Toddlers & Tiaras: Ain’t No Hairpiece High Enough, Ain’t No Flipper White Enough To Keep Me From You. It’s Universal Royalty’s Motown Tribute!Sunday, August 19th, 2012
My Home Depot sandblast tan makes me feel like the King of the World! And makes me way cuter than my sister.
I can see all my kids’ houses. Even with my eyes closed. Or with my binoculars when they sleep.
She’s not a circus monkey. They throw poop and stuff.
Oh. Hell. Yeah. You bring that wad o’ cash down here, bitch. And don’t you be steppin’ on my giant bunny.
Move next to your mother, you said. It’ll be fun, you said. She can’t pick a lock, you said.
Stop. In the Name of Love.
I mean, really…
I’m still coming down from my Honey Boo Boo buzz and already everyone is getting on my case because I have yet to process the latest Toddlers & Tiaras extravaganza.
With so much pageanty goodness smeared all over our television screens lately, it’s a wonder anyone gets any work done by the end of the week as we all hang around the water cooler waiting for someone else to start a conversation on the latest shard of glitter to poke us in the eye.
This week it was all about the Sisters…and a Brother…showing their soulful side at the Universal Royalty Tribute To Motown Pageant where, according to Director Annette Hill, there was gonna be a party all up in here.
We’ve all had the pleasure of meeting Ms. Hill a few times already, and every time she shows up at a pageant I swear that she is a little more hyper and happy to be there.
Personally, I think a good chunk of that enthusiasm might stem from sitting at home tallying up the Hill Trust Fund, since the UR website starts Annette out at a minimum of 5,000 dollah just to show up at your hotel.
For CheapWads like myself, she’ll hit you up on your Sidekick for a base rate of only $500. It’s probably not a Face Time iPad2 kind of thing, since you know she’ll still be in her silk pajamas, but I bow to any and all entrepreneurs out there who can get it done without taking the curlers out before noon.
I also heard it through the grapevine that Annette had arrived at the hotel in a minivan with an I’m Hot For Berry Gordy bumper sticker, and she let us know right from the start that there was a very good chance that she was going to have to put down that mic at some point and jump right up on stage for a jelly roll or two.
Annette loooved her some Motown, and I instantly had what I would bet is a pretty accurate vision of her bathroom dancing to a Diana Ross cassette while the Keurig overflows decaf all over the kitchen floor.
I love me some Annette, too, even though her voice is about three notes too high on the piano scale. When she gets excited it gets a little chalkboardy, if you know what I mean, but she’s a hoot.
Our first contestants came as a Buy One/Get One special. The brother and sister combo pack, as it were.
What 10 year old Mackenzie lacked in self esteem and vocal clarity, she more than made up for in orthodontically challenged front teeth and height, as she towered over her 7 year old brother, Christian.
The siblings had quite the love/hate relationship as they elbowed each other into the perfect camera position before proclaiming they were each going to bring home the big trophy this time around and then rub the other’s face in the victory. Chris was cool with the whole rivalry thing, but Mack seemed to have some issues.
You see…Mom Loni never said it, but Christian was definitely her favorite. Or at least the favorite to win.
Well, maybe she did say it, sorta. It was hard to tell because she had one of those nervous, borderline certifiable laughs that would just burst out of her face randomly at different spots during every sentence. It was the kind of laugh that crazy people sitting behind you on a city bus do without warning at a stoplight, and when you finally get the nerve to turn around and look you realize they’re wearing yesterday’s newspaper as a hat.
Yup. Mom was living her dream through her kids. That much I got.
The favoritism issue was a little odd, considering how badly Loni had wanted to give birth to an Ultimate Grand Supreemie back in the day.
As soon as she had seen a potential princess on the ultrasound, Loni had gone ahead and signed up the fertilized egg for her first pageant. Yeah. Before the dough was even done rising.
Never having signed myself up for any pageant, before or after leaving the womb, I’m not really clear on the process. I only hope that they didn’t require a recent photo, since…you know…she was still down there. Eeeew.
A few years later, during one of Mack’s first pageants while Loni was incubating yet another potential trophy winner, Mack had some kind of Pixie Stix induced hissy fit, kicked her unborn brother in the head and Loni went into labor. Right there at the Ramada.
Twelve hours and one new son later, Loni was back at the hotel in time for the sashes to be handed out.
I know, right? Two crownings in one day.
Next, as opposed to a well placed foot in the uterus, we got some Fierce slapped in our face by the second princess of the week.
All sassy and snappy was 6 year old Jayla and her Diva Mom Jamesia.
MmmHmm. That’s all you need to know.
The third and final stop was a true family affair. Unfortunately, not everyone in the family seemed to have fully bought into this whole pageant commitment thang yet.
And it showed.
Pageant Grandma Lana was the one in charge here, and 3 year old Chloe was her new full time project. Grams needed a hobby, and pageants looked easier than learning how to scrapbook. So let’s do this. How hard can it be?
Chloe was cute, in that ride your Big Wheel down the long hallway of a hotel in a horror movie kind of cute. She had the good of whacky smile and eyeballs to match. Cute kids always make me grin. But the Evil Force that inhabited her eyes had apparently already sucked some of the soul from her parents.
Dad Joshua, whose Native American name translates into One Who Could Not Want To Be Here Less, made it clear from the start that he had no clue what was going on. He wasn’t a girl (…thanks for clearing that one up, dude…) and didn’t understand why little girls dressed up like they do at pageants. Dad also looked like he had taken a shovel to the back of the head in an old Warner Brothers cartoon as he slowly drawled out random snippets of Josh Wisdom. No idea where he was.
Second only to Josh’s exhuberance was Mom Amanda. How either of these parents got roped into this one is beyond me, since they both walked on and off out of camera shots like they forgot TLC was even filming the stupid thing.
Turned out that Lana had her entire family hunkered down in the same neighborhood. Almost the same street. And when you cram too many hamsters in the same cage…well, that just never ends well.
As she explained it, when she first landed in town she plopped a shiny penny on a map, circled it in mother’s milk and blood and made all her kids live within that spherical radius.
You heard me. Not even a quarter. A penny.
She can see their houses from her house. She can probably watch their TVs if her own cable goes out.
She can even smell their dinner. And their fear.
When Amanda wasn’t hiding liquor flasks inside hollowed up books on the library shelves, she just stared blankly ahead and proclaimed that Lana was her favorite Mother-in-Law. Just like she was told to proclaim.
Who’s my good girl?
On a happier, sassier note, Jayla went to get her hair did. Mom brought not one…but two…hairpieces for Kymberli the Stylist to work her magic on as Jayla sat in the chair channeling Beyoncé and Angelina Jolie. And Nicki Manaj. And Britney Spears.
Yeah. Jayla’s a handful.
So is Kymberli, who also liked to be called Barbie for some reason that was never divulged. She had that really pigmented red hair that crazy a** salon girls always seem to have, that somehow magically grows out and gives you roots before it ever washes off your temples from the first day of processing the color.
KymBarberli and Mom could have argued over the virtues of Up Dos vs. Down Dos until the cows came home, but it was getting close to Pageant Day so they needed to figure this thing out asap.
Meanwhile, the Chosen Son Christian and What’sHerName the Sister were outside attempting to get their spray tans.
Somehow Mom had gotten her hands on one of those microscopic art store airbrushes that Marie Osmond uses to put blush on the cheeks of her QVC dolls, and was spritzing a mist so fine it didn’t even show up in HD.
Seriously, the pageant would be over before she got any tint on either of them, so Dad excitedly pulled out the industrial air compressor and they proceeded to hose down Christian like a soldier serving in Iraq during sand storm season.
The favoritism kicked in again when it was Mackenzie’s turn, because I swear Dad flicked the knob all the way to Paint Stripping mode before they blew her, and her Pippi Longstocking braids, into the neighbor’s backyard.
Finally it was Motown Time.
Jayla was ready to get her Fabulous On, as well as her new white dress, which gave Mom an immediate anxiety attack. Kids and White anything are not a good combination, especially when there is sugar involved.
Before she had a seizure, Jamesia walked away, and luckily did not see KymBarberli’s hot pink lipstick stain on Jayla’s furry hairpiece. How it got there is beyond me, unless Kym was chewing on it. Girlfriend was waxed up extra heavy on the gloss…there couldn’t have been any left in the tube for Jayla to thunk her head on.
During the Beauty portion, Chloe left her Big Wheel in the hall and snuck up on stage.
Beauty Joshism: “She’s 3. You’re not gonna get a bunch of crap outta her.” (I guess dudes aren’t big on “Work it, Baby Girl!”)
A few times between Beauty and Motown we heard the scary slo-mo music, which is code for ‘someone just froze on stage.’
Jayla did it in Beauty. Chloe did it in Motown.
Motown Joshism: “She’s not a circus monkey. She choked, but it was cool.”
Christian had no clue what Motown was, and basically did his interpretation of the White Boy Shuffle that all fraternity brothers aspire to master during Rush Week. (Put a red solo cup in your hand, drag your feet side to side and try to get into a girl’s pants. There you have it. Call Me Maybe?)
Jayla’s Motown brought the house down. She did a Temptations, Contours, DooWop male drag dance routine and owned that shizzle.
Mackenzie did the…well, it doesn’t matter…she’s not Christian.
Sidenote: That older male Judge. Can we…? I can’t. Just stop.
I’m not even trying to be mean. But…? What was that all about? He never spoke a word. Not even during that back room judgefest part where all the adults go and talk smack about small children. What the…? I swear his hands were under the table half the time.
Let’s just stick a bowl of chips in front of him, wait for Chris Hansen to come in through the living room and call it a day. Am I wrong?
Then some kids won some stuff.
Crowning Joshism: “If they gave her like a pack of little Saltines would be great…”
Chloe did really well. I loved when she screamed “I had fun today!” That’s what it’s all about, right?
Christian didn’t do so well, even with that Superman forehead curl. He got some really sad porcelain Marie Osmond eyes and that bummed me out.
Mack cried a scary kind of cry when she didn’t win the Big One. She needed consolation and subtitles she was so distraught.
Jayla won it all and almost broke one of my lightbulbs when she squealed in delight.
Chloe and Jayla and the gang all wanted to do more pageants.
On the other hand…Joshua was all set, thank you. No more 12 hour days for this dude.
Final Joshism: “You could like watch almost all the Star Wars movies in twelve hours.”
Well. There you have it.
Now George Lucas even has his fingers in Toddlers & Tiaras.
Before you know it, that guy will be making more money than Annette.
Chloe. I am your Father.