Posts Tagged ‘Vivi-Anne’

Dance Moms: The ALDC’s About To Have A Major BoomKack Panic Attack. Chloe’s Back…And She Brought Mom!

Thursday, August 17th, 2017

 

 

When I heard that Beyoncé’s girl was coming, you know Mama had to go put on her big hair.

 

 

 

 

Did I remember to unfollow that idiot blogger on Twitter? That boy is nothing but a damn fool.

 

 

 

 

 

#GoogleItYo

 

 

 

 

 

 

I know I won’t have no regrets when I snatch those braids off her head and rock the TCAs.

 

 

 

 

You know I can see you all up in my business looking at my hair, little girl. Don’t even think it.

 

 

 

 

After I Google that Dance Lady, I need to figure out what the hell ‘OG’ even means. Seriously.

 

 

 

 

 

#Done.

 

 

 

 

It’s happening.

It’s really happening.

They’re baaaaack.

And for real this time.  I swear.

Spoiler Alert:  Not like this swearing.

Or even this swearing.

But more like #PinkySwear swearing.

Because they’re really back!

Yup.  It was the long awaited return of Chloebird and my #CyberSpiritAnimal this week!  F’realz.

After endlessly looped promos and pop-ups spliced into and onto that new So Sharp show you should totally be watching, Chloe Lukasiak, Mom Christi and the no-longer-a-baby Baby Clara finally made it back home to where they belong: Dance Moms.

Even though they kinda sorta made it back at the end of the first half of whatever number season this is now.  But that was really only long enough for Holly to lose her noodle and Abby to begin a vegan BoyToy diet that I don’t think is even legal in all 50 states.

She made them dress up like farm animals, E I E I Yo.

(And did Kalani really pick up a First Place trophy wearing a pig costume?)

Programming Note:  We’re not even remotely going in the correct episode order if you’re trying to find these bloops on your DVR.  Don’t waste your time.  I’m just trying to get you caught up.

So Chloe and Christi came back at the end of whatever.  But that one didn’t really count, even though it did get a number of tweens pretty wound up and also scored Chloe her own 10 minute weekly TV show where she gets to eat cookies off her face like that dreamy guy from One Direction.#TrueFact: This is how I fell asleep most nights when I was in college.  Don’t judge.

Because right now it’s time for the Big Return.

And a road trip to the UK for Abby Lee Miller

…who was off celebrating her last few weeks of freedom sightseeing with Steve Sanders from Beverly Hills 90210 before returning to face a judge for misplacing all that Aussie Meet & Greet moolah.

Spoiler Alert:  I think we all know how that one ends up.

Hashtag:  Carbo loading before the Big Game.

So now it was back to the ALDC LA for the rest of the gang as they waited for this week’s fill-in choreographer, who Ashlee had called in as a ringer.

Because Ashlee Allen has Beyoncé‘s choreographer’s cell phone on speed dial and you don’t.

Side note:  I bet Ashlee has plenty of extra room on her SIM card for other celebrities now that she unfollowed me on Twitter, right?  Here’s an actual BTS shot of her unfollowing me right in front of everybody else.  Tossing me aside like a pair of last season’s blue jeans that still kinda fit.

Look at how nosey that Kate Gosselin Mom is, tho.

And then this happened.

BoomKack!

SnackAttack!

Laurieann Gibson arrived.

Yes, she is.

And famous.  And she has worked with a ton of famous people.

Who she named.  A number of times.

And if you don’t know who Laurieann is…then Lawd Geezis, you better just Google it asap.

Because she said so.

So I did.  And these two pictures came up.Laurieann Gibson has never been seen in public without a coffee cup.

And it’s true because it’s on the internet and I Googled it.

We love Laurieann.

I mean mad LUV.  Spelled wrong and all in caps.

She’s one of those choreographers who screams and yells and gets all like BoomKack CrackerJack when she’s counting out the beats in the music.  And you better listen or else.

Because she’s a better dancer than you and has way better CGI-animated hair than that lady in the new Inhumans show coming out this fall.

Laurieann has worked with Lady Gaga (…who they showed in a photo…) and Beyoncé, who they did not show in a photo because my Producer boy was so busy photobombing the Moms’ Teens Choice Awards Instagram videos that he forgot to get clearance from Jay Z.

Side note:  I love when they call my boy “Producer” in the subtitles to make it look like Martin Scorsese is responsible for last week’s social edition episode.

Yeah. I kind of am.

Laurieann’s goal was to bring out the best in the girls and break the robotic spell that Abby had placed on them over the years.

Q.  Anyone feel like Abby holds you back?

Side note:  #HollyFace and #HollyHair was on point for the full hour.  It just was.

This week the gang was headed to Fierce National Dance Competition because that’s where they go every other week.  The group routine was entitled “Judgement Day” and would involve the Big Girls walking two Minis on leashes, because why not.

Solos went to Nia, Camryn and that little girl Maesi, who has the best D’oh smile evah.

Her Mom does this to her hair on purpose, BTW.

I don’t know how.  Or why.  But she does.

Nia and Kendall both had breakthroughs getting past some of Abby’s wear and tear…

…and then–

Wait.  What?

AwHellNah.  I don’t think so.

#MomCrush.

Look at Jill trying not to smack that thing right off her stupid head.

I think I need some fresh air after that.

Christi…crack the window, willya?

Yaaaaaas!  They’re really back!

And headed into enemy territory across town at the Murrieta Dance Project.
Which I found to be a little concerning.

Not that I don’t love me some Erin Babbs.  Because I do.

She’s awesome sauce.  And she runs a tight ship over there at the MDP.  Squeaky tight.

They require sewn-in elastic on ballet and pointe shoes (…no wire hangers or tied together footies…) and only give you 5 minutes to fix your hair before rehearsal if you show up a hot a** mess after school.

They also apparently require your Dad to build you a time machine because their current website lists 2015’s holiday hours and a big full page blurb announcing Revue tickets that are going on sale 3 months ago if you click a non-existent link.

Yes.  And I own it.

So aside from the fact the MDP website dress code repeatedly stated boy’s knees needed to be visible so many times that I felt momentarily violated, I was also questioning why Christi’s new car was equipped with one of those fish eye spy cams and if she knew it and why she wasn’t wearing a seat belt.

But then I saw the restraining device under all her new hair.  And speaking of…

PLEEEEZ tell me you saw Christi’s social media post the day she was getting her hair did for the Teen Choice Awards.  Look at that dude trying to find a clean spot to eat his lunch on that Table o’ Tracks.

It takes a village.

The only other time I’ve ever seen that much TumbleWeave in one place was two years ago on Black Friday in a Best Buy parking lot.  Cuz I know you didn’t just take that last widescreen plasma and then text my man while I was in line getting a George Foreman and an Amazon Echo Dot.

Alexa.  F*** that bitch up right now.

Q.  Why are all those cars going in so many different directions?  Is she even on the road right now?

And how hilarious is it that she took the long way to MDP just so they could drive by the prison where Abby is going to be staying?  I mean, C’mon.  Set your GPS…I feel some Sunday road trips coming on.

And they don’t allow cameras, so it’s ok to flip the bird out the window, kids.

But I digress.

Erin is awesome and she put Chloe through a rusty private rehearsal and a group routine that got Chloebird a little weepy, but apparently all dance studios have that secret room where all the kids run off to and cry when they wobble out of their turns and feel like New Kids on the Block. I hate seeing kids cry.

Meanwhile, back at the ALDC LA, which is what I think it’s still called until somebody (…Spoiler Alert…) comes and rips all the logos off the brick walls, the three girls were rehearsing their solos.

Nia:  No Regrets.  Maesi:  Black Sheep.  Camryn:  Weight of the World.

All three girls are good and all, but we need to take a minute and remember Nia’s journey.

Do it.  Because she and her Mom are da bomb diggity.  Somebody raised her right.

#FamilyGoals.

BoomKack PaddyWhack Hello Kitty Tic Tac.

And then the four oldest dancers all went for hot chocolate on a 94 degree LA day, which was pretty insignificant in the grand scheme of things except for the fact that Brynn is literally every white girl on planet Earth when it’s Starbucks Pumpkin Spice Latte time.

Look at her go.

I would totally DM her Mom and tell her how totes adorbz her kid is, but…you know.  Twitter.

Oh.  And there was also a flashback to when Chloe and Christi left 3 years ago and Chloe was crying and Christi was calling Abby a fat 45 year old which, if you do the math and plus it back up, doesn’t even come close to the age that I bet was on the clipboard when the prison matron took all of Abby’s jewelry and Tupperware.  #DanceMath.

And then with one day to go before competition, this happened.

Same.

Finally, it was Showtime!

#CyberSpiritAnimal Christi showed up wearing the same red coat that Jackie O wore in the Lifetime movie that’s on Netflix this month.  I’m ok with her lifting some presidential couture from the prop room when the guard goes on break.  She looked hot.

#MomCrush Jill showed up wearing those blush pink aviator sunnies that are all the rage at Hot Topic right now.  Cuz she trendy and stuff and Ryleigh won’t even notice they’re missing until the episodes airs and by then it’s too late anyway.  I love Jill so hard.

#UpdateYourWebsite MDP showed up still holding the Vistaprint vinyl banner they’re planning on marching with in last year’s Macy’s parade.  Erin should wear her hair down more often.

#CuzImBeyoncésChoreographer Laurieann showed up praying to Jesus that her styrofoam cup is always full o’ Joe and to give her the strength to not snatch that iPhone out of that little girl’s hand because ain’t nobody shooting her from the backside in this lighting.

BoomKack PepperJack.

#ProveThemWrong Chloe showed up with her new MDP friends but was having some serious ALDC separation anxiety.  It gets better, Peanut.  Just hold on a little longer.

And then I don’t even know what happened.

If you’re a skimmer, the whole scene can be summed up in this one photo:

Jill started screaming at Christi.  Christi started screaming at Jill.  Rinse & Repeat and then air dry.

Kendall never texted Chloe in 3 years.  Oh yes she did.  Oh no she din’t.

Who’s a studio hopper now, Christi?  Who’s a bitch now, Jill?  You’re an OG.  I’m an OG.  You’re not an OG.  You can’t leave and come back and studio hop and still be an OG.  You were never an OG.  Pull up Season One on your damn DVD.  Who dat lady?  Who dat lady?  I’m an OG.  No she’s not.

Same, Kira.  Same.

When it was all over, everyone went to opposing corners to let the dust settle and I realized that I forgot to stick this picture into the recap.  Look at how cute this kid is.

Minis ain’t feeling any of this BS right now.

And what ever happened to that front door picnic bench that Jill bought Abby way back when she was or wasn’t an OG?  Did we ever locate it?

The whereabouts of that bench and the stuffed dog is why I have trust issues.

And then it was over.

Apparently it’s a two-parter.  Who knew?

This week wore me out, folks.  I’m exhausted.

Somebody call me an Uber.

Dance Moms Mama Drama: Oh No She Din’t! Abby Lee Miller Just Quit! Here’s The Scoop…And Some Made Up Stuff.

Friday, March 31st, 2017

 

So, umm…yeah.

About that whole Dance Moms thing.

It started out as a pretty slow news day at the ALDCA, all things considered.

Until, well…you know.Bet you didn’t see that coming.
She did it.  Miss Abby did it.

Abby Lee Miller quit Dance Moms.I know, right?Take your time.

This whole thing pretty much caught everybody off guard.

Even (…SPOILER ALERT!…) this lady.It’s true.

After six years, seven seasons and however many days it all adds up to…Abby quit.

In full-on all up in yo’ face all over yo’ Instagram #AbbyStyle.

And on the weekend, too.  Just like the White House does all their stuff lately.

Trust me.  It was straight-up online Crazy Pants.

But to fully understand the impact of all these shenanigans, we need to start at the beginning.

Which was really the middle and kinda sorta the end.  With me so far?

The Dance Moms Dirt, yo.

Please do enjoy this recap of all the deets that have been made public up to this point.

There is plenty of Canton Jerky to gnaw on so far and anything we don’t know I’ll just make up to keep things flowing.  Because that’s how we do.

Word on the street is that the whole thing started to crumble when all the Moms regrouped to begin filming Season 7.5 or 7B (…which totally sounds like that upstairs apartment in a sitcom where the whacky neighbor lives…) or whatever it is they call the next bunch of episodes that haven’t aired yet.

Abby was MIA. Again.I mean, it’s not like that hasn’t happened before.  But, still.

Needless to say, after six years, seven seasons and blah blah blah…the Moms were getting a little tired of all the no-shows and had apparently been scouting out new locations where the girls could continue to rehearse and compete.  Locations that might give the girls a more positive environment to learn and grow and pig pile on top of each other like the last day of Spring Break.

Like maybe this place that Chloe cryptically posted on her IG account, which immediately caused two thirds of the country’s youth to stop doing their homework and start texting crying emojis way past their bedtime.  OMG + 20 Yellow Smiley Faces with tears pouring down.

Because, remember…Chloe.

Yup.  Looks like Chloe was really back.

Side note:  #CyberSpiritAnimal…

But wassup wid dat 8 Count Dance Academy?

Was it rehearsal space?  Did the team really…finally…jump ship off the SS ALDC?  And where was little Brynn?  Look at this niblet.

We love Brynn, even though her Mom stopped following me on Twitter.

Full Disclosure: I got a feeling Ashlee‘s probably not gonna re-follow me by the time I’m finished with this update, so if anyone would like to fill her spot there’s an #EmptyChair with your name on it.

Eventually, photos started creeping up online showing Brynn surrounded by all kinds of little ALDC Minis, which totally made her look like Dorothy when she first landed in Oz.

Am I right?  And you thought Brynn was tiny.

Was Brynn their mentor?  Was the team fractured?  What was even happening right now?

Lots, apparently.

Abby eventually showed up again with an (…alleged…) list of things that the gang could and could not discuss, which in Dance Moms Reverse Psychology meant Go Directly To Your Social Media.

It started getting a little uncomfortable.

But just a little.  The good stuff was still to come.  At the end of the long Road to Nationals.

Yeah.  What she said.

True Fact:  If there’s one thing I’ve learned in my years of network television (watching) it’s this:

NEVER skimp on the lighting.  Or the fabric on your daughter’s costume.

Just don’t.

But they did.

And it didn’t end well at all.

Anyone remember #FanDanceGate?  Who burned those reels?  They’re not even on Netflix.

Turns out that Abby (…or was it?…) wanted the girls to wear some provocative costumes at Nationals to give them an edge against the competition, which…let’s be honest…has been an ongoing issue at her studio since that first episode way back in 2011.

The routine was going to be a Bob Fosse-ish thingamajig which I guess Abby (…or not…) felt needed grown-up attire consisting of bras, panties and a straddle chair, which in turn opened up pretty heated discussions on what is the proper age for your daughter to be on national television in her undergarments.

Advance Disclaimer:  Take it to the chat rooms, people.  Not the comment section.

This argument has gone on since Day One in the Dance World and while it’s true that the girls are way older than they were during the #FanDanceGate Fiasco, some Moms were still not comfortable with the costuming concept.

Look at how little Mackenzie was back then.  She looks like a toilet paper cozy.

Which reminds me that while all this drama was going on, former DM Break-Out Star Maddie was in Dubai riding a camel and that it’s someone’s actual job in Dubai to crochet camel nose cozies.You can probably Google how to make both the Mackenzie and the camel nose version if you want.

And she’s Maddie and you’re not.

Merchandising Memo:  Did you know that in lieu of cozies, Walgreen’s sells Maddie and Mackenzie dolls?  Because they do.  And both dolls come with a dance bag and legs that look like they’ll snap off as soon as you take them out of the plastic clamshell.  My girl Rachelle Rak will tell you those ain’t Broadway dancer gams.  No, ma’am.

Look!  Here’s Maddie and Mackenzie at Pure Barre.And the Teletubbies at Pure Barre.And Christi and Kelly at The Barre.How much do we love those two together?  Hashtag:  Goals.

And now I forgot what we were talking about.

Oh.  Yeah.  This.And this.  

And this bootleg shot of the actual 2017 dance, which someone apparently shot through the bottom of an aquarium.  Which I don’t understand since photos sent back from the Mars LandRover are clearer than some kid’s iPhone in the 4th row.  But whatev + Scratching Chin Smiley Emoji.

Programming Note:  Right here is where the whole thing hit the #Fan.

Allegedly, new girl Camryn or her Mom Camille or both, popped off on Abby and/or Brynn at some point.

And on Ashlee.  Who popped off on Abby and/or Camryn and Camille.  Or maybe not.  From here on out it kinda depends on whose Instagram account you follow.

FYI:  Those aren’t even the right clips or the right episodes, but you get the point.

Plus Jill is my #MomCrush.  So shut up, you.

And then the Moms started spinning the wheel for one last prize.

Not this one.This one.Game Over.  Social Media for the Win.

Abby went home and posted this picture.

And quit. Look at how long Gianna‘s hair got.

And there’s Brynn and those Minis again.

No clue who the dude is photobombing the shot, but he looks friendly.

Now this isn’t the first time that Abby’s used her IG to shake things up.  Remember when she got engaged to this guy?  Or not.

Here they are again, with that filter that gives you a tan and whitens your teeth.And one more time, looking in the other direction for some reason.Not sure what she had planned for this guy, but it required protective headgear.And this guy, totally getting his pocket picked while he was looking at the smoothie menu. No idea who this guy is.But I give the girl her props.

Always stalk your prey from behind and grab them by the neck before they can escape.

So Abby dragged the show and pretty much anyone else in her orbit on that post.  She even accused the producers of not knowing how to dance, but one of them got right on Twitter all like “Nuh Uh I took dance lessons and paid my rent with these moves, girlfriend.”

My boy even posted this told-you-so video which is so lo-res it will probably give you cataracts.

I shot him a text to get the HD version but he never answers the phone when he’s doing crunches because, you know…summer’s coming, bitch.

And then I don’t even know what happened next.

Abby went on a gazillion tv shows talking smack about everyone except me.  Or maybe even me.

It was like every channel was showing Abby Lee Miller at the beginning of the week.

There was even more #SocialMediaShade while Nia and Holly tried to calm the tide a little with a #NoCyberBullying post that got cyberbullied.

I know, right?

Nobody likes getting in the mud, but sometimes you gotta stand up for your beliefs, y’all.

And I was watching the whole thing like…

And then barely 48 hours later, they announced that Season 7B, which was done and in the can (…that’s industry lingo, BTW…) was suddenly back in production for at least one more month with Cheryl Burke taking over the reigns as Dance Coach.

Wait.  What?

You remember Cheryl.

We LOVE her.

She’s the lady from Dancing With The Stars who saved a horse by riding Drew Lachey to the top of the Leader Board.  They won the coveted Grand Champions Mirror Ball during Season Two, which she celebrated by performing a salsa routine while wearing a diaper.  You can’t make this s*** up.

Full Disclosure:  She doesn’t need diapers, but they paid her and her butt looked amazeballs.

Full Disclosure 2:  Not gonna lie.  If my butt could look as good as Cheryl’s I’d be rocking these so hard right now even though it looks like a lot of work to get both legs in securely.

Cheryl and a big football player took home a second Mirror Ball the next season and then she started drawing the short straw a few times.

Can you say Tom DeLay?

‘Merica.

Or when she got stuck with that Olympian who thought that if he dyed his hair back nobody would remember he went Number 1 all over the wall of a Rio gas station. 

Remember when that big dude jumped the barrier while Ryan Lochte and Cheryl were getting their scores?  Look at Lochte run like a little girl.

Even Cheryl couldn’t believe her life right there.And now she’s on Dance Moms!

And now Ashlee is skyping TMZ talking more shizz about why she and Brynn left the show and then supposedly (…or maybe not…) turning around and going back on set the next day to film.

Side note:  Look at the TMZ bus and Ashlee both blowing hot air all over Hollywood Blvd. Hit that Twitter follow button, people.  Plenty of room.

I dunno.

It’s exhausting.  No bus fume pun intended.

I love all them kids and all them Moms.  And the show straight up gives me #LIFE.

But I dunno what’s real and what’s not and who hates who (…whom?…) or what really happened.  Nobody does, except the people who lived it.  And it’s real for them.

So I guess the rest of us are just gonna have to wait for additional updates.

Or maybe I’ll just keep making up more stuff.

Stay tuned and we’ll see.

But for now…signing off from Dance Moms TV.

Good news.

Good night.

And straighten those damn feet, will ya?

Dance Moms: Fix Your Feet And Cover Your Ears. It’s Nothing But Trash Talk And Decisions…!@#$%* Decisions.

Wednesday, March 26th, 2014

g

 

 

Yo. Hold up. What’d that little bitch in the beanie just call me?

 

 

mz

 

 

 

Between you and me, I think they’re all !@#$%* stupid for showing up every week to get their a** whooped.

 

h

 

 

Really don’t like that language. Especially when I just spent three !@#$%* hours flat ironing my hair and nobody noticed.

 

cn

 

 

 

Swearing like that just shows everyone you have no class. Hit ’em with your purse and be a lady.

 

h1

 

 

 

Cuz I mean…c’mon. Are you looking at this hair? That’s right I got it going on today, bitches.

 

 

k

 

 

 

Ok. Fine. It’s gone. Now can we all stop talking about it and watch my damn kid do her spins?

 

j

 

 

 

What the hell am I supposed to do with this thing? Srsly.

 

 

 

 

Lawd.  I swear.

Well, not really.  Not a lot, anyway.

Maybe once in awhile I might cuss someone out.  Every now and then when they get in my face.  Or maybe every time I have to deal with the boobs in Comcast’s customer service department.  Then I definitely swear.  A lot.

But otherwise, I don’t swear that much.

At least not as much as some of these Dance Moms.

I swear…a few of these ladies could probably back an 18 wheeler up through the ALDC parking lot and never hit one pothole.

And speaking of.  It was potty mouths and pretty feet this week as Abby Lee Miller set out to make it an even dozen in the Win category.

You know the song by now.

Two Four Six Eight.  Nine uncork the wine.  Ten let’s drink again.

I forget what Eleven was.

But Twelve?  That would be sumthin sumthin beyond Santa’s Elve, I imagine.  So there was already pressure building as everyone scooted in for the Pyramid of Shame.

Kalani was back in the lineup.  And most of Mom Kira was back, too, if you know what I mean.  Because I know you do.

Yup.  The MoleGate scandal is officially over now, people.  Keep it moving.  Nothing to see here.  Not anymore anyway.

Super tall Payton and everyone’s favorite Walmart Mom Leslie were also still in the building, which had to be some kind of a record for the two of them, given their history.kh

Spoiler Alert:  If she was smart, Leslie kept the motor running in the getaway car this week, so it would be all warm and ready to go.  Just in case.

Before the Big Reveal, Abby made it official.  Kalani did not have to return her ALDC track jacket because she was now a permanent member of the Team.  She was the new Brooke and Paige.  Which meant that Kira was the new Kelly.

Which meant that Payton was still nothing and that Leslie could blow her first nutty of the episode.  Which she did.  And quite well, I might add.

Bottom row of the Pyramid was packed full of Kalani, Kendall, Nia and Chloe.  Kendall got called out for going through the motions at last week’s competition.  Chloe had lost out to Mackenzie, who had basically just worn one of Maddie‘s old HandMeDown costumes and danced one of Maddie’s old HandMeDown MaddieFace dances.

Abby had expected much more from Nia, given her past drag queen experience.  Which was something that I never thought I would hear spoken to a 12 year old girl from Pennsylvania, so Holly and I both made the same LaquifaWhatFace at the same time because we didn’t know what else to do.

The middle of the pile was home to Mackenzie, Maddie and Payton.  Kudos to Leslie’s kid for looking like a girl dressed as a boy dressed as a girl with Groucho Marx eyebrows.

And the top?  Aren’t we out of dancers already?

Psych.  It was Kelly Hyland and her Charlie Brown sweater, captured in extreme fuzzy closeup on that fateful afternoon when she smacked Abby’s face and ended up on TMZ.

Nothing like slamming a Mom hard when you know that she’s legally prevented from responding on Twitter, I always say.  Boom.  Take that.

This week the gang was headed to another World Class Talent Experience in Cow Country Canton, Ohio.  Which is still home to more beef jerky than you could ever eat in a lifetime and the Evil Dance Lair known as the Candy Apples.

So, yeah.  It’s on again.  And this time it’s on Cathy Nesbitt-Stein‘s home turf.

c

The group routine was going to be a snowy white Frost kind of theme, which I think meant that nobody wanted to pay the rights to use any of songs from Disney’s Frozen.  Abby was still in the HandMeDown Zone, so she wanted to reuse some old fuzzy white costumes that the Moms had taken home after the first go-round.  Why they did that when there’s a whole cluttered fire trap of a costume room somewhere in the belly of the ALDC where the Moms always end up when they want to snark on each other…I dunno.

But for whatever reason, Abby had let those off the property and now she wanted them all back.  Which meant that someone had to either break into the Hyland home while they were out filming youtube videos or the Moms had to draw straws and call Kelly for the costumes.

Yeah.  Good luck with that.

Kalani and Payton both scored solos.  And then everyone got to rehearsing.

Up in Ohio, Cathy and her crew were also hard at work preparing for the competition.

Nick Daniels had returned and both his freakishly long legs and frosted tips were all pointing straight up in the air the entire time he was on camera.  I swear his dancing is actually done by the same George Lucas CGI people who did Star Wars, because there’s no way somebody can really do that in real life with their junk.  And I’ve tried.

Those tiny Morales Salsa kids were also spinning around, as were Lady Killer Lucas Triana and Zack Attack Torres.  Everyone was already starting to stress out as Cathy reworked her own HandMeDown routine for the group number, which probably explains why Zack and Nick were being total pissy bitches to each other.

Dial it down, girls.

With only two days to go, the ALDC girls were going in a million different directions, which would explain why nobody seemed to notice that random guy in a baseball hat follow the Moms through the parking lot right up into the building.  That was kind of creepy and not explained at all, so I don’t know what was going on.  But stalkers and murderers don’t usually carry their drinks in with them, so it was probably nothing.

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At the front desk there was more drama about the missing Frost dresses.  With 48 hours to go, Kalani and Payton were still going on stage naked unless someone came up with a plan.

Melissa thought that she could somehow telepathically will an old dress to transform itself into a new sparklier version, since in real life the woman can’t even plug in an iron.  Not waiting around for that miracle, Leslie left voicemail #79 for Kelly demanding the dresses back, which you know Kelly listened to while laying in her housedress watching Ellen.

God Bless caller ID.

Christi dropped about 20 F-Bombs and Holly wore the same big coat and head wrap that Carol Burnett wore when she did that 1920’s skit with Tim Conway.  I’m really starting to think that Dr. Beyoncé has poor Evan and William back in their old bunk beds now just so she can straight up hog that second bedroom for a walk-in closet.

Dang, girl.

Back in Ohio, all the Moms were making fun of Jill‘s 1-900 voice and watching Zack run around with one sock on his left foot.  It must be an Ohio gang thing or something, because little Gavin was doing the same thing.

I keep forgetting how ‘hood they are up in Canton.

Even when they have the sniffles.  Which Nick totally did.  Watch his nose.

While everyone checked the dryer for missing socks, things were chugging along back at the ALDC.  My MomCrush Jill was wearing one of her signature furry vests over some Wilma Flintstone couture top and Leslie was still on a rampage about something.  Kira was just rolling with the punches as Kelly kept checking caller ID.

With only one day left, nobody was in a good mood.  Nobody.

Remember those sassy pants that Holly was wearing last week?  Well, she bought them in black, too.  Girlfriend wasn’t having it anymore when Leslie started going on again about poor Payton, and she put a stop to the madness with one slam of the brakes.

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Shut.  It.  Down.

She even called it a Poor Payton Pity Party.  MmmHmmm?  Girl, bye.

You just get back up in your top bunk and be quiet.  Mommy’s having a day.

Then it was back to the white dress drama.  Melissa hadn’t learned how to sew overnight, but she did figure that she could probably get the cap off some Woolite and bleach out a few of the old costumes that everyone had brought into the studio.  All the Moms shlepped in with armloads of anything white that they could find at home and were determined to MacGyver something together with fur scraps, tin foil and paper clips.

Because the Show Must Go On.

Even without Payton, who…thanks once again to Leslie mouthing off…was kicked out of the group number before the bus even left for Ohio.  At least she still had her solo, right?

Finally, it was Showtime!

And some of the tackiest random makeup room fabric swagging I’ve ever seen.

Did you see that?  WTF was that all over the walls?  (Yes…it deserved more than one swear word.)  Was it covering up some kind of top secret information that should never be seen on broadcast television?  Or did somebody really think they had just created the newest trend in home decorating?  Really?

It was like when you were in college and hung marijuana tapestries and that flag from Dukes of Hazzard all over your walls.

If you went to Liberace University, that is.

Sidenote:  Can you even imagine the syllabus if that was a real college?  Fabulous 101.

Leslie had one of those last minute Toddlers & Tiaras Moments when you find out that your kid’s cupcake dress doesn’t fit right as they’re calling her name to the stage.  Who does that?  And why do they keep doing it?

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Payton’s costume didn’t fit and they didn’t bring another one.  It escalated quickly and before you knew it Leslie dropped an F-Bomb that would make even Christi blush right before the whole world found out that Payton already needs an upgrade to a larger size.

Buh Bye, Leslie.  Thanks for playing.  The new rules clearly state that any Mom who drops the F-Bomb gets kicked out.

There’s also probably something in there about not wearing a blouse that’s going to gap and pop open so wide that we can see your bra if you’re planning on losing your mind.

Because that totally happened and now I’m not sure I can forgive you.  Ever.

So go.  You can wait in the bus.

And if it gets cold, maybe you could borrow the Candy Apples track jacket that Cathy gave to the judge as a bribe.  Because that also totally happened and I’m willing to bet he wears it proudly every Thursday when he goes bowling.

If Liberace University has a Faculty Bowling League, that is.

Nick’s solo was all legs and Slinky arms.  No shirt, though.  That must be another Skinny Boy Dancer Gang thang, yo.

Kalani rocked her Asia Monet Ray bun and showed that she could handle the pressure on her first ALDC solo.  Bring it.

Backstage in the CADC makeup room, the kids were all checking their iPhones and discussing some of the Anti-Abby #Hashtag names they had seen on posters when things got way outta control.

Waaaay.

Lucas and his red beanie (…allegedly…) called Gavin !@#$%* Stupid (…that’s even how they subtitled it, missing one letter if you want to get overly technical…) when he tried to join the conversation.  Gavin’s Mom Joanne flipped a switch.  Lucas denied swearing even though his mouth moved and whatever he was doing with his tongue was deemed gross enough to need pixelation by the Lifetime people.

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Joanne screamed.  Gavin cried.  Brigette refused to let go of her new Revlon lipstick, but still managed to hurl herself into the heat of the battle like a Mama Bear.

Then Lucas cried.  Like they do on soap operas when they go from 0 to 60 in a split second.  Mom got protective but still refused to put down that lipstick.  It’s like it was the source of all her superpowers or something.

Joanne yanked both kids out the door, quit the CADC and then got talked back into staying by Cathy.  Brigette applied a second coat of Super Lustrous Cherry Blossom and my boy Lucas had some ‘splaining to do when this episode aired in his house.

I believe the whole thing only lasted about 30 seconds, but I’m still traumatized.

Eventually, the Candy Apples managed to zip their potty mouths long enough to hit the stage for the group dance, which was a-mazing.  Legs and mo’ legs.  And some crazy a** spins that totally deserved a swear word.  Nick (…of course…) ended the number with the Mother of All One Leg In The Air Lifts and now I can no longer go upstairs without having flashbacks.   I don’t care what anyone says.  That has got to hurt.

And then finally, it was time for the ALDC group routine.

The hometown crowd was making so much noise that the girls couldn’t hear the music and missed the first turn bop a loo bop.  Maddie freaked out because it wasn’t perfect.  Kalanie gave her second dose of Asia Monet Ray Realness and was all like If You Can’t Make It Fake It.  We were fabulous, mmmkay?  Snap Snap.  And then she walked off like she was leaving the Wendy Williams Show.

We like her.  She’s almost sassy.

Then they did some awards.  Google it if you’re really that into the scores.  You’re really on the wrong website if that’s your thing.

All that really mattered was the ALDC made it Twelve on the Shelve(s) and won First Place.  Guess that means it’s time to come up with something that rhymes with Thirteen.

Gah.  I swear this show is a lot of work sometimes.

What do you think, Lucas?

How’d you like the recap?

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