There ain’t enough booze in this bar to get me through a night with these hens. Let’s Go!
Me? Nothing. Just hanging out at by some giant UDC sign, pimpin’ out my new show. Sup?
Oh, yeah. That’s what I’m talkin’ about. One quick little iPad photo and Mama’s got herself a new screensaver.
Oh. My. Gawd. Pinocchio’s shorts. You could totally see Jiminy Cricket. I’m a Real Boy Now!
I didn’t pack up all my Krazy and bring it to Ohio just so you can come in 6th again. Plus I need you to find out if Anthony’s single.
There is no way those Ray Guns are real. Look at those things. Holy S***.
And I see you right up Anthony’s a**. Yeah…it’s hella fine, but have some klass. And fix yo’ damn hair, bitch.
First things first.
Can we just say that Abby Lee Miller has one of the dirtiest, nastiest iPhone screens evah? Like a science fair experiment or something. Gross.
You know they make wipes and sprays just for that kind of thing, right? It looked like the top of a Macy’s Clinique counter after Free Makeover Saturday. I almost had to change the channel before my OCD really kicked into overdrive.
I also almost had to change the channel a few times because I couldn’t figure out if I was actually watching Dance Moms or not. What was that?
At first I thought it might have been the new spin-off Candy Apples Variety Show or an Ohio Department of Tourism promotional video, because there was certainly a lot of song and dance and cow stuff going on this week. And Chaos Cathy Nesbitt-Stein does kind of remind me of a whacky character that Carol Burnett used to play who always got a pie in the face.
Then I thought maybe it was just a relaunch of The Love Boat, because every time the door opened another famous C List celebrity was coming up the ramp with a suitcase and an attitude. There was even a bartender getting Kristie Ray all liquored up.
(Love her, by the way. And not nearly enough JLo this week if we’re keeping track. I don’t feel that one scene with all the Moms slamming down shooters gave her ample opportunity to flap those earrings to their full potential.)
Then I thought maybe it was an Abby’s Ultimate Dance Competition Reunion Special, because the only thing missing was Richy Jackson‘s carved up lightening bolt hair and a fierce finger wave or two. Werk it, Girlfriend.
That, and Robin Antin casually reminding us that she personally gave birth to all 75 of the Pussycat Dolls without an epidural, of course.
Finally, I realized that the whole thing was just a one hour commercial for the upcoming second season of Abby’s UDC and then it all made sense.
That’s what it’s called now, you know. Abby’s UDC. I guess someone finally realized that the old name took up too many letters on Twitter.
This week Abby was out in Los Angeles under the pretense of “looking at real estate,” which was actually code for “filming and promoting season 2 of AUDC.” That basically meant that anything Pittsburgh-related was pretty much abandoned for this episode and the kids could finally get caught up on their homework.
If you tuned in to see all your favorite ALDC dancers…sorry. Ain’t gonna happen.
On the other hand, if you tuned in to see Abby’s BFF John Corella and his allegedly manscaped eyebrows be all fabulous…then it’s your lucky day.
Now the jury is still out on Abby’s Friend Who Is A Boy, and I’m not here to judge, but I will note that JC did latch onto that stripper pole like it was his day job when he and Abby checked out a potential studio.
You know when you throw a baby bird out of the nest and somehow it already knows how to fly? It was like that.
It was also a little bit like Batman and Robin trying to slide down to the Batcave after too many Happy Hour appetizers by the time Abby took it for a spin. There’s a reason they tell you to never look directly at the sun. Ouch, my eyes.
Back in Ohio, Chaos Cathy was yet again creating a new team in the laboratory. Her Boyz-Only clubhouse routines had not been quite as successful as she had hoped, so now it was time to add some estrogen back into the mix.
Zack, Jalen and NickNumeroDos were all still in the hizzle. Zack and Nick were back because they are amazeball dancers and make Cathy look good. Jalen’s Dad Rick is such a loose cannon that you know the producers would keep them around even if his kid couldn’t walk a straight line, but luckily Jalen can do more than just spin on his beanie head.
There were so many new faces popping up this week that we’re gonna need to pick up the pace a little.
Crazy Yvette Walts and her daughter Hadley were back for some redemption. On last season’s AUDC, Abby had emotionaly scarred Hadley for life by calling her Roadkill after an exceptionally odd performance, and it was time for payback.
More importantly, though…Kristie hates Yvette. And I love Kristie, especially when she blew her first ever nutty all up in Yvette’s face last season. Hit Me! Hit Me! Let’s Go!
If there really is a God of Dance…Round Two. Yes, please.
There was also a new puffy face in the place. Campbell and her Mom Alli. My psychic powers told me that she was a cryer. Stay tuned.
The third new addition was Mari and her Mom Gina D.
Two Kristies. And now two Ginas. Lawd.
Mom had the same kind of harsh bangs that cosmetic queen Adrien Arpel has on HSN, except that she took it up another notch by giving herself some even harsher chunky Jersey highlights. If you’re gonna play in the salon, be in it to win it I guess.
Apparently Cathy had reinvested some of her husband’s jerky money back into her own MomPerch couch, because now the ladies (…and Rick…) all had a place to sit and get snarky. Gina D wasted no time in pointing out that Jalen should leave the dancing to real dancers and just spin on his head right out that door and back to the street corner where he belongs, which didn’t sit well with Rick.
Unfortunately, instead of a beat down, Rick just got all pissy and ran out of the room like some teenage girl who just caught her boyfriend IMing a cheerleader.
What the hell was that, dude? Not cool.
This week’s Candy Apples group dance was all about 1st kisses and 1st boyfriends and all that cafetorium dance nonsense. Campbell ‘fessed up to having a boyfriend, and Jalen admitted to tripping on his hip hop hightop shoelaces and somehow landing with his tongue in a girl’s mouth or something.
Totally trying that at the grocery store this weekend.
First day of full rehearsals, and Mari was already sick and MIA. That’s probably not a good sign.
But the silver lining in that black cloud was…well…also black. As in Black Patsy.
Oh. Hell. No. Crazy Kaya Wiley. From the ‘Hood Wileys.
Cathy hit up Kaya on her Sidekick and got her to jump the next bus to Ohio. The shizzle was definitely getting foshizzle, especially when Cathy explained who Black Patsy was in that kind of whispering voice that Symphony Women use when they talk about their maids behind their back. A classic television moment.
All the ALDC hates Black Patsy. So bring it.
Then we squeezed in another AUDC promo, with Abby all spread out in a reclining makeup lounger right next to lap dog John, who was dialing up Jill on that greasy iPhone. They needed a spy. Asap.
Abby wanted Jill to pull together a small posse and go spy on the Candy Apples at the upcoming Dance U.S.A Competition while she stayed in out LA and whored out some more AUDC.
Watching John get all tweeny bop on that sticky cell while Abby laid around completely hot roller-free was just about enough for me, thank you.
OMG. LOL. Smiley Face. Send.
Back in Cow Kuntry, Anthony Burrell was working on Zack and Hadley’s solos.
Hadley was hooked up with a Golden Couch number, which was some kind of gold digger and casting couch mash-up from what I could decipher. Sassy hands and booty action. Rockette Roadkill Redemption, haters.
Zack was going to play a puppet, which caused Anthony to go on for days about this top secret costume like he was having an Oscar de la Renta couture moment.
(Shout out to Rachel Zoe. This puppet dance was gonna be maj.)
And then Black Patsy and her daughter Nicaya arrived on the scene and I went to Heaven for a few minutes. I can’t get enough of that crazy bitch.
Go back and watch your DVR, paying special attention to Gina D. when she cups her hand over her mouth like she’s never seen a…you know. I can’t. I won’t. I can’t even describe the moment without risk of upsetting at least three different ethnic groups and/or alternative lifestyles.
Just watch and enjoy. If we could have actually seen Gina D’s eyebrows, you know they would have been up on the top of her skull.
I just can’t.
The thing I love most about Kaya is that she was born with no filter. Just one straight pipe from her brain to her mouth. And proud of it as she started right in on everyone.
Cathy then cut Campbell from the group number and the tiny dancer cried. I called it.
Or at least I think she cried. There was some kind of high pitched noise that only dogs could hear, and she looked pretty sad. So I’m going to go with crying.
Finally, it was Showtime! And Vivi-Anne Time! Because you know Cathy always throws that little spaz inside her Louis bag whenever she goes on a road trip.
And again…why does this kid not have her own show by now? It’s not like I’m asking for an elaborately scripted multi-episode production. I’m just saying let her walk in front of the camera with a mouthful of Dubble Bubble, yawn a few times and then cut to commercial.
That kid is gold, I tell you.
And then there was Zack’s puppet outfit.
Seriously. All that was missing were tube socks and construction boots and the poor kid could have high kicked himself right into an episode of Dateline.
Bow-chicka-bow-wow. Help yourself to the lemonade. I’ll be right down.
Even Vivi-Anne woke up for that crotch shot, until she realized it wasn’t really a package of Rolos in Zack’s shorts. WTF Anthony?
Zack cried big puppet tears that almost smeared his red circle puppet cheeks. Mom Gina cried little soap opera tears with that corner eye dab thing she does so well and then Anthony got mad that everyone was dissing the booty shorts.
Just say No. One good lie in those shorts, and Pinocchio would be sent away to military school for four years.
And then Jill, Holly and Kelly burst into the Candy Apples dressing room like a SWAT team and came face to face with Holly’s Evil doppelgänger.
Or at least Kelly thought so, because she swore Black Patsy’s new blouse and weave were an exact rip-off of Holly’s signature look.
Right. You just keep telling yourself that, honey. Have another cocktail.
As the Candy Apples hit the stage, Jill reported back to Abby via that gnarly touch screen. Conveniently enough, Abby took the call in the AUDC auditorium. Then Abby called back home to PA to make sure her studio hadn’t burned to the ground.
Conveniently enough this time, Abby made the call while posed seductively in front of a giant UDC float with giant UDC letters that were taller than the Hollywood sign.
Ok. We get it. Our DVRs are set.
And as long as we’re talking bad editing, can we make a note that every time they showed Abby’s touchscreen she was holding it in the wrong hand and not the one she was actually using to talk with during the scene? Can we?
Yeah. Bad editing is right up there with gooey iPhone glass on my Hit List. Just. No.
Hadley did some gold digging across the stage and Zack, thankfully, put on some pants before lifting his leg on national television.
Then some kids won some stuff.
Hold up. What was Vivi-Anne doing on stage for the awards ceremony? Did she just wander out there looking for the vending machine? I know that low blood sugar can get you a little disoriented if you don’t have a juice box within the first 30 seconds.
And why was she dressed in the same three quarter sleeve fur top that Jacqueline Kennedy wore during a 1962 news interview with Walter Cronkite?
We finished off the AUDC Candy Apples Love Boat Variety Show Commercial with Kaya getting all ‘hood on anyone who came within her orbit.
She called out Yvette for being a whackadoodle and sucking up to Anthony’s fine tight a** and called the ALDC Moms all stalkers for creeping all the way to Ohio.
Oh, yeah. It got cray cray in the hallway.
And then this totally happened…