Dance Moms: Fix Your Feet And Cover Your Ears. It’s Nothing But Trash Talk And Decisions…!@#$%* Decisions.Wednesday, March 26th, 2014
Yo. Hold up. What’d that little bitch in the beanie just call me?
Between you and me, I think they’re all !@#$%* stupid for showing up every week to get their a** whooped.
Really don’t like that language. Especially when I just spent three !@#$%* hours flat ironing my hair and nobody noticed.
Swearing like that just shows everyone you have no class. Hit ‘em with your purse and be a lady.
Cuz I mean…c’mon. Are you looking at this hair? That’s right I got it going on today, bitches.
Ok. Fine. It’s gone. Now can we all stop talking about it and watch my damn kid do her spins?
What the hell am I supposed to do with this thing? Srsly.
Lawd. I swear.
Well, not really. Not a lot, anyway.
Maybe once in awhile I might cuss someone out. Every now and then when they get in my face. Or maybe every time I have to deal with the boobs in Comcast’s customer service department. Then I definitely swear. A lot.
But otherwise, I don’t swear that much.
At least not as much as some of these Dance Moms.
I swear…a few of these ladies could probably back an 18 wheeler up through the ALDC parking lot and never hit one pothole.
And speaking of. It was potty mouths and pretty feet this week as Abby Lee Miller set out to make it an even dozen in the Win category.
You know the song by now.
Two Four Six Eight. Nine uncork the wine. Ten let’s drink again.
I forget what Eleven was.
But Twelve? That would be sumthin sumthin beyond Santa’s Elve, I imagine. So there was already pressure building as everyone scooted in for the Pyramid of Shame.
Kalani was back in the lineup. And most of Mom Kira was back, too, if you know what I mean. Because I know you do.
Yup. The MoleGate scandal is officially over now, people. Keep it moving. Nothing to see here. Not anymore anyway.
Spoiler Alert: If she was smart, Leslie kept the motor running in the getaway car this week, so it would be all warm and ready to go. Just in case.
Before the Big Reveal, Abby made it official. Kalani did not have to return her ALDC track jacket because she was now a permanent member of the Team. She was the new Brooke and Paige. Which meant that Kira was the new Kelly.
Which meant that Payton was still nothing and that Leslie could blow her first nutty of the episode. Which she did. And quite well, I might add.
Bottom row of the Pyramid was packed full of Kalani, Kendall, Nia and Chloe. Kendall got called out for going through the motions at last week’s competition. Chloe had lost out to Mackenzie, who had basically just worn one of Maddie‘s old HandMeDown costumes and danced one of Maddie’s old HandMeDown MaddieFace dances.
Abby had expected much more from Nia, given her past drag queen experience. Which was something that I never thought I would hear spoken to a 12 year old girl from Pennsylvania, so Holly and I both made the same LaquifaWhatFace at the same time because we didn’t know what else to do.
The middle of the pile was home to Mackenzie, Maddie and Payton. Kudos to Leslie’s kid for looking like a girl dressed as a boy dressed as a girl with Groucho Marx eyebrows.
And the top? Aren’t we out of dancers already?
Psych. It was Kelly Hyland and her Charlie Brown sweater, captured in extreme fuzzy closeup on that fateful afternoon when she smacked Abby’s face and ended up on TMZ.
Nothing like slamming a Mom hard when you know that she’s legally prevented from responding on Twitter, I always say. Boom. Take that.
This week the gang was headed to another World Class Talent Experience in Cow Country Canton, Ohio. Which is still home to more beef jerky than you could ever eat in a lifetime and the Evil Dance Lair known as the Candy Apples.
So, yeah. It’s on again. And this time it’s on Cathy Nesbitt-Stein‘s home turf.
The group routine was going to be a snowy white Frost kind of theme, which I think meant that nobody wanted to pay the rights to use any of songs from Disney’s Frozen. Abby was still in the HandMeDown Zone, so she wanted to reuse some old fuzzy white costumes that the Moms had taken home after the first go-round. Why they did that when there’s a whole cluttered fire trap of a costume room somewhere in the belly of the ALDC where the Moms always end up when they want to snark on each other…I dunno.
But for whatever reason, Abby had let those off the property and now she wanted them all back. Which meant that someone had to either break into the Hyland home while they were out filming youtube videos or the Moms had to draw straws and call Kelly for the costumes.
Yeah. Good luck with that.
Kalani and Payton both scored solos. And then everyone got to rehearsing.
Up in Ohio, Cathy and her crew were also hard at work preparing for the competition.
Nick Daniels had returned and both his freakishly long legs and frosted tips were all pointing straight up in the air the entire time he was on camera. I swear his dancing is actually done by the same George Lucas CGI people who did Star Wars, because there’s no way somebody can really do that in real life with their junk. And I’ve tried.
Those tiny Morales Salsa kids were also spinning around, as were Lady Killer Lucas Triana and Zack Attack Torres. Everyone was already starting to stress out as Cathy reworked her own HandMeDown routine for the group number, which probably explains why Zack and Nick were being total pissy bitches to each other.
Dial it down, girls.
With only two days to go, the ALDC girls were going in a million different directions, which would explain why nobody seemed to notice that random guy in a baseball hat follow the Moms through the parking lot right up into the building. That was kind of creepy and not explained at all, so I don’t know what was going on. But stalkers and murderers don’t usually carry their drinks in with them, so it was probably nothing.
At the front desk there was more drama about the missing Frost dresses. With 48 hours to go, Kalani and Payton were still going on stage naked unless someone came up with a plan.
Melissa thought that she could somehow telepathically will an old dress to transform itself into a new sparklier version, since in real life the woman can’t even plug in an iron. Not waiting around for that miracle, Leslie left voicemail #79 for Kelly demanding the dresses back, which you know Kelly listened to while laying in her housedress watching Ellen.
God Bless caller ID.
Christi dropped about 20 F-Bombs and Holly wore the same big coat and head wrap that Carol Burnett wore when she did that 1920′s skit with Tim Conway. I’m really starting to think that Dr. Beyoncé has poor Evan and William back in their old bunk beds now just so she can straight up hog that second bedroom for a walk-in closet.
Back in Ohio, all the Moms were making fun of Jill‘s 1-900 voice and watching Zack run around with one sock on his left foot. It must be an Ohio gang thing or something, because little Gavin was doing the same thing.
I keep forgetting how ‘hood they are up in Canton.
Even when they have the sniffles. Which Nick totally did. Watch his nose.
While everyone checked the dryer for missing socks, things were chugging along back at the ALDC. My MomCrush Jill was wearing one of her signature furry vests over some Wilma Flintstone couture top and Leslie was still on a rampage about something. Kira was just rolling with the punches as Kelly kept checking caller ID.
With only one day left, nobody was in a good mood. Nobody.
Remember those sassy pants that Holly was wearing last week? Well, she bought them in black, too. Girlfriend wasn’t having it anymore when Leslie started going on again about poor Payton, and she put a stop to the madness with one slam of the brakes.
Shut. It. Down.
She even called it a Poor Payton Pity Party. MmmHmmm? Girl, bye.
You just get back up in your top bunk and be quiet. Mommy’s having a day.
Then it was back to the white dress drama. Melissa hadn’t learned how to sew overnight, but she did figure that she could probably get the cap off some Woolite and bleach out a few of the old costumes that everyone had brought into the studio. All the Moms shlepped in with armloads of anything white that they could find at home and were determined to MacGyver something together with fur scraps, tin foil and paper clips.
Because the Show Must Go On.
Even without Payton, who…thanks once again to Leslie mouthing off…was kicked out of the group number before the bus even left for Ohio. At least she still had her solo, right?
Finally, it was Showtime!
And some of the tackiest random makeup room fabric swagging I’ve ever seen.
Did you see that? WTF was that all over the walls? (Yes…it deserved more than one swear word.) Was it covering up some kind of top secret information that should never be seen on broadcast television? Or did somebody really think they had just created the newest trend in home decorating? Really?
It was like when you were in college and hung marijuana tapestries and that flag from Dukes of Hazzard all over your walls.
If you went to Liberace University, that is.
Sidenote: Can you even imagine the syllabus if that was a real college? Fabulous 101.
Leslie had one of those last minute Toddlers & Tiaras Moments when you find out that your kid’s cupcake dress doesn’t fit right as they’re calling her name to the stage. Who does that? And why do they keep doing it?
Payton’s costume didn’t fit and they didn’t bring another one. It escalated quickly and before you knew it Leslie dropped an F-Bomb that would make even Christi blush right before the whole world found out that Payton already needs an upgrade to a larger size.
Buh Bye, Leslie. Thanks for playing. The new rules clearly state that any Mom who drops the F-Bomb gets kicked out.
There’s also probably something in there about not wearing a blouse that’s going to gap and pop open so wide that we can see your bra if you’re planning on losing your mind.
Because that totally happened and now I’m not sure I can forgive you. Ever.
So go. You can wait in the bus.
And if it gets cold, maybe you could borrow the Candy Apples track jacket that Cathy gave to the judge as a bribe. Because that also totally happened and I’m willing to bet he wears it proudly every Thursday when he goes bowling.
If Liberace University has a Faculty Bowling League, that is.
Nick’s solo was all legs and Slinky arms. No shirt, though. That must be another Skinny Boy Dancer Gang thang, yo.
Kalani rocked her Asia Monet Ray bun and showed that she could handle the pressure on her first ALDC solo. Bring it.
Backstage in the CADC makeup room, the kids were all checking their iPhones and discussing some of the Anti-Abby #Hashtag names they had seen on posters when things got way outta control.
Lucas and his red beanie (…allegedly…) called Gavin !@#$%* Stupid (…that’s even how they subtitled it, missing one letter if you want to get overly technical…) when he tried to join the conversation. Gavin’s Mom Joanne flipped a switch. Lucas denied swearing even though his mouth moved and whatever he was doing with his tongue was deemed gross enough to need pixelation by the Lifetime people.
Joanne screamed. Gavin cried. Brigette refused to let go of her new Revlon lipstick, but still managed to hurl herself into the heat of the battle like a Mama Bear.
Then Lucas cried. Like they do on soap operas when they go from 0 to 60 in a split second. Mom got protective but still refused to put down that lipstick. It’s like it was the source of all her superpowers or something.
Joanne yanked both kids out the door, quit the CADC and then got talked back into staying by Cathy. Brigette applied a second coat of Super Lustrous Cherry Blossom and my boy Lucas had some ‘splaining to do when this episode aired in his house.
I believe the whole thing only lasted about 30 seconds, but I’m still traumatized.
Eventually, the Candy Apples managed to zip their potty mouths long enough to hit the stage for the group dance, which was a-mazing. Legs and mo’ legs. And some crazy a** spins that totally deserved a swear word. Nick (…of course…) ended the number with the Mother of All One Leg In The Air Lifts and now I can no longer go upstairs without having flashbacks. I don’t care what anyone says. That has got to hurt.
And then finally, it was time for the ALDC group routine.
The hometown crowd was making so much noise that the girls couldn’t hear the music and missed the first turn bop a loo bop. Maddie freaked out because it wasn’t perfect. Kalanie gave her second dose of Asia Monet Ray Realness and was all like If You Can’t Make It Fake It. We were fabulous, mmmkay? Snap Snap. And then she walked off like she was leaving the Wendy Williams Show.
We like her. She’s almost sassy.
Then they did some awards. Google it if you’re really that into the scores. You’re really on the wrong website if that’s your thing.
All that really mattered was the ALDC made it Twelve on the Shelve(s) and won First Place. Guess that means it’s time to come up with something that rhymes with Thirteen.
Gah. I swear this show is a lot of work sometimes.
What do you think, Lucas?
How’d you like the recap?