Posts Tagged ‘Toddlers and Tiaras Season 5 Episode 6’

Toddlers & Tiaras: Not Even Your Pageant Arsenal Can Prepare You For Survival In The Frigid Alaska Frontier. It All Goes Down In A Fairytale Winter Wonderland Mom vs. Mom Face Off.

Thursday, April 12th, 2012

 

 

When I tear up the stage, my hair can’t ever be bigger than my attitude or ego. Cuz I’m all that.

 

 

 

My goal is Ultimate Supreme…and to wear these earrings every day until they bury me in the backyard.

 

 

 

 

I got your Facebook ‘thumbs up’ right here, bitch.

 

 

 

 

Girrl, pleez. Then she was all up in the audience spying on my baby girl! I seen it with my own eyes.

 

 

 

Can I get a Woop Woop for my new flipper? Gabby’s in da house.

 

 

 

Step aside, Sarah Palin.

There’s a new Alaska on the map.

Maybe your Alaska was a nice place to visit and all, with all that great scenery and the whole glacier thing…but this Alaska is colder, bolder and capable of freezing out any competition that dares cross her border.

Being able to wave at Russia from your kitchen window doesn’t seem so special now, does it?

This week Toddlers & Tiaras brought two more classic Pageant Rivals together again, sparkled them up, sprayed them down and tossed them out onto the Ramada stage to go head-to-head at the Southern Celebrity: Fairytale Winter Pageant.

It was Alaska vs. Gabby locked in mortal combat for the crown.  The ultimate Glitz Rematch as it were.

To put it into the kind of military warfare terminology that the adults in Alaska’s life like to toss around during dinner…it was Mom vs. Mom with the kids used as human shields.

Pageant Director Maxine set the tone for the evening as she explained that to be in pageants you have to be cute.  (Pause for all the ugly people to change the channel.)

As if catching herself midstream, Maxine then backtracked a little and clarified that ugly people could potentially be cute if they endure a few hours in the makeup chair before they head to the salon for a new hairdo.

I guess the morale of the story was that cute people just don’t have to work as hard as ugly people if they want to do pageants.  At least that’s what I got out of it after I picked myself up off the floor and worried about the future of our country.

The first contestant we met was 6 year old Ava.  She kind of had a little mini Jennifer Lopez kind of thing going on, except with no bootay or front teeth.  I immediately liked her for no other reason than the resemblance, and the fact that she declared right away that people can’t beat her.  So there.

She was pretty darn cute, and her Mom Jennifer NotLopez seemed really nice and level headed.  Probably not what the producers were looking for, but sometimes you have to go with a little normal just to balance off all the Crazy that is coming to the table.

Jennifer NotLopez was proud to be a West Virginia Anti-Bumpkin, and was out to prove that some people in the Virginias actually have their own adult teeth and watch the Style Network.  Probably not enough to get Verizon to run Fios cable down Main Street, but still…point well taken.

Then it was on to 8 year old Gabby, accompanied by some random nameless girl who was always hanging around that I assumed was her sister or wardrobe assistant, and Mom Beth.

If you’re keeping score, right about now is when it started getting good.

Turns out that Gabby, all decked out in her fuzzy Rachael Zoe knock off vest, had previously gone up against the infamous Alaska in a number of pageants.  In the unwritten Rules of Glitz, that makes them instant rivals.

It also makes the Moms bitter enemies, so it was time to get snarky.

Beth was sewing up all new costumes for Gabby, which made her 8 year old chipmunk voice squeak even higher.  Beth was rather vague about the rivalry at this point, and only squinted and did a little jaw grind every time Alaska’s name came up in conversation.  So you knew sumthin wuz up, and she was not going to take any prisoners.

New clothes, new routine and a new flipper…all at once?  It was a veritable Pageantgasm.  One that could potentially be the extra artillery needed to finally take down Alaska.

And speaking of arsenal…it was time to go directly to the War Room and see what Alaska and her Mom Lori had planned for this attack.

According to the press release, and unfortunately Alaska herself, this kid is back.  And better than ever.

Her hair is a little longer, her mouth a whole bunch sassier and her ego has inflated to nuclear reactor proportions.  Nobody thinks Alaska is all that and a bag of chips more than Alaska herself.

Well, except maybe her Mom.

To ensure Alaska’s eventual takeover of the entire planet, Lori had created her own version of a military outpost in their home, which she referred to as her Pageant Arsenal.

Like a small country hoarding guns, bullets and illegal passports, Lori has amassed stacks of those Target Christmas ornament containers stocked with anything and everything that a 9 year old would ever need if she was suddenly called to Pageant War.

She also had to double up on the glue gun firearms because Alaska’s brother Braxton is also a soldier in the Glitter Brigade.

Braxton is the dude who was spotlighted in a previous T&T episode.  His claim to fame at the time was a Dorothy Hamill bowl cut and the Burger King crown he always seemed to be photographed wearing.  Somewhere along the line Alaska came out of his shadow, eclipsed him on the pageant circuit and left him behind like yesterday’s newspaper.

Tragic.  Even her own brother was a victim of the Pageant War.  We did get a glimpse of him this time around sitting in the barber chair, and a quick shot of him wearing that BK crown again at the actual show.  But this was Alaska’s spotlight…hit the road.  You’re blocking my shot, boy.

Lori claimed that she was not a crazy Pageant Mom.  Just Passionate.  That seems to be the hot go-to label lately when Moms try to weazle out of their noodle behavior.

Passionate is your Mom’s meatloaf recipe.  Love it.  And no one cooks it better.  That’s passionate.

Crazy is Lori.

We got to witness a little bit of LoriLunacy while Braxton was getting his bowl trimmed.  She sat in the salon and claimed that Beth and Gabby had paid to get into some GlitzGlamFest pageant to spy on Alaska and photograph her outfits with hidden infrared cameras.  I think she also said something about Beth swiping a sample from her daughter’s tongue to research her winning genetics, but I was too distracted by Lori’s earrings to focus.

Turns out those are her favorite earrings.  Or I assume they are, since she wore them everywhere, in every scene.

Even when she risked potentially blinding Alaska by dyeing her eyelashes with a sloppy Q-tip soaked in L’Oreal , those gigantic reflectors were dangling from her lobes.  You know she is totally wearing them in her drivers license photo.  The PTA ladies are probably keeping a tally when they talk s*** about her after the meetings.

As Alaska screamed that her eyes were burning due to Lori not being able to paint within the lines, some comic relief was there to lighten the mood.  Stepdad Jay.  The ultimate sidekick.

He’s always there.  Sitting in the salon.  Sitting in the kitchen.  Sitting at the pageant.  Sitting and sitting.  Then he gets up, moves to another chair, and sits down again.

Lori exasperates him a little I can tell.  He loves his kids, even though Alaska is slowly morphing into a Diva.  And not the good kind.  But he’s always there, if for no reason other than to do the heavy lifting when it’s time to move the arsenal into the van.

I swear he is on a WB sitcom, I just can’t remember which one.  If he’s not, he should be.

While Alaska was talking about how fabulous she was, and how she has no competition and tossing shade like a drag queen, Ava was practicing her car hop routine.

The only reason I mention it is because her little pug dog was wearing a t-shirt onesie thing, and dogs in clothes make me smile.

Finally it was Competition Day.  And that’s when it hit the fan.

We got the dirt on what happened between the Moms, and it wasn’t pretty.

Two words: Online.  Or is that one word?

How about Facebook Online?

Don’t these people ever learn?  You never show your junk online, and you never pick on the fat kid online.  Come on.

Seems that Beth was having a Facebook conversation with a friend, and Lori hacked into her Facebook page and read all about it, when it was not intended for her eyes.

Umm.  Newsflash.  That’s how Facebook works, Beth.

Whatever was said made Lori cry, and Alaska saw her cry, and it just got ugly.  So it sounds like they’ve been having an online war ever since.

In my absolute new favorite part of the show which I demand be in each episode from now on, they cut to all three Moms sitting uncomfortably side by side talking smack.  Like the Anderson Show, but without Anderson Cooper, who we love.

I assume they do this set up after every show is taped, kind of like when the Apollo astronauts splash land and have to go through that detox before they are released back out into the Real World.

As Lori and Beth get all bitch faced, poor Jennifer NotLopez is trapped in the middle just praying for a sink hole to open up and swallow her into the hot molten bowels of the Earth.

Classic TV Moment.  You could smell the snark.

Lori finished that scene up in style by stating that “You can’t fix stupid.”

Maybe not, but you can fix your teeth.  Oh snap.  Two can play this game.

The pageant itself was no big shakes.  Seen one Holiday Winter Extravaganza…seen them all.

But the judges were a gift from the Reality TV Gods.

Since the Ramada was booked solid for the event, it seemed that they needed to find something to keep the 80′s cover band busy.  So what better deal than judging?

Seriously.  Shut.  Up.  Where do they find these people?

Johnny Browning, who has either the best rocker name or the worst porn name ever, was head to toe 80′s Chess King from the Mall.  I’m not even sure where you find a salon that will still do that kind of haircut.

And he had the nerve to pick on Ava’s ginormous weave?

The other 80′s guy never spoke, but went to the same salon.

Third judge was Mrs. West Virginia, or Mrs Beckley, depending on which press release you read.  Either way it meant that they must have had to close the library for the day since she was moonlighting.

The last judge was just a judge.  Sorry, honey.  Nothing personal.

The bullet points:

Gabby got her flipper glued to her tongue for a second or two, and Alaska had the most faaaaabulous makeup boy evah.

Lori got all nasty about how she had seen Gabby’s dress “several times” and that the color was…well…if that’s the color they want to put her in…blah blah bitch.

Alaska again noted that she had no competition.  She also had no sense of time because she was late for her Winter Wear Rockette shimmy thang.

Her Diva shtick would be cute on a 3 year old, or even a Honey Boo-Bo child, but on Alaska it’s just her Mom’s DNA resurfacing and it’s not a good look.

Gabby’s Winter Wear was just wrong in so many ways.  When good vintage goes bad.

Lori still had those f***ing earrings on.

Alaska had a DivaFit when her hair was too big.  I would have been more concerned that the fake part didn’t match the real part, but that’s just me I guess.  And she was seriously tanned.  Baked Alaska.

Beth and Jennifer NotLopez took the high road and really showed some mad Mom skills when they taught their kids how to clap and be thankful for any crown they received.  They both teared up when discussing the effect of the pageant on their daughters.

Lori, on the other hand, rubbed Alaska’s Ultimate Grand Supreme crown in everyone’s face and stated that everything turned out just fine.  Right when the show ended I think she was about to do a Victory Lap around the Ballroom with her finger in the air.

Alaska, of course, noted that she would always be gorgeous but would get plastic surgery by the time she was 100 maybe.

Pretty hurts.

But not as much as the slap that someone is gonna give her if she doesn’t dial it down.

Kids today.  Don’t they read Facebook?

Toddlers & Tiaras: Darling Divas Take Manhattan. Get Ready For Some Fake Eyelashes And Pure Sugar Crashes! Paisley And Isabella Face Off In NYC!

Thursday, April 5th, 2012

 

Girl, I don’t need no hooker outfit. Just a fake tan, fake hair, fake nails and my Hello Kitty lip gloss. Oh it’s on, Paisley.

 

 

 

 

Boogers. Boogers. Boogers. Boogers. Booooooogers. Booooooooogers.

 

 

 

 

Lawd. White people are crazy.

 

 

 

 

I’ll take a coffee with 5 lumps.  But hold the coffee. That s*** just waters down my sugar, honey.

 

 

 

 

It’s wicked hahd seein’ her be such a losah. Sucks like the ’86 Red Sox.

 

 

 

Cover your eyes.  The glitter could potentially blind you.

Cover your nose.  The aerosol could easily asphyxiate you or your loved ones.

Cover your face.  Someone might see that look of shame you now carry for snuggling up to another season of that show you watch religiously and yet vow to never speak of in public.

That’s right.  They’re baaaack!

New York City hadn’t even cleared the streets from the Dance Moms invasion before Times Square was hit head on by the sparkly asteroid known as Toddlers & Tiaras.

It’s another batch of bite sized Pageant Princesses and their vicariously living Pageant Mom enablers!  Pop the lid on your Go-Go Juice, because this is the Best.  News.  Ever.

The show that you love to hate is back, with all the sequins and shiny stuff that you have come to expect.  And now that TLC has been pixie dusting our screens for a few years, there are quite a few break out stars on the Ramada ballroom circuit that are sure to show up for this latest round of suburbia disturbia.

Two of the most recent Big Dawgs on the runway are back this week to jumpstart the festivities as the gang all headed to the Darling Divas New York  New York Pageant.

First off, we got reintroduced to 3 year old patootie Paisley Dickey who is best known for hoochin’ out in that Julia Roberts Pretty Woman prostitute outfit last year.  That whole thing didn’t go as well as Mom Wendy had anticipated, now did it?

Paisley is also well known for being willing to sell her own organs for a Sam’s Club tub of cheese dip.  Forget college or the light bill.  All Paisley wanted last year if she pulled in any cash on the runway was that cheese dip.  Cheese dip.  Cheese dip.  Cheese dip.

I don’t even have a Sam’s card, but I might break down if she keeps talking about how finger licking good it is.  Now that Paula Dean can’t be my go to point person for all things cheese, I need to find someone out there who knows the good stuff.  Paisley seems to be the authority.

I just hope she doesn’t double dip at cocktail parties, because anytime that Paisley’s not eating cheese dip she’s picking her nose like it’s her day job.  And singing about it.

Pickin’ and Singin’.  Singin’ and Pickin’.

Nashville…are you listening?  Isn’t that your shtick?

Nose Gold aside, Paisley is so cute that I might need to take a hit off Paula’s insulin before the end of this season, because that little niblet is so precious I just want to go out on the street right now and slap someone for no reason what so ever.  She is cute.

Period.

Wendy, who proudly explained how slutting up her daughter led to “their” fame and stardom, is text book Pageant Mom.  She is determined to take her little fuzzy Georgia Peach and unleash her on the Big Apple, and has hired an agent to help with that process.

Yeah.  An agent.  Blake.

Blake said he is one of the top sumthin sumthin agents in New York and has really white teeth, and a tongue that he can’t seem to keep in his mouth.  He also snapped and fo’ shizzled his head side to side like he was a Bad Girl on VH1.

Dude.  Your’e not.  You also are at the LaGuardia Hotel for a baby Glitz Pageant.  Call me when you and Angelina have lunch, ok?

Next on deck, was 5 year old Isabella Barret and her Yawkey Way Mom Susanna.

If Mom’s thick accent is any indication, I believe there must be documentation out there somewhere to prove that Isabella was both conceived and delivered under the bleachers at Fenway Park.  I mean Fenway Pahhhk.  Love me some Boston Southie drawl.

Isabella is best known for getting snagged by TMZ fresh off a spray tan, where Mom (allegedly) spoon fed her smack talk about Paisley and that whole Pretty Woman Slut Puppy debacle.  Mom says she didn’t, but Izzy couldn’t respond to any questions without looking off to the side for coaching.  Maybe it was just Barney the Dinosaur off camera buying some bronzer and she was distracted.  Whatever, Mom.

If you slow the TMZ reel down you can almost see Susanna’s hand up Izzy’s dress like a Charlie McCarthy puppet.

They proudly boast that they put the “IT” in Italian.  And the “FUN” in Dysfunctional.  And the “BROKE” in Family Finances as they showed us the $5,000 Beauty dress splattered with 3000 crystals and the salty tears of at least 10 sweatshop children.

In the last 8 months Susanna has spent upwards of $40,000 on Bling.  The least Isabella could do is say it with the proper attitude.  Mom has a tendency to make Isabella keep repeating all her catch phrases and sassy finger snaps until she gets them just right.  Say it.  No.  Say it again.  Say it. Noooo.  That’s not how you do it.

After all that I needed to chill, and luckily we got to meditate with 8 year old Shian and her sassy Mom Trisma.  (What Baby Book had those two names?  Anyone?)

Shian is a little Diva in Training.  Kind of Beyoncé-ish, kind of old skool girl group.  She thinks her Mom is cray cray.

Mom is loud and proud, and meditates before each pageant in preparation for sliding down the shoot to DivaLand.  Her words, not mine.  Shian has an alter ego.  Natch.

Now don’t get me wrong.  I love me some Beyoncé, and could easily give Lady B a run for her money in a Single Ladies Dance-Off.  But all by herself that bitch has somehow given every African American girl I know a split personality.  Sasha Fierce entered our water system and some mass text message went out to every playground in America to line up at the bubbler and take a hit.

Trisma is a hoot.  Sister don’t take no crap.  You know she is on the Wendy Williams Show Facebook page every day getting all “Ooooooh Girl, no she din’t.”  She sez she’s passionate about pageants.  MmmHmm.  Loved her on the spot.  Her wigs and weaves were a little whacky, and always looked like they needed one more tug to the right, but she’s a sassy one.  I see where Shian gets her MoJo.  And her split personality.

Like any good Mom though, the kids come first.  So tightening them weaves had to wait because she just coughed up enough bank to buy 12 dresses for the pageant.  Twelve.

That meant no extensions.  And no fixing the front gate, which was a hot mess.  It must be exhausting to have to go outside every 30 minutes and yank their little wiener dog to safety when he gets stuck in that gaping hole in the front.  You’d think that little sausage would learn.

But no worries.  Pretty soon he’ll be able to slip right through that hole because he exercises every day with Shian.  They’ll both be pageant ready soon.  Their morning run was fun to watch.

As a result of the whole TMZ throw down, Isabella and Paisley’s Moms are not showing much love for each other, which translates into Anything Goes to Beat That Bitch.

Super Agent Man Blake took Paisley to a Child Stylist who was paid to morph her from Country Mouse to City Mouse before the show.  It was basically the whole Julia Roberts thing all over again, but in a more family friendly manner.  We got a little Paisley fashion show that gave everyone just enough time to realize that all a Child Stylist does is hand a kid some clothes and wait for them to get dressed.

Sign me up.  I’ll be in the Mall Food Court.

While Paisley was getting static in her hair from pulling all those sparkly tops over her head, Shian and her alter ego were battling it out in the nail salon.

Both the nail tech and Mom said no to gel tips.  Shian and Shian #2 said yes.  One of the Shians had a meltdown, and next thing you know…bam.  Nail tips.

Even though they are not recommended for young girls, and can ruin their nails for life, Shian wanted them burned into her flesh.  I think Trisma was afraid that Shian might splinter into thirds, and that bedroom ain’t big enough for three mini Divas.  So nail tips were applied and it was Pageant Time.

The prep work for the event was the typical hair and makeup pandemonium that every hotel has come to expect.

Isabella pointed out that her Mom was “Friggin’ stressed” and then bet $20 on the Yankees game.

Shian didn’t get her Diva meditation time, and as a result was feeling the nerves, as were all the crazy chicks in her hotel room.  The only way I can describe that room was to tell you to picture any random episode of Flavor of Love with an 8 year old in curlers running through the scene.  Trisma was not having a good day.  We’ll leave it at that.

Right before Paisley went on stage for her beauty, she realized that she had to tinkle.  I mean right before.  Like standing at the stage.

In a soon to be classic Toddlers moment, Dad Scott scooped her up like she was an explosive device and ran through the hotel while the  Mission:Impossible theme song played in the background.

Remember the old 1960s Batman show when Adam West was running around the docks and couldn’t get rid of the smoking bomb in his hands?

If you loved the show but can’t recall that particular episode…check it out on youtube.

If you’re so young that you didn’t even know that there were years called the 1960s…well…just screw you.  Go to bed.  You have school tomorrow and you shouldn’t be online anyway.

The whole beauty part of the pageants is always pretty tame.  They save the crazy for the theme portions.

This one was all about New York City.  Der.

To get Isabella on her game, Mom tore open two full packets of hotel sugar as if they were life saving pellets and dumped them down Izzy’s throat like a garbage disposal.  You know how in medical shows they tear the needle pack open with their teeth, spit the paper out and spike the patients blood sugar?

Like that, but carefully so she didn’t get lip gloss on her teeth.

It seems that Susanna didn’t read the warnings on the back of the packets before she crammed them into her daughter’s face, because all that sugar caused a crash that could be heard from the International Space Station.  Isabella came to a screeching halt on stage and stood there like she was having a bad acid trip.  Coming down’s the hardest part, honey.

Susanna’s reaction was classic Drama Queen.  She needed a moment.

Paisley chugged across the stage in a little plastic car that Dad then proceeded to pull back over her like rush hour on the Expressway.  The audience gasped as though they just witnessed an actual head on collision involving a daycare bus.  It’s a pageant.  Calm down.  Nothing to see here.  Keep it moving.

Paisley’s outfit this go round was a Lady Gaga inspired number, which had been done to death.  But the fact that Mom hooched out her kid a second time?  Seriously?  This costume was a little calmer, with only a few cut outs and missing parts.

She even got to rehearse ripping off the skirt part while bouncing on a hotel bed earlier in the day.  Get it out of your system now, I guess.  When a 3 year old does that, it’s only disturbing.  When a 16 year old does that, Chris Hansen shows up.

Shian squeezed into a girdle that Trisma pulled out of her purse and strutted her best Diana Ross.  (What a rip.  My Mom only had mints in her pocketbook…never any shape wear.)

Shian brought them to Church, I tell you.  Half the audience was testifying by the end of her song.

Then some kids won some stuff.

You don’t really care about that part.  It did get a little ugly when it turned out that Shian’s age category had 14 little beauties in it, instead of the 7 that I guess was mentioned on CNN or something.

I don’t know.  Mom blew a little nutty and took off.

Toddlers & Tiaras is back.

Cheese dip for everyone!


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