Posts Tagged ‘TV News’

Mob Wives: All Rise For The Queen Of The Drunken Monkey. Staten Island Is Heating Up…And Plumping Up…This Summer, With The Return Of Big Ang!

Saturday, June 16th, 2012

It’s Summer in da City, and it’s gonna be a scorcher.

As you’re packing that leopard print beach bag for your trip to Staten Island next month, please do make certain that it’s filled to the brim with snacks, trashy magazines, wine coolers and greasy spf 50.

…and Chapstick.

Lots and lots of Chapstick, because this summer it’s all about the lips.

And the nails.  And the boobs.

And that voice.

That beautiful, gravely, gut busting voice.

Big Ang is back, bitches.

We’ve barely had time to wrap our little minds around the fact that Toddlers & Tiaras is unleashing their glorious Honey Boo-Boo Child spin off on us this summer, and now we are about to get slapped with so much injected Gangsta Goodness that my head may just explode.

Or at the least, inflate like an oversized silicone balloon.

Dat’s rite.  Set your DVR and take the phone off the hook.

Everyone’s favorite Mob Wives breakout star Angela “Big Ang” Raiola is back with her own spin-off show on July 8.

National Big Ang Day, as I like to call it.

Since there is no such thing as too much Big Ang, injectable Botox or elective plastic surgery (…the trifecta of Reality TV Gold, by the way…) her new show is pretty much guaranteed to give us all plenty of opportunities to chill out at the Drunken Monkey and absorb her Wise Guy wisdom like thirsty young Jedi Mob Knights.

I loooove me some Big Ang.  When I found out that VH1 had commissioned Big Ang murals to be painted all around the city to promote her show, for a few moments I actually considered moving to New York so I could stare out my penthouse window at a 4 story tall Big Ang every night before I went to sleep.

I know, right?  Best.  Apartment.  Ever.

Then I remembered that I couldn’t afford a penthouse.

But if I sit really, really close to my television set it’s almost the same thing.

I just wonder what the long term effects of combining Mob Wives and Toddlers & Tiaras in this hot summer sun could turn out to be….

Maybe it will come to me after a few Go Go Juice Red Wine shooters.

Plump ‘em if you got ‘em, right?

Every Who Down In Who-ville Had To Watch The New Jersey Housewives Steal Christmas In A Chanel Bag

Monday, July 25th, 2011

 

 

 

You’re as cuddly as a cactus, and as charming as an eel, Mrs. “G”…

 

 

Even as QVC’s Christmas In July jingled on for over 48 hours this weekend, apparently selling anything that could be fabricated utilizing easy pour plastic molds, LED lights and fake snow, The Real Housewives Of New Jersey had to, of course, one up them by donating another hour of Christmas sugar cookies and smack downs for our viewing pleasure.  There was so much Joisey Holiday Joy packed into one hour that it was literally busting out over the top at a greater intensity than Melissa Gorga in that party dress.  It was no wonder that Melissa  had someone else push that Mean Kim “G” out the door, because she seemed to need both hands always at the ready in case her Disney Snow Princess bustier needed another tug.  You don’t want to unleash any of that around a room full of vino and guido.  No you don’t.

I guess to fully recoup the $50,000 for the intimate little Christmas gathering Melissa had arranged, Bravo TV dragged the whole thing out for another episode and let us witness additional proof that money doesn’t buy you class.  With a home that boasts more square footage than the International Space Station, Joe and Melissa still managed to get everyone into one camera shot so we could watch them all pop off on Kim “G” for showing up to the party with one of no doubt multiple lawyers who are suing Teresa and her husband.  After booting out the lawyer, they all smelled Kim “G” blood, or Dior eau de perfum, in the water and went in for the kill.  First they all circled and poked her with their noses and then one of the generic Italian Manzo boys dragged her like so much meat out of the house and sent her back home, with bodyguards and driver in tow, until her next 15 minutes get filmed.  And who brings a bodyguard to a party, when no one outside of the cast even knows who you are?  I doubt that her name is high on the Celebutante Abduction List.  Relax, GDawg.  You could get your 2am Central Park jog on and I’m pretty sure no one would bother you.

But nothing says Italian Holiday more than blatant excess and unattended children.

Both were running rampant through every home in the neighborhood this week.  Teresa seems to take pride in over dressing and over stuffing her three little girls into as much tulle and red faux fur as she can, until they stumble out of the bathroom looking a lot like an odd Holiday mash-up between a Victoria Beckham wedding hat and Grover from Sesame Street.  The littlest one, I forget their names and who is who…Milania, Bologna, Begonia, Ammonia…I think I just invented a new drinking game.  Anyway, the littlest one was completely wrapped up in what I think was one of those My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding dresses that involve about 47 yards of fabric, glitter and a hole for your head.  The middle one..take a shot if you can make another rhyme…spent most of the episode trying to torch the house by knocking over candles.  If you pause your DVR she has the same vague expression that Toddlers & Tiaras girls must have a day or two before they run away from home and set off an Amber Alert.

The big sister, who is an unusual mix of Teresa and Kirsty Alley, is beginning to figure out that her family is whackadoodle but is too young to actually know what to do with all that knowledge.  She is looking for love and stability from her family, her cousins and Uncle Joe and is destined to have her own People Magazine cover years from now, in that sad “What ever happened to TV’s Blossom?” kind of way.

Melissa did finally change out of her Princess dress, but then immediately squeezed it all back into an inappropriate black number for Teresa’s Christmas Eve Food Fight.  And of course, as she was getting ready, her unattended son was rolling around on the floor trying to escape to a peaceful spot under the bed.  Do any of these parents ever eyeball their children?  They either need to implant GPS on these kids, or put bells around their necks, because there were so many of them crawling all over each other at the parties that even I was losing track of who belonged to who in Who-ville.  Have you ever seen a log jam smashing down a tiny stream?  Or way too many dachshund puppies rolling over each other trying to get out the doggie door?  Just add some tulle and Burberry baby hats, and there you go.

There was also the usual secondary storyline about Cousin Kathy and something that didn’t stick with me.  They are trying to get her some face time and make us care, but she is a little too nice for Bravo.  They recently air lifted her sister into the picture, because I don’t remember ever seeing her, or her…umm…fashion sense around for the first few weeks.  This week she was dressed like a train conductor, I believe.  Other than that nothing really trended on Twitter.

Italian Holidays seem to follow the same criteria as does the opening of a new Walmart.

Build it, and they will come.  Italians were coming out of the woodwork at every house on the block.  There was more food and more gold jewelry than a Street Fair in the North End.  (They are all pretty skinny bitches for all the eating they do, come to think of it.)

Teresa donned what appeared to be one of her youngest daughter’s skirts to show off her legs, all the while busting Melissa for showing off her boobs again.  Teresa’s husband sat around like a Tool on a Home Depot shelf, talking smack about everyone else in the room.  Nothing was really any different except for the Nat King Cole cd playing on the Bose.

Other than that it was business as usual.

Joisey Joy To The World.

Jenny From The Block(ed) 405

Sunday, July 17th, 2011

 

 

 

 

 

 

“Make. This. Be. Over.”

 

 

 

Poor Jennifer Lopez.

I’m pretty certain that JLo was the only person within the entire Hollywood/LA radius who lit a candle Friday night in the hopes that Carmageddon hit full force as predicted by Ashton Kutcher and his twit friends.  Forty eight hours of Independence Day-worthy traffic jams, car on top of car, with panic stricken residents shattering Best Buy windows and snatching the latest Samsung 3D plasmas would be a nice distraction from the public implosion of her marriage this weekend.  Will Smith jumping from hood to hood on the 405 to save the world could certainly have kept a good chunk of entertainment show hosts from analyzing how Marc Anthony had not smiled once in any photo taken with his wife since mid-2008.  A real smile.  Not the crazy eyed kind you give when someone asks to see your new braces.

Well, the 405 Y2K iPhone 5 thing never quite happened this weekend.  Hope you didn’t invest too much of next week’s paycheck in those “I Survived…” t-shirts.  To add insult to injury, the country’s debt ceiling discussions are currently more clogged up than that same LA Highway, so it appears that Jennifer Lopez is taking the Hot Topic hit right between her L’Oreal lashed eyes.  The hens on The View are probably chomping at the bit for Monday’s show.

Looks like JLo’s 2011 Media Overload Tour finally convinced Marc to pull the emergency ripcord and jump out of that plane before it crashed.  Or maybe Jenny From The Chopping Block pushed him out of the plane.  It kind of depends on which magazine you pick up, though both of them had enough reason to pilot that thing straight into the Andes.

It was always that slightly odd marriage.  It immediately caused all those in Hollywood with foreheads still loose enough to actually raise an eyebrow, to do so when it first took place.  The Glamazon and the Quirky Guy love story works really well for Disney On Ice presents Beauty And The Beast, but not so much the Grammys Red Carpet Show.

Unfortunately, in all the years they were together, Marc never managed to salsa dance his way more than one third of the way out from behind her curvaceous shadow.  They always tried to put on a united front, hugging twin babies and all, but it never quite worked out as planned.  There are seemingly unending reasons why.  Like her or not, that girl is gor-ge-ous, has never worn a single item off the sale rack, and has never had a bad hair day.  Her shelves are lined with trophies, statues, gold records and decoupaged magazine covers.  Ok, granted…maybe not an Oscar.  Definitely not an Oscar.  But as I can attest to from some uncomfortable Junior High years, being pretty and knowing how to dance can cover a multitude of sins.  Trust me, it got me through many an awkward Friday night dance in the cafetorium.

Add to that the 24/7 Lopez Blitz which was rebooted with her gazillion million dollar contract for American Idol, and it’s no wonder the JLo tornado took out Marc’s 98 pounds in one high end trailer park sweep.  A Latin American Acela Train with no brakes blowing right past Reconciliation Station.

The rumor mill factories are on triple shift production scheduling right now.  Some say it’s because JLo is about to go topless in a new movie or two, and Marc doesn’t want to start sharing all of that with us.  Umm.  Raise your hands right now if you even remember a time when she was not sharing all that with us?  If you have a photo of JLo in a Target hoodie or Lands End wool turtleneck, hit me up on my Sidekick.  Seriously, Marc?

Then there is the gossip blip that she has already hooked up with her current Music Video Boy du Jour!  “Love on the Beach?”  And the picture of JLo sipping wine!  “Has the Divorce driven her to drink?”  And now she has to come back to Idol!  “Broke Jennifer Lopez needs the money now!”

I know, right?  Something tells me that JLo is not spending her Sunday afternoon sitting on the living room floor cutting coupons out of the NYTimes.

There was also some dirt about Marc somewhere, but I forget where I saw it.  Poor guy.  He doesn’t stand a chance.

Yeah.  Carmageddon would have been a nice distraction for Mr. and Mrs. Lopez.  On top of taking the kids to Costco, they have been feverishly working side by side on a new Latino-ish Idol-ish Voice-ish competition show, as recently over hyped by Giuliana Rancic on every E! commercial bumper.  It was supposed to herald the post-Ricky Martin Latino retaking of America.  Umm.  Before you emboss the business cards you might want to ask Eva Longoria how that’s been working out lately.

Unless Godzilla swims the Pacific and jumps the remaining 405 bridge soon, this thing ain’t going anywhere.

 


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