DanThat'sCool!

You might as well make things easier on yourself and start planning now.

And by planning, I mean creating a backstory for when you call in sick to work on Thursday, April 5th…because the Mother of all Guilty Pleasures is about to Glitter Bomb you in the face again.

Toddlers & Tiaras is baaaaack!

Well, almost.

Wednesday, April 4th, actually.  Just a few more weeks and then the show that you pretend you never watch and never talk about is pretty feeting its way back into your living room with a vengeance.

It’s going to be the Battle of the New Mini Divas as Paisley and Isabella face off after months of media smack talk and underage nightclub singing.

Paisley, best known for rocketing to fame by way of her now infamously uncomfortable Julia Roberts Pretty Woman hooker outfit, is hoping to have another cheese dip celebration with a shiny new crown on her head.

Isabella, best known for both talking s*** about Paisley to TMZ when they caught her over the holidays all freshly spray tanned (…and questionably/allegedly coached by Mom…) and skyrocketing to LMAFO “Sexy And I Know It” karaoke fame with an infamously uncomfortable video performance, is hoping to talk more s*** and score a big crown at the same time.

It’s Dramalicious.  And that’s only the kids.

Don’t get me started on the Moms.  Let’s just say you do NOT want to be caught in the same Walmart parking lot when those two Moms go shopping.  Ever.

Makenzie, Alana and the rest better watch their backs.  There are some new and returning faces looking to knock those oversized crowns off their heads.

No wonder Eden jumped ship to LOGO.

Trust me, Honey Boo-Boo Child…this is gonna get good.

High Five if you’ll be there.

And…why, yes…I am.  And I know it.

Thanks for asking.

Step off, Underdog.  You’re so 2011.

2012 belongs to Underpuppy.

At least according to her Mother, that is.

For all of you still trying to work through your Toddlers & Tiaras withdrawals, you’re about to get a sizable chunk of glitter spit back onto your television screen this Spring with the premiere of Eden’s World.

(I’ll wait while you pick yourself up off the floor…)

That’s right.  The country’s youngest retiree is coming out of her self imposed Full Glitz Pageant Exile to star in her own reality show, where she (and her sidekick Mom) will take over New York City like a tiny, sparkly King Kong all while letting young wannabes in on whatever the press release considers to be her “super secrets” to pageant success.

All on LogoTV.

Yeah.  That LogoTV.

Single handedly Eden has the potential to shove an entire ground-breaking network back into the closet.  Granted, her outfits and attitude are straight out of RuPauls’ Drag Race, and I’m sure she can throw down as well as any of the A-List BoyBitches…but LogoTV?

I guess Cartoon Network didn’t have enough colors in their arsenal for a show about a girl raised on pixie stix and aerosol.

And then there’s…umm…this.

(Please standby while I pick myself up off the floor…)

The dealio is…awhile back Eden and her MomHandler got some attitude and a sideways glance from Sharon Osbourne during a guest appearance on The Talk.  I guess Ozzie’s wife was a little skeptical about the whole pageant retiree/child exploitation/world domination thing, and with the help of their agent, Mom retaliated by writing this musical masterpiece.

Aside from a snarky dig at Sharon, we also get to witness a 7 year-old using the word hypocrisy (…she’s a Beauty Queen and a Spelling Bee Champ, apparently…) and a Madonna meets Jerseylicious outfit.

But hands down, the best part of the video has to be the little boy in the mosh pit/flash mob thing scenes, who is just standing around like he’s at the wrong school bus stop.

The last glimpse we see of the kid makes it appear that he may have fallen off the stage at some point and had to crawl back up.

I’ll deny it in court, but my DVR is already set.  Thanks for asking.

Enjoy.  And sparkle, baby.

They’re Bigger.  They’re Badder.  And definitely Blingier.

This week, in a move that could only be described as both brilliant and yet terrifying, Anderson Cooper unleashed Costco sized versions of our favorite Toddlers & Tiaras Divas on his studio audience.

In an attempt to put the Pageant Moms through the same over the top metamorphosis that their daughters endure each weekend, my new hero AC sprayed, teased and BeDazzled the Moms into bigger and bolder versions of their moneyyyyyyy making daughters.

Much bigger.

The highlight of course, was Honey Boo-Boo Child Alana and her crazy, coupon clipping, Show Your Belly mom, June Shannon.

Sometimes I just love Reality TV so much that I think my head may explode.

I’m gonna need a double shot of Go-Go Juice asap.

“Bitch stole my look.”