Posts Tagged ‘Toddlers and Tiaras Faithlyn’

Toddlers & Tiaras: Step Right Up And See The Coach Nikki Sideshow! The Southern Elite Cirque Is A Heaping Helping Of Kentucky Fried Glitz.

Friday, December 28th, 2012

 

 

Nana nana bo bana. Banana fana fo fana. Fe fi fo fanna… Nana’s broke.

 

 

 

 

She ain’t seen the White Trash Mafia until she’s seen it from the inside of a Dodge Ram trunk. It’s on, bitch.

 

 

 

 

Ssshhh. Be veeewy quiet. I’m hunting wabbits and winning pageants, Silly.

 

 

 

 

So you either win this (bleepin’) thing you little (bleep) or I take you back to Hell with me. Got it?

 

 

 

 

Bleep Bleep Bleep Trash Trash Trash Bleep Bleep Bleep Trash Trash Trash

 

 

 

 

Not gonna lie. A parking lot chick fight would really up my street cred with the other Directors. Annette would be so freakin’ jealz.

 

 

 

Don’t look now, but I’m about to crown somebody before this circus even gets started. Watch my purse, will ya?

 

 

And you thought clowns were scary?

You ain’t seen nothing yet.

Brace yourself, because the Southern Elite Pageants circus just rolled into town…and it’s at least three full rings of crazy.  Guaranteed.

Toddlers & Tiaras brought the Carnival to Kentucky this week, and according to one Mom it was going to be On Like Donkey Kong before the kids even hit the stage.

Pageant Director Dorothy Poteat broke it down for us before we met the latest pack of princesses.  It was all about the Glitz and the Sparkle and that Kentucky intensity that the locals are apparently well known for around these parts.

And Dorothy doesn’t lie from what I could tell, because she had that former Sorority Girl face that made you not only believe whatever she told you, but also made you feel sad that she didn’t end up with the football jock that she secretly crushed on for four years.  That kind of face.

We liked her, but she definitely needs to ramp up the Krazy factor if she wants to make it into my Top Ten Hall of Fame.

Our first contestant was 7 year old Gracie along with four of the cutest puppies I’ve ever seen, all going totally bazoinkers in the front yard.

With Real Mom Shannon and Fake Mom Kacie both watching over her, little Gracie looked like that afternoon fabric softener commercial where the baby is pig piled by a litter of puppies who are almost as warm and fuzzy as freshly laundered bath towels.

Fake Mom turned out to be the pageant authority in the family, as well as Gracie’s Aunt.

Mom needed some help (…and SPOILER ALERT: a tag team partner for a little upcoming throw down at the pageant…) and as Fate would have it, Aunt Kacie was more than happy to help out with both assignments.  So bring it on.

Next up was 6 year old Ashley and Mom Christie.

Oh, Ashley.  Let’s just say that if there were ever an Ultimate Grand Supreme crown for Most Words Spoken Without Ever Taking A Single Breath, little Miss Ashley would definitely be wearing that shizzle on her head because she didn’t shut up once for the entire episode.  Not once.

If kiddie pageantry doesn’t turn out to be her thing, Ashley certainly has a future in deep sea fishing or scuba diving, because her body does not seem to require the intake of any oxygen whatsoever as she rambled on and on about every crown and every title and every sash and every trophy and every Beanie Baby and every My Little Pony and every glitter sticker currently in her possession without skipping a beat.

Luckily, as with other chatterboxes that we have met in recent episodes, Ashley is still young enough where the precocious factor outweighs the urge to pull your own ears off with your bare hand just to make it all stop.  Being only 6 years old, she still has a few more good years left before someone completely loses their nutty on her in a slow moving elevator.  But right now, she is cute as a button and needs to have her cheeks squeezed by Grandma at least twice a day.

And speaking of.  Since the whole pageant thing is a little pricey if you’re really in it to win it, Mom had turned to Nana Kathy for funding, and quickly realized that taking money from the Family is just like taking money from the Mob.

They own you.

Nana was more than happy to pay for everything necessary to keep Ashley in crowns, with the stipulation that whatever she says…goes.  Like in The Godfather.

Or Seabiscuit.

Because if Nana was going to financially back this race horse, it was only fair that she have final say on everything coming into the barn, so to speak.

And you know I loved me some Nana.  Between that Walmart cashier sassiness, a hair style that you know requires at least five hours in a JCPenney salon chair because she pisses away so much time gossiping about her stories and whether or not Jessica Simpson is really pregnant again, and lips that looked like she just finished off a fruit punch Juice Box, Girlfriend just made me smile.

If I ever need an extra Nana, I’m hitting her up at Bingo Night.  Nana Realness.

Love.  Her.

And finally, a moment of silence for our third contestant.

More than a moment, actually.  Waaaay more.  Do not adjust your television sets.

Painfully shy, yet ridiculously cute, 6 year old Jersie tip toed onto the screen and basically stood in one spot so quietly that I had to check my remote just to confirm that I hadn’t accidentally sat on the volume button when I reached for my cheese balls.

Mom Danielle had entered Jersie into her first pageant hoping that it might help bring her out of her shell and prove to the world, once and for all, that this cutie patootie was indeed born with functioning vocal chords.

After listening to Ashley take a verbal inventory of every piece of pageant paraphernalia in her house…twice…it was kind of refreshing to just watch a little kid stand there in dead silence until pigeons landed on her head.  Almost statuesque, I tell you.

But the silence didn’t last very long as Nana and Mom and Ashley hit the nail salon for some pre-pageant pink glitter polish.

Ashley said yes.  Mom said no.  Nana said yes.  Ashley really OMG totally wanted the pink glitter polish.  Mom left her cash in her other pants.  Nana paid the salon bill.

Who do you think won that one?

Then it was off to rehearse with Jersie and her new coach Madison, who appeared to have taken a leave of absence from a part-time gig at Hot Topics in order to teach The Shy One the Ways of the Pageant.

After boosting everyone’s confidence by admitting that she had no freaking clue what she was doing and that all her pageant coach training had come from watching past episodes of Toddlers & Tiaras, Madison tried to show Jersie how they finger kissed last season while Mom sat back and chewed her nails.

Inspired by Madison’s story, I also have decided to use the knowledge gained by watching past Discovery Channel documentaries  and go work on the International Space Station with the Russians.  It could happen.

Sometimes it’s better to not even try to make sense of things and just move on…

Ashley got her time to ramble on…and on…and on…and practice for the competition, accompanied by a few of those random, nameless children that I always love seeing magically appear in the background.  The nameless boy seemed to be into it, but the nameless girl seemed to be having a rough time coming down from an earlier background Pixie Stix guzzle.

Locating all these stray, random children who keep showing up in living rooms and back porches is really turning into a kind of Where’s Waldo? game that I like to play in my head when the storyline doesn’t keep my attention.  You should totally try it sometime.

And then the s*** got real.

Mom Shannon mentioned that Gracie’s only real competition in the upcoming pageant was going to be a little scamp named Faithlyn.  And then I heard thunder outside my window and one of my action figures fell off the shelf.

Faithlyn?  Did she just say Faithlyn?  Not Faith (…pause…) Lynn, right?

Thank you, baby Jesus.  Because wherever singular Faithlyn goes, Pageant Coach from Hell Nikki can’t be far behind.

And sure enough, the floor of some dark Abercrombie & Fitch fitting room buckled and out crawled Nikki, swearing and cussing and talking (bleep) about everyone on the pageant circuit.

Explaining that during a recent ballroom altercation Nikki had called out Real Mom and Fake Mom for being members of the White Trash Mafia, Shannon was looking for the opportunity to slap some bronzer right off Nikki’s sarcastic puss.

Shannon don’t play, especially when she can tag Kacie through the ropes and then double up on Nikki’s smirking face like the bitch just cut in line on Black Friday.

Oh, it was on.  WTM WWE Style.

Finally, it was Showtime!

With Faithlyn as her unsuspecting pawn, Nikki activated Operation: Mind F*** on the ballroom.  Letting everyone know that Gracie wasn’t really that cute, she began the process of getting inside all the other contestant’s heads while multi-tasking that last minute sequin drama that always seems to manifest itself right before they call your number.

Watching the (…alleged…) WTM Moms just waiting for Nikki to talk smack about their kid reminded me of those high school girls leaning on their Daddy’s Trans Am getting ready to rumble over something that went down at last weekend’s cafetorium dance.  I pity the fool who disrespects their youngins or tries to text their man from the bathroom during Stairway to Heaven.

You just don’t do that.

Meanwhile, Nana’s choice to override Mom and allow pink glitter polish came back and bit her on the butt when it turned out that french tips don’t adhere to sparkly things.

For the dudes in the room, french tips are like when you clip your nails and then change your mind and try to glue them back onto your fingers.

Ain’t gonna happen.  And it almost made Ashley late for her Beauty Walk.

But the glitter really hit the fan when Gracie showed up in her new red dress.

OhNoSheDin’t.  A red dress.  Just like the one Faithlyn was wearing.

Nikki was so (bleepin’ bleeped) that anyone would have the (bleeps) to wear (bleepin’) red, because everyone knew that Faithlyn had purchased a new red dress.

Everyone?  Seriously?

Honey.  Unless it was on a CNN screen crawl or she’s actually a Kardashian, I’m thinking that Faithlyn’s new red cupcake dress could have slipped under the radar for a few Americans.  Regardless, Nikki felt that Gracie’s red knockoff looked like (bleep) and went back to her sequin drama.  Bitch.

This time around, the actual stage activities were not nearly as captivating as all the off-stage antics.  It should also be noted that there seemed to be a fairly large showing of big church hats in the audience this week for some reason.  Not sure what that was all about, unless it was a Sunday pageant or everyone was going to Boston Market after the show for the half chicken meal deal.

But I felt it should be pointed out just because I like big hats.

Gracie attempted a so-so booty pop move for the judges, which resulted in a disrespectful Nikki and Faithlyn mockery in the hallway.  Gracie did the G rated version, while Nikki had obviously trained Faithlyn to work it like she was soaping up the hood of a car in some music video.  No wonder Mom won’t go on camera.

Before crowning, Shannon couldn’t stand it any longer and took Nikki out in the parking lot to settle the score.  I was hoping for some Real Housewives of Kentucky weave-pulling action, but Nikki just called her trash again and walked away, carrying what was either a Juicy Couture markdown from last year or the bag you get in the lobby when you register and pick up your sticky tag.

Nice sparkly crown logo, Nik.  Girrrrl, you ratchet.

Then some kids won some stuff.

Jersie actually came out of her shell a little, and seemed to have fun wearing her tiny crown upside down.  Ashley was a winner no matter what, according to Mom, and I like when they tell that to their kids.

Faithlyn beat out Gracie on the food chain, so you know Nikki had no problem rubbing that in everyone’s face before crawling back to wherever she comes from each weekend.

Then as fast as it had rolled into town, the circus pulled up stakes, took down their tents and stacked up the ballroom chairs.  Everyone climbed back into their clown car SUVs and headed off into the horizon all full of sugar and aerosol fumes.

And somewhere out there…or down there…Nikki is clutching a little lap dog and already plotting her next attack on the Earth’s surface.

That is just (bleeped) up.

Toddlers & Tiaras: The Iconic Carolina Queens Pageant Brings Out The Best And The Worst…And Nikki. Trust Me, It’s Exhausting Being This Beautiful.

Thursday, December 20th, 2012

 

 

 

Umm. Duh. I know them other girls be jealous of my crayon song. Haters gonna hate, mmmkay?

 

 

 

 

 

And by “she’s a little rude,” I mean they don’t even want her in Hell. For realz.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Bleep Bleep Bleep Bleep Bleep Bleep Bleep Bleep Bleep Sparkle, Baby.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Lemme just slap on another four coats of this mascara and then I gotta go f*** up your coach in the lobby. Ok, honey?

 

 

 

 

 

Hellooo? I’m right here. With my little dog. I can hear you.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Oh. My. God. She’s such a bitch.

 

 

 

 

Who knew being pretty was so much work?

Trust me.  You have no idea.

The wait is over.  Toddlers & Tiaras kicked off the official premiere of their new season this week in typical sprayed down, glitzed up fashion.  Everyone’s favorite Guilty Pleasure was back with all the craziness that we secretly live for each week as the Carolina Queens Pageant spiked pageant hair and pre-diabetic blood sugar levels to an all-time record high.

And as if that wasn’t enough…proving that the Mayans may actually be on to something with that whole calendar thing, the bowels of the Earth even opened up and allowed a Coach from Hell to claw her way up to the Earth’s surface.  Stay tuned for that one.

Pageant Director Tanisha Dorsey broke it all down for us before the party even got started.  And as they say on RuPaul’s Drag RaceTanisha What?!

Right away I was confused, because when I saw her name in TV Guide I got all excited thinking she was going to be that crazy a** VH1 Bad Girl’s Club chick who clanged all those pots and pans together when the other bitches wouldn’t get outta bed.

Pageant Tanisha may hold the title for the most misleading name in all of television, because when I’m standing behind her at Kohl’s, Girlfriend don’t look like no Tanisha.  I wish you could sue TV networks for getting your hopes up for no reason.

Mental duress or something.

This Tanisha was nice enough, but nowhere near as crazy as I like my Pageant Directors and she certainly didn’t go out of her way to dress up for the occasion, which was kind of a bummer.  I like ‘em big and flashy.  But she was still really into it as she explained the Icon Wear portion of the pageant, which is the part where all the little contestants would be dressing up as…duh…Icons.

Our first little princess was 6 year old Mackenzie and her Mom Stephanie, because you can never have too many Mackenzies in the pageant world.

(What ever happened to the original one, by the way?  She must be like 28 now…)

The new 2013 model Mackenzie was redoinkulously cute, especially when Mom gave her those two Princess Leia hair poofs that made her look like a she was the star of her own Cartoon Network show.  She needs a whacky sidekick and pet unicorn, asap.

And the girl liked to sing.  Made up songs.  On every subject.  That kind of sing-songy la la la thing that is really cute until you’re stuck in rush hour traffic and you just want to stuff your Starbucks lid in her mouth after two hours on the expressway ramp.

Mackadoodle performed an original number about her crayons which already has me waiting for the ReMix version to hit iTunes, and then went on to explain how everyone else is jealous of her pretty eyes and pretty face and pretty hair and pretty whatever.

It’s exhausting being this beautiful.

I feel your pain, sister.

Next up was 9 year old Faithlyn.  Not to be confused with Faith Lynn.  Because that’s not her name.  One word.  No spaces, thank you.

Get it right, or you’ll face the wrath of Pageant Coach Nikki, who entered the house through a hole in the kitchen floor, all covered in brimstone and last year’s eye shadow.

Faithlyn awkwardly explained that Nikki was…umm…a little rude.

Nikki explained that she just (bleepin’) says it like it is, and she doesn’t take any (bleep) and that if you’re going to win a pageant you need to get your (bleep) together.  All in front of a 9 year old.  A (bleepin’) 9 year old who was the (bleep) on stage.

If there was ever a time for the Other Tanisha to  show up and clock somebody in the back of the head with a frying pan, it would have been right about now.

The final princess in the Tiara Trifecta was 3 year old Selena and Mom Sabrina.

This little Butterball of a Beyoncé-in-training was still young enough to be able to get away with a few pounds of baby fat, since she was still chronologically pretty much a baby.  She had those cheeks you just wanted to squish with both hands, and those Cabbage Patch doll eyes that could lock down on a bag of candy from across the room like a military laser.

Mom was quick to point out that Selena was not your actual, average weight for a pageant girl…but history is full of thick girls Who Run The World.  So deal with it.

This one just happens to run that world while under some form of solar house arrest, which requires that Selena remain inside her home at all times in order to maintain her trademark golden skin tone.  Mom doesn’t want her accidentally tanning herself out by the pool, I guess, so she keeps her inside behind tempered, sun blocking thermal glass while her brothers run around shooting hoops in the driveway.

Don’t ask.

During a photo shoot (…the camera adds 15 pounds.  Don’t say I didn’t warn you…) we also learned that cutie patootie Selena had a tendency to develop Homeless Feet, which turned out to just be an extremely politically incorrect way to describe what happens when you wobble around barefoot.  Honestly, the way everyone was screaming and running around with Windex you would have sworn it was some kind of communicable disease or something, but it turned out to just be kitchen linoleum spooge.

Crisis averted.  Stand down.

While Selena was getting a foot bath, Faithlyn was rehearsing her routine under the (bleepin’) watchful eye of Nikki, and two dogs who were playing the role of judges when they weren’t licking themselves.

During the practice session Faithlyn had Dead Bird Arms, Nikki swore some more and the judge that looked like Lassie would probably have rather thrown himself down the well alongside Timmy than sit next to that piece of Crazy Coach on the couch.

Mackenzie’s rehearsal wasn’t going much better, thanks to an uncooperative umbrella that Mom had purchased for her Icon prop.

That, and a zebra print pleather couch.

No lie.  Where do these people find these things?  It was Jersey Shore meets Pageant Pizzazz.  I wouldn’t even know where to begin to find a store that would sell something like that.  No wonder Mack couldn’t focus.

And while we’re on the subject.  One thing I always love about the T&T family scenes.

There is almost always a random assortment of spare children who are never explained, introduced or even acknowledged in these scenes.  But there they are.  Hanging out on the couch watching the rehearsals, swinging yo-yos and mugging for the camera.  Either give them name tags, or explain how they got in the house, please.

This time it was a little Snookie-looking girl in some kind of jungle print Baby Gap number and a blonde kid in Toy Story cowboy boots, dodging falling knick knacks as Mackenzie side swiped everything in the path of her eratic umbrella swings.

Yeah.  Unless Mom was going to wrap the entire living room in bubble wrap, that routine needed a little work.

Selena, on the other hand, was simply refusing to rehearse.  Surrounded by two more of those random background kids, Baby Beyoncé would not budge her pudge until Mom upped the ante.  Bribery works, but only the good stuff.

Like that 32″ plasma nailed to the wall.  Selena got that for doing some finger kisses and pretty feet the last time she had a meltdown.

Seriously.  A 32″ plasma.  For a 3 year old.  For just walking from one piece of duct tape to another.  Sign me up for that gig and I’ll finger kiss someone until my hand cramps.

And then suddenly, we were somehow transported to the school that Oprah Winfrey opened up for all those girls a few years ago.  Or at least I thought we were.

Mackenzie was in a classroom, all decked out in some whacky Disney Channel concert outfit, doing some kind of Show & Tell with a Hasbro microphone.  I’m not even sure what was happening with this one.

Surrounded by Ashanti and Naima and a bus load of little Oprahs, Mackenzie tried to get them to all channel their Inner Diva while school marm Miss Tanya Zachary used incorrect grammar to praise the process.

I just can’t.

Luckily a commercial cut in before Ashanti could point out that White Girls are Crazy.

Back in the (?) Real World, Faithlyn was getting her (bleepin’) hair trimmed by the heavily tattooed Joshua Ketron, while Nikki did what Nikki does best.  Somewhere along the line Nikki had picked up a little lap dog that she dressed in coordinating baby clothes, and the poor thing almost had nervous piddle between all that swearing and the Greenwich Village salon dude.

With Faithlyn trapped in the chair, Nikki used her captive audience as an opportunity to swear some more and bash overweight Pageant Moms, wondering out loud what they eat to be that big.

Donuts, probably.  Not everyone consumes the souls of little pageant girls, Nikki.

Finally, it was Showtime!

And Nikki Time, of course, as she went for the (bleepin’) throat of some poor bullied makeup lady who was only trying to do her job on Faithlyn.

As Nikki creepily stroked her little lap dog like some Flying Monkey had just scooped him up in Oz and dropped him in her lap, she bossed the makeup lady up one side and down the other about face paint and mascara.  When the unsuspecting makeup lady casually commented that she didn’t like the finished look…well…it just got ugly.  You need to watch it to fully appreciate the inappropriateness.

Some woman dressed up like Wynonna Judd was the emcee, and she wanted to get this party started.  And she said it.  A few times.  She kind of looked like a mix of performing Wynonna and mug shot Wynonna, but it was all good.

Because she liked to party.

Selena’s Dad Sergio finally made an appearance, and I swear he looked exactly like some gardener on an ABC show.  Not the Desperate Housewives guy with no shirt, but somebody else that escapes me right now.

Dad was all about the pageants, and even did the judging table dance that is usually reserved for crazy Moms.  Dude can work a weed whacker and a cupcake dress.

I really do admire any Dad who can support their kid in Pageant Land and still maintain a grip on their ManCard, though I could have done without a few of the backwards over the shoulder pouty faces, Sergio.

Work it, Daddy.

Faithlyn’s flipper didn’t fit her face very well, but it was pretty insignificant when compared to the two Dbag dudes in glitter tank tops who accompanied Nikki everywhere she went.

Again.  I just can’t.

I can’t even explain it.  And neither could TLC apparently.  The guys just appeared in the lobby, not even paying attention as they tried to hook up with hot chicks via their white Eurotrash iPhones while Nikki blew a nutty because Wynonna took a breath between Faith and Lynn.

That (bleep) is (bleeped) up.  It’s one word.  Don’t make me tell you again.

Icon Wear was truly iconic.

Selena did a 3 year old’s version of Single Ladies, but totally forgot to yank her skirt off in the middle of the song.  Having her brother step in and strip her down on stage was disturbing on so many levels that I’m going to have to leave that one to a qualified psychologist and move on to the next girl.

Mackenzie twirled her umbrella ella ella all over the stage without losing an eye, so that was a win.

Faithlyn’s I Dream of Jeannie routine was slightly compromised  by not one…but two… tiny Barbara Edens in the ballroom.  What are the chances?

Nikki blew two more nutties over that…one for each Jeannie.

Then some kids won some stuff.

Selena won candy.  And Tootsie Rolls are way better than a big crown, so she went home with a full belly and a smile.

Mackenzie didn’t win the good stuff, so she was a little bummed.  But she still managed to sing another song about something or other and la la la’d her way out the door and back to Cute Town, USA to play with her crayons and feed her new unicorn.

Faithlyn won Most Beautiful, which really urked Nikki because some of the ugliest kids in America win that pointless award.  She knows that Faithlyn is pretty.  Tell her something she doesn’t know.

And what the (bleep) is Faithlyn gonna do with Play-Doh?  What the (bleep) kinda prize is that?  Not to mention that the girl who won Grand Supreme looked ridiculous.

Absolutely (bleepin’) ridiculous.

Then I walked away from the television to brush my teeth, floss, wash my face and iron my clothes for the next day.  And when I finally came back Nikki was still swearing and complaining.

Somebody needs to get (bleeped.)  Bad.

See you next time.  Unless Nikki and the Mayans were right, that is…


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