Toddlers & Tiaras: It Was A Pint-Sized Bad Girls Club When Kailia And Kayla Met Again For Round Two Of Their Sparkly Grudge Match. It’s Not Always Sunny At California Tropic Pageants.Thursday, July 12th, 2012
That’s right, Kailia. I’m back, and I’m coming for you…and those big googly eyeballs.
Oh. Hell. No, Kayla. You did not just go there, you cracker eating crybaby.
Check it out. Third time’s a charm. And I still don’t think you’re ready for all this jelly.
And this is what I think of your booty pop and that tired old piece of recycled Shirley Temple.
That’s my baby. ‘Cause pageants are all about good sportsmanship, right? Especially when you know the other kid’s a loser.
Ok. I want credit for this when it finally happens.
Best. Youtube. Video. Ever.
Someone else just has to make it, since I haven’t really mastered the iMovie app yet.
Take the soundtrack from VH1’s Bad Girls Club. Throw in some sound bites from any random season of The Bachelor when a girl cries or talks about how beautiful she is compared to the other girls.
Lay the whole track down over the camera work from this week’s Toddlers & Tiaras, and you just basically nailed exactly what the latest episode sounded like in my head.
Plus you just created a viral masterpiece that is gonna win us both an Emmy when Anderson Cooper picks up on it and leaks it on his show, because now that he’s all Out and About you know he likes that edgy pop culture stuff. We love Andy.
Yup. It got nasty this week as everyone’s favorite guilty pleasure returned for another season of glitter and glitz.
From smack talking Moms to one kid smacking another kid on the nose with her prize money like she was dangling fish bait, it was totally the kind of stuff that you relive the next day at work while you’re sitting at your desk praying that someone else mentions it first so you can discuss it openly without looking like a creeper.
It was the beach themed California Tropic Pageant in beautiful waterless Arizona.
(Yeah. I know. I don’t make the rules.)
Pageant Director Carol Fleming, who apparently loves pageants and eyebrow pencils more than anything else in the whole wide world, explained that all the little princesses were asked to Come Party On Our Island and win massively oversized crowns and a chance at a Hollywood Babe photo shoot.
Again. Yeah. I know. Arizona.
I guess asking all the little princesses to Come Enjoy Our Heat But Not The Humidity didn’t have the same draw for potential hotel crowds. But Carol was into it, and that’s what you want from a Pageant Director. So you go, girl.
First off we all got to meet 4 year old Kayla, her high pitched, ear bleed inducing cries and her Mom April. Mom proudly bragged that tiny Kayla’s personality just screamed “Ultimate Grand Supreme.”
It also screamed “I’m being abducted” at a pitch that only dogs could hear.
That kid definitely likes to scream and cry when she doesn’t get her way. She howled NO NO NO so many times I thought we were watching one of those assault prevention classes that the police departments always offer to college women who have to walk home alone after cheer practice.
Trust me. By the time Kayla finished one of her rants, I would have preferred a knee to the groin.
Don’t get me wrong. Kayla’s a cutie, in that puffy round baby face kind of way. Even though she is 4, she still has a wicked Cabbage Patch doll noggin that either means she needs more sleep or had too much salt this week.
But the girl ain’t known for her facial features. She’s known for her booty pop.
Her Good Ship Lollipop Booty Pop, to be precise.
After Flashback #1, we all remembered that Kayla is the little nugget who had already wowed the judges at two earlier competitions with her Shirley Temple dance. The dance that Shirley Temple would do if she was the lead for the Pussycat Dolls or had to strip to pay for baby’s formula. That one.
But it’s cute when a 4 year old does it in a two piece sailor outfit. So she’s free to use it one more time this week. It’s just one of those dances where someone is going to wake up one morning and suddenly be too old to do it without giving an international businessman a bad impression of America. Just keep an eye on that one, Mom.
Kayla also worked her canopy bed frame pole a little too comfortably for a show that airs before 2am on basic cable. Not really sure what that was all about, but I immediately shut my blinds just in case, because I don’t have any lemonade or chips on hand if Chris Hansen decides to drop by unannounced with a camera crew.
Kailia was a bundle of energy, self assuredness and cartoon animation all rolled into one bouncy piece of KidSpaz.
Crazy cute and hyper beyond a level that any scientific instrument could ever register, Kailia had a voice and a face right out of a Disney movie. Her eyes were all over the place when she talked, as if their speed was somehow magically based on how fast she spoke or sang. I believe that she is made from the same goop that is inside a Stretch Armstrong doll.
Right about here is when it all started to get a little Bad Girls Club.
Kailia’s Mom, besides giving the kid a name that is incredibly difficult to type without putting all those “I’s” in the wrong place, also displayed some not so sportsman-like behavior throughout the show, even though she liked to toss that word around quite a bit.
Turns out that Kayla and Kailia have faced off before in a previous pageant, and Marcy and April are not feeling the love.
Marcy ain’t feeling it because she doesn’t find Kayla to be any competition, now or in the future. Or the distant future. Or ever.
April ain’t feeling it because she thinks that Marcy’s a beeotch. She didn’t actually say it, but rewind your DVR really slowly backwards and it comes out clear as day like Satan worship on a Led Zeppelin album.
While April is keeping an eye on Kayla’s booty pop, Marcy needs to keep an eye on Kailia and make sure her daughter doesn’t start picking up some of Mom’s bad attitude. Self confidence is one thing. Pointing out that all the other kids are not even worth wasting your competition focus on is another.
Marcy liked using all the fancy sportsmanship words, but I don’t think she’s ever Googled them to actually read the Wikipedia definitions. That kind of behavior in a Mom ain’t pretty. Not at all.
But hey…you know what is pretty?
Danielle. Or at least according to Danielle, anyway. She’s 10 years old. She’s beautiful. And she’s just telling the truth.
(Seriously. If you bitch slap your television screen, does that count as child abuse in the courts?)
One more Flashback and we got to relive Danielle’s last meltdown when she didn’t win the Motherlode of Pageant Crowns. She cried and bawled about other girls stealing her spotlight and taking her spot and was even nice enough to tell another young contestant that “I’m done with you.” Mom Tedi just ran in circles all flustered in her smock.
Not much has changed, even though Danielle claimed that she had matured and now nobody could call her a brat.
Somebody might not want to check their Facebook page for a few days, if you know what I mean.
Moving on, we scooted over to Secretary Barbie’s office. Or at least that’s what it would look like if Mattel made a real life version of the plastic one.
Pageant Coach Georgina Vaughan was Barbie come to life, surrounded by every pink office supply that you could possibly order through 1-800 STAPLES. She also had the patience of a fully blessed Saint as she tried to get one good run-thru of Kayla’s routine.
I really liked her for some reason. I bet she’s a hoot at a pizza joint.
Two hours and 97 meltdowns later, Barbie had yet to see if Kayla knew up from down by the time Mom returned from the Mall bearing gifts and bribery crackers.
I guess the deal was that Kayla got to look at the pack of crackers if she promised to practice. If she actually went to practice, Mom would open the cellophane. If the planets all aligned and pigs started to fly around the room, Kayla could get a cracker tossed at her like Kibbles.
The woman is a Saint, I tell you.
Not to be outdone by her competition, Kailia was lifting one leg up in the air with her Coach Cambrie Littlefield.
Yes. The Pageant Name Generating Machine was working overtime this week.
Much like the booty pop, the one leg yanked straight up in the air move also has an age expiration date. And Cambrie demonstrated exactly when that happens. Right about the time that she did it side by side with Kailia.
To misquote my girl NeNe Leakes from The Real Housewives of Atlanta…”Close yo’ legs to married men. And pageant judges.”
Danielle’s big drama this week, aside from having to bear the weight of all that Beauty on her tiny shoulders, was her missing pageant gown. Miss Muffet, the dress designer not the tuffet-sitting one I assumed, was late in delivering the custom costume for Danielle’s runway extravaganza. Danielle was freaking out that this could possibly effect how very beautiful she would be on Pageant Day, while Mom just ran in circles all flustered in a different smock.
Luckily Dad eventually saved the day and drove over 800 miles to pick up the dress because somebody who we won’t name apparently couldn’t get off their tuffet long enough to make it down to FedEx.
We also got to witness Danielle’s kitchen tanning ritual, complete with one of those pop up spray tents and gossipy Tanning Lady. Nothing too exciting, but remind me to not take a swig off of that rather large collection drink bottles and half empty Pepto Bismols that were laying around the counter. I guess when your kid’s bikini butt is already on the dining room table you have other things to worry about than second hand overspray.
Finally it was Pageant Day. And for emcee Derrick Chrisinger, it was the most bestest day ever. I will bet you money he does this for free it’s so much fun.
Dude was beyond excited to be there behind his folding table. Wearing one of those headset mics and blasting out his “Contestant Number 205….Siennaaaaaaaah” radio announcer voice, at first I thought he was the ShamWow Guy who’s always in a booth at the State Fair next to that mop you never have to touch.
I’m totally answering my cellphone like Derrick from now on, and changing my outgoing message immediately.
I’ll call you back as soon as I caaaaaaaaaaaaaaan…..
He’s my idol.
The stage looked like a combination of leftover Hollister mannequins from the Mall and some Target beach chairs, but it got the beachy point across.
As soon as all the Moms ended up in the same room, the Bad Girls Club came out to play again. Even the pint-sized version.
Kayla (allegedly) told Kailia that she was gonna beat her. Kailia (allegedly) talked some smack right back at her. The Moms got tightly wound and Marcy started throwing all those sportsmanship words around again even though her actions never quite matched up with her mouth.
I was actually going to give her one more chance, right about the time when she got on April’s case and said some garbled up something or other incorrectly using the word “objection” in a way that didn’t even make sense in the context of her rant, and I washed my hands of that one for good.
Check one more Pageant Mom off my holiday card list and call her a lost cause.
I say it every time. I’ve met some ridiculously nice and funny Moms through this site. I know they’re out there. And I know it’s possible to hustle your kid on and off stage without making the other Moms want to wait for you outside in the parking lot with one of those really tall trophies that could crack a skull. Chill out.
The pageant itself was no big deal. No stage fright. No stage collapses. Pretty tame all around, except for a tense moment when Kailia’s naughty nurse magic act almost flat-lined when her brother almost forgot to sneak out during the hospital bed disappearing trick. Trust me, in a few more years that boy isn’t gonna need any nudging to disappear from that house on his own.
It should be noted that Kayla wore a perfectly round hairpiece that looked like octopus tenticles, while Danielle’s first ‘do looked like 1960’s Priscilla Presley on a bad day before Elvis got fat. No idea what was going on up there with that one.
When they took Danielle into the public bathroom to check out her massive hair, it kind of looked like there should be smeared eyeliner on her face and line of coke on the sink.
Relax. I’m not saying she does anything more than pixie stix. I’m saying it was that kind of hair. That’s all…no emails, please.
We got some booty pops and even Danielle not popping her cherry enough.
Whoa. I’m just quoting the judge who thought her soda jerk outfit could have been blingier. Don’t be a perv. Remember, I’m out of chips and lemonade.
Regardless of the level of her popping, Danielle ended up winning enough to make her still feel beautiful and give her enough street cred to sashay across the ballroom rubbing it in everyone’s nose.
Kailia won the Big One which gave her a fan full of money that she then proceeded to slap on Kayla’s pudgy nose. That made April cry and made me mad, too.
My only hope as we wind down from this week’s sugar buzz is that TLC decides to have a show that is nothing but three Pageant Moms sitting in a row talking s*** about each other, because this one ended in a classic Bad Girls Marcy vs. April showdown that made Tedi sweat through her last clean smock.
By the time Marcy opened her pie hole one last time and dissed Kayla, I put my Led Zeppelin CD on a backwards loop and deleted her from my iPhone contacts.
I smell cracker crumbs and a rematch.