Bring It!: Y’all Put The Trunk Down And Get Ready To Throw Down Because It’s Gonna Be A Nashville Smackdown!

August 22nd, 2014

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Girl, please. You just took the plastic nose off a pair of iParty glasses. I still see the mustache.

 

 

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Then she ’bout poked her eye out. Those Groucho glasses didn’t even have any lenses.

 

 

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You pick, baby. Just don’t take the one the lady’s touching. She might have got some Krazy on it.

 

 

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I don’t know Jazz, but I can snatch an iPhone if this chick kicks my damn seat one more time.

 

 

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I just wanna know why she always gets to be Beyoncé every time we play dress up. It ain’t fair.

 

 

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Dat’s rite DDPs got Junk in the Trunk, suckahs. Chocolate ones, Oatmeal ones and Snickerdoodle!

 

 

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I know y’all only showed up cuz you thought I was from Real Housewives of Atlanta, mmkay?

 

 

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Hit our sales goal. Increased our profit margin. And I’m still the pretty one. Now who’s laughing?

 

 

 

I say it every week.

Why can’t this show be two hours?

Lifetime Television needs to work on that, because there are just too many important Life Lessons to be learned and way too much hilarity to ensue (…not to mention some actual dancing parts…) in every episode of Bring It! to confine it all to 60 minutes.

Less than 60 actually, if you subtract all the Raising Asia commercials and the hundred or so times that Tim Gunn comes on screen and says “Turnt Up For What?” like he even knows what that means.

So, yeah.  Bring It!  Expanded Edition, please.

This week Dianna Williams and the Dancing Dolls were Saving a Horse and Riding a Cowboy all the way to Tennessee for the Nashville Spring Showdown.

Nashville.  Music City.  Where dreams are made, hearts are broken and a 15 foot tall musical note always seems to get stuck half way down the flag pole on New Year’s Eve.

But that Times Square Crystal Ball-wannabe and the 6.5 hour bus ride weren’t the only things bigger and better this week.  The competition was also super-sized, with both old and new faces coming up against the Dolls.

The scoop would have to wait a few minutes though, because we started the episode out on the sidewalk with it’s Rittany bitch and quiet little Crystianna sharing a motivational Mother/Daughter moment.

Rittany was proud of the growth that shy Crystianna had shown so far this year, but now that her baby was stepping into a leadership role with the Dolls it was time to ramp it up.

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This is our season.  Turn it up, just like they do on Project Runway.  Then leave it on the floor.  Then pick it back up again.  We need to go straight Beast Mode.  Who dat?  Who dat?  Chest pump.  Let’s do dis!  Let’s do dis!

Oh, and while you’re at it…get more confident like yo’ Mama.

Lawd.  I couldn’t tell if Rittany was just being supportive or getting ready to shove her kid out of an airplane at 40,000 feet with no ‘chute.

And that part about being more like her Mama?  My girl Seloncé heard that and right away she was all like AwHellNah We Don’t Need Another Rittany In The World, Thank You Very Much.  And then she gave us that ShantayYouStay Seloncé Walk she always does right before she and Rittany go a few rounds.

Seriously.  Could we love Sunjai‘s Mama any more than we already do?

The answer is No.

I’ve said it before…Seloncé is crazy.  But the good kind of crazy.  Capital ‘K’ Krazy.  And she knows it and wears it proudly like a badge of honor.  Just like she was wearing her new, totally on-trend Dirty Nerdy Girl glasses.

You know the ones.  The kind of specs that get comic book geeks all flustered and sweaty in their boy parts when they Google hot chicks who post selfies wearing nothing but bikini tops and tortoise shell rims.

I guess it’s not just the Kardashians.  Apparently Harvard and M.I.T. girls also like to make pouty faces before they go back to the lab and splice RNA at the atomic level.

Not gonna lie.  If there’s not a two hour bonus disc in the Season One DVD Box Set that is nothing but scenes of Seloncé and Rittany pointing and snapping at each other while Mimi shakes her head side to side like she’s Stevie Wonder, I’m going to be pretty upset.

Those two give me Life when they fight.  Life…with a capital ‘L.‘  Just like the ‘K.’

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Back inside, Miss D was going over the Nashville deets.

The Dolls would be going up against Nashville’s own Royal Dazzlers and Glam Squad Majorettes, as well as  the Elite Starz, the Mini All-Starz, the Ladies of Excellence and the Girls Who Try On Lip Gloss At Sephora And Then Put Their Nasty A** Q-Tips Back In The Cup Instead Of The Trash Can.

The Ladies of Excellence were the Doll’s biggest rival this week.  The last time they met, Dianna and the girls beat them so Miss D knew the LOE and Director Brittany Grayson would be gunning for a win.

You remember Brittany.  We like her, even though I still think someone needs to check the chlorine levels at whatever pool she swims in because her eyes are always too pink.  She also has that one random curl in her bangs that always reminds me of the lady you see in the HOV lane on the way to work who is completely oblivious to the fact that she still has one lone pink curler in her hair.

Some things you just can’t rush in the morning.  Truth.

In Nashville, the Dolls would be competing in the Creative Dance and Stand Battle categories, which meant that Captain Kayla got to unleash another KaylaFace when she heard the words ‘Jazz’ and ‘Funk’ in the same sentence.

I can’t.  No.  No.  I’m not doing that.  I’m sorry.

If you know Makenzie Myers from Toddlers & Tiaras, than that last quote was hilarious and probably the funniest part of this whole recap.  If you have no idea what I’m talking about, I apologize for wasting your time.  And shame on you for never watching T&T.

More shame on you than was felt by those of us who actually watched it.

And that’s a lot of shame.

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But since I’m such a nice guy, I’ll go out of my way and attach the aforementioned classic Makenzie Moment at the bottom of this story so you don’t feel left out when everyone else is raving about all the hilarity next time you’re at work.

Anyway.  The Creative Dance portion would be a duo or trio instead of the usual 85+ Dollapalooza, so Dianna was requiring anyone interested to audition for the part.

Sunjai, Crystianna, Camryn and Makalah (…where’d you come from?…) were all about it.  Kayla, on the other hand, got as far away as she could from all that jazziness without actually going outside the building.  Which was lucky for her, because things were really getting Capital ‘K‘ out there now.

Seloncé was tired of all the MamaRules.  Especially the one where they all have to stay outside and try to read lips through the slats of the window blinds.  Not liking it.  At all.

Since I have no clue how the brains of all these awesome Mamas work, I don’t really remember how they went from lip reading to discussing the plausibility of planting a James Bond 007 microphone chip in Sunjai’s braces to simply deciding on a Target run to pick up a baby monitor…but somehow that ended up being the plan.

They needed to hear what was going on inside the building and since dangling Tina through an open air vent wasn’t really an option, planting a baby monitor inside the building was gonna have to do.

CNN Newsflash:  Babies…and baby monitors…ain’t cheap.

So time for a Bake Sale!  I believe that Tina (…and Dr. Seuss…) said it best:

Everybody likes Cookies and Sweets!  Everybody likes to eat!’

I would have agreed with her but you need both hands for the Fat Girl Shuffle, so I owe her a High Five when my bowl is finally empty.  It’s Booty Booty E’rrywhere when my stories are on, I tell you.

Cammie, Crystianna and Makalah made the trio.  Sunjai got cut but had her usual good attitude about the whole thing and took it as another chance to learn and grow.

You go, Girl.

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Kayla took some heat from Miss D for not being willing to try other forms of dance and not making enough of an effort to get out of her comfort zone.  She had a bit of a wake up call and realized that she may need to push herself more.  Since I’m still not a big fan of growing up and being an adult myself, I felt her pain.  She had a sad KaylaFace that I didn’t enjoy very much.

Side note:  Did I already mention that Dianna has one of those big satin State Fair Valentine Teddy Bears that you win by popping balloons on her bed at home?  Because she totally does.  I don’t think Robert is a big fan, though. His RobertFace was kinda like ‘What Is This Thang?’ when they climbed into bed for the night.

With one night to go before their road trip, the Mamas pulled up to the bumper with a trunk full of cookies and then the party really got started.

Two dollah, dollah bills, yo.

Mamas getting s*** done.  That’s what it’s called.  They even had a glitter glue sign dingle dangling from the trunk that made it look more like a real bakery and less like a 20 minute oil change at Jiffy Lube.

Those bitches thought of everything.  In the event of an emergency, there was even a secret ‘Hooty Hoo’ call that was the cue to shut the down the entire operation and evacuate like everyone did when the Three Mile Island plant melted down.

Since I was still mid-Fat Girl Shuffle when the initial plans were laid out, I may have misunderstood part of the DDP emergency alert explanation because I swear Mimi said ‘Hi De Ho‘ was the code word.  Which I guess would be fine, but I did wonder why she thought it would be a good idea to break into a Cab Calloway/Duke Ellington medley if anyone saw Dianna coming to the front door.

My bad.

It didn’t really matter, though, because when Miss D opened the front door it was total chaos.  With a Capital ‘C.’

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Tina and Seloncé dove under the car like it really was Jiffy Lube while Mimi shoved $20 worth of perfectly fine ginger snaps down the back of her pants.

Two hours.  Make this show be two hours.  Now.

Finally, it was Showtime!

After a few touching moments with Kayla on the bus and an interview sniglet with Tina and her old wig (…she cried and made me sniff my nose…) it was clear that these Mamas love their babies no matter what.  I just wanted to hug everyone.  Even Mimi…even though I could tell she still had some leftover baked goods in their somewhere.

Nashville was Off.  Da.  Hook.

To Maximum Capacity and Beyond!

People on the floor.  People in the balcony.  People lined up outside like it was Black Friday at Walmart.  Way too many people.

Side note: Most of the gymnasium was covered up in these huge tarps, so I don’t know what they were hiding back there.  And I’m so nosey that it was killing me.

They were the kind of gigantic concert curtains that I thought were going to all of the sudden drop down and then there’d be some big explosive pyrotechnic sumthin sumthin and then an insane live performance by  Rascal Flatts or Sugarland or Lady Antebellum or Brooks & Dunn or that’s all the country groups I know.

(Yeesh.  Sorry.  Didn’t plan that sentence out very well.)

But that never happened.

The emcee did look like Derek J. from The Real Housewives of Atlanta, though.  But I knew it wasn’t really him because he wasn’t wearing lady shoes.

Bloop!

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The Dancing Dolls trio did amazing.  (Spoiler Alert:  They won!)

And then the Po Po shut it all down.  Hi De Ho.  Time to go.

Listen up.  Listen up.  The event was way over fire code capacity.  Way over.  So according to Derek J., everyone had to pick up their toys and go home immediately.

Without even doing a Stand Battle or nothing.

I know, right?  Not cool.

The Dolls were literally on the bus longer than they were in the building.

After watching the trio perform, Kayla realized that it was time to step out of her own shadow and start taking a few Buck-Free dance classes.  It was time to grow a little and she was excited to spend her last year with the Dolls learning everything she could from Dianna.  She’s gonna make her Mama proud.  You heard it here first.

Growing up is hard, but it can be fun I heard.

So it was a short trip, but a good one.  The Dolls scored one trophy.  And probably a few cookies that fell behind the spare tire.

All in all, Nashville was a success.

Now back to Jackson.

Hooty Home, y’all.

…And as promised:  Little Kayla.

You’re welcome.

DD4L!

 

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Dance Moms: Sorry, No Funny Title This Week. Abby-phobia Has Hit The ALDC. No Theme. No Music. No Clue.

August 20th, 2014

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She better pull a group dance outta her butt soon or I’ll be late for hosting Meet The Press.

 

 

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No, seriously. How many studios does she own? And does she know she’s wearing two bras?

 

 

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Oh I know this new Senator’s wife is not gon’ come in here trying to steal my look. I called Red.

 

 

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I know, right? All side swept. Don’t tell the girls, but I just overslept and didn’t have time to curl the other side.

 

 

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Seriously? Again? Imma ’bout to get all Sia on this new chick and wrap her head in that curtain.

 

 

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There was a giant bug and it went in my ear and then my brain. Now we need a Girl Party and some Raid, asap!

 

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I swear that perfume Jill keeps regifting is burning my eyes. I’m going blind back here, lady. F’realz.

 

 

 

With apologies to John Lennon.

Imagine there’s no drama.

It’s easy if you try.  Unless it’s Dance Moms.

Then all bets are off.

Or something.  I’m still working on that last line.  But you get the point.

There was a new Competition Sheriff in town this week and it had everyone on the edge of their saloon chairs.  The Imagine Dance Challenge in Woodbridge, VA would bring the ALDC face to face with one of their toughest rivals in the circuit and it was clear as soon as the credits stopped rolling that Abby Lee Miller was already off her game a little.

Starting with the Pyramid of Shame, of course.  Which, if you squinted a little bit, actually kinda sorta looked almost triangular this time around.

Clearly, it’s tough to create a legitimately pyramidal (…is that even a word?…) composition with only five glossy head shots, because Abby’s been struggling the last few episodes.

This week began with Abby’s favorite game:  Name That New Girl.

Jade Cloud was in the hizzle, replacing nervous little Sarah Hunt who had been booted off the Team last week when her Holy Roller ‘I Think The Garbage Needs To Be Taken Out’ Mom Christ-y finally pushed Abby’s last button.

You remember all that hilarity, right?  Christ-y definitely needed some time to chillax, which would also give that tiny niblet Sarah a chance to replenish some of the fluids she lost by crying non-stop through two entire episodes.  Poor little peanut.

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Besides having a name that sounds like she was one of the Jem and The Hologram girls, Jade also has a mother who looks like her face should be on the butt end of a car.

Whoa.  That didn’t come out the way it was intended in my head.  That sounded kind of rude when I proofread it a second time.

What I meant to say was that Mom Loree looks like her face should be on one of those shiny political ‘Vote for my Husband for City Council’ bumper stickers, because she totally looks like one of those Washington Ladies you see on CNN who host those Washington Lady Lunches where Michelle Obama and Oprah tell everyone that America’s children don’t eat enough broccoli.

Because she does.  Look at that Washington hair.  I bet it doesn’t even move in the wind.  I’m totally voting for her husband in 2016 and I don’t even know what he stands for yet.

Since Maddie is currently MTV‘s It Girl and could be pulled away at any moment to star in the next Sia video or fly to the Moon on that plane Justin Bieber wants to buy, Abby was still looking for someone to play the role of Dance Princess #1, should Maddie no longer be able to fulfill her duties.

Enter Jade.  Just like little Sarah did.  And Kalani Hillicker did before her.  And Kamryn Beck did, until she had to go on hiatus to speak at the Neurophysics Symposium in Geneva, Switzerland.  Because that’s totally why the Kia Kamster wasn’t there this week.

(Autographed copies of Kamryn’s book “How To Over Achieve And Still Rock A Glitter Headband” will be available in the lobby, BTW.  Credit cards only, please.)

Bottom of the Pyramid:  Chloe and Nia.  So wrong.

The middle tier:  Completely hogged by the Ziegler Gurlz.  MackZ and MaddieZ.  MackZ needed to stand up straighter because Abby had a lot invested in her budding youtube career.  And MaddieZ went on the Ellen Show, so yeah to that.

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And there was Kendall at the top!  She killed it last week with her Phantom of the Opera face dance and my MomCrush Jill couldn’t have been any happier.  I was hoping Jill might have been so euphoric that she’d bust out a little spontanious celebratory Gangnam Style, but that didn’t happen.

This week’s competition was a new one, so Abby was nervous.  Especially since the girls would be coming up against studio bleu…one of their toughest rivals.

studio bleu is a pretty big dealio in Virginia.  They spell their website name all in lower case letters with the ‘E’ and the ‘U’ reversed just like a day spa, so you know they mean business.  Unfortunately, all that fanciness totally freaks out my Macbook’s auto correct, so if there are a couple of Studio Blues in here instead of studio bleus…blame Apple.

Jade and Chloe both scored solos.  Christi did some quick math and figured out that…once again…Chloe was going up against the New Girl like it was some kind of sadistic weekly freshmen hazing ritual.

Mom wasn’t happy.  And neither was Daughter.  I don’t remember the last time I saw either of them actually smile, which makes me sad.

Up until about 30 seconds into the Pyramid, Abby’s original plan was to go up against studio bleu (…that just looks wrong.  My high school grammar teacher would be horrified right now…) with some amazing, yet unseen group routine.

But now, after rethinking the group’s chances against studio bleu, Abby decided to shelve the number until Nationals.  Which meant that there was no group routine to rehearse.

None.  Nada.  Zero.  Zip.

As the Moms headed up to the MomPerch, the girls stood around looking at themselves in the mirrors waiting for some direction.  It was clear that Abby had no idea what to do next.

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It was also pretty clear that Holly is a side sleeper, because all her sassy new hair was mashed up on one side during her first interview sniglet.  Or, wishful thinking, maybe my long-term goal of getting Dr. Beyoncé to unleash her Inner Hip Hop Majorette with the Bring It! girls was finally working out in my favor.

Boom.  Bam.  Pow.  DB4L!  (See what I did there?)

Dang, Gurl.  Getting your money’s worth at the salon this week.

As the Moms sat upstairs trying to figure out how many bras Loree could comfortably wear at one time (…see photo evidence Exhibit A above…) Abby finally figured out what to do with the hot mess she had made of the group routine.

Phobias: What freaks you out?

Maddie: Being Alone.  Chloe: Public Speaking.  MackZ: Bugs And Auto-tune.  Kendall: Crowds.  Nia: Needles.  (..Girrrl…I hear dat...)  Jade: Heights.

Then they did a quick improv based on their individual phobias, except for MackZ who saw an invisible bug and ran out of the room and then ran back into the room and then saw another invisible bug and then ran all the way upstairs when everyone started laughing at her for doing so much unnecessary physical activity.

If MackZ is going to stay MackZ and not revert back to Mackenzie Boo Boo Child she’s gonna need to grow a pair.  And stat.  Even Mom Melissa said so.

Clearly, Melissa was already agitated before MackZ showed up (…see photo evidence Exhibit B above…) due to the fact that Loree was shamelessly stealing her look.  Bitch.

When Abby tried to calm MackZ down by saying “You don’t think people laugh at me?” my ego momentarily took over and I was all like ‘OMG she totally reads my blog!’ until I realized that she was probably referring to all of Kelly Hyland‘s tweets.

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I miss Brooke and Paige.

With two days to go before Virginia, Jade got to working on her Miss Saigon dance while Chloe fine tuned her dark ‘They Don’t Want My Kind Around Here’ solo.  Not that Abby noticed, of course, because she was too busy phutzing with Jade’s spandex.

It also didn’t go unnoticed that when Abby had insisted on putting my girl Nia in an afro wig a few years ago Holly blew the Nutty Heard Round The World, but when Jade was handed a Geisha fan all Loree said was ‘She looks the part.’

Wait.  What?

Afro wig or not, it’s still The International Year of The Nia.  So there.

Because of all the drama surrounding the Attack of the Invisible Bugs, MackZ got herself benched from the group dance (…literally.  There’s literally a BENCH you have to go sit on when you’re benched at the ALDC…) which now bumped the remaining girls up into the Teen Category.  A higher age group with bigger, stronger girls.

Which is never good.  Loree said so.  You never bump a group UP.  Always DOWN.  She also said “Vote for my Husband for City Council” about a million times.

We get it, honey.  We saw your car in the parking lot.

Totally unrelated, Holly had sunglasses on her head.  Just needed to point that out because accessories always make the outfit.

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Finally, it was Showtime!  And crazy crowd hysteria when the ALDC pulled up to the curb.

Oddly, the studio bleu girls were waiting for them outside like they were all going to link arms and not allow them access to the building.  Not really sure what that was all about.

Inside, Abby could barely look the Moms in the eyes as they tried to figure out a way to drop the ALDC team back down to Pre-Teen or TweenyBop or Junior or whatever they call the lower category.

By (…literally…) benching MackZ, Abby had messed up the average age (…who knew there was so much arithmetic involved in competitive dance?…) and now the team was stuck going up against girls twice their age.  And size.

As she flipped through the show’s program book (…that either had some local advertising or pornography on the back cover because it was all blurred out…) Abby made some lame excuse about needing to do online banking instead of figuring out what to do with MackZ.  None of which made any sense, because…One: You need a computer for online banking, not a dance program…and Two: It just didn’t make any sense.

Loree’s last minute attempt to convince Abby to allow the bug-infested MackZ back in the routine (…which would totally screw with the Time/Space/Age/Math Continuum enough to bump the ALDC back down a notch…) failed miserably and the team was stuck in the higher category.  Holly thought it might work, since Abby respects Lorre as a dance studio owner.  Apparently, Loree owns almost as many studios as she does undergarments.

Side note: Loree also stole Melissa’s look again at the competition.  That’s twice in one week.  This s*** is going down in some back alley before Nationals, you know dat.  Don’t act surprised when it happens, because I’m telling you ahead of time.

Side note #2:  I swear Christi was wearing one of Loree’s bras in one of her interview sniglets.  Did you see that tiny barely spaghetti strappy looking teal thing?

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Whoa, Mama.  There’s kids in the room.

Jade’s solo was amazing.  That girl can contort.  But Mom was concerned because acro is not her thang.  And judges either love it or hate it.

Chloe did great.  She always does great at performance time when it’s time to get it done.  She just needed to relax a little more.

Backstage as the girls ran through the group routine one last time, Chloe somehow got into Maddie’s orbit, or personal space, or whatever dancers call it and Abby flipped her lid.

It was clearly an accident and didn’t require paramedics or any stitches, so I don’t really see what the big deal was all about.  But you know how Abby gets when someone goes near her prized porcelain Maddie collection in the china closet.

And how about that studio bleu Director?  You tell me she wasn’t a perfectly replicated DNA splice of Walmart Dance Mom Leslie Ackerman and that loud Christ-y Church Lady from last week?  Seriously.  Go back and look.

OMG.  Twinsies, right?

The group routines were both da bomb, even though studio bleu looked like they could babysit the ALDC girls if all the Moms wanted a night off.  No joke.

From the perspective of someone who knows nothing about dance but talks like he knows everything, I thought the studio bleu girls were outta sync once in awhile and that the ALDC team showed more emotion.

But I also thought that Loree, Jill and Melissa were going to have a Dance-Off in the audience and that never happened.  So, whatever.

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Which would have been Awe.  Some.

End of the day, Chloe took 6th Place but still didn’t smile.  Jade turned herself upside down and inside out for 3rd and (…intentionally or not…) gave one of the best fake smile/side eyes EVER to the 4th Place girl when she stepped up to grab her award.

Kaeli, who came out of nowhere from studio bleu and must have done her solo during that Raising Asia commercial (…did I miss something on a snack break?…) won First Place, which made that Leslie/Christ-y woman get all emotional like I do when my Spring allergies first start acting up.

And then the ALDC got the First Loser Award:  Second Place.

Beat out by their own babysitters.  Not cool.

Needless to say, backstage didn’t go so well after the trophies were all handed out.  Loree implied that Jade had lost because of Abby’s guidance.  And choreography.  And musical selection.  And complete lack of online banking skills.

Melissa kept looking at the back of Loree’s red dress like today might be the day it all goes down.  Again, you heard it here first.

Jill and Holly were pretty low key this week, all things considered.

And MackZ had bugs all over her.

Really gross ones.

Ha.  Kidding.  Psych.  Get back in here, you crazy kid.  It was a joke.

Or was it?

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Raising Asia: It’s My Blu Ray Birthday Party And I’ll Roller Skate If I Want To. Mama Lets Daddy Take The Wheel.

August 16th, 2014

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You’re just a body builder. You don’t understand what it’s like having to stop at every shoe store.

 

 

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I love my Nana Vicky, but if I see one more macaroni and glitter bracelet while she’s here…

 

 

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She’s like 6 years old. She won’t even know I’m taking selfies. Oh…that’s a really good one.

 

 

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No wonder my Mommy acts loopy sometimes. The air is so thin way up here on these heels.

 

 

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AwHellNah. Don’t even tell me I see silver shoes and a gold bow. Do I have to do everything?

 

 

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When I say they all drive me crazy, I don’t mean crazy. I mean Kray-Zee.

 

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Srsly? My kid is gonna be headlining in Vegas by the time this guy posts his damn blog recap.

 

 

 

Finally.

Raising Asia is back.  And the recap is back.

My bad.  A little bit, anyway.

Mostly it was Xfinity’s fault, though.  Blame them.

I guess the deal is that Comcast can show every anatomical naughty bit on Spartacus and Gladiator, but they pixelate Asia Monet Ray.  Or at least that’s what happened last week during some technical drama.

Internet glitches aside, the DVR seems to be working just fine now and I managed to infringe on numerous broadcast copyright laws and extract some hilarious photo sniglets.

So it looks like we’re good to go now.

Let’s get caught up on both weeks, shall we?

What you missed last time: Muscle Dad Shawn and Not So Much Muscle Manager Billy Hufsey met up at an Indian restaurant to compare six packs and argue over who was actually Asia’s biological father.  Billy had crossed the line a few times in the first episode by implying that he spent more time with Asia than her actual father did, and that’s just not something you say with Shawn Ray in the room.

Shawn still looks like he eats the same size servings of rib meat that always tipped over Fred Flintstone‘s car at the Bronto Burger Place and Billy still looks like his hair rubs off on the pillowcases every night.

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My girl Kristie had a few issues with the Reality TV Awards event that Asia was scheduled to attend.  The stage was too small and was clearly not conducive to her usual mini-Beyoncé antics, so at the last minute Kristie and Anthony Burrell toned down some of the sass and everything went just fine.

Shawn still wanted to get more involved in Asia’s career.  Kristie still wanted Shawn to stick to doing the heavy lifting and leave the Momager stuff to the Mom, because that’s why they call them Momagers.  Der.

We also missed Asia doing some math homework at the kitchen table.

6 x 5 = 30.  6 x 6= cop an attitude with yo’ Mama.

I love my iPhone, but clearly Apple and their cell phone calculators are going to be the downfall of Society.  Like Planet of the Apes.  But instead of talking monkeys burning down our cities, it will be kids who can’t count clogging up the 10 Items or Less aisle at Piggly Wiggly.

It’s gonna happen.  And they’ll all have big thumbs from texting too much.

But the most important thing we missed last week was the arrival of Nana Vicky!!

We love Nana Vicky.  Kristitie’s Mom showed up to help run the show while Shawn was off handing out PowerBar samples at GNCs around the country.  (I don’t really know if that’s where he went or not, but I really like Shawn and I really like the blue raspberry drinks at GNC, so it was an inevitable connection.)

Nana Vicky looks like she makes really good pasta.  That’s not an ethnic thing.  Or an age thing.  Or nothing.  It’s just that some people look they would make good pasta.  And probably from scratch the way her best friend taught her one weekend.

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Plus, pasta is good for carbo loading, so you know that Shawn would be all over that idea like white on unprocessed whole grain gluten-free rice.

Nana Vicky, sister Gina and Kristie hit up a quaint little brunch place where Kristie’s marriage and life/work balance were immediately laid out on the table.  Nana cried because she was concerned about the strain that managing Asia’s career was creating between Shawn and Kristie.  Gina was all like Yeah What She Said and then offered up her own unsolicited insights.

Kristie got a little fidgety and I could see her left earring starting to whip around, so you knew what kind of storm was coming.

And then the Lifetime post-production people edited the whole thing to look like Kristie got up from the table, didn’t pay her part of the tab, stole a wine glass and left the building.

Now I know my girl Kristie.  She’s a fire cracker.  Maybe even a loose cannon sometimes.

But she would never bolt on her Mama and sister.  At least not without laying down a twenty to cover her part of the appetizers.

As for the missing glass…I don’t know if she’s hurting for crystal stemwear at home or not.

That’s really none of my business.

And now you’re caught up.  Let’s see how this week went down….

We started out with Kristie putting her superstar through some stretches and back flips up in that converted-bedroom-turned-rehearsal space, where Asia’s flexibility and skill were clearly on display for the world to see.

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Not so much for all the black electrical tape.  Looks like Kristie won that camera crew battle, because all the little pieces of tape blocking top secret government information on Asia’s framed certificates were MIA.  Remember those?  They were like the black bars you put over people’s eyes before you post dirty stuff on Facebook.

I mean, not me.  But some people.

It was all gone.  That’s one point for Kristie, if you’re keeping track.

Downstairs, Nana Vicky was folding warm towels (…they had to be warm, you know, because everything Nana Vicky does is done with love and that always makes everything feel like a hug…) as Kristie answered a call from Anthony.

He was wearing a hat.  You could just tell.

From the moment that Asia’s career began to take off, Anthony and Billy have been at odds on the direction of her trajectory.

Anthony really believes Asia can become the next Beyoncé, while Billy feels that she should focus on being the next Miley Cyrus.  Not the new teddy bear-humping one that always make you feel like you need to floss and Purell your hands when she’s done performing.  Definitely not that one.  That s*** nasty.

Billy’s talking about the old Disney one.  Or something similar.  He even went as far as creating a song (…Spoiler Alert: That Anthony HATES…) on his Garage Band app.

Turns out that Anthony knew Tina Davis, who had previously worked with Chris Brown (…on his music, not his left hook…yeah, I went there…) and it just so happened that she was going to be in town soon.  Maybe Kristie would like to meet her?

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One…I’m very happy with Billy.  Two…I need to go and dangle my kid from 40 feet of red satin.  Buh bye now.

It’s true.  Asia has a freakin’ aerial silk thingamajig contraption in her backyard.  Like Pink swings from during concerts.  And award shows.  And probably the grocery store.

Shut.  Up.  And it even came with fabric, a tool kit and an on-site choreographer.  I’m serious.  Shannon Beach was standing there like she just came out of the same box as the assembly instructions.

As Asia unintentionally strangled herself like Maddie Ziegler in that Sia video creep fest, baby Blu Ray was not happy.  Asia’s little sister wanted to swing around, too, but Mom wouldn’t let her.  This was Asia Time.

How much do we love Blu Ray?  I mean, c’mon.

Nana Vicky to the rescue!  Blu Ray…you wanna do crafts?’  Which is totally code for: You’re In The Way, Gurl.

My code when I was little was: ‘Danny…you want a Pop-Tart?’  I’m sooo on to all you Moms and your tricks now.

As Blu Ray created her 49th pipe cleaner masterpiece and ate some paste (…do kids still do that, or did I just really date myself?…) Asia fell out of the tree and went off to vocal lessons, where we got to see yet another glossy photo of Billy from Fame without his shirt on.  I’m all set that, thanks.

We also got to jam with Asia as she tried out Billy’s new Disney song.  I don’t know what Mom and Daughter really thought about the little ditty, but Billy was into it.

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Into.  It.  Like that Uncle who showed up at your recital.  You know the one.

He was into it, too.

I’m sure that Mr. Hufsey is a pillar of his community.  I just don’t know if it’s Billy’s monotone hair or his eyebrows, or what…but something just screams ‘Uncle.

Next, for a little decompression after the last few hectic days, Kristie and Asia hit the Mall with Jordan Jones and her Mom Kelly.

JJ is Asia’s BFF from Abby’s Ultimate Dance Competition.  She’s a really good dancer, but I believe that her fingers are permanently fused into a V-Shape, because I can honestly say I’ve never seen a photo of her when she’s not flashing a Peace Sign.

Unless she’s a Vulcan, of course.  But I think they use all four of their fingers to make that Star Trek gesture if I recall correctly.  And now that you mention it, the Art of the Dance requires emotions, which Mr. Spock didn’t have.  So never mind.  Forget I said anything.

I like JJ’s Mom, too.  Except she always looks like she just changed the pool liner all by herself.  She just always looks tired.  But she gave sage advice to Kristie on how to be a Dance Mom (…Tuesdays @ 9pm…free plug…) and then they all went home.

Somewhere in all that excitement we got to watch Anthony listen to Billy’s new Disney song and lose his marbles.  His hat almost fell off he hated it so much.

And we saw Asia taking some kind of How To Audition class at the I Used To Be On The TV Show Fame Billy Hufsey School For Fame.  I’m not really sure what it’s called, so that may not be 100% correct, but it was definitely one of those kind of places.

Asia read a script and a bunch of people who looked like they had just auditioned to be on a show about auditioning to be on a show watched her and then applauded politely.

Whatever.  We needed to get back home and play dress-up with Blu Ray and Kristie.

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Did I already ask how much we love Blu Ray?  Because we do.

Mom realized that she needed to shift some MomLove over to Blu Ray’s side of the room, so they set aside quality time to wobble around in Jimmy Choos and just be normal.

Blu Ray and I can now both testify that it hurts to be this beautiful.

I’m glad it wasn’t just me.

After snatching back her shoes, Kristie took Asia to dance rehearsal, where slippery Anthony had Tina lurking in the back hallway for an impromptu, unexpected and clearly not appreciated meeting.

Anthony won’t be doing that again.

Finally, it was the build up to Blu Ray’s Birthday!!  And time for Shawn to start playing a bigger role in Asia’s day to day activities.

Day One: Attend a dance rehearsal with Anthony, kick your wife out of the room, watch your kid do a face plant onto her bad knee, deal with your wife running back in and getting all IToldYouSo up in your face and then taking that same kid outside for a heart to heart on why she isn’t allowed to roller skate at her sister’s Birthday Party.

Shawn explained that roller skating was just too dangerous.  One good fall (…Number Two if you count the one she just completed before stepping outside with Dad…) and her WannaBeyoncé career would be over before it even started.

The one thing he didn’t explain was how his shirt got that big tear on the right side of his waistline like someone knifed him on the way over.  What kind of neighborhood do these people live in?

Hopefully Day Two will be better, dude.

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And then the longest pink limo ever rolled up to take everyone to the party.  The whole gang was there, ready for manis, pedis and some roller derby action.

After a quick trip to the spa, everyone hit the rink for pizza and skating.  Even Nana Vicky and Gina were up for getting down tonight, along with whoever that lady with all the blonde ’80s hair was.  Yikes.  If you look quick, I swear that Kristie tried to push Gina down, but that could be editing again or Gina taking too long getting her wheels going.

Asia looked a little mopey watching the festivities from the sidelines, but she explained it away by letting us know that someday when she was more famous than you, she would buy the whole damn rink and make everyone pay to watch her skate in a circle.

Divas to the Skate Floor.

Side note:  Originally, Kristie had intended to pull Asia out of the party early for a photo shoot, but I knew she wouldn’t.

Girlfriend loves her family…and cake…way too much to leave leftovers on the table.

And it’s not a Birthday without presents, right?  Surprise!!

Blu Ray got a life-size pink car that she and Asia immediately confiscated and drove out the front door like bank robbers.  Apparently roller skating is too dangerous for an upcoming mega-star, but driving a Barbie Hummer straight into oncoming traffic is not.

Because that’s what almost happened until Shawn jumped a hydrant and saved the day.

Hit the gas, Blu Ray.

Next stop:  Planet Hollywood.

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