Toddlers & Tiaras: She’s Baaaaaack! Chill The Go Go Juice And Get Ready For Alana’s New Spin-Off Show. I Bet You A Dolla You’re Gonna Holla When Honey Boo-Boo Child Returns!

May 18th, 2012

Forget the lemonade and iced tea.

This Summer it’s all about the Go Go Juice.

Lots of Go Go Juice.  Tons of Go Go Juice.  Discounted bulk quantities, in fact.

Dat’s rite.  Honey Boo-Boo Child and the Coupon Queen are back!

Alana Thompson, one of the most infamous Toddlers & Tiaras breakout stars in recent memory, is ready to unleash another heaping helping of her one of a kind Pageant Spaz…so you better stock up on Red Bull and Mountain Dew before Mom June Shannon clears every Walmart shelf in town.

Somebody knew a good, totally crazy thing when they saw it.  Alana and June, her accordion coupon binder and that seemingly endless supply of green magic potion are all back in their own mini spin-off show premiering this Summer on TLC.

Umm.  Yeah.  The DVR is already set.

It’s enough to make a grown man holla.

Bottoms up.

Toddlers & Tiaras: Girrrrl, Pleez. Grab Your Passport And Drop It Like It’s Hot. Get Ready To Sparkle All Around The World, Because When Glitz Goes International…It’s A Thriller.

May 17th, 2012

 

 

Those bitches are lucky there’s no Ultimate Grand Fierce category. Mmmm’kay?

 

 

 

 

 

I’m pretty sure they wear my crowns when I’m at school.

 

 

 

 

 

Sometimes the smallest Tiffany box contains the most valuable jewelry. Remember that.

 

 

 

 

And this is how you shake what yo’ Mama gave you.   Any questions?

 

 

 

 

 

Salt-n-Pepa’s here, and we’re in effect. Want you to Glitz It. Glitz It Real Good.

 

 

 

 

This could be one for the record books, people.

Now I’m not an archival statistician…never claimed to be…and the hard drive on my Xfinity DVR is in no way large enough to backlog every single episode ever filmed over however many seasons we have all been closet-watching this show.

And surprisingly enough to many, I may not actually be the authority on all things Toddlers & Tiaras, though I do claim this title on my current resume, business cards and upcoming Walmart tee shirt line.

So with nothing to go on, and no proof to back up any statements I am about to make, I’m going to go out on a limb and declare that this week’s episode of T&T may be the first time in television history that all three Pageant Moms have been…well…almost normal.

Pageant Normal, at least.

It probably won’t make for great sound bites on TMZ because there were no Hooters waitresses in bikinis, no sobbing Russian women having breakdowns and no delusional wives spending all their blue collared husbands’ hard earned income.  There wasn’t even any livestock poop on the hotel bed that Consuela would have to clean up after scrubbing down the spray tanned tub.

They were all outrageously friendly, didn’t have one flip out and loved their kids unconditionally.  I was afraid that there might not be anything for me to snark about this week, and who really wants to read this much fluff without any zingers?  How was this possible?

Oh.  Wait.

This wasn’t held in the South.  That explains it.

And just like that, I gotz my snark back.

Take a deep breath for this one.  The America’s Genuine Jewel All Around The World Glitz Pageant…another breath…was held in white bread Connecticut, so that explained some of the normalcy.

Though many have tried, nobody can take the title of Pageant Crazy away from the South.  I’m pretty certain that at least 5 of the states down there actually have “Home of the Pageant Crazy” as their DMV license and registration motto, which probably looks pretty dope with a “SPKL BBY” vanity plate.

So what the Northeast lacked in crazy, they more than made up for in fierceness and cuteness.  And then more fierceness.

First up we got to meet 8 year old Lacey-Mae and her Mom Kerry Ann.

Little Lacey-Mae is…well…little, because she was born with achondroplasia, the leading cause of dwarfism.

(Again…DanThat’sCool!  We Google it so you don’t have to….!)

Trust me, her size is the only little thing about this princess.  When Mom pulled up to the drive-thru maternity window 8 years ago, everything else was super-sized.

L-M has more self confidence than most of the goofs I went to high school with and more stage presence than most of the glitter babies at the pageant.  If you check out her bio, she has gone through more in her 8 short years than most of us will ever have to deal with, and for that she should get one extra crown just cuz.

You couldn’t help but like her as soon as she got up in the camera lens.  The only problem she has with pageants is that the dresses are either too long, or so heavy that knock her down, or both.  But that ain’t stopping the Lacey Locomotive from tearing into the station, because she was really excited to do her Bollywood and Voodoo Queen numbers at the competition this week.

As proof that I watch waaaaay more Reality TV than I should, as soon as L-M was introduced I chuckled at how many hits the other famous Lacey-Mae was going to accidentally get on her Facebook tonight.

For those of you who still read books or didn’t pay your cable bill, the other Lacey-Mae Schwimmer is that crazy hair whipping bitch from So You Think You Can Dance and Dancing With The Stars.  The one with the Broadway dancing brother Benji, who himself is the sappiest/happiest jazz-hander I have ever seen.

How bummed is the wrong L-M gonna be when she gets home from the DWTS Vegas Show tonight and gets all excited that 5,000 more people checked out her status page?

Psych.

Then we were on to even bigger and badder things…and I pretty much died and went to Heaven for a few minutes.

I went to that part of Heaven you go to when you witness so much fun fierce african-american nubian fierceness that your head can’t contain all the fierceness and you die a little.  That Heaven.

It was time for 8 year old Damitri’ana, her Mom Quiana and Mom’s side kick sister Marquita.  Whoa…that was a mouthful.

One:  Where is this Name Generator Machine located that everyone uses to come up with these names?  I need to find it before I buy a puppy.

Two:  Why haven’t I gone to lunch with these woman yet?

I.  Love.  Them.  We would totally wreck the buffet at Olive Garden, and have the best ride home in a cop car.  Ever.

They are a hoot.  Two hoots, actually.  Two full hoots.  The only thing bigger than their personalities are their weaves.  Girlfriend, call me.  Hit me up on my Sidekick, if you know what I mean.

Finally, we had a musical interlude with 4 year old Mackenzie and her Mom Crystal.

Tiny Mack does that sing-songy thing that always makes me smile.  The thing where the kid can’t just answer a question, but instead has to make a little ditty out of it and bust into a stuffed animal tea party song.  But this one had air guitar.  She’s a rock staaaaahhhh.

Mack’s Dad Jamie is a Pageant Dad that could pass as a normal Dad.  He’s all about his daughter, and is more than happy to work it with finger kisses and pretty feet during the living room practice sessions (…PleasePleasePlease don’t let the guys at the Lodge see this episode…) but could just as easily whip your a** at poker or fly fishing.  Just a normal Joe who loves his kid.

Sir, I tip my Hawaii sun visor to you.

Then it was back to our African roots.  Or Damitri’ana’s anyway.

(Uh oh.  Doesn’t look like the Name Generator Machine took into account how odd that name would look with two apostrophes.  Let that be a lesson to you.)

It was rehearsal time.  Quiana vs. Marquita.  Only one diva would survive….and score a crisp $20 bill in the process.

Turned out that Mom had choreographed D’s African routine, while Auntie dreamed up the Michael Jackson number.  The pageant called for two productions, and it was on like Donkey Kong to see which dance scored higher, and who got the twenty bucks to put towards some new tracks.  Did I already mention how much I love them?

The African number was Lion King meets Beyoncé meets Prince meets I don’t know what.  The Michael Jackson number was the same thing plus some hardcore Mama Say Mamakossa, but without the Lion King part.

Damitri’ana dropped it like it was hot.  Then she picked it up again and dropped it one more time because it was still too hot.  The African outfit she was going to wear had been custom designed by some tailor at some shop that I guess makes African pageant clothes, but it was a little too racy for “Father Figure” Kenny who had just watched a booty girl wear almost the same thing while doing head stand leg splits in a Ludacris video.

(Hey.  TLC gave him that title…not me.  I’m not sure why they couldn’t have just slapped his name under his face and left it at that.  I’m not touching that one.)

But Kenny was out voted.  Sorry, dude.

While Damitri’ana was in the living room dropping it, Mackenzie was in the kitchen spitting it out.

Her flipper, that is.  For her first glitz pageant Mom had invested in a flipper that looked like it was cast from the mouth of a 6 month old baby.  The thing barely fit, and they decided after Mack almost digested it that they would go with her natural chompers, risking the dreaded Glitz penalty points.

Side note.  For a pageant that harped on all the Moms to get flippers, the director certainly had some gnarly enamel.  That’s all I have to say on the subject.

Glass houses.  Don’t throw stones.  Ok.  Now I’m done.

On Pageant Day, it was the usual hotel room carnage.

Mom and Auntie painted up Damitri’ana while promising her that she would be the baddest Real Housewife of Atlanta ever.

Watch yo’ back, NeNe.  And if you really have to wear that Ludacris African outfit, Kenny sez close your legs to pageant judges.

(Seriously.  Do you know how long I have waited to be able to use that RHOA line in an age appropriate fashion that actually made sense in these recaps?  It’s like Christmas just came early for me.)

The only other casualty of the pre-show chaos was Lacey-Mae’s right eye getting glued shut during the false eyelash application.  They managed to pry it open and she correctly identified how many fingers they were holding up in front of her, so it was all good.

The Beauty portion was pretty tame.  For her first Glitz evah, Mack rocked the stage.

Damitri’ana was a little nervous, but pulled off her Niecy Nash look just fine.

Lacey-Mae did this stop and look back over her shoulder head move like she was that chick from GLEE on the red carpet.  Classic.

The World Wear portion was introduced with a bootleg version of Disney’s It’s A Small World After All, and then it was as if all the animatronics came to life and jumped at you on the amusement ride.

Mack did a Portuguese nose pick and Flamenco Dancing Soccer Player looking routine.  Damitri’ana unleashed her African princess and Lacey-Mae did a Bollywood shimmy shake that made me wonder if the stage was being hit by a tremor.  The poor little nugget cried so hard after the Indian routine because she didn’t think she did well and all of the sudden I was yelling at my TV to make sure her Mom hugged her real hard for me.

Quiana and Marquita were spliced in every few minutes so they could head shake and give their two snaps worth of fierceness.  I’m pretty sure that I loved them more in the second half of the show than I did the first, if that was even possible.  Quiana got a couple of two fisted whoop whoops in while giving her roving reporter input on the pageant’s progress, while Marquita made room in her wallet for the twenty dollah that she just knew was coming at her soon.

Outfit of Choice is when the party started.

Mackenzie came out as a human piano, but came to a screeching halt and yelled at Mom from the stage for doing “the motions” during her routine.

What is it about Pageant Moms at that point?  I don’t care who you are.  You can be the most chilled out lady at the Bake Sale, but as soon as your kid gets on stage you think you have your Harvard PhD in Pageant Dancing and you unleash all your inner spaz behind the judges.

Lacey-Mae’s Voodoo Queen number came complete with Gold Bond foot powder that she blew into the judges’ faces as a curse should they even think about taking off points for her dress being too long.

When Damitri’ana busted out her Michael Jackson dance, the place went BaZoinkerz.  Even the tiniest little white girls who had no clue what was going on suddenly got their groove back.  Quiana and Marquita were jammin’ like it was last call at the Apollo.

For those of you who missed it the first ten times:  Love.  Them.

Some of the people in that room may even need an intervention after that routine.  Michael Jackson and Pixie Stix are the new Ecstasy.

Then some kids won some stuff.  Google it if it’s really that important.

All that really matters is that Marquita went home with a crisp twenty in her Louis bag.

I think somebody’s getting their hair did this weekend.

MmmHmmm?

Dance Moms Miami: Everyone Gets Pushed To The Edge Of The Dance Floor When The Circus Comes To Town. Susan Squawks, Abby Walks And Lucas Does His Mime In A Box.

May 16th, 2012

 

 

You choose. Right or Left. Cuz one of them is about to slap your face, bitch.

 

 

 

 

 

 

She is so lucky I don’t feel like getting my butt up off this comfy couch.

 

 

 

 

 

Don’t you worry, baby. I’m crazy enough for both of us. Trust me.

 

 

 

 

 

I can’t believe nobody told me this wasn’t Abby Lee Miller’s studio.

 

 

 

 

 

 

I am just about to go all Miami Sound Machine Conga on her skinny a**.

 

 

 

 

Ladies and Gentlemen.

Children of all ages.

Step right up and witness the amazing Dance Moms: Miami Twisted Circus.

Three rings of Crazy, all for your viewing pleasure.

You’ll see Moms melting down, the World’s skinniest elementary school Mime and more questionably age inappropriate eye liner and makeup than you thought possible in one hour.

And you thought clowns were scary?

That’s right.  The circus came to town this week and plopped its tent right in the middle of the Stars Dance Studio parking lot.  Fresh off their trophy hogging trip to whatever the last competition was called, Victor and Angel already had their sights set on the upcoming Starbound Dance Competition down the street and around the corner in sunny Ft. Myers.

The last time around the dance crew had a pretty good showing, but they didn’t scarf up every single plaque and trophy on the back table.  So for Starbound everyone needed to ramp up their game.  And nothing says We’re Here To Wipe The Floor With The Rest Of You like a spooky Tim Burton number.

But before Victor could get into all the deets he had to bang out The List, because even if the studio springs a natural gas leak, nobody leaves until The List is revealed.

First on The List should have been an explanation as to why we are now in week #6 and they STILL can not find enough chairs for all the Moms to sit in during the big reveal.

Seriously.

If this is how it’s going to be, then I vote for just getting rid of all the chairs.  Lose ’em.

Toss them in the dumpster or put them in storage for the Bob Fosse retrospective.  Make all the Moms stand up like that mean Abby Lee Miller does on her show.  It’s not like they aren’t all going to spend the rest of their studio time sitting down anyway.  After The List is done, the only time any of them get off their butts is to storm out the door in a DivaMom fit.  Am I wrong?

So get rid of them.  Thank you.

Lucas took the top spot on The List, thanks to last week’s high scoring duet with Mensa Girl Kimmy.  The little dude managed to channel his inner Luther and got down wid it in the romantic pairing which almost resulted in another notch on his tree house, if you know what I  mean.  He unleashed some serious Playah for a 9 year old.  He just cracks me up.

Since there is no such thing as a tie on The List, Kimmy was knocked to second place because she still needed to work on “letting go” and just being “in the dance.”  What she is missing in front teeth, Kimmy totally makes up for in technique and Spelling Bee awards.  But she still needs to just chill and enjoy The Dance.

Hovering helicopter Mom Ani immediately got a little on edge when  she heard that Victor wanted Kimmy to let go, because she likes her baby exactly the way she is right now.  If there was a way to stunt Kimmy’s growth that didn’t involve unfiltered cigarettes or reverse steroid shots, I’m almost certain that Ani would freeze-frame Kimmy at 9 years old and keep her in that pink bedroom forever.

After working this hard to formulate the perfect school girl specimen, the last thing Ani needs is to have Kimmy start letting go and risk  her finding out that most kids her age are still asleep at 4am.

Jessi was hanging out in the third spot.  Again, I thought it was because she insists on wearing those micro spandex tops every week, but turned out it was because she got beat in scores by the two 9 year olds.  Not cool, and Victor don’t play dat.

Sammy was in the fourth spot, mainly because I think they needed to make sure the last spot was left wide open for Hannah.

Poor Hannah.  She’s probably one of the most level headed people at that studio, and smart way beyond her years.  But she is saddled with her Mom Debi, who pops off anytime she thinks that someone is making a Fat joke.

I swear if one of the other Moms sunk underwater at the beach and didn’t resurface, Debi would assume the “blub blub blub” was a slam against her chubby kid and let the woman drown.  Especially if it was Abby.

But Hannah keeps plugging away each week, working hard at raising the level of her dancing and lowering the percentage of her carbs like a trooper.

Lucas and Kimmy each scored another solo thanks to their rankings on The List, which left Jessi, Sammy and Hannah in a trio.

Wait for it.  Wait for it…

BOOM!  The Susan Bomb goes off right on schedule.  I think it was actually the exact same time that it went off last week.  Pinpoint accuracy.

Coming dangerously close to blurting out that the fat kid and the slacker kid are going to bring her daughter Jessi down in the trio performance, Susan stormed out, leaving a jet stream trail of crazy smoke behind her as the door slammed shut.

After that overly dramatic performance, the boys laid down the law.  The next time roller coaster Susan walks out, Jessi needs to follow her and the two of them are more than welcome to enjoy the rest of their lives at a studio whose policies on maternal hissy fits are a little more lenient than those at Stars.

The Mom Room was buzzing about all the trio drama from the second they all hit the couch.  Debi and Brigette went another round or two in the never ending Lucas vs. Everybody Battle, and Abby got some serious eye rolling in right as Susan came back inside.  Debi got fed up and scooted to the lobby to read Cosmo with Mayra, while Susan got back up and pulled Jessi aside to unleash some more crazy on her daughter.

The group number was the aforementioned Twisted Circus, a dark music video kind of dance with black balloons that Jessi got to pop in such a suppressed and angry manner that I thought Susan’s face may have been doodled on the latex.

To get them all in the circus mood, Victor and Angel took the kids to Circus School, where they learned to jump and flip and twist themselves into human pretzels.

Jessi unleashed a little more of that suppressed anger by twisting herself around the Cirque du Soleil ceiling scarf as though it was her mother’s neck, while Lucas proved to everyone that he was indeed born with no spine.

Victor took center stage and tangled himself up in the hanging ring like he was a fierce diva parrot on a cage swing.  He said he was bringing circus realness, whatever that means, since every circus performance I’ve ever witnessed was solely based on the total opposite of realness.

Back at the studio, Angel was helping Kimmy with her solo.  I guess.

Since Angel is…umm…no longer in his dancing prime…shall we say, he seems to leave the actual dancing to Victor.  Instead, Angel chooses to wear snug shirts, scarves and little hats while giving each dance move a sound effect to distract us from the fact that he isn’t really dancing at all.

Boom! Pah! Pow! Whoo! Hah! Kpow!

Check it out.  It’s like the old 1960’s Batman TV show but with tighter outfits.

The trio number was based on women who hate each other.  If that sounded familiar, all you had to do was look through the glass into the Mom Room where they were all pointing and scratching each other’s eyes out while the girls were trying to rehearse.

Apparently the Moms have still not realized that the gigantic window is not a two way police mirror, and that the room is not sound proofed.

By the time Susan had blown Nutty #425 for the week, Hannah could hear everything through the glass and started to cry.  Victor scooped up the boom box and pushed all the kids outside to rehearse on hard concrete, while Angel Boom Pah Powed his way into the Mom Room to lay some smack down.  Much like his shirt, it just wasn’t pretty.

As the rehearsals dragged on, Abby was getting concerned that Sammy needed to get home and study for a test the next morning.  Say wha–?!

Yes.  That means the kids actually do go to school at some point during the day.  I would have totally lost that bet, since I’ve never seen one backpack or Trapper Keeper anywhere in that studio.

But turned out that Sammy isn’t a big fan of Kimmy’s sunrise homework rituals, so Abby wanted to go home.  When Angel got wind of such utter nonsense, he threw yet another Angel Spaz and sent everyone home to prove a point.

Since I’m not a dancer outside of los discotecas, I was a little surprised that none of the other Moms stood up for Abby.  Instead, they all slammed her for putting the entire competition in jeopardy and potentially sabotaging the trio.  The Dance comes first it seems, and they all stay in Dance Prison until it is perfection.  If that means the book report is late, so be it.

Did anyone ever ask Baryshnikov what he thought about the character and plot development in the second chapter of Catcher in the Rye?

No.  I didn’t think so.

Despite all the drama, everyone made it to Starbound in one piece.  Victor made his entrance in yet another tiny hat, Angel brought out yet another ManPurse delicately cradled in the nook of his arm, and Lucas rocked his signature Kanye West shades.

Seeing the Stars Grand Arrival is more fun than the competition itself.  There needs to be some kind of trophy for the pre-show, too.

Lucas did his solo with no shirt on again.  Beyond the fact that it’s a little creepy to be envious of a 9 year old’s six pack abs, the whole shirtless thing is played out.  You know that everyone in the auditorium is going to pick him up off the floor in a big bear hug at some point in the evening, so I would prefer his bare skin not be pressed up against every grown up in the joint.  I’m all set with that, thanks.

Kimmy had some timing issues with her solo, but she’s going to graduate with a 4.0 and someday own Microsoft, so who really cares.

Susan and Jessi went another couple of laps around the Crazy Track before the trio performance, which put additional pressure on the kids.

It should be noted that Jessi’s makeup barely budged when Mom made her cry like a baby.  She bawled, but that stuff didn’t move.

Memo to the FAA:  Whatever eyeliner it is that Miss Thing uses should be used to mark and track every black box on every plane that ever flies over a body of water.

In-de-structible.

The Twisted Circus number was twisted, and award winning.  Lucas was a Mime, and he actually made it into half a shirt.  Baby steps, I guess.

Sammy kinda sorta dropped Kimmy during a flip, but nobody could determine who was responsible.

The original blame fell on Kimmy, according to Sammy.  But then Lucas whispered that it wasn’t Kimmy’s fault.  And then there was so much backstage screaming and yelling that I lost track.

Abby stood up for Sammy, declaring her innocence, while everyone else blamed Sammy and pointed fingers like villagers storming Frankenstein’s Castle.

Then more screaming and crying as Abby stormed out the door.  There was a lot of that this week.

I’m not sure if anyone even asked if Kimmy’s head was ok.

It was a total circus, I tell you.


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