Posts Tagged ‘Starbound Dance Competition’

Dance Moms: Holy Moly, Chloe! It Was Starbound To Happen Sooner Or Later. But Can You Really Go Home Again?

Thursday, February 23rd, 2017

nia

 

 

I just can’t believe it’s been 7 years and they still haven’t filled one pothole in this parking lot.

 

 

ch

 

 

This kitchen remod is way over budget. Put your shoes on, girls…it’s time to go snatch up some Lifetime coins.

 

 

jill

 

 

 

Did I tell you that I’m dropping a hip, new musical video this week? It’s already on my FacePage.

 

 

 

 

 

So ignore it. Do it anyways. Prove them wrong. And read DanThat’sCool. Hear that, haters?

 

 

cns4

 

 

A few treats from Canton’s Jerky King in the gopher trap and just like that I got a new fur stole.

 

 

ab

 

 

 

FYI. Sing Sing’s an all-male, maximum security prison, you idiot. But Mama does like her boys.

 

S01-E01_15-06

 

 

 

We were gonna show up, too, but that one couldn’t find her phone and they left without us.

 

 

 

Quick question.

Asking for a friend, of course.
chloe

Dat’s rite.

We’re back.  At least for one week, anyway.

So try to contain your enthusiasm…fDaXui9…because it’s really happening, people.

The long awaited reveal of the worst kept secret in the history of Reality TV.

And me finally getting off my lazy a** to recap Dance Moms like the good ol’ days.

Double Whammy.

Deuces

And it’s all because Chloe Lukasiak is back in the hizzle, yo.Dance-1Dq6V_f-maxage-0_zpsnafcxcymI know, right?

But first…

Dance-Moms-6x15-Recap-Melissa-should-be-sorryI know I’ve been slacking on this blog lately.  Bigly.

trump-dismissive-gif

Fact:  I missed you guys.  F’realz.

Alternative Fact:  Unfortunately, this hot mess of a site has catapulted me into such a stratospheric new level of #SuperStardom that I no longer have time for the little people anymore.

I’m kind of a big deal now.

putting-on-sunglasses-white-purple-wowtumblr_niujn0MVjB1tb8iyko1_500Or not, maybe.

Closer to the actual truth might be the fact that Lifetime TV (…and that lady in the orange…) still refuse to pay my rent each month, which means I’m required to continue working a real job in the real world for a real small paycheck.

An annoyance which has seriously cut into quality couch time in front of my widescreen.

Don’t get me wrong, tho.

I’m sure Lifetime would be more than willing to compensate me for all this hilarity if a certain Executive Producer wasn’t pissing away all the profits on gym memberships and designer LensCrafters frames.

But you didn’t hear that from me.bstgiphy-1Kidding.  He’s my boy.  It’s all good.

And if he thinks they makes him look like Clark Kent on Casual Friday…whatever.

Side note:  Did we ever get an answer as to why Melissa and Jill wore the same hair that day?

Jill_and_Melissa_-_Season_5_Reunion

What was that all about?

Side note 2:  Remember when they used to film the Reunion Shows in Kelly‘s basement?  That was back when Jill did her own hair.  BRAND_LFT_DMOM_110987_CRS_2997_060_20130920_V1_HD_768x432-16x9But they fancy now.  Real Housewives of Pittsburgh 4Life.

And as far as the MIA Dance Moms recaps, it’s not like we lost touch during my absence.

To the contrary, actually.

I heard from many of you on social media.

dance-moms-season-7-premiere-recap-remember-thistumblr_novr40oSA11uvr2ddo1_500dance-moms-7x08-recap-dance-mom-holly-frazier-gets-annoyedgotohell

You know.  The usual.giphy copy 4But now we’re all back together again.  In Pittsburgh.  Where it all began.

The birthplace of the ALDC.

And home to the ALDC.  But not the same ALDC.  Pay attention…because it’s confusing.

Turns out the Pittsburgh Abby Lee Dance Company is now the Appolonia Leake Dance Company.

Or at least on paper and in Yelp reviews.  Everything else still has the old name all over it.

One.  The fact that they found someone with the exact same initials to sign the lease is amazing.  If it’s a lease, I mean.  One Instagram account says Ms. Leake owns the ALDC now.

Two.  It’s not this Apollonia.

purple-rain-4The one riding on the back of Prince‘s motorcycle in Purple Rain spells her name with one ‘P’ and two ‘Ls’ and should be wearing a helmet.

The one that is slowly painting over all evidence that Abby Lee Miller ever stepped foot in the building is spelled with two ‘Ps’ and one ‘L.’  Because, of course it is.

Look at Abby ’bout ready to rip that damn sign right off the wall.

aldcSide note:  If they still have that Reign Dance Production marquee up on the highway, I’m not playing anymore.  Don’t even ask me where the Maryen Lorraine Dance Studio fits into all this mess.
7R0F35ORegardless.  E’rryone is back in PA for Nationals.  Because, you know.  The Road to Nationals.

As Holly and Nia Sioux took in the view from the parking lot, marveling at the gutted out flat top pavement and subzero temperatures, Abby was inside getting ready to not run the Pyramid of Shame.

potholeYou can’t see it in that photo, but Holly was wearing an 84K diamond cocktail necklace at 2 in the afternoon.  Because she can now.  And she did.

Remember when Nia was so little she used to disappear in those parking lot cracks  like they were sink holes?  Our little Sasha is all growed up like wicked big now.

Tumblr_lxm6cgZKhM1qmsq6vOnce everyone made it inside, all the girls fell into Beyoncé Formation one last time.

At least in Pittsburgh.  The whole show was in kind of a TMZ flux during filming.

Look at this and tell me you don’t feel old.

rehost-2016-9-13-93cc7c74-ed62-4578-b0bd-c4e7ca7f4e92lineupWhat the what with these little kids—?

And don’t tell me that it wasn’t a complete mindf*** to see all those new Moms mixed in with the Few & the Proud remaining Original Recipe Moms, all standing at the same Pure Barre railing that Mackenzie used to bump her head on every week.

Especially this Mom.

bowWho’s the perfect toxic mash-up of that lady who always screams at her kids…

54eaa11ab4bf2_-_h-wd1109-kate-gosselin-2…and that other lady who was always in the top/middle spot on Hollywood Squares.

RoseMarieI mean, c’mon.

bow1This is when I really wish Joan Rivers was still alive.

Oh.  And it was Pashmina Poncho Day at the ALDC.  But only for the OGs.

ponchoI’m not even sure who this kid is.  I don’t think she’s danced in the last 3 weeks, has she?dShe seems nice, tho.

And look at these two niblets.mini

As previously noted, there was so much to do this week (…Nationals!…) that Abby decided it was best to skip the Pyramid and get right down to bidnezz, which kind of disappointed me since I was really looking forward to one last creaky, dusty PA Pyramid.

687474703a2f2f696d61676573322e77696b69612e6e6f636f6f6b69652e6e65742f5f5f636232303133303430313134323734362f64616e63656d6f6d732f696d616765732f662f66652f5330312d4530315f30342d34322e6a7067#NeverForget.

Jill Vertes Fashion Watch:  When the temperature drops, the fur comes out and the Bump-It goes up.

jillj2Fact:  It’s more accurate than the Weather Channel.  And if I’m lying, I’m dying.

This week (…at Nationals!…) Lilly, Elliana, Kalani and Brynn all scored solos, which meant that the two most senior members of the ALDC Team got nada.

reallyNia’s #SrslyFace is straight up #Goals.

Kendall didn’t seem as concerned, tho, probably because this was the week her new music video was going to be premiered to a throng of screaming young girls who shouldn’t be allowed anywhere near a nightclub that has open liquor bottles displayed on the wall.

Spoiler Alert:

tumblr_olr1upJLds1tb8iyko1_500Q.  Where would I be without you?

But Nia and Kendall would at least be part of the Big Girl group routine (…cryptically entitled “Is There Still Hope?”…) where they would all portray characters from the seedier side of the PA streets.

Kalani was going to be the junkie.  KK schizophrenic.  Brynn was developing an eating disorder.  Newbie Camryn would rep the prostitutes.

200_s

And Nia was going to be in a gang, because…LaQuifa What?

imagestumblr_nnwi1dEwiN1tb8iyko1_500reallySwear to Gawd.  Seven years later and Abby’s still trying to make her wear that lace front.

Full disclosure:  Initially, the group routine was going to be a number about conquering cancer, but Abby had forgotten that the girls had already sung that song with a pink ribbon way back in the old’n days.

Once the Moms reminded her that she was about to recycle a routine, Abby went and sat on her crash pad until Nia’s gang dance came to her in a vision.

a1abby dancing 2

#CrashPadMemories.  Good times.

And then the internet started to break:

Our first glimpse of Chloe and Christi and no-longer-a-baby Baby Clara.

First in a flashback, which explained the Lukasiaks’ Season 4 departure, but did nothing to address what exactly was happening in the back of Abby’s hair while Christi was ripping her a new one…

fb1…and then in a flashforward (…I think that should have been two words…) which made me a little emotional for my Toddlers & Tiaras crew.

Dance Moms:
tToddlers & Tiaras:

A-past-contestant-seen-on-Toddlers--Tiaras._gallery_primary

Dance Moms:c2

Toddlers & Tiaras:Toddlers_And_Tiaras_Recap

Dance Moms:claraLook at how big Clara got.  That’s crazy pants.

Long story short.  This…

tumblr_mebsdpvAYP1rytq3ko1_500…turned into this when nobody was looking.

c3Casa Lukasiak got a kitchen makeover with a pretty pricey refrigerator.

ch1

And this is a good color on Christi.ch4A Million Bonus Points:  That strategically placed Teen Choice Award surfboard was EVERYthing.

Remember when Chloe scored that giant foam slab in 2015 and so many girls screamed that all the neighborhood dogs started running in circles?  The Library was open on that Read when she read Abby at the podium, right?

Chloe-Lukasiak-teen-choice-winner-00

And her stunt double got one, too, which I thought was nice.  You don’t think our girl did 4 years of Christi vs. Abby fight scenes without some help, do you?  b083fe9562de173bc8d22e

A Million More Bonus Points:  After deciding to crash the Nationals party, Chloe said that if things got out of control, maybe the Federal Government could help them with Abby.

#OhNoSheDin’t.

tumblr_lq035oF2qT1qbnfoaMeanwhile, back at the ALDC, all the wrong Moms were up in the Original MomPerch all sitting in the wrong MomSpots.  Shout out to Holly for snagging her end seat, tho.  All those years running into a crowded school cafeteria finally paid off.  Dat’s my seat, yo.

dance-moms-holly-melissa

The new Moms gnawed on each others’ necks for awhile after finding out that Lilly’s Dad was doing the vocals on her solo music.  Which I guess would be an issue if her Dad was Nat King Cole or something.

But he’s not.  So relax.

mI literally can’t stop looking at that hair.

m1Look at Yolanda.  You know she wants to.

Public Service Announcement:  Brace yourselves, ladies.  Put your trays in the upright position and fix your lip gloss, cuz we’re all about to experience a #ZackAttack.

zToddlers_And_Tiaras_RecapI know, right?  So dreamy.

Little Zack Torres is now Big Zack Torres and he just made his triumphant return to the Candy Apples!

zorro7_zpsf6605685

Look at Ava back there.   She knows wassup.

z1I probably could’ve done without Cougar Cathy Nesbitt-Stein pointing out what a #ZackSnack he was in front of all the kids…but she’s old, not dead.  So I guess…you know.

cnsGot enough crap on those shelves?

And this Mom was back again.

haleySide note:  I realize that every time Melanie‘s on the show I point out how she once knocked over my soda at a Boston Food Court and just kept walking like she had somewhere to go, but I feel it needs constant repeating because it cost me almost $1.50 in gym bag change.

This Mom returned, too.

zzzzSssssh.  Don’t wake her.  She’s resting up for a Throw Down later.

The CADC group routine was going to be about Abduction and Human Trafficking, which was a heavy and emotionally disturbing subject to everyone.  Especially 20 years ago when the ALDC did it with a playground swing.  But, again…I’m not judging.  Out loud.

I’m not even sure who this Mom is, but she experienced abduction in her own family and that is both heartbreaking and not cool, so she was allowed to get emotional.

taraKeep your kids close.  Nobody should have to go through that.  Ever.

Alternative Fact:  I think I forgot to mention that Cathy was positively gleeful at the possibility of Abby ending up in Sing Sing when all the financial drama reached Sentencing.

You might to Google that before you go on CNN, honey.cns1Bonus MomPerch footage:  Please tell me you saw that interaction between Kira and Ashlee when Kira was all like ‘Don’t even tell me you’re gonna put that whole thing in you mouth all at once…”

ka

And Ashlee was all like “Watch me…”ka1

And Kira was all like “OhMyGod you totally did it.  How ’bout you chew your food?…”kiraAnd then Holly was all like #HollyFace.khaDisclaimer:  Kidding.

You know I love Ashlee even though she stopped following me on Twitter.  And let’s be real.  Whatever she was inhaling looked mighty tasty, so scoot over and break me off a piece of that Kit Kat Bar.

And then we were off to Kendall K’s music video premiere!!!!

kk

Starring Jill!
v

And more Jill!
v1And even more Jill!

tumblr_inline_mj71f0nIBR1qg907pGo home, Jill.  You’re drunk.

tumblr_olr1x3c44W1tb8iyko1_500Disclaimer(s):  You know Jill Vertes will always be my MomCrush.  Your arguments are invalid.

And I guess Kendall K’s actual…actual…online music video looks completely different and actually stars Kendall K.  So I’m not really sure what they premiered.  Or why Abby was selling merch in the lobby like it was a Grateful Dead tour.  Maybe she’s just a little short on cash.

(Too soon?)

Side note:  Not gonna lie.  I thought Abby was shaving Kate Gosselin’s back in this clip until I realized she was just autographing some of the DeadHead t-shirts.  You can’t even make this stuff up anymore.

akateThe next day, after a tearful last look at the ALDC studio in the rearview mirror, it was Showtime!

In an airplane hangar.  On the Planet Hoth.

Look at how far away the makeup tables were from the front door.

airAnd look at how how cold it was in there.

giphy-1actumblr_myulqp8MPg1r93xiko6_r1_500ahI’m pretty sure this show stopped making sense somewhere around the middle of Season One.

Everybody was freezing, which I guess would explain why the emcee’s cheeks were so pink during the Red Carpet photo op.  Careful with that mic, dude.

sb  You know what happened the last time somebody shoved something in her face.

ReJtLxHAnd then Cathy & Co. stampeded through the ALDC makeup hangar like they always do, pushing over both the vinyl banner and Holly’s last button.

hfThat’s enough Candy Apple nonsense for me, thank you very much.

Side note:  Isn’t this copyright infringement?

cokeCoca-cola advertLooks like Abby might have a roommate in Sing Sing after all.

And then Abby kinda sorta mentally shut down and didn’t even bother to give the girls their normal pre-game pep talk, which got an already frustrated Holly even more frustrated.

harmFact:  She’s literally been waving that right arm in the air for 7 years.

And then finally, it was really Showtime!

Programming Note:  Since we’re running a little long given the 2 hour broadcast, I’ll try to trim the fat to speed up the process.

Zack’s makeup was on point.

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Zack’s Mom.  When your son has better contouring than you, why even bother.torres

I love Gina.

Human Prop Vivi-Anne was back to reclaim her title as Miss Human Abduction Prop 2017.

vivZack scooped her up faster than Chunky Monkey on Ben & Jerry’s Free Cone Day.  I love Vivi-Anne almost as much as she loves ice cream.  Which is a lot.  And more than dancing.

giphy-2Why this kid doesn’t have a sitcom yet, I swear…

Lilly’s Dad looks like the guy from The Commish after he shaved his head.  And her brother’s gonna be a heart breaker once he stops sleeping with a retainer.

familylillyThis random guy’s eyebrows, tho.  I just can’t.  And neither can Kira.

eyeWait for it…

cc1

There’s Holly’s right arm again.armWait for it…

cc2There was even some dancing, but you’re gonna have to Google the results.  You know the rules.

minis khh aldc l2Wait for it…

cccryKate Gosselin almost punched out that other Mom after the competition.

push fightAnd then…

Wait for it…

wait-whatOk. Now.

maxresdefault tumblr_olr2p7RuYE1tb8iyko1_500 tumblr_olr2p7RuYE1tb8iyko3_400 tumblr_olr2p7RuYE1tb8iyko2_400Everyone.  Lost.  Their.  Minds.

Holly was a #HotMess.

hjc

Jill wasn’t sure how she felt about Christi’s off-the-shoulder peasant dress.jc

Chloe was thinking about getting back into competition mode.compete

Christi already needed a drink. clThere were hugs and kisses and screams and more hugs and more kisses and more screaming.

And then just like that…it was over.

Or was it?  Is it?

Chloe was back.

Or was she?

Can you really go home again?

To be continued…

Lolppo

Dance Moms: Boyz In Da Hood? It’s The Revenge Of The Candy Apples When Cathy Unleashes All Her Man Candy On The Starbound Stage.

Wednesday, August 15th, 2012

 

 

We’re gonna rid this town of every Candy Apple in existence, even if I have to eat them all myself!

 

 

 

 

 

Please. When I open my eyes, Vivi-Anne is suddenly a mean dancing machine. Is that really asking too much, Lord?

 

 

 

 

Umm. Hellooo? My Mom said there’d be M&Ms on stage…? And shouldn’t someone be picking me up by now?

 

 

 

 

 

Sweet Jeezis. This really is my life.

 

 

 

 

 

You go there. And honey, you go there. Now just pretend to be as Fierce as we are…and good luck with that, bitches.

 

 

 

This week’s Dance Moms DVR Drinking Game?

Take a shot every time Abby Lee Miller said “Clean Sweep.”

Just be sure to program your Comcast box to keep the recording for a future viewing before the festivities begin, because the first time around it’s pretty much a guarantee you’ll miss approximately 55 minutes of the show due to blacking out from alcohol poisoning before the first commercial break.

It’s true.  Abby wanted a Clean Sweep this week when she went up against her Evil Nemesis Chaos Cathy Nesbitt and all those rotten to the core Candy Apples dancers.

And she made certain that we all knew it.

Over.  And over.  And over again.

After wiping the dance floor with most of the other studios at last week’s event, Abby was looking to continue the winning streak as the ALDC headed to Myrtle Beach for what I believe was their 4,386th trip to a Starbound National Talent Competition.

Though the trophies and bragging rights are always a nice touch, this trip to Starbound was not going to be complete unless Abby could return with Cathy’s head securely mounted to one of those Things Remembered mall plaques that they always give out with that folded t-shirt during the award ceremony.

(See…and you didn’t think I paid attention during the last five minutes of the show.)

But even plotting the downfall of an adversary has to wait until the Pyramid of Shame is revealed, so in pranced all Abby’s little dancers.  All the little dancers except for Paige that is, who did more of a Budweiser Clydesdale kind of clomp due to her left foot still being strapped inside that walking boot.  The injury from her backwards somersault belly flop onto concrete seemed to be healing nicely, but it was definitely cutting into her dance routine and sort of slowing down the cafeteria line as well.

But they all made it in eventually, and Abby immediately started ripping off the photo covers like an exceptionally sturdy Price Is Right girl.

Bottom row was made up of Brooke, Paige and Mackenzie.  No real shockerzzz.

Brooke was in the basement because her back was still sore from slouching and moping around about boys.  Anyone who ever got dissed at a Junior High cafetorium dance can relate to her teen sourpuss face, so I won’t get all up in her grill just yet.

Been there.  Done that.  Just knock it off before Graduation Day.

Paige was right there next to Brooke because of the whole concrete face plant fiasco.  If you don’t dance, there ain’t many spots available, so she was ok with her third place status.

MacAttack was bringing up the rear because she cried like a little kid.  Which is what she is.  But for reasons that escape me, that logic doesn’t fly in the Dance World.

Second row was all about Maddie and Chloe.

Now even though Maddie had basically taken every trophy off the lobby display table last time and still somehow found the time to clog my television screen with 57 commercials for Drop Dead Diva, she had actually only won her title by 6 1/2 points…and Abby wanted 20.  So hang on the second row and see how that one feels, missy.

Chloe needed more intensity.  And she also needed to get her a** out of the way because Sasha Nia was coming through, beeotch.

Dat’s rite.  Girlfriend made it to the top, thanks to her channeling RuPaul’s Drag Race and getting all LaQuifa Part II on the judges.

Mom Holly chest bumped a few of the other Moms and almost went into her Arsenio Dawg Pound impersonation she was so excited.

I love when Holly puts the Doctorate back in her purse and goes all VH1 on people.

Since Kendall still fell under Abby’s “guest” status, and Mom Jill was still having some pretty serious styling issues with her new haircut, they both got nothing but attitude.

Sorry.  No room at the Pyramid Inn.

Besides being top o’ the heap, Nia was also named Dance Captain, which I honestly thought was a title only given out on Gay Cruise Boats.  But I was mistaken.

As she explained her duties, I was so distracted by her headpiece that I missed most of the deets.

Now I love me some Nia.  It’s well documented.  But WTF was that thing on her head?

Seriously.  If that wasn’t a BeDazzled Maxi-Pad I’m quitting my blogging job.

As the Moms all trotted up to the Perch, everyone got down to rehearsing.  The group number was another one of Abby’s poorly veiled salutes to Maddie’s superiority, this time disguised as a Children of the Corn Cult thing where the other mediocre girls try and bring Maddie down to their level by tying a funeral bonnet on her head.

Christi smelled that one coming, and quickly jumped right up Melissa‘s skirt and down her throat at the same time.

Now I watch a lot of Bravo TV.  Probably too much.  But let me tell you, a few Jersey Housewives could take a page out of Melissa’s Flip Out Book, because somehow a discussion on Amish headwear suddenly turned into a full on BitchFest.

You’re a Bitch.  You’re a Bitch.  And you’re a Bitch.  No, you’re a Bitch. Oprah says you’re all Bitches and here’s your present!

I lost track of what happened about midway through the argument.

But trust me, I was paying full attention when Christi accused Melissa of living with a married man.  And by the time Melissa shrieked that she did NOT have an affair with her boss, I expected Andy Cohen to burst through the glass doors and push Teresa back down in her chair.

Say it with me:  Prostitution Whore.

It was like all my worlds were colliding.  If I smoked I would have gone out on the fire escape to regroup.

The next day, needless to say, Melissa and the girls were a no-show, much to Abby’s chagrin.  Do the math.  They were now short two dancers.

As the Great White known as Jill once again began circling the blood in the water, we jumped on the tractor and headed to Ohio and the Evil Dance Lair, where Chaos Cathy was unveiling her plan to bring down the ALDC.  Again.

Noticeably missing was my favorite bad a** red haired Mom, who must have been getting her roots done or the Harley detailed.

Love.  Her.

Luckily, though, she was replaced by one of those women you always see in country music videos standing on the porch with a baby on her hip, waiting for her cheatin’ no good man to come home smelling like restroom perfume.

No clue who this Mom was, but she needed to get a better grip on that infant, because he looked like he was slipping off the burp rag on her shoulder.  Being blessed myself with a substantial noggin, I know how hard it is to maintain an upright position after a warm bottle.

To guarantee a win at Starbound, Cathy had brought back everyone’s favorite plain and peanut M&Ms, Mitchell and Michael, to choreograph the Candy Apples dance numbers and to just generally wander around the Jerky Store being fabulous.

Knowing that male DNA almost always ensures a higher judge’s score, Cathy had also snagged some stray boy that she found dancing down at the General Store and was pairing him up with that little ginger kid Justice in a Mad Men kind of office routine. 

Cathy and the M&Ms wanted to give Justice a…“male friend”…which sounded a little too Dance Captain for my liking, considering that the kid doesn’t even own a hair comb yet.

Inappropriate Skee Ball on the Lido Deck, anyone?

Back in civilization, Nia had finally tracked down the MIA Maddie and everyone got back to bidnezz.

After chastising Maddie for being born into a family where the parents still decided what the kids can and cannot do, Abby received a top secret call on the BatPhone from a Starbound snitch who filled her in on all the Candy Apples dirt.  When she realized that Cathy had put an Apple into every category that the ALDC was signed up for, she made a bee line to Melissa and tried to get Maddie an overnight solo routine.

Since Melissa was still peeved about the whole sleeping with her Boss thing, she refused.  Insert more drama here _____________.

Two totally unrelated points before we hit the actual competition…

What is in that big, fat envelope that Melissa always carries around with her?  Is it a coupon thing or something?  It kind of reminds me of the envelopes that New York City vagrants always carry that are stuffed full of every lost or stolen bank card they find still sticking out of the ATM slot.  I just need to know for some reason.

And secondly, did you see Mackenzie’s Snookie hair?

You tell me that Jill didn’t have Bump-It envy.  I don’t know how that little tyke even sat up straight for that camera shot.  It was the Über Snookie.

Finally it was Showtime.

It was hard to make the usual windblown Desperate Housewives entrance that Abby always likes to make into the hotel lobby, given that this shindig was being held at a high school.  Getting there is usually half the fun for Abby, so I could tell she was a little disappointed in the venue.

The Candy Apples have apparently adopted one of those fraternity type rituals, much like the Olympic athletes who all get matching tattoos.  But since none of the Moms would sign the waver for getting inked, all the kids showed up with one lone curler in their hair.

I know, right?  Say it wasn’t just me that saw that.

I swear even Justice was styling his carrot top with a foam roller.  The cheap kind that Monique would pop into your weave down at that salon next to the Target store.

I won’t lie.  Sometimes my attention to insignificant details tends to keep me up at night.

There was no actual high rise stage for this competition, much like the last hotel ballroom set up.  But instead of that rogue housekeeping cart I obsessed about last week, this time I was waiting for one of those AV Club rolling TV stands to wobble half way across the gym floor and then come to a stop right in front of Vivi-Anne.

Oooh.  Cartoons!

At least that would have finally given her something to do on stage, since Cathy has yet to figure out any significant purpose for her daughter being out there once the music starts.  Sooner or later there is going to be a number that does not require hoisting spacey Vivi-Anne up like a bag of Columbian coffee, and Cathy is gonna be screwed.

Chloe did a good job on her Leave the Lights On solo.  I think it would have been funnier to have her dressed in a Motel 6 chambermaid outfit, unless you don’t live near a Motel 6 and have never heard their “We’ll Leave The Light On” radio commercials.  Then it wouldn’t be as funny.

Justice came out with no shirt and lifted one leg up a lot.

Sorry dude.  That’s Dance Moms: Miami territory.  And you’re no Lucas.

Plus it was a little creepy given all that Dance Captain innuendo.

The ALDC Amish Corn Kids number went well.  Brooke managed to tie Maddie’s grey bonnet on without cutting off her oxygen supply, so that was a good thing.

Right when the Candy Apples were going to lug Vivi-Anne onto the dance floor Cathy realized that the prop was missing from center stage.  Screaming from the audience was a nice touch.

One of the M&Ms flitted around like a Pride Parade grand marshall, grabbed a Staples folding office chair and flung it onto the stage.  Crisis averted.

I’m not sure if he was the plain or peanut M&M, but there was definitely some hard candy shell going on down there during the whole process.

Then some kids won some stuff.

Backstage, as usual, the whole thing deteriorated into Cathy vs. anyone and everyone.

Honestly, if it wasn’t for Jill’s weekly hair style updates, I would swear I’ve been watching the same episode for two years.  Do you think Lifetime is just messing with us?

Screaming.  Yelling.  Cathy suggesting that the ALDC kids never go to school.

Needless to say, Melissa was just having an all around bad week and therefore had no problem laying into Cathy, which resulted in more screaming and yelling.

Someone get Andy Cohen on standby, because it was almost Bravo-worthy.

Almost.

Dance Moms: Paige Gets The Boot And Jill Gets Her Bump-It Back When The ALDC Heads To Starbound. Break A Leg, Ok? Or Maybe Both Of Them.

Wednesday, August 8th, 2012

 

 

Sing along. I’m Bringing Bump-Its Back. Them other Dance Moms don’t know how to act.

 

 

 

 

Shut. Up. I would kill for a juicy drumstick as big as that boot Paige is wearing. Literally. I would kill someone for it.

 

 

 

 

 

Soon. Very soon, baby girl. My Master Plan is slowly falling into place…bone by broken bone.

 

 

 

 

When I close my eyes, Kendall is a really famous dancer. And I’m on “Knots Landing” wearing shoulder pads and fur.

 

 

 

 

 

Just. Shoot. Me.

 

 

 

 

 

Alouette, Gentille Alouette.

That’s French.

French for “I’ll break ALL your legs if it will help my kid get in the Group Number.”

Knowledge.  The More You Know.

So stay in school kids.  And run like the freakin’ wind if you see Jill Vertes coming in your direction, because Mama will do whatever it takes to get Kendall into the ALDC and you do NOT want to get in her way.

That also pretty much just summed up the latest episode of Dance Moms, so if you’re short on time you can go now.  You’ll miss all the hilarity, but you got the gist of what happened.

For the rest of you with time to kill at work, here we go.

Fresh off a victorious trip to Lancaster, where Abby Lee Miller and her tiny tot dancers brought home oodles of high scores and displayable shiny hardware, it was time to prep for yet another Starbound National Talent Competition.

But as you know…and say it with me…nothing can get done until the Pyramid of Shame is revealed, so Abby whistled everyone into the studio like livestock at a farm bankruptcy auction and got down to bidnezz.

However, during the pointe shoe platoon of mom and daughter soldiers falling into formation it was glaringly apparent that they were missing Kelly, her crazy a** haircut and Paige.

As you will recall last time in Lancaster, Paige had decided to rehearse her backwards whatchamacallit in the makeup room.  Now, personally, I didn’t need to actually see the hotel construction blueprints to know that there was probably nothing but solid concrete under the synthetic carpet squares, but for reasons we may never know Paige shot backwards like a Slinky when you flip it down a staircase and immediately doinked her toe.

Turned out she didn’t just doink it, she really doinked it.  Which explained why she and Mom were still at the doctor’s office having all the little piggies on Paige’s left foot scoped out.

But even if the doctor had to cut that thing off at the ankle with no anesthesia, the Pyramid must go on.  So chop chop, girls.

The bottom row was all about Paige, Mackenzie and Chloe.

Proving that even when you’re MIA you can get knocked down a peg or two, Paige was at the bottom because of that backwards whatchamacallit.  I guess Abby’s reasoning was that compared to a potentially career ending face plant on solid concrete, having your photo taped to the bottom of the Pyramid wouldn’t seem so bad.

Mackenzie was there basically because she was Mackenzie.  Love the MacAttack.  No matter how many times Abby pokes her with a stick, Mack just pokes with her tongue through one of those missing tooth spots and goes on like a trooper.

Chloe was there to make room for Maddie at the top, even though Abby didn’t actually verbalize it quite like that.  But I’m psychic, and I knew.

Middle row was all about Brooke, her teenage angst and Nia.

Now that you bring it up, even Brooke’s headshot looks a little mopey.  It’s a pretty photo and all, but it kind of looks like something that would be attached to the resumé of some young soap opera ingenue who’s had a rough start to life in Pine Valley, if you know what I mean.  She’s already really pretty, but Girlfriend needs to get her smile muscles to work as hard as her core.  She also needs to pop an Advil and foam roll her back muscles, because she was hurting this week.

Nia werq’d it last week with her Laquifa What? sequel, but again…the whole Maddie thing threw a wrench into that climb up the hill.

Finally, Top Spot was again reserved for Maddie, and I hope you all do a better job of faking a surprised look when they throw you a birthday party in the office breakroom next year than you did at that reveal.

MackAttack, Brooke and Maddie all got solos for the competition.  But more importantly, for the first time after begging for years and years…Chloe finally got her duet with Paige.

One minor KidSpaz later, the excitement was quickly dialed down about 100 notches when Paige klunked into the studio wearing one of those Terminator walking boots on her busted foot.

Yeah.  That duet wasn’t gonna happen.

At least not for 4 to 6 weeks anyway.  No dancing for Paige.  Just soft beachy curls and note taking.  Breaking her toe also seemed to have cut into her age-inappropriate hairstyling regimen, because Paige’s ‘do didn’t seem to irritate me as much as it had in the last few weeks.  Granted, it was still borderline fake I.D. photo that you buy on the pier at Hampton Beach and then try to scuff up to make it look like you’ve had it in your purse forever, but yeah…it was definitely more chillaxed.

So, have you been reading about how all these baby seals are congregating on New England beaches this summer?  And how all these great white sharks are now smelling them and swimming really close to the shore to try and eat them all?

Well.  Stick a Bump-It on one of those great whites, shove it in a mini-van, set its GPS for Pittsburgh…and there you have it.

Jill was back.  Again.  And she smelled the blood in the water.

The podiatrist had barely even licked the x-ray envelope shut and Jill was already in the building trying to slip Kendall into the group number.  She actually swooped down so quickly I thought she might break Paige’s other foot in her haste to get some lipstick on her kid and shove Kendall into Abby’s face.

Under the guise of being there to “take a class,” Jill booted Kendall out of the studio and then swam up to crippled baby seal Paige, who I’m pretty certain started to scribble Save Me in her notepad and then slowly held it up towards the camera lens like a kidnap victim does in the back window of a getaway car.

After telling Paige how sorry she was about her foot, in much the same tone of voice I would use if I was proclaiming how sorry I was that all those Krispy Kreme donuts fell off the truck onto my doorstep unharmed and still warm, Jill scooted up to the Mom Perch to get under everyone’s skin.

Side note.  If this whole dance thang doesn’t work out, it’s probably good to know that Christi has a future in cartoon voiceovers.

I’m just throwing this one out there in case she is ever looking for additional income to put towards all her glitter tops, because I swear the woman channeled Grover from Sesame Street when she started worrying about Kendall now having a spot on the Pyramid.

Or Yoda, maybe.  I couldn’t decide.

Place on Pyramid, She Has.

In the midst of all this hub bub, Maddie had to fly out to Atlanta to film her scenes on Drop Dead Diva, because otherwise Lifetime wasn’t going to be able to run 72 commercials for the show during this episode.

Seriously.  Lifetime.  We get it.

On the other hand, Kelly didn’t get The Diary of Anne Frank, which was the theme for Brooke’s solo.  Going forward, she may want to keep in mind that Holly is a school principal and the freakin’ book was required 5th grade reading, because Holly’s face alone was worth the price of admission.

Not to mention that they even made a comic book out of it, lady.

Since someone else was now going to have to shimmy around with Chloe in the duet, Abby threw together what I guess you would call an audition.  She figured it would be in her best interest to fake one out instead of just telling Nia NO and then giving it to Kendall, because you know how Al Sharpton somehow always magically shows up like an ambulance chaser every time something like that goes down.

While working on the costumes for the Alouette themed group number, Holly saw what was happening in the auditions and wasn’t liking it.  She probably also wasn’t liking all the distractions of the Secret Moms on the other side of the Perch.  They were exceptionally active this week.

And who are these people?  Do we ever get to see them?  They’re like that other side of the island on LOST or something.   If one of them doesn’t do an impromptu puppet show off the back of the couch or stick a sign up behind Melissa‘s head pretty soon, I’m going to be really disappointed.

Finally, all the Moms put down their French costume scraps and went downstairs to get all up in Abby’s grill about Kendall and Jill again.  The usual.

The best part was Holly twirling Nia’s beret around on her finger like some crazy Mime who’ll cut you if you don’t drop 5 Euros in her tin can.  I love Holly.

Then there was about 15 minutes of Jill hissy fits, Jill outfits and Jill hairstyles.

Not for nothing, but I’m starting to think that the girls down at the salon didn’t really walk Jill through what to do with her hair when they’re not around, because every time we saw her she was trying something else in an attempt to get a handle on it.  But she brought the Bump-It back, and that’s really all that matters.

Maddie’s trip to Atlanta was just a show within a show for a few minutes, and a cleverly disguised commercial before we broke for the real DDDiva commercial.

Well played, Lifetime.

Finally it was Show Time!

This time around, the competition was set up in the hotel ballroom on one of those parquet floors they roll out for bar mitvahs and receptions.  No platform.  No nuthin.

Full disclosure, I was secretly hoping that a rogue housekeeping cart would roll across the middle of the stage at some point, with one of those delightfully crazy women with Windex in her apron pocket and a pillow under one arm running after it screaming like she works at Taco Bell.

But no such luck.

The group Mime number went off without a hitch, or a Room Service tray, so that was a good thing.  I wasn’t quite sure what was happening with Abby’s hair when they cut to one of her interview shots right after the number…guess somebody forgot their conditioner that day.  Whoa.

Brooke’s back continued to act up until all she could do was lay face down on the floor, which seemed kind of counterproductive since most chiropractors tell you to lay on your back when it hurts to align your spinal cord.  But whatever.

Kelly finally got her Mom Courage up and pulled Brooke’s number, figuring that risking paralysis is probably not worth the souvenir Starbound t-shirt.

That resulted in another throw down between pretty much all the Moms, the kids and that lady with the Windex.  Abby swore that Kelly and Brooke were in cahoots to pull the number because they were scared of the level of competition that was out on the parquet, which deteriorated into Abby’s declaration that “Lazy Gets You Nowhere!” which in turn gave us one of Holly’s patented Whatchoo Talkin’ About Willis? faces.

Did I mention that I love her?

Maddie’s solo was entitled “This Is Me Over You” which was Abby’s poorly veiled middle finger flip to all the other girls.  And it didn’t go unnoticed.  I feel sorry for the kid, because she hates that Abby keeps rubbing her successes into the faces of all her little friends, and she really does try to not get all Mini Diva on them.  But Abby won’t let up.

It’s really gotten to the point where I swear that if Abby had any upper body strength she would pick up Maddie like the Lion King baby and let all the other gazelles gather ’round in awe.

By the way, if you want to know the results of the competition, you may want to Google a site that has a clue what they’re talking about.  All I know is that the emcee changed his tie in the middle of the show.  What was that all about?

By the time it was all over, Brooke was still face down, Jill was still phutzing with her hair and wishing that Brooke had been in more severe pain earlier in the week so Kendall could have moved in for the kill and Abby was still hugging Maddie so hard that I thought the kid’s head would pop off like one of Kelly’s wine corks.

For a little more salt in the wound, Abby then requested that Maddie show everyone her DDDiva routine.  Because she’s Maddie.  And they’re not.

Next thing I knew there was so much Mom Meltdown going on that my next door neighbor pounded on the wall thinking I was having a party.

Somebody screamed something about Role Models.  Christi accused Abby of sabotaging her daughter.  Abby called Chloe a Sneak or a Snake or both.  Christi called Abby a Whore.  Four times, I believe.

Oh Snap.  She went there.

Then Chloe cried, which set off all the other girls like dominos.  Melissa yanked Maddie out of the room like there was  a shoe sale in the lobby and Holly did another ‘Willis face or two.  Maybe more.

Abby then implied that Brooke was past her prime and may never dance again.  You can figure out how Kelly reacted to that one on your own.

Jill just sat back and took it all in, knowing that the more blood that they spill in the room, the closer to the shore she and Kendall can swim.

It got tense.  The kind of tense that smelled like dancing baby seal meat.

And Mama’s hungry.


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