DanThat'sCool!

 

 

This is the deal. Next time we either get the couches back, or Mama’s bringing her padded Steelers bleacher cushion.

 

 

 

 

Seriously. If this blonde chick says ‘Motor Boat’ one more time…it’s on.

 

 

 

 

 

I was promised that Paige’s number would be cut and replaced with my Gangnam Style.

 

 

 

 

 

 I hate my life.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Let’s see who’s crying after I slap a bitch. Let’s go!

 

 

 

 

 

So, should I wake her up or just keep going until the next commercial break?

 

 

 

 

 

Oh. Hell. No. I didn’t bust out a new hair bow just to find out there’s no ice cream.

 

 

 

Second verse…same as the first.

Except maybe crazier.

It was Round Two for the Dance Moms Reunion this week, packed with even more of what we’ve come to love.

More competition, more yelling, more accusations…and more Moms.

The Original Recipe Moms.  The Hot New Mom.  The Former Mom.

Even one unsuspecting senior citizen Mom from Ohio in a complete fog, minding her own business in the audience, who somehow got caught in Abby Lee Miller‘s crossfire.

It was literally a Momapalooza.

Taking a nod from the Real Housewives franchise, my boy Jeff Collins had everyone stick around for a second week of talking smack in their fancy clothes, which pretty much always guarantees high drama as the day wears on and the stiletto feet start to hurt.

You know they always save the good stuff for the last show.

So everyone was back for more, just like on Bravo TV.  Except that when the cameras go back to Andy Cohen in some glittery Las Vegas hotel for Round Two, all the Housewives are still sitting there on the couches, uncomfortably glaring at each other or licking their front teeth like pageant girls.

For some reason on Dance Moms though, they felt the need to scoot everyone backstage and reintroduce them to the same audience again.  Like we’d never seen them before.  Granted, the whole process probably only took 45 seconds total, but that’s 45 seconds that someone could have been throwing shade.

Time is money, people.  And I bought snacks specifically for this evening.

Abby was first out on stage, just like last week, accompanied by a quick montage of some of this season’s New Mama Drama starring Kristie with a K and Jackie Lucia.

Oh, Kristie.  I may have mentioned once or twice over the last few weeks how much I love me some Kristie.

Seriously.  Love.

Every time the cashier at my grocery store holds up the line by checking her text messages under the counter I always wonder how Mama JLo would handle the situation.  Then my eyes get real big, I reach over the credit card scanner, hand her my coupons and slap the bitch into yesterday.

Let’s go!  Get off your phone.  Ring up my bag of Ruffles BBQ.  And then let’s go.

Jeff asked Abby to compare the New Moms to the Original Recipe Moms, and we got an ear full.  New Moms: Respectful.  Old Moms: Not so much.

Keeping with the same theme, he moved on to Sophia vs. Maddie and Asia vs. Mackenzie.

If you watch the show, you didn’t really need Abby to break down the differences between all the kids.  You could probably figure that one out by yourself.

One point Abby did make was that tiny SassyPants Asia probably didn’t know who Bob Fosse was, which apparently must come up in playground discussions a lot more than it did when I was in second grade.

If you’re 7 years old and can do the whole Single Ladies dance better than Beyoncé, who really cares who Bob Fosse is?  That’s what Google is for, mmmkay?

Then some random Soccer Mom in the audience inappropriately asked Abby if the Original Recipe Moms were jealous of Kristie’s awesome sauce hotness and the whole thing kind of collapsed into a discussion about skinny waistlines and boobs that could make a grown man cry.

Which was Kristie’s cue to come out on stage.

By the way, from now on I have decided to enter every room the same way Kristie does.

Like a hot a** Diva Bitch.

Arms opened wide.  Hugs.  Air kisses.  I have arrived.

I’ll pass on the Chair Guy bumbling behind me again, as well as the full length white gown.  Don’t get me wrong.  Looked faboo on her.  I just don’t have the height.

And now that you mention it, she did kind of look like Cher doing an opening number from the old Sonny & Cher Show, with that whole long hair and gown thing going on.

But she also kind of looked like a runaway bride from some Telemundo telenovela.  So I wasn’t really sure if she was going to sing Gypsies, Tramps & Thieves or throw a champagne glass against the wall and slap a housekeeper.

Love.  Her.

And then it was all about the crying scandal that rocked the ALDC:  Asiagate.

Again.

Did she cry?  When did she cry?  Did Mom try to hide her in the bathroom?  Why is a 7 year old acting like such a…I don’t know…a 7 year old?

Get Jill out here.  And Christi.  And a video montage of Kendall crying.  And then make Kendall do a solo dance in front of everyone right after the video.

Yeah…that happened.

After a few audience members blacked out from epileptic seizures (…seriously…did you see those strobe lights during Kendall’s solo?  A little warning would have been nice…) it was nothing but tears.

Side note.  During Kendall’s solo I finally figured out what that odd Mardi Gras studio reminds me of with all its beads and Senior Play lighting.

Star Trek.  Or Lost in Space.  Or any of those old, low budget sci-fi shows before there were CGI effects.  I swear Kendall was dancing in the same room where Captain Kirk kissed a Vulcan princess while he was trippin’ on space juice.

Tell me I’m not wrong.

After the solo, it was probably a good 90 minutes of arguing about whether or not Asia was born with working tear ducts, why Kendall cried every week regardless of whether she was yelled at or not, why Jill cared so much about Asia’s emotional state, why we were all still having this discussion in the first place and why they’re not all saving those tears for their pillows anyway, like it says in the damn contract.

Abby interjected something about how only kids with no food should be allowed to cry and then Jill said Asia was a Hot Mess in every group number.

Secretly, even though I totally heart Jill, I wanted JLo to pound a Bump-It back into her skull just for good TV.  But violence isn’t the answer, kids.

Or at least not when you’re wearing couture.

Before it went completely Christi on Kristie, we were treated to a video montage of squeaky little Sophia’s short Dance Moms tenure.  And then her solo, entitled SuperStar.

Which they had to spell out in the lyrics, since apparently the show should also be a learning experience given the fact that kids are at home watching TV instead of doing their homework on a Tuesday night.

Honestly, I didn’t realize how many times the songs spell out their own titles until later in the show when Mackadoodle performed her own dance and they had to sound out the word ‘Lemonade’ for me.

Go back and check your DVR this season.  It’s true.  The More You Know.

Melissa and Jackie Lucia joined the crowd after sending JLo back to the Green Room (…Boo…!) where they gave Jeff a lesson in the difference between Spins and Turns.

Yes.  It’s true that Sophia can reverse the clock and go back in time like Superman did just by spinning herself into thin air.  Which is a pretty big deal if you ask me.  But Mom didn’t want her to be remembered as simply the dancing Tasmanian Devil.  And she certainly didn’t want Sophia remembered for being part of the Fight Club known as the ALDC.  They are both way too soft spoken for any of that dramz.

So as you’ll recall, Jackie had pulled Sophia out of Pittsburgh before they had even finished unpacking, and that had resulted in some long term tension between the Moms.

Given that Jackie didn’t want to be around all the negativity, and that realistically it would have been almost impossible to take either of them seriously during an argument when they both sound like characters from a Disney holiday cartoon, it was best for everyone that they just move on and check Pittsburgh off their Bucket List.

Thanks for playing.  Love your hair.

One more side note.  Abby shouldn’t sit on those high chairs with one foot on her stool and one foot on Melissa’s.  She just shouldn’t.  Unless she’s giving a motivational speech to a football team going into the last quarter of the Super Bowl, of course.

Otherwise, just don’t do that again, please.

Eventually, Abby headed out back and Kelly and Holly joined the girls on stage .  The Old and the New.  And the Uncomfortable.

Holly felt that it was insulting for Jackie to diss the ALDC.  Jackie asked why they even stay at the studio if it’s nothing but throw downs and breakdowns.  Christi wanted to know where Jackie and JLo were three years ago and Kelly wanted to go on record as saying she did NOT show the Lucias the front door.

Jill phutzed with her 47 bracelets a lot.  Ssssh.  Stop that.

Finally, the newbies were sent to the Green Room to babysit Vivi-Anne as all the originals filled the stage.

Even Chaos Cathy Nesbitt-Stein.

Let the games begin, please.

When questioned, Cathy stated that she would maybe, possibly, potentially, might consider taking Chloe on as a student at the Candy Apples Dance Center.

Maybe.  Not an offer.  Just saying.

She would also only choose Holly or Melissa to watch her kid during a national emergency, since the rest of them are all unreliable loose cannons.  Which I guess implied that JLo and Jackie were out back poking Vivi-Anne with a stick or something.

Another Soccer Mom asked Cathy which Downton Abbey characters remind her of herself and Abby, since apparently Cathy must tweet about the show.

I’ve never actually seen the program, so I have to assume it must conflict with some Reality trash on my viewing schedule.  But Cathy compared Abby to some car on the show, and since the only two TV cars I know are the talking one from Knight Rider and Herbie the Love Bug (…back before Lindsay Lohan got all coked up…) I had no idea what was going on.

Luckily Abby came to my rescue by changing the subject and calling Cathy’s Mom her “Poor Pathetic Mother.”

Oh, snap.  Did you just diss my Mom?

Shut up.  And Mom was right there in the audience.  Girlfriend perked up like they had just called her number at Bingo.

They even gave Vivi-Anne’s Grandma some Honey Boo Boo subtitles as she called Abby a disgrace and pointed in the air like she was picking out deli meat.

Best part?  The little girl next to her was all like totally OMG I love this show.  Her little friends are gonna be totz jealz tomorrow.  Totz.

And then it was nothing but screaming, yelling and accusations that Abby now suffered from PTSD as a result of being beaten by Cathy’s handbag.

She struck me.  Dramatic pause.

Kelly had time to sneak in a few more zingers regarding Anthony Burrell calling out Paige‘s floppy legs in front of an entire auditorium at the last competition and how hurtful it had been.  Regardless of whether Abby had set up her daughter in front of the crowd, or if Anthony was just being Tony the Tool, the whole scene horrified Paige to the point where she had refused to perform her solo during the Reunion Show.

Abby was quick to point out that you don’t getter better sitting on your butt, and then Kelly got a little twisted.

By the time Abby told Cathy that her pathetic mother was nothing to her, and that Cathy was nothing to her, and that Cathy is something that should be shoved dow the toilet with a plunger, Jeff was pretty much breaking out in some serious lip sweat and nervous pee.

And then he did what I do whenever I’m in a tense situation and can’t figure out what to do next:  I panic.

Hey, everyone!  Let’s dance!

And the Award for Most Awkward Transition of 2013 goes to Mr. Jeff Collins.  Come on up and get your trophy, dude.

With two minutes to go, all the kids ran out and performed the famous Rosa Parks group number in a last ditch attempt at breaking the tension.

And maybe it worked for some viewers.  For me, it just made me wonder why they hadn’t been using elastic chin straps all along.

I know, right?

Hats were flinging off and flying off and falling off at every performance this year, and now that we’re done with the season you decide to invest in rubber bands?

Somebody needs a JLo slap.

And then it was over.

But only for a few weeks.  And then they’re back.

So we’ll see you then for more hilarity.

And Grandma…what do you think of my Dance Moms recaps?

 

 

Sit down, Simon. Shut up and give Paula and Randy a chance to talk.

 

 

 

 

 

I distinctly recall being told there would be snacks.

 

 

 

 

 

Haters gonna hate. I know my junk looks freakin’ amazing in this dress, baby.

 

 

 

 

 

Dang, girl. I would totally tap dance that. Hit me up.

 

 

 

 

 

Girl, puhleez. She ain’t the only thing in NYC with big hair and boobs. How you like this View, boys?

 

 

 

 

 

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

 

 

 

 

 

 

I cant’ remember if I packed the Jerky.

 

 

 

 

Start spreading the news.

And locking your doors.

Not since King Kong…or maybe Eden Wood…has there been such panic in the theater district.  Screaming children.  Hysterical mothers.  Drama and chaos.

Glitter everywhere.

That could only mean one thing.  Dance Moms just invaded New York City.

The ALDC hit The Big Apple this week all thanks to Abby Lee Miller‘s co-hosting gig on ABC’s The View and the (…up until today anyway…) previously unheard of Masters of Dance Competition.  And wherever Abby and her team go, you know the Candy Apples can’t be far behind.

After losing out to Chaos Cathy Nesbitt-Stein and her Evil Dance Lair boy band during their last confrontation, Abby could smell blood in the water as they arrived in NYC.

Looking like a Shrinky Dink version of some 1950′s girl gang in their pink satin bowling jackets, the ALDC wasn’t wasting any time as they headed into the Stepping Out Studio to get the party started.

But first things, first.  Because even when you’re on the road, you always make sure to pack your Pyramid of Shame.  Toiletries, Mom’s iPhone charger and your Pyramid.

Bottom row of the traveling triangle show was reserved for Mackenzie, Brooke, Nia and firecracker Asia.

MackTicTac was still on the down low because of that mysterious on again/off again foot issue that only seems to manifests itself when she has to go up against Asia in a booty pop contest.  Otherwise, she seems to be fine, especially when national television cameras are focused on her backflips.  But that’s a whole other Melissa issue.

Nia and Asia’s duet in the previous competition got them stuck in the basement, due to Nia having trouble keeping up with Asia’s double timed music video shimmy.  That little thing does like to get her Beyoncé on, but even Sasha Nia wasn’t quite ready for that jelly last week.  Brooke joined them on the bottom basically because she was Brooke.

Second row was the Paige, Kendall and Maddie trifecta.  Paige and Kendall did ok in the last competition.  Good, but not great.  Better than the bottom, but not good enough for the top.  So there really wasn’t anywhere else to go.  But Abby was fairly happy with their recent performances and that prevented any Jill melt downs.  So that was a bonus gift with purchase, even though I do love me some KrazyJill.

Maddie had only beat out the second place dancer by one digit on the score card last time, and that was cutting it a little too close for Abby’s comfort.  So second row it was, just to prove a point.

One single point, now that you mention it.

The top dawg this time around was Chloe and her little cabbage patch doll eyes.

She did amazeballs in her solo, and grew another inch, so that guaranteed her some numero uno real estate.

At the Masters this week (…the dancing one, not the golfing one…) Asia, Chloe, Maddie and Kendall would all be performing solos, so there was a lot of work to do before the competition.  A lot.

But first, the girls needed to stretch, shake off the cobwebs and practice The Last Text routine.  The number had to be perfect before they unleashed it on Whoopie Goldberg and the rest of the ladies on The View, because you know how they all get if you screw something up or talk too Republican on live television.

As you’ll remember from their original award winning performance of the OMG Don’t TXT Cute Boys While UR Driving routine, MackaYakka was the first body pulled from the crime scene.  But since Melissa and Dr. NoName had claimed that the little tyke could not dance for at least two solid weeks, Abby decided to replace her with Asia just to see Mom start to unravel.

The rest of the Moms still felt that Melissa had fabricated most of the medical drama, up to and possibly including bootleg x-rays and back alley muscle relaxer prescriptions, and therefore didn’t have much pity when Melissa started squawking about the swap out and the implications that her tiny dancer might not actually be such a great tiny dancer.

I believe Kelly‘s support for her friend was along the lines of “Welcome to my world.  How do you like it?”  And then something else that was (bleeped) out.

It is Kelly, after all.

As the Moms bickered back and forth about whether or not MackQuack was really injured and/or had been magically healed overnight, a little further down on the 3 Train the Candy Apples brigade was reveling in their newest Master Plan to destroy the ALDC.

Chaos Cathy had somehow managed to get her widescreen Apple TV Pyramid from Ohio to the bus to their temporary hideout, and plugged that bad boy in for the big reveal.

Nick (…the other Nick, not the original recipe one…) Jalen and Brandon‘s iPhotos were all techno-flipped over on the bottom row of the screen.

I know.  When there are only four people, it’s a little anticlimactic.  Even without a racing form you probably already probably figured out who the top one was gonna be.

Zack was The Man this week, because he had been the top soloist at the last competition.  So there, bitches.  Bros before Ballet Toes.

For the upcoming Masters (…no, Tiger Woods won’t be there…) Cathy decided to shake things up one mo’ time and bring in a girl dancer.

I know, right?  Craziness.

The only flaw in that plan was that she had forgotten to pack any girls, aside from congested Vivi-Anne, so that meant Cathy would need to audition some female dancer types who could actually dance to fill the spot.  Asap.

Luckily, she did remember to stuff the oh so fine Anthony Burrell in her Louis overnight bag.  You know Tony.  He’s the choreographer who went behind enemy lines after Abby’s Ultimate Dance Competition and was now spraying his contemporary shizzle all over the Candy Apples.

And Mama likes.  You can tell.  Cathy gets all Desperate Housewives whenever Anthony comes around, and would probably walk out into oncoming traffic if she saw him on the other side of the road twerking it with a boom-box.  MmmMmm.

Back at the Stepping Out Studio, the Moms were still going at it.  Just like the last 2 1/2 seasons.  But now new Mom Kristie is part of the mix.  And she pretty much gives me life every time she starts flapping her earrings around and doing that PopOff thing she does with her wide eyeballs.

JLo don’t play.

Especially when it comes to Asia vs. MackSplat.  Who wanted the dance more?  Who should have it?  And what’s with that whole busted up foot charade?

JLo had no problem with the two girls going head to head in a dance off until only one was left standing.  She also had no problem shaking her gigantic frisbee earrings and getting all OhNoSheDin’t on Melissa’s head.  On the other side of the tracks, Melissa clearly was not comfortable with chick on chick street fighting and simply went in for the Soccer Mom kill by stating that she didn’t want her baby girl being all sassy on The View.

Yeah.  She went there.  Dissin’ Asia’s dance club chest rub.  Whatever…it’s on.

I’m all for the throw down.  Don’t get wrong.  The more, the better.  But all things considered, this one did seem like an awful lot of fighting over three back flips out the passenger side window and then laying on the ground for an entire dance.

But nobody asked for my opinion.

Then we were off to next season’s American Idol auditions.  Or so I thought.

Chaos Cathy had set up an iParty knock-off version of that Ryan Seacrest show, complete with Yo Dawg and an incoherent Paula Abdul.  I immediately smelled a spin-off show, and would like some residuals from the program if anyone decides to green light the project.

My girl Vivi-Anne was front and center, expecting to be dazzled by the auditioning dancers’ stage presence once her 64 oz. SlushPuppy kicked in.  She was also apparently waiting for someone to bring in her allergy meds, eye drops and Twizzlers.

Again, nobody asked, but I’m starting to think that she may have some kind of issue with dairy, because she’s always stuffed up after shoveling down ice cream or cheesecake.

I swear.  If she does not get her own sitcom within the next year…

Some of the kids showed up like it was opening night of A Chorus Line, complete with head shots, resumes and celebrity stories.  Some seemed to have wandered into the wrong casting call and faked out a few two steps just to keep their Moms happy.

There was even one sweet little butterball of a boy who appeared to have come in because he didn’t want to go to gym class.  But I liked him.  And so did Anthony, even though he sent him back home to practice.

Follow your dreams, dude.  Dance ’till your pants fall off.

The winner:  Victoria.  And her spunky Mom with her snappy short haircut.  Welcome to the Boys’ Klub.  And help yourself to some complimentary beef jerky.

Cathy and Vivi-Anne then scooted off to Junior’s Cheesecake to celebrate, and that one scene alone could pretty much be an entire blog post.  I can’t.  I just can’t.

Wipe your nose, honey.  And check out Jalen’s swag.

What?

Back up the subway line, JLo was pulling a Jill and having Asia give Abby a thank-you card for letting her dance with the ALDC.  A big one.  Like the kind of card your whole homeroom would sign if you broke your leg over February vacation.  Take that, other Moms.

JLo don’t play.  Did I already mention that?

Finally, it was Showtime…at The View!

Abby put the girls through a dry run of their dance, with Asia doing the flip to face plant tumble, but she kept looking at the wrong camera when she landed.

Personally, I believe that she was so distracted by whatever was going on with Abby’s hair that she couldn’t focus.  But for the third time this week, nobody asked me.

As if we couldn’t all see it coming, Abby then swapped out Asia with MackCarJack who screwed up her flip as well.  She was afraid that she was going to fall off the stage and didn’t shoot out the passenger window far enough.

For realz.  The kid can do 73 back flips into a whatever they call that, but she was afraid of a 6 inch platform drop.  Seriously.  Have you ever seen the audience at The View?  I’m quite sure there’s gonna be at least one pair of cushy thighs in the audience to break your fall, sweetheart.  It’ll be ok.

Backstage, the Moms continued the same argument they had been having since the opening credits.  Except this time JLo added gym-toned arms and perfectly placed boobs to her giant earring arsenal.

Lawd.  That dress.  JLo…she don’t play.

Even Abby had to bow to JLo’s awesomeness when she came into the room.  If Abby’s hair hadn’t already been so crazy, I’m sure it would have stood up straight like that anyway when she got a load of JLo, who clearly expected to be asked to co-host the second half of the show.

Love.  Her.

Just like we love Christi‘s endless supply of ChristiFaces which she unelashed on Melissa throughout the whole How Do You Like It fight.

The View went great.  Abby was actually pretty nice.  She even smiled.  And they caught it on tape as proof.

Of course, she made the decision to replace Asia with MackDoubleStack at the very last minute before they performed the dance.  But JLo had said all along that she was coolio with what ever decision Abby made, so no biggie.  When you look that hot you really can’t be bothered, right?

Phase One of the ALDC NYC Take Over was complete.

Now…on to those Candy Apples.

To be continued.

 

 

You heard me. Hold on to your hats and your panties, girls. The Z-Man is back.

 

 

 

 

 

OMG. It’s that boy from that show.

 

 

 

 

 

That Dad is totally checking me out, right? He can’t take his eyes off all this.

 

 

 

 

 

Oh. Hell. No.

 

 

 

 

 

 

ManCandy? Mama likes them Apples.

 

 

 

 

 

I know, right? It’s like this hat makes no sense whatsoever.

 

 

 

 

 

Drink up, Pookie. Then we’ll go meet with that nice man from the Pittsburgh Board of Health.

 

 

Where’s all my girls at?

They better be practicing in Studio A, cuz there’s boyz in the hizzle and they ain’t playing.  No, sir.  They don’t play.

They’re here to spin it and win it.

It was Dance Moms doping this week when their arch rival injected Bboy enhancing testosterone into four bite-sized Captain America super soldiers and unleashed a totally girl-free team straight up in the judges’ faces.

Because judges eat that s*** up with a spoon.

But first, The Pyramid of Shame.

Needless to say, after coming in a whopping 4th Place at last week’s competition, the mood during the military lineup was a little gloomy.  Everyone was nervous about how well Abby Lee Miller was going to handle coming in 3 notches below the top spot.

Let’s just say she didn’t handle it well, and keep this thing moving.

This week they were headed to Voorhees, NJ for the On Stage America competition, and 4th Place wasn’t going to cut it this time around.

Bottom floor of the Pyramid was reserved for Mackenzie, Maddie, Paige and Nia.

MackAttack was cut from the group number again.  Poor little noodle, she can’t seem to catch a break lately.  She’s in.  She’s out.  She’s too young.  She’s old enough now.

She’s also related to her Mom Melissa, who is currently on Abby’s Naughty Girl list, so that probably had as much to do with her current low standing as her signature circus flips did.  Maddie also shares the same DNA, and since Abby had grown tired of poking Kelly with a stick, she has apparently moved on to Melissa’s family.

Paige was also on the bottom because apparently Abby wasn’t quite as tired of poking Kelly with a stick as I had originally thought.  My bad.

Nia was on the bottom just because.  It wasn’t really explained very well, but it did give Holly time to make one of her delightful MomFaces.  OhNoSheDin’t.

Second row was all about Kendall and Chloe.  No surprises.  Except for when Jill did a handstand and three somersaults to celebrate her kid finally making it out of the basement.  When she stood back up her hair still looked the same, though.

The top spot reveal was a blank piece of white paper, not Brooke‘s face as many Vegas oddsmakers had predicted.  I’m going to assume that somewhere along the line a production intern must have misplaced Brooke’s headshot, because the poor girl hasn’t been taped up on the mirror for most of this season.  Since none of the Moms ever put down their iPhones, you’d think someone would have the sense to snap a quick photo just so Miss Hyland can play along with the other girls.  But, whatever.

Then I thought that maybe the blank sheet was one of those optical illusion things where if you stare at it long enough you see the face of Jesus or Sophia Lucia.

But nope.

And speaking of, how long does it take to film a movie cameo?  It’s not like she’s out at Sundance fer cryin’ out loud.  Do your thing and get back home before Maddie has a stress induced aneurism.

You two kids need to settle this in the parking lot like good thugs, crown the victor, bury the loser and then we can get back to fixing our sickled feet.

When Abby claimed that nobody deserved the top of the Pyramid, Kelly’s mouth got (bleeped) out AND blurred out.  They don’t even do that on Mob Wives, so she must have had some serious potty mouth.

Kendall, Nia and Chloe all got solos.  Maddie got another nervous tick and then they all got sparkly hats for the group number.  The routine was yet another Bob Fosse-ish jazz handy fedora kind of dance with a Survivor-like twist.

You drop your hat…you’re kicked off the island.

As the girls began rehearsing, Melissa’s guilt and regret for supporting the other Moms during their sit-in a few weeks ago began percolating again.  Having your friends’ backs is one thing, but at the cost of losing your place in line behind Abby’s butt?  Maybe not.

Transitioning from kissing butt to kicking butt…we were then whisked off to Ohio and the Evil Dance Lair known as Candy Apple’s Dance Center.

We’ve never really discussed it, but what is the real deal with the apostrophe in that name?  Anyone?  Is the studio owned by some stripper?  Because that’s the only Candy Apple I’ve ever heard of besides the kind you eat.

(Yes…I have a couple of jokes in my head right now, but we’ll move right along before I get blurred out like Mama Hyland’s face.)

Chaos Cathy Nesbitt-Stein had combed the Earth and pulled together a fresh crop of juvenile boy jerky for a newly created All Male Revue.  Judges love boy dancers, and usually give them high scores just so they won’t jump ship and go play football.  That’s just a fact.

Don’t get me wrong.  I’m all for boy dancers (…that didn’t come out quite the way I intended it to sound…) but it’s a fact of life.  And Cathy knew it, so she was ready to shove some new sticks into them candy apples, if you know what I mean.

There was Bryant, who kind of looked like he thought he was going to be on MTV’s Dance Crew when he showed up that morning but was koolio with it and stuck around anyway, and Gino who was all braces and boogie feet.

The third Bboy was legit Bboy dancer Jalen, who at 2 feet tall has a bigger social media presence than Ryan Seacrest.  No lie.  Check it out.  Jealz much?

He’d probably be a lot taller if he didn’t spend all day spinning on his head, but he is seriously playground gangstah and killed it on stage.

And then there was Zackery.  Commence swooning, girls.

He’s the same Zack who devastated the entire female species when he was eliminated way too early on that Abby’s Ultimate Dance Competition show.  Remember that?  All the crying and screaming and collapsing on the floor when Robin Antin pimped out the Pussycat Dolls and then sent the kid packing?

He’s back, bitches.

I’m going to assume that the producers either knew a good thing when they saw all those unconscious little girls in the lobby of that Los Angeles hotel this summer, or that Cathy chloroformed Zack and tossed him into the back of a waiting van after he and Mom Gina flipped off his marquee light.  But either way, he was back.  And Trapper Keepers everywhere just got a new I Heart Zack glitter doodle during homeroom period.

Choreographer Nick Anthony (…a lot of porn names this week, huh?…) made the horse & buggy trip to Ohio to teach the boys some dope hip hop beats, and while they all got jiggy wid it, Cathy licked her chops like she was at a Costco international food sampling weekend.  It’s well documented that Mama likes her boys.

Back in PA, the female group routine was not going quite as smoothly.

Maddie was gradually coming unraveled and nobody could seem to figure out how to keep a hat on their head for longer than two 8 counts.  Even holding the chapeaus wasn’t working very well.  I see why Abby doesn’t let the girls juggle chainsaws on stage.

And then Abby’s little sissy dog drank out of the public water fountain.

With the same mouth that he licks his own butt with.  I wasn’t sure if that was an everyday occurrence, or if Abby was just playing a mean joke on Jill the next time she gets thirsty.  But since Jill’s mouth was pretty much all over Abby’s butt by now, it probably was less of an issue for her than I’m making it out to be.

Buying Chanel gift sets and lobby benches didn’t really get her anywhere last season, so Jill had moved on to straight up slave labor in an attempt at getting on Abby’s good side.

Including squatting alongside a little puppy while it does a tinkle on national television.

Watch Mama show you how it’s done.  Good boy.  Now let’s go have some water.

That would have been awarded the episode’s Oddest Moment Award for certain if Jill hadn’t next shown up in her confessional camera shot wearing a hat.

I can’t.

Moving on.  Solo rehearsals were going ok.  Not great.  Just ok.

And the group routine wasn’t going much better.  There were hats flying everywhere like some unintentional tribute to the opening of the Mary Tyler Moore Show.

Sing it:  You’re gonna make it to 4th Place after all, girl.  Hat toss.  And scene.

During their final dress rehearsal, Kendall’s costume hadn’t been delivered yet and it turned into big drama.  Instead of picking something out of Abby’s fire trap of a costume shop, Jill had commissioned a designer to create a masterpiece like they do on Toddlers & Tiaras.  And it was late.

Abby flipped.  Kendall cried.  Jill double flipped.

Chloe just stood back in her dirty Raggedy Ann outfit and watched, looking like a toy shoppe version of that sad kid in Les Misérables. 

Jill had yet another full-on cowboy hat meltdown and called it destruction of the children while proudly proclaiming that she was a grown a** woman like they do on VH1.

Yeah, Bitch popped off.

Then some more screaming and then she yanked her daughter out the door, thinking that the other Moms would follow her as backup like they all did during the min van sit-in.

Umm.  Not so much.

Once you’ve been burned, you tend not to touch the stove again.  So Jill was on her own for this one.  Thanks for nothing, ladies.

Finally, it was Showtime!

Everyone made their Rock Star entrances down the hallways, surrounded by screaming Justin Bieber fans all clutching cell phones and souvenir ALDC bumper stickers.

Craziness.

One of the benefits of Dance Boys is that they occasionally come with matching Dance Dads, and Cathy found herself a keeper with this dude.

Loved this guy.  Not only did he support his boy 400%  but I think he also thought he was at a Knicks game, because Dad spent the entire episode pointing and fist pumping and high fiving everyone around him.  If you don’t blink you can catch him chest bumping Zack’s Mom.

My boy’s a dancer.  Booyeah!

Sniffly space shot Vivi-Anne even showed up with Cathy, most likely because she forgot that Mom had kicked her off the team during their ice cream social earlier in the season.

But it’s always a hoot to see what she is chewing on each week.  So drop by anytime, sweetie.

The same intern who misplaced Brooke’s 8×10 glossy was also apparently in charge of the On Stage America backdrop, because that was missing as well.  There’s no way that could have been their official backdrop, right?  It looked like someone with a car ran out to Lowe’s for spray paint twenty minutes before the curtain went up and then it was all hands on deck as everyone tagged the back wall like it was a dumpster.

Girl, that was boooooghetto.

As for the dancing, it was what it was.

Solos were ok.  Only Kendall managed to even place.

The boys weren’t exactly a well-oiled break dancing machine, but the audience freakin’ loved it.  Or maybe it was just the spray paint fumes.  But they were all cheering their brains out.  Ten years from now they’re doing Bachelorette parties.

They’re dudes, and Dad went completely Superbowl on the back of Abby’s head.

The all-girl version went well, too, except for when Chloe dropped her hat.  And you know the rules.  Even though they ended up beating the boys by 1/10th of a point.

You know the rules.

Backstage, Abby blew a nutty.  Christi blew a bigger nutty.  Christi’s been losing it all season if you go back and watch the videotape replay.  And this was her best nutty yet.

Then she quit.  Someone has to quit every week.  It’s in their contract.

Replace us!  Go ahead.  Replace us!  Dramatically awkward suitcase slam.  Even more dramatic hallway exit that looked like she and Chloe were pushing their way through CNN reporters after leaving the OJ Simpson courtroom.

Christi was either yelling at the camera guy, or the Bieber Fever kids or her own kid.  It wasn’t really clear, but I’m going to go with the camera guy.

Bad cell reception.  No cab to the airport.

It was pure Dance Moms dramz.

And scene.