DanThat'sCool!

 

 

Lady Crazy Hat says you need to practice your routine or you both go back in the glass display case.

 

 

 

 

Seriously. Stop. You’re gonna make me pee my pants. That kid doesn’t stand a chance.

 

 

 

 

 

I don’t even know where I am, but I bet there’s a Starbucks around the corner. Let’s get this party started, bitches.

 

 

 

 

 

WTF just happened?

 

 

 

 

 

 

Don’t you worry, baby. None of them haters are gonna have a trash bag as fancy as yours.

 

 

 

 

I’d rather eat worms than do this again. Even if they were hanging off the end of a fishing line on a rusty metal hook.

 

 

 

 

Oh. Hell. No. They didn’t pick you? This pageant is boughetto ratchet.

 

 

 

 

Your Pageant Mom was right.

Always wait 45 minutes after eating before you go back in the water.

Otherwise, those Pixie Stix will cramp you up so tight you’ll spit out your flipper and sink right to the bottom of the judge’s sheet.

Toddlers & Tiaras did a sparkly belly flop face down into the ocean as the California Tropic Pageants took us way over the top and then back down Under The Sea.

It was Disney meets Liberace in an aquatically  themed Glitz pageant, and wide eyed Director Carol Fleming couldn’t have been happier as she explained how it was all going to go down this week.

If you’ve never had the pleasure of meeting Carol, feel free to just scoot on over to your local mall and select any certified bra-fitting expert at Lady Grace.

You know exactly what I’m talking about.

With that big Aqua-Net head and Free Macy’s Makeover Day eyeliner, you know you’ve seen Carol smiling behind the register, smelling like that fancy holiday cologne gift set you always recognize on your Aunt but can never name, happily stacking Double D cups into little pyramids with a tape measure around her neck.

You know you have.  And you know she has a little sissy dog at home, too.

The Under The Sea part was pretty self explanatory, so the big takeaway from her presentation was that every little girl should look like a little doll.  A little living doll.

Or fake one.  Which brought us to the first Ultimate Grand Supreme hopeful.

Tomboy Jordan and her Mom Crystal gave us a quick show & tell of all the swag collected from the 150 pageants that they had competed in over the years.  None of it signified Über Top Dawg status and none of it was more important to Jordan, when asked, than a tiny football trophy.  Mom did some quick pageant math in her head, and wasn’t too happy with that answer.

Crystal explained that pageants are like drugs or something, and that you end up spending your budgeted household bill money on sparkly stuff just so you can have friends.

Then there was an awkward silence.  Right.  About.  Here.

Yeah.  Mom seemed to be a tad more into the pageant system than her 9 year old daughter.  Perhaps even more than just a tad if you really followed the clues.

The first clue being Mom’s constant reminders that Jordan had yet to bring home the ultimate prize, despite over 150 chances to get it right.  But we’re going to keep going and going and going until you do, right?

The second clue being Jordan flat out stating that she’d rather be home eating worms all day than doing these pageants.

And then she ate some.  Real ones.  Red Wigglers, the Cadillac of Worms, as they say on the docks.  But none of them were filled with the flavorful pee that she had acquired a taste for during her last fishing trip.

I was a little concerned that a 9 year old girl even knew how to tell if a worm had to go to the bathroom, while Mom was a little concerned that Jordan was never going to hook a man if she kept eating all the bait.

Our second princess was trying to get a jump start on her scores, and had already arrived in Reno ahead of schedule.

Mama Miss Thang Ty and 9 year old Cariah were already at the hotel marking their turf, accompanied by a second little wannabe sister.

Now you know how much I love me some randomly placed, unexplained children roaming through every T&T scene.  This one was at least introduced, but then she was relegated to running around and getting sassy on her own while Mama laid it all down for Cariah.

Sister had some attitude.  She reminded me of a pip squeak Solange Knowles trying to get some candy while sister Beyoncé hogged all the good stuff.  It was kind of like that, with a little bit of neglected Destiny’s Child thrown in for good measure.

Spoiler Alert:  Sister was the best part of the actual pageant when the sugar finally kicked in and she went full-on fierce sassy pants in the audience.  If I’m ever up for an award I want that kid in the audience, crossing her fingers and testifying to the Lawd so hard that she almost passes out.  She was a hoot.

Mama started to explain how her daughters were beautiful from the day they were born, but she lost me when she started talking about stuff coming out her Exit Womb and I had to go get a cold compress for my forehead.  Thanks for sharing.

Last, but not least, was 5 year old Alyssa and her GlamMa Tina.  Mom Marilyn was also there, but Glammy was large and in charge.

Alyssa was seriously cute in that sweetie pie Telemundo music video kind of way, and had no problems following GlamMa’s instructions to smile until her face hurt.  The entire family was actually exceptionally smiley.

When the whole gang was together in the living room for pretty feet practice, accompanied by two more random boys chilling on the couch, the whole thing looked exactly the way you would imagine a recording studio would look if En Vogue was laying down fresh new tracks for a reunion album.

I’m not even making it up.  Check the Instant Replay.  Chicks standing up in the sound booth.  Dudes working the mixing boards on the couch.  And a little girl running around the building because the babysitter never showed.

While they all tweaked their new Top 40 hit, Jordan was back home rehearsing and getting creeped out my Mom’s porcelain doll collection.

Her massive porcelain doll collection.

Throughout the episode, Crystal had made numerous references to their financial situation and how tight the budget was for everything that is required to stay in the pageant game.  It didn’t take long to figure out that all the money they could have put towards reseeding the front yard had gone to cupcake dresses, refrigerator magnets and dolls.  But mostly magnets and dolls.  Lots of magnets.  Lots of dolls.

Enough dolls to fill a three hour block on QVC with nothing but Marie Osmond as a guest.  Porcelain for miles.

And they all creeped out Jordan.  Especially when Mom did the worst attempt at ventriloquism I’ve ever seen and made the crazy judge dolls give their scores.

Run, Jordan.  Run like the wind.  And never look back.

Maybe if she ran far enough she could even meet up with Cariah & Company for a pedicure.  Mama Ty had a strict NO Crusty Feet policy in her family contract (…who doesn’t, right?..) so with all that spare time in Reno she took Cariah and Solange downtown for a foot buff.  Between scrapes of the sandpaper we also got a chance to really see where the girls get their sass.

Mama sez: Pageant World…we comin’.  Pay the Cost to be the Boss.  You know what time it is, mmmkay?  Oh, snap.

Seriously.  Every word out of Ty’s mouth needs to be screen printed onto a t-shirt and sold outside the Apollo Theater on the weekends.  Love her.

Back at En Vogue’s crib, Alyssa tried on her new Under The Sea outfit, which brought the tally for this pageant up around the $3000 mark.  Think how many dolls Crystal could buy with that bankroll.  Especially if they were Today’s Special Value.

Dang, girl.

Alyssa looked like a mini JLo as she worked the carpet in her latest bathing suit-ish ensemble.  She is cute.  End of story.

GlamMa compared pageant prep to a football pre-game ritual, and now all I can imagine is that at least one male judge a week must be wearing a cup under the table.

Thanks for that visual, Glammy.

Finally, it was Showtime!

Emcee Derrick Chrisinger was back, working the table in his logo polo.  He’s a rockstar.

I’m not sure why I’m so fascinated with Derrick being able to sit down and work it like he’s demoing sun tan lotion at a local bar, but I am.  He totally looks like he was supposed to be set up with a WTLC 95.5 radio remote at one of those places that makes their own beer and accidentally pulled into the wrong parking lot in the company van.

But he works that MacBook Pro set list like a Boss and isn’t going to let go of the microphone even if the building catches on fire.

Dude grips that thing like it’s Karaoke Night and his ex-girlfriend just showed up.

Our girl Carol Fleming lost composure for a second and had a little giggle fit when she let us all know that Jordan didn’t have a chance in Hell of winning this thing, and I could picture Crystal’s email requesting a refund going out before the next commercial break.

Carol felt that Cariah had the element of surprise in her favor, but our little princess was too busy sucking down a gigantic frozen Starbucks up in her hotel room to hear the compliment.

Ty had hired a new makeup girl for this show, and flabbergasted Shanna tried her best to keep Mama happy, which was an exercise in futility.  Ty kept nagging and pointing out uneven eyebrows and pale lips until I thought Shanna was going to just hand over her eye shadow tray and hit the road.

Shanna looked exactly like one of those preppy, nerdy, quiet types who suddenly take off their glasses, undo their ponytail and just get freaky on yo’ a** at the clubs.  Like a naughty secretary in a naughty movie.  I liked her, but she didnt’ stand a chance with Ty. After one pageant she turned in her makeup card and left a patch of rubber in front of the hotel, never to be seen again.

Thanks for playing.

Jordan and Alyssa had a tougher, overly bleached out, tattooed lady for their hair and makeup and this one had no problem keeping up with the drama.  Except for Jordan’s see-through fake hair piece that was so flimsy it couldn’t even be used for the pageant.

Crystal had spent $200 on that wispy weave (…how many glassy eyed Victorian dolls could those Benjamins have paid for?…) so she had a little melt down when she found out it was useless.  There was also what appeared to be a naked dead body in the bed behind her during all the dramz.

Maybe it was just a no-name brother still asleep in a tangle of bed sheets.  But it was weird, regardless.

After being told to swallow her spit (…whoa…yes…I also thought Mama said the other thing the first time I heard it, but luckily it wasn’t the question I thought it was…) Cariah hit the stage and showed off the 50 pound dress that Ty had made as a DIY project.

There was a lot going on with that dress.

Jordan was a little speedy on her stage walk, but she looked nice with only real hair attached to her skull.  She got points taken off her score for not piling on another foot of synthetic curls, but it was refreshing to see a normal sized head.

Every week someone gets locked out of their room.  This week it was Jordan and her out of control Mom.  The way Crystal was going off on the front desk on her cell phone you would have thought one of her dolls was unresponsive in the bath tub or something.

It’s also not saying much for whichever factory makes those defective hotel swipe cards with the magnetic strips.

The Under The Sea part was what you’d expect.  Fish and Whales and a girl with lobster claws instead of hands.  I think they were just mittens and not a medical thing.

Cariah fell down in the lobby, cried hysterically and almost ran her makeup.  Mama didn’t know what to do.  I was thinking maybe she could help her kid back up off the floor or hug her or put pressure on the wound, but she seemed to be more worried about runny mascara and why Solange was always in the way.

Then some kids won some stuff.

Jordan and Cariah didn’t win what Mom and Mama had wanted them to win, so there were plenty of issues with those announcements.  What the Hell is a Mini Grand, anyway?  It’s crap.

Alyssa won Ultimate Grand Supreme and the entire recording studio erupted in applause.

At the end, all three Moms had to sit together in that little confessional moment that I love so much.  Picture three college girls who all dated the same guy being forced to sit side by side, knowing that only one of them was still getting any action back at the Ultimate Grand Supreme Frat House.

It was like that.  But way better.

Over the top.  And Under The Sea.

 

 

Those bitches are lucky there’s no Ultimate Grand Fierce category. Mmmm’kay?

 

 

 

 

 

I’m pretty sure they wear my crowns when I’m at school.

 

 

 

 

 

Sometimes the smallest Tiffany box contains the most valuable jewelry. Remember that.

 

 

 

 

And this is how you shake what yo’ Mama gave you.   Any questions?

 

 

 

 

 

Salt-n-Pepa’s here, and we’re in effect. Want you to Glitz It. Glitz It Real Good.

 

 

 

 

This could be one for the record books, people.

Now I’m not an archival statistician…never claimed to be…and the hard drive on my Xfinity DVR is in no way large enough to backlog every single episode ever filmed over however many seasons we have all been closet-watching this show.

And surprisingly enough to many, I may not actually be the authority on all things Toddlers & Tiaras, though I do claim this title on my current resume, business cards and upcoming Walmart tee shirt line.

So with nothing to go on, and no proof to back up any statements I am about to make, I’m going to go out on a limb and declare that this week’s episode of T&T may be the first time in television history that all three Pageant Moms have been…well…almost normal.

Pageant Normal, at least.

It probably won’t make for great sound bites on TMZ because there were no Hooters waitresses in bikinis, no sobbing Russian women having breakdowns and no delusional wives spending all their blue collared husbands’ hard earned income.  There wasn’t even any livestock poop on the hotel bed that Consuela would have to clean up after scrubbing down the spray tanned tub.

They were all outrageously friendly, didn’t have one flip out and loved their kids unconditionally.  I was afraid that there might not be anything for me to snark about this week, and who really wants to read this much fluff without any zingers?  How was this possible?

Oh.  Wait.

This wasn’t held in the South.  That explains it.

And just like that, I gotz my snark back.

Take a deep breath for this one.  The America’s Genuine Jewel All Around The World Glitz Pageant…another breath…was held in white bread Connecticut, so that explained some of the normalcy.

Though many have tried, nobody can take the title of Pageant Crazy away from the South.  I’m pretty certain that at least 5 of the states down there actually have “Home of the Pageant Crazy” as their DMV license and registration motto, which probably looks pretty dope with a “SPKL BBY” vanity plate.

So what the Northeast lacked in crazy, they more than made up for in fierceness and cuteness.  And then more fierceness.

First up we got to meet 8 year old Lacey-Mae and her Mom Kerry Ann.

Little Lacey-Mae is…well…little, because she was born with achondroplasia, the leading cause of dwarfism.

(Again…DanThat’sCool!  We Google it so you don’t have to….!)

Trust me, her size is the only little thing about this princess.  When Mom pulled up to the drive-thru maternity window 8 years ago, everything else was super-sized.

L-M has more self confidence than most of the goofs I went to high school with and more stage presence than most of the glitter babies at the pageant.  If you check out her bio, she has gone through more in her 8 short years than most of us will ever have to deal with, and for that she should get one extra crown just cuz.

You couldn’t help but like her as soon as she got up in the camera lens.  The only problem she has with pageants is that the dresses are either too long, or so heavy that knock her down, or both.  But that ain’t stopping the Lacey Locomotive from tearing into the station, because she was really excited to do her Bollywood and Voodoo Queen numbers at the competition this week.

As proof that I watch waaaaay more Reality TV than I should, as soon as L-M was introduced I chuckled at how many hits the other famous Lacey-Mae was going to accidentally get on her Facebook tonight.

For those of you who still read books or didn’t pay your cable bill, the other Lacey-Mae Schwimmer is that crazy hair whipping bitch from So You Think You Can Dance and Dancing With The Stars.  The one with the Broadway dancing brother Benji, who himself is the sappiest/happiest jazz-hander I have ever seen.

How bummed is the wrong L-M gonna be when she gets home from the DWTS Vegas Show tonight and gets all excited that 5,000 more people checked out her status page?

Psych.

Then we were on to even bigger and badder things…and I pretty much died and went to Heaven for a few minutes.

I went to that part of Heaven you go to when you witness so much fun fierce african-american nubian fierceness that your head can’t contain all the fierceness and you die a little.  That Heaven.

It was time for 8 year old Damitri’ana, her Mom Quiana and Mom’s side kick sister Marquita.  Whoa…that was a mouthful.

One:  Where is this Name Generator Machine located that everyone uses to come up with these names?  I need to find it before I buy a puppy.

Two:  Why haven’t I gone to lunch with these woman yet?

I.  Love.  Them.  We would totally wreck the buffet at Olive Garden, and have the best ride home in a cop car.  Ever.

They are a hoot.  Two hoots, actually.  Two full hoots.  The only thing bigger than their personalities are their weaves.  Girlfriend, call me.  Hit me up on my Sidekick, if you know what I mean.

Finally, we had a musical interlude with 4 year old Mackenzie and her Mom Crystal.

Tiny Mack does that sing-songy thing that always makes me smile.  The thing where the kid can’t just answer a question, but instead has to make a little ditty out of it and bust into a stuffed animal tea party song.  But this one had air guitar.  She’s a rock staaaaahhhh.

Mack’s Dad Jamie is a Pageant Dad that could pass as a normal Dad.  He’s all about his daughter, and is more than happy to work it with finger kisses and pretty feet during the living room practice sessions (…PleasePleasePlease don’t let the guys at the Lodge see this episode…) but could just as easily whip your a** at poker or fly fishing.  Just a normal Joe who loves his kid.

Sir, I tip my Hawaii sun visor to you.

Then it was back to our African roots.  Or Damitri’ana’s anyway.

(Uh oh.  Doesn’t look like the Name Generator Machine took into account how odd that name would look with two apostrophes.  Let that be a lesson to you.)

It was rehearsal time.  Quiana vs. Marquita.  Only one diva would survive….and score a crisp $20 bill in the process.

Turned out that Mom had choreographed D’s African routine, while Auntie dreamed up the Michael Jackson number.  The pageant called for two productions, and it was on like Donkey Kong to see which dance scored higher, and who got the twenty bucks to put towards some new tracks.  Did I already mention how much I love them?

The African number was Lion King meets Beyoncé meets Prince meets I don’t know what.  The Michael Jackson number was the same thing plus some hardcore Mama Say Mamakossa, but without the Lion King part.

Damitri’ana dropped it like it was hot.  Then she picked it up again and dropped it one more time because it was still too hot.  The African outfit she was going to wear had been custom designed by some tailor at some shop that I guess makes African pageant clothes, but it was a little too racy for “Father Figure” Kenny who had just watched a booty girl wear almost the same thing while doing head stand leg splits in a Ludacris video.

(Hey.  TLC gave him that title…not me.  I’m not sure why they couldn’t have just slapped his name under his face and left it at that.  I’m not touching that one.)

But Kenny was out voted.  Sorry, dude.

While Damitri’ana was in the living room dropping it, Mackenzie was in the kitchen spitting it out.

Her flipper, that is.  For her first glitz pageant Mom had invested in a flipper that looked like it was cast from the mouth of a 6 month old baby.  The thing barely fit, and they decided after Mack almost digested it that they would go with her natural chompers, risking the dreaded Glitz penalty points.

Side note.  For a pageant that harped on all the Moms to get flippers, the director certainly had some gnarly enamel.  That’s all I have to say on the subject.

Glass houses.  Don’t throw stones.  Ok.  Now I’m done.

On Pageant Day, it was the usual hotel room carnage.

Mom and Auntie painted up Damitri’ana while promising her that she would be the baddest Real Housewife of Atlanta ever.

Watch yo’ back, NeNe.  And if you really have to wear that Ludacris African outfit, Kenny sez close your legs to pageant judges.

(Seriously.  Do you know how long I have waited to be able to use that RHOA line in an age appropriate fashion that actually made sense in these recaps?  It’s like Christmas just came early for me.)

The only other casualty of the pre-show chaos was Lacey-Mae’s right eye getting glued shut during the false eyelash application.  They managed to pry it open and she correctly identified how many fingers they were holding up in front of her, so it was all good.

The Beauty portion was pretty tame.  For her first Glitz evah, Mack rocked the stage.

Damitri’ana was a little nervous, but pulled off her Niecy Nash look just fine.

Lacey-Mae did this stop and look back over her shoulder head move like she was that chick from GLEE on the red carpet.  Classic.

The World Wear portion was introduced with a bootleg version of Disney’s It’s A Small World After All, and then it was as if all the animatronics came to life and jumped at you on the amusement ride.

Mack did a Portuguese nose pick and Flamenco Dancing Soccer Player looking routine.  Damitri’ana unleashed her African princess and Lacey-Mae did a Bollywood shimmy shake that made me wonder if the stage was being hit by a tremor.  The poor little nugget cried so hard after the Indian routine because she didn’t think she did well and all of the sudden I was yelling at my TV to make sure her Mom hugged her real hard for me.

Quiana and Marquita were spliced in every few minutes so they could head shake and give their two snaps worth of fierceness.  I’m pretty sure that I loved them more in the second half of the show than I did the first, if that was even possible.  Quiana got a couple of two fisted whoop whoops in while giving her roving reporter input on the pageant’s progress, while Marquita made room in her wallet for the twenty dollah that she just knew was coming at her soon.

Outfit of Choice is when the party started.

Mackenzie came out as a human piano, but came to a screeching halt and yelled at Mom from the stage for doing “the motions” during her routine.

What is it about Pageant Moms at that point?  I don’t care who you are.  You can be the most chilled out lady at the Bake Sale, but as soon as your kid gets on stage you think you have your Harvard PhD in Pageant Dancing and you unleash all your inner spaz behind the judges.

Lacey-Mae’s Voodoo Queen number came complete with Gold Bond foot powder that she blew into the judges’ faces as a curse should they even think about taking off points for her dress being too long.

When Damitri’ana busted out her Michael Jackson dance, the place went BaZoinkerz.  Even the tiniest little white girls who had no clue what was going on suddenly got their groove back.  Quiana and Marquita were jammin’ like it was last call at the Apollo.

For those of you who missed it the first ten times:  Love.  Them.

Some of the people in that room may even need an intervention after that routine.  Michael Jackson and Pixie Stix are the new Ecstasy.

Then some kids won some stuff.  Google it if it’s really that important.

All that really matters is that Marquita went home with a crisp twenty in her Louis bag.

I think somebody’s getting their hair did this weekend.

MmmHmmm?

 

 

 

Snakes kick a** bitches. In yo’ face.

 

 

 

 

 

My girls are Tiara Twin Divas. Alycesaundra and…umm…the other one. I forget.

 

 

 

 

You paid WHAT for that dress? What about college tuition, woman?

 

 

 

 

Mr. Slither is so big it takes two hands to hold him.

 

 

 

 

 

That’s what she said. Booyeah.

 

 

 

 

Be honest.

How much would you love to have been in the room when someone actually came up with the concept for the Me and My Pet Pageant?

Just to be there and be able to see who it was that actually came up with the idea to put highly sugarized little children in the same hotel ballroom with livestock, and then watch them explain to whoever it is that you explain these things to, how they felt this was a good idea?

Don’t get me wrong.  For me, it was Gold.  And probably for you, and anyone else who secretly watches Toddlers & Tiaras as well.

But I can guarantee you that PETA and the Hotel Housekeepers Union would beg to differ, because this thing was chaos.

Chaos covered in fur, feathers and at least 17 varieties of poop.

Pageant Director Jill gave us a quick run through at the top of the show, and just seeing a tiny little baby who could barely walk laying face down on what looked like a bean bag pillow next to a goldfish bowl was all that I needed to plop on the couch with some snacks.  Bring it on, Jill.  Bring it on.

The first little nugget we met was 6 year old Karley and her Mom Crystal.

Loved them right away.

Karley had that non-stop energetic blabber that I find so endearing in little kids, especially when you can send them back to their parents at the end of the day.

They introduced us to Slither the Snake, Karley’s most very favorite special pet friend.

Yeeuck.  Snakes creep me out. I don’t care if they are worm sized wigglers that you couldn’t even bait a hook with, or the ones on television that dislocate their own jaws and eat an entire jungle tribal dancer when he’s not paying attention during the Fire God ceremonies.

Snakes are just gross.  But Karley loves them.  Especially Slither.  She wore that thing around the house like she was a pint-sized Britney Spears.

Hello Kitty?  I’m a Slave 4 U.

She gave Slither pampering hot baths, butterfly kisses and even let him play in her Barbie Dream Townhouse.  It didn’t go unnoticed that when Slither snuck up on Barbie and Ken it sure looked like Barbie passed out and tipped over while Ken jumped higher on the couch.  Go ahead and rewind the DVR.  You’ll see.

At least I think it was Ken.  The kind with the updated hair.  Or it could have been a Justin Bieber doll, I’m not really sure.  If it is the Biebster, Ken is gonna be some mad when he comes home and finds Justin Bieber hiding in the closet.

(Insert your own Justin Bieber in-the-closet joke here: ________________________!)

Crystal is a hoot, and explained how Slither is a Diva Snake and will only eat white rats, not tan rats or white rats with spots.  And they have to be free range rats.  And no growth hormones or cage farms.

You could tell right away that Karley loved pageants almost as much as snakes.  When she went into her “Snake Power” trance, I wondered if Slither hadn’t poked her neck with a little venom.  But she blinked and smiled, so everything was ok.  She just loves that snake.

Next we met Mom Kelly, who probably doesn’t love snakes.  But she loves money.  And she loves spending it.  And she definitely loves talking about spending it.

Turns out that money can buy you $8,000 pageant dresses, a tour bus with your kids’ faces decoupaged all over it, Carl the creeper bodyguard and acres of farmland…but it apparently can’t buy you any books on Parenting Skills.

We met her 4 year old Tiara Twin daughters Alycesaundra and Giavanna.

For real.  You can’t make up those names.  Write them down somewhere and put it in your wallet so you can win at your next Scrabble party.

Kelly guessed that she had spent close to $500,000 on pageants so far.  If you failed grade school math, that pretty much equals half a million dollars.  Redoinkulous for a hobby that at the most usually pulls in $400 bucks and a puppy if you’re lucky.  She also chastised all those Pageant Moms out there who complain about how hard it is when they only have one tiny princess in the biz.

Try two.  And “Shut up, you hag.”

They were apparently out of Parenting Skill books and Klass at the Mall this week.

Part of that Trump sized half mill bankroll went to the aforementioned tour bus, so the girls could travel to all the Ramadas in style.  Another portion of that sum seemed to have gone into spelling out “You’re My Favorite” in Swarovski crystals on all of Alycesaundra’s clothing, because poor little Giavanna didn’t seem to stand a chance.

Mom described Aly as a Fireball, full of piss and vinegar and attitude.  When asked to describe the other one, she paused, sighed, looked around the room, filed her nails, changed her clothes, checked her email and then winced that it’s… just not her personality.

Later on in the show, Mom even called the other one…”The Other One.”

I’m pretty sure I heard a child proof bottle of meds being pried open in the background.

For the pageant, Aly was bringing Butterball the Sheep, while The Other One was stuck with Tom the Turkey.  Despite the fact that the wrong names seemed to be attached to the wrong animals if you really think about it, Gia still wanted the baby sheep for her pet, but Mom gave first dibs to Aly.  I guess Gia isn’t old enough to be able to read what the front of Aly’s Swarovski tee shirt says.  Duh.

Moving on to a normal relationship for a few minutes, we met 5 year old Kali and Mom Chante.

I immediately liked Kali, because she was a sassy little Tae Kwon Do punching Ninja Turtle Beyonce mix.

I immediately liked Chante because her name reminded me of RuPaul.

Chante.  You Stay, Mom.

Kali had a Silver Smile, which I originally thought were just normal geeky kid braces, but then discovered they were sort of a braces meets hip hop grill meets James Bond shark tooth villain mouth contraption.  Mom loved Da Bling, and it did make her gigantic smile even more fun.

For the pageant, Kali was bringing Buster the Dog, who was basically a crotchety old man with irritable bowels on four legs.  When they took him to the pet store to find him some healthier Milk Bones, Buster was more than happy to clear his intestines on the sales floor to make room for the new food.

Pup Clean Up…aisle 4.

Katie Boyer, who appears to be the only Pageant Coach in America, was back again to help Karley with her snake dance.  Katie and her Katie Kuties Konvention were just on the show a few days ago, but she’s funny and nice and smiley, so she has my permission to be on every week.  She’s the good kind of pageant crazy.

Karley had never used a snake, a prop or a rip-off stripper skirt on stage before and needed some pointers.  The first point should immediately be to get it out of your system now before it stops being cute.  No combination of the three will ever get you through college, no matter what the hairy guy behind the bar tells you.

Finally it was Pageant Day!  Bring on that chaos, please.

The Karma Gods were working overtime, and Kelly’s Tiara Twins tour bus broke down before the entourage even made it to the first toll booth.  For all the money they spend, you think that someone would have changed the air filter every 3,000.

After renting a tiny unmarked van with nary a glitz headshot attached, some poor schmo had to hold the baby sheep for 13 hours to keep it from crying while the turkey did whatever it is that turkeys do on road trips.  I just smiled my biggest Kali smile and watched Mom start to unravel.

The day of the pageant, Alycesaundra was sick and they found her passed out in a pile of turkey feathers looking as though she had just taken a tranquilizer dart to the face.  Giavanna was still having turkey issues, and the crying sheep had kept Chante You Stay awake the entire night.

Hold up.  I can’t even find Orbit hotels that take cats anymore…how in the h*** did they find one that excepts sheep?

As Aly clutched a handful of cooked bacon, Kelly tried to play dress up with a limp living doll.  Kali got her hair did and Karley heated up her snake.

It was a tighter squeeze than normal in the ballroom.  There must have been a Star Wars thing going on that week as well, because they had slid those ballroom walls closer together than normal.  And the stage was really tight.  More like a pretty feet boardwalk where the kids zipped in from one side and shot out the other end.  It totally need a George Jetson conveyor belt sidewalk.

Did anyone else notice the one dude in the audience that looked like he came for the music video auditions and ended up in the wrong room?  Seeing the guy sitting there with the doo rag between two Quacker Factory ladies made my whole day.  Probably my week.

Alycesaundra sleep walked through her entire beauty portion.  Not even a clue where she was.  She did manage a few finger kisses, but Kelly was so steamed that they mispronounced her name that she didn’t do a very good job at the Mom Dance behind the judges.  Perhaps if she had given her child a name that didn’t have to be decoded before it was announced there would have been less drama.

Not to be outdone, Giavanna zombie walked through her portion.  Actually, zombie stood.  Didn’t even move, most likely due to the 47 pounds of artificial hair she was sporting.

Years from now when Gia finds that box of DVDs and watches all the smack talk that Mom laid down about her in this episode, she will most likely once again go catatonic.

And this time it will stick.

Then we had a little time out for a Pixie Stix Spaz Attack.  Karley and her blue tongue went completely BaZoinkers sucking down the magic dust.  It was flying around like a sandstorm.

Best moment of TV this month.  I love that kid.

Then it was time to unleash the hounds.  And the sheep and the snakes.  And any other animal who managed to poop in the hotel room.

Seriously.  Did you see those rooms?  There’s not a housekeeper in America that gets paid enough to clean up that barn.  It was nothing but sparkly, spray tanned pellets as far as the eye could see.

Gia’s turkey tug of war was a mess, complete with Dad holding up an “Eat More Chicken” sign that looked like an after thought he had scribbled on the back of a Room Service folder.  By the time Aly dragged the sheep up on stage, he had crossed out the chicken part and written “”Beef” to ensure the hilarity was non-stop.  Dad also forgot to take the sheep off Aly’s hands and she ended up tangling herself up in the leash.

Turns out they also brought the wrong sheep.  Someone screwed up and didn’t put the one that had rehearsed the number into the tour bus. Which leads me to question how many of their sheep back home were wearing tutus when they went to load up for the trip?

But thirteen hours in a van and they still couldn’t find a store that sold Klass, so Kelly lit into her husband in front of some rather horrified Moms as he corralled all the livestock and tried to get off stage.

Kali busted out the nunchucks and almost made Buster relieve himself again as the audience hooted and hollered.

Karley’s Jungle Girl snake dance was a big hit, complete with paw prints on her butt and enough Pixie Stix energy to take her routine straight off the stage and down the block to the midnight Rave.

Then some kids won some stuff.  I know by now that you don’t check in here for the stats.

And that’s how it all went down.

Down on the glitz farm.

Y’all come back now.