The Real Housewives Of Atlanta: Now Serving Fierceness At The Whine Bar. Girl, Check Yo’ Coat And Yo’ Self.Monday, December 5th, 2011
He was one fine piece of chocolate cake. Lawd.
Girrrl…pleez. My momma don’t play dat.
That ain’t rite. She’s messed up. And her man’s a pimp.
MmmHmm. And why yes, I am still rich.
Lawd have mercy.
It was like someone broke into my house, set my DVR for series record and then taped pages from the Bravo Girls Manual On How To Be Fierce all over my plasma screen.
If you ever wanted a Learning Annex primer on attitude, tight clothes and snarky bitch talk, then this week’s episode of The Real Housewives of Atlanta would definitely cover the cost of admission.
Those girls can make going to the corner bakery look fierce. Get your snacks, cuz this is gonna take awhile.
Still feeling the after effects, and lingering after taste, of Kandi’s birthday party stripper from last week, Phaedra thought it would be in her best interest to apologize for unleashing the fire hose named Redickulous on all those unsuspecting guests.
Even though the majority of the party goers had found the gravity defying ability to club himself like Bam Bam Rubble quite entertaining, Kandi’s Momma Joyce was slightly less amused and had stormed out of the event and disappeared into the darkness. Kandi hasn’t heard from Momma since, and Phaedra was in full damage control.
And nothing says Sorry your Momma almost got her eye poked out like cake.
Phaedra drops by Kandi’s clothing store with a big ol’ wobbly cake and two forks to try and make nice for all the trouble she has caused. And to give us all the evening’s first lesson in Fierce 101.
While discussing Momma’s reaction, NeNe’s stripper past and how delicious both the cake and Redickulous would be on their hips, Phaedra and Kandi unleash pretty much every sassy black girl catch phrase available on basic cable.
It was a non-stop buffet of MmmHmm, Girl…pleez, Oooh Child and even more MmmHmm all mixed in with some of the biggest slices of cake ever seen since that Food Network show last season. You know that if the cameras weren’t there Phaedra would have skipped the fork. Girl loves her sweets. MmmHmm.
When Kandi asked the question that we have all secretly been wondering all week…if you could do what Redickulous can do, would you do what he does?…Phaedra unleashed a laugh that could only be compared to that machine the Highway Department uses to rip up the old pavement before they put down new tar on the expressway. Thank you, Lawd for not giving her a full mouth of cake before she let that one rip.
Since we all needed some fresh air, it was outside to watch Cynthia attempt to MC a fashion show.
Girl needs to just stay pretty for as long as she can, because getting behind the microphone ain’t gonna pay the bills.
All the girls, including Lawrence in yet another signature high heeled, over the top metallic number (…he knows he’s a boy, right?…) were there to witness Cynthia stumble, then crash and burn on nearly every model who came down the runway. Since the crowd had to remain silent while she bumbled through the outfits, we got a lesson in Facial Fierceness as everyone squinted, rolled their eyes and got all OhHellNo with their glossy lips.
Reading from 3×5 cards isn’t really up Cynthia’s alley, but luckily she had her trusty nervous Asian assistant to help her sound out the big words. Tell me this guy, in his vest and spiky hair, didn’t look like every dude behind every Best Western check-in desk who gets all flustered when you’re room isn’t made up on time. I was waiting for him to hit the Bellhop dinger after every model.
But she looked good. And that got Apollo’s attention, even though his parole officer/wife Phaedra was sitting right next to him with a little bit of cake still on her lips.
He gave Cynthia the same kind of creepy stare the boys in Cell block G probably gave him on Day One.
After a painful fashion show, everyone gathered for cocktails and more Facial Fierceness.
No one can make sucking a tiny cocktail swizzle straw out of the corner of her mouth more demoralizing than Sheree. She says more with one suck and an eye roll than the rest of the room put together. Since no one is prettier, wittier or richer than Sheree…at least according to Sheree…she can bite into her straw like it’s your neck. Watch her in action next time. It’s like a 1920′s silent movie, but bitchier.
While Sheree is chewing straws, Phaedra introduces the gang to Charles Grant and his socialite date Marlo. Apparently Phaedra has been going to the gym to work off all that cake and has made some new friends.
According to the rumor mills and drug store cash register gossip rags (…hey…you gotta do something while you’re waiting for the punk at CVS to ring up those Bonus Bucks…) Charles Grant is the Charles that NeNe was messing around with while her marriage was falling apart.
She says it never happened. He says it was one date. OK Magazine says it was for realz, girlfriend.
Sheree is going to need a lot more straws before this whole thing plays out.
Later on at The Bailey Agency, Cynthia was showing Mom and sister Malorie her new modeling business.
It was basically a chance for Malorie to do some more Peter bashing and get Cynthia all wound up about the whole Husband vs. Family thing again. Nothing much happened, but we got a quick refresher on how Malorie isn’t digging Peter, how one of his investors just boned him on a $40,000 check right before the new club is set to open, how Mom got a sassy new haircut since the wedding and how Cynthia might cave and give her husband more money.
Then we were back outside for more fresh air.
Sheree is playing soccer with her two kids when her Ex shows up to join the game. Bob Whitfield, best known for not paying child support and being a former NFL offensive tackle, can’t seem to hold onto his career or his bank account nowadays.
He and Sheree have a little sit down at the picnic table where it becomes pretty clear he has taken a few too many footballs to the head and also has no intentions of ever paying out any cash to Sheree. After dissing her $15,000 handbags, Bob proudly mentions that the kids have their own bathroom when they come to visit.
I was having a hard time following some of their logic.
Bob seemed to feel that your own toilet on alternate weekends is more important that school clothes, while Sheree explained that she didn’t go after him in court because she didn’t want her children to witness, or be part of, a public spectacle.
Umm. Did she not see that massive Bravo truck with that big TV satellite antenna?
Granted, Bob is big enough to block her line of vision…but seriously?
On national television he tells her to take him to jail and…let’s just say this isn’t going to end well.
Pregnancy has really cut down on Kim’s screen time, so we barely got a glimpse of her this week. During the brief Mother/Daughter moment she had with Brielle, the only things we really learned were that her daughter feels the baby is going to tear the family apart, their crazy bear cub/puppy Chanel never blinks and pregnant women should NEVER wear horizontal stripes.
So now it’s almost time for Peter’s new club Bar One to open. Even though the place doesn’t look like it could pass Code right now, he is going to have a preview party and has asked NeNe to co-host the event.
Since NeNe most likely has already legally stipulated in her Will that she is to have an open casket service so more people can look at her, it was a given that she jumped at the opportunity to be seen at Peter’s party.
She and Cynthia swing by to check out the place before NeNe gets her hair did and the scene plays out exactly as you would expect.
I don’t believe that NeNe is even physically capable of simply walking through a doorway like a normal human being. Not NeNe.
Girls, even more important than Facial Fierceness is making an entrance.
Bar One is not even open yet, but NeNe walks in like she’s the black Bette Midler coming down a spiral staircase at Caesars Palace.
Don’t be hatin’, playahs.
I swear she thinks those automatic doors at Walmart were created specifically for NeNe.
She’s good to go for the event. Or so she says.
After her soccer match, Sheree drops by Phaedra’s law office to discuss the whole child support process. This gives Phaedra a chance to show off the photo laden shrine to herself as well as do a little client name dropping, though I’m not sure I would be bragging around town about anything to do with Bobby Brown.
(Flashback to Whitney Houston in her baggy sweats, chain smoking and watching The Bodyguard on pay-per-view. “Bobbyyyyyyy!”)
Sheree does a little soap opera crying during which Phaedra joins in just to make sure the bitch doesn’t upstage her in her own office. Sheree needs time to figure this all out. Phaedra needs more cake.
Kandi on the other hand, goes cake-free to visit Momma Joyce and try to smooth things out after the birthday blow up.
Momma is still upset about having Redickulous swinging his stuff above her head, which probably explains why she ran out to get a whole new hairdo the next day. Almost unrecognizable with her new weave, Momma can’t seem to let it go. Kandi doesn’t understand why Momma is so upset since they are supposed to be Homegirls. And come on…she had strippers at her baby shower and Momma was there.
The two of them kinda, sorta, make up and Kandi goes home to research the differences between Homegirl and Mother.
Finally it’s party time, and Bar One is open for pre-business.
The only two things missing are circulating air conditioning and co-host NeNe.
Everyone is wearing their Sunday best.
Cynthia is styling in her Studio 54 Cher headband. After getting lost in the ‘hood, Lawrence and Sheree show up. As does whacky gay hair guy Derek J in a Lawrence-worthy outfit. Those girls must both have maxxed out their Chicos credit card this season because they are rocking some fierce blouses. Two snaps.
Charles is also there, and when all the girls start doing the math they realize that he is probably the reason that NeNe is MIA.
Cynthia questions Peter as to how he made this all happen, and gets the reply that he is “gangstah” and just made it happen. To distract her he unveils a ginormously large wall photo of Cynthia that would be better suited for Times Square over that flashing Coke bottle. The fact that in the photo Cynthia had an afro that could be seen from Space was just a bonus.
With about 5 minutes left in the party, NeNe Midler finally makes her entrance.
And it was fierce.
So fierce that Sheree bit her straw in half.