outside the Dollhouse getting a quick little swat on the nose from baby girl Sunjai.

After bringing her Why You Keep Cutting My Baby Tour right into the Dollhouse last week, Seloncé had been banned from their most recent competition.  To prevent history from repeating itself, Sunjai wanted to make certain that her Mom and all her vicarious Mama Drama remained outside the building, which was pretty much like telling a brand new puppy to sit and then hearing it follow you into the next room as soon as you turn around.

Mama loves her baby and only wants the best for her.  She just wants it yesterday.

Inside the Krunk Kompound, Dianna was laying out the 411 on the upcoming Memphis competition and it sounded like it was gonna be killer.  Or Thriller.  Or both.

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Hosted by the Dynamic Diamond Dolls, the event would include performances from the aforementioned Prancing Tigerettes, the Divas of Olive Branch and the Girls Who Can Put On A Full Face Of Makeup While Driving Stickshift During Rush Hour.

The Dolls would be presenting two routines.  A Stand Battle against the Tigerettes and a Michael Jackson inspired theme dance.  Fun, right?  Michael Jackson.  MJ.

Fun, that is, until I realized that most of the girls probably had to Google ‘Michael Jackson’ when they got home.  Then I just felt old.  Then I really did the math and after realizing that none of them had ever seen, much less owned, an actual vinyl copy of Off The Wall I decided to just pause the show to go outside and lay in traffic for awhile.

Speaking of outside.  The Moms were all snooping in the windows and goofing around the sidewalk in their snuggly winter gear as Dianna began rehearsals.

Seloncé was rocking some exceptionally skin tight leggings and vowing to take Sunjai’s place on the team if her baby didn’t get her shiz together soon.  Mama wants it bad.

For the 5th week in a row, the award for Wearing A Wig That’s The Same Color As The Costumes In Pixar’s The Incredibles went to my girl Tina.

Full disclosure:  I went out last week to one of those strip mall Beauty Supply places and bought myself a hot a** weave just so I could snatch it off my own hot a** head whenever Tina comes on screen.  I should probably also point out that so far I’ve saved up almost $37 in bail money for when I go clubbing with these hot a** Moms.  Hit me up, Bitches.

Love. Dot Com.

Especially Tina in that Alexis Carrington chinchilla hat.  It was freakin’ Dynasty Night at The Apollo, I tell you.  She can do no wrong.

On a side note, it was nice to learn that synthetic weaves keep your ears warm.  I had no idea.  Good to know when Cher and I go skiing in Aspen next winter.

There was also a little boy in a Where’s Waldo beanie and puffy red jacket jumping around like he really had to go the bathroom in the middle of recess.  No lie, it was probably 25 minutes into the show before I realized that it was just Mimi in a marshmallow parka.

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She so cray.

Back inside, the girls were rocking out to their routines and they were pretty intricate.

The MJ theme alone consisted of FOUR parts:  A chair dance, some Way You Make Me Feel moves in heels, a jazzy bit of boogie and the climactic fight scene.  Cuz You Know I’m Bad.  I’m Bad.  You Know It.

Congrats to Sunjai who scored the front spot in the stiletto portion of the routine!!!!  After the last few weeks, it was good to see our girl regaining some of her confidence and working hard for that front row.  Since me and my slippery dress shoes could barely make it across the dance floor at my prom, I gotta give mad props to anyone who can do an air split into a face plant in Jimmy Choos.

And then JJ showed up again.  Sunjai’s Baby Daddy.  Back for another visit channeling even more Cliff Huxtable and Fred Sanford than last week, if that’s possible.

His Dance-Off with Seloncé pretty much gave me life.  I can’t even do it justice.

With Tina and Waldo singing ‘Get It Get It Get It’ riffs like those beat boxers who perform in clown pants on the Boardwalk all summer, JJ and Seloncé showed us all once and for all in a Solid Gold vs. Soul Train kinda throw down where Sunjai really got all her moves.

Needless to say, JJ won.  Because the ladies love JJ.  Dude could run in a circle with sharp scissors and still snag the prize.  Pimpin’ ain’t easy.  You heard it here first.

Hold up.  Where’s Rittany, Bitch?  Whaddupwiddat?  Where’d she go?

As everyone scooted home for the night, Tina Carrington and Kayla had a quick heart to heart next to the car about why Kayla’s Daddy hardly ever goes to any of the competitions.  Terrell (…yup, real name…) loves and supports his daughter 400%, but he doesn’t really get into the whole Dance Thang like the other Daddies do.

It was kinda sad to see Kayla’s face get all pouty, but after remembering what happened the last time Seloncé told Tina to ‘Check Yo’ Man’ I decided that it would probably be in everyone’s best interest to not offer up any opinions or suggestions at this time.

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Daddy loves her.  That’s the most important part.  We’ll work on the rest later, mmmkay?

As a special congratulatory treat for making it into the front row, Seloncé took Sunjai to the day spa for some Mother/Daughter pedi action.  Gotta smooth those things down before you cram ‘em into the Louboutins.  E’rrybody knows dat.

Aside from a few meltdowns in the Dollhouse and cheering on the Team in various gymnasiums, this was pretty much the first time that the world had gotten a good look at Seloncé’s hair under fluorescent lighting.

Let’s be honest.  As I’ve noted previously…as little as I know about the elite world of hip hop majorettes, I know even less about how a sistah does her hair.  I don’t know how you get it to look like that.  I don’t know if it started out that way.  I don’t even know what part she bought and what part God gave her.  All I know is that Seloncé is a riot and she was working those nerd glasses like that waitress at Lisa Vanderpump‘s Sur restaurant.

Somewhere between the initial soaking of the toes and the second coat of polish we learned that Seloncé had given birth to her first child when she was only 14 years old, which was pretty much the exact opposite of what I was doing when I was 14 years old.

It only takes one time, kids.  One time.  She was clear on that point.  Just like it only took one time for the gamma radiation to turn Bruce Banner into the Incredible Hulk.

Which basically just showed you where my priorities were while Seloncé was busy popping out babies in junior high.  Trust me.  Maturity is overrated.

With only one night to go before the competition, Dianna and the girls were also busy popping out some new things for the Stand Battle.  I don’t know which I like best.  The actual moves.  Or the backstory that Miss D always throws into the mix.

Why you running yo’ mouth?  Pop Pop Your Butt.  Hip Hop Robot.

Then it was time to head home and hit the sack so everyone could rest up and be extra Fierce for the Big Game.  Before the girls headed to Memphis, though, Tina and Kayla wanted to give it one last shot with Terrell.

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Dat’s rite.  Over at Kasa Kayla we finally met Daddy Terrell.

Side note:  I don’t know if Tina matches all her home furnishings to her hair or her hair to all her home furnishings.  Not a clue.  Doesn’t even matter.  All that matters is that it happened and it was awesome.

Everything matched.  Perfectly.  You could literally drop one of her hot a** weaves on the couch and be sitting on it for days and never know.  I’ll bet you anything that more than once my girl has left the house with a red pillow on her head.

Love.  Dot Com.

Unfortunately, Terrell had to work and couldn’t go to Memphis.  Maybe the next one.

Finally, it was Showtime!

And Quincy from the Prancing Tigerettes time!  And Neva from the Divas of Olive Branch time!  Who I swear both sleep with their hands-free ear plugs in their heads.

JJ was there, too.  And Calvin.  Mimi’s husband and Camryn‘s Daddy.  There were literally Baby Daddies coming out of the woodwork this week.  It made the girls all really happy, but made Kayla a little bummed.  Next time, baby doll.

And then Seloncé showed up with a giant bag full of stilettos in support of Sunjai’s role in the MJ routine.  Because apparently handing out buttons with your kid’s face on it is soooo last year.  Now it’s all about the footwear, I guess.

I wasn’t really clear on whether we were supposed to wear the shoes, wave them in the air or just throw them directly at the Prancing Tigerettes eyes when they came around the corner.  Mimi’s funny faces totally distracted me from hearing any of the rules.

But regardless,  it was a true Oprah Moment.

You get a pair of shoes!  You get a pair of shoes!  Everyone gets a pair of shoes!

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After a last minute pre-show costume panic, the Dolls hit the floor and it was so good it was redoink.  Every piece of the Michael Jackson routine was mad dope insane.

Sunjai did moves on heels that defied gravity.  I don’t want to see the x-rays on those ankles.  Yeeouch.  She was on fiyah.

The fight scene at the end was like a school yard youtube brawl, except that everyone was dancing instead of dragging chicks around the playground by their hair.  Even the Memphis crowd stood up and screamed and clapped for about ten minutes before they realized they were cheering on the wrong team.

The Stand Battle between the Dolls and the Tigerettes looked like a clear win for Dianna until the last judge couldn’t make up his mind and called for one last Death Match battle between Captains and Co-Captains.

Dianna was all like WTF? and Kayla was all like Let’s Just Do This And Win and one Tigerette Captain was all like Lemme Just Do My Own Dance Over Here Don’t Mind Me.

Not sure what that was all about.  But the Dolls won it all in the end.  MJ and the Stand.

In yo’ face.

And can we talk about how crazy Tina gets during these routines?  Lawd.  Drop an electric toaster into the tub while someone is taking a bubble bath.  That’s how they would act.

In.  Sane.  Dot Com.

All the Baby Daddies were so proud.  All the Daddy Babies were so proud.  Except Kayla, who seemed a little sad and made me want to friend her on Facebook or something.  I hope Terrell gets someone to cover his shift next time so he can be there to show Kayla how much he loves her.

And then it was over for another week.  The Dolls wiped the floor with the competition.

Again.

Time to hit the road.

JJ.  Seloncé.  Dance us out, will ya?

DD4L.

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