Dance Moms: The West Coast Abby Returns! When It’s Tap vs. Hip Hop, You Better Pop It, Lock It And Bump-It.Wednesday, July 17th, 2013
Everyone in LA has bangs. Richy said that if he was into it and his standards were a little lower, he’d be all over this.
Lawd. This s*** and that Priscilla Presley hair just got real.
Umm. I didn’t sleep with my boss. We were awake the whole time, thank you. And you’re pretty much a bitch.
This Chipotle App is the bomb. That beef burrito will be ready before we even pull into the bus stop.
Oh. My. Gawd. I’m freakin’ finally on Dance Moms and I’m wearing horizontal stripes. What was I thinking? Dying.
Shut. Up. You really gave Chloe hip hop? That is HIGHlarious. You’re gonna make me pee my pants.
Mama’s coming home soon, Baby.
After being preempted for what seemed like six months by the premiere of the already classic What’s Vivi-Anne Gonna Eat Today? Show and then being postponed for another two more weeks while that cable access Drink While You Dance Chat mess auditioned a few D-List comedians…Dance Moms is back.
Or maybe it was a repeat. I’m not sure.
I remember last season there was an episode that was nothing but Christi getting all up in Melissa‘s face about butt kissing and special treatment and everyone swearing in front of their kids until Maddie cried.
And that totally happened again this week. So I’m not really sure what was going on.
Honestly, with all the recent repetitive story lines and rehashed Mama Drama, the only way I can keep track of what day it is is by referencing my Crazy Jill Hair spreadsheet.
And my Where’s Kristie? board game, of course.
And speaking of. Do I physically have to go down to the Lifetime TV executive offices and slap somebody until they put Asia‘s bad a** Mama in every episode?
Because I will. If this site ever starts making me some money, that is. Have you priced airline tickets lately? Seriously. I don’t want to buy the plane. Just a ticket, ma’am.
Let’s go, people!
Thanks to poor planning on somebody’s part, Ms. Miller had to take a sabbatical from the show in order to jet out to California (…swimming pools, movie stars…) to film the second season of Abby’s Ultimate Dance Competition, which left the inmates running the prison.
But Abby was back now.
With a fresh new LA attitude, a ton o’ fresh new LA hairstyles that she was clearly trying to get a handle on and basically every piece of fresh new Resort 2013 she could strip off the Lane Bryant window mannequins down on West Pico Blvd.
Did you see all her new clothes?
But it was back to bidnez now and that meant that the Two Months Later And Maddie’s Still On Top Pyramid of Shame finally made a reappearance. After one more promotional blitz for AUDC, coming soon to a television near you.
Was it just me, or was Richy Jackson wearing a Burger King crown in that hazy flashback? Because Girlfriend was definitely having it her way. MmmHmm.
I’m fairly certain that Abby just left the last pyramid taped to the mirrors, because nothing looked very different this time around.
Bottom row was reserved for Brooke, Paige, Kendall and Nia. Apparently Brooke had blown off dance rehearsals while Abby was gone and had gotten busted by the ALDC SpyCam or somebody’s thermal heat goggles when she and Mom Kelly snuck off to record another youtube CD.
I don’t know. Somehow Abby knew though.
Second row was Mackenzie, Chloe and the MIA Asia. After I did the math and realized that an MIA Asia meant an MIA Kristie…again…I stopped paying attention to that row.
And natch, top of the pile was Maddie again.
This week the gang was headed to beautiful Syracuse, NY for another In10sity Dance Competition and Abby was ready to shake things up again. Last time, as you will recall, she had sent Maddie and Chloe out on stage to perform the exact same routine to the same music. It was like, OMG. Totally twinsies. Like…totz.
This time they would be hitting the bright lights as complete opposites. Maddie would be doing a tap routine. Chloe would be going gangstah with a hip hop number.
Maddie’s favorite thing in the whole wide world is tap. Chloe is a skinny little white ballerina who doesn’t even take hip hop lessons.
You do the math on that one. It’s even easier than my Kristie addition & subtraction a little earlier, so you probably won’t need a calculator.
MackLoJack also got a solo, but she’s not Asia…so you know…
The group routine was entitled Gone Too Soon about celebrities who were gone too…well, you can probably figure that one out as well.
Every girl would play a character. A dead one. Dead Diva Dancing, basically.
Nia was Whitney. Kendall was Selena. (The Latin one, not Bieber‘s on again/off again suckah girlfriend. She’s still alive. A fool for going out with such a Dbag, but still alive.)
Brooke was Amy Winehouse. Paige was Anna Nicole Smith. Chloe was Marilyn Monroe. And Maddie got to wear a tiara, which was all that really mattered to Abby.
Not to steal any of Honey Boo Boo Child‘s thunder, but if this show had its own People Magazine Whiff & Sniff card this week, the whole thing woulda stank up the barn with favoritism and shame. And bacon.
Up in the MomPerch it was National Gang Up On Melissa Day.
Apparently while Abby was gone, the Moms had all taken some kind of blood oath to band together as a team and not pimp out any of their kids by sending them to Los Angeles. One Team. One Mission.
Yeah. How did that Mom Parking Lot Sit-In of 2013 work out for everybody?
Needless to say, Melissa had crammed Maddie into Abby’s carry-on and shipped her off to the West Coast asap to appear on AUDC while the rest of the girls stayed in Pittsburgh to do whatever it is that kids do in Pittsburgh before they grow up, smarten up and run away from home without ever looking back.
(No hate mail from the Pittsburgh Office of Tourism, please.)
Somehow that move translated into an argument between Christi and Melissa about sleeping with your boss. Or Melissa’s boss, more specifically.
Because that’s what she (…allegedly…) did. Numerous times. Multiple numerous times, if you know whaddimean.
Before she ended up marrying him.
And can we just talk for a second about how Melissa fights? Like your 5 year old niece fights, maybe?
Nuh uh. No way. You lie. Whatever. Not talkin’ about it. Not talkin’ about it. Maybe because you’re a big poopy head liar, that’s why. Whatever. Fine.
And then she grabbed her Bratz doll and her sleeping bag and stormed out of the Perch.
The next day (…I knew it was the next day because Abby and Jill both had new hairdos…) Melissa narced on Christi for being White Trash and then apologized for not remembering that it was 1960’s Dress Up Day at the ALDC.
Holy Bang ‘n Bouffant, Batman.
As Melissa hunkered down in the studio to watch Mackawhacka try and imitate SassyPants Asia’s sassypantsness in her solo, the rest of the Moms looked down and (…white…) trash talked their brains out.
MackPaddiWack was having a rough time of it, and Abby blamed it on her having taken part in recess earlier in the day.
I know, right? The nerve of that kid. Playing with her friends. Getting all that exercise out there in all that unhealthy fresh air.
And that is why dancers should be home schooled, according to Abby, whose wisdom and hairstyles both seemed to be trapped somewhere in the JFK Era this week.
Maddie’s solo rehearsal went a little better. She’s Maddie, after all.
And Christi is Christi, after all, so she was right back to chewing on Melissa’s neck about whatever and whoever as soon as Mom came upstairs.
They weren’t supposed to run solos. But Abby’s running Maddie’s. So you know she won’t run Chloe’s. Blah blah. My kids are not your concern. White Trash. Boss Sleeper Arounder. Then somebody said “Bitch” about 100 times.
And then it was the whole pick up your Bratz doll and sleeping bag attitude again.
Punctuated this time by Melissa’s delightfully adolescent “You wish I would die in a car accident while tweeting about One Direction and putting on mascara.”
Gah. Kids today.
After getting liquored up following rehearsal (…do these kids just drive themselves home now?…) everyone was back for one last day of practice and snarking up in the Perch.
Unfortunately, even after cocktails the Moms were way too sober to deal with Payton‘s Mom Leslie, who swung by with her bodyguard on the way home from Walmart.
Turns out that Payton was helping Chloe with her hip hop routine, because the best person to help a skinny little white ballerina get gangstah is a taller skinny white ballerina, right?
And I have no idea who that other woman was who tagged along with Leslie up to the Perch, pretending she didn’t notice the cameras or the fact that Holly, Jill and Melissa were all color coordinated like a Pointer Sisters Cover Band . Did you see that?
I’m guessing the woman with the glasses won some kind of Facebook contest or something and got to do a walk-on like they did on All My Children a couple years ago.
Look at me, baby. Mommy’s on the television.
Leslie said that she was supporting her daughter helping Chloe and then quickly left before all the ice cream in her car started to melt.
And seriously, how perfect was it that the Lifetime people weren’t paying attention again and added in a Catering Wars pop-up promo at the bottom of the screen right then that said “The Ultimate Food Fight?”
Melissa stormed out again at some point. Cuz that’s kinda her thang lately.
Finally, it was Showtime!
To compensate for MackSplat not having any of Asia’s sassy “this” and “that,” Abby gave her a whirly twirly Grinch movie headpiece that boinged all over the place when she walked. Stiffer than a Slinky, but bouncier than a pipe cleaner. And slightly askew.
If you can’t fake sassy…werk a hat, Bitch. And you can quote me.
Abby also changed Maddie’s Messy Housewife outfit a few times while basically stepping over Chloe before everyone hit the stage.
Mack’s solo went great, and she did that strut off the stage again that I still can’t master when I leave a room. Peace out, haters.
Chloe danced around like every drunk chick I’ve ever met at a frat party trying to booty pop. I’m from Delta Delta. Wanna do shots? I’m so wasted.
Don’t get wrong. I love me some Chloe. But she was set up to fail.
Maddie jumped all over the stage in her pink apron like some bat s*** crazy DC Cupcake Lady all wired up from licking one too many beater bowls. Gimme more sugar! She nailed it, though.
Even when her little pink cartoon apron top fell down, she took a (…bowl…) licking and kept on ticking.
From here on out is was basically the Maddie Show until the credits rolled.
Abby loved Maddie’s solo even though she had an apron malfunction. Christi pointed out that Abby had an emotional melt down when Chloe’s headpiece fell over her eyeballs a few seasons ago, but yet had nothing negative to say about Maddie flashing her baked goods on stage. Really?
Insert random Christi eye roll here: ______________!
After the group routine, Abby stated that she had only watched Maddie. Not her backup dancers.
Even when they took First Place in the group category Abby never looked up from that iPhone with the “Save Those Tears…” sticker long enough to recognize any of the other girls. She thought it was crap that Maddie had only gotten 2nd Place in her solo, and she didn’t want to play anymore.
I guess she was doing her own version of a Sit-In. But she sits all the time, so I couldn’t be certain what was really happening.
Backstage it was more Christi vs. Melissa vs. Tap vs. Hip Hop dramz. I don’t know if it was the same episode or another repeat. Jill had another hairdo, but it was one I’d seen before, so I got all confused.
This week, it was Melissa who uttered the contractually required “That’s it. I’m done. I’m so over it.” before slamming her suitcase and taking the mandatory Walk of Shame past the lockers.
I think they need a new gimmick.
Or maybe just freakin’ bring back Kristie. How’z ’bout dat?
Don’t make me keep saying it.
Abby hugged Maddie, who had started to cry a few Precious Moments tears before being swallowed up by Abby’s ample bosoms like Star Trek‘s Enterprise when it gets sucked into a Klingon Black Hole.
In Dance, no one can hear you scream.
And then it was over.
Let’s just say that those Lifetime execs are darn lucky that I saw Kristie in the previews for next time or it wouldn’t have been pretty.
Put yo’ hands up, cuz next week LA is back in the house!