Dance Moms: It’s The Final Pittsburgh Showdown And There’s Just Enough Time To Finally Star In Your Own Life.Wednesday, April 29th, 2015
Hold up. When I left for the Grammys, didn’t Miss Sasha here have short hair? Mind. Blown.
It’s nice to see you again, too, ma’am. But let’s keep both jazz hands up where I can see ’em, ‘kay?
So I taught myself how to do the Kylie Jenner Challenge just by watching a youtube video.
No lie. Took her two tries. First time she couldn’t get the shot glass off her face.
She knows she’s got it on speaker, right? No clue who that boy is, but he sure sounds FABULOUS!
I don’t know what’s in this Häagen-Dazs, but it’s seriously some good s***. God Bless America.
A few notes before we even begin:
One. Vivi-Anne is back.
I repeat. Vivi-Anne is back. This is not a drill.
Cathy Nesbitt-Stein‘s (…Spoiler Alert?….) adopted Candy Apple was back where she belongs this week and I almost spit out my own ice cream sundae I was so excited.
How this kid doesn’t have her own spin-off show by now is beyond me.
Lucille Ball. Carol Burnett. And now Vivi-Anne. The spoon has been passed.
Two. For the four of you out there with dial-up and no cable who don’t know who the Kardashians are…the Kylie Jenner Challenge is when you stick a drinking glass or water bottle on your face and suck really hard until you have lips that look like those yellow floaties you put on babies so they don’t sink to the bottom of the pool.
Three. Kylie Jenner swears those are her real lips. Hilarious.
And Four. Vivi-Anne is back.
Dance Moms continued to rack up the frequent flyer miles this week as everyone returned to the Pittsburgh Mothership after a much more successful (…and slightly less stressful…) second Hollywood road trip. Moms and kids alike were all glad to be back in familiar territory and sleeping in their own beds, but it was going to be short-lived because in seven days they would all be heading back to California yet again for the grand opening of Abby Lee Miller‘s West Coast ALDC division.
But Phase One of Abby’s plan for world domination would have to wait, because this week (…which is actually two weeks in TVTime and probably 6 months in DogYears…) was going to be packed full of dance. And drama. And even a music video premiere and some tasty dairy products. A lot of stuff.
So let’s get going.
While they were in town, the gang would be competing at the Starbound National Talent Competition as well as doing whoknowswhat at the locally hosted JUMP Dance Convention (…which is a big dealio if you’re a dancer type, I guess…) so Abby had clearly already over extended herself before she even got to the Pyramid of Shame.
As everyone filed into the building and got their bearings after three weeks on the road, Kira was quick to point out that the dreaded Candy Apples Dance crew would be participating in the upcoming competition. She saw it on Social Media. Former ALDC wannabe-Dance Mom Jeanette Cota would be attending the competition as well, which Jessalyn also verified via Social Media.
These Moms do love their Social Media.
Side note: For all their tweeting and texting and Instagramming and iPhone-looking-at-ing (…is that even a real word?…) I did find it slightly ironic towards the end of the episode when my MomCrush Jill didn’t know what time it was because she wasn’t wearing a watch. You know there’s an app for that, right?
I think I love Jill too much sometimes.
And speaking of. Jill Vertes Fashion Watch: Mama V is definitely at her best when she’s in the cooler Pennsylvania temperatures and can bust out her signature looks. In my head I imagine that her walk-in closet looks exactly the Jim Henson design studios where they make Muppets. Bright colors and shiny stuff and sequins and feathers and furry things as far as the eye can see.
You know I’m right. And you know it must be awesome.
Abby’s Weekly Sia Chandelier/Elastic Heart Reference: I swear she doesn’t even wait for the Pyramid anymore. Turns out that the highlight of Abby’s entire Hollywood trip was Maddie performing at the Grammys. Because she did that. And you didn’t.
Bottom of the Pyramid was reserved parking for Kendall, Mackenzie and Nia. Did I mention that Kendall compared Cathy and Jeanette to alligators? Because she did. It didn’t really make much sense, but she’s so cute it doesn’t even matter.
She gets it from her Mama, yo.
Honey Bow Bow Child JoJo and Kalani filled the Pyramid mezzanine. Which left the top wide open for Maddie…
Abby’s Weekly Sia Chandelier/Elastic Heart Reference #2: …who performed at the 57th Annual Grammy Awards. Which was the 57th time you didn’t.
Kendall and Kalani scored solos, while the group routine was going to be a deep, chilling sumthin sumthin that didn’t really matter since (…Spoiler Alert…) there was almost no dancing actually done on Dance Moms this week. True, we saw a few little blips of rehearsals, but not much else. I’m assuming that will all be coming next week in Part Two or they’re gonna need to change the title of this show.
Or maybe the dancing parts had to be cut out to make room for that bitter flashback of Abby’s former bestie who chewed his way through the restraints and ran to Ohio to choreograph a winning number for the Candy Apples.
Memo to self: Don’t piss off Abby Lee Miller.
Melissa Ziegler-Gisoni Hair Watch: I’m not sure what was happening this week. My vote is still for last episode’s Ariana Grande poof, if anyone’s asking. But honestly, until your kid has a music video or borrows Beyoncé‘s lip gloss backstage at the Grammys, you’re not even allowed to have an opinion.
We love Melissa. And her Priscilla Presley meets Open Sunroof bouffant.
As the girls got to rehearsing some dance about a helicopter looking for dead bodies, the Battle of the Video Vixens raged on upstairs in the MomPerch. Jill and Holly were still at odds over their daughters’ competing (…or not competing…) music videos. Jill said Holly just got lucky with all her fancy celebrity contacts. (AwHellNah. Was she talking smack about me on national television?) Holly was just being a proud Mama. Jill was jealous but not jealous. Holly was bragging but not bragging.
And Mikey Minden was straight up FABULOUS. Period.
Nia’s music video premier party was set for Valentine’s Day, which meant that all the other Moms were hemming and hawing about whether they could make it on such a romantical kinda day. But they were all going to somehow manage to attend JUMP, so if you actually rewind the scene and watch the discussion a second time, nothing really makes sense.
While that conversation went in circles, we scooted across town to meet up with both the Candy Apples contingent and Jeanette’s Broadway Dance Academy posse.
Apparently, nobody wants to drive all the way to Ohio anymore, so both teams rented out the same space at the local docal Pittsburgh Arthur Murray Dance Studio.
You remember Jeanette. She’s the one who was part of last season’s ALDC Junior Select or Elite or Super Supreme whatever it was called team for a hot second before Abby kicked her daughter Ava to the curb for being too tall. Jeanette owns the Broadway Dance Academy (…located in not-NYC Michigan, which is, by itself, somehow ironically hilarious…) and has hair that goes back and forth between straight and crazy with no rhyme or reason. I really like her. But she hates Abby.
Needless to say, crazy hair and a hatred for Abby immediately bonded her with Cathy when they collided at the studio later in the day.
Side note: The Candy Apples Mom who always wears that choker from Claire’s and the other Mom who refuses to pin back her daughter’s floppy ears were also in the hizzle once again. And before you hit ‘send’ on the hate mail, you know I’m just joking about her ears, because we’ve already discussed numerous times how my mud flaps are even more substantial than Chloe‘s. So please don’t get me started again.
And then Cathy took Vivi-Anne out for ice cream. Because…ice cream.
Seriously. This kid. Besides having what I can only assume must be off-the-chart calcium-enriched bone density, Vivi-Anne is a comic genius.
I still don’t know if it’s hay fever or lack of sleep or taking NyQuil when you should be taking DayQuil or if she’s just crashing from all that sugar, but Vivi-Anne don’t play. At all.
She also apparently Don’tGiveAF***.
But she does love her ice cream.
I also don’t know if she sleeps in one of those Michael Jackson oxygen chambers or what, because she looks exactly like she did five years ago when she was bumping into things wearing a bumble bee costume. How is that even possible?
Newsflash: Turns out that Vivi-Anne is not only adopted, but just recently got her American Citizenship and little flag-on-a-stick, which is beyond awesome for any child. All kidding aside, that is an amazing accomplishment at any age. And kudos to Mom for adopting, because so many kids need a home out there.
Now back to the kidding part.
Turns out that some of the sordid back-story between Abby and Chaos Cathy stems from Cathy not telling Vivi-Anne she was adopted. Really. Apparently Abby said something nasty about it at one time and Cathy has never forgiven her. She may have forgotten to tell her kid she was adopted, but she never forgot how Abby made her feel.
Side note: I don’t think you really need to graduate from the Sesame Street Police Academy to know that One Of These Things Is Not Like The Other. Maybe that’s just me.
But whatever. Because at the end of the day when she’s around her daughter, The Grinch’s small heart grows three sizes. And Vivi-Anne gets a lifetime of Rocky Road.
Back at the ALDC, Holly hit up Jeanette on her Sidekick to invite the whole gang to Nia’s video premiere. Because I guess they’re all friends now. Which means that Holly has Jeanette AND Aubry O’Day in her speed dial. She’s gonna need a bigger data plan pretty soon for all those fancy friends.
Melissa Ziegler-Gisoni Eye Twitch Tally: I can’t count that high.
Side note: I have a real problem with people who talk into the butt end of their cell phones like they’re some Real Housewife of Wherever. I don’t know why, but I legit do. So Cathy needs to stop doing that asap.
Abby’s Weekly Sia Chandelier/Elastic Heart Reference #3: Abby told KendallK that if she screws up her solo, she’ll never see the final cut of her own upcoming music video. So Kendall better imagine her #WearEmOut song going to the Grammys like Sia and Maddie or she’ll never get to be Kendall with an extra ‘K’at the end.
Side note: Back at the Arthur Murray Studios, Ava’s solo was based on all the ‘Hurtful Words’ that Abby and others had thrown in her face over the years.
Like being too tall. Too skinny. Looking like a Praying Mantis. And never eating.
I don’t who she is, but that Mama who piped up and was all like GurrlPleez!NotEating?ISeenYouAtTheTable basically made my entire night. Maybe my week. She needs to guest star on Vivi-Anne’s new sitcom during the first season, please.
Words can hurt, kids. The More You Know.
And then Abby pulled together enough ALDC dancers to open the 2016 Olympics to tell everyone that even though she was (…or maybe was not, it wasn’t very clear…) moving to California, the Pittsburgh ALDC would go on like it always has until the end of time.
One. Every tweenybopper with a cellphone probably had a meltdown when one of the dreamy Nick‘s was spotted in the crowd. I forget which one he is. I can’t remember if he’s the one who made Brooke swallow her gum or not.
Two. Loud and Proud Christ-y Hunt made a cameo appearance, but she didn’t smack anybody around at the front desk this time.
And Three. There were certainly a lot of random babies in the front row that Maddie had to keep picking up. She probably thought they were Grammy trophies.
Finally, it was #StarInYourOwnLife music video premiere time!
Holly and her husband Evan had taken over some Toddlers & Tiaras ballroom to reveal Nia’s slickly produced music video to an exceptionally hyper crowd. Nia’s two brothers even skipped out on baseball or football or whatever it was practice to support their sister. The other Moms also managed to make it just in time for the viewing, but stood in the back looking kinda cranky. I don’t know if it was editing or if Lifetime was pumping some stink into the room, but nobody looked very happy. I’m going to assume it was for television, because I know they all support each other deep down and would all be there if they could. Kids included.
Side note: I miss Toddlers & Tiaras. If they can put a man on the moon, I still don’t understand why they can’t get a kiddie pageant back on TLC. Seriously.
Side note Numero Dos: Holly was so proud I thought she was going to have an aneurism. F’real. I love when she gets so worked up over Nia. It gives me the warm fuzzies.
I don’t care if you call it bragging or being proud or just needing to cut back on caffeine…it doesn’t matter. Mama loves her baby. And Mama gives the best pre-game pep talks.
Mama also said the word ‘Shenanigans’ which I don’t believe anyone has used since the Spring of 1924. But I don’t have a PhD, so I can’t confirm it. I know you shouldn’t end a sentence with the word ‘it’ but I’m not up on my Prohibition lingo. Sorry.
And look at this little pipsqueak. I swear he shaves his head every day, because he looks exactly the same whenever Holly posts a photo online. Mama raised some Social Media heartbreakers, to be sure.
JoJo showed up for the premiere, but the rest of the ALDC girls were either on Valentine’s Day dates or doing whoknowswhat at JUMP (…umm, competing maybe? Der…) so they couldn’t make it. But that wasn’t gonna stop the party. Even Abby made it just under the wire. Because you know That One loves a good party.
She also loves hugging Evan, apparently. Did you see her trying to get a little sumthin sumthin after the video? Back it up, honey.
The Professor is right over there and she can see you.
Oh. I almost forgot. The video. Which was Off. The. Hook.
Nia was all like whipping it.
And giving Janet Jackson hands everywhere.
I offered to send Nia a metal ‘D’ made out of Home Depot lightbulbs so she could rearrange those background letters and spell ‘DAN’ for the remix version of the video, but she’s not responding to any of my tweets. I’m going to assume that she’s just very busy.
Everyone loved the video. Even Abby (…after she crushed two of Evan’s ribs…) had to admit that it was pretty sweet. Of course she had to toss in one zinger at the end about Hashtag: Starring In Your Own Real Life Not In Your Own Contrived Real Life, but I was too busy spray painting myself silver to get very twisted.
And then Jill, Melissa and Kira took off without even saying goodbye. Jessalynn just kind of stood there, so it wasn’t clear if she wanted to stay or go with them or line up for the Evan One Dollah A Hug Booth. He did look pretty fly in his suit.
But it didn’t matter who left or stayed. Nia was having her Moment. And that’s all that really mattered. And anyone who wants to debate what a 13 year old’s video is ‘supposed’ to look like can show me their 13 year old kid’s video and then we’ll talk.
Part One was over.
Next week we’ll see how the dancing portion of the show works out before everyone heads back to Hollywood for Round Three. We’ll also get to see what piece of awesomeness my MomCrush pulls out of her closet for the competition. Because I know y’all love my Fashion Watch alerts.
Or not, I guess.
Spoiler Alert: Black leather. With fringe.
I know, right? Shut. Up.
Nia. Dance us out of here, will ya?