Posts Tagged ‘Toddlers and Tiaras Mom Tricia’

Toddlers & Tiaras: It’s Time To Pop In Your Pappy And Slam A Few Hooters Shooters, Because The Beautiful Me Disco Pageant Is About To Get Ugly As New Boobs & Old Grudges Collide.

Thursday, April 19th, 2012

 

 

I never said her kid was ugly. I said butt ugly. Get it right.

 

 

 

 

Pffffthh…

 

 

 

 

Oh, it’s going down, bitch. I’ll wipe that smirk and all that Kool-Aid off your punk a** face.

 

 

 

 

Tastes like anxiety and vicarious living. With a hint of Mountain Dew.

 

 

 

 

Sorry, but I’ve tasted better wings and seen better boobs.

 

 

 

Whoa.

Now I don’t know this for a fact, and there’s a good chance I could be making it up, but somewhere in the Toddlers & Tiaras Corporate Offices there’s a Special Room reserved just for nights like tonight.

A room that only the Big Wigs know about, where they go to celebrate unleashing so much hot pageant mess on the rest of us that they need a moment alone to light up a smoke and unbutton the top button of their pants like it’s Thanksgiving afternoon.

We’ll call it sparkly pageant afterglow.

I know there’s a room like that, and it gets used a lot.  And tonight it was probably so full of Brooks Brothers suits puffing on Newports that they were over the Fire Code for a room that size.

Tonight’s episode celebrated all that disco and dysfunction have to offer, and it all came gift wrapped in a Hooters take out box.  I don’t even smoke, but by the time it was over I almost got dressed and went down to the 7-11 for a carton.

Full disclosure.  Since I gave birth to this odd little site last year, I’ve met some really great pageant peeps.  Believe it or not, they’re not all whackadoodle.  For realz.

(Shout out to Paisley, the world’s cutest nugget, and her entourage among others…)

But sometimes we just need some Crazy to keep us grounded.  And sometimes when you ask for crazy…it answers back.

Get some snacks.  Here we go.

Pageant Director Dena Jackson and her Jerseylicious raccoon liner eyeballs introduced us to the Beautiful Me Disco Diamonds Pageant.

If you suffer from even the mildest form of Epilepsy, that’s probably about as far into the episode as you lasted, because the Ramada banquet table full of strobe light trophies probably set off a seizure and you  lost consciousness when your head hit the floor.

Every sailboat owner should have a Prettiest Eyes trophy in their emergency kit in case they find themselves stranded at sea, because the International Space Station could track down those glitter flares.

That ballroom was like a bad acid trip, but before my pupils even dilated back to their normal diameter we were meeting little 2 year old SamiJo, her Mom Tricia and her Mom’s new boobs.

Knowing Tricia as we now do, they probably have names as well, but it was never discussed.  You can make up your own.

If you jump back a season to when we last met Tricia, she and her camo-wearing redneck husband were arguing about how much of their income had gone to pageants and breast augmentations.  Even without the aid of any psychic ability, you kind of knew where that whole relationship was headed.  While her new boobs were going North, her marriage was going South.

Jump back to the present, and Tricia is now divorced and living with her new boyfriend and all the OctoMom babies.  I forget exactly how many kids she had all together, but it was more than just SamiJo.  There were a couple of brothers for sure, because they were all eating wings and staring at her boyfriend.  ”HG” was in the hizzle, and the kids all seemed to like him, though they could have just been staring at the big “S” on his head.

I need to brush up on my street cred, because I guess the days of carving Nike swooshes into your hair are long gone.  Now it’s all about pageant girl initials.

HG had gone and gotten a custom piece of hair doodle art shaved into his scalp to show his support for SamiJo.  Touching, I guess,  but it kind of looked like he fell asleep and some street kids tagged the back of his skull like it was a restaurant dumpster.

But SamiJo liked it, even though she doesn’t know her alphabet yet.

And speaking of restaurants.

Since her divorce, Tricia has had to pick up a number of jobs to support her pageant habit, and let’s just say that none of them are at the Mall.

Tricia does “promotional work”…whatever that means…at tractor pulls and racetracks, is also one of those bikini Cage Girls who hold up signs during matches and still finds time to work at that “world famous wings” place.

You know the one.  Not KFC.  The other one.

That was definitely not a KFC uniform that she had on when she came home.  Hose her down and you have Spring Break right there at the kitchen table.  No wonder the boys were so bug eyed.  Maybe it wasn’t HG’s new doo after all.

To cleanse the palette after all that spicy breast meat, we scooted over to meet 3 year old Destiny and her Mom Sherrie.

Destiny showed us her Hula Girl shimmy, boinged around on one of those bouncy balls with the handles and just generally fell down a lot.  There was one delightful moment when she ran to the staircase banister and screamed that she wanted to dance on the pole.  That’s right.

That one was too easy, even for me….so please, do pause and insert your own joke right here.

I’ll wait.

“____________!”

Ha.  That was a good one.  Destiny’s Mom is gonna hate you for that.

Destiny is crazy cute in her interviews, but hasn’t quite figured out how to keep her tongue in her mouth.  Even Mom couldn’t poke it back in.  But the cute factor makes up for the drool bubbles.

Sherrie had maxxed out the three family credit cards to get her pageant fix and yet her husband had no clue, so I guess she takes care of the bills while he’s out in the shed guttin’ deer.  When we got a tour of that hatchet shop, complete with random pieces of dead deer laying in their own pools of blood, it was definitely a close second to the terror of the actual glitz pageant world.

As for maxxing out the cards?  The third card was supposed to be just for emergencies. I do NOT want to be around that house when the septic tank backs up and they’re trying to sop up all that poo with a Miss Pouty Face sash.

Ask Tricia for her divorce lawyer’s 800 number and keep it in a safe place.

Or just tape it to Destiny’s pacifier and you’ll never lose it.  That thing is always in her mouth, so you’ll always know where to find it.

And why is it called Pappy?  Makenzie’s Ni-Ni was cute.  But sucking on your Pappy?

Sorry.  That opens up a whole other can of country worms, thank you.

Finally we met 3 year old Camarie and her Mom Jennifer.  Mom called her a Brat.  The pageant director called her a Demon Child.  I was too busy ducking and dodging and trying to avoid all the candy and toys and appliances that Camarie was heaving around the house to decide what to call her.

She appeared to be one of those unmanageable kids who goes completely HyperSpaz, and then collapses like a bag of Idaho potatoes when you go to pick her up and toss her out the back door.  Camarie also spends every waking moment with a mouthful of Mike & Ike’s and a face full of cherry Kool-Aid stain.  Somebody get that kid a WetNap.

The history between Jennifer and Miss Hot Wings 2012 goes way back.  They met up at a few pageants, have pretty much grown to hate each other and have no qualms about talking smack to any stranger who will listen.  The tension has dripped onto their children as well, because the looks that Camarie and SamiJo shoot each other is worth the price of admission.

Tricia had previously referred to Camarie as ugly.  The Book of Mom says that is totally not cool.

In case you’re ever asked on a game show, Camarie was named after Calamarie…Mom’s favorite food while she was preggo.  That’s just messed up.  No way around it, unless you’re a Disney Mermaid.

There was so much chaos in this episode that the poor producers just kept tossing us back and forth from one noodle to another, hoping that we could retain it all and not get motion sickness.

I’m going to have to do the same, so we can get the rest of this in before the next episode airs.

To “create her own income” outside of the tip jar, Tricia had hired a photographer to shoot a calendar that she was going to sell around town.  Not a SamiJo calendar.  A Mommy in a Bikini calendar, like the ones you always see when you go to get a new muffler put on your Hyundai.

As Mom posed and popped her booty, little SamiJo fumbled with a cell phone and tried not to look.  Tricia claimed that even at a whopping 2 years of age and partially thanks to her own new breasts, SamiJo loves Victoria’s Secret and already has full comprehension of how the biz works.

Please.  Two years old?  She doesn’t even know how the toilet works.

All I know is that at any age, you do not want to see your own Mother doing a cheesecake pose in a bikini.  I’m pretty certain SamiJo was trying to figure out how to blind herself with the iPhone flash and not really surfing The Wiggles website.

We got to ride along with Destiny for her spray tan.  Once I got past the distraction of the ginormous Jersey bouffants on the front desk girls I could focus on Destiny getting a coat or two of Cocoa #45.

She refused to spit out Pappy, so the Jersey girls had to figure out how to tan her with a mouthful of Pappy…which then left her with a big white circle around her mouth and a dark Pappy.

There is just so much wrong with this episode.

SamiJo had a little practice session outside standing on what appeared to be giant pasties.  You know what I’m going to say, so I’m not even going to say it.  But thanks, Tricia.

She also bragged that SamiJo has Runway Swag and you can’t wash it off.  Gross.

Finally it was Pageant Day!

As I say every week, the event itself is never as exciting as the klusterf*** leading up to it, but there were still a few pieces to chew on.

Somehow Tricia and Jennifer ended up in the same hotel room for hair and makeup.  That was uncomfortable.

Catty looks, snarky digs and lots of smeared makeup.  Except for the room service menu on the desk, the scene could have been filmed in a women’s prison.  Take the lid off the toilet and toss a few switchblades on the floor, and there you go.  One of those Moms was going to get cut if they didn’t get to the stage asap.

The Beauty portion of the shindig was a downer.

SamiJo just stood there.  Period.  Where am I?  Tricia knelt behind her in a skirt so short that I thought they might have to pixelate the nasty parts for television.

The girl with the seafood name did ok.  Nothing great.

Destiny copied SamiJo and just stood there with her mouth open like a carnival game.  Three Pappies for a dollar! Aim for the mouth and win a prize!  The more Pappies, the bigger the prize!

For the Disco Wear portion, SamiJo was late because she was riding up and down the elevator with the OctoMom kids.  When she finally made it, she was wearing a doofy looking Hello Kitty kind of thing, which I can’t ever remember seeing in any disco movie.  Painting whiskers on her face was a nice touch, if this whole thing was being held at Destiny’s Carnival.

CalamityCalamarie wore go-go boots.  That’s all I remember.

Destiny did some crazy dance and then went off stage to chomp on Pappy.

The whole thing ended up with nobody winning what they really wanted to win, and with Tricia and Jennifer still hating each other.  If you really wanted a listing of who won what, you would be on a real website and not reading my witty sarcasm, am I right?

Oh, yeah.  It was good stuff.  But now it’s too late to go across the street for some smokes.

Say goodbye, Destiny:

Toddlers & Tiaras: They’re Baaaaack! It’s Paisley Vs. Isabella In The Return To Glitterdome. Everything You Love Is Back. Stock Up On The Cheese Dip!

Saturday, March 24th, 2012

You might as well make things easier on yourself and start planning now.

And by planning, I mean creating a backstory for when you call in sick to work on Thursday, April 5th…because the Mother of all Guilty Pleasures is about to Glitter Bomb you in the face again.

Toddlers & Tiaras is baaaaack!

Well, almost.

Wednesday, April 4th, actually.  Just a few more weeks and then the show that you pretend you never watch and never talk about is pretty feeting its way back into your living room with a vengeance.

It’s going to be the Battle of the New Mini Divas as Paisley and Isabella face off after months of media smack talk and underage nightclub singing.

Paisley, best known for rocketing to fame by way of her now infamously uncomfortable Julia Roberts Pretty Woman hooker outfit, is hoping to have another cheese dip celebration with a shiny new crown on her head.

Isabella, best known for both talking s*** about Paisley to TMZ when they caught her over the holidays all freshly spray tanned (…and questionably/allegedly coached by Mom…) and skyrocketing to LMAFO “Sexy And I Know It” karaoke fame with an infamously uncomfortable video performance, is hoping to talk more s*** and score a big crown at the same time.

It’s Dramalicious.  And that’s only the kids.

Don’t get me started on the Moms.  Let’s just say you do NOT want to be caught in the same Walmart parking lot when those two Moms go shopping.  Ever.

MakenzieAlana and the rest better watch their backs.  There are some new and returning faces looking to knock those oversized crowns off their heads.

No wonder Eden jumped ship to LOGO.

Trust me, Honey Boo-Boo Child…this is gonna get good.

High Five if you’ll be there.

And…why, yes…I am.  And I know it.

Thanks for asking.

Toddlers & Tiaras: Patriotic Tumbles & The 7 Year Old Elvis Pelvis. America’s Ultimate Beauties, We Salute You.

Thursday, December 22nd, 2011

 

 

Up in the sky! The Pageant Signal! Super Elvis is ready!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Oh honey, you ’bout to get two blasts of Bella in yo’ face.

 

 

 

 

 

 

You go like this, and then you plug it with pixie stix.

 

 

 

 

 

 

I don’t know what this s*** is, but keep it coming.

 

 

 

America.

The time has come.  The call has gone out to the strong and the sparkly.

Gather your glitter and your glue guns.  Raise your flags high and your blood sugar levels even higher.

Toddlers & Tiaras has gone Red, White & Blue…

…and whatever color those spray tans are supposed to be.

It was America’s Ultimate Beauties this week as another batch of little GlitzGirls were unleashed on another unsuspecting hotel ballroom.  As wide eyed Tonya the Director explained it, these little glossed up niblets were about to whip past the check-in desk like a Texas tornado.

Tonya pretty much set the tone for the whole extravaganza by immediately coming to the defense of all teenie weenie pageant kids everywhere and proclaimed that they are not abused, and that pageants themselves are just a gosh darn hoot.  She explained the lifestyle differences between a pretty footed, cupcake dress wearing girl and an after school tumbling gymnast in simple layman’s terms so that those of you not privy to the Inner Circle can finally stop posting nasty comments online.

The girls doing gymnastics have to practice all day and don’t get to eat anything…ever.  Like in gymnastic prison camps, I’m assuming.  You can’t do the balance beam on a full stomach.  Der.

But at least the pageant babies get pixie stix.

And there you have it.  Straight from Tonya.

To emphasize her point, we then got a video montage of pixie stix chugging youngsters sucking down sugar like it was their day job.  By the time the last little preemie clamped on to the straw like it was an exhaust pipe, I briefly wondered if I should take a precautionary shot of insulin just to be on the safe side.

Not that you are asking, but in my opinion the whole thing would have been better suited for an ABC After School Special to keep kids off drugs.  Much the same way that Tonya’s slightly creepy finger kiss/kitty point and curl to the camera that finished off her scene would have been better suited for her own after hours Match.com profile.

But whatever.

First up was three year old Alexes, and Pageant Mom Candice.  Mom proudly lets us know that her daughter loves to play, have fun and is always in a great mood.

If that’s the case, then someone needs to turn on the overhead light, because Mom must be tucking the wrong baby into bed every night.  She certainly wasn’t describing the Alexes on my TV as she screamed and cried and terrorized everyone, and everything, within a two block radius.  When Mom could get a word in edgewise we also found out how much Alexes loves pageants.

As a matter of fact, she loves them so much that Mom and Dad find it necessary to bribe her with everything from Build-A-Bear coupons to chicken nuggets just to get her to show up for living room rehearsals.  They never did clarify if they have to toss the nuggets down the hall to get her into the room, so I’m going to assume I might be making that part up in my head.

Next up is two year old SamiJo and her Mom Tricia.  They are returning TLC stars but you may not have recognized them, given the fact that SamiJo is now finally old enough to keep her eyes open, and Mom has new boobs.

Hey.  She said it, I didn’t.  Relax.

Mom had to have breast augmentation so she could put herself into some random beauty pageants while SamiJo was growing strong enough to hold her own head up.

Tricia explained how the last time we saw her one side of her bra cup was more full than the other and that she had to level the playing field, so to speak, and make sure they both faced directly at you during conversations.  She gave a quick high beam/low beam demonstration and then both SamiJo and I unintentionally hit our heads on the kitchen counter.

Now that SamiJo has matured enough to be in the elusive 2-3 year old division, it’s time to step up her game.  She has been working with a coach, a trainer…you name it.  But go figure.  She still walks like she’s crippled, as Mom inappropriately points out to her during a practice run.  Twice.

During your child’s formative years, I’m not so sure that equating crippled people with losing is the right way to go, Mom.  Maybe that’s just me, but you might want to Google the Americans With Disabilities Act when you’re not showing off your new breasts.

Just saying.

 

 

 

Thank you. Thank you very much.

 

 

 

And finally we tear it up with sassy AnnaBella and Mom Nicole.  Little Bella is all that and a bag of chips, at least according to Bella herself.

Let’s be honest here.  If anyone you knew at work talked and sassed her way through the day like Miss Bella does, you would smack them upside the head in the back supply closet when no one was looking.  But since Miss Thing is only seven years old, and anyone connected with the show already has Child Protective Services on speed dial, you can’t do that.  But it’s also because sometimes it is cute, and besides…she goes away when you shut off your television set.

Makenzie Myers (…”Where’s my Ni-Ni?!?!”…) has the sassy brat thing down to an art form.  Bella still needs a little practice if she wants that crown.

But she certainly doesn’t need much practice on her Elvis routine, because she can channel the King better than any 7 year old I know.  When she is not picking clothes from her Drab Side/Fab Side split personality closet, Miss Bella is working her Elvis routine like she is ready to break child labor laws in Vegas.  The only thing bigger than that opening act is her flipper, but she likes big teeth so it’s all good.

Not liking things so much on the other side of town though, is SamiJo’s camo-wearin’, deer huntin’, animal skinnin’ Dad, who makes it clear that he thinks pageants are a waste of money.

Surrounded by enough dead animal carcasses in his living room to get him on the PETA watch list, Dad and Mom try to figure out how much money they have spent on pageants and silicone this year.  He wants fewer pageants but Tricia isn’t having it.

Again, in my head, she is taking all the money that they are saving by having Dad hunt down all their meals each day and using it for pageants and augmentations…but I could be making that part up as well.

But I’m not making up the next 27 Alexes meltdowns as she is bribed with more chicken and stuffed animals if she promises to sit still for a haircut.  By the time that kid gets to kindergarten, she is either going to have more Build-A-Bears on her bed than the Mall store has in inventory, or her cholesterol is going to be above 220.

Not to be outdone, Tricia takes her new boobs and her daughter to the salon to get some glop applied that will make SamiJo’s hair shine on stage.  It went about as well as you would expect when you try to process a 2 year old’s hair instead of letting her take a nap.

Dropping her lollipop on the hairy salon floor and popping it back into her mouth was a nice touch.  After all that work, her furry tongue is probably going to distract the judges’ eyes from the reflective sheen on her head.

By the time we get to the pageant, Bella has somehow gotten even sassier and Alexes has gone through 4 more meltdowns.  SamiJo doesn’t seem to even know where she is, and looks exactly how you would expect a child to look with a mouthful of pixie stix and hair.  Her Godmother Whitnei arrives to help walk SamiJo around the stage, as well as keep Mom’s head and new boobs from bursting under the stress.

Random side note:  Ever notice that anyone involved in the pageant world has a tweaked, mashed up or oddly spelled name that looks like it was specifically created for the back of a satin team jacket?

Just wanted to point that one out in case you missed it.  Scroll back up if you don’t believe me.

Tonya was back to explain that the best part of the show was the American Wear portion, which was the America’s Ultimate Beauties version of Outfit of Choice.  (Yes.  I knew the difference.  Yes.  I’m horrified that I know this much about baby pageants.  We will never speak of this again.)

American Wear is anything that pertains to America she tells us.  Never would have got that one on my own, thank you Tonya.  Then she explains further in case any of you are still not catching on…Military, Patriotic, Yankee Doodle, underpaid Walmart workers…the usual.  God Bless America.

Since the hotel apparently didn’t allow people to bring in chicken nuggets from outside locations, Mom and Dad had to bribe Alexes with a stuffed puppy dog from a vendor table.  If she didn’t completely F*** up her routine she could get the prize.  It’s no Build-A-Bear, but sometimes you just cave under pressure, I guess.  The pressure must also cause you to wear a plastic dinosaur hat on your head, because I can’t think of any other explanation why her Dad was doing that during the show.  Dude.  TV cameras.

With the puppy held just out of her reach, Alexes busted out her best Olivia Newton John ramalamadingdong routine, complete with black body suit and red stilettos.  Unfortunately Mom had nailed a giant poster paper circle to one side of the snack shack prop that they carted on stage.  It made no sense, because it was the kind of circle that you spin when you want to hypnotize someone into quitting smoking.

Unfortunately, it also appears to stop young children from participating in pageants, because Alexes came to a screeching halt on stage and just spun the thing around until her time was up.

Having that spinning circle thing off to the side of the stage must have somehow effected SamiJo as well, because she also had some issues on stage.  Standing up issues.

Granted, she was working a brand new hoop dress that she had never worn before.  And she is 2.  That probably didn’t help, either.

I’ll say it.  The first time she fell was a little funny.  Maybe even the second time.  But by the third time she took a face plant I started to think Whitnei was just pushing her down.  And when she went down on #4, at least Whitnei finally yanked her up by one arm like she was hoisting another deer carcass into Dad’s truck.  Practice makes perfect.

Then some kids won some stuff.

But that’s not why you watch.  You know that.

God Bless TLC.


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