Posts Tagged ‘Toddlers and Tiaras’

Here Comes Honey Boo Boo: Y’all Better Redneckognize That It Was Fun While It Lasted. Say Buh Bye To Boo.

Monday, October 27th, 2014

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It’s true.

Honey Boo Boo Child has left the building.

Reality just got Real in McIntyre

And not even Alana‘s Chicken Nugget Power could save them this time.honey-boo-boo-chicken-nugget-1030

TLC shut down our little cheeseball.

Here Comes Honey Boo Boo has come…and gone.

No more mayo baths.  No more live chickens wandering the house.  And don’t even think about greasing up the kitchen floor like a Crisco flavored Slip n’ Slide, cuz that ain’t gonna happen again.

I think I’ve even lost my appetite for sketti.

The party’s over and all we have left is that big mystery stain on the living room carpet.

And memories.  Lots of them.  All burned into our brains like hot roadkill BBQ.

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tumblr_m8hy2m6xMB1ql5yr7o1_400Really, Mama June?

Apparently somebody on the sex offender registry thought it was, because in the end TLC agreed with Alana and pulled the plug when all that post-Sugar Bear shizz hit the fan.

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And now it’s RedneckGame Over.

Sadly, the good ones are always gone too soon.

But before I get too emotional…sing for us, Brad Paisley.

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RIP, Honey Boo Boo Child.

Peace Out.

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The Real Housewives Of New Jersey: WWHL’s One-On-One With Teresa And Joe Giudice…Now In Toddler Sizes.

Friday, October 10th, 2014

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“Is Bail Bettah?”

She wishes.

You know the story by now.  On October 1st, Joe and Teresa Giudice reported to court for sentencing on all their years of fabellini fraudulence.  They had already pleaded guilty to all sorts of bank fraud and tax evasion goodness and were finally facing the judge to receive their prison time.

Teresa got 15 months and Joe got a whopping 45 months, while Andy Cohen got off the easiest with only 60 minutes in the Watch What Happens Clubhouse.

That’s right.  It was the One-On-One 2 Part Special with Joe and Teresa and as soon as that WWHL train pulled out of the station, it was equal parts on-point and off the track for the entire two day trip.  All aboard.

Awkwardly Awesome ain’t even the word(s) for what went down at Bravo TV this week.

Moment after moment of OMG WTF-ness that left both me and Andy speechless and slamming shotskis as soon as the thing was over.

Notably odd was Teresa’s comment that she honestly believed her three youngest daughters did not know anything about what wassup at Casa Giudice.

Realistically, that’s an impossibility unless they are the only three students in their school.

But it did make me wonder how you would explain this whole mess to a toddler if he/she were really that oblivious to all the OK Magazine covers and text-eses that your Mom never reads.  Maybe with other toddlers, perhaps?

Pardon me while I grab my favorite WWHL Fairy Tale book off the clubhouse shelf…

tumblr_m8o3ojEOqF1rdutw3o1_500Once upon a time in the kingdom of BravoLand, there was a Queen named Teresa and King named Joe.  And they liked money.  A lot.

Making it.  And spending it.  But especially spending it.

Maybe too much.  But they figured out lots of ways to make lots of money.

And then even more money.

Some of the money came from The Real Housewives of New Jersey TV show, while some of the money was just make believe.  Like birthday unicorns.

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tumblr_mji38jzLIe1rrjlhho1_500The more money they made, the  more nice things they could buy.

Like doorknobs in the shape of giant angel wings, anything made out of faux fur and more hats then one woman could possibly wear in a lifetime.

Counting money and wearing hats is fun.

phpThumb_generated_thumbnailjpgracksWhen you have a lot of money, you can do lots of things.

But you can’t do this to the IRS…

rs_560x415-141006083023-1024.Teresa-Giudice-Joe-Giudice-WWHL-JR1-100614_copyMiddle-Finger-Girl-1When the King and Queen were finally caught doing bad things to get all that make believe money, they admitted to fake loans and incomplete listings of the palace furnishings and most of the Queen’s bling.

Even after signing papers that could possibly result in prison time, the Queen was completely shocked to hear that she actually had to go to jail next year.

I mean, she was shocked.  She was all like…

teresa-giudicetumblr_lw83ib0Y3V1r8pma2o3_500Nobody could believe that she had no idea she could go to prison for doing bad things.

Didn’t she sign papers?  TMZ had all kinds of them online.

Even the BravoLand Town Crier was all like Whaaaa-?!

You could tell he wanted to take them both and go…

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toddlers-4But he didn’t.  Because the cameras were rolling.

Apparently, the Queen likes to shop more than she likes to read, because she said she never actually read any of the papers the King made her sign for fake money.

And she never understood any of the other papers that the Royal Lawyers put in front of her that were now sending her to jail.

Ask the Queen to sit down and read something and she gets all like…

rs_1024x759-141006083033-1024.Teresa-Giudice-WWHL-JR-100614giphy-1“I do need to read things.”

Well, you’ve got about 15 months to catch up on a good book now.

When the Town Crier asked the King if he knew he was handing the Queen a whole bunch of make believe shizz to sign all these years, there were a few meathead slo-mo moments before he mumbled something about illegal things and tax stuff and some whatevers and then another whatever.

Lying is bad, kids.

Don’t lie.  Especially to yo’ woman.

teresa-giudice-1tumblr_mg0zmxiooU1qejlczo1_500Even though the Queen still seemed to be in complete denial that she was going to jail on January 5th, the Town Crier asked her if she was worried about her feisty Italian temper once she got locked up.

She wasn’t worried about herself.

The Royal Family…yes.  But herself…no.

She can handle life on the inside.

teresa-giudice-2tumblr_mga1wgnTkZ1qejlczo1_500When the King was asked if he was worried about the Queen being in prison, he kept it classy with a joke about chick-on-chick action in Cell Block T…

teresa-giudice-joe-giudice-wwhl-sentence-interviewanigif_enhanced-buzz-21689-1368634731-27We also found out that the Queen doesn’t know how to blow out her own hair.

Because I guess money makes you stupid.

Which is why she slicks it back a lot.  That’s way easier than plugging in a hair dryer.

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It was also revealed that the King has a drinking problem that was partially blamed on their TV show.

He can drink up to four bottles of Go-Go Juice in one night.

But only because it helps him sleep.

He may, or may not, seek help.  Or just spend 45 months drying out on his own.

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In the end, the King apologized to the Queen for sending her up the river for 15 months.

She didn’t seem too upset, though.  She was still standing by her man and gave him a kiss, acknowledging that he had been feeling pretty guilty for the last 24 hours.

Really.  24 hours.

She said that.

And then it was back to the royal palace.

Until it sells.  Or January.  Whichever comes first.

But for now…they lived (insert:__________) ever after.

The End.

wwhl-teresa-joe-giudice-w724tumblr_lny992Yf8l1qmt25uo1_400PS…Go check out T.Kyle’s realitytvgifs.  I totally lifted his AndyFace.  Thanks, dude.

Dance Moms Rewind Part 2: More Life Lessons And Helpful Tips From The Pages Of The ALDC Survival Guide.

Wednesday, June 25th, 2014

Pssst…

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Wait.  What?  Are you messing with me?
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Dance Moms is back?  Really?  OMG.  Shut.  Up.

fDaXui9Because that would be totally…

tumblr_n08yj1TcVT1trnwyzo1_500It’s no secret I’ve been a little off my game without my show.  More than a little, maybe.

Tumblr_mls5srHy611rrhylyo2_500Hold up.  Got a little too excited.  You’re telling me that there’s still one month to go…?

abby-lee-miller-dance-moms-shaking-head-faceSeriously?  Another month?

tumblr_n0fpjabors1ql5yr7o1_500I mean, really.  I don’t.

tumblr_m324l7IK1Y1qml33sBut I guess this gives us time to reflect on a few more lessons learned at the ALDC.

159157603dd2f4e278f6a980c398fabcLike when Abby taught us how to land a man.

tumblr_mgxmj4pdcO1s1k0b4o1_500You know dat’s rite, gurl.

tumblr_lruudm0ev61qziwr5Werk it.  But also know when to draw the line before that s*** gets nasty.

tumblr_mad73adwWl1rgsnbgo1_500Dr. Holly taught us that a sassy new hairdo can kick up any outfit a notch or two.

hollyThe whole makeover process is fairly simple, actually.

tumblr_m83gteIgRi1ql5yr7o1_400That first one probably deserves repeating.

fix-that-face-sheree1And I don’t think we need another discussion about getting a sistah’s hair wet, do we?

giphy-5Yup.  I think we’re done here.

Dance-moms-season-3-episode-13-holly-wrapKelly taught us anger management. But be careful what you say, honey…

tumblr_lxm6b5BEVs1qmsq6v…cuz you never know who’s listening.  (She totally heard you.)

giphy-6That’s why sometimes it’s easier to just fake it.  No one will ever know.

tumblr_malve13KLP1ql5yr7o1_400Proper nutrition is also key, no matter when and where you can get it.

Cathy_PizzaYou just need to know where to look.

tumblr_maxoawsY4f1ql5yr7o1_400It’s also important to stay well hydrated.

dancemomsInternally.  And apparently, externally as well.

tumblr_mt0qdenTrg1ql5yr7o4_250And when all else fails…just make it rain up in here, bitches. (Photo via MomCrush.com)

dance-moms-090313-62So I guess now we just need to hold it together for one more month.

Tumblr_static_chlo1212Focus on something.  Keep ourselves busy.  Dance Moms will be back soon.

giphy-7I told Lifetime to stop screwing around and now they’re putting our show back on the air.

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