Posts Tagged ‘Universal Royalty Annette Hill’

Toddlers & Tiaras: Beach Beach Baby Part Two. You Better Pack Your Shades And Smelling Salts For This Trip, Kids.

Sunday, November 13th, 2016

ew

 

 

If they gave away this much shizz when I was working the circuit, I woulda scored big. Dang.

 

 

ah

 

 

 

While that baby’s screwing with her bubbles, hit me with track #2 and I’ll sing y’all a little sumthin.

 

thb

 

 

 

Pardon me, Miss, but am I the only one who recognizes that bouncer dude from The Matrix?

 

sh5

 

 

 

Remember the plan, old lady. You fake a major stroke and I’ll snatch up as many crowns as I can.

 

ah1

 

 

 

Sweetie, Imma need you to pitch down that Whitney a few notes. Mama’s not feeling it, mmmkay?

 

bl

 

 

 

Swear to Gawd if I open this door and she’s laying on the damn floor again, I’m gonna lose it…

 

 

 

‘Merica.

I swear.

rwb

You catch those elections?

Lawd ha’mercy.

lynda-carter-wonder-woman-viralnetics-10

Now I know how Sharilynne felt.

And speaking of.

Toddlers & Tiaras rode right in on the coattails of America’s Choice 2016 this week, making us all hit our head on the ground at least two more times with the conclusion of Universal Royalty‘s cliffhanger Beach Ball Beauty and Swim Suit Cutie Pageant.

Yup.  You heard me, America.  It’s true.

We chose a President AND a new Ultimate Grand Supreme all in the same week.

And we survived.

47kwlAnd we’re all still friends, because I said so.

Sparkle and Unite, baby.

Sparkle and Unite.

Once we get Sharilynne up off the floor, that is.

When we last saw our little heroes, that nice Production Lady with the walkie talkie had just stumbled upon the lifeless body of Mehalye‘s Mom laying behind her hotel room door.

Side note:  She wasn’t dead.  So that was good.

Side note 2:  How cool would it be if the government passed an ordinance requiring that everyone tape head shots to their front door like they do at this Ramada?  Think how festive every neighborhood across the country would look.  Unless you had some really ugly neighbors, I mean.

door

False alarm on the heart attack.  Turns out that Sharilynne had just slipped on a wet spot in the bathroom and not actually had a full stroke.  So that was also good.

sound

Nice Guy Award:  Sound Guy A got points for showing concern for Sharilynne’s wellbeing before proceeding with the next shot.  I’m assuming the ‘A‘ on his Beats by Dre was a nametag, unless he labels his ears ‘A‘ and ‘B‘ so he doesn’t put his earmuffs on backwards.

Or not.  I dunno.  Take what little I know about toddler pageants and divide it by a billion and that’s how much less I even know about television production.

I also have no idea why the bathroom floor was so wet when the housekeeping cart was right outside the room, fully stocked with sponges and towels and a guy just standing there who could have ShamWow‘d the moisture away with just the flick of a wrist.

hk8c8881134-shamwowguy-nbcnews-fp-1200-800He got arrested once, you know.

The ShamWow Guy.  Not the one standing there doing nothing.

article-2421116-1bd6d291000005dc-160_636x382But wait.  What?

What’s going on back there?

hkCloser, please.

the-shining1_zpszqzysnyi

I knew it!o-the-shining-facebookThose Tiara Twins are EVERYWHERE.

I love them!  And their parents.

I wonder if Ron is still holding that goat.

fight1Time Stamp:  We’re still on the first scene.

Clearly, Sharilynne was having some anxiety over her daughter’s hairstyle.

This little number.

hair379973You remember that from last week, right?

And as much as I love me some Top Hat Boyz

thb2…I’d be remiss if I did not correct them on their Krispy Kreme and point out that it’s actually Greek Easter Bread, which was verified by a post on her hairdresser’s Facebook page after the episode aired.

Look.  He’s like 12.img_7473hair1Don’t tell me you missed the part when Mehalye’s coach Nikki Oh Nikki You’re So Fine Nicole couldn’t even touch her hair because it was still hot from the oven?

Almost as hot as Sharilynne when she started to sweat again, I might add.

tumblr_nnscdqv11k1rfvajjo1_500 fantumblr_inline_mw8mavnf5h1s2e3mnPoor thing was having a rough day.

Maybe if she hadn’t been lugging that monster Little Mermaid prop all around the lobby, her radiator cap wouldn’t have popped off.  Just saying.

Eventually, Sharilynne and Mehalye made it up on stage with their tri-fold backdrop, beach stool, oversized sunglasses, treasure chest, bubble machine and some dude wearing Secret Service #NisaShades who could bench 625.

is

Please tell me you saw that guy.  All 370 lbs of him.

How rough does it get at these pageants?

I didn’t choose the Tiara Life.  The Tiara Life chose me, I guess.

And he was carrying a teeny tiny little plastic bubble machine that (…Spoiler Alert!…) didn’t even work like the directions said it would, like he was setting up a freakin’ JLo encore.  I swear.

Until my girl Miss Annette Hill shut the whole thang down, that is.

AwHellNaw.

anhYou’re not squirting bubbles all over my stage before the other girls do their #PrettyFeet.  It ain’t happening.  No, ma’am.  So you just pick up all your little toys and wait till the very end.

And tell your little friend in the sunglasses that he is FINE.

ann

MmmmmmMmmmm.  Mama likes.

I heart Annette so much that it gives me migraines.

After Mehalye & Co. left the stage with their Uhaul, Abby was up next.  She is soooo cute.

ac1

Side note:  Those are Cambrie‘s two Ultimate Supremes poking out right there in case you were wondering.  Check out Abby trying so hard not to look.

Cambrie Littlefield is #Goals.  Did I mention that yet this week?

booob1Naturally, the wrong music began playing for Abby, but she kept right on keeping on like a PRO and got the job done.  I swear, between Dance Moms and Toddlers & Tiaras…c’mon, people.  Doesn’t anyone know how to make a spreadsheet in Outlook?

Abby killed it.  Killed.  It.  Her Mom Christie was so proud that she even threw another fistful of $100 bills out the window of their private jet.  Because she can.

tumblr_inline_n96vunkmhd1sdanxjChristie cracks me up.  I love her, but I don’t understand why she hasn’t reached out to me and begun the adoption process yet.  City living ain’t cheap here, Mom.  Chop Chop.

And then Mehalye was back up on stage again with her tri-fold backdrop, beach stool, oversized sunglasses, treasure chest, bubble machine and dude wearing Secret Service #NisaShades who could bench 625.  Really.  For a second time.

isThat dude was everywhere.

There he is blocking another guy’s view of the whole show.

issAnd there he is taking a call outside.  It’s none of your business.

homebanner7Spoiler Alert:  He even changed his clothes and showed up during Crowning wearing an eye patch.

crowning

He wishes.

t21

After some additional last minute drama when Mom forgot to turn on Mehalye’s Little Mermaid light and the bubble machine refused to work, the show finally got started.

glasses fireSharilynne tried to get the audience worked up into a frenzy by doing an impromptu Wave, but the only person who even clapped along with the music was Halle Berry.

hbSide note:  This woman in the orange literally almost went into labor waiting for Mehalye to get her bubble machine s*** together.  I’m not even pregnant, but the way that guy two seats down is looking at her is making me extremely uncomfortable right now.

pregFYI:  Patootie Kaydence also performed, but I skipped over that part so I could show you these two pictures instead.  She’s so cute I just can’t right now.

rug kLook at her.  You just know her lipstick tastes like jelly beans.  So.  Cute.

Finally, it was time for Crowning!

And let’s be real.  Miss Annette Hill don’t skimp on the goods.  Check it out, yo.

p crown tb

Sashes.  Tiaras.  And freakin’ plastic beach pails full of teddy bears.  No…YOU shut up.

Ummm.  And excuse me?  A MR Universal Royalty sash?

mr

Why isn’t one of those in the mail already, woman?  You know I like to look pretty at the gym.

Jaimie/Adele wasn’t really in the mood this week as she sat next to KayKay’s Mom Autumn.

Not at all.  And she was clearly gonna lose it if Kaydence got one of those titles they give at the beginning that mean you’re out for the rest of the afternoon.

#PageantMath.

She even did Wendy Williams hands to prove her point.

wwj j giphy#NotVeryWellTodayThanks.

Check out how Autumn and that lady behind her both have the same face.

gurltumblr_m072lubij61qa38qko1_500The Short Version:  Kaydence got a Divisional Crown and lots of toys and had fun.

k1 k2Mehalye got a Divisional Crown and kinda sorta had fun even though her Mother was just about to melt down on national television.  Give it a minute.

mTime’s up.

Sharilynne fell apart, racing back upstairs to their hotel room to throw herself on the bed and apologize to Jesus for Mehalye’s hair and to demonstrate how your Dreams are sometimes just out of your reach by trying (…and failing…) to snatch the room service menu reminder off the console.

sh4tumblr_lgu4v6zjd71qfacmco1_1280 sh3tumblr_m8yjdczls81qz6h5zo1_500sh1Trust me.  There was a lot going on in that scene.

You should probably just watch it when you have time.

And then Princess Abby won Ultimate Grand Supreme and the crowd went wild!

acMom lost her noodle.

chCambrie hugged this kid but I don’t want to say anything in case he’s her brother.

Eye’s up, Sparky.

boyAbby was psyched!

abcrownabb

Jaimie and Nikki?  Not so much.

cryBut no time for tears.  It was time for pictures!

Except that nobody told Mehalye, who was already back upstairs getting ready to put on her un-BeDazzled bathing suit and hit the pool.  Luckily, Nikki got the call in just the Nikki of time and sent her back downstairs, where photographic chaos was already ensuing.

denzel

It was panic in the streets.  Kids were either running in sugar-induced circles or falling asleep on the stage while Miss Annette kept screaming “Look at Denzel and Oprah! Look at Denzel and Oprah!” like she was on the TMZ Tour Bus.

denzel-and-oprah

Check out Abby giving #SideEye to that Taylor Swift chick who couldn’t keep her hat on her head.

sideAnd is that baby levitating in thin air or what?

And then it was over.

Except for Sharilynne’s pseudoseizure, I mean.

giphy-2Which she had…30 mins after crowning.

def:  Psychogenic nonepileptic seizures (PNES) or pseudoseizures are paroxysmal episodes that resemble and are often misdiagnosed as epileptic seizures; however, PNES are psychological (i.e., emotional, stress-related) in origin.

In other words…

eyepsLook at those two poor EMTs who had no clue what they were walking into.

emtQ.  Is there a clause in the TLC contract somewhere that specifically states all men must wear sunglasses on their heads if they are to be a part of this show?  Because…you know.

fight

Christie, Hillary and Deb demonstrated Sharilynne’s scary symptoms.

ps1ps2hillary-seizure1dsBut thankfully, the cat scan came back negative and Mehalye’s Mom is back to…normal.allAnd then it was really over.

Psych.

Except for when next week’s episode started a week early.  Because, you know…Toddler 2.0.

And it was all about The Face.

f2tumblr_m5o372sq3g1qdngw4o1_250f1

The Face.

The International Fresh Faces Pageant, to be exact.  The Big Kahuna.

The last competition of the season.  Like Dance Moms Regionals.  Or the Super Bowl.

No Ugly Kids Allowed.

They didn’t say that, exactly.  But it was implied.  And it’s probably on the flyers.

Look at her dog.
jjI have no idea who this lady is.newBut I know Kim and Selyse are back to seek revenge on the Sassy Supremes.3n

And Kim is once again with child, as they say.

But there are so many unanswered questions that will have to wait until next week.

Like why Cambrie held a team meeting in a LensCrafters store.

e2 eyes

And where Jaimie has been hiding that drop dead cute kid Lola all this time?

lola

And why anyone thought it was okay to lock tiny Selyse in the same empty Time Out Room where they used to stick Ryan Lochte every time he acted up on Dancing With The Stars.

toAnd why neither Ryan Lochte nor a 3 year old toddler could figure out the back door was wide open?

tumblr_inline_mkam3wpfvc1qz4rgpAnd then it was really over.  F’realz.

Until next week, that is.

When all our questions will be answered.

Or not.

Either way, I’m out.

Gimme Five.high-five-failAnd gimme Face.

giphy-1sugar-2

Toddlers & Tiaras: You Really Stepped In It This Time. Shovel And Sparkle At The St. Louis Me And My Pet Pageant!

Sunday, October 16th, 2016

jw

 

 

Imma ’bout ready to slap a weight limit on some of these Mamas and put ’em back in the cage.

 

 

maracy

 

 

I accidentally used pixie stix instead of Splenda and now I swear a monkey is eating my face.

 

 

jh

 

 

I deducted 2 points because her hair was bigger than mine. Mama don’t play, little girl.

 

 

51

 

 

 

I just want a drink that doesn’t come in a damn sippy cup. I can’t believe it’s not even 5 o’clock yet.

 

paint

 

 

 

I usually just watch paint dry, but I’m getting a better buzz off all the Aqua Net in the ballroom.

 

hu2

 

 

 

No. I swear. The poop was literally THIS big and there were only Pageant Moms in the room. Not one animal.

 

kly

 

 

 

I’m gonna shut this stupid blog down if he calls my boobs ‘Tiara Twins’ again. I don’t forget nuthin’.

 

 

 

So.

Couple things before we get started.

One.  Yeah…I know.  I messed up last week and didn’t get a recap posted in a timely manner.  Like maybe not at all in a timely manner.  I know.
dance-moms-6x15-recap-melissa-should-be-sorry
My bad.

And I feel bad.  I swear.  And this is me feeling bad last week when I got my first #HateTweet that wasn’t related to Dance Moms.  Look at how crooked my crown was.

toddlers-and-tiaras-crying

And now this one is late, too.

abbey-lee-crying

But I’m still waiting for that first TLC check to show up in the mailbox, which ain’t happened yet…so until the cable company takes snark and sparkles in trade for high speed internet, Imma have to show up at work once in awhile.  Not my first choice.  Or even my second.  But it’s a lot easier to write these recaps…even the late ones…when the electricity doesn’t get shut off at the end of each month.

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Two.  Who the hell is this chick and how’d she get my gig?

gigThree.  For all you up and coming bloggers and journalist types:  See what I just did there?

In the first 299 words, I snuck in two totally unrelated Dance Moms gifs to keep the DM fans happy and distract them from the fact that I’ve been an even bigger slacker on my Lifetime Television duties.  I basically told TLC to hire me without having to go through the hassle of figuring out their website and updating my LinkedIn page.  I probably offended that OMG! Moments lady, who I’m sure is very nice when she’s not stealing other people’s jobs.  And I even made certain that Abby Lee Miller‘s deceased dog (…who was stuffed and mounted after passing from this Earth, BTW…) was clearly visible in the montage so I could transition seamlessly into the latest episode of Toddlers & Tiaras.

The Me and My Pet Pageant.

Because that’s how it’s done.

And that’s how I do, mmkay?

Make that 3 Dance Moms gifs.

Spoiler Alert:  Unfortunately, there were no #NisaHooperSightings this week.

None.  Which was not cool.

So here’s one.  And it’s even pet-related to keep with the theme.

Please watch and enjoy as Nisa Hooper literally steals the crown off a small child’s head and tries to stick it on top of her alien dog with the light-up laser beam eyes because they don’t have pet pageants on whatever planet light-up laser beam eye dogs come from.  No wonder Nisa wears shades.

14680529_10154692001559903_709844173384260988_n

I love Nisa.

And she gives me very little crap considering that I’ll go to my grave swearing my internet girlfriend Cambrie Littlefield is #Goals.  Because she is.  The #Goals part, I mean.

The internet girlfriend part is a work in progress.

Oh hey, Gurrrrl.

c1

Look at how long Production made her sit in that gazebo chair.  It’s dark outside now.

cnightSoooo anyway.

I guess we could get started now.

To celebrate their Top Spot win at last week’s pageant, the full Cambrie’s Court contingent headed to the local Water Park for some fun in the sun and free advertising on danthatscool.com.

Check’s in the mail, I’m sure.

cowbThe entire park was shut down so Miss Cambrie and her little kids and her even littler bathing suit top could all slide down the chute and have some old fashioned splash time before heading back to the studio to focus on this week’s competition.

Look at all that right there.
sb1#Goals.  Whether you’re going to the Water Park or Coachella with the Kardashians, I guess.

Just #Goals.

And look at how excited my Boo Jayliana was to find out there was no line for the slide.

sbSpring Break, baby.

They didn’t show it on TV, but there was one part where Cambrie forgot one of the kids at the Water Slide and had to run back to get her all like this…

cj_run

Bonus:  Here’s Mama June going down the Mac ‘N Cheese Slide.  Because she can.

mjslidemaccheeseAt this week’s Me and My Pet Pageant, the biggest competition for Cambrie and her pack of princesses was going to come from some familiar faces to all you long term T&T-ers.

Dat’s rite.  They’re baaaaack!

Alycesaundra and Giavanna.  The Tiara Twins.

sun2

 And Mom Kelly Lyerly.

kl1And Dad Ron, who we last saw dressed up as one of the Village People for some reason.

rYou remember them all from Original Recipe Toddler 1.0…right?

Mom was put on Earth to groom children for pageantry and to call Dad a moron 24/7.  The girls were put on Earth to be ridiculously cute and f*** up my Macbook spellcheck so bad that that hard drive fan turns itself on every time I type their names.

Back in the day, Lyerly & Co. all had gigantic personalities and gigantic bodyguards and a gigantic farm and a gigantic bus with the kids’ gigantic faces shrink-wrapped all over it like they were running for public office.  Remember how they would pull that monster rig right up to the Ramada curb like it was Madison Square Garden and pour out with 47 suitcases, a bunch of goats and one turkey?

toddlers-tiaras-lamb-chops-and-doggies-and-sn-l-ulyvp7Because pet pageants were kinda their thing back then.  They won the last two.

And they were gunning for win #3 this week.

Side note:  Three years ago, Mom ‘fessed up to spending upwards of $500,000 on all this goodness.  I don’t know what kinda magic cows they’re milking down at that farm but sign me up.little_rascals_moneytossFor this year’s pet pageant, they decided to head to one of those places where you can bid on live goats instead of taking your chances on eBay.  I forget which girl wanted to bring a goat on stage, but given their history with turkey and peacock props, moving forward without poultry seemed like a good idea.

Look.  This one is already wearing a Pashmina, which should make Kelly happy.  Cuz she’s fancy.

goatNumber 9422 and Number 9456 seem nice.  I like them.g3Number 9422 seems to like Number 9456, too.

g2Don’t look, honey.  ag2

As traumatizing as that was, there was also a scene where they made one of the girls hold up a piece of paper showing the dollar amount that they were spending on her pageant gown, which I thought was rather odd considering that this was a live goat auction.  But in all honesty I’ve never been to a glitz pageant or a live goat auction or a glitz pageant with live goats in attendance, so maybe that’s just how they roll.  Regardless, at the end of the day Lyerly & Co. owned a new baby goat.2318Time to restock the shelves.

g2To cleanse the palate and get the sting out of our eyes…sun

…we headed back to Vegas to meet 10 year old Kailia and her rather alert Mom Marcy.
hu

Mom got a little animated when describing how little Kailia turns from a sleeping puppy into a crazy little monkey.  Just a little animated.  Like seizure animated.m3monkeyclmclm2

Let’s be honest.  Only one of these monkeys is actually crazy and it ain’t the one in the ruffles.gif-monkey-smile-940834Marcy was so whacky that I immediately had to put her on my holiday card list.  Some people online felt that Kailia’s Mom was slightly bug-eyed, but it’s all relative, right?tb

Tonya Bailey.  Queen.  Don’t even argue with me on this one.

I didn’t quite catch where she met them, but at some point on her cross-country Crazy Monkey Tour a few years ago Marcy had discovered this couple who did nothing but yank on kids like this… giphy-3

…and this…

giphy-2…and even this…

stretchstretch2Those are Kailia’s feet, BTW.  Up where her arms are supposed to be.

Thankfully, Cambrie showed up at the front door before I got a visual charlie horse.41-frozen-katie-lopez-facciamo-un-pupazzo-insiemecdoor

Except she got locked out of the house and was all like…

c7699d00b4ed4e13075bcfc16642b022cdoor2“Bitch, I know you’re in there.”

Take aways from this scene:  Cambrie has a friend who has a monkey, because of course she does.

Unfortunately, the monkey’s agent had double booked him for the upcoming weekend and now Kailia was going to have to use a dog dressed up like a monkey to do God Knows What at the pageant in two days.

We should probably also point out that Cambrie’s hairdresser friend Mykel Baca gets double booked a lot.  And that we’ve never actually seen Mykel and a monkey in the same room at the same time, so…

Just pointing out the facts, ma’am.

Next up:  The Battle of the Blonde Chicks.

Meet 7 year old Callyn and her Mom Amber.

Callyn sat on a boulder that was wearing a crown and Mom took two sips of a cocktail and lost her shoes.

crown shoes2You can’t even make this stuff up anymore.

We looooove them.  Callyn had a ‘secret pet’ for this week’s festivities that was gonna rock our world, but she wouldn’t let us in on the poop scoop just yet.

You’re just gonna have to hold your (…Spoiler Alert…) striped horses for a few.

FYI, Amber has a sister Alysha whose 7 year old daughter Emily also does pageants.emilyash

Do the math:  Sibling Rivalry.  Especially since Emily wins more than Callyn does.

Side note:  You just know that lamp’s not plugged in.

And who leaves a 7 year old all alone on a bachelorette party bus?

e2

No wonder she’s so excited.  That is way better than any stupid monkey.  #TotesJealz.

Finally, it was Showtime!

And Pageant Director Jill Worley puts on a show, yo.

Look at all that sweet loot.  Those are some pretty awesome blinged-out crowns, even though the elephant kinda looks like a vacuum cleaner.  We love Jill.stashAnd where else can you find spray tanned legs, a bronze monkey butt and a pig in a stroller all in one place?  It’s like THE best Pier 1 Imports evah.  Jill don’t skimp on the decor.pig Look at how terrified that dog is, tho.dogEven the judges’ table got pimped out with snacks.

Look at how much fun that judge with the giant hair at the very end is having.  And look at how thirsty the middle judge is…that is one Mega Ultimate Supreme Big Gulp.  And how about poor judge #3 pretending she doesn’t hear the other two talking about her while she plots revenge?

jtableI swear the judge with the giant hair looks so familiar.

Side note:  Since this is another 2-part episode this week, we’re gonna have to skip over some of the hilarity and save it for next time to speed things up a bit.  Things like Ron Lyerly’s glitter #DadJeans, maybe.  The ones with his kids’ faces appliquéd on the butt that perfectly coordinated with his pink J.Crew shirt.  And his gelled hair.  Because I just can’t right now.ron90dab38819536415230e6158570ab616Lyerly = Life.  Because that’s what they’re giving me right now.

Side note:  Kelly said that their pig is named Kim K.

pig2 So there’s that.

Naturally, it wouldn’t be a pet pageant without major drama.

Cambrie’s Plan B didn’t work out very well.  The Dog Monkey never showed up so she had to call a friend at the zoo to get something else put on a flatbed and shipped over asap.  Because Cambrie has a local zoo in her speed dial.  Because she’s Cambrie.  #Goals.

Emily was first up in Beauty.

And then the judge’s critique.

Ladies and Gentlemen.  I give you Jessica McClamroch.

689df2564a90bab01983f5c4d6c9f7bfI knew she looked familiar!

j3She is one of my all-time favorite Moms EVER from Toddler 1.0…’member her?

jessShe’s the one with the big a** hair who didn’t want America to think it was all nasty up in here when a fly started buzzing around her house during taping.

j5Hashtag:  LoveHer.

And her hair and her judging game were on point this week, lemme tell you.j6 tumblr_njufggv7ly1rarhivo4_500j159f8206c2920826b29caf79e486ab447 j4 tumblr_njufggv7ly1rarhivo5_500jThe rest of the Beauty portion kinda flew by after Jessica’s appearance.

And let’s be honest, since they legally couldn’t give a prize to Mrs. McClamroch, it’s probably gonna go to Giavanna for that yellow Miss America gown.  You see dat thang?  Dang.14568072_1215074351847700_4265855368280907370_nI mean.  C’mon.

Even Cambrie was all like…tumblr_lq035of2qt1qbnfoaMiss Cambrie knows pageant beauty when she sees it.

And then the s*** hit the fan.  And the floor.  Literally.

Callyn unveiled her secret pet and Mom Deb was not liking it one bit.

tumblr_lk9wlnsslj1qi4ns0o1_500A zebra?  Really?  In a hotel?

debThe email clearly stated that there was a 40 pound limit and the animal needed to be caged until taking the stage and could not be shipped in a wood crate across the ocean from Madagascar even if it did know how to do the Running Man.85042-zebra-dancing-gif-imgur-bvf2

And excuse me.

If they knew you could break the rules, then Deb and Jayliana would have just brought their damn horse Bourbon, who is apparently so awesome that Boo had to say his name 3 times with attitude.
bouron
giphyb2

Not really sure what that was all about unless she was just mimicking Mom.

40-1I think I’m starting to love these people a little too much.

And then the rest of the episode just collapsed into pigs and goats and poop and poop and goats and pigs and people stepping on it and over it and nobody wanting to pick any of it up even when Jessica’s 3 year old flies started circling around it like an All You Can Eat Buffet.

jessYou got that right, girlfriend.

Oh.  And they also showed the hotel manager upstairs real quick.

ler4stm

And then it was over.

To be continued…

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Toddlers & Tiaras: Git It Gurrrrl! That’s Right…It’s Time To Sparkle And Spray Again, Baby. They’re Baaaaaaack!

Thursday, August 25th, 2016

tb2

 

 

I swear.  Some of these Mamas get me so stressed out I could almost blink.

 

 

bowww

 

 

I know you’re not gonna ask me to put on some cheer bow from Claire’s when my hair is on point.

 

 

bow2

 

 

If she don’t want it, I’ll take it. Bows are kinda my thing…

 

 

tracks

 

 

Somebody better start blending, cuz I’m not leaving the house with my tracks showing.

 

tdd3

 

 

 

Telling you right now I’m not missing Leg Day cuz some crazy Mama can’t read a damn clock.

 

 

mouth

 

 

Look! I literally filled my own cavity with a big bag of sequins from Michaels. This s*** just got real.

 

 

 

Buckle up that car seat, kids.

Make sure the lid on your sippy cup is secure, too.

And you might wanna even take out that flipper so you don’t choke on it.

Because…yes.

tumblr_n5hcm3Cd9y1qlvwnco1_500Yaaas.

tumblr_o52nnutCWg1rlafseo1_400Yaaaas.

dsghfdsgfhAnd just…yes.

eInav

Toddlers & Tiaras is back.

And it’s back with a vengeance.

The dry spell is over.  After disappearing from television screens for a long 3 years, all the glitz, glam and go-go juice is back in our face.  But with an upgrade.

It’s Toddlers 2.0.

Or what we like to call the Dance Mom-ization of the Free World.

ezgif.com-cropMore Noise.  More Mama Drama.

More crazy Moms (…Spoiler Alert…) sprawled out all over the furniture being crazy.  Then some more noise.  And then some more Mama Drama.

And, if time allows between commercials, maybe even some tiny kids trying to balance ginormous sparkle crowns on their heads.

Side note:  Srly?  Three years later and we still haven’t found a way to make headgear that…I dunno…actually fits a head?  How many unaired scenes involving the Jaws of Life do you think we’ve missed over the years?

Look at this poor kid.  A headband, a hair bow, a ponytail, two hands and the thing still won’t stay on her head.  What the h***?  She’s like 17 pounds soaking wet.

crwThere’s starving Vegas Showgirls out there who could use those crystals.

I love this show, BTW.

And now it’s back.  And just in time.

After months of getting in and out of my bathing suit after all those summer BBQs…

pricklylegs.tumblr1…nobody was happier to see this show return than me.

Except for maybe Cambrie Littlefield.

Because she’s reeeeaaaallly into pageants.  Like…really.

c

You remember Cambrie.  We heart her.

She’s the pageant coach owner of Cambrie’s Court School for Gifted Pageant Girls in Las Vegas, which I swear used to be called Cambrie’s Cuties before the 2.0 Upgrade.

Even Cambrie herself got an upgrade.  Dang, gurl.

Last time we saw Cam I think she was in some country bar or something doing pretty feet in thigh high boots.  If we’re being honest, my DVR taped over all the old T & T episodes with new General Hospitals, so I can’t go back and research my facts.

But I don’t think I’m making that part up.  Or I could be.

But we love her no matter what.  She’s sassy.

Look at her kicking it like some Real Housewife of Nevada in a Reunion Show dress that’s cut almost all the way up to the Vegas Strip.

cll

giphy-1A self-proclaimed Pageant Goddess since the age of 2 who can’t keep a Second Place trophy OR a Man, Cambrie is #Goals.

Moving on down the road a bit to Phoenix, we next met pageant coach, Jaimie.

jj2

She’s sassy, too.

Except I hope she’s trademarked her sass.

Or at least the Sassy Supremes logo on her biz cards.

For some reason they filmed all her confessionals in what looked like some kind of set for a high school production of Grease.  Not sure what that was all about since Cambrie was shot in about 14 different locations with 14 different cocktails.

Please tell me I’m not the only one who noticed that.

Here’s Cambrie staying hydrated in a Crate & Barrel showroom.

clI love her even more now.

Freshen my drink, Jeeves, or I’ll see you in Cambrie’s Court.

As part of the 2.0 Upgrade, there’s more of a focus on rival pageant coaches, which was demonstrated through one of those CNN Election Center split screens.

ss107Oh, yeah.  It’s on.

The first little nugget we met was 4 year old Kallyn and her Mom Megan, who was spread out like it was her day job on one of those giant couches that looked like it should come with a built-in cup holder.

Look at her.

megAnd then look at her again.

legsIs she wearing one of those bow ties that squirt water?

Needless to say, I immediately fell in love with her.

tumblr_m7wjveEFz71r4ghkoo1_400Disclaimer for those of you who’ve never had the pleasure of this blog:  Relax.

It’s all in fun.  I love every single Kid and Mom that’s ever been on this show.  Nothing is ever done to be mean.  It’s called Reality TV for a reason.

Just ask Paisley‘s Mom.  Who I probably traumatized more than any other Mom.

tumblr_m7iv3nTkHA1rsqezg

Q. What ever happened to them, anyway?

They were supposed to meet me at P.F. Chang’s like 4 years ago.

They probably gave away our table by now.

Anyway.

Kallyn had on the best ‘Hot Mess’ shirt evah, accessorized with these giant gold pearls that were big enough to keep her afloat should she ever fall overboard.

Look at my dab.

dab

81eb2548668087cd277add7939ac469eUnfortunately, they couldn’t protect her from the hazards of that whatchamacallit playground thing that spins you around until you puke.

Because Puke Happened.

Luckily, it happened before Jaimie showed up with about 20 feet of garden hose looking like she was there to clean the pool.  Look at her.

poolTurns out it was a mobile spray tan machine.  My bad.

Because it wouldn’t be Toddlers & Tiaras without somebody getting a couple coats of Krylon in the kitchen, right?

Side note:  Anyone else notice that as soon as Mom jumped off the couch to greet Jaimie, some man took over her spot like one of those Grammy Award seat fillers?  I’m gonna assume that it was Kallyn’s Dad in the pink shirt, because Real Pageant Men Wear Pink.

Side note #2:  One of my all-time favorite parts of this show has always been the random assortment of nameless children and pets that appear and disappear at whim in the background as the plot thickens.  Check out this shot where there’s so much going on that I had to pause the Xfinity box to take it all in.

scene

You got a dog thinking there’s Milk-Bones in the pool pack, about to get konked in the head.  You got Kallyn’s Jazzercise headband and Joan Collins necklace.  You got Jaimie losing her grip on the oxygen hose about to konk the previously mentioned dog in the head.  And there’s even some other kid way back there in the West Wing holding up a baby like they’re performing the opening song from The Lion King.  What is that even all about?

And how does that even happen in Real Life?

Side note #3:  Jaimie charges $55 an hour to carry around all crap.

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I’m in the wrong biz.

Either before or after getting her extensions clipped in for a test-drive (…I forget…) Kallyn got her tongue spray tanned and then Mom rattled off all the recent pageant goodness that totaled up to approximately $2,500 in America dollars.

tumblr_inline_n96vunKMhd1sdanxjI’m seriously in the wrong biz.

The second contestant we met was 3 year old Selyse and her Mom Kim.

Here she is from an upcoming episode of TLC‘s new show Pageant Baby Hoarders:

waldoCan you even find her?  She’s so cute you really need to make the effort.

It’s like the best Where’s Waldo? ever.

Selyse was Kim’s Surprise Birth Control Baby, which I’m assuming meant that she either came as a Gift With Purchase down at Walgreen’s or the pills didn’t do what the doctor said they would do when he wrote the prescription.  Ouch.

Mom didn’t spend much time clarifying the talking points.

Most likely because she had a tooth ache.  Because she had a hole in her tooth.

Because she spent all her money on a tiny pageant dress that cost more than her wedding gown and now she was just going to have to wait until she blacked out from oral nerve damage since she couldn’t afford any Anbesol to take the edge off.

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Regardless, Selyse was born and she’s so cute you really need to try and find her again.

Oh, wait.  There she is.

w2I believe there were a total of 3 children running around the house, but it was hard to tell.

The one who I assume was the brother even dropped what I initially believed to be an ironing board on Selyse’s head, but it turned out to just be a bunch of PVC pipes shaped like an ironing board that were laying around the house.

Because, of course.

The third and final pageant hopeful this week was 4 year old Lilly and her Mom Amber.  And Grandma, who fell in the backyard mud bog/creek before we even learned her name.

Mom was In.  It.  To.  Win.  It.

To the point where she had already spent upwards of $45,00 in American dollars on pageant gear and dry-cleaning for Nana.  Really.  She said that.

Or most of that, anyway.

tumblr_inline_n96vunKMhd1sdanxjAnd then Cambrie showed up wearing some kind of a cross between a Gladiator Vixen and a Forever 21 mannequin and that tie dye fabric they always use instead of dressing room doors in that store where everything is made out of hemp.

gl

Am I wrong?  I don’t think so.

Sometimes I swear Cam wears the same size as her clients.  But it’s ok.

Because she’s #Goals.

And she charges $175 for one class.

tumblr_inline_n96vunKMhd1sdanxjCambrie was quick to point out that Jaimie only charges $50+.

But you won’t learn anything.

omggif_zps1bcdb557To burn off some of that snark, we next headed to Cambrie’s Bootcamp Class where everyone was dressed like the Dance Moms Minis.

minisExcept for Jayliana, who refused to wear a stupid gold lamé bow because her hair was looking so fresh.

bowwwShe totally got all like that lady from Bring It!

tumblr_nu0cuxxFiG1tb8iyko1_500Until her Mom scooted her out screaming “I’m Done!” like it really WAS Dance Moms.

tumblr_o0i686Dra91tb8iyko1_500Side note:  Before leaving, Mom made Jayliana recite the 3 things you need in Pageantry:

Smartness.  Beautiful.  And Talent.

Which were so awesomely grammatically nonsensical that if TLC doesn’t give JayBae her own show next year I’m creating a page on Kickstarter.

Somewhere around here was also when Jaimie sent all her little girls to the mall to loiter and perform for random strangers, which sounds way worse than it actually was.

She wanted them to get over their stage fright by physically blocking everyone trying to get into Subway.  And it worked.

Until Selyse didn’t know her routine and got called out in front of everyone, which made Mom lose her nutty right there in front of Radio Shack.

Look at her blocking that total stranger from entering the store.

mall

 Is that even legal?  No wonder they’re going out of business.

With only a day or so to go before the pageant, there was just enough time for Cambrie to invite her BFF Dallas Lovato to come down and show these little peanuts how to be a STAR.  Because that’s what she does.

A few highlights from the visit:

Cambrie made Dallas wear a bow, too.  I don’t care who you are.

dl

Dallas wore a stupid bow, came all the way down from wherever to help out and this was the best scroll the production company could come up with.  Look at her face.

dl2Lilly gave an Emmy worthy performance as a Happy Monkey.

hmAnd then her Mom had a Moment.

oprah-cryingJust.  So.  Proud.

Finally, it was Showtime!

And time for my Boo Tonya Bailey to get this whole jungle-themed Bailey’s Pageant extravaganza started.  The Bailey Bunch is in da house!

You remember Tonya.  She did this once for some reason…

tumblr_lxwljjsatX1qb9pa3o1_500-1And even wore a Swarovski encrusted pirate eye patch one time that was way cooler than the one Bob Costas wore when he got Pink Eye during the Olympics.

costas-eye-patch

With the new 2.0 Upgrade, we got a zillion snippets of performances before the show even started (…which was kind of a Brain F*** to be honest…) but it gave Tonya time to lay down some of the rules and regs and to tell these new Pageant Moms to chillax.

tbFrom the Book of Tonya:

“You paid for someone else’s opinion.”

tb2

“If you don’t have the funds, you might wanna find another hobby.”

tb3

“I’m not going bug eyed, am I?”

tb4No, of course not.

clockwork-orangeWell…maybe just a little.

And Todd was back as emcee!!

Dat’s rite, ladies.  Dolla Dolla Bill, yo.

Tonya’s Boy Toy was back and more jacked up than ever, complete with an inflatable monkey tail that was a little distracting given that there were so many kids in the room.

toddI love Todd, too, in that awkward bromance kind of way.  And…yes…technically I suppose he’s probably more of a husband than a Boy Toy, but this recap is already running way too long for me to keep rehashing the whole Season 6 frosted tips situation…

But that was then.  This is now.

Now Todd’s rocking that buzz cut fade on the side with long hair on the top thing that everyone from Jersey keeps posting on their Instagrams.  You go, boyeeeeee.

Less Boy Band, more guy handing out free Quest Bars at GNC.

Todd 2.0.

Needless to say, it wouldn’t be an episode of T & T if there wasn’t some hotel room pregame panic.  And this time it belonged to Selyse, who was dragging a** until Mom pumped some hi-grade Mega Ultimate Supreme Red Bull into her tank.

And it worked.

One Sip.  Ding.

rbTwo Sips.  Ding Ding.

rb2Three Sips.  Ding Ding Ding.

tb4Look at her in her Snuggie.

rb3

Selyse is literally every girl who ever got dumped in college right after getting her hair did.

Unfortunately, the Red Bull didn’t speed up the car enough, because Selyse missed the entire Beauty portion of the pageant.  Like…didn’t even make it up on stage.

Which made Mom do this…

oh2And then this…

ohAnd then it was over.

Really.

That fast.  Over.

Before we even saw anybody do anything on stage.  What?

Nobody said this was gonna be a 2 parter.

I guess that means we gotta do it again next week to see what happens.

Which is fine by me.

Toddlers is back.

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