Posts Tagged ‘Todd Bailey’

Toddlers & Tiaras: The International Fresh Faces Pageant Is All About The Face. So Take That…And Rewind It.

Sunday, November 27th, 2016

twice

 

 

So lemme get this straight. First you take my crown. And now you’re taking my toys? HellNaw.

 

 

bc1

 

 

I dunno. I mean…I just…I just can’t imagine not having this T&T blog to read every week.

 

 

ceye

 

 

 

I heard that Boys don’t make passes at Girls who wear glasses. Gimme a few minutes…

 

mb1

 

 

 

 

That bitch is #Goals.

 

 

 

p

 

 

 

 

Now I see one boob.

 

 

fu

 

 

 

At first I was all like “Yo. Hold my drink while I f*** this bitch up…” but then I was all like “Never mind. I think I got this.”

 

w

 

 

 

She ain’t touching this one, I can tell you that. I’m down to my last full box. And Mama likes.

 

 

 

Let’s Face it.

You know I’m all about that Face.

And this Face.

f1

And this Face, of course.

sugar-2

And this vintage Face, served with a side of #Attitude.

giphyAnd these Faces, for sure.  Clutch the pearls.

thb

And this Face.  ‘member this one?  Holla at yo’ Coupon Queen Mama.

tumblr_m8g3yitur61ql5yr7o1_400

And whatever’s going on with this Face.

fight

And this Face again, but with different hands.

f2

And these Faces, both which gave me such #LIFE that I had to walk away for a moment.

mp

And these Crazy Faces.

selfie

And every Face this Face ever made.

jkall

But let’s Face it.

We’re two episodes behind in our weekly Toddlers & Tiaras Quality Time because somebody at TLC thought it would be a good idea to stretch the Super-Sized 2 Part Season Finale around the Thanksgiving Holiday Season when everyone in the Real World was either slaving away over a hot plastic stove…
stove

…or waiting in line at Best Buy for a $5 Black Friday plasma screen.  So…yeah.

To whoever thought that was a good idea:v2tsqvxBut now we’re back.  And basically two episodes and three hours behind in recaps.

So no bathroom breaks today.

Let’s do this.

99bb73db8684398b03d0fd3ddc13a245-jpg

The last time we saw our heroines, Kim‘s Barbie Dream SUV was still parked outside some strip mall dance studio and tiny Selyse was still locked inside Cambrie Littlefield‘s Panic Room.pinkLook at how tiny her fingers are.  She couldn’t dig an escape tunnel if she wanted to…

fingersAs you’ll recall, Selyse was put into Solitary because she had been acting like a 3 year old during the Cambrie’s Court team dance rehearsal.

As you’ll also recall, Selyse is 3 years old.  So there’s that.

Look at that face.

sCambrie wanted Kim to make Selyse go to sleep, yet never really clarified if that was supposed to be accomplished with pills, a lullaby or a mallet to the head.  But since Cambrie is #Goals, I’m going to assume she meant Hug It Out, because violence is never the answer.

Don’t do NyQuil.  And stay in school, kids.

tumblr_nj4fgewetz1qk08n1o1_500

Eventually, Kim knocked down the door, rescuing Selyse…

ks

…and then hustling her into the Barbie Dream GetAway SUV where there was already another unexplained randomly placed child in the back seat who clearly was not in the mood for paparazzi today.

kkSide note:  I love Kim.

She gets a bad rap from a ton o’ chat rooms and people on Twitter who still have the egg icon as their photo, but I think she’s a hoot.  And y’all know by now that I’m an equal opportunity snarker.

Just ask Paisley Dickey‘s Mom.  #PrettyWoman.

toddlers-and-tiaras-paisleyI literally dragged her through the first 6 seasons of this show, but couldn’t love her more.  She and that kid are sweeter than Pixie Stix, I swear.  If they ever remix that Booger Song with a stronger bass beat I would totally use it in Step Class.

We love Kim.  She’s a mess.  But it’s the good kind.  So it’s all love.

kim Just like Kallyn‘s Mom Megan loves her vino.  Or almost as much.

m2

Look at that.

Make yourself at home in our Thomasville showroom, ma’am.m3Do any of these Pageant Moms even own shoes?

Megan is HIGH-larious.  But it was her husband Brandon who took top prize this time.

b1

Part Yogi Bear‘s overwhelmed BFF…

yogibearbdcap3_originalPart Fire Island stuffed animal and part every shop teacher who ever lost a finger in every high school in America when he puts on his protective glasses…

dad1

…Brandon was 250+ pounds of weepy #ProudBabyDaddy, who got choked up every time he tried to talk about his #Daddy’sGirl Kallyn.

bcTrue Fact:  There is nothing like a Father’s Love.  Don’t ever take that for granted, kids.

We also met some boy that I’m going to assume is Kallyn’s brother…

bobby…who looked really familiar, but I couldn’t quite place him from where exactly.

tumblr_ma7wf7dxvb1relflqo3_r3_400Dad made some shirts for the upcoming pageant in a variety of colors…shirt1cznomcmwaaevkyt shirt…and proved again how much he loved his kid and iron-on heat-set lettering from Joanne’s.

Side note:  Jaimie/Adele kept showing up in clips where she was standing in front of a #ChoreBoard.

I’m not sure why the kid on the left had more chores to do than the kid on the right.

25_adele_560x375ju25_adele_560x375I’m also not sure why one of the chores wasn’t ‘Clean This Damn Chalkboard’ because that thing hadn’t been washed since the last time Jaimie went on tour.

C’mon.  How can you not love Jaimie?

Side note #2: Kallyn smelled Hot Pockets being microwaved down the hall and completely spaced out during the interview process.

hot1hot2No clue where she gets her lack of focus from.

dayHit me, bartender.

Moving on, we headed back to LensCrafters to finally get an explanation as to why Cambrie had been holding all her Team Meetings in an optical shop.

docMystery solved.

According to the blurred-out 2nd row, all of Cambrie’s kids are blind.

FDA Disclaimer:  There is no known connection between 20/700 eyesight and taking collagen spray shots directly in your open orbital cavities.  None whatsoever.  So don’t even bother calling your lawyer.

Look at how cute the kids look with goggles.

g glassesBut you didn’t need your new specs to see Hallee’s Mom lounging on her giant Roomba, did ya?

roomba

Because there she was again, chilling back all carefree and shoeless while the Taco Bell dog licked his burrito hole on national television.

And that’s Elicia.hm

With an…

mlsvulAnd a smokey eye, ‘mmkay?

seyeElicia’s a cheer coach and the Most Hated Mom on the pageant circuit right now.

She also holds the record for cooking the most hot dogs in one day.  You see that spread?

emI love how her husband Mark always had the same look on his face no matter what scene they were taping.  The only thing that ever changed was the designer logo on his shirt.

That’s the only way I knew it was a different day.  #TrueStory.

And excuse me.  How about Lola?

lola

So.  Cute.  Drop Dead Cute.

And since the upcoming International Fresh Faces Pageant was strictly Neck-Up, Jaimie figured Lola was a shoe-in for Ultimate Grand Supreme.

Lola’s Mom Jessica even took time off from filming an episode of Grey’s Anatomy to grant an interview before scooting out to her (…Spoiler Alert!…) BoxAerobics class at the Y.

jess jess1

You just wait.

Oh.  And Piper‘s back.  And her Mom Katie.  And her Dad with the Cowboy Hat.

gk k3

No shoes, tho.

Side note:  I think I forgot to mention that Lola’s Secret Weapon was her #Wink.

lola l1 l2Because it was.

Anyway.  I hope you’re safely reclined in your Carol Burnett Fainting Couch…

k3

…because right here was when the T&T Train went off the rails.

Piper was going on stage this weekend…with NO flipper.pipI know, right?  That’s crazy.

k1Spoiler Alert:  Actually, that’s not crazy.  This is crazy.

kBut not yet.

That’ll have to wait until Showtime.

Which was just about to start, as soon as we were introduced to Co-Directors Poncho and Michael.

And as soon as I regained consciousness after inhaling all their awesomeness.
looktumblr_nvtzpqhcvl1u2pphqo1_500m7tumblr_nvtzpqhcvl1u2pphqo1_500birdJust. Yaaaaaassssssss.

Since this pageant was all about the Face, nothing below the neck even mattered.

Not the costumes.  Not the fancy footwork.  Nuthin.

The judges were even informed to only score #FacialBeauty, which was so wrong it was right on so many levels.  Ugly Kids Need Not Apply.  Really.  I mean it.

Side note:  Don’t even ask me why everyone was putting a second mortgage on their homes to pay for cupcake dresses that wouldn’t even skew the numbers.  Don’t.

Lola from the Future even came back in time to host the pageant.

lf

Cuz Poncho and Michael don’t play.

Not with the rules (…Spoiler Alert:  Put that toy down, you greedy kid…) or with the pre-game State Fair festivities, which included games and rides and snow cones and a monkey drinking Windex.

monkeyicee

Oh.  And strippers.  With kids in the room.

stripper

Look at Magic Jimmy all like “Simmer down, honey.  You already got a horse in the barn.”cowboy

Megan whipped that iPhone out pretty fast, too, if you ask me.  But I’m not judging.

Her friend that cuts fabric down at Walmart is never gonna believe this one.iphoneAnd now that the lady folk were all wound up, it was time to get the 2 Day festivities started!

Finally, it was really Showtime!

Day 1:  Beauty and Swimwear.

ccc

Right out of the gate, things were a little awkward as both Cambrie’s Court and the Sassy Supremes were forced to share a makeup room.  It was all about tight quarters and even tighter hot rollers.bhurtsBecause Pretty is Painful, FYI.

redpretty-hurts-music-video-beyonce-part-2hotmessAnd Kim is always late, FYI.

ks1This time it was something about the flight just getting in and reading the text wrong and needing to feed the baby first because she’s a baby even though as soon as Kim got to the makeup room she sat Selyse down and fed her more cereal.  So I dunno.

I love her.  But she makes my head hurt sometimes.

octopussoir-tumblr1

Disclaimer:  That wasn’t Kim or Selyse.  And you probably don’t want to try that at home.

Needless to say, Selyse had to skip the nails again and get snatched up by her Stylist Friend, who proceeded to run a full Spartan Iron Man course with a 3 year old sand bag under one arm.

relayThere was even an obstacle course that included stepping over empty Red Bull cans and racing up two flights of stairs.  Jesus take the Wheel.  And this baby, too, cuz she weighs a ton with all that hair.

Luckily, they ran right up to the lady with the iPhone chip reader who takes registrations, because Kim also forgot to sign Selyse up for this shindig while she was feeding her and misreading texts.

vest1

Look at how elaborate the back of that lady’s vest is.  Do you think she crocheted that herself?vestAfter a quick pit stop, they were $395 in the hole…but back in the race.

Selyse made it.  Barely.

So I guess nobody could notch out that curly piece of jigsawed plywood so every kid didn’t have to step up and over it before falling head first into the stage runway lights?

plywood I bet Brandon could’ve fixed that in under 3 minutes.  #SafetyFirst, of course.

dad1

Clearly, the best part of the pageant was after they came off the stage, every child got to scoop up some stash from the massive International Fresh Faces Toy Toy Table.

toys

Because that’s what Poncho called it.  tinderBecause he couldn’t say Toy Table single…ular…ly.

Look at how precious.  What a little bird, right?

mp

As all that hilarity was ensuing, little peanut Kallyn was attempting to cross enemy lines and say hello to her friends in the Cambrie Camp.  Because she’s everyone’s friend.  Beautiful on the inside and outside.

By the time she hit the stage, it was all over.

kall

Cue the #ProudPoppaBear tears.

bAnd the #ProudMamaBear tears.  I knew she had it in her.

cry2#Deuces.

peaceCheck it out.  The middle judge totally matches that Marimekko chair.

middle kivet-chairs-blgoTo Infinity & Beyond Cute:  Caitlyn was next on stage and she rocked it as always.  Unfortunately, coming down from that performance high, she snatched up the wrong toy toy from the wrong toy toy table and got slapped down down by Poncho in front of everyone in the room.

You can not do that.

Relax, dude.  I think you got enough Banana Monkeys to go around.

banana Mom Charis was NOT happy.  She cried and then kinda blended into the background curtains.

charisMeanwhile, Piper was having a bad day.

She was grumpy and sleepy and her ginger weave was hurting her head every time someone clipped in a track.  Take it easy, woman.  I’m not wearing a flipper.

phAnd as if that wasn’t crazy enough, Mark and Elicia with an E had decided to enter Hallee into the competition wearing a pantsuit.

That’s right.  You heard me.

A.  Pant.  Suit.

Who does that?

hrcrainbowAt least it fit, thank you Jesus.

Side note:  Using all this pre-game chaos as a smokescreen, my Boo Jayliana and Mom Deb were huddled off in the corner trying to convince pint sized Kallyn to jump ship and join Cambrie’s Court…where you can ride magical unicorns and get collagen facials 24/7.

Not gonna lie.  It’s pretty awesome.

Not as awesome as your Dad’s pink shirt and definitely not as awesome as whatever’s happening to your hair right now…

lesson …but pretty awesome.

Deb actually said “Gimme Knuckles” and set the clock back to Jersey Shore time.

But let’s be real.

The best part of this entire 3 hour block was when Piper spied her sister Harlie scarfing down a lollipop and was all like ‘Where’d you get that?’ and Harlie was all like ‘What?  This?  This lollipop?  The lollipop that’s supposed to replace all the crowns and parental attention you’ve stolen from me over the years with not even an ounce of regret?  This lollipop?’

h

(…Sucking Noise…)h1

This one?h

If you’ve ever competed against a sibling in your lifetime, you just saw Jesus.

And then Jimmy got a text that Piper was supposed to already be on stage instead sitting there like leftovers with half her hair still in a bag.

Codeword: PANIC.  And SUCK IT IN.*
h3

*Save a horse.  Ride a Pageant Kid.

Side note:  Anyone else see that Park Ranger show up right when Piper was running out the door?  It happened so fast I couldn’t even catch it with a screenshot.  What was that all about?  Please tell me there aren’t animals in this one, too.  No more #PoopGate please.

pbaBut Piper made it on time.  Barely.

And then she just kind of stood there on stage like a stalled car for a second or two, which was just enough time for Michael to get a jump start on his 2017 taxes.

tax

And even though it shouldn’t really matter since the whole thing was a Face thing, it got her Mom so worked up that Katie had to go outside and take a few drags on her vaporizer and begin the Meltdown process.

Hallee nailed her pantsuit routine with some Bollywood fingers and #Sass.

hall psI don’t know anything, but I know that kid is gorgeous.

Ditto.  Lola.

lola1The Swimwear portion of the competition went off without any major drama, aside from Hallee’s parents forgetting her suit back at their condo.  Luckily, Dad was back there changing into a different polo shirt, so he came running over with suit in hand to save the day.

And it had sleeves.  Which the judges L-O-V-E-D.

All the kids 3 and under jumped around like they had beach sand in their suits, while the older kids all werked the stage like they were in an MTV video.  Shoutout to Jayliana.

tumblr_lq035of2qt1qbnfoaScore so far:  Bonus Points go to the Editing Dept. who cut right from a clip of Katie stating that all Cambrie’s Court Moms are classless to this Mom in the audience.

cutI see what you did there, TLC.

Day 2:  Talent.

The short version:  Hallee didn’t want to throw her tuck in rehearsal, which made her Mom blow a nutty and in turn made Hallee cry.  Cambrie came at her with sharp Q-Tips instead of Kleenex because she wasn’t gonna do her face over again.  Time is money.

tuck

Kailia was back on her suspended aerial Cirque du Soleil ring thing snapping her spine.

yoga

And Britney Spears sang during the breaks.

britneyAll the kids did amazing.

And then finally…2 weeks and 3 hours later…it was time for Crowning!

iff And Drama.

Selyse only scored Beauty Alternate, which really pissed off Kim.  Without reading the rules, I’m gonna have to assume that means she is eligible to take over the crown if the reigning Miss Fresh Face is no longer pretty anymore and can no longer hold the title.  Is that right?

Jaimie/Adele was all like #ToldYouSo about that #LegitHotMess.

gmm

Cambrie was all like #OyVey.

cf

Kallyn got Queen.

Dad cried again and then Mom straight up Ugly Cried so hard the curl came out of her hair.

cry1

Piper got another Beauty Alternate title and threw some gang signs and then Katie lost it.gangkPiper was robbed.  #ByeByeBitches.

And then…Wait.  What?

Did you…?  No way.

#MoreNisa.  Visit my Kickstarter Page.  I’ll pay if I have to.

Jayliana took Beauty Photo Supreme.

I love how Jayliana is always happy with whatever title she gets.  Even at Crossfit.

I was proud.  Mom was proud.  Deb even had a hazy dream sequence remembering all the times Mustache Guy lurked in the background for some reason.

mgSo take THAT and rewind it back, yo.

rewindtake-thatJayBae’s Mom got the beat to make your booty go (clap!)

Kailia scored First Place in the Talent category (…no surprise, girlfriend…) and then Lola took Grand Supreme, which came with a sparkly crown, an envelope full of hot cash and a role as Vanity from Apollonia 6 in the new Purple Rain reboot.

pr

Am I wrong?  Look at that doll.

Drumroll.

Ladies & Gentlemen.  You’re Ultimate Grand Supremes.

Ages 7-8:  Emily!  From the Dueling Cousins Show!  Hey, Mom!

Ages 9-11:  Hallee!

crw

Now everyone was crying and cheering and crying some more.

AND it was Hallee’s Birthday!  Best.  Present.  Ever.

They even took her out back and made her do that Sorority thing where you crawl under the legs of all your sisters and they spank you like a naughty girl.

Anyone else catch that player sneaking in for a touchdown when the game was already over?

play

You’re a Real Boy now, Pinocchio.playerAnd then it happened.

All the stress from an entire season of glitz pageantry and all the leftover Me & My Pet poop just hit the fan.  Hard.  In the hall.

Kim was doing one of her confessional interviews behind one of those accordion wall/door things…fight

…when she spied Lola’s Mom snooping through the cracks.

doorSide note:  I think I forgot to mention that Kim was hormonal.  And pregnant.

Hormonally pregnant.

Because that’s kind of important.

I see you out here.  You really want to do this?  Why you spying?
bring-it-miami-and-divas-and-dolls-oh-my-and-l-mcctuj

I know you’re in there talking s*** about Sassy Supremes.kourtney-kardashian-amaazing-look-starbucks

You wanna talk s*** about who’s talking s***?  You’re talking s***.  All season.toddlers-tiaras-when-its-slots-and-tots-and-l-l-cgz0_v

Jaimie even came out of her own interview for a second but then thought better.  Cleaning up this hot mess ain’t on the list, honey.

chores

And then this happened.bball_7_gif2

Dat’s rite.  Jessica threw her damn drink right in Kim’s damn face.

watermad-goldiewaterLook at how she even squeezed the cup to make sure the lid popped off.

This ain’t her first rodeo.

Jaimie came back out and tried to youtube the fight but had her phone facing the wrong way.

youtubeAnd then Jessica took off and left Kim and Jaimie alone in the hallway to have the most uncomfortable confrontation ever under the worst harsh lighting imaginable.

lightsIt was long and involved and exceptionally dramatic.

#ByeFelicia.

hotel

Jaimie busted out the back door and told somebody to either take off her dress or her live mic pack.  It wasn’t really clear and she was already out of the shot, so…

And then it was over.

Elicia called home to make sure this s*** was DVR’d and to remind the sitter to walk the Taco Bell dog.

phoneCambrie was still giving #Face and #Goals.

f1Jaimie was vowing to come back bigger and better next season.

joAnd I’m waaaaay past the word count they say makes for an enjoyable blog post.

So that’s it.

We made it through Toddler 2.0.

And I couldn’t have done it without you.  Really.

But I’m gonna leave before I get emotional.

bc

Let’s do it again soon.

Like next season, maybe…right, TLC?

Sparkle, baby.

Muah.toddlers-tiaras-beach-beach-baby-its-finally-l-3r6lsz

Toddlers & Tiaras: Holy Pageant Panic Part Two, Batman! Only Superheroes And Sparkly Things Can Save Us Now.

Thursday, September 15th, 2016

deb

 

 

Just between us, I lie about my age all the time. It’s the only way to get a discount at Claire’s.

 

shot

 

 

Don’t even tell me those chicks are in my shot, because I am the Queen. You listening to me?

 

 

drink

 

 

Honestly, every time they start crying I just close my eyes and pretend I’m holding a cocktail.

 

 

h

 

 

If the Fair Pageant Bureau wants that certificate, they’re gonna have to pull it back outta my butt.

 

ch

 

 

And now they say I can’t claim any of this as med school tuition just because she’s a fake doctor.

 

 

 

 

I read in Cosmo that if you press right here you can tell if you’re about to have a massive stroke.

 

xray

 

 

 

My new X-Ray Specs are totally gonna help me track down the bitch who stole my crown.

 

 

The mean streets of Mesa are on fire.

Villains are terrorizing the residents with giant hair and hammers.

Heroes are finger kissing and fighting the forces of Evil, trying to regain control of their city.

It’s chaos and contouring, people.  But have no fear.

Because just like that…

kapow-1…they’re back.

Toddlers & Tiaras is here to save the day.

In the nail biting 2nd part of GemStars‘ super-sized Heroes vs. Villains Pageant, it was anyone’s guess who would still be standing when the dust and (…Spoiler Alert…) smoke machine haze cleared before Crowning.

When we last saw our heroes, Mom Becky had just been stopped at the Check-In desk by Director Debbie Graston, who was in the process of both physically and verbally blocking her entrance into the ballroom until Becky could produce a notarized and laminated copy of Kaylee‘s birth certificate.

Because, you know…The Fair Pageant Bureau.

fpbI know, right?  What is that?  Is that even a real thing?

And who sent Debbie that mystery email?  And why did Debbie suddenly take it as gospel that maybe tiny Kaylee wasn’t really 6 years old just because she looks like she’s 10 years old when she’s in hot rollers?

cait4

She looks like she’s 32 when she’s all teased up.  Are we really gonna go there?

cait

Maybe we should check her LinkedIn profile while we’re at it to make sure she didn’t pad her resume that year she worked at Wells Fargo.

Gah, she’s cute.

And how did her Dad keep those sunglasses on the back of his neck the entire episode?  I can’t even keep mine on my face if it gets too humid outside.

blog

Needless to say, Becky had a copy of Kaylee’s birth certificate right there in her Back To School pocket folder and whipped it out all like…

1365706340988393_animate-1…which shut everybody else up and made my PageantCoachCrush Cambrie start to think that maybe the GemStar cards were already stacked against them.

rhHome Decor Tip:  You can never have too many accessories or boobs in one room.

Nobody told me I needed 3D glasses to watch this show.  But I guess that’s why Cambrie Littlefield is #Goals.  Because she is.  And your argument is irrelevant.

And the entire mantle display can be purchased thru West Elm’s website, FYI.

As you’ll recall, Kim had shown up with her little niblet Selyse, despite the fact that they were currently coach-less thanks to last week’s Sassy Mom-tervention.

bf

No.  YOU talk to the hand.kimBut it didn’t matter.  Because Kim had it all under control even though I believe Selyse’s Snuggie is on backwards.  Or maybe not.  I don’t know.

But I love Kim.  F’realz.wigletAnd she knows that little wiglet goes on her kid’s head, right?  Not her’s?  Cuz I swear…

Side note:  Now you guys all know that everything on this sloppy site is done in fun and I’m easily sloppier than anyone else on any of these shows and most of what I say is straight up made up anyway, right?  Because I would never intentionally go in for the kill.

Ever.

Except for maybe right now.

Don’t get me wrong.  I love me some Jaimie and some Debbie, but you might wanna get the kids out of the room for a few minutes.

stage1

What the F***ing F*** is even F***ing happening on that F***ing stage right now?

Are they blocking a Fire Door?

And what the what is up with those decorations?

Spoiler Alert:  Even Harlie stopped right in the middle of her Beauty Routine to try and figure out what the F*** was going on back there.

fire

Srsly.  Have you ever gone to one of those temporary Mall Halloween stores in the middle of November when it’s their last day before it turns into a temporary Christmas Shop?

And there’s only one person working and all they have left are four cardboard cutouts and the fabric they used to cover up the Radio Shack logo?

That soldier is literally shooting out the kneecaps of a Disney lady.

But I still love you, Jaimie.  Call me.

23-adele-phone-2-w1200-h630 adeleflip-1445785825

And scene.

Moving on, we smoothly transitioned to Queen Cadence, who revealed some secret organization that collects all the unwanted babies that have been tossed out windows and finds them new homes with people that I assume won’t throw them out windows anymore.

Because the Baby Club is a real thing.  Like the FPB.

sel1

Q.  You gonna tell that #PatootieFace there’s no such thing?  I don’t think so.

jcQ.  And you gonna tell that #ProudMamaFace to stop crying?  I don’t think so.

From the minute Cadence his the stage, Mom Julie was a hot mess.

jc1Haters gonna hate, but Amy and Julie are THE best.  Period.giphy-copy-6

The lady behind her is even making the exact same face.  What are the chances?

jcry

With all the waterworks you’d think they could at least top off that aquarium, tho.  fish

Cambrie felt bad that Cadence appeared a little lost on stage, but it gave Ms. Littlefield an opportunity to wear yet another outfit in a confessional.  So there was that.

cbJudge Toniann Rotante wanted more facial expression and had a last name that sounded like spaghetti sauce, so I immediately bonded with her.

Mangia, Mama Mia!  Gimme Face, dahling.

judgegiphy-2Little squirt Selyse was up next and was so cute I wanted to slap somebody.

sel3 kimselsel4Like Piper‘s Mom Katie, maybe, who called Selyse a hot mess.

Violence is never the answer kids, but you know…

kat2One thing I do like about Katie is her hair.

She has that messy hair like when you’re at the club and you see another girl texting your man and you just clip as much as you can out of your face before you throw down so the bitch doesn’t try and yank it out when you drag her across the floor.

That kind of hair.

kat

Ain’t dat rite, Cambrie?

cMmmHmm.  You know dat’s rite.  That’s why Mama wears a bun, yo.

TLC Newsflash:  Cambrie Littlefield….c3

…makes…c6

…winners…c7…mmmkay?

063e174f0ef5b86492ff523de274f8f2-jpgSide note:  Everyone on #TeamHope got iPhones as a bribe to get in the car.

hope“S.O.S.”…SEND.

ph“Dude.  There’s like NO Pokemon in here.  Not even a Squirtle.  This sucks.”…SEND.

ph2Next up was cutie Caitlyn who, as you’ll recall, was going for redemption this week after having her crown snatched right off her head at the last GemStars shindig.

Nobody is took’ed-ing her toys this time.  Ain’t happening.

cait6Somebody needs to prevent this kid from getting any cuter before she warps the Time and Space Continuum on Cuteness and all the ugly people get sucked off the planet.  And that’s not even a joke.

Her hair looked familiar…

melania…but for the life of me, I couldn’t place where I’d seen it before.

donald-melania-trump-bill-hillary-clinton-600When you’re cuter than your pink poodle, is that really fair to the rest of us?poodletoysDid she just snap his neck?

Mom Charis got upset that Caitlyn missed two parts of her routine…

ch…because if you divide the $100,000 that Mama’s spent on pageants so far, that averages out to roughly $50,000 per pinky wave.

tumblr_inline_n96vunKMhd1sdanxjBy the time Kaylee hit the stage, her hair was so big she had to spread her arms out for balance like those high wire people do when they  tip toe across rope tied between two skyscrapers.  Careful, gurl.

kay2It should probably be noted that one judge said Kaylee looked just like a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader, but this whole conversation could go wrong in so many ways that I think it’s best if we just move on.  #GoTeam.  dallas-cowboys-cheerleader-during-philadelphia-game

Side note:  Is that a real baby or one of those puppets where you make the mouth move with your hand?

puppet

Because Mom is still holding her the same way out back.  Why is she doing that?

puppet1

And what is even happening right now?

selfie

Doesn’t that seem kinda close to her face, or is that just me again?

Anyway.  Katie’s other daughter Harlie was next to wander the stage.

You remember Harlie.  She’s the one who looks like Piper but didn’t want to participate in the pageant like Piper.  Unfortunately, the check was already in the mail so bailing wasn’t really an option.

But Mom and Dad still love you and still think you’re special.

h2Long story short:

The Rules specified that any child over the age of 5 could not be coached by their Moms from behind the judges’ table without losing points.  You read it.  You signed it.

But then this happened.

jk

A few times, actually.

Was Jaimie coaching Harlie from behind the judges’ table?  Wasn’t that…?

Excuse me?

sn

Becky went OFF.

maxresdefault

Right behind the emcee.  Look at him almost drop the mic.

mc2Before anyone could even say ‘Sparkle, Baby’ the whole thing spilled into the hallway where Becky and her husband and Katie and her husband all pig piled on top of each other screaming about rules and breaking rules and how Harlie was a special needs child and —
powWait.  What?

Nobody ever mentioned that Harlie was a special needs child.  Just special.

Even Cambrie changed her outfit again and got all like…

cblIt was ON with the Moms.

You’re trailer trash.  You’re a bully.  Who bullies a special needs child?  You’re still trailer trash.  And you’re still a bully.

It got In.  Sane.

People were running in circles all over the place.  Charis came out of the ballroom all like ‘Keep it down out here!  We’re trying to run a damn pageant!’ while that one poor lady who just came downstairs to find a vending machine ended up caught in the crossfire holding her baby and an empty ice bucket.

wpcrazyLook at her.  You just know she was all like…

124c45d5bf34b506be033752dbf2701bThankfully, the other Deb (…Jayliana‘s Mama…) came swooping in to separate the women and get everyone back inside before Outfit of Choice got started.  Ain’t nobody gonna screw this thing up before my baby gets on stage.  Don’t even think about it.

Swear to God I will stick my stiletto wine bottle opener in your throat if you don’t sit down.

djAgain.  Violence is never the answer, kids.  But Deb has a stiletto on her sofa table.

Side note:  Check out that little girl trying to sneak a picture of Jaimie when she’s not looking.  She totally thinks she’s about to post a photo of Adele onto her IG account.

adeleAnd how about Yellow Shirt Guy trying to get on TV?  Look at his friend trying to dive out of the shot because he told all his buddies he was at a Wildcats game.

buddies

Riley and Piper finished off the Beauty Game and then the party really got started.

Outfit of Choice.

Cadence came bounding out as Harley Quinn, the Joker’s girlfriend.hqharleygifhq2She even had the hammer, which she smacked on the ground so hard…

comic_graphics_impacts_previmage

…that it made Julie cry again.

jc

Dr. Caitlyn was next to hit the stage, wearing glasses and dancing like a ’50s sock hop waitress on roller-skates.  I’m not really sure what that was all about, given the pageant’s theme, since I find doctors to be scary but not necessarily in the villain category.  Unless it was an homage to the recent Suicide Squad movie where Harley Quinn dressed up like a doctor and I just missed it.glassRegardless, my goal is to one day be as cute as this kid so it doesn’t even matter how nonsensical I behave.  She doesn’t even have lenses in those googlie things.

Then it was Kaylee’s turn to set the stage on fiyah.  Or almost, anyway.

Remember last week when they tested out those pyrotechnics and blew the hem on Cambrie’s pink babydoll dress up another 3 inches?  Well, it was showtime.

Dad clicked a bunch of Home Depot wires together, setting off fireballs and one of the restroom sprinklers as Double Oh Kay Kay werked the crowd.

Which seemed to wow the judges but rub Katie the wrong way.

tth

Apparently, somewhere in the GemStars contract was a clause that you couldn’t use Vegas Special Effects during your routine.  Or something.  They weren’t very clear about the actual verbiage.

But if Kaylee could use fireballs, then HellToTheYeah Piper was gonna use her smoke machine.  Which Mom just happened to have on her, BTW.

Because she’s a freakin’ redneck Boy Scout, that’s why.

What?  Your Mom never told you to make sure you stocked the glove compartment of your Nissan with a candle, a can of Spam and a fog machine just in case you spun off the highway and landed in a ditch and had to wait for help?

Next thing you knew, Piper emerged from the mist like the Phantom of the Opera.

Except that she was Poison Ivy from Batman.pipi2

And then it all just kinda fell apart.

Cambrie snuck at a peek at one of the judge’s scoresheets and saw that Piper and Kaylee BOTH received a ‘7‘ in one of the little boxes, which could not have been possible unless the whole pageant was…say it with me…RIGGED.

Somehow the whole thing spilled back out into the hallway again.

Trailer Trash vs. Bully:  Round II

Katie did this a few more times, like she did in the first fight…

tth

And Becky did this a few more times, like she did in the first fight…

cheatAnd then someone did this…

hand…which in shadow puppetry makes the face of a duck if you turn the lights out.  I’m not sure where they were going with that one, but note that there are still sunglasses securely attached to the back of Tim’s head.

And is it just me, or…?

tumblr_my99gypxjt1s4rha3o2_250

Katie yelled.  Becky yelled.

Take your birth certificate and shove it up your butt.

Rinse & Repeat.

powAnd then it over.  Or at least Part II was.

Will our Pageant Princesses ever make it to Crowning?

Who sent the FPB email?

And does this guy ever NOT wear a cowboy hat?dadAll those questions…and more…will be answered next week.

Same Toddler Time.

Same Toddler Channel.

Trust me.  It’s gonna be eye opening.

tb2

Toddlers & Tiaras: Holy Pageant Panic, Batman! When It’s Heroes vs. Villains, Only The GemStars Can Save The Day.

Friday, September 9th, 2016

listen

 

 

Bitch, I know you got my crown and I’m coming for you as soon as I finish this juice box.

 

 

augh

 

 

If the Fair Pageant Bureau finds out I’ve been claiming dental deductions for fake teeth…

 

 

wire

 

 

Pageants are like the Mob. They keep pulling you back in. And now they want me to wear a wire.

 

v

 

 

Now I’m not talking smack about other Moms, but I think a few husbands are riding hogs, too.

 

dont

 

 

That mask gave me such a headache. Every time I open my eyes, I swear all I see are cows.

 

 

shoe2

 

 

I don’t know what’s in that wine glass, but I just realized I’m only wearing one shoe. Hit me.

 

 

ps

 

 

Pardon my potty mouth, but I’m ’bout to make this pixy stick my bitch.

 

 

 

With apologies to Bonnie Tyler.

And Bruce Wayne, of course.

maxresdefault

I need a hero.

I’m holding out for a hero till the end of the night.

And a crown.  Duh.

Heroes vs. Villains.

tumblr_lzurpdhsam1qbbx6fo1_500

It’s the pageant Mesa, AZ deserves.

But not the one it needs right now.

13160cfc760522a65c46c667f6e8cc6e

Or is it?

Don’t touch that dial, cuz we’re about to find out.

snap

When we last saw our heroes, Sassy Supremes Pageant Coach Jaimie had just convened an emergency Sassy Meeting of Team Sassy over at stately Sassy Manor to address the controversy surrounding Soon-To-Be Not So Sassy Mom Kim‘s decision to (…maybe or maybe yes…) take tiny Selyse across enemy lines and join forces with Cambrie’s Court.  Because she was totally thinking of doing that.

Which, as previously discussed, is one of the top…if not THE top…No No in Pageant Land, followed closely by not properly maintaining your French Tips and thinking for one moment that this blog has any credibility in the Pageant World.

Right, Cambrie?

hh2She’s #Goals, BTW.

And she was totally in the process of giving this blog a thumbs up, despite what the screenshot may or may not imply.

Side note:  Can we just clear up, once and for all, the online controversy regarding her embroidered track jacket crest, please?

trump-plane-10

It’s not the same crest stitched onto the head rests in Donald Trump‘s airplane, even though the lady in the infomercial did kinda sorta look like Cambrie, which is probably how all this confusion began in the first place.

Look.  14K Gold clickers.

originalQ.  Shouldn’t she have her seat belt buckled during takeoff?

Look.  A giant Princess Crown that’s way bigger than yours.

cll

Q.  Shouldn’t she be wearing more clothes?

Again.  #Goals.

True Fact:  I plan to heart Cambrie right up until the day somebody wearing a suit or badge physically hands me an actual restraining order, because just threatening to do it on Facebook doesn’t count.

Anyway.

comic_graphics_impacts_previmage

Back at stately Sassy Manor, things were not going well at all.

It was approximately 295 to 1 as all the Sassy Moms ganged up on Kim during their Sassy Mom-tervention.  And it wasn’t pretty.

There were so many New Moms on cell phones and Old Moms on cell phones and one Dad Jimmy with so many drinks in front of him…

dad

…that the whole thing spun out of control so fast I’m not even sure where to start.

Long story a little shorter, nobody wanted Kim on the Team anymore.

Especially Bow Tie Mom Megan, who wasn’t wearing a bow tie this week…

bow2…and Mom Katie, who immediately got all Real Housewives on Kim’s a** like…

bf3Which made another copycat Mom get all like Yeah, What She Said”

tumblr_mvdh1kpzc91rh4wd8o1_400…without even looking up from the lengthy pageant application form she was filling out.

Spoiler Alert:  Thank Gawd I don’t have to send in a birth certificate.

Naturally, in true Toddler 2.0 fashion, every single Mom started in on Kim.  I forget their names, because they’re still pretty new to everybody.  But I love them all.

And their Felicia Game was on point.

There was the one who wanted Kim gone so bad she almost broke a hip.6359572984704414631803357613_byefel

And the one who was too cool to even say the words.
tumblr_inline_mmuikb1q9r1qz4rgpAnd the one who I personally felt was wearing too much makeup for such an early hour.tumblr_mwtco7tntn1qde4uko1_500But I’m not here to judge.  Just report the facts.

Interior Design Note:  One of the drawbacks to being in the Pageant World is that you always end up with one room in your home completely devoid of all furnishings except sparkle window sheers and carpeting covered in black electrical tape ‘Xs.’

Am I right?

Which isn’t necessarily a bad thing until you try to entertain.  Which explains why Jaimie and Kim ended up sitting on the floor discussing Selyse’s future while everyone else towered over them waving arms and iPhones like those inflatable whacky arm balloon people you always see in front of used car dealerships.

gr-kite-banner-sign#ByeFelicia.

And if there’s one thing they taught me at Trump University, it’s to always maintain eye level contact with your prey.  So you know Kim didn’t stand a chance in this negotiation.

Disclaimer:  Despite two Trump mentions in the first scene, this in no way implies an endorsement for either candidate in this year’s election.

#America.

When it was all said and done, Kim was out.

Which was just fine with Katie, who smoothly transitioned from #ByeFelicia to #TalkToTheHand without even skipping a beat.

sshhhbf2I know, right?  Nothing shuts a bitch up like a good ’90s reference.

the-handIs it really only the third episode?  Because I swear I could almost—

l_c9e79910a82d97683b678d45275219ef

We never did get an answer, tho, on what exactly was happening with this dog.

dog

Is he in Time Out?  Is he ok?  What’s even happening right now?

It’s a dog, right?

Somehow in the midst of all this hilarity, we still had time to scoot to Vegas and check out #InnovationNation All My Ladies #GetInFormation Dance Studio…tumblr_o27oxb4ntm1rv4aqro1_500innbeyonce-superbowl…where Cambrie was laying down the law for this week’s pageant.

Nothing much happened there.

Except for maybe the part when Mom Deb said that all the complainers should just stop complaining and go make cuter babies with someone better looking than their husbands.

Because she totally said that.  Maybe not just like that.  But pretty close.

We.  Love.  Deb.

You remember her.  She’s Jayliana‘s Mama.

Yaaaaaas, Mama!

tumblr_nzglgj7rmt1qlvwnco1_500Jayliana’s the little nugget who got all like…

bowww…when Miss Cambrie tried to make her wear a hair bow from the Mall.

Look at Solange just pushing that blonde chick outta the way when the beat dropped.

jay#NaturalHairDontCare.tumblr_nzglgj7rmt1qlvwnco1_500This kid is gold.  Literally.

This week the gang was head to the Heroes vs. Villains Pageant in Mesa, AZ…which was sponsored by GemStars…which was run by Jaimie’s Mom Debbie in an awkwardly incestuous kind of low score sheet way.

What could possibly go wrong?  Hold that allegedly rigged thought.

Because eventually, we actually met some of this week’s contestants.

zap

First up was 4 year old Cadence and her two Moms.  Dat’s rite.  Count ’em.

Mom #1, Amy, initially set off my CrazyAlarm, but it was a false alarm.

crzytumblr_nzglgj7rmt1qlvwnco1_500I know, right?

Mom #2, Julie, had Todd Bailey‘s old Boy Band hair and got pretty emotional over her expansive cow collection, which was totally understandable.

Because It.  Was.  Awesome.

cowscow3Look.  There’s another one over there.  Omigod.  They’re everywhere.

cow2

Kidding.

Turns out that she was actually choked up over her baby Cadence.  Who was adorbz.

And who had been diagnosed with cancer before even being born and was their Miracle Baby and if you didn’t get a little teary eyed while she told the story, then Imma need you to just leave now and beat traffic.  Cuz I love me some Moms who love their kids so much that they Ugly Cry on national television.

Amy and Julie are even more awesome than their cows.  I mean…look at ’em.

moms2werk3Anyone else think that aquarium could use some water?

fishContestant #2 was 9 year old Piper, Katie’s daughter.

That picture big enough?

piperPiper is a straight up #PageantPro who looks exactly like a CNN anchor in her glitz photos and has no intention of coming in Second Place…ever.  She knows her shizz and has a stash of GemStars sashes that almost knocked Julie’s cows from the Top Spot.

pip

Mom Katie, who we already met at Jaimie’s house…table

…spent most of her time outside on the picnic table, looking like she was singing a duet about some long distance relationship gone awry with Miranda Lambert‘s ex-husband.

We got plenty of juicy scoop and wet poop (…you see that?  That horse was nasty…) on the upcoming pageant and all things Facebook from Katie before heading inside to meet Piper’s sister who didn’t want to participate in the upcoming festivities.

This is Harlie, who looks like Piper and just wasn’t having any of it this week.

nopeUnfortunately, the downpayment check was already in the mail.  So you’re doing it.

No slight to Harlie, but as any true Toddlers & Tiaras fan knows, if you not doing it…this is how you let them know you’re not doing it, ‘kay?

Cuz this girl ain’t doing it.

tumblr_mez99lggyz1rt1rl9#Iconic.

Side note:  Do you think they even know there’s someone behind the refrigerator?

popLooks like Piper just figured it out.

We traced the calls.  They’re coming from inside the house.

tumblr_lw83ib0y3v1r8pma2o3_500

Jaimie said Piper was going to make that stage her Bitch.  So there was that.

Moving on, we left whining Harlie behind and revved up a shiny new Harley over at 6 year old Kaylee‘s farmhouse.

bikeThat’s Mom Becky, who in lieu of a picnic table, straddled a sweet ride the entire time she was being interviewed.  Motorcycle Mama.  She’s a wild child just like her daughter.

fire2Kaylee has a speech thing where she stumbles like Rihanna‘s Umbrella Ella Ella song, but she’s so cute I could overlook it as long as they’re doing what’s right for her behind the cameras.  If that tractor is pink, tho.  I swear…

Becky did this alot…

v3

….which made her look like a ’60s Love Child if you Snapchat flowers into her hair and pretend those garage shelves are stocked with drugs instead of whatever all that crap is.

And then this happened.  And I swear I wasn’t even stoned, man.

arrowF’real.

Miss Cambrie showed up in the most archery-inappropriate outfit imaginable to sling arrows into a tipped over front door/dirty mattress target like a Boss.

Just like Katniss from Hunger Games.

If Katniss wore a pink babydoll mini and wedged sling backs,  I mean.

tumblr_mnd730zjxs1rz62vio1_500And teamed up with whoever this is shooting Pokemon.

madoka_shooting_one_arrow_zpsbrt6donpDid I forget to mention that Magician Jackson Rayne showed up?  Because he did.

And not just because Cambrie has THE most random assortment of friends in her Contact List evah (…Dallas Lovato, anyone?…) but also because he was going to train Kaylee in the art of potentially disfiguring pyrotechnics.

Because fire makes everything better, yo.

fireEspecially Glitz Pageants and cosmic battles against Dr. Doom.

tumblr_llg7n74xap1qfiuy9Don’t try either of those things without adult supervision, kids.  Trust me.

To round out the lineup, we jacked our blood sugar to an unsafe level by meeting one of the cutest little niblets to ever grace a temporary Ramada Inn stage.

Five year old Caitlyn, who was so precious I almost blacked out.

dog3

And her Mom Charis, who had more money to burn than Johnny Storm up there.

snatch

Like upwards of $100,000 spent on pageants so far.

tumblr_inline_n96vunKMhd1sdanxj#AdoptMePlease.

True Fact:  At the last GemStars Pageant, Caitlyn had been robbed of her crown.

Literally.  Like ripped off her head and given to another little girl right there in front of everyone in the ballroom.  And her toys, too.

Actual never-before seen footage:

tumblr_m6v868fgpw1qil395o1_500So now it was Redemption Time.

And I got yo’ numbah, bitch.  Right here in speed dial.callher

Look at how cute she is.  Really.

snatch2Somewhere around here was when Cambrie took all her Court Cuties for a Spa Day.

Because of course.

And it was fun and all, but the only thing that really mattered was when we got to go home with Deb and slam back a few boxes of vino on the couch.

Please tell me you didn’t go get a snack right then, because it was Emmy-worthy.

shoeShe has a wine bottle holder shaped like a shoe.

Or maybe just has her shoe on the table and doesn’t care.

Not to mention about 17 additional bottles on the other end of the couch that didn’t get nearly enough screen time.  But it doesn’t even matter.

Because it’s Deb.  And she’s as awesome as those socks right there.

danceHaters gonna hate.  And then motivate.

Rinse & Repeat.

kapow-1

Finally, it was Showtime!

And time to meet Director Debbie…

debdreamy…who couldn’t believe that everyone already knew Jaimie was her daughter.

And that Jaimie wasn’t really Adele and had just been Jaimie all this time.

And that the Fair Pageant Bureau was a totally made-up company created by somebody using Outlook at a Staples store so the IP address couldn’t be tracked.

Because that totally happened.

Check it out.fpb

That not-sketchy-looking-at-all email right there that Debbie received prior to the event, warning her that Kaylee’s Mom had faked out her daughter’s age on the GemStars application in order to get her into a different age group because the toys are bigger.

Wait.  What?

This whole conspiracy theory just gave me a headache.

maskI feel your pain, Boo.

Bottom line, Becky was stopped at the check-in desk and patted down for Kaylee’s birth certificate, which no normal person would ever have anywhere on their person unless they were going across the border in the middle of the night for cigars.

Debbie wouldn’t let Becky get through security without a birth certificate.

Becky was all like ‘WTF?’

And then it all went downtown.

pow

Will our Pageant Princesses make it to the stage in time?

Who sent the FPB email?

And why is that lady talking into the wrong end of the phone?  Is it just me or aren’t the holes supposed to be on the other end?cellAll those questions…and more…will be answered next week.

Same Toddler Time.

Same Toddler Channel.

#ByeFelicia.

octo-pussoir

 


%d bloggers like this: