Archive for the ‘Reality Television’ Category

The Kimye Wedding Extravaganza: He Likes Big Butts And He Cannot Lie. For The Love Of Kanye…Make It Stop.

Monday, May 26th, 2014


Forgive me if I’m a little emotional, but I always get choked up when someone gets a do over wedding.  Especially when they haven’t spent all the profits from the last one yet.


Kimye got married this weekend.  Finally.  And it was everything you’d expect from a one hit wonder porn star and the drunk guy who snatched Taylor Swift‘s microphone.

ÒRoyal wedding of Prince William of Wales to Catherine Middleto

Her dress was not from Sears, even though I totally saw four racks of markdown Kardashian Kollection stuff in her size next to the lawn mower department last week.


The place was packed with all kinds of celebrity types in their designer clothes.  Except for Beyoncé, who decided to blow off the event at the last minute.


Kim’s bro Rob Kardashian also bailed after some top secret family dramzz. He seemed pretty upset in the airport, so I won’t make any jokes about his weight right now.


Everyone that stuck around got to eat some really fancy food off a gigantic menu that somebody probably had to read to Kendall.  Cuz she’s like totally the worst reader.


Even Will Smith‘s kid was there.  Jaden might have a little sumthin sumthin going on with Kylie Jenner but he’s not in most of her hoochie Instagram shots, so I dunno fo’ sho.


Step Dad Bruce Jenner walked Kim down the aisle at the Forte di Belvedere.  Dude should be getting pretty good at that by now.  Practice makes perfect.


And now Kim and Kanye are married.  F’realz.  Maybe they’ll even go away for awhile, because I think I speak for most everyone when it comes to these Kardashian people…

tumblr_inline_n4ecy51X051ry3wlgCongratulations, Kimye.  Love you more.


Bring It! Bonus: A Jackson Quickie. Go Behind The Battles And Let Dianna Get You All Caught Up On The Good Stuff.

Saturday, May 17th, 2014



No more Bring It!…?

Aw Hell Nah.  Now what?

Psych.  We wouldn’t leave you hanging.

There was a little bit of milk left in the cow this week, so Lifetime squeezed out one more serving just to get us through until Dianna Williams & Co. return for Round Two.

Miss D gave us a behind the scenes opportunity to catch up on everything that’s been going on down at the Dollhouse Dance Factory since they burst onto our television screens.  For only ten episodes they sure have covered a lot of ground.

Most of it apparently just going back and forth to Memphis, but you get the idea.

But I know you’re all busy.

So with apologies to my girls, here’s the entire first season of Bring It! in under two minutes.  Probably less for those of you who always skim my stuff anyway.

You know who you are.

A Jackson Quickie, so to speak.  But the clean non-puppet kind.

No Stinky Divas.  No fluff.  No filler.  Just the meaty Mississippi goodness.  All in short, easy to follow sniglets for you Twitter types who are already losing your focus.


The Dancing Doll Parents.

Proof that with unconditional love, total support and some pretty fly silk screened t-shirts your kids can follow their dreams no matter where they lead.

Nobody loves you like yo’ Mama and yo’ Baby Daddy.

And I wear a size Medium if anybody wants to hook a brother up.  Red’s my color.


This slideshow requires JavaScript.

The Dancing Dolls.

Without them, the DDPs wouldn’t have much to do.

So shout out to Kayla, Camryn, Sunjai and Crystianna…the girls who help make it all happen every time their Team hits the floor.

And PS…it’s not “Dee Dee Four EL.”

It’s “DD4ELLLLLLLLLL!!”  Mmmkay?



This slideshow requires JavaScript.

And how about those Mamas?

Insane.  But the good kind of insane.

Wearing weaves and headgear made out of material previously only available to NASA scientists, these ladies can show us all a thing or two about family values and losing your nutty at an awards ceremony.

Trust me.  They’ll snatch yo’ wig and yo’ heart if you’re not careful.

Love.  Them.  Dotcom.


This slideshow requires JavaScript.

The Baby Dancing Dolls.

Shut.  Up.

I don’t know what’s in those juice boxes, but these little niblets can lay it down like nobody’s bidnezz once the music starts playing.

Proving that you can never have too many Kaylas in your life, Captain K2 can throw Stands like it’s her day job.  If she was old enough to work, I mean.

And sassy, spunky OhNoSheBetterDon’t Taelar?

She is Slap Yo’ Mama cute.

And maybe yo’ Mama’s Mama, too.  I just can’t.


This slideshow requires JavaScript.

But it wasn’t all just dancing.

We also got fashion tips from the Prancing Tigerettes.

Clearly, I have yet to master the Jerseylicous/Pee Wee Herman combo platter.

Even though Obama doesn’t carry his phone around as much as Quincy does, this dude is straight up awesome sauce.

Call me, buddy.  It’s in your right ear if you’re looking for it.


And this happened a lot.

pupSo there have it.

Everything you missed.  Kinda.  Sorta.

Now we just enjoy the summer and wait for Miss D and the gang to buck back into our lives again.  Hopefully sooner than later.

Catch y’all at the next Battle.

Wave Buh Bye, Taelar.



Bring It! Reunion: They Were Off The Sidewalks And On The Comfy Couch. Miss D And The Moms Break It Down.

Saturday, May 10th, 2014




It’s like I always say. Drop the beatz and a Daddy’s gotta Nae Nae when a Daddy’s gotta Nae Nae.






Mama’s not gonna lie, JJ. One more song and I woulda been all up on that Soul Train caboose.






I think you all know where this one got her moves. You wanna Frosty shake with that or nah?






I swear. If one more person tweets about m’ dress I’m gonna snatch Tina’s wig and hurt somebody.






Lawd have mercy. The chat rooms were right. This crazy bitch really does think she’s Beyoncé…






It was just a damn puppet show. Like Pinocchio or Punch and VaJayJay. Relax, girlfriend.



Pinocchio_l1 2



Imma gon’ need you to be a good little puppet and close yo’ legs, cuz that s*** just nasty.




Gurrrrl, pleez.  Have a seat.

A couple of them, actually.  You can all sit down.

Dat’s rite.  The Real Housewives of Jackson are in the hizzle, yo.

After almost breaking the internet over the past two months, the girls (…and boyeee…) of Lifetime’s Hip Hop Majorette Phenom Bring It! hit the couches this week for their first ever Reunion Show.  And they hit it hard.

Part Dance Moms.  Part Soul Train.  Part VH1.  Part any movie that starts with the words “Tyler Perry’s blah blah blah…,” this show has clearly grabbed America by its extensions and won’t let go.  So what better time than now to get your hair did, put on some fancy clothes, come in off the sidewalk and break it all down for the rest of us.

Hosted by Kim Coles (…who’s probably best known for being seriously HIGHlarious back in the day on FOX’s In Living Color and then letting her hair go all squiggly wiggly natural like it had a mind of its own after the show ended…) the Reunion hit the ground running with the Moms already lined up on the couch à la Andy Cohen.

Dang, gurlz.  You clean up nice.


After about nine weeks of winter jackets, Mickey Mouse hats and some unbeweavable moments of coiffured chaos (…remember the episode when my girl Tina‘s hair actually spent more time on the ground than on her head?…) it was a hoot to see all the ladies looking so fly.  Cuz you know I love me some DDPs.

The tracks were on point, the edges were laid, the Yaki wasn’t jacked and I have no idea what I’m talking about.  But someone tweeted it during the show with a smiley face after the sentence, so it must be a good thang.

Moral of the Story:  The ladies looked fine.  Lots of color.  Loads of color, actually.  And just enough crazy prints to give you the same kind of spots in front of your eyes that you get after a camera flash goes off at a birthday party.

Tina and Rittany were rocking’ some seriously bold fabrics that I couldn’t look at for very long, but they twerked it.

Seriously…stay tuned.  They twerked it.  I swear.

Neighborhood Stealth Spy Drone Mimi‘s dress was a little more of a Springtime plaid that somehow got the Twitterverse all wound up for whatever reason.  And Seloncé busted out one of those Kim Zolciak Atlanta pageant gowns with the midsection cutaways that only look good on women with 0% body fat.


Trust me.  Nobody wants to look like a human Play-Do factory squishing out multi-colored sausages while you’re screaming at NeNe Leakes.  Luckily, Seloncé doesn’t keep donuts in the house so she never poked out of her dress and therefore retained the title of ‘Hot Mom’ for another week.

Coach Dianna “Miss D” Williams led the fashion parade all strapless and curled up as Kim asked her how she balances being a Coach with being a Mom.

We got to see the softer side of Dianna as she revealed that every once in awhile she has an over achiever meltdown and just needs to go hide somewhere and cry.  Part of me could feel her pain.  The other part of me just decided to lower my expectations and have fewer attainable goals in life.  Problem solved.

We also found out that Dianna had tried out for a college majorette team a number of times but never made the final cut, which was the catalyst to opening up her own dance bidnezz.  Turning a failure into a win, as they say.

Kim took us on a quick flashback through some of Miss D’s more memorable coaching moments (…“You ain’t Nicki Minaj!”…) and then introduced the Dancing Dolls themselves, who busted out a quick field show on the other side of the room.

Kayla! Sunjai!  Camryn!  Crystianna!

After they finished the routine, each girl demonstrated a particular dance move as Dianna explained what was happening.


Cat Jump.  Death Drop.  Elbow Cartwheel.  And a Rollover Into A Backbend.

Sidenote:  When the EMTs pull my unconscious body from my building next week, tell them I was trying the second one, please.

The Dolls then scooched over onto the couches and relived some classic Mom Moments, including Rittany saying ‘Ridikilus’ and Tina’s ‘Public Service Announcement’ about cashing Reality Checks.

And there might have been a wig snatch up in there somewhere, too.  I died a little.

Love.  These.  Moms.  Period.  End of sentence.

Oh.  And Seloncé’s a grandmother, by the way.

Baby at 14.  Granny by 30.  Lawd ha’ mercy.  That kind of just came out of nowhere, but that’s what makes this show such a scream.  Don’t look away for a second.

When we came back from a commercial break the Moms had all been dipped in some kind of radioactive-resistant superhero liquid nylon and were running around in skintight bodysuits (…Pixar’s newest The Boughetto Incredibles?…) getting ready to dance.

I know, right?  Dancing DDPs.  Shut.  Up.

After a quick team twerk, each Mom hit the center stage spotlight like they were back on American Bandstand.  Rittany got in about 5 seconds of buh-buh-boogie before Seloncé took over the floor and proved that Grandmas do Run The World, Girls.


Honestly, I assumed the rest of the hour was just going to be Seloncé dancing around in a circle, because I had no idea how anyone was going to get her to stop.  But eventually Tina got the hook and brought her own brand of Wendy’s milkshake to the yard.

Boom.  Boom.  And Pow.

That was no jam.  Or jelly.  That was straight up Tina on a cracker, ya’ll.

And that wig wasn’t going nowhere tonight.  It was tight.  And right.  And whipping around like she was one of Charlie’s Angels chasing bad guys on a moped.

Mimi finished the whole thing off with a dance that started out looking like she was just going to carry a laundry basket down cellar but then ended up a lot funkier when she did a one handed upside down kinda thing.  Truth.  These Mamas got it going on.

Don’t even get me started on Tina’s Fat Girl Shuffle.  Call me, Girl.

In true Dance Moms fashion, we then had a few more minutes of Mother/Daughter bonding (…complete with a Stand Battle!..) and then Kim brought out the Evil Nemesis from the opposing dance company.

Neva McGruder.  From the Divas Of Olive Branch.  Aw Hell Nah.


Move over Candy Apples.  This is how you get under someone’s skin.

Wearing every animal print known to still be out there in the Wild, Neva came on stage and immediately started pushing all of Miss D’s buttons.

As you’ll recall, the Divas and the Dolls had not been feeling the Love for awhile.  They faced each other a number of times during the season.  In Stand Battles.  In Street Battles.  And sometimes on their backs with their legs spread wide open like hoochies.

Oh.  Yeah.  The Stinky Divas.  Now you remember?

Basically, it pretty much spiraled out of control in front of Kim as soon as Neva confronted Dianna about comments she had made regarding the Divas laying back like old fashioned bunny ear TV antennas and flashing their naughty bit channel knobs to the crowd.

During the original episode, Dianna had said “What is this?  A strip club?” after seeing the girls all…you know.  And now Neva felt it necessary to drag out Dianna’s past and accuse her of pulling the Divas back into ‘That World’ with her comments.

Umm.  That World?  Yikes.

Neva got all defensive.  Dianna got all Hashtag: GirlBye.  And then Kim looked for the panic button under the arm of her chair.


The award for Best Line Of The Night And Maybe The Century went to Neva when she claimed that the entire routine was meant to be a cutesie puppet move.

Puppet.  Move.

One.  I hope she meant ‘Marionette,’ because I don’t know anyone who’s gonna stick their hand up inside those puppets and make ’em talk.

And Two.  A Puppet Move?  #GirlBye.

I’m not even going to mention that Neva snuck in one last WTF by pointing out that it’s impossible to dance without spreading your legs.  I’m not.  So don’t ask me.

Please.  Someone save us from this madness.

Someone like JJ!

Complete with a fully charged Sidekick on his belt, Sunjai’s Dancing Baby Daddy hit the lights.  Because a Daddy’s gotta do what a Daddy’s gotta do.

And clearly, what a Daddy’s gotta do is the Nae Nae.  Because he did it.

Youtube it if you don’t believe me.  It’s the latest rage with all the kids.


Dude can dance.  James Junior was in da house to show all the ladies how it’s done and werked it like George Jefferson used to do when there were no customers inside the dry cleaning store.

Tina just ’bout fell out of her seat.  Hard.  I said Call me, Girl.  What’s the hold up?

JJ represented the supportive daddy contingent like a Boss.  He loves his baby and will go to the ends of the earth (…and most every competition…) to show Sunjai that she’s his princess.  Cuz, you know…a Daddy’s gotta do…

As the clocked ticked down, there was just enough time to bring out everyone’s favorites…The Baby Dancing Dolls!

Seriously.  These little niblets.  I just can’t.

So cute.  So sassy.  And 90% weave.  These tiny bottle rockets are pure gold and hit their marks just like the Big Girls.  They’re so tiny and so fast it’s almost like trying to watch a bug when it’s caught between your window and the screen.  They need their own Nickelodeon spin-off show asap.  Maybe it could even be animated.

Because that would be awe…some.

(See what can happen when you don’t spend all night on your PS4, kids?)

We even got to interview tiny Destini and Taelar.  (Nice to see that someone is still getting some use out of the old Toddlers & Tiaras Name Generating Machine.  I hated to see that thing go to waste when TLC cancelled the show.)


They both held their microphones like they were Whitney Houston and you need to watch that segment over and over every time you feel sad, because the Baby Dolls are exceptionally smile-inducing on a bad day.

And then it was over already.

I guess they edited out some other lady who was shown in a bunch of promo photos, because they never showed her…or her chair…during the entire show.  I’m too lazy to Google it, so I guess it’ll just be one more urban legend that will probably outlive us all.

Before she shut the whole thing down, Kim tried to get some scoop on the recently announced second season, but Dianna wasn’t giving away no dirt for free.  No way.

So I guess we’ll all have to come back later this Summer and see wassup with the Dolls.

The Big Ones and the Little Ones.

I’ve already got my spot on the Dollhouse sidewalk reserved.  I’ll be right there getting my Krazy on with all the Moms if you need me.

But for now…just pat it, snatch it, wash it and then hang it out to dry.

That way it’ll be fresh and ready to go for a whole new season of Bring It! that’s just around the corner.

See you then, mmmkay?



%d bloggers like this: