Archive for the ‘Reality Television’ Category

Dance Moms: Let’s Just Send In The Clones. When It Comes To The Candy Apples, Two Can Play This Game.

Wednesday, January 8th, 2014

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Then I told Leslie to save those tears for her pillow and to return that Walmart dress. Girl, please.

 

 

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Shake the nerves or I’m taking your pink iPhone and you’ll be waiting overnight in a tent at the Apple Store for a new one.

 

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Yo! Frazier! Over here! Lovin’ the new weave! Woot Woot! You werk it, Gurrrl!

 

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MmmMmm. Dang, that McGrath boy is a fine piece o’ sweet candy. Mama Kaya’s kinda liking all that.

 

 

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Honk.

 

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Ok, Baby. Tell me if they’re still looking. I know those bitches be hatin’ on my new Dr. Beyoncé look.

 

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Yeah. I think I’m all set with hearing about this damn makeover. We get it. She bought hot rollers. Call CNN.

 

 

 

Game On.

Hope you packed your bags and your milking stools, kids.

Dance Moms is heading to Ohio this week…and you know what that means.

After a short summer break to soak their feet and tighten some orthodontics, the ALDC girls are finally back in business for another competition season and ready to do whatever it takes to retain their National Champion status.  Especially when they cross state lines into Candy Apples territory.

The tiny dancers may have lost some of their baby teeth during their time off, but they didn’t lose their hunger to be Number One.  Even that awkward soap opera growth spurt that a few of them encountered between seasons (…I really thought that at least one of the girls was going to be played by a new, older actress like they do on General Hospital when the producers warp speed a kid through 12 birthdays during a commercial break…) wasn’t going to stop them from their goal of Dance Supremacy.

Unfortunately, their first showing of the new season hadn’t really been anything to write home about.  Last week’s Third Place trophy wasn’t sitting well with Abby Lee Miller as they all rolled into the studio for the second Pyramid of Shame.

Clearly, the kids were a little nervous.

And clearly, Abby was now making up for years and years of pre-Dance Moms anonymity by never leaving the house without a full coat of celebrity makeup and hairspray.

(Is it just me?  Remember Season One? Who was that woman with the flat hair and the plastic headband?  Save those tears…and that foundation…for your pillow, honey.)

This week everyone was headed back to Ohio for another face to face meeting with Chaos Cathy Nesbitt-Stein and her revolving door dance team.

As Abby once again messed with the girls heads by pointing out that any of the upcoming Open Auditions could potentially deliver replacements for the current team before their little bodies were even cold, we were treated to a few more Best Of Cathy flashbacks to bring us all up to speed.

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You know the ones.

The infamous Water Bottle/Purse Swing to the Head.  The unruly Mob in the Hall when Kaya From The Block pushed Jill From The ‘Burb‘s nose so hard that Botox almost squirted out both ears.

Seriously.  How much do you love Jill when she goes all Grocery Store Gangsta?  Love.

But first…The Pyramid.  Always The Pyramid.

Bottom row this time around was filled with Payton, Brooke, Nia and Mackenzie.

Brooke had botched a few moves in the group routine last time, which Abby somehow managed to blame on the country music industry.  Nia had done a really good dance, but hadn’t even placed during the awards ceremony.  That made me sad and also made me want to go on a rant about how lame the Sheer Talent backdrop was last week.

But I won’t, because I’m sure that someone spent a lot of time and effort stretching a queen-sized bed sheet out on four clothespins and then lining up a film projector logo.

Diss my Nia?  I don’t think so.

Payton had completely lost her noodle over a tight hair bow.  And despite Mackenzie’s new “My Milkshake Brings All The Boys To The Teeter Totter” glamour shot, she proved that she was still a little girl on the inside by screwing around in the makeup room all day.

I also think that was her only scene this week, because I don’t even remember her being in the rest of the show.  She must have gone home to do another youtube makeup video.

The mezzanine level was home to Paige, Kendall and Chloe, which was basically done in order to free up the top spot for Maddie.  Again.

Maddie is Numero Uno.  We get that part by now.  But who is Numero Dos?

Good question.  And one that could only be answered by giving both Chloe and Kendall ‘Battle of  the Pop Stars’ solos in Ohio.

Chloe would be Katy Perry.  Kendall would be Lady Gaga.  Really.

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As we digested that one, the hilarity shifted to Ohio and the Evil Dance Lair, where we found the Candy Apple brigade all busting out the same sit ups they make felons do in prison exercise yards.  Cathy’s prisoners just weren’t visibly shackled, from what I could tell.  At least I don’t think they were.

Bad a** choreographer Blake McGrath was back again, still getting it done with his bad a** neck tattoo and bad a** East Village t-shirt.  You can tell all the Moms get giggly around him when he dirty dances in his Diesel skinny jeans.

Except for maybe Kaya that is, who instead got all Good In Da ‘Hood on Blake’s bad a** as soon as he gave the week’s solo to Lady Killer Lucas Triana instead of her daughter Nicaya.  OhHellNo.

In Kaya’s defense, Cathy did dangle the dance in front of them both for a few seconds before yanking it back like a Twinkie on a string.  That was kinda mean.  And in hindsight, that’s probably what made Kaya go off like one of those molotov cocktails you always see people throw through a Best Buy window during a city blackout when she accused Lucas’ Mom Brigette of partying the lonely nights away with Blake.

Whaaa-?  Whoa.  Hello.  Gurrrl, I need the deets on that one.

Cuz I love Brigette and her smiley face and her smiley kids.  And she’s always putting all these fluffy motivational blurbs on Twitter.  But did you see that Side Eye she gave Kaya?

Oh, snap.

I don’t care how many times Brigette quotes Maya Angelou.  I bet Mama Triana could let 100% of the air out of both your front tires before the light even turns green and still make it to her first real estate showing on time.  She’s from Miami, you know.

Back at the ALDC, rehearsals were in full swing as the Moms went a few rounds up in the MomPerch.

Turns out that Kendall had scored a 30 minute private with choreographer Gianna over the weekend and now…suddenly…the solo that Kendall was performing in Ohio was the same one that she had practiced on Sunday.

If we’re being completely honest, I don’t accomplish much of anything in 30 minutes, so I’m not really sure why Christi made such a big deal about the private attention.  But I guess it’s a Dance Mom thing.  Privates must give you some kind of magical leg up on the competition from what I can tell.

It also meant that Christi and Jill sparred for more than 30 minutes about 30 minutes of their lives they’ll never get back before Jill got up to go buy another 30.

For a total of 90.

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So there.

And why is the parking lot always wet?  Always.  Anyone?

Zipping back up to Ohio one more time before the competition, we got a glimpse of the group routine that Blake had (…allegedly, according to Kaya…) over choreographed.  Too much stuff.  Too elaborate.  And too much for Kaya, who stormed out of the room when Blake asked if she would like it dumbed down to her level.

OhNoHeDin’t.  That’s twice if you’re counting.

Hopefully she was going back to that vandalized Best Buy to pick up some better microphones for the Candy Apples studio, because they all sound like they’re being recorded on a Kindle when compared to the ALDC sound checks.  Really.  Go back and listen again.  Echo, much?

And why is that?  Anyone?  So many unanswered questions this week.

Not to be outdone, Abby was putting her girls through their group routine as well.  Entitled “Just Another Number,” it was a sci-fi looking kind of thing about cloning sheep.  Or something.

Holly went back to her academic roots and tried to explain to Leslie what cloning was all about, but Leslie was starting a slow boil over her kid’s height again and Holly’s hair was still so fresh and tight that I got really distracted.  So all I remember is something about sheep and robots and those barcodes that never scan correctly on your cell phone app.

Finally, it was Showtime!

The Candy Apples Crew pulled up to the bumper in one of those shiny black Evil Villain town car/bus contraptions that they always use on Real Housewives of Atlanta.

I immediately wondered if there was a stripper pole inside, cuz that’s kind of a Bravo thing.

Luckily I was pretty easily distracted by Cathy’s crazy animal print dress and the sight of sniffling Vivi-Anne stumbling off the bus behind her Mom carrying a gigantic shopping bag full of travel snacks.

Seriously.  How does this kid not have her own spin-off show yet?  I’m not talking anything expensive.  Just stick her in front of a green screen and let her eat ice cream all day.

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By the time the Candy Apples hit the pavement, the crowd was already bazoinkers.  Needless to say, they completely lost their shizz when the shiny white Good Guy ALDC bus reared ended the black bus from Ohio.  I swear it was louder than when the Beatles landed at the airport.

Inside, it was the usual stress filled pre-game show.

Christi threatened Chloe to either shake off her nerves or Mama would take her iPhone away, which I thought was a little extreme.  Seeing’s how it might actually be easier to pry raw meat out of a pit bull’s mouth than to get a cell phone away from a tweenager, I kind of envisioned Christi sitting in the audience flipping through the program with a broken arm for the rest of the season.

Abby then threatened Kendall to either hold in those tears or she would replace her with Maddie doing improv.  I got kind of excited to hear Maddie’s comedy shtick until I realized I was thinking about the wrong kind of improv.  I bet Maddie would have been funny, though.  They should totally add it to next week’s group number.

And put her in Groucho glasses, because those always make me laugh.

Holly kind of sat this one out, choosing instead to continue giving us another week of Michelle Obama Sleeveless Realness and tossing her hair around like the Herbal Essence Shampoo lady.  Protect that investment, sistah.

I swear, if she doesn’t bring one of those Mariah Carey floor fans into the MomPerch next week to keep that new ‘do blowing around for the full hour I’ll buy you lunch.

Lucas was first up with his solo.  One leg straight up in the air and some fake Enrique Iglesias Spanish soundtrack about making girls swoon and throw Hello Kitty underoos up on stage.  Check out his HowYouDoin’ eyebrow lift.  Dude is a Playground Playa.

And my hero.

Next up was Kendall’s solo, event though the program said she was going last.  There was some sketchiness in the audience as Jill tried to figure out what was going on.  Christi somehow knew that Chloe and Kendall’s spots were reversed but wasn’t really clear on where she scored that informational update.

I’ll give it to my girl Jill.  She still can’t figure out what to do with her bangs, but she knows that you don’t change the order of the horses in a race at the last minute unless someone loses a shoe or breaks a leg.  Something’s up.

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Caught a bit off guard, Kendall’s first spin was a little wonky and she fell out of the move a bit, which got the whole row of Moms talking.  Was the floor wet?  Was it slippery?  Was it sticky?  Shut Up, Leslie.

That last one kind of came out nowhere and it was all downhill from there.

Chloe did her thing.  And then Leslie had a 15 Kleenex meltdown out back.  Mad, ugly crying.  Even Melissa couldn’t calm her down.

And then both groups performed.

The solos didn’t score that well.  Chloe did better than Kendall, which kind of made her the Numero Dos dancer.  But only by default.

The ALDC group took First Place.  The Candy Apples group not so much.  Could Kaya have been right all along?

But all the really good stuff was out back.

Leslie blew a nutty at Abby for telling her to shut up in front of the entire auditorium.  One of those major league nutties that you only see when someone cuts in front of you at Costco on a rainy Sunday afternoon. Git out m’way, beeotch.

Boom.

You Shut Up No You Shut Up No You Shut Up.

They kept repeating that over and over as the credits rolled.

Nothing like another relaxing trip to Ohio, I always say.

Vivi-Anne.  Gimme some of them Cheetos.  I’m stressing out.

And get me outta here.  Now.

Who’s excited to go back to Pittsburgh?

Jill?

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Dance Moms: And Here We Go Again. A Whole New Season Of Mama Drama. Welcome Back To The ALDC! It’s On!

Friday, January 3rd, 2014

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Srsly. I don’t even like country music. But no cover charge and beer in plastic cups? Sign me up.

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Mama needs you to nail this, baby. That fool with the blog is watching and you already know he’s snarkin’ on my hair.

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Do I regret tossing that drink in Leslie’s face? No. Do I regret wasting perfectly good booze? Duh.

 

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Lawd, give me the strength to not turn around and snatch that baby by the hair if he kicks my chair one more time.

 

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I’d just like to go on record and remind everyone that we didn’t even do Hair Jokes until I showed up. So suck on that.

 

 

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All I know is that I gave that kid $2000 worth of pots and pans and I haven’t seen one damn pie.

 

 

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Umm. Ok. So maybe Kristie Ray left in such a hurry that maybe she left her new flat iron in the bathroom. Maybe.

 

 

 

It’s true.

Check it out.

That convoy of minivans in the liquor store parking lot can only mean one thing.

Dance Moms is back.  And freakin’ finally, I might add.

Abby Lee Miller and Lifetime TV just unleashed a whole new season of maternal madness and choreographed cray cray all over our television screens this week and trust me…I couldn’t be happier.  It’s been a long time coming.

If you’re new to the whole Pittsburgh dance scene, think of it as the Apocalypse.

The Zombie Apocalypse.

You hear about it all the time and know it will eventually come to your town.  You may know the actual date, or maybe just hear rumors.   You may have even spent the last few months stocking up on snacks and emergency rations in giggly anticipation.

But nothing really prepares you for their actual arrival.

Nothing.

At least the Dance Moms won’t eat your face off like the Zombies do.  They may slap that face a few times and maybe toss a vodka slushy in it right there in the middle of a touristy intersection, but all in all they’re pretty harmless when it comes to actual death and destruction.  But that doesn’t mean you should let your guard down.

Ever.

After jet setting around the country on that seemingly never-ending Road to Nationals, Abby and Co. were finally back home on the ALDC Mothership and it was time to get right down to bidnezz.  The Bidnezz of Being Da Best.

The next National Trophy ain’t gonna win itself, people.

As all the tiny dancers filed in for the season’s first Pyramid of Shame, it was clear that a few of the girls had gone through some kind of growth spurt over Break and wouldn’t be falling under the “tiny dancer” category for much longer.

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Granted, Payton was still on the team and still tall enough to skew the curve, making it nearly impossible for any camera guy to get a smooth pan shot down the line of dancers.

But a few of the other girls were definitely catching up to Amazonian Ackerman.  Our little girls are growing up so fast, I tell you.  Where does the time go?

As a matter of fact, even the girl’s Ross Park Mall Glamour Shots had somehow grown up over Break.  Suddenly everyone’s Pyramid photos were all airbrushed and lip glossed and posed like they were on the cover of Soap Opera Digest during that one month in the summer when all the story lines are about First Love and teenage angst.  I should have known when the show opened with a new and improved Dance Moms ReMix groove that something was up.  Living On The Dance Floor is so 2013.

Aside from a few random Holiday Specials and Dance Mom Tell-Alls, the last time we really saw all the Moms together was during the infamous WWE Brawlin’ in N’awlins chick fight when Christi hosed Leslie down with her cocktail right in the middle of Bourbon Street.  So needless to say, it was a little tense right out of the gate.

(Shout out to my boy Backwards Hat Dude who threw himself into the middle of that Louisiana hot mess like someone on Animal Planet separating two rabid dogs during the Puppy Bowl.  I bow to your fearless awesomeness.)

Bottom of the Pyramid was reserved for Chloe, Nia, Brooke and Payton.  Chloe and Payton were paying the price for their Moms’ cajun food fight.  Brooke had bailed on rehearsals and opted for a trip to NY Fashion Week.  And Nia?  Well…hold that thought.

Second row was home for Paige, Kendall and Mackenzie.  At least I think it was Mackenzie.

Mackadoodle’s new photo was all like Wha Wha Whaaa? and now I’m not sure how much longer I can keep giving her funny little cartoon nicknames.  If those ginormous braces ever get pried out of your head, Mama is in for a string of boys on the doorstep.

MackAttack is definitely gonna be a cutie when she finally gets the ok to stop wearing that slurpy retainer.  She’ll probably even change her name to Makenzie or MaKenzee like they always do on Toddlers & Tiaras.

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Right as Kendall was about to break into her first Second Row Happy Dance of the season, Abby yanked her photo right off the mirror and swapped it with Nia way down there on the bottom.

Psych.

Turns out that Kendall had missed Booty Camp (…which is a Twerkishly delightful name for a kids’ summer dance intensive workshop…) because Mom Jill had made the decision to go on some 5 day family vacation, which I guess is something that you’re not allowed to do if you read the fine print on the ALDC Sell Your Soul contract.

Side note:  Jill was dressed exactly like a Mom I used to work with at the GAP, in one of those cropped and popped denim jacket/long skirt combos you borrow from your daughter that doesn’t really go together and yet still works just fine.

It was a freaky moment of retail déja vu that I just felt should be noted.  I actually paused my DVR to go and refold all the jeans on my closet shelf it was such a jarring flashback.

I like Jill way better than the Mom from the GAP, by the way.  Just saying.

Top of the Pyramid was Maddie.  Again.  Just like the first three seasons.  I’m actually fairly certain that Maddie’s photo is the only one with non-reusable adhesive on the back.

Bitch is up there to stay.

This week the gang was headed to Wheeling, West Virginia for the Sheer Talent Competition.  Maddie and Nia would be rocking out solos.  Paige, Chloe and Kendall scored a trio entry.  And the group routine was going to be a “Girls Night Out” reenactment of Christi and Leslie’s downtown throw down, complete with West Side Story moves and a chance for Chloe to punch out Payton right there in front of the judges with no deduction in points.

Abby loves that whole Life Imitating Art shizz.

As the girls hit the rehearsals, all the Moms hit the Mom Perch and the party really got started.

Leslie was already wound up tighter than Black Friday at Walmart (…you know she destroyed that Housewares department…) and was ready to go a few more rounds with Christi, but she’d have to wait until Jill and Holly stopped picking on each other.

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Jill was a little twisted that Kendall had been relocated to the Pyramid basement even though she had come in 2nd at Nationals, while Nia was a row above her even though Nia didn’t perform any solo or high wire act or nothing.  It got a little jumbled.

But Dr. Holly stuck up for her kid.  And her new stylist.

Dang, Gurrrl.  Can we just say Good Golly, Miss Holly?  Looks like somebody won a makeover at the church raffle, because The Doctor was all flat iron and MAC counter and BuyMyBook Glamazon Queen.

She reminded me of those naughty school principals who pull the pencil out of their hair bun during Detention and then Boom Boom Pow.

I approve.  Now go buy her book.  It has her old face and old hair on the cover, not her new face and new hair.  But you can probably draw on a smokey eye with magic marker if it really bugs you that much.

And NO for those of you who keep asking…I don’t get commission from her book sales.  I don’t even get cookies, thank you very much, even though I know for a fact that her kid is sitting on $2,000 worth of Easy Bake Ovens.  But whatever.

While the Moms went back and forth, Maddie and Nia managed to work through their solo rehearsals with little to no drama.  Maddie even got a cake for some reason.  She must have sold more books than me.

Then suddenly, in a not-so-seamless transition, Brooke was given the opportunity to go up on stage and sing with country music star Jana Kramer.  Because Brooke is all about singing now.  As opposed to cheerleading.  Or dancing.  Or electrophysiology.

Clearly, Girlfriend has a lot of interests.

Yes, I did have to Google ‘Jana Kramer,’ who it turns out used to act on that teeny bopper show One Tree Hill.  Of course, she did.

I also had to Google ‘Stage AE‘ where they went to watch Brooke sing, because I thought it was the employee entrance to American Eagle.  They totally have those in big malls, you know.  Totes Magotes they do.

I swear, sometimes Dance Moms makes me feel so old I just want to lay down.

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Mom Kelly had even strong armed Brooke’s brother Josh into showing up at the venue.  I couldn’t tell if he was happy to be there or miserable or what, because Dude has one of those blank video game faces that never show expression.  No clue.  So I’m gonna go with him being really happy to support his sister, but not cool with the fact that the wi-fi sucked inside the building and he was probably missing like 200 hockey text messages.

As for the entertainment, I’m not gonna lay any smack down on Brooke’s performance because I remember how scary it was the first time I sang in the cafetorium.  But it’s all about stage presence, sweetie.  Which means moving once in awhile.  The audience digs that kind of thing, plus it makes it much harder for someone to take a clear photo and then embarrass you on Instagram.

Use my years of wisdom wisely, young Jedi Knight.

With one day to go, the trio routine was still not completed and Jill was still chewing on the ends of Holly’s new weave.  She didn’t feel that Nia deserved the solo.  Holly felt that she did.  Rinse and Repeat that discussion a few more times.

Side note #2:  Holly wore an old lady rain bonnet on the last day before they left for Wheeling, so you know that is some seriously new hair she’s rocking.

Finally, it was Showtime!

I swear Abby arrived with bodyguards.  Bodyguards.  Or bookies, maybe.  You tell me.  Go back and let me know who those big goomba looking guys were who kept pushing all the 9 year old girls out of the way.  It was amazing.

For our second Toddlers & Tiaras reference this week, Abby opened up a box of brand new costumes ten minutes for they went on stage to dance.  Really.  That’s what the Pageant Moms always do right before the Outfit of Choice routine and the Yankee Doodle costumes never fit properly.  Never.

Why would you ever wait until they call your number before trying on a sequined tube top with matching leg warmers?  I know I don’t.

The trio went well.  I couldn’t decide if the three of them looked like Sonic waitresses or Go Daddy! website race car girls with all the seat belt buckle belts (…that’s a mouthful…) and Beyoncé ponytails bopping around up on stage.  But they won First Place, so I guess my opinion doesn’t really matter.

Maddie’s solo was a Maddie Solo.  I think one of the judges actually walked up on stage and awarded her First Place before she finished.

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I’m not sure why every judge had a microphone, unless there’s some Beauty Pageant Q&A part that never gets shown on television.  Or a break for karaoke.

The new and improved 2014 model Nia did amaze balls in her solo, even though she didn’t place at all.  Sad Face.  But this is her year.  You can tell.

Right before the group routine hit the stage, Payton had a major league 4 year old hissy fit because her hair bow was too tight, which got Abby so worked up that she ended up telling some random story about Lion King elephants stepping on all the skinny kids dressed in bird costumes.  Or something.  I dunno.  I wasn’t really paying attention right then because Holly’s hair was too fabulous.

When it was all said and done, Payton somehow managed to dance through the pain but the group still only pulled 3rd Place.  Which was not First Place.

Not even close.

Insert your favorite Abby meltdown here: __________.

So for their first outing in the new season, the ALDC only pulled in 50% of the wins.

Which was not 100%.

Insert your second favorite Abby meltdown here: __________.

And then call at least one Mom a Bitch and throw something.

Yup.  Dance Moms is back.  With a vengeance.

And this was only Week One.

Next week: Ohio.

And what could possibly go wrong there?

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Dance Moms Holiday Special: It Was Snow Balls And Mama Brawls. Santa Abby And The Fight Before Christmas.

Wednesday, December 11th, 2013

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Santa Abby, forgot to mention one little thing. Some Bling. And more Bling!

 

 

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I swear to Gawd if that Candy Apple boy lifts his damn leg one more time I’m calling the cops.

 

 

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Put one foot in front of the other. And soon I’ll be calling you a whore ore ore.

 

 

 

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I love sing-alongs! Where’d that hot Santa go? Mama needs a refill. My hat’s already empty!

 

 

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Srsly, gurlz. How fine is my man? Don’t choo bitches be all hating on me. I know you’re jealz.

 

 

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I have absolutely no idea who that girl is singing over there. Just keep smiling. She’s almost done.

 

 

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A freakin’ puppy. Just. Shut. Up. ♥

 

 

 

 

Sing along if you want.

All I want for Christmas is no Sickle Feet.  My braces off.  And Fatter lips.

And to slap that Mom on the other end of the couch just once.

And a puppy, of course.  A ridiculously cute one.

Think you can make that happen, Santa?

‘Tis the season for giving.  And smack talking.  And clearly Abby Lee Miller was feeling exceptionally generous on all counts this week because she just shoved a shiny, brand new Dance Moms Holiday Special right up under our tree when we weren’t looking.

That’s right.  It was the return of Dance Moms.  This time, with drama and tinsel!

With only a few weeks to go before the new season begins, Abby and my boy Jeff Collins were back with another one of those odd little cable access specials filmed in yet another one of those mysteriously unidentified warehouses.

Now don’t get me wrong.  I love me some Jeff Collins.  He and I are tight you know, even though we’re down to the last two weeks before Christmas and I have yet to receive my 2013 Collins Avenue photo card.

What I don’t understand is why a franchise that hauls in a gazillion dollars a year from Meet & Greets, iTunes downloads and “Save Those Tears…” Egyptian cotton pillow cases still insists on buying their set decorations at Costco.

Don’t get me wrong on this one either.  I love me some Costco.  Especially when I’m whipping up a snack and need 18 gallons of mayonnaise on a Sunday night.  But what I don’t love is Costco for my designer holiday trim.

Surrounded by every tree that ended up in last year’s December 26th clearance aisle and a massive backdrop made out of the same hanging fabric they use in Mall fashion shows to prevent you from accidentally seeing underwear in the middle of the Food Court, Jeff and Abby started the show with some pleasant chit chat while all our favorite little ALDC girls attempted to decorate one last Costco bush.

I’ll say it.  Any holiday special that starts out with Abby yelling something about Blue Balls already has my attention.  DVR: Activated.

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As the girls scooted backstage, Abby and Jeff relived some of Ms. Miller’s favorite childhood Christmas memories and gave us a quick sweep of some old family photos that were sprinkled around the set.

It not only gave us a glimpse of Abby’s simple upbringing but also another opportunity to scope out a little more of those Costco decorations behind the picture frames.

Am I the only one who thought that the fake snow under the packages looked exactly like the stop-motion snow in the old Rudolph TV show?  The one with the Abominable Snowman?

Did you see how it was all big flat chunks of white stuff?  Like it was cut out of the foam you put on your bed when you’re too cheap to buy a new mattress.

Abby dissed on the Moms for a few minutes, putting them all on her Naughty List for a variety of drunk, mouthy reasons but then stated that she still bought them all gifts.

Because it is the holiday season after all.  Even if you’re drunk.  Or mouthy.  Or both.

Plus they saved so much bank on the decorations this year that there was still a good chunk of change left in the christmas club envelope.  So everyone gets an Oprah gift!

Needless to say, as soon as they heard the word ‘Gifts’ all the Moms came stampeding out in their fancy new holiday dresses.  All sparkly and festive and stuff.

Everyone looked like they were going to a neighborhood Christmas party and wanted to outdo the hostess, except for my girl Holly who looked like she was supposed to be at the Presidential Inauguration and got on the wrong bus.

Oh, yeah.  Dr. Holly was giving me some Michelle Obama Realness.  You go, girl.

(And you guys all go and buy her new book.  Do it now.  I’ll wait.)

Since most of the Moms are all self admitted HornBalls, Abby had some random shirtless Chippendale dude come out in Adam Levine skinny jeans and a stocking Santa cap to hand out presents to the greedy gaggle.  It was like meat on a stick.

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Points for trying to get Jill to hyperventilate on camera, but Santa needed a spray tan.

Kelly got one of those plastic beer helmets they sell at Spencer Gifts, because she’s a drunk and Abby refused to pay more than $14.95.  It was a moment.

Jill got a gigantic box full of lip injection syringes so she could go home and plump herself into a coma, while Holly got dissed with a stash of sensible orthopedic shoes.

OhNoSheDin’t.  Abby has some issues with Mrs. Obama’s feet and tried to sneak in a few Sasquatch jokes, but Holly wasn’t having it.

Between you and me, I think my girl’s been watching some VH1 during the hiatus because right away Holly got all “MmmMmm.  I don’t need to be worryin’ ’bout my feet cuz I got all of dis goin’ on, mmmkay?” as she werked and twerked her arms all up in the ayah ayah.

Love that First Lady.

Christi got one of those cheap cash boxes that kids keep their allowance money in under the bed because she always squawks about Abby’s finances.  That gift momentarily backfired into an argument over why Maddie had made all her friends pay a cover charge to attend her birthday party earlier in the year.  Something about a Food Bank and the high cost of orthodontics.  I wasn’t paying attention.

Melissa got a box full of Dirty Girl Granny Panties to be used as ammo in her next Man Hunt, as well as a gift certificate for a Matchmaker after she leaves Husband #27.  I swear, that poor lady can’t catch a break from those hens ever since she (…allegedly…) slept with her boss.

Suddenly there was a little dancing, to remind us all that the show originally once focused on dancing, and then Chaos Cathy Nesbitt-Stein arrived to really get the party started.

Candy Apples in the hizzle, yo!

And she came bearing gifts.  One gift, anyway.  An egg poacher from Bed, Bath & Beyond.  Because Abby was poaching new students from outside the ALDC this season.

Oh, snap.  See what she did there?

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Needless to say, everyone pig piled on top of each other for a few minutes in classic ALDC vs. CADC fashion until Cathy finally came up for air and helped introduce her Senior Dance Team’s performance.

Yeah.  She brought dancers, too.  A bunch of girls.  And Nick Daniels.

And then Twitter exploded into a mushroom cloud of OMGs and those round yellow smiley faces with hearts instead of eyeballs.

I swear only dogs could hear the squeals of little girls around the country at that moment.  My cable even shut off for a second.

You know Nick.  He’s like Nick #2 or something.  There’s a lot of Nicks on this show.  He’s dreamy, I guess.  But not the dreamiest one.  The other one is the one who always makes Abby’s girls spit out their retainers.

But I’m not going to slam any of the Nicks…or their dancing…because boy dancers already have a tough enough hill to climb.  But can we talk about this Nick’s one leg up in the air needle, spindle, spike, whatevertheycallit signature move for a few minutes?

Cuz that’s kinda his thing.

On Twitter.  On Facebook.  On Instagram.

Here I am in Times Square with my leg up.  Here I am at the Grand Canyon with my leg up.  Here I am in the 10 items or less line at Piggly Wiggly with my leg up.

I literally had to stop Googling him before I crossed the line from Research into an episode of Dateline.  We get it, dude.  Now put it down for a few.

The kid is 99.99% arms and legs.  With no spinal cord and not a chance of finding the right sleeve length off the rack.  Not to mention that he seemed pretty darn excited to be performing on the special.

And the girls didn’t stand a chance against him.  Why Cathy decided to add a trio leg lift, needle, spindle thing in the middle of the routine I’ll never know.

One of the girls didn’t even come close to matching his form, while the other one fell out of the move early and almost grabbed Nick’s holiday package on the way back down.   

Hands off, honey.  At least until December 25.  You know the rules.

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After the Nick Show finished, Abby read her own version of The Night Before Christmas, which was basically just a slam against Cathy set to poetry.  Props to whoever was in charge of doing the audience cutaway shots during this special.

Ooooh.  Aaaaaah.  I just can’t.

And then Cathy reached under the couch and pulled out her own poem.  Really.  She totally revealed it like a Real Housewife on a Reunion Show when they pull pages of saved texts from behind a pillow.

Take that, Teresa Giudice.   Bitch.

Not to be outdone, Christi was up next with yet another poem.  Whatever.  Third time was making tired.

Bonus props, though, to whoever was off stage playing the piano recital music during the holiday readings.  It was probably Nick with one leg up on the top of the Steinway.

Throughout the show Jeff had been hyping the arrival of both Santa and the Dance Dads.

Could it be?  Could we finally get a glimpse of the Men behind the scenes after all these years?  And would they be as big a bunch of cry babies as the Candy Apples Daddies?

Jeff made it sound like an entire tour bus of Dads was on its way up into the loading dock, so needless to say I was a little discouraged when only two husbands could find their dress-up clothes and join their wives in front of the cameras.

Maybe next time they shouldn’t film on a night when there’s a football game on ESPN.

Holly’s Man Evan Frazier arrived, accompanied by Jill’s husband Erno Vertes.  All the other Dads were glaringly MIA.

Can I just say that Holly and Evan were giving me so much additional Obama Realness that I thought I sat on my remote and was watching CNN for the entire segment?  Not to mention that Erno’s name was so quirky I had to Google it twice.

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Hopefully the Dads kept the tags on those new clothes, because Jeff didn’t keep them on the set long enough to sweat in them.  Thanks for coming.  Buh Bye now.

And then Coco Jones sang with the oddest assortment of local choir people evah.

Yeah.  Coco Jones.

If you shave your face or your legs, you’re too old to know who Coco Jones is, so we’ll skip right over this part after questioning why Brooke didn’t just sing her youtube song again since she’s…you know…on the show.

As soon as the mini Jennifer Hudson finished up, it was time to unwrap more presents!

Since the real Santa had somehow been delayed in highway traffic and having a Chippendale guy in a sock hat and baby oil hand out makeup to little girls seemed slightly inappropriate, Abby took over the role of gift giver to finish off the hour.

Every kid got a ginormous Price is Right box, complete with a big dramatic reveal.

Nia got $2,000 worth of baking equipment.  Now that Abby has finally given up on trying to force an afro wig onto the poor kid’s head every week, it appears that she’s moved on to gifts of pots and pans in an attempt at keeping Nia in the kitchen.  I guess sometimes progress moves in baby steps.  But word on the street is that Nia makes a mean cake…and my birthday is in April.  So just saying.

Kendall got $2,000 worth of makeup to continue her Covergirl ways.  My bet is Mom snagged all the glittery stuff before they even got the box into the mini-van.

Brooke got a home recording studio so she could hone her craft and not get upstaged by a Radio Disney girl again next Christmas.

Paige got a princess vanity which had to be explained to Jeff.  (And what was the deal with his hair this time around?  Did he get a touch up, or was the gel just reflecting all the red glitter in the room? Inquiring Minds want to know.)

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Chloe got books.  A ton o’ books.  And then a lifetime of books.  I don’t even know what that means.

And then Maddie got Capezio tap boots.  And a $5,000 Capezio shopping spree.  And a key to the city.  And her braces removed.  And a condo.  And a seat on the first Moon Shuttle with Justin Bieber.  And a convertible and whatever else Abby could find at the Mall to imply that she’s still her favorite dancer.

Seriously.  The look on the other girls’ faces is now my new screen saver. WTF lady?

And then it was over, right?

Pssssst.  Abby.

You forgot Mackenzie, who busted out the best/worst pouty face I’ve ever seen.

Psych.

A Puppy!  And then everyone when completely PuppySpaz.  Because that’s what happens when you pull a redoinkulously cute puppy out of a box.  Try it.

And then it was really over.

Abby gave presents to everyone and proved that maybe…maybe…she ain’t all that bad.

It was truly a Miracle on Saltsburg Road.

Which is easily accessible by both Turnpike and Parkway in case you want to swing by and buy a pillow case.  They’re probably on sale through New Years.

Happy Holidays, everyone.

See you in January.

Kisses.

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