Posts Tagged ‘Zack Torres’

Dance Moms: Fix Your Feet And Cover Your Ears. It’s Nothing But Trash Talk And Decisions…!@#$%* Decisions.

Wednesday, March 26th, 2014

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Yo. Hold up. What’d that little bitch in the beanie just call me?

 

 

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Between you and me, I think they’re all !@#$%* stupid for showing up every week to get their a** whooped.

 

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Really don’t like that language. Especially when I just spent three !@#$%* hours flat ironing my hair and nobody noticed.

 

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Swearing like that just shows everyone you have no class. Hit ‘em with your purse and be a lady.

 

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Cuz I mean…c’mon. Are you looking at this hair? That’s right I got it going on today, bitches.

 

 

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Ok. Fine. It’s gone. Now can we all stop talking about it and watch my damn kid do her spins?

 

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What the hell am I supposed to do with this thing? Srsly.

 

 

 

 

Lawd.  I swear.

Well, not really.  Not a lot, anyway.

Maybe once in awhile I might cuss someone out.  Every now and then when they get in my face.  Or maybe every time I have to deal with the boobs in Comcast’s customer service department.  Then I definitely swear.  A lot.

But otherwise, I don’t swear that much.

At least not as much as some of these Dance Moms.

I swear…a few of these ladies could probably back an 18 wheeler up through the ALDC parking lot and never hit one pothole.

And speaking of.  It was potty mouths and pretty feet this week as Abby Lee Miller set out to make it an even dozen in the Win category.

You know the song by now.

Two Four Six Eight.  Nine uncork the wine.  Ten let’s drink again.

I forget what Eleven was.

But Twelve?  That would be sumthin sumthin beyond Santa’s Elve, I imagine.  So there was already pressure building as everyone scooted in for the Pyramid of Shame.

Kalani was back in the lineup.  And most of Mom Kira was back, too, if you know what I mean.  Because I know you do.

Yup.  The MoleGate scandal is officially over now, people.  Keep it moving.  Nothing to see here.  Not anymore anyway.

Super tall Payton and everyone’s favorite Walmart Mom Leslie were also still in the building, which had to be some kind of a record for the two of them, given their history.kh

Spoiler Alert:  If she was smart, Leslie kept the motor running in the getaway car this week, so it would be all warm and ready to go.  Just in case.

Before the Big Reveal, Abby made it official.  Kalani did not have to return her ALDC track jacket because she was now a permanent member of the Team.  She was the new Brooke and Paige.  Which meant that Kira was the new Kelly.

Which meant that Payton was still nothing and that Leslie could blow her first nutty of the episode.  Which she did.  And quite well, I might add.

Bottom row of the Pyramid was packed full of Kalani, Kendall, Nia and Chloe.  Kendall got called out for going through the motions at last week’s competition.  Chloe had lost out to Mackenzie, who had basically just worn one of Maddie‘s old HandMeDown costumes and danced one of Maddie’s old HandMeDown MaddieFace dances.

Abby had expected much more from Nia, given her past drag queen experience.  Which was something that I never thought I would hear spoken to a 12 year old girl from Pennsylvania, so Holly and I both made the same LaquifaWhatFace at the same time because we didn’t know what else to do.

The middle of the pile was home to Mackenzie, Maddie and Payton.  Kudos to Leslie’s kid for looking like a girl dressed as a boy dressed as a girl with Groucho Marx eyebrows.

And the top?  Aren’t we out of dancers already?

Psych.  It was Kelly Hyland and her Charlie Brown sweater, captured in extreme fuzzy closeup on that fateful afternoon when she smacked Abby’s face and ended up on TMZ.

Nothing like slamming a Mom hard when you know that she’s legally prevented from responding on Twitter, I always say.  Boom.  Take that.

This week the gang was headed to another World Class Talent Experience in Cow Country Canton, Ohio.  Which is still home to more beef jerky than you could ever eat in a lifetime and the Evil Dance Lair known as the Candy Apples.

So, yeah.  It’s on again.  And this time it’s on Cathy Nesbitt-Stein‘s home turf.

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The group routine was going to be a snowy white Frost kind of theme, which I think meant that nobody wanted to pay the rights to use any of songs from Disney’s Frozen.  Abby was still in the HandMeDown Zone, so she wanted to reuse some old fuzzy white costumes that the Moms had taken home after the first go-round.  Why they did that when there’s a whole cluttered fire trap of a costume room somewhere in the belly of the ALDC where the Moms always end up when they want to snark on each other…I dunno.

But for whatever reason, Abby had let those off the property and now she wanted them all back.  Which meant that someone had to either break into the Hyland home while they were out filming youtube videos or the Moms had to draw straws and call Kelly for the costumes.

Yeah.  Good luck with that.

Kalani and Payton both scored solos.  And then everyone got to rehearsing.

Up in Ohio, Cathy and her crew were also hard at work preparing for the competition.

Nick Daniels had returned and both his freakishly long legs and frosted tips were all pointing straight up in the air the entire time he was on camera.  I swear his dancing is actually done by the same George Lucas CGI people who did Star Wars, because there’s no way somebody can really do that in real life with their junk.  And I’ve tried.

Those tiny Morales Salsa kids were also spinning around, as were Lady Killer Lucas Triana and Zack Attack Torres.  Everyone was already starting to stress out as Cathy reworked her own HandMeDown routine for the group number, which probably explains why Zack and Nick were being total pissy bitches to each other.

Dial it down, girls.

With only two days to go, the ALDC girls were going in a million different directions, which would explain why nobody seemed to notice that random guy in a baseball hat follow the Moms through the parking lot right up into the building.  That was kind of creepy and not explained at all, so I don’t know what was going on.  But stalkers and murderers don’t usually carry their drinks in with them, so it was probably nothing.

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At the front desk there was more drama about the missing Frost dresses.  With 48 hours to go, Kalani and Payton were still going on stage naked unless someone came up with a plan.

Melissa thought that she could somehow telepathically will an old dress to transform itself into a new sparklier version, since in real life the woman can’t even plug in an iron.  Not waiting around for that miracle, Leslie left voicemail #79 for Kelly demanding the dresses back, which you know Kelly listened to while laying in her housedress watching Ellen.

God Bless caller ID.

Christi dropped about 20 F-Bombs and Holly wore the same big coat and head wrap that Carol Burnett wore when she did that 1920′s skit with Tim Conway.  I’m really starting to think that Dr. Beyoncé has poor Evan and William back in their old bunk beds now just so she can straight up hog that second bedroom for a walk-in closet.

Dang, girl.

Back in Ohio, all the Moms were making fun of Jill‘s 1-900 voice and watching Zack run around with one sock on his left foot.  It must be an Ohio gang thing or something, because little Gavin was doing the same thing.

I keep forgetting how ‘hood they are up in Canton.

Even when they have the sniffles.  Which Nick totally did.  Watch his nose.

While everyone checked the dryer for missing socks, things were chugging along back at the ALDC.  My MomCrush Jill was wearing one of her signature furry vests over some Wilma Flintstone couture top and Leslie was still on a rampage about something.  Kira was just rolling with the punches as Kelly kept checking caller ID.

With only one day left, nobody was in a good mood.  Nobody.

Remember those sassy pants that Holly was wearing last week?  Well, she bought them in black, too.  Girlfriend wasn’t having it anymore when Leslie started going on again about poor Payton, and she put a stop to the madness with one slam of the brakes.

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Shut.  It.  Down.

She even called it a Poor Payton Pity Party.  MmmHmmm?  Girl, bye.

You just get back up in your top bunk and be quiet.  Mommy’s having a day.

Then it was back to the white dress drama.  Melissa hadn’t learned how to sew overnight, but she did figure that she could probably get the cap off some Woolite and bleach out a few of the old costumes that everyone had brought into the studio.  All the Moms shlepped in with armloads of anything white that they could find at home and were determined to MacGyver something together with fur scraps, tin foil and paper clips.

Because the Show Must Go On.

Even without Payton, who…thanks once again to Leslie mouthing off…was kicked out of the group number before the bus even left for Ohio.  At least she still had her solo, right?

Finally, it was Showtime!

And some of the tackiest random makeup room fabric swagging I’ve ever seen.

Did you see that?  WTF was that all over the walls?  (Yes…it deserved more than one swear word.)  Was it covering up some kind of top secret information that should never be seen on broadcast television?  Or did somebody really think they had just created the newest trend in home decorating?  Really?

It was like when you were in college and hung marijuana tapestries and that flag from Dukes of Hazzard all over your walls.

If you went to Liberace University, that is.

Sidenote:  Can you even imagine the syllabus if that was a real college?  Fabulous 101.

Leslie had one of those last minute Toddlers & Tiaras Moments when you find out that your kid’s cupcake dress doesn’t fit right as they’re calling her name to the stage.  Who does that?  And why do they keep doing it?

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Payton’s costume didn’t fit and they didn’t bring another one.  It escalated quickly and before you knew it Leslie dropped an F-Bomb that would make even Christi blush right before the whole world found out that Payton already needs an upgrade to a larger size.

Buh Bye, Leslie.  Thanks for playing.  The new rules clearly state that any Mom who drops the F-Bomb gets kicked out.

There’s also probably something in there about not wearing a blouse that’s going to gap and pop open so wide that we can see your bra if you’re planning on losing your mind.

Because that totally happened and now I’m not sure I can forgive you.  Ever.

So go.  You can wait in the bus.

And if it gets cold, maybe you could borrow the Candy Apples track jacket that Cathy gave to the judge as a bribe.  Because that also totally happened and I’m willing to bet he wears it proudly every Thursday when he goes bowling.

If Liberace University has a Faculty Bowling League, that is.

Nick’s solo was all legs and Slinky arms.  No shirt, though.  That must be another Skinny Boy Dancer Gang thang, yo.

Kalani rocked her Asia Monet Ray bun and showed that she could handle the pressure on her first ALDC solo.  Bring it.

Backstage in the CADC makeup room, the kids were all checking their iPhones and discussing some of the Anti-Abby #Hashtag names they had seen on posters when things got way outta control.

Waaaay.

Lucas and his red beanie (…allegedly…) called Gavin !@#$%* Stupid (…that’s even how they subtitled it, missing one letter if you want to get overly technical…) when he tried to join the conversation.  Gavin’s Mom Joanne flipped a switch.  Lucas denied swearing even though his mouth moved and whatever he was doing with his tongue was deemed gross enough to need pixelation by the Lifetime people.

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Joanne screamed.  Gavin cried.  Brigette refused to let go of her new Revlon lipstick, but still managed to hurl herself into the heat of the battle like a Mama Bear.

Then Lucas cried.  Like they do on soap operas when they go from 0 to 60 in a split second.  Mom got protective but still refused to put down that lipstick.  It’s like it was the source of all her superpowers or something.

Joanne yanked both kids out the door, quit the CADC and then got talked back into staying by Cathy.  Brigette applied a second coat of Super Lustrous Cherry Blossom and my boy Lucas had some ‘splaining to do when this episode aired in his house.

I believe the whole thing only lasted about 30 seconds, but I’m still traumatized.

Eventually, the Candy Apples managed to zip their potty mouths long enough to hit the stage for the group dance, which was a-mazing.  Legs and mo’ legs.  And some crazy a** spins that totally deserved a swear word.  Nick (…of course…) ended the number with the Mother of All One Leg In The Air Lifts and now I can no longer go upstairs without having flashbacks.   I don’t care what anyone says.  That has got to hurt.

And then finally, it was time for the ALDC group routine.

The hometown crowd was making so much noise that the girls couldn’t hear the music and missed the first turn bop a loo bop.  Maddie freaked out because it wasn’t perfect.  Kalanie gave her second dose of Asia Monet Ray Realness and was all like If You Can’t Make It Fake It.  We were fabulous, mmmkay?  Snap Snap.  And then she walked off like she was leaving the Wendy Williams Show.

We like her.  She’s almost sassy.

Then they did some awards.  Google it if you’re really that into the scores.  You’re really on the wrong website if that’s your thing.

All that really mattered was the ALDC made it Twelve on the Shelve(s) and won First Place.  Guess that means it’s time to come up with something that rhymes with Thirteen.

Gah.  I swear this show is a lot of work sometimes.

What do you think, Lucas?

How’d you like the recap?

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Dance Moms: Holy Toledo, Batman! It’s Another Chance To Blame It All On Ohio…Or Maybe Just That New Girl.

Wednesday, March 12th, 2014

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Just saying I’m into stocky guys and dudes with funny hats. Think we can make this happen?

 

 

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Lawd have mercy. I’m gonna have to write a whole other book just to get that outta my head.

 

 

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I don’t recall that Dr. Beyoncé lady’s hair looking like that last year on the Zenith. Do you, Bernice?

 

 

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It’s called a smokey eye. Doesn’t anyone read Cosmopolitan Magazine anymore?

 

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Haters gonna hate. But sometimes it’s just good to be Jill. It’s ok to be jealz.

 

 

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Srsly. What the hell? A haunted house? I never had to put up with all this s*** in Miami, bitches.

 

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OhMyGod! We took the wrong dog home from the nursing home last night!

 

 

 

Finally.

Mystery solved.

I think I finally figured out what’s on that sheet of paper that Melissa is always holding during competitions.  When she isn’t texting, I mean.

She must be keeping track of all the new faces that come and go through the revolving door of the ALDC.  That has to be what she’s doing.  Because without some kind of spreadsheet I don’t think that even Abby Lee Miller could remember who gets to keep their logo tank tops for another week and who has to wash and return them before hitting the road.  Don’t cut the tags off just yet, kids.

Dance Moms was back this week with yet another stray child attempting to score a permanent locker and snappy track jacket of their own.  And the pressure was building.

Because Eight is great.  And Nine is fine.  But then again…there’s Ten.

I don’t know if they were referring to winning streaks or newbie dancers, but everyone kept rhyming stuff for the full hour like it was Seussical the Musical.

Good Golly, Miss Molly.  Buy that book by Dr. Holly.

This week started out in the lobby again, with Abby and her trusty sidekick Gianna chilling and gossiping and doing everything they could possibly think of to avoid having to organize that hot mess of a front desk.

Four seasons later, I’m beginning to realize that parking lot potholes and front desk clutter are two things I’m going to have to come to terms with or I’ll drive myself crazy.

Abby let Gia know that yet another spunky new kid would be joining them this week for a test run.  Fallon and her Mom Cheryl from the Orlando Open Call Auditions.

And in they came.  All polite and sparkly and excited to be in Pittsburgh.

Sidenote:  Do these little tykes all wear glitter eyeliner to school, too?  Or do they put in on the car on the way to rehearsals?  I’m never really sure if it’s 7am or 7pm when everyone shows up at the studio, so I’m just throwing that one out there.

And then it was time for the Pyramid of Shame.  And to introduce Fallon to the Team.

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Did you see Nia‘s little half-wave?  Amazing.  I couldn’t tell if Sasha couldn’t be bothered putting the effort into a full-on ‘Howdy’ since it was already pretty clear that Fallon would be gone by next week, or if she just didn’t dare fall out of military formation.  You know how the General can be during inspection.

But it’s also the International Year of the Nia, so she’s got a lot on her plate right now.

Regardless, it was fabulous.  Hi.  Yeah.  Whatev.

Kalani was MIA.  Which I didn’t understand, since she still shows up on some of the kid’s Instagrams.  Which totally just sounded like I creep young girl’s Instagram accounts.

Which I don’t do.  Because it’s called Research, thank you very much.

Bottom of the Pyramid was home to Kendall, Chloe and Nia.  Kendall had pulled a measly Ninth Place last week, so she’s lucky Abby didn’t add a 4th row to the Pyramid just for her.  Chloe had done the same turn for ten minutes in the Improv Dance-Off part of the competition, while Nia only did half a turn before she got cut, so I didn’t have high hopes for my girls this week.  There’s always next time, little buckeroos.

The middle row was tag teamed by Fallon and Mackenzie‘s pouty Kardashian face.  I forget why Fallon made it that high up in her first 4 minutes with the ALDC because Melissa started doing that hyper-fast stress blinking that she always does when she’s about to lose her nutty on someone and it really distracted me for a second.

Mackenzie was given props for having that crazy seizure on stage and giving Face, Face and More Face.  I totally called that one last week, by the way.

And then Maddie was on top.  She’ll probably be on top next week, too, if you have somewhere to be at 9pm.

Special shout out to Holly and her new sweater ensemble.  And her sassy pants.

Because she definitely had her sassy pants on this week.  Oh, snap.

Seriously.  When Abby first revealed Fallon taped above Nia on the Pyramid and Holly put her hands on her hips and got all OhHellNo, she kind of looked like Clair Huxtable pretending to be Wonder Woman standing on a rock overlooking Paradise Island wondering why all her kids are late for dinner again when she clearly stated 6pm.

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Did that even make any sense?

And to my other MomCrush Jill, who seems to have finally gotten her hair under control and when she dials down some of the fur accessories is looking pretty damn fly.  Did you see her in that red dress at the competition?  Dang, girl.  Werk those Spanx.  Hubba.

We.  Love.  Jill.  Dot-Com.

This week the gang was headed to another In10sity Dance Competition in Toledo, Ohio.

Yeah.  That Ohio.

Candy Apples turf.  And you know how Abby gets when Chaos Cathy Nesbitt-Stein shows up on the playground.

Kendall and Fallon scored solos.  The group routine was called Red With Envy.  Cheryl is a hard 40+ years old.  And her boobs are real.

Because Christi asked.  So there you go.

While all the Moms were in the MomPerch looking at Cheryl’s chest, Chaos Cathy and her team were up in Ohio working out their own kinks.

Bad A** choreographer Blake McGrath was gone.  Off getting another skull tattoo or something.  And in his place was some hottie from Los Angeles named Erin, who you could tell was making the two male dancers act a little dorky.

Especially Zack Attack Torres, who had somehow inexplicably grown at least 2 feet taller since the last time we saw him and was a Real Boy now.  Holy Growth Spurt, Pinocchio.

But let’s be honest.  All that really mattered was Cathy’s smokey eye.

I know, right?  What was that all about?  It was a little less like a Jersey nail tech and whole lot more like some shaky priest had completely missed her forehead on Ash Wednesday.  I had to walk away for a minute just to wash my face.

The only thing that could really top that was a trip to an assisted living center.

It was time to go visit Abby’s Mom Maryen Lorraine Miller and put on a quick improv show for the residents of The Sterling House.  And for Abby to yell at some old people.

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The serious part:  We miss Maryen, who passed away in February.  She proved that she was sharp as a tack right to the end, sitting there all coiffed and hair bowed, and it was clear how much all the girls loved her as they stampeded in with glitter cards and warm fuzzy hugs.  Her contribution to the world of dance can’t be ignored and she will live on forever in the hearts of young dancers everywhere.

The not quite so serious part:  There was a dead dog on the bed.

Shut.  Up.  Broadway Baby was back.  Stuffed and just chilling out on the blanket like nothing had happened.  It was so wrong on so many levels that it almost seemed right.

It was also nice to see that no matter how old you get, you still don’t have to listen to your Mother as Abby tossed Mackenzie’s live dog (…butt first, of course…) right in Maryen’s face before scooping him up again and dumping the tiny pup right on top of Broadway Baby despite Maryen begging her not to tread on sacred territory.

Luckily the little dog caught the scent of cellophane wrapped Grandma Candy and scooted across the bed before he soiled the Broadway Baby shrine in any way.  Because I know what you expected him to do.  And it probably would have been hilarious.

The girls then did a quick Improv Dance-Off, complete with a grand finale Nia Frazier Death Drop.  Which seemed like an odd message to send to residents of an assisted living center, but I’m not here to judge.

As the competition drew closer, the ALDC rehearsals grew more stressful but remained fairly uneventful.  Fallon had trouble remembering which foot was the Right one and Kendall learned that if she didn’t place in the Top Five this week it wouldn’t be pretty.

And speaking of pretty, thanks to Christi we also learned that Jill likes to keep herself ‘fresh,’ which I believe is MomCode for Restylane fillers.

Remember that time when Jill wrapped her belly in saran wrap?  The man on QVC says that shrink wrapping all your squishy stuff will definitely extend its shelf life.

The More You Know, kids.  Just keeping it Real.  And keeping it Fresh.

Finally, it was Showtime!

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At the Collingwood Arts Center.  Which I think was supposed to be spelled ‘Collinwood.’ 

Like the mansion in Dark Shadows.  Where Barnabas Collins lived.  Who was a vampire.  Wait.  What?

Can someone explain what this place was all about?  Because I have no clue.  It was almost as if the In10sity guys forgot to put down a deposit and ended up having to run the show out of someone’s house.  There were secret hallways.  A million doors.  Everyone was bumping into each other trying to get to the bathroom.

Did you see the actual performances?  The stage looked like someone had just pushed the couches out of the way and made the kids all dance under emergency generator lighting.  And I’m not even exaggerating for once.

There was even a hand coming out of the wall trying to grab Brigette Triana‘s head.

On the bus ride over, Cheryl had casually mentioned that she didn’t actually bring anything for Fallon to wear during her solo.  Holly made some of her best HollyFaces yet while Melissa proved that she had clearly mastered the art of being snarky without even looking up from an iPhone.  Meow, girls.  Me.  Ow.

So that meant that Abby had to go to Macy’s and buy an armload of dresses in a last minute panic.  Good thing they have a One Day Sale every weekend.

And then it was really, finally, Showtime!

Chaos Cathy sent out a tiny shirtless boy for her solo contribution.  She basically broke up the Gavin/Mackenzie Morales salsa set and made the brother do all the heavy lifting this week.  He could use a few bicep curls, but otherwise he did great.

Kendall rocked her solo, while newbie Fallon didn’t even know where she was.  That kid was lucky she even made it onto the stage before forgetting her entire routine.

Abby tried to coerce the two dudes in charge of the event to disqualify Fallon on the spot because she was such a mess, but they weren’t buying it.  Some nonsense about rules or something.

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Nice hat, by the way.

A couple of times during the event, Jill and Cathy went a few rounds, but it was pretty tame compared to previous water tossing, pocketbook swinging confrontations.  Cathy seems to have lost her will to live lately.  Especially when you’re trapped inside a venue where municipal fire codes only allow seven people in a room at one time.

And then she panicked.  Cathy cut the CADC group number right as the kids had one foot on the stage.  Because if you know you can’t win at something, it’s always better to just take all your toys and go home instead of striving to be the best you can be under less than perfect conditions.  Or at least I think that was the teaching moment.

Somehow, Fallon pulled a Third Place by simply wandering around stage for two minutes.

Sign me up for that gig.  I love trophies.

Kendall lost out to Gavin by 1/10th of a point as they pulled in Second and First Place respectively.  But still a major victory for girls who cry too easily and skinny boys everywhere.

The ALDC group routine brought in another First Place.  Boom.

Backstage, everyone was screaming and hugging and high-fiving each other like it was the Superbowl.  Except for Holly, who got left hanging with both hands up in the air and nobody to palm slap.  Anyone else notice that one?

Girlfriend.  Love you.  Mean it.  But you’re like 8 feet tall in heels.  What kid is gonna hit that target?  They’re dancers, not Globetrotters.  I did get up off the couch and give you ten so you didn’t feel left out, if that makes you feel any better.

Next time…low five on da side, yo.

And then Abby sent Fallon home without even a consolation prize.  Thanks for playing.

Cathy whined a little more and then grabbed the crosstown to get the heck outta there before Brigette freaked out.  Yet another loss for the Candy Apples.

Time for Lady Killer Lucas to bring his heart breaking skills to Pittsburgh, I think.  And bring Pinocchio with you.  He can stick his head out the sun roof.

And then it was over.  Ten if you’re counting.

Next week?  Drag Queens.

Now we’re talking.

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Dance Moms: Witch, Pleez. There’s A Big Dangerous House Droppin’, Booty Poppin’ Storm Moving In On Virginia.

Wednesday, January 22nd, 2014

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I don’t care if you all come in like a damn Wrecking Ball or a Butterball. Just drop it hard on her head.

 

 

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Phhffffft. Bitch.

 

 

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Whoa. This is not my fault. Nobody told me you lose points for dressing up like an Amish furniture maker.

 

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It is what it is, y’all. Haters gonna hate cuz this Mama still knows how to rock her Bump-It. Werk.

 

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Check it before you wreck it, Gurlz. Baby don’t need no solo when she’s looking this Fierce, mmkay?

 

 

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Still a Bitch.

 

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I could totally pull off one of those Kardashian selfies. Not bad for 2 kids.

 

 

 

Pop Quiz.

Are you a Good Witch or a Bad Witch?

Or just the owner of a dance studio?  Because it’s a fine line nowadays.

And Dance Moms went there this week, stirring up the competitive Dark Side.

Good vs. Evil.  Mom vs. Mom.  Kendall vs. Chloe.  And of course…ALDC vs. CADC.

After an almost perfect showing in Orlando, it was time to ramp up for the next competition as the gang all hustled in for the latest Pyramid of Shame.

Well, except for Payton that is, who did more of a klunk klunk foot drag kind of thing than an actual hustle since she was now on wobbly crutches after going down hard right before last week’s group routine.

You remember that, right?  When Payton tripped on something backstage and all those big, beefy EMTs came rushing into the makeup room to save the day?  And Christi laid down on the floor pretending that she needed CPR while Abby ran in circles like a St. Bernard rescue dog slobbering tongue goo all over the walls?

Yeah.  You remember.  It was Desperate Housewives: Pittsburgh Edition.

And now Payton was uncomfortably held up by crutches at the bottom of the Pyramid, and struggling to explain what really happened that fateful afternoon.

When she first hit the floor last week, word on the street was that she had flipped over a chair and gone down, but by the time the Chippendales ambulance arrived the story had already changed to something about tripping over Kendall.  And now, when confronted by Abby and several unnamed government sources, it turns out that Payton was allegedly mocking some random ballet dancer on stage at the time and may have actually wiped out simply due to the fact that she was born with two left feet.

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Busted.

Paytongate.  We may never know the real answer.

Especially since Mom Leslie immediately blew another Walmart Nutty while claiming that her kid had tripped over a backstage prop (…Version…what are we up to now…#4?…) before Mom and Daughter were both kicked off the team and right out of the building.

Thanks for playing.  Game Over.

If you keep track of this kind of thing, Payton literally spent less time on camera this week than she did maneuvering herself in and out around the parking lot potholes.  And that’s gotta suck on crutches.

And then there were seven.

The rest of the bottom tier consisted of Kendall, Nia and Brooke.  Kendall was still paying the price for being late to the Orlando competition, thanks in part to Mom Jill taking too long to pack all her fur coats after attending another daughter’s event.  Brooke had forgotten some choreo (…that’s what the Cool Kids call ‘choreography’ nowadays…) and Nia had blended in…which I would have assumed isn’t really a bad thing in a group number.  But I’m no dance teacher, so there’s that.

Not gonna lie.  I really want Nia to get her Moment To Shine.  I do.  But I also really enjoy her ‘OhHellNoBitchPleezYouDidNotJustGoThere’ Face every time Abby sticks it to her in front of the other girls.  You do not wanna make Nia snap her fingers in a Z Formation.

Trust me.  You just don’t.

The middle row of The Pyramid was home to Chloe, Paige and Mackenzie.  There was still some unsolved drama over how Chloe and Kendall had managed to swap spots in the program after it had gone to print that would drag through the entire episode.  I forget why Paige was there in the middle.  I almost forgot Paige was there all together if we’re being honest.  She hasn’t had much face time lately.

It should also be noted that Mackenzie had her Little Girl hair bow back on in her headshot but was still giving us Fish Lip Kissy Face Realness.  How old is this kid?  Really?

Maddie was at the top again.

I just cut & paste that sentence every week in case you were wondering.

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This week the gang was headed to Roanoke, VA for the Dance Troupe International competition (…DTI for those in the know…) where they would once again be going head to head with Ohio’s Evil Dance Lair.

Yup.  Candy Apples was gonna be back in the hizzle again.

To celebrate the return of Abby’s Evil Nemesis, the ALDC group routine was aptly but not so cleverly entitled “The Witches of East Canton” (…I see what you did there, Ms. Miller…) with Maddie playing a Good Witch who faces off against all the other Bad Witches in town.  This way, Abby could stick it to not only Cathy Nesbitt-Stein but also everyone sitting upstairs in the ALDC MomPerch all at the same time.

Multi-tasking?  Always Bonus Points.

Kendall and Chloe were assigned opposing solos again in yet another attempt at determining who would be Abby’s Number Two Girl in the highly unlikely event that Maddie is abducted by aliens and can no longer fulfill her duties as Top Dawg.

And then it was off to rehearsals, and to Ohio for an injection or two of testosterone.

That’s right.  The Candy Apples Boy Band had reunited and Cathy was positively giddy.

Zack Attack, Lady Killer Lucas and The Other Nick were all back together again with bad a** choreographer Blake McGrath, so you knew there would be one leg up in the air high kicks and screaming tweenybop girls for days.

And just to make certain the group routine would be amaze balls, Cathy had imported two new ringers for this week’s competition.

The Morales Kids!!

Who I guess are some brother/sister big dealio in the youtube world, but honestly I’m so far behind in my puppies riding skateboards and kittens playing piano videos that I haven’t even had a moment to catch my breath, much less begin Googling ‘Dance Phenoms.’

I’m sure their videos are da bomb.

Accompanied by their Mom (…who chews an awful lot of gum I gotta say…) Gavin and McKenzie Morales busted into the Jerky Store like the internet rockstars they are.

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Everyone went temporarily insane and then Blake got the party started, even though I’m pretty sure his hip hop pants were on backwards.

Gavin, who’s a tiny little squirt of a dancing machine and his sister McKenzie, not to be confused with the original recipe Mackenzie or Makenzie from Toddlers & Tiaras (…is it any wonder that my spellcheck never works anymore?…) reminded me of the two little salsa kids that Macy’s always rolls out during the Dancing With The Stars finale.  They were cuties and really seemed to know their shizz.

I’m also pretty sure the boy had frosted tips like ‘N Sync used to rock back in the day.

Bye Bye Bye.

Back in Pittsburgh, Chloe was working on her Miley Cyrus solo while Kendall struggled with a high energy M.I.A. bouncy ball dance.  But the real struggle was up in the MomPerch as Holly sat on Christi to prevent her from punching Jill in the throat again.

Seriously.  This drama over the program order is getting old.  How much longer, ladies?

I’m also beginning to wonder if Dr. Beyoncé actually uses any hot rollers or if just being around all these crazy moms 24/7 is making her hair look like that.  I like it.  Don’t get me wrong.  But sometimes I bet my girl just wants to let them chew each others’ faces off while she takes her new hair out the back door for an Herbal Essence Moment of Clarity.

Which you can buy here, if you so desire.  The book.  Not the shampoo.  The shampoo’s on sale at CVS if you use a coupon, though.

The remainder of the rehearsals leading up to the DTI competition were chock full of  the usual drama.  Jill wanted a level playing field between Kendall and Chloe.  Christi wanted to poke Jill in the eye socket and then sneak another peak at Chloe’s special top secret costume.  Kelly wanted Abby to stop picking on her kids for one (bleeping) day.  And Melissa just wanted better cell reception upstairs because it was taking waaay too long for her tweets to post.

At some point during all the hysteria, Kendall almost flat lined when she couldn’t catch her breath and Jill had to rush from the MomPerch to make sure her kid didn’t go into a full blown panic attack.  I really thought Christi was going to film it with her iPhone and put it up on Instagram since she was already downstairs taping Chloe’s rehearsal.  You know she totally thought about it for a second until Jill gave her Side Eye.

Finally, it was Showtime!

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And once again, the crowd went completely bazoinkers when the ALDC bus pulled up to the bumper.  Ba.  Zoinkers.

Backstage, Chloe unveiled her expensive, sparkly solo ensemble right before poor little Kendall shlepped out from behind the curtain in some last minute rags that Abby clearly pulled from an H&M clearance rack while the bus was gassing up across the street.

Srsly.  ’SWAG?’  On a shirt?  D’Hell wuzzat?  No one even says that any more except for Justin Bieber and he’s a complete Tool.

Jill was not liking it.  At all.  But the show must go on even if somebody’s playing favorites in the costume closet.

Kendall’s SwagSolo was a little SoSlow.  Not swaggy enuff, according to Cathy, who kept talking the entire time  behind Jill’s seat until Mama Lion turned around and took a swipe at her suburban Ohio prey.

No, you shut up.

Chloe’s solo went well, but I had trouble hearing the music over the sound of Jill’s teeth grinding together.  Equal playing field my butt.  And cold shoulder cut outs.

I should also probably note that Jill’s hair was exceptionally big this week.  I’m thinking the new and improved Holly Frazier has forced Jill to step up her game.  Well played this week, Mrs. Vertes.  Well played.

But the group routines were when the game really started getting good.

The Candy Apples Wild Party dance crew hit the stage with one shiny suit leg up in the air as all the Boyz took turns tossing McKenzie 2014 around the stage.

Side note:  How tall is this Nick kid?  Seriously.  What he lacks in the Original Nick’s Dreamyosity he certainly makes up for in claymation flexibility.

And don’t even take this as a slam, because I looooved this movie.  But do you remember The Nightmare Before Christmas?  The Tim Burton one?  You tell me that Nick Daniels doesn’t look exactly like Jack Skellington with a Backstreet Boy Head.  All long arms and crazy legs going uncontrollably all over the place.

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How does he even do that?  That has GOT to hurt.

When Nick hit the stage he looked exactly like Jack Skellington when he fell down that tree hole into the Christmas Town snow bank.  And I was totes jealz.

What’s this?  What’s this?

I bet Gavin’s Mom would have swallowed her gum if she hadn’t had such a huge wad of Dubble Bubble in her mouth.

After the Candy Apples did their thang, the ALDC hit the stage all slicked back and contoured and witched-up.  Tonight when I hit the gym I’m totally cutting up my biceps with eye shadow like Nia did.  Pop them guns, Gurrrl.

And then there was nothing left to do but award some trophies.  Especially the one for Most Fierce Emcee Walk To The Stage Ever award.  Did you see that dude werk it from the back to the front like it was New York Fashion Week?  Wait.  What?

Kendall came in Second Place.  Which was not First Place.  So here we go again.  Sorry, Chloe took that spot.

Despite Blake’s lucky hat, the Candy Apples came in Second Place in the group category, which opened up a whole ‘nother can of fresh apple sauce backstage as Lucas’ Mom Brigette got all worked up about the Politics of Dancing, which coincidentally enough is also a song that she recently Shazamed on her iPhone.

Mama T. does love her Shazam app.  And we love her for it.

If you do the math, that meant that the ALDC pulled in First Place for their oh so subtle Good Witch/Bad Witch slam against the state of Ohio.  So there, Boyz.

Girl Power to the bazillionth.

But that doesn’t mean anyone (…except Maddie…and Mackenzie, of course, who pretty much comes as a free gift with purchase…) is safe from elimination.

Because the Open Auditions are back next week.

Game On, Witches.

Pow!  Pow!

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