Archive for the ‘Reality Television’ Category

Dance Moms: A Toast To The ALDC! Drink All That Kool-Aid And Fix Those Feet…It’s The Abby Lee Horror Story.

Wednesday, March 9th, 2016




I know, right? It’s 3 o’clock and they’re still not dressed yet. Being a grownup looks awesome.






It didn’t get creepy until I caught her in my room, braiding her hair and wearing all my new clothes.






As long as you’re living in my house and under my roof, these are my rules…and my pajamas.






Hold up, ladies. I thought we were going out drinking. Why is everyone still in their PJs?






This is way better than wearing a bra. Raise your hand if you think every day should be PJ Day!






I can’t believe that not one of these heifers could tell me I left the house with curlers in my hair.







I don’t know what’s in these chips, but they’re making me thirsty. I could sure use some Kool-Aid.




Well, here you go.

I made you a special Dance Moms cocktail.

UYD9vfxJust drink it and don’t ask any questions.


It’s awesome, right?koolkid

Oh, yeah.  That’s the good stuff.

Hold on to your glass, tho, cuz you’re definitely gonna need a few more rounds before we finish up with this recap.  If it ever gets started, that is.

Yup.  It was sloooow going when we first hit the ALDC LA this week.  Really slow.

As in:  The place was deserted.

No Moms.  No Abby.  No nuthin.

Just the ALDC kids, who were not allowed to be on camera without their Moms but were somehow, under California law, still old enough to drive themselves to an abandoned dance studio where they were quickly scooted into a secret room to do their homework.

How does that even work?

There was also my favorite sub-titled producer running around off-camera looking for their Moms as well a Sound Engineer who talked exactly like Crocodile Dundee and this guy in Converse All-Stars who asked that his face be blurred out for some legal reason.


Oh.  And this guy on his phone.  And that other guy in winter clothes.

coatBecause it’s California.  And it’s 95 degrees out.  And everyone else is wearing shorts.

Except for that one random guy walking around in a winter coat, scarf and beanie, carrying a role of blue duct tape like he was gonna secure someone’s mouth shut and then throw them in the trunk of that white car that had been idling outside the front door since the show started.  What is even happening right now?

No wonder the guy with the glasses was calling the cops.

Kidding.  I don’t really know if it was 95 degrees that day.

So no Moms.  Just kids.  And Ashlee, who arrived with Brynn (…on time, thank you…) and immediately (…allegedly…) began plotting how to use the lack of adult supervision to her benefit.  Hmmmm.  Lemme think now…


Eventually, Abby emerged from that whacky back room storage room dorm room thingamajig and asked what wassup.

Abby:  What’s happening?

Ashlee:  I just don’t have no clue.



That kid is a hoot.

Since now there wasn’t not nobody else in the building…


…Abby had no choice but to start the party with the few and the proud.

Beginning with the solo assignments.

This week, the gang (…hopefully…) would be headed to New York Dance Experience in San Jose, where all the dances were going to be dark and ominous, including 3 solos based on famous deaths.  Like Brynn’s Black Dahlia routine, for example, which kinda sorta freaked her out once Gianna arrived and pulled up some bloody photos from her Instagram feed.

Time to dial down the Cute?  As if.


As Gia and Brynn got down to rehearsing, the other Moms finally showed up.

In.  Their.  Pajamas.

You heard me.  Pajamas.

And they made this big grand entrance from the parking lot trying to be all like…


tumblr_lvz3yupeoi1qg3qx4But it was really more like…yo.  Sup?

pj1Gah.  I love this show.

The Goal:  To show how the Moms were sick and tired of Abby arriving late, eating and slobbing her way around the studio with no apparent sense of urgency or desire or ambition.  Four can play this game, thank you.

The Result:  A prank that may have backfired.  Mom Strike 2.0, as it were.

The whole thing escalated quickly, with my MomCrush Jill, who had all this going on for some reason…

tumblr_ml86y3IEQa1rdzuduo1_400…blaming Ashlee for not giving the ok for the girls to start dancing before they arrived.

She knew they woulda shoulda coulda danced, so she shoulda coulda woulda blah blah blah.  Swear.  Swear.  Bitch.  Pillow Fight.

Worst.  Sleepover.  Ever.

Honestly, it might be time to revisit the name tags suggestion again, because I don’t even know who is in charge of whose kid anymore.  Especially if they’re gonna start bringing back all those Minis they showed in the new preview.

But Ashlee hadn’t been told about the prank in advance, so she didn’t realize that she was the designated babysitter.  So she didn’t do anything.  At all.  Which escalated the whole thing to a whole other level.

Side note:  Holly made this #HollyFace a lot this week.  A lot.

hSometimes it was even done really close up for dramatic effect.

hfAnd look at Jessalynn‘s hair.  She legit just got out of bed.

pj3I heart these Moms too much.

And Melissa, too.  Look at her trying to pass off that DKNY blouse as pajamas.

melNice try.  I saw her wearing the same thing out to dinner last week with a chunky necklace.


Before the sun set, they figured they should probably get to the Pyramid of Shame.

But at warp speed, because this whole pajama party thing had really cut into their productivity today.

Bottom Row:  Kalani, Kendall, Nia and Mackenzie.  Done.

Middle Row:  JoJo and Brynn, which left Maddie on the top.  And she was totally ok with that.  Did you hear her?  Hilarious.


The second solo of the week would be Maddie’s ‘Lizzie Borden’ chopfest, which got her all excited for some reason.  And the third dance went to Kendall, who would (…allegedly or not…) get thrown overboard as ‘Natalie Wood.’

Side note:  Did I miss the Hair Braid Memo this week?


Because Brynn had scored a few extra hours of private choreography, Jill was already on edge and immediately assumed that her daughter would get sub-par choreography, costuming, music, lighting, makeup, attention, salary and dental benefits simply because she carried Vertes DNA in her system.

Needless to say, Abby accused her of playing the Victim.  Just like…umm, I dunno…maybe a tall blonde she used to know but wouldn’t refer to by name.

Wait.  What?


We love that tall lady.  And miss her so much.

Come visit, why don’t you?  There’s always plenty of parking in the front of the building.

And bring your friend there.  I bet she’d love me and my Dance Moms cocktails.

tumblr_mcd55woemI1ql5yr7o1_400Or not, maybe.

This week’s group routine would be equally as dark and ominous as the solos and was going to require the girls perform a cult-themed dance.

A Cult?

tumblr_inline_nyuts4lOfi1t4mrav_500Drink the Kool-Aid, kids.

Let’s Be Real Dept.:  I don’t think this thing is gonna be much of a stretch for anybody.

You know it.  They know it.  And they even said it out loud.

Putting the Cult in ALD…C.

The next day, everyone managed to get themselves dressed like big girls and headed back to the studio for some more bickering.  Holly still had the same #HollyFace, but in nicer clothes.

Mama didn’t fall for that pajama thing yesterday and she wasn’t falling for it today.

Jill and Ashlee went another 17 rounds, but all that really mattered was that Jill took out those freakin’ Pippi Longstocking braids and the she promises to never do that again.

Ever.  And I mean it.

Truth:  That’s not the finger she wants to give me right now, BTW.


Finally, it was Showtime!

And time to climb down into the bowels of whatever building was hosting this shindig, because somebody forgot to get proper permits for the elevators and it was staircase-only today, people.  Watch your step, please.


Full disclosure:  There were no sharks in the stairway, but watching the Moms lug all their dance shizzz down 27 flights in heels was almost as treacherous and funny.

Needless to say, Abby Lee Miller doesn’t do stairs, so she sat in the lobby playing Candy Crush for most of the remainder of the episode.  F’real.

Which meant that all those poor Moms had to schlep everything down the stairs and then send their kids back up and down again about 100 times to double check their makeup and moves with Abby throughout the competition.

Like Brynn’s makeup, for instance.  Holy Whoa, Batman.

bdgiphy-1And Maddie’s.

axetumblr_mz5jexLtkR1t0demio1_500And KK, of course.kn1tumblr_noh2foZRLD1r8jjn6o1_500You get the idea.

The girls were ready to go.

But can we talk about all this goodness for a minute?

hqdefaulttumblr_n5hcm3Cd9y1qlvwnco1_500Because Rachelle “Sas” Rak was back on the stage, hosting this whole hot mess!

I know you remember Rachelle from Abby’s Ultimate Dance Competition.

She was the judge on AUDC who wouldn’t sit still in her chair and kept jumping up on the table, telling all these 9 year old girls to bite the apple and never go on a Six Flags waterslide without pretending you’re the lead in Flashdance.

We LOVE Rachelle.

And remember how Richy Jackson used to always be like ‘Gurl Pleez, Sit Yo’ A** Down.’

Abbys-Ultimate-Dance-Competition-Richy-whatThose were good times.

And now she was back, because NYDE is the competition where you get your critiques LIVE on stage and get to stand next to Rachelle Rak while she shimmys and bites stuff. mrYes, please.

Brynn’s solo was great.  The judges just told her to work on her acting.

I swear Kendall wore the same leotard that Maddie wore last week, but I could be wrong.

Regardless, she did great, but got called out for her acting chops again.  Tell the story!

And Maddie got a hug from Rachelle.  So there was that.


Backstage before the group routine, it became clear that Mackenzie didn’t know what a Cult was, even though she’s technically been in one since the day she was born.

I guess that’s how they get ya.  Straight outta the womb and into the studio.

And in all honesty, she just wanted something to wash down all those chips.  I love how she is growing up into this pretty young lady but still maintaining that blissful innocence.

You keep that, Boo.  You just keep that.

The group routine was off the chain.  The makeup was on point (…especially Nia Sioux for some reason…) and they nailed the choreography, which is probably why that one judge was all like ‘Whhhhaaaa was that?’ before giving them First Place in the group category.

No lie.  Her little Asia Monet Ray bun almost popped right off her damn head.

jgBrynn and Kendall ended up both taking Second Place in their respective age categories, even though Ashlee was quick to point out that the actual numerical sumthin sumthin whatevah was higher on Brynn’s card.

Gah.  Relax, lady.  Just let them enjoy the moment.

And of course, Maddie took First Place.  Because she’s Maddie.  And she’s back.

And then it was pretty much over for the week, except for a sudden rip in the Time Space Continuum that shot everyone into some odd Alternate Reality where all the Moms got along and liked each other and Ashlee burst into the lobby with Kool-Aid for everyone.

kool-aid-oJust like that.

Because that’s not creepy at all.

And then it was really over, I swear.

A toast to the ALDC!

Drink it up, kids.  Drink it all up.

There’s plenty more where that came from, don’t you worry.

Bring It!: We Don’t Need No Scrubs, But Some TLC Would Be Nice After All These Crazy Battle Royale Solo Cuts.

Saturday, March 5th, 2016




I can’t believe these babies have never heard of TLC. Imma have a stroke right here on national TV.






I didn’t get one thing off my damn bridal registry and now all these heifers want me to support their kids? Bitch, pleez.






Srsly? You’ve met me like 100 times already. I’m Faith’s Mom…not the valet. Park your own car.






Sorry, Boo…but it clearly states ‘Only One Bow Tie Per Event.’ One of you gotta go change.







Aw. Hell. Nah.








I can’t with all these Mamas sounding like Charlie Brown’s teacher and being lazy as Snoopy.






Here comes the Big One right now. I can feel my roots getting tingly and it’s not even my own hair.




Some quick advise before we get started.

Don’t go chasing waterfalls.

I wouldn’t if I were you.  That kind of thing just never seems to end well.

But if you must, definitely don’t try to do it in a car.  Especially in the passenger side of your best friend’s ride.  Cuz that’s just pathetic.

And Facebook?  And Twitter?  And LinkedIn?  And every other form of social media and Reality TV blog out there?

Please…don’t creep.  Just don’t.

Can you figure out the theme of this week’s episode of Bring It! now?

I hope so.

Because it was the TLC-inspired Creative Dance, saluting one of the most iconic girls groups ever.  And unless you’ve been living under a rock (…or dancing at the Dollhouse Dance Factory…) everyone knows TLC, right?

A refresher.

This is TLC…


This is them dancing…


And this is me when none of the young ladies of the Dancing Dolls knew who TLC was…

tumblr_inline_nrg8hsIJiR1raprkq_500Q.  When did I get so old?

A.  Don’t answer that.

Side note:  If we’re being totally honest, that first photo is also how I like to pose by the towel wall after my workouts, because you never when know when your Gym Crush might need a freshly rolled tube of terry cloth.  Oh, hey.  Didn’t even see you there.  Sup?


With only 3 weeks remaining before the Battle Royale, Dianna Williams and her team were bringing out all the big hair and big guns to ensure they entered the finale on top of the leader board.

The competition had been tougher than ever so far this year and Miss D was going to make certain that the Dolls were on their A Game as they got ready for this week’s showdown.  Starting right now.

d2Or as soon as everyone got to the Dollhouse, that is.

After a quick ride around town with Camryn and my girl Mimi (…where were they going at 2am?  You see how dark it was outside?…) we headed over to Dianna’s office to get the deets on this week’s Battle Ready Competition.

Kidding.  It was still winter time, so it gets dark early.  They were just on their way to the Dollhouse.  Because that’s how the show goes now.  Opening Car Ride, Office Time, Crazy Moms and then a commercial.

I’m watching you, Lifetime.  And planning my snacks accordingly.

Assistant Coach Kayla and her crazy a** big purple hair got right down to bidnezz with Miss D, rehashing last week’s results, figuring out the direction for the upcoming weekend’s performances and discussing the additional cuts they would be making in the Battle Royale solo auditions.

This time around, the team would be competing in both Crea–

kmOh, hey.  Mimi’s here.  Scoot over, Peanut.

Seriously.  How much do we love this show?

Sure enough, Camryn was still outside trying to un-click her seatbelt and Mimi was already inside Dianna’s office, discussing how she felt her baby should get the solo spot in the finale.  Because she’s the Captain.  And her baby.

What do you think, Miss D?

tumblr_inline_nrg8hsIJiR1raprkq_500Moving on.  Bye, Mimi.

This week, the Dolls would be competing in both the TLC Creative Dance and Stand Battle.  Dianna would be auditioning girls for the three lead spots in the TLC routine…ie, T-Boz, Chilli and Left Eye…after explaing to all the girls who T-Boz, Chilli and Left Eye were in the grand scheme of things.

Faith assumed that her Mom Dana probably liked TLC.

fBecause her Mom only liked the oldies.


Needless to say, next door in the IKEA Lounge, the Mamas were straight up brawling over who should get the TLC trio spots as well as the highly coveted Battle Royale solo.  I bet you can pretty much figure out how that all went down without my play by play.

Rittany felt that it was Crystianna‘s time to shine like the Silent Killer she was, while Mimi tried the same argument that had gotten her nowhere back in Dianna’s office.  Dana busted out some more chunky jewelry and thought that all the other Mamas sounded like Charlie Brown’s teacher when they talked.  Whaaw Whaaw Whaaw.

And Tina made this face a lot.  We love her like I dunno what, mmmkay?

tThis week, the Dolls would be going up against Royal Envy, the Golden Prancerettes,  arch rivals the Infamous Dancerettes and the Girls Who Never Clean The Screen On Their iPhones Even After Eating Those New Spicy Chicken Fries At Burger King.

Which is just gross, BTW.

You know you have to walk right by the napkin dispenser on the way out, right?  Maybe if you threw your trash out and put your tray away you’d know that.

tumblr_lq035oF2qT1qbnfoaFirst up:  TLC trio auditions.

T-Boz:  Faith, Daija and Denicia.  


Denicia is a newer face who’s been lurking in the background for the last 8 months.  New to us, but not new to Miss D, who saw great potential in this dancer.

This is Denicia, looking like she should be scoring gold for the Olympic Track Team.

dnThis is also Denicia.

dn2Wait.  What?

giphyI know, right?  Beat to the Gawdz.


This girl is gorgeous.  Twitter went bazoinkers.

If that Olympic thing doesn’t work out, I think she’ll still do just fine.

Left Eye:  Makalah and Ken’Janae.

Chilli:  Crystianna and Camryn.

Results:  Denicia, Ken’Janae and Camryn…your new TLC girls.

Everyone was excited for them.

Every girl on this team is amazing and beautiful.  You know dat.  And the way they support each other is something you wish you could find in every school and neighborhood across the world.  Dianna and the Mamas have raised them all right.

Full disclosure:  Rittany got a lil’ salty that her niece didn’t get chosen, but I’m giving her a pass because I really liked her in this hair and turtleneck.

rShe’s like the Sassy Department at Banana Republic.  A++

After Battle Squad practice, everyone headed out into the parking to go home.

And to stalk Dianna.  Which is exactly what Dana did, after either popping out from behind her car or sliding out from under some truck like you see in those movies where they kill you in a parking deck.  I’m not sure where she came from.

No lie.  She was literally waiting for Dianna just like this.  With the same lipstick.

killer-clownAnd isn’t that the same blue blouse underneath those clown overalls?

da2 (1)Dana wanted to put in her two cents in the hopes that Miss D would give Faith a little more consideration for any…I dunno…upcoming solos, maybe?

Nice try.  Moving on.  Bye, Dana.

Not to be outdone, the next day as the girls rehearsed their elaborate TLC routine, Rittany decided it was her turn.  Because Mimi and Dana had been so successful, I mean.

tt Don’t you know she just went and sent a text to Dianna right in the middle of rehearsal.

bleepYeah.  What she said.

Dianna wasn’t happy.  At all.

Long story short:  Miss D tore into the IKEA Lounge and threw all the Mamas face down, right back out onto the cold, winter sidewalks.

Just like the old days.

tumblr_mzptyilcHi1r5jv7ho1_400Even that poor new Mama Tamala, who was all like OhHellNo in her J.Crew sweater.tam

Miss D don’t play.  Now stay out there.

tumblr_mw0e1fssQY1si2x44o2_500As the Mamas all stood around getting flashbacks and frostbite, Dianna ran the Battle Royale solo cuts and trimmed the 6 hopefuls down to 3 remaining contestants.

Still Standing:  Makya, Crystianna and Camryn.  Stay tuned.

cmyFinally, it was Showtime!

And time for my boy Jay You Don’t Say Fever Johnny Harrington V to unleash yet another InstaClassic bit of Chattanooga Couture on an unsuspecting crowd.

jfvAnd yes, those are the same judges again.

That friendly Cicely Tyson lady and that other lady who got cut out of the shot and the middle guy who I know better not be trying to cop Jay’s fit.

True Fact:  They all travel together.  Their secret has been exposed.  And here’s actual unseen footage of them arriving at the Columbus venue as proof that I was right all along.


And here they are waiting for Dianna and Mimi to come help unload all their crap.

7ac6839f78ddc98d00ea6fd19bab9eb5-the-partridge-family-busTrue Fact #2:  Every color on that bus represents one of Jay’s bow ties.

I swear to the same Gawd that beat Denicia’s face.


Side note:  Seloncé ain’t doing so bad herself lately, either.

Dang that shoulder length, gurl.

selSide note #2: If you didn’t know who TLC was, there’s no way in hell you’re gonna know the f***ing Partridge Family, so those last few paragraphs up there were probably a solid waste of my online research time.

After the quick required hallway meet up, where ID’s Coach John Connor had swapped out his previously grey dreads for some red tips, it was time for the Creative Category.



jc1First up, the Golden Prancerettes and some big guy in a yellow cape who did this so hard that I had to pause the DVR and go find my inhaler.


Next, Johnn and his team hit the floor with about 47 other members of a marching band and 24 dancers that weren’t even on the ID payroll.

Hold up.

dMiss D wasn’t having none of that.  Nope.

She booked it over to that judges’ table waaaaay faster than I ever thought anyone could possible move when they’re shrink-wrapped in head-to-toe black leather like our girl.

Obviously, Dianna needed to wrap this up asap so she could get back out and rob the Gotham First National Bank.


You go, Mama.  Meow.

Unfortunately, according to the rules, you could add as many human beings and/or random livestock to your team as you wanted, as long as none of them danced for longer than 5 minutes.  It’s right there on this piece of paper, yo.

tieI especially like this chick’s I Don’t Make The Rules face.


So onward and upward.  And right into that waterfall.

The TLC tribute was everything.


That s*** was cray.

And tell me Denicia doesn’t look like she body-swapped T-Boz.

tbzThe crowd lost their noodle.

Even Dana had some kind of ’90s thing going on.  I think.

dfWe don’t need no scrubs, but we might need to see that whole thing again.  F’realz.

So speaking of creeping, here’s the link to Dianna’s post of the entire routine without the elevator music.  It rocks the house, so you better check it out.

Fell free to flip off a couple haters while you’re there, too.

Then it was on to the Stand Battles.

Round One:  Golden Prancerettes vs. ID.  John and his girls took the win.

Round Two:  Royal Envy vs. Dancing Dolls.  Dianna and her team for the win.

Bonus Points:  This mall cop with his tongue hanging out during the pre-game show, trying to photobomb the shot for some reason.  What the what was that all about?

Helloooooo, ladies.


Nothing to see here, dude.  Keep it moving before we call a real cop.

The Stand Battle was off the hook and both teams  pretty much set the floor on fiyah.


There was a brief moment of questionable activity when John grabbed as many audience members as he could who happened to be walking by to use the restroom and forced them to dance with his team and then one other little snafu when Crystianna got so distracted by all the people wearing bow ties that she glanced sideways instead of straight ahead, but the judges either missed it or let it go…

…because the Dancing Dolls won First Place!!

In BOTH Creative and Stand Battle!

t1Now that’s what I’m talking about.

It makes all the sacrifices worth it in the end for both the Mamas and their girls.  And honestly, the smiles on their faces are better than any trophy.

And then it was over.

One week closer to the Battle Royale.

Just a couple more weeks.  And a couple more cuts.

Until then…

We miss you Left Eye.



Dance Moms: When Duet Drama Hits The ALDC, You Know It’s Nia To The Rescue. Here I Come To Save The Day!

Wednesday, March 2nd, 2016




Let’s be real. This stupid blog is good because of me and my kids, ok? Good luck next year, fool.






I’m just saying your mouth is full and my crackers are gone. It doesn’t take a PhD to figure it out, girl.






LaDuca? Umm…Wait. I know this. Gimme a minute. LaDuca. Can you use it in a sentence?







Siri: Call one of my lawyers, cuz if I see one more bra photo or bad hair gif on this blog, I swear…






I know, right? She pays good money for someone to make her hair look like that. I just can’t.






I should probably shred this since that guy from TMZ is still going through the dumpster out back.






See that one right there? That one’s gonna give me a heart attack or rash before it’s all over.






Living On The Dance Fl—14259516atumblr_ma0jag4WYp1rdq2opo1_500a1

I swear.

That’s how fast they got the Dance Moms party started this week.

I think the screaming may have actually begun before the credits even finished rolling.

As some Mystery Stylist wearing one of those pricey Lululemon yoga tops with the little holes in the sleeves for your thumbs worked on tangling up Abby Lee Miller‘s hair just a little more, the shizz was already hitting the fan within the first 5 seconds of this week’s episode.  Something was going down between Miss Abby and a nameless office assistant and it wasn’t pretty.

Pretty Loud?  Yes.  Pretty?  No.

Abby was screaming and trying to keep the producers out of that backroom/dorm room whateverthatis living space while they stood off-camera, getting subtitled like a drug bust was going down and refusing to budge.  She screamed.  They tried to stand their ground.

She screamed some more.  They stood their ground some more.

Side note:  When your subtitles end in exclamation points, than you know somebody means business.  We’re not leaving!!!!!  We’re not doing it!!!!!  Nope!!!!!

I don’t know if that assistant got fired or quit or what, but she tore outta Dodge like the building was on fire, pushing her way through a whole bunch of people who got busted on national television for doing nothing but standing around looking at each other and holding blue First Day of School Trapper Keepers.

Do they even sell those anymore or did I just make myself sound really old?  Because proper organization is key to a successful school year, kids.  FYI.

Regardless,  the assistant took off like a missile was aimed at her blurred-out head.

And like any good military maneuver…No Starbucks Left Behind.


Did she just steal a pen on her way out or is that her phone?

When all the dust settled, Abby finally made it into the studio, where all the Moms and kids were patiently waiting on the Pyramid of Shame.

Fashion note:  After last week’s successful Dark Denim Day, the Moms had smoothly transitioned into Black And Grey Day, inspired by my MomCrush Jill‘s superhero cape and her Storm from the X-Men leather thigh highs.  Bow Chicka Vertes, right?

a2 You go, Jill.

Storm-70s-X-MenAnd don’t read anything creepy into this, but I would totally buy a Jill Vertes Action Hero Figure and display it proudly on my bookcase next to my Dr. Holly Doll with the interchangeable HollyFaces…which you can totally buy already but I’m not telling you where because I don’t want you to have one.

Side note:  No lie.  One time someone actually Googled “Dance Moms True Facts” and found this blog.  How is that even possible?

tumblr_nnwi1dEwiN1tb8iyko1_500Needless to say, as soon as Ashlee found out that Abby’s assistant had taken her Starbucks and pen and hit the road, she immediately offered to help cover her hours at the front desk.  Which is actually a back desk now, I think.

Which segued nicely into an accusation that Melissa had butt kissed her way into Abby’s good graces over the last 6 seasons, which in turn made Melissa do this…

Wait.  What?

m1And then this and this…

mmmI’d buy a Melissa Doll, too.

Ebay Spoiler Alert:  The price will probably escalate quickly on the secondary market after the Zieglers leave the show, so you might wanna scoop up a couple asap.  It will probably be a Limited Edition 3 pack and come with a bonus puppy that has a bow on its head.

After making it clear she had never kissed Abby’s butt…evah…the producers ran a 42 minute investigative #MelissaMontage that would have made CNN proud.

#ShadyBoots.  I see what you did there.

Look.  It’s the Original Recipe Abby.


What ever happened to that poor office girl?  You think she’s still in therapy?

And look at Kelly and Christi.  We love them.


We should have a Caption Contest for Christi’s face to win a dance bag full of Lifetime swag, even though I think we all know exactly what she was thinking right there.

Anyway.  The Pyramid.

Bottom Row:  Brynn, Kendall, Kalani

…and Maddie.giphy copyI know.

Middle Row:  Nia Sioux and JoJo.

Which left Mackenzie on the Top!!!  Exclamation points.  Three of them.

This week, the gang was staying local and hitting up the Fierce Dance Competition just down the road.  The group routine was going to be a ‘Bitter Sweet Charity’ homage to Bob Fosse (…who Abby 😍 looooves 😍…) that required the girls learn more mature choreography…and do it in heels.

Dat’s rite.  Just like the Big Girls.  Finally.

RIP:  Mouse and Bumble Bee costumes.  It was fun while it lasted.

Kendall and Kalani scored a ‘Grifters’ con-artist inspired duet, while Maddie and Brynn would perform the second duet of the week, ‘Together As One.’  I think you’ve already figured out how this thing’s gonna play out.

As the girls got to rehearsing, the Moms all hit the bleachers and dished about Kira wanting to stay home and feed her new baby instead of being in LA putting ice packs on her daughter’s aching back.

khPoor Kalani.  Her back was KILLing her.

They also squeezed in some snark about Ashlee’s 10000% focus on Brynn’s career, making it sound as though she had left her two other sons back home with just a bowl of food on the kitchen floor like you do with your cat when you go on vacation.  But that’s not true.  And the two sons actually turned out to be a boy AND a girl, so there was a lot of misinformation going around town the last few weeks.

Melissa had just recently found out that the two boys were not actually two boys, but I’ll give Ashlee the benefit of the doubt and assume she already knew she had another daughter since they were really pig piling up on her at the end.

Not gonna lie.  It got a little uncomfortable when they started arguing about on-probation Brynn getting more opportunities than on-the-team Nia, because the whole world already knows I’m #TeamNia.  Or #NiaNation.  Or whatever the kids are calling it today.

Let’s be real.  I love her as much as I love hashtags that make no grammatical sense.

Haters:  Yeah.  #WhatSheSaid.tumblr_nsme5526OE1tb8iyko3_500The next day, we found out that Ashlee had stayed late at the studio and woven the fabric for the girls’ costumes from cotton that she and her two non-sons grew in their backyard or something.  I dunno.  She never really said exactly what it was that she accomplished during her overnight shift, but it did give Jill the opportunity to offer up a power point presentation on LaDuca Dance Shoes, which are pretty well known in the Dance World.

LaDuca.  The Rolls Royce of Magic Dance Shoes.

giphy-1Clearly, dancing in heels for the first time is a way bigger deal for dancers than it is for us non-dancers, even though I do recall wiping out a few times on my platform shoes at the Ground Round.  But that was because they used to let you throw peanut shells on the floor, thank you, not because I didn’t know how to lace up my my my my my boogie shoes.

Google it, kids.  KC & The Sunshine Band.  I don’t have the time or the energy.

LaDuca.  A soft soled, high heeled dance shoe.


LaDuca.  Because young ladies don’t dance in bare feet.  That’s just nasty.

LaDuca.  I’m pretty sure Jill even spelled it out at the end like this kid.


tumblr_nj4fgeWetz1qk08n1o1_500I love Jill.  There.  I own it.

As Kalani and Kendall rehearsed their duet, it was clear that Kalani’s sore back was not going to miraculously cure itself before the weekend’s competition.  Which couldn’t have had anything to do with choreography that required Kendall to body slam her partner into the ground multiple times and then roll over her like she was laying down hot tar.

No.  Not at all.

Long story short:  Melissa’s legal guardianship-ness (…if that’s even a word…) kicked in and she reached out to Kira for the final decision on whether Kalani should risk paralysis or try to snatch that First Place trophy before both legs went numb.

Needless to say, Kira shut that thang down.  Which left Kendall awkwardly trying to do a duet that looked remarkably like a solo for now.

Side note:  Somewhere in all this mess, the Moms decided to take a walk and go film an Old Navy commercial.  Srsly.  I’m not even joking.

Dance Moms:


Old Navy Commercial:

maxresdefault-2If you can tell me which is which, I’ll give you that swag bag AND an action figure.

The walk also gave Ashlee some alone time with Rashlee, which is my new name for Abby.  Did you see her face?  Gross.

dtI mean, besides the fact that she looked exactly like Donald Trump, Abby was also suffering from some kind of viral sumthin sumthin that made me wish we could all go back to standard def television for a few weeks.

Am I lying?  Is that not the same face?


Look again.  And I don’t even have Photoshop on my computer.


But what about that duet?

83467489_350x350Yaaaay!!!  Nia and her sassy cheekbones to the rescue!

niaWith less than 24 hours to go, The Artist Formerly Known As Sasha Nia took on the challenge and immediately got to work trying to sync up with Kendall while the rest of the team looked on.  Stressful, to say the least.  High hopes?   Well…

Finally, it was Showtime!

One:  Did that sign say “FREE Snacks” on the window?  Yes, please.  No wonder they go to these things every weekend.  Mama didn’t raise no fool.

Two:  Abby.

mess What the what?

She walked in like…


…and everyone was all like…


I know you’re not supposed to apply makeup if your skin is irritated, but I’m pretty sure it’s still ok to try and get a comb through it, ma’am.  There’s kids in the room, fercryinoutloud.

Jill and Ashlee went another round or ten before the competition started, but I was so traumatized by the whole #AbbyHair thing that I forget what they were arguing about.  I could make it up, I suppose, but that’s really not my style.




Once again, we wasted so much time with the goofy stuff that there’s barely room for the actual performances.  You know how we do.

Nia and Kalani did as well as could be expected with no rehearsal time and enough pressure to turn a lump of coal into diamond studs.  Even though they only had a few flubs, Kalani was embarrassed, Nia cried and everyone argued about who let who down, even though nobody let anybody down.

I let you down.  No, I let YOU down.  No, I let YOU down.  No, I let YOU down Infinity.

Thankfully, they hugged it out before this thing turned into a 2 hour episode.

Side note:  I heart Holly so much when she makes everything all better.

Maddie and Brynn also had their share of on-stage bloopers when their music cut off.

Again?  Are you kidding me?

mkvI guess all the money these places are losing by handing out free food every week cuts into the maintenance of their technical equipment, because the sound sure cuts out a lot on this show.  Or maybe it’s just me.

Side note:  I like the way Maddie ended the dance by pretending to bite Brynn in the neck and open up that artery that goes straight to her brain.

Check it out.  Brynn’s all like WTF?  We didn’t rehearse this part.

tumblr_o3e1g8X80A1tb8iyko2_500There’s only one Maddie, mmmkay?  Don’t make her Mom say it again.

Backstage, even Kendall got a little mouthy and accused Donald Trump of setting her and Nia up to fail in their duet.  Oh, snap.  Then everyone piled on Abby again for a couple of minutes before the group number hit the stage.


Which.  Was.  Awesome.  Sauce.

Bob Fosse would be proud.  They looked so grown-up and I felt so old.  It was awesome.

Kendall and Nia still eeeked out a Second Place spot, despite the goobers, which left room in the First Place slot for Maddie and Brynn.

And the ALDC group routine?  First time on heels calls for a First Place trophy!

Back in the makeup room, it all went down again one last time before the closing credits.

In this corner:  Ashlee vs. anyone who would listen.

Don’t talk about my kid.  Don’t talk about MY kid.  I’m not talking about your kid.  Yes, you are.  No, I’m not.  Over and over and over.

And over.

Until Melissa broke the fourth wall (…that’s TV Talk, BTW…it’s kinda my thing…) by declaring that “This show is good because of me and my kids, ok?  So just saying…”


Not the fourth wall!

Exclamation point.

tumblr_inline_nozz7yRyyC1seyqdu_500This can’t be good.

And now she’s done?  Because that’s what she said before she left the room.

Just like that, Melissa was gone.

And it was over.  For now.

Uh oh.

To be continued…


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