Toddlers & Tiaras: Girl, Pleez. You Can Go All Around The World And Still Not Be Able To Hide From Coach Nikki.Friday, July 12th, 2013
Come at me, Bro. I dare you to push me off this stool again. Hide yo’ kids and hide yo’ crowns…The Living Doll is back in business!
Seriously. Let’s just call it what it is. I am waaay too pretty to have to put up with all this pageant crap.
It says if we talk s*** about any of the fat moms they’ll drive a stake thru Nikki’s heart and then cut off her head to make sure she doesn’t come back to life.
As if those fat moms would ever let go of a steak. Plus, only a silver bullet can kill me. Duh…I swear fat people are almost as stupid as ugly ones.
Bow to your Queen!
That kid’s got five more seconds to shut up and show up or Mama’s gonna be on stage giving them finger kisses they’ll never forget.
I’m ’bout to make it Rayne on all these crazy a** bitches.
Let’s do this.
Grab your passports and flippers, people…we’re going on a road trip.
While you’re at it you should also probably pour that Go-Go Juice into a few travel-ready 3 oz bottles and get one of those international adapter plugs for your glue gun, because we’re going Around The World this week and it’s going to be tough enough just trying to get industrial-sized canisters of explosive aerosol hairspray through Customs.
That’s right. Toddlers & Tiaras snuck over the border into foreign lands for their latest competition, all courtesy of Precious Moments Pageants. And it was truly a global experience.
Think International Sample Day at Costco meets The Love Boat.
Literally. The Love Boat. With sugary snacks. And costumes from every country.
And guest stars galore.
Pageant Director Tanisha Dorsey explained how the whole thing was going to go down in a very matter of fact kind of way. Don’t get me wrong. She’s nice enough, but not nearly as crazy as I like my Pageant Directors. Not even close. More cray cray, please.
Tanisha basically just read us the description from the website like you do during a Powerpoint presentation. The ultra über goober winner was going to score a crown, a hot air balloon ride and some lovely parting gifts. The End.
As for that balloon ride, it wasn’t really spelled out what they would be seeing or where they would be going, but I’m guessing that it wasn’t to Oz or the vineyards of Italy.
Without reading the fine print, I’m thinking more of a quick pass over the Ramada roof. I should probably check the website before I start making things up.
The Outfit of Choice portion was going to be Totz Internationalé and basically just opened up the flood gates for any of the stereotypically ethnic interpretations that got Paula Deen booted out of Target. If it’s on a pizza box lid, a Disney ride or the back of a nickel…it’s all good. You get the idea.
After Tanisha wrapped it up, we met 6 year old Brenna and Mom Melissa.
Satan…we found your child.
Kate Gosselin…we found your hair.
Yup. That Brenna. The Brenna made famous by The Soup and every geek out there who knows how to put a video link on a loop.
The Poster Child for why you should always wear a helmet when you bungee jump, Brenna was last seen three years ago falling down what I would have sworn were four flights of stairs after tipping completely out of the camera shot during a droopy, drowsy post-pageant interview.
After stating, in her best Anna Nicole slur, that she was “…a Living Doll…” Brenna had disappeared somewhere at the bottom of our television screens, presumably never to be seen or heard from again.
But she’s back now, bitches.
Serious head trauma and brain swelling aside, Brenna seemed to have survived the Death Drop, though I think it changed her hair color and may have tweaked her personality test scores a little bit.
Kind of like when Jason Quartermaine hit that tree in the middle of the night going 120 mph on General Hospital and suddenly changed his name and got a gym membership.
Brenna was back. But it was Brenna 2.0. Leaner and meaner. And blonder.
Way more meaner and blonder, now that you mention it.
She was bossing Daddy Don around like he was her personal pageant beeotch, making him put on the same headgear that they wear in those Crown Royal liquor commercials while he groveled at her feet as Mom spiked the back of her hair like she was filming a reboot of Jon & Kate Plus 8.
Seriously. Where do you even go to find someone that knows how to cut that style anymore? Melissa was a pip and I really liked her. But honey, please.
If Kate Gosselin doesn’t even want that hairdo anymore…it’s time.
I mean. C’mon. Kate Gosselin.
I’m going to also assume that Brenna was the one who made Dad put on that polyester Chess King shirt with all the race cars screen printed all over it, because no grown a** man would buy that on his own, right? Just tell me No.
I would have killed to have bedroom curtains that cool when I was 7 years old. That would have been awesome. But Dude…
As Brenna blew an artery because the battery in her pink Big Wheel Cadillac wouldn’t hold a charge, we were off to meet the second little princess.
It’s a very nice neighborhood, but watch your step as we approach the house, because that big gaping hole in their front lawn leads directly down to the fiery pits of Hell…
…and Coach Nikki Williams‘ condominium.
Yeah. Coach Nikki. She’s back.
Pageant Coach from Hell Nikki was back in the hizzle and already talking shizzle about fat moms and ugly babies as she put 4 year old Madison through her routines.
The coach that you love to hate and hate to love, Nikki had Madison’s Mom Shelley a little flustered right from the get go as she awkwardly tried to explain why the family chose Nikki as their coach.
It was something about how Nikki’s girls always win Supreme titles, but the last part got (bleeped) out right as Nikki directed Mad Dawg Maddy to get all that wedgie pickin’ out of her system before she put on frilly underwear.
And fix that big space between your legs.
Wha–? Wait. Did they just–?
Honestly, by the time Mom told America that her daughter had a fat a** and Nikki got (bleeped) out again, I just needed a cocktail and an unlisted number.
Nikki scares me.
The final Ultimate Grand Supreme wannabe was behind a bus somewhere.
Not literally. But like Extreme Makeover Home Edition when they scream “Move That Bus!” and then you see the house and the kids go completely NutWad.
Because that’s how they got the house they lived in now. For realz.
Pint-sized 3 year old Sophia-Rayne and Mom India explained how black mold in their old home had almost ended her pageant career before it even started, until they were blessed with their new digs. Thanks to their knock-off Gone With The Wind home, Sophia-Rayne was now healthy, sassy and ready to get this thing done.
She was my favorite kind of pudgy cute with one of those runny noses that you don’t even bother trying to wipe because it just happens 24/7 regardless of the weather. You just learn to deal and make sure it gets photoshopped out of the glitz pictures. So cute.
She also looked exactly like a tiny Gladys Kravitz from Bewitched. I swear. Scroll back up and look at her picture. I’ll wait.
Sophia’s Outfit of Choice was going to be a gigantic Phoenix Indian Goddess contraption that you usually only see in Pride Parades. Mom was part Cher or Cherokee or whatever and had commissioned a designer to create this thing that was half Native American, half Christmas tree topper.
As India explained the genealogy of the Dances With Pretty Feet tribe and a couple random men came through the back door to help build a tee pee out of duct tape and IKEA closet rods (…Ty Pennington couldn’t have done that while he was there?…) TLC treated us to on-screen School House Rock pop-ups that basically conflicted with every word out of Mom’s mouth.
Conjunction Junction, what’s your Function? Indians landed on the Moon first!
Not to be outdone, Brenna was back home working my last nerve as she worked on her Cleopatra routine with Coach Cambrie Littlefield.
Yeah. Cambrie. She was back, too. (Told you. Guest stars galore.)
Cambrie, better known as the anti-Nikki, was still gorg as evah as she attempted to take Brenna out for a run in the hopes of starting her on a healthy lifestyle at an early age.
That’s important. Plus, you can’t be Miss America with a muffin top. It’s in the rules.
Looking like they were filming a workout video for the Nature Channel, Cambrie got about 14 feet from the starting line before Brenna completely melted down and needed to use the bathroom. Like five minutes ago.
Cue the dramz.
Screaming. Panic. Hysteria. Miles from the bathroom. Where was it? Why was Dad still wearing that Nascar shirt under his workout tee? And why do Dads always carry their kids like they are water balloons about to burst whenever they need to go potty?
And ps…you’re in the freakin’ woods. How do you think the Pilgrims did it?
Back at Madison’s, Mom received an email from the pageant director, which subtly referenced Nikki’s negative street cred by listing miles and miles of pageant protocol that they had to adhere to or hit the road.
We’re talking scroll. And scroll. And scroll some mo’.
The short version was crack the window and leave Nikki in the car.
Then there was some more fat, ugly, jealous of me shiz that got (bleeped) out during an iPhone FaceTime convo that proved beyond a doubt my theory that Nikki was calling from inside the Poltergeist TV.
I know, right? I have an AT&T dead zone right outside my apartment, but Nikki gets reception in Hell. What a rip.
Finally, it was Showtime!
And another guest star! My girl Carla Smith, fresh off her Director gig at last week’s Flintstone Pageant, was working the emcee role this time around.
Who knew she multi-tasked? Hey, Girlfriend!
No clue why they had her stuck behind a podium that looked like a xylophone table from the Crate & Barrel Little House on the Prairie Collection. But she owned it.
Brenna hadn’t slept for six months or so, and was already ripping everybody a new one before they got all the luggage through the front door. Madison was psyched to be at the hotel and Sophia-Rayne had a runny nose.
Side note: Nikki’s reflection could be seen in the lobby mirror. They showed it. So I stand corrected on my previous declaration that she is actually the blood sucking Queen of the Vampires here to take our children.
I’m man enough to admit when I’m wrong. Score one for you, Nikki.
The Beauty portion went like it always does.
Sophia-Rayne had a pretty green dress on that made her look like Gladys Kravitz dressed as Delta Burke. I think I have a crush on that little kid.
Madison was either wearing too much blush or having a hot flash and went head to head with Nikki again. Round #487.
Brenna knew she was beautiful, and kept saying it until some off-camera interviewer asked if she was beautiful and then her self doubts morphed into a not so beautiful complete Mariah Carey meltdown.
I need time alone. Running. Crying. Screaming Diva SnitFits. The usual.
There always has to be one kid that goes AWOL right when their number is called.
Carla was just about ready to drag a baby up on stage to kill time with some impromptu ventriloquism when Mariah finally decided to grace the crowd with her presence.
Nice you could join us.
The Around The World Wear part was colorful and just as chaotic.
Sophia-Rayne rocked it like a Native American Grand Marshal and the judges ate her up with a spoon. Madison was some kind of pizzeria waitress and did ok, considering that Nikki was waiting off stage to kick her in the a**.
I swear. Those two.
Brenna was about to perform when she noticed the girl on stage doing an Aphrodite Dance. And to a 6 year old, or anyone who skipped most of their freshman year mythology class, Aphrodite looks exactly like Cleopatra. So it was meltdown time again.
I need time alone. Running. Crying. Screaming Diva SnitFits. Get those cameras out of here! Mariah going bat s*** bazoinkers and Cambrie being too pretty to punch a kid in the throat on national television.
Why can’t this show be two hours?
When Mariah finally made it up on stage, she was shrouded in what I originally thought was brimstone smoke from Nikki’s first arrival on Earth, but it turned out to just be dry ice for the Cleopatra coffin routine.
Then some kids won some stuff.
Sophia-Rayne scored Grand Preemie Supreemie. Madison got Beauty Supreme, which made Nikki go off like one of the Mob Wives again.
Beauty Supreme? (Bleepin’) useless senseless fat mom with ugly baby award.
Despite all the drama, Brenna won Top Prize and got to have her picture taken standing inside a cardboard hot air balloon. Please tell me that wasn’t the actual prize.
My girl Carla said good night, told the room to drive safe and for everyone to meet her at Applebee’s for shooters. Love. Her.
And then it was over.
Let me tell you. Going Around The World is exhausting.
But so is being a Living Doll.
And I should know.