Toddlers & Tiaras: Enter The Land Of The Storybook Glitz Pageant. Where Robots, Booty Pops And Diamonds Are Totally A Girl’s Best Friend. Math And Score Sheets? Not So Much.Thursday, May 3rd, 2012
Trin Trin is here to Win Win, bitches. Any questions?
Pageant Monster need sugar. Must have sugar. And money. Lots and lots of money.
Booyeah! Just freakin’ Booyeah!
Oh man. I can’t wait until I’m old enuff to wear that much makeup and swear on national TV.
Seriously. The guys at Soccer Camp are never gonna believe this. You can’t make this s*** up.
Let’s give the South their props.
Yeah, it’s hot and humid and they get boned by all those hurricanes. And sometimes you lose a finger or an eye setting off their border shop fireworks.
But nobody does crazy Pageants better than the South. They own it and they’re proud of it.
So this week’s Toddlers & Tiaras, based out of Harrisburg, Pennsylvania of all places, was pretty darn tame in comparison to what we’ve seen over the past 5 seasons. But there was still enough lunacy to keep me on the couch for an hour, and besides…I couldn’t let all those snacks go to waste.
It was the Storybook Pageant: Diamonds Are A Girl’s Best Friend, where the only requirement was that your Glitz Engine be revving on all 8 cylinders.
Fake hair, fake nails, fake eyelashes and fake teeth. Basically, if it doesn’t grow in Nature, you’re allowed to stick it on your kid.
Oh. And fake tans. You gotta Spray It if you wanna Play It, people.
Pageant Director Tami got us all wound up at the starting gate by salivating over the glamour of the whole thing, dangling in our face all those sparkly, diamond encrusted massively oversized headpieces that were just waiting to snap a little girl’s neck during crowning.
Bring it on, Tami.
Our first stop was over at 4 year old Sienna’s house. Mom Laura started Sienna out on the pageant circuit when she was only 18 months old and she hasn’t stopped since, except for her weekly karate class.
As Mom tried to brag about her daughter, Sienna zipped around the room like Kung Fu Panda in her little white PJs, slicing at imaginary Ninjas. Since she is only 4, she is basically still all head and feet, which makes for a ridiculously cute Lab puppy but doesn’t really help with Sienna’s wax on/wax off spins.
I’m guessing that everything breakable in the house had been raised up above the height of her deadly round house kick.
Most of Sienna’s conversations came out in that half sing-songy way that you’d except to hear on a Wiggles DVD, regardless of the topic. Throughout the episode we got to hear her sing about everything from eyebrow waxing to the Jersey Shore. She was a hoot.
While Sienna was reciting the opening line of Madonna’s new single..twenty minutes of “MadonnaMadonnaMadonna”…5 year old Trinity was working on her own Divatude.
Mom Latrina, which I believe is Latin for Army Bathroom, was really nice and smiley and excited about their first venture into the Dark Side known as Full Glitz.
Trinity normally competed in all those laid back Natural Competitions, where the girls actually look like themselves and don’t need a Silkwood Shower after the show to remove all the chemicals and toxins found on glitz chairs and nuclear plants. But they are going for it this time, and Trin Trin was wired for sound.
First step in the process was a trip to the kitchen table Hello Kitty Day Spa, where Mom shaved down her brows into that perfect Beyoncé while Trinity laid back like an Egyptian mummy. Mom was pretty nimble with that QVC trimmer, because Trinity loved her new brows.
Jumping ahead a little, it’s too bad Mom couldn’t go into a little side business, because poor Sienna could have used her help instead of having her own Mom pour hot wax onto her eyelids. But it did give her a chance to sing the hot wax song, and she didn’t seem scarred for life. Or blind.
Then it was time to meet the Pageant Monster, 5 year old Kylie.
You probably heard Mom Maria before we even got up the front steps. It’s possible you probably heard her before we even made it down the street. Mom does get excited.
Maria embraces her daughter, her Puerto Rican heritage, her fly rockstar fingers and her Nascar yell like no one else at the PTA luncheon. Wepa!
Two years ago Kylie took a breather from the whole pageant thing to focus on her modeling, and did pretty well. Mom flashed more catalog covers and stacks of Children’s Couture magazines than you would find at the Recycling Center, so I guess the kid has the look.
When Maria mentioned that Kylie had already raked in over $30,000 from kiddie catalogs, you know I totally tried to squeeze my butt into some OshKosh B’Gosh overalls before the next commercial even started. To rub salt in the wound, Kylie then rambled on and on about how much she looooooooves money.
For a brief moment she morphed into Honey Boo-Boo Child, but without all that Extreme Couponing toilet paper. I Love Monaaaaaaaaaay!
($30,000 and she doesn’t even have all her adult teeth yet? Just shoot me.)
As if trying on OshKosh overalls wasn’t uncomfortable enough, we had to follow Sienna to her chiropractor. My overactive imagination immediately turned the whole thing into a bad Dateline episode and I wondered why a heating pad wouldn’t just do the trick in the safety of her own home. He called her Sweetie and then cracked her like a walnut shell. When she said that something or other felt hard and squishy I just sang a Sienna song in my head until Kylie went for her deep conditioning treatment.
Over at Zajari Hair Salon and Gift Shop, Maria was treating Kylie to some long overdue Hair Love and comedy relief.
Hopefully salon owner Zajari has a better handle on hair processing chemicals than she does on customer service, because that chick couldn’t remember Kylie’s name to save her life.
Have a seat, Carla. Would you like a magazine, Kayla? Don’t open your eyes under water, Katrina. So you’re going to be in a pageant I hear, Kabuki? How does that feel, KarmaChameleon?
Seriously? Write the freakin’ kid’s name on the shampoo cape with a Sharpie.
Pageant rehearsals at Trinity’s house were pretty uneventful, but I need to mention them only because her two brothers may have the best comic book names ever.
Esaias and Exavier. I haven’t quite decided if they are Superhero or Supervillain names yet, but either way the two brothers should win a trip to Superman’s Fortress of Solitude just for being the coolest kids in study hall. Granted, they’ll never be able to buy a key chain with their name on it when they go on family vacations, but who cares when you’re named Esaias and Exavier.
Finally it was Pageant Day.
Trinity brought her lucky bear and Sienna brought her lucky Michael Bublé floor microphone. I didn’t make that part up. She was singing on the luggage cart. For realz.
I love the chaos of the pageant hotel rooms. It makes me feel better about my life.
Sienna popped on her Ramada shower cap and wanted to be very brown. Very.
Whoever was doing her makeup “knew how to take care of my Spanish Girls” and buffed her out in the same color as the TV stand. Sienna also wanted her Snooki poof, which only at this minute as I write the sentence suddenly concerns me because that must mean that little Sienna actually knows who Snooki is.
The future of our country, people. When a 4 year old wants big Jersey Shore hair, it might be time to leave and go somewhere without MTV on their basic cable.
But call her big hair whatever you want. When it was all ratted and poofed, Sienna looked very cute. And very brown.
I’m starting to believe that TLC must have a one nose pick per episode requirement in the contracts this year, because I don’t ever remember so many kids digging for nose gold in past seasons. Right before she went on stage, Snooki almost got her finger stuck up there, but Mom came to the rescue.
The Beauty portion was all cupcakes and pretty feet, except for Kylie who forgot to close her legs.
(Insert your own joke here____________________!)
“Oh, snap NeNe. Close your legs to married men” was my first choice, but it doesn’t really make much sense in the context of a kiddie pageant, and is probably borderline inappropriate given the age category. But I love me some NeNe, so it is what it is.
The Glitz and Glamour Theme portion was cray cray.
Sienna danced on a piano and hooched around. I guess it was supposed to be a Chicago kind of musical extravaganza.
Kylie was hidden inside a cardboard space ship as Mom and Dad carried it up on stage. Maria wanted to make certain that Kylie stayed hidden so it would be a surprise to the audience.
One. It’s a pageant, and they’re going to announce her before the number starts. And I’m pretty certain that most of the people in the room, except for maybe the housekeepers who are so pissed that they set up all those chairs…again…and no one is sitting in them, probably expect a young child to show up at some point during the event.
Two. I saw her legs under the rocket. Busted.
Kylie worked her Mr. Roboto Dance like it was her job. Her choreography was really sharp and tight for such a young pup. I’m totally stealing a few of those moves for my bathroom dancing when I brush my teeth tonight.
Then it was time for Trinity’s Tootie Fruitie Booty Pop Dance.
Trin Trin…remember to send your Mom a thank you note for the badonkadonk, because you were shaking what your Momma gave you, girl. The audience went bazoinkers.
The crowning portion is where it all went South. And not the good kind of pageant south.
None of the three girls took home the big prize, and all three Moms get a little peeved.
I have to give the Moms their props. They were totally crazy Pageant Moms. But the good kind of crazy. Not the Krazy kind of Krazy.
They loved those kids to pieces, and they were peeved.
Peeved to the point that they stormed the Storybook Castle and demanded the score sheets. Now I’m not really up on my pageant protocol, so I don’t know if you get those anyway or if you have to bust down the door and tear them from someone’s hand like they did tonight.
Regardless, it was clear that something wasn’t right.
I hate Math as much as the next person, but whether you use a Puerto Rican or American calculator 10 + 10 + 10 should equal 30.
But Kylie’s card added up to 29.9. Say whaa—?!
Then Sienna’s card was deducted a few ticks, and a random passerby Mom blurted out that you lose points if your kid looks at you instead of the judges. Really? Sienna is barely old enough to focus her pupils…period. I thought we were supposed to be teaching kids not to look or talk to strangers?
Trin Trin didn’t place very high to start with, so her Mom didn’t get quite as wound up. But still.
And what were those two gigantic 16 year old girls doing on stage with 4 year olds? How do you even judge that? I thought they were bouncers until one of them took the whole enchilada, crown and all.
It was Score Sheet El Escandaloso! Or something.
And this is The Shimmy Shakin’, Booty Poppin’ End.