Toddlers & Tiaras: Step Right Up And See The Coach Nikki Sideshow! The Southern Elite Cirque Is A Heaping Helping Of Kentucky Fried Glitz.Friday, December 28th, 2012
Nana nana bo bana. Banana fana fo fana. Fe fi fo fanna… Nana’s broke.
She ain’t seen the White Trash Mafia until she’s seen it from the inside of a Dodge Ram trunk. It’s on, bitch.
Ssshhh. Be veeewy quiet. I’m hunting wabbits and winning pageants, Silly.
So you either win this (bleepin’) thing you little (bleep) or I take you back to Hell with me. Got it?
Bleep Bleep Bleep Trash Trash Trash Bleep Bleep Bleep Trash Trash Trash
Not gonna lie. A parking lot chick fight would really up my street cred with the other Directors. Annette would be so freakin’ jealz.
Don’t look now, but I’m about to crown somebody before this circus even gets started. Watch my purse, will ya?
And you thought clowns were scary?
You ain’t seen nothing yet.
Brace yourself, because the Southern Elite Pageants circus just rolled into town…and it’s at least three full rings of crazy. Guaranteed.
Toddlers & Tiaras brought the Carnival to Kentucky this week, and according to one Mom it was going to be On Like Donkey Kong before the kids even hit the stage.
Pageant Director Dorothy Poteat broke it down for us before we met the latest pack of princesses. It was all about the Glitz and the Sparkle and that Kentucky intensity that the locals are apparently well known for around these parts.
And Dorothy doesn’t lie from what I could tell, because she had that former Sorority Girl face that made you not only believe whatever she told you, but also made you feel sad that she didn’t end up with the football jock that she secretly crushed on for four years. That kind of face.
We liked her, but she definitely needs to ramp up the Krazy factor if she wants to make it into my Top Ten Hall of Fame.
Our first contestant was 7 year old Gracie along with four of the cutest puppies I’ve ever seen, all going totally bazoinkers in the front yard.
With Real Mom Shannon and Fake Mom Kacie both watching over her, little Gracie looked like that afternoon fabric softener commercial where the baby is pig piled by a litter of puppies who are almost as warm and fuzzy as freshly laundered bath towels.
Fake Mom turned out to be the pageant authority in the family, as well as Gracie’s Aunt.
Mom needed some help (…and SPOILER ALERT: a tag team partner for a little upcoming throw down at the pageant…) and as Fate would have it, Aunt Kacie was more than happy to help out with both assignments. So bring it on.
Next up was 6 year old Ashley and Mom Christie.
Oh, Ashley. Let’s just say that if there were ever an Ultimate Grand Supreme crown for Most Words Spoken Without Ever Taking A Single Breath, little Miss Ashley would definitely be wearing that shizzle on her head because she didn’t shut up once for the entire episode. Not once.
If kiddie pageantry doesn’t turn out to be her thing, Ashley certainly has a future in deep sea fishing or scuba diving, because her body does not seem to require the intake of any oxygen whatsoever as she rambled on and on about every crown and every title and every sash and every trophy and every Beanie Baby and every My Little Pony and every glitter sticker currently in her possession without skipping a beat.
Luckily, as with other chatterboxes that we have met in recent episodes, Ashley is still young enough where the precocious factor outweighs the urge to pull your own ears off with your bare hand just to make it all stop. Being only 6 years old, she still has a few more good years left before someone completely loses their nutty on her in a slow moving elevator. But right now, she is cute as a button and needs to have her cheeks squeezed by Grandma at least twice a day.
And speaking of. Since the whole pageant thing is a little pricey if you’re really in it to win it, Mom had turned to Nana Kathy for funding, and quickly realized that taking money from the Family is just like taking money from the Mob.
They own you.
Nana was more than happy to pay for everything necessary to keep Ashley in crowns, with the stipulation that whatever she says…goes. Like in The Godfather.
Because if Nana was going to financially back this race horse, it was only fair that she have final say on everything coming into the barn, so to speak.
And you know I loved me some Nana. Between that Walmart cashier sassiness, a hair style that you know requires at least five hours in a JCPenney salon chair because she pisses away so much time gossiping about her stories and whether or not Jessica Simpson is really pregnant again, and lips that looked like she just finished off a fruit punch Juice Box, Girlfriend just made me smile.
If I ever need an extra Nana, I’m hitting her up at Bingo Night. Nana Realness.
And finally, a moment of silence for our third contestant.
More than a moment, actually. Waaaay more. Do not adjust your television sets.
Painfully shy, yet ridiculously cute, 6 year old Jersie tip toed onto the screen and basically stood in one spot so quietly that I had to check my remote just to confirm that I hadn’t accidentally sat on the volume button when I reached for my cheese balls.
Mom Danielle had entered Jersie into her first pageant hoping that it might help bring her out of her shell and prove to the world, once and for all, that this cutie patootie was indeed born with functioning vocal chords.
After listening to Ashley take a verbal inventory of every piece of pageant paraphernalia in her house…twice…it was kind of refreshing to just watch a little kid stand there in dead silence until pigeons landed on her head. Almost statuesque, I tell you.
But the silence didn’t last very long as Nana and Mom and Ashley hit the nail salon for some pre-pageant pink glitter polish.
Ashley said yes. Mom said no. Nana said yes. Ashley really OMG totally wanted the pink glitter polish. Mom left her cash in her other pants. Nana paid the salon bill.
Who do you think won that one?
Then it was off to rehearse with Jersie and her new coach Madison, who appeared to have taken a leave of absence from a part-time gig at Hot Topics in order to teach The Shy One the Ways of the Pageant.
After boosting everyone’s confidence by admitting that she had no freaking clue what she was doing and that all her pageant coach training had come from watching past episodes of Toddlers & Tiaras, Madison tried to show Jersie how they finger kissed last season while Mom sat back and chewed her nails.
Inspired by Madison’s story, I also have decided to use the knowledge gained by watching past Discovery Channel documentaries and go work on the International Space Station with the Russians. It could happen.
Sometimes it’s better to not even try to make sense of things and just move on…
Ashley got her time to ramble on…and on…and on…and practice for the competition, accompanied by a few of those random, nameless children that I always love seeing magically appear in the background. The nameless boy seemed to be into it, but the nameless girl seemed to be having a rough time coming down from an earlier background Pixie Stix guzzle.
Locating all these stray, random children who keep showing up in living rooms and back porches is really turning into a kind of Where’s Waldo? game that I like to play in my head when the storyline doesn’t keep my attention. You should totally try it sometime.
And then the s*** got real.
Mom Shannon mentioned that Gracie’s only real competition in the upcoming pageant was going to be a little scamp named Faithlyn. And then I heard thunder outside my window and one of my action figures fell off the shelf.
Faithlyn? Did she just say Faithlyn? Not Faith (…pause…) Lynn, right?
Thank you, baby Jesus. Because wherever singular Faithlyn goes, Pageant Coach from Hell Nikki can’t be far behind.
And sure enough, the floor of some dark Abercrombie & Fitch fitting room buckled and out crawled Nikki, swearing and cussing and talking (bleep) about everyone on the pageant circuit.
Explaining that during a recent ballroom altercation Nikki had called out Real Mom and Fake Mom for being members of the White Trash Mafia, Shannon was looking for the opportunity to slap some bronzer right off Nikki’s sarcastic puss.
Shannon don’t play, especially when she can tag Kacie through the ropes and then double up on Nikki’s smirking face like the bitch just cut in line on Black Friday.
Oh, it was on. WTM WWE Style.
Finally, it was Showtime!
With Faithlyn as her unsuspecting pawn, Nikki activated Operation: Mind F*** on the ballroom. Letting everyone know that Gracie wasn’t really that cute, she began the process of getting inside all the other contestant’s heads while multi-tasking that last minute sequin drama that always seems to manifest itself right before they call your number.
Watching the (…alleged…) WTM Moms just waiting for Nikki to talk smack about their kid reminded me of those high school girls leaning on their Daddy’s Trans Am getting ready to rumble over something that went down at last weekend’s cafetorium dance. I pity the fool who disrespects their youngins or tries to text their man from the bathroom during Stairway to Heaven.
You just don’t do that.
Meanwhile, Nana’s choice to override Mom and allow pink glitter polish came back and bit her on the butt when it turned out that french tips don’t adhere to sparkly things.
For the dudes in the room, french tips are like when you clip your nails and then change your mind and try to glue them back onto your fingers.
Ain’t gonna happen. And it almost made Ashley late for her Beauty Walk.
But the glitter really hit the fan when Gracie showed up in her new red dress.
OhNoSheDin’t. A red dress. Just like the one Faithlyn was wearing.
Nikki was so (bleepin’ bleeped) that anyone would have the (bleeps) to wear (bleepin’) red, because everyone knew that Faithlyn had purchased a new red dress.
Honey. Unless it was on a CNN screen crawl or she’s actually a Kardashian, I’m thinking that Faithlyn’s new red cupcake dress could have slipped under the radar for a few Americans. Regardless, Nikki felt that Gracie’s red knockoff looked like (bleep) and went back to her sequin drama. Bitch.
This time around, the actual stage activities were not nearly as captivating as all the off-stage antics. It should also be noted that there seemed to be a fairly large showing of big church hats in the audience this week for some reason. Not sure what that was all about, unless it was a Sunday pageant or everyone was going to Boston Market after the show for the half chicken meal deal.
But I felt it should be pointed out just because I like big hats.
Gracie attempted a so-so booty pop move for the judges, which resulted in a disrespectful Nikki and Faithlyn mockery in the hallway. Gracie did the G rated version, while Nikki had obviously trained Faithlyn to work it like she was soaping up the hood of a car in some music video. No wonder Mom won’t go on camera.
Before crowning, Shannon couldn’t stand it any longer and took Nikki out in the parking lot to settle the score. I was hoping for some Real Housewives of Kentucky weave-pulling action, but Nikki just called her trash again and walked away, carrying what was either a Juicy Couture markdown from last year or the bag you get in the lobby when you register and pick up your sticky tag.
Nice sparkly crown logo, Nik. Girrrrl, you ratchet.
Then some kids won some stuff.
Jersie actually came out of her shell a little, and seemed to have fun wearing her tiny crown upside down. Ashley was a winner no matter what, according to Mom, and I like when they tell that to their kids.
Faithlyn beat out Gracie on the food chain, so you know Nikki had no problem rubbing that in everyone’s face before crawling back to wherever she comes from each weekend.
Then as fast as it had rolled into town, the circus pulled up stakes, took down their tents and stacked up the ballroom chairs. Everyone climbed back into their clown car SUVs and headed off into the horizon all full of sugar and aerosol fumes.
And somewhere out there…or down there…Nikki is clutching a little lap dog and already plotting her next attack on the Earth’s surface.
That is just (bleeped) up.