Posts Tagged ‘Zack Torres’

Dance Moms: The West Coast Abby Returns! When It’s Tap vs. Hip Hop, You Better Pop It, Lock It And Bump-It.

Wednesday, July 17th, 2013

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Everyone in LA has bangs. Richy said that if he was into it and his standards were a little lower, he’d be all over this.

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Lawd. This s*** and that Priscilla Presley hair just got real.

 

 

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Umm. I didn’t sleep with my boss. We were awake the whole time, thank you. And you’re pretty much a bitch.

 

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This Chipotle App is the bomb. That beef burrito will be ready before we even pull into the bus stop.

 

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Oh. My. Gawd. I’m freakin’ finally on Dance Moms and I’m wearing horizontal stripes. What was I thinking? Dying.

 

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Shut. Up. You really gave Chloe hip hop? That is HIGHlarious. You’re gonna make me pee my pants.

 

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Mama’s coming home soon, Baby.

 

 

 

 

Well.

Freakin’ finally.

After being preempted for what seemed like six months by the premiere of the already classic What’s Vivi-Anne Gonna Eat Today? Show and then being postponed for another two more weeks while that cable access Drink While You Dance Chat mess auditioned a few D-List comedians…Dance Moms is back.

I think.

Or maybe it was a repeat.  I’m not sure.

I remember last season there was an episode that was nothing but Christi getting all up in Melissa‘s face about butt kissing and special treatment and everyone swearing in front of their kids until Maddie cried.

And that totally happened again this week.  So I’m not really sure what was going on.

Honestly, with all the recent repetitive story lines and rehashed Mama Drama, the only way I can keep track of what day it is is by referencing my Crazy Jill Hair spreadsheet.

And my Where’s Kristie? board game, of course.

And speaking of.  Do I physically have to go down to the Lifetime TV executive offices and slap somebody until they put Asia‘s bad a** Mama in every episode?

Because I will.  If this site ever starts making me some money, that is.  Have you priced airline tickets lately?  Seriously.  I don’t want to buy the plane.  Just a ticket, ma’am.

Let’s go, people!

Thanks to poor planning on somebody’s part, Ms. Miller had to take a sabbatical from the show in order to jet out to California (…swimming pools, movie stars…) to film the second season of Abby’s Ultimate Dance Competition, which left the inmates running the prison.

But Abby was back now.

With a fresh new LA attitude, a ton o’ fresh new LA hairstyles that she was clearly trying to get a handle on and basically every piece of fresh new Resort 2013 she could strip off the Lane Bryant window mannequins down on West Pico Blvd.

Did you see all her new clothes?

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But it was back to bidnez now and that meant that the Two Months Later And Maddie’s Still On Top Pyramid of Shame finally made a reappearance.  After one more promotional blitz for AUDC, coming soon to a television near you.

Was it just me, or was Richy Jackson wearing a Burger King crown in that hazy flashback?  Because Girlfriend was definitely having it her way.  MmmHmm.

I’m fairly certain that Abby just left the last pyramid taped to the mirrors, because nothing looked very different this time around.

Bottom row was reserved for Brooke, Paige, Kendall and Nia.  Apparently Brooke had blown off dance rehearsals while Abby was gone and had gotten busted by the ALDC SpyCam or somebody’s thermal heat goggles when she and Mom Kelly snuck off to record another youtube CD.

I don’t know.  Somehow Abby knew though.

Second row was Mackenzie, Chloe and the MIA Asia.  After I did the math and realized that an MIA Asia meant an MIA Kristie…again…I stopped paying attention to that row.

And natch, top of the pile was Maddie again.

This week the gang was headed to beautiful Syracuse, NY for another In10sity Dance Competition and Abby was ready to shake things up again.  Last time, as you will recall, she had sent Maddie and Chloe out on stage to perform the exact same routine to the same music.  It was like, OMG.  Totally twinsies.  Like…totz.

This time they would be hitting the bright lights as complete opposites.  Maddie would be doing a tap routine.  Chloe would be going gangstah with a hip hop number.

Maddie’s favorite thing in the whole wide world is tap.  Chloe is a skinny little white ballerina who doesn’t even take hip hop lessons.

You do the math on that one.  It’s even easier than my Kristie addition & subtraction a little earlier, so you probably won’t need a calculator.

MackLoJack also got a solo, but she’s not Asia…so you know…

The group routine was entitled Gone Too Soon about celebrities who were gone too…well, you can probably figure that one out as well.

Every girl would play a character.  A dead one.  Dead Diva Dancing, basically.

Nia was Whitney.  Kendall was Selena.  (The Latin one, not Bieber‘s on again/off again suckah girlfriend.  She’s still alive.  A fool for going out with such a Dbag, but still alive.)

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Brooke was Amy Winehouse.  Paige was Anna Nicole Smith.  Chloe was Marilyn Monroe.  And Maddie got to wear a tiara, which was all that really mattered to Abby.

Not to steal any of Honey Boo Boo Child‘s thunder, but if this show had its own People Magazine Whiff & Sniff card this week, the whole thing woulda stank up the barn with favoritism and shame.  And bacon.

Up in the MomPerch it was National Gang Up On Melissa Day.

Apparently while Abby was gone, the Moms had all taken some kind of blood oath to band together as a team and not pimp out any of their kids by sending them to Los Angeles.  One Team.  One Mission.

Yeah.  How did that Mom Parking Lot Sit-In of 2013 work out for everybody?

Needless to say, Melissa had crammed Maddie into Abby’s carry-on and shipped her off to the West Coast asap to appear on AUDC while the rest of the girls stayed in Pittsburgh to do whatever it is that kids do in Pittsburgh before they grow up, smarten up and run away from home without ever looking back.

(No hate mail from the Pittsburgh Office of Tourism, please.)

Somehow that move translated into an argument between Christi and Melissa about sleeping with your boss.  Or Melissa’s boss, more specifically.

Because that’s what she (…allegedly…) did.  Numerous times.  Multiple numerous times, if you know whaddimean.

Before she ended up marrying him.

And can we just talk for a second about how Melissa fights?  Like your 5 year old niece fights, maybe?

Nuh uh.  No way.  You lie.  Whatever.  Not talkin’ about it.  Not talkin’ about it.  Maybe because you’re a big poopy head liar, that’s why.  Whatever.  Fine.

Whatever Infinity.

And then she grabbed her Bratz doll and her sleeping bag and stormed out of the Perch.

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The next day (…I knew it was the next day because Abby and Jill both had new hairdos…) Melissa narced on Christi for being White Trash and then apologized for not remembering that it was 1960′s Dress Up Day at the ALDC.

Holy Bang ‘n Bouffant, Batman.

As Melissa hunkered down in the studio to watch Mackawhacka try and imitate SassyPants Asia’s sassypantsness in her solo, the rest of the Moms looked down and (…white…) trash talked their brains out.

MackPaddiWack was having a rough time of it, and Abby blamed it on her having taken part in recess earlier in the day.

I know, right?  The nerve of that kid.  Playing with her friends.  Getting all that exercise out there in all that unhealthy fresh air.

And that is why dancers should be home schooled, according to Abby, whose wisdom and hairstyles both seemed to be trapped somewhere in the JFK Era this week.

Maddie’s solo rehearsal went a little better.  She’s Maddie, after all.

And Christi is Christi, after all, so she was right back to chewing on Melissa’s neck about whatever and whoever as soon as Mom came upstairs.

They weren’t supposed to run solos.  But Abby’s running Maddie’s.  So you know she won’t run Chloe’s.  Blah blah.  My kids are not your concern.  White Trash.  Boss Sleeper Arounder.  Then somebody said “Bitch” about 100 times.

And then it was the whole pick up your Bratz doll and sleeping bag attitude again.

Punctuated this time by Melissa’s delightfully adolescent “You wish I would die in a car accident while tweeting about One Direction and putting on mascara.”

Or something.

Gah.  Kids today.

After getting liquored up following rehearsal (…do these kids just drive themselves home now?…) everyone was back for one last day of practice and snarking up in the Perch.

Unfortunately, even after cocktails the Moms were way too sober to deal with Payton‘s Mom Leslie, who swung by with her bodyguard on the way home from Walmart.

Turns out that Payton was helping Chloe with her hip hop routine, because the best person to help a skinny little white ballerina get gangstah is a taller skinny white ballerina, right?

Don’t ask.

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And I have no idea who that other woman was who tagged along with Leslie up to the Perch, pretending she didn’t notice the cameras or the fact that Holly, Jill and Melissa were all color coordinated like a Pointer Sisters Cover Band .  Did you see that?

I’m guessing the woman with the glasses won some kind of Facebook contest or something and got to do a walk-on like they did on All My Children a couple years ago.

Look at me, baby.  Mommy’s on the television.

Leslie said that she was supporting her daughter helping Chloe and then quickly left before all the ice cream in her car started to melt.

And seriously, how perfect was it that the Lifetime people weren’t paying attention again and added in a Catering Wars pop-up promo at the bottom of the screen right then that said “The Ultimate Food Fight?”

I wish.

Melissa stormed out again at some point.  Cuz that’s kinda her thang lately.

Finally, it was Showtime!

To compensate for MackSplat not having any of Asia’s sassy “this” and “that,” Abby gave her a whirly twirly Grinch movie headpiece that boinged all over the place when she walked.  Stiffer than a Slinky, but bouncier than a pipe cleaner.  And slightly askew.

If you can’t fake sassy…werk a hat, Bitch.  And you can quote me.

Abby also changed Maddie’s Messy Housewife outfit a few times while basically stepping over Chloe before everyone hit the stage.

Mack’s solo went great, and she did that strut off the stage again that I still can’t master when I leave a room.  Peace out, haters.

Chloe danced around like every drunk chick I’ve ever met at a frat party trying to booty pop.  I’m from Delta Delta.  Wanna do shots?  I’m so wasted.

Don’t get wrong.  I love me some Chloe.  But she was set up to fail.

Maddie jumped all over the stage in her pink apron like some bat s*** crazy DC Cupcake Lady all wired up from licking one too many beater bowls.  Gimme more sugar!  She nailed it, though.

Even when her little pink cartoon apron top fell down, she took a (…bowl…) licking and kept on ticking.

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From here on out is was basically the Maddie Show until the credits rolled.

Abby loved Maddie’s solo even though she had an apron malfunction.  Christi pointed out that Abby had an emotional melt down when Chloe’s headpiece fell over her eyeballs a few seasons ago, but yet had nothing negative to say about Maddie flashing her baked goods on stage.  Really?

Insert random Christi eye roll here:  ______________!

After the group routine, Abby stated that she had only watched Maddie.  Not her backup dancers.

Even when they took First Place in the group category Abby never looked up from that iPhone with the “Save Those Tears…” sticker long enough to recognize any of the other girls.  She thought it was crap that Maddie had only gotten 2nd Place in her solo, and she didn’t want to play anymore.

I guess she was doing her own version of a Sit-In.  But she sits all the time, so I couldn’t be certain what was really happening.

Backstage it was more Christi vs. Melissa vs. Tap vs. Hip Hop dramz.  I don’t know if it was the same episode or another repeat.  Jill had another hairdo, but it was one I’d seen before, so I got all confused.

This week, it was Melissa who uttered the contractually required “That’s it.  I’m done.  I’m so over it.” before slamming her suitcase and taking the mandatory Walk of Shame past the lockers.

I think they need a new gimmick.

Or maybe just freakin’ bring back Kristie.  How’z ’bout dat?

Don’t make me keep saying it.

Abby hugged Maddie, who had started to cry a few Precious Moments tears before being swallowed up by Abby’s ample bosoms like Star Trek‘s Enterprise when it gets sucked into a Klingon Black Hole.

In Dance, no one can hear you scream.

And then it was over.

Let’s just say that those Lifetime execs are darn lucky that I saw Kristie in the previews for next time or it wouldn’t have been pretty.

Put yo’ hands up, cuz next week LA is back in the house!

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Dance Moms: They Say That There’s No Room For Any Rotten Apples, But Cathy Just Hijacked The Show Again.

Wednesday, June 26th, 2013

2Don’t touch that dial or adjust your television set.

You’re not on the wrong channel.

The show formally known as Dance Moms was back again this week.  Sorta.

Or as I like to call it…the second installment of the Candy Apples Variety Show was back again this week.

Due to the combination of somebody in the Lifetime back offices having some noticeably poor planning and organizational skills when it comes to juggling two different Abby Lee Miller show tapings, and someone else’s hot mess of an idea to blatantly cross promote the two shows as long as there’s leftover B-Roll, America was once again subjected to a full hour of commercials for Abby’s Ultimate Dance Competition.

And the Ohio Department of Tourism, of course.

That should explain your confusion if you tuned in after the opening credits.

It probably also explains the slowdown in your internet speed, because not since that North by NorthWest Kardashian Baby popped out last week has the Twitterverse encountered such a firestorm of opinion.

If you were looking for…I don’t know…the actual Dance Moms this week, you came to the wrong place.  This was Candy Apples territory.  Again.

And all those little tweeny boppers who made the switch from Pretty Little Liars to Lifetime weren’t happy at all.

Now I’m all about good marketing and promoting your shiz so we all remember to reset our DVRs when Dance Moms finishes up the season.  I get it.

My biggest concern is that by the time we get back to Pittsburgh and the ALDC, these kids who have been MIA for the majority of this month are probably going to have already graduated college and gotten jobs in summer stock theater somewhere.

What if they don’t even have braces anymore?

And don’t even get me started on two weeks without my girl Kristie Ray.

Not acceptable.

I expect a call from Lifetime explaining how they plan to make up for this error, and what I’m supposed to do with all these “I Heart Kristie” t-shirts I was planning to put up on eBay today.  I even used glitter glue, fercryinoutloud.

Clearly I should just put her face on a milk carton and hope someone has seen her wandering the cold, lonely streets of PA looking for the ALDC cameras.

Don’t get me wrong.  We love the conflict and hissy fits and water fights between Chaos Cathy Nesbitt-Stein and the Moms.  But a full hour?  Twice?

It was called Batman & Robin for a reason. Not The Penguin Show.

So according to my dedicated online research, which could potentially get me flagged as a creeper if anyone actually knew which chat rooms I checked up on after the show (…I used to read books, you know. Now I just make sure to delete my laptop history and go to bed…) it’s clear that the majority of you did some channel surfing during the episode.

And despite all the Moms, and one DadMom, being 2nd string this week…there were still a few chuckles.  And you know I like the chuckles.

So I give you the Pittsburgh Quickie.

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All the highlights that you may have missed while you were complaining online somewhere or checking in with that Spice Girl on America’s Got Talent.

And, yes…little Sophia Lucia was even spotted on AGT spinning around behind the curtains.  How many more stages does that little kid really need to pee on before she marks her turf in all fifty states?

But I digress.

We’re here to catch up on Dance Moms in under 5 minutes.

As soon as we saw that Chaos Cathy had created a whole new agriculturally friendly Pyramid Video in Photoshop, we knew she meant business this week.  Now she just needs to have all the kids get some new headshots so she doesn’t have to keep using those creepy Facebook selfies.

Cathy and Anthony Burrell continued to butt heads all week as they prepped for the Masters of Dance competition on local docal Columbus, Ohio.  He was trying to take over as the new Candy Apple King and she wasn’t having it.  Even his constant celebrity resumé name dropping didn’t phase Cathy.  Or me.

Anthony also wanted the boys to do push ups without wetting themselves while the girls just stood around putting on makeup and talking about the lines at Sephora.

Or something like that.

Jalen’s Dad Rick called the MomCouch the “Kiss And Cry Room” which was slightly ironic, since he’s the only one who ever cries in there.  Man Up, dude.

The highlight this week was pretty much Cathy and sluggish Vivi-Anne spending some quality bonding time categorizing the 4,000 bunny statues and bunny wreaths and bunny figurines and bunny KitchenAid appliances that Cathy had crammed into her home.  Just.  Whoa.  Say NO to the bunny.

If those things ever came to life, it would be Planet of the Apes all over again.

Bunny Hoarders.  Coming this Fall to Lifetime.

The group routine was a full-on ecstasy induced Klub Kid Studio 54 routine set to the music of scenester Malik So Chic.

Bitch, please.

If you were out of the room you also missed some headwear drama when Hadley‘s little neck couldn’t support the massive Lion King accessory that Anthony had chosen for her tribal duet with Nick #2.  Who goes into a performance without a dress rehearsal?

Let’s be honest.  I don’t even go to the mall without walking around my house once or twice to make sure I look good from all angles in the Food Court.  Geez Louise.

Then some kids danced.

Amidst all the AUDC promos and sniplets of Maddie performing on the finale show, they even won some stuff.

I’m assuming that Mom Melissa must have been at Bloomingdales during the AUDC filming, because we never saw her face even once while Maddie rolled around on the floor in front of two fingered Richy Jackson and that Broadway Flashdance lady.

You remember Maddie, right?  She used to be on Dance Moms?

Oh, snap.  I went there.

And now you’re caught up.

I appears that after a quirky Oprah-looking Chatter Show next week we might finally get back to our normal drama filled hilarity at the ALDC.  Keep your fingers crossed and save those tears for your pillow.

Yeah.  I’m talking to you, Rick.

But until then, in the words of that trashy girl in high school…

Enjoy your quickie.  The first one’s free.

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Dance Moms: Time For Booty Shorts And Vodka Shots. An Apple A Day Can’t Keep Kaya And Yvette Away.

Wednesday, June 19th, 2013

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There ain’t enough booze in this bar to get me through a night with these hens. Let’s Go!

 

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Me? Nothing. Just hanging out at by some giant UDC sign, pimpin’ out my new show. Sup?

 

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Oh, yeah. That’s what I’m talkin’ about. One quick little iPad photo and Mama’s got herself a new screensaver.

 

 

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Oh. My. Gawd. Pinocchio’s shorts. You could totally see Jiminy Cricket. I’m a Real Boy Now!

 

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I didn’t pack up all my Krazy and bring it to Ohio just so you can come in 6th again. Plus I need you to find out if Anthony’s single.

 

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There is no way those Ray Guns are real. Look at those things. Holy S***.

 

 

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And I see you right up Anthony’s a**. Yeah…it’s hella fine, but have some klass. And fix yo’ damn hair, bitch.

 

 

 

Ok.

First things first.

Can we just say that Abby Lee Miller has one of the dirtiest, nastiest iPhone screens evah?  Like a science fair experiment or something.  Gross.

You know they make wipes and sprays just for that kind of thing, right?  It looked like the top of a Macy’s Clinique counter after Free Makeover Saturday.  I almost had to change the channel before my OCD really kicked into overdrive.

I also almost had to change the channel a few times because I couldn’t figure out if I was actually watching Dance Moms or not.  What was that?

At first I thought it might have been the new spin-off Candy Apples Variety Show or an Ohio Department of Tourism promotional video, because there was certainly a lot of song and dance and cow stuff going on this week.  And Chaos Cathy Nesbitt-Stein does kind of remind me of a whacky character that Carol Burnett used to play who always got a pie in the face.

Then I thought maybe it was just a relaunch of The Love Boat, because every time the door opened another famous C List celebrity was coming up the ramp with a suitcase and an attitude.  There was even a bartender getting Kristie Ray all liquored up.

(Love her, by the way.  And not nearly enough JLo this week if we’re keeping track.  I don’t feel that one scene with all the Moms slamming down shooters gave her ample opportunity to flap those earrings to their full potential.)

Then I thought maybe it was an Abby’s Ultimate Dance Competition Reunion Special, because the only thing missing was Richy Jackson‘s carved up lightening bolt hair and a fierce finger wave or two.  Werk it, Girlfriend.

That, and Robin Antin casually reminding us that she personally gave birth to all 75 of the Pussycat Dolls without an epidural, of course.

Finally, I realized that the whole thing was just a one hour commercial for the upcoming second season of Abby’s UDC and then it all made sense.

That’s what it’s called now, you know.  Abby’s UDC.  I guess someone finally realized that the old name took up too many letters on Twitter.

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This week Abby was out in Los Angeles under the pretense of “looking at real estate,” which was actually code for “filming and promoting season 2 of AUDC.”  That basically meant that anything Pittsburgh-related was pretty much abandoned for this episode and the kids could finally get caught up on their homework.

If you tuned in to see all your favorite ALDC dancers…sorry.  Ain’t gonna happen.

On the other hand, if you tuned in to see Abby’s BFF John Corella and his allegedly manscaped eyebrows be all fabulous…then it’s your lucky day.

Now the jury is still out on Abby’s Friend Who Is A Boy, and I’m not here to judge, but I will note that JC did latch onto that stripper pole like it was his day job when he and Abby checked out a potential studio.

You know when you throw a baby bird out of the nest and somehow it already knows how to fly?  It was like that.

It was also a little bit like Batman and Robin trying to slide down to the Batcave after too many Happy Hour appetizers by the time Abby took it for a spin.  There’s a reason they tell you to never look directly at the sun.  Ouch, my eyes.

Back in Ohio, Chaos Cathy was yet again creating a new team in the laboratory.  Her Boyz-Only clubhouse routines had not been quite as successful as she had hoped, so now it was time to add some estrogen back into the mix.

Zack, Jalen and NickNumeroDos were all still in the hizzle.  Zack and Nick were back because they are amazeball dancers and make Cathy look good.  Jalen’s Dad Rick is such a loose cannon that you know the producers would keep them around even if his kid couldn’t walk a straight line, but luckily Jalen can do more than just spin on his beanie head.

There were so many new faces popping up this week that we’re gonna need to pick up the pace a little.

Crazy Yvette Walts and her daughter Hadley were back for some redemption.  On last season’s AUDC, Abby had emotionaly scarred Hadley for life by calling her Roadkill after an exceptionally odd performance, and it was time for payback.

More importantly, though…Kristie hates Yvette.  And I love Kristie, especially when she blew her first ever nutty all up in Yvette’s face last season.  Hit Me!  Hit Me!  Let’s Go!

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If there really is a God of Dance…Round Two.  Yes, please.

There was also a new puffy face in the place.  Campbell and her Mom Alli.  My psychic powers told me that she was a cryer.  Stay tuned.

The third new addition was Mari and her Mom Gina D.

Two Kristies.  And now two Ginas.  Lawd.

Mom had the same kind of harsh bangs that cosmetic queen Adrien Arpel has on HSN, except that she took it up another notch by giving herself some even harsher chunky Jersey highlights.  If you’re gonna play in the salon, be in it to win it I guess.

Apparently Cathy had reinvested some of her husband’s jerky money back into her own MomPerch couch, because now the ladies (…and Rick…) all had a place to sit and get snarky.  Gina D wasted no time in pointing out that Jalen should leave the dancing to real dancers and just spin on his head right out that door and back to the street corner where he belongs, which didn’t sit well with Rick.

Unfortunately, instead of a beat down, Rick just got all pissy and ran out of the room like some teenage girl who just caught her boyfriend IMing a cheerleader.

What the hell was that, dude?  Not cool.

This week’s Candy Apples group dance was all about 1st kisses and 1st boyfriends and all that cafetorium dance nonsense.  Campbell ‘fessed up to having a boyfriend, and Jalen admitted to tripping on his hip hop hightop shoelaces and somehow landing with his tongue in a girl’s mouth or something.

Totally trying that at the grocery store this weekend.

First day of full rehearsals, and Mari was already sick and MIA.  That’s probably not a good sign.

But the silver lining in that black cloud was…well…also black.  As in Black Patsy.

Oh.  Hell.  No.  Crazy Kaya Wiley.  From the ‘Hood Wileys.

Cathy hit up Kaya on her Sidekick and got her to jump the next bus to Ohio.  The shizzle was definitely getting foshizzle, especially when Cathy explained who Black Patsy was in that kind of whispering voice that Symphony Women use when they talk about their maids behind their back.  A classic television moment.

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All the ALDC hates Black Patsy.  So bring it.

Then we squeezed in another AUDC promo, with Abby all spread out in a reclining makeup lounger right next to lap dog John, who was dialing up Jill on that greasy iPhone.  They needed a spy.  Asap.

Abby wanted Jill to pull together a small posse and go spy on the Candy Apples at the upcoming Dance U.S.A Competition while she stayed in out LA and whored out some more AUDC.

Watching John get all tweeny bop on that sticky cell while Abby laid around completely hot roller-free was just about enough for me, thank you.

OMG.  LOL.  Smiley Face.  Send.

Back in Cow Kuntry, Anthony Burrell was working on Zack and Hadley’s solos.

Hadley was hooked up with a Golden Couch number, which was some kind of gold digger and casting couch mash-up from what I could decipher.  Sassy hands and booty action.  Rockette Roadkill Redemption, haters.

Zack was going to play a puppet, which caused Anthony to go on for days about this top secret costume like he was having an Oscar de la Renta couture moment.

(Shout out to Rachel Zoe.  This puppet dance was gonna be maj.)

And then Black Patsy and her daughter Nicaya arrived on the scene and I went to Heaven for a few minutes.  I can’t get enough of that crazy bitch.

Go back and watch your DVR, paying special attention to Gina D. when she cups her hand over her mouth like she’s never seen a…you know.  I can’t.  I won’t.  I can’t even describe the moment without risk of upsetting at least three different ethnic groups and/or alternative lifestyles.

Just watch and enjoy.  If we could have actually seen Gina D’s eyebrows, you know they would have been up on the top of her skull.

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I just can’t.

The thing I love most about Kaya is that she was born with no filter.  Just one straight pipe from her brain to her mouth.  And proud of it as she started right in on everyone.

Cathy then cut Campbell from the group number and the tiny dancer cried.  I called it.

Or at least I think she cried.  There was some kind of high pitched noise that only dogs could hear, and she looked pretty sad.  So I’m going to go with crying.

Finally, it was Showtime!  And Vivi-Anne Time!  Because you know Cathy always throws that little spaz inside her Louis bag whenever she goes on a road trip.

And again…why does this kid not have her own show by now?  It’s not like I’m asking for an elaborately scripted multi-episode production.  I’m just saying let her walk in front of the camera with a mouthful of Dubble Bubble, yawn a few times and then cut to commercial.

That kid is gold, I tell you.

And then there was Zack’s puppet outfit.

Seriously.  All that was missing were tube socks and construction boots and the poor kid could have high kicked himself right into an episode of Dateline.

Bow-chicka-bow-wow.  Help yourself to the lemonade.  I’ll be right down.

Even Vivi-Anne woke up for that crotch shot, until she realized it wasn’t really a package of Rolos in Zack’s shorts.  WTF Anthony?

Zack cried big puppet tears that almost smeared his red circle puppet cheeks.  Mom Gina cried little soap opera tears with that corner eye dab thing she does so well and then Anthony got mad that everyone was dissing the booty shorts.

Just say No.  One good lie in those shorts, and Pinocchio would be sent away to military school for four years.

And then Jill, Holly and Kelly burst into the Candy Apples dressing room like a SWAT team and came face to face with Holly’s Evil doppelgänger.

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Or at least Kelly thought so, because she swore Black Patsy’s new blouse and weave were an exact rip-off of Holly’s signature look.

Right.  You just keep telling yourself that, honey.  Have another cocktail.

As the Candy Apples hit the stage, Jill reported back to Abby via that gnarly touch screen.  Conveniently enough, Abby took the call in the AUDC auditorium.  Then Abby called back home to PA to make sure her studio hadn’t burned to the ground.

Conveniently enough this time, Abby made the call while posed seductively in front of a giant UDC float with giant UDC letters that were taller than the Hollywood sign.

Ok.  We get it.  Our DVRs are set.

And as long as we’re talking bad editing, can we make a note that every time they showed Abby’s touchscreen she was holding it in the wrong hand and not the one she was actually using to talk with during the scene?  Can we?

Yeah.  Bad editing is right up there with gooey iPhone glass on my Hit List.  Just.  No.

Hadley did some gold digging across the stage and Zack, thankfully, put on some pants before lifting his leg on national television.

Then some kids won some stuff.

Hold up.  What was Vivi-Anne doing on stage for the awards ceremony?  Did she just wander out there looking for the vending machine?  I know that low blood sugar can get you a little disoriented if you don’t have a juice box within the first 30 seconds.

And why was she dressed in the same three quarter sleeve fur top that Jacqueline Kennedy wore during a 1962 news interview with Walter Cronkite?

We finished off the AUDC Candy Apples Love Boat Variety Show Commercial with Kaya getting all ‘hood on anyone who came within her orbit.

She called out Yvette for being a whackadoodle and sucking up to Anthony’s fine tight a** and called the ALDC Moms all stalkers for creeping all the way to Ohio.

Oh, yeah.  It got cray cray in the hallway.

And then this totally happened…

d8


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