Bring It!: Nyuck Nyuck! It’s Soitenly Kayla’s Big Surprise When Tina, Mo And Mimi Leave It On The Floor.

August 15th, 2014

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Before you start thinking about scratching that itch, remember that’s her Mama upstairs.

 

 

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This town ain’t big enough for two Beyoncés, yo.

 

 

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I have no idea where she got all that sass from. No idea at all.

 

 

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Either my head just got really big, or these are some tiny opera glasses.

 

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I didn’t even have the heart to tell her those are gift shop binoculars that only show slides of the Grand Canyon.

 

 

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I don’t care if that boy is taking her to the Moon. If the plan involves a 10 piece bone-in I’ll do it.

 

 

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Haters gonna hate. Don’t you bitches be jealz that my baby girl is dating the Fruit Of The Loom Grape Guy.

 

 

 

Did you feel it?

The warm fuzzies?  I know you did.  Because I did.

It was the softer side of Bring It! this week as Dianna Williams and the Dancing Dolls got all romantical…on and off the gym floor.

And that tingle you felt?  It wasn’t just balloon static.  It was prom night jitters and the magic of lyrical dance as the Dolls got ready to leave it on the floor.

All of it.

And speaking of.  You can leave the bone in, too.  Cuz that’s how Miss D likes it.

This week was the Leave It On The Floor Jamboree right around the corner and down the block in Jackson.  No traveling, no packing.  Nothing.  Just the local favorites playing host over at Tougaloo U again.

I keep thinking that was Bullwinkle‘s alma mater, but then at the last minute I always remember he graduated from Wossamotta U.  Like Whatsamatta You.  But not.

At this latest competition the Dolls would coming up against the Golden Dazzlers, the Protege Jackson All-Stars, the Girls Who Insist On Wearing Raggedy Old Ugg Boots Even When It’s 100 Degrees Out and a new team considered to be their biggest rival for the crown…Virtuous Divine.

(Two words that no one has ever used when talking about me behind my back, BTW.)

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The biggest challenge for the Dolls this time around would be the Creative Dance category.  Miss D had created a soft, flowy, lyrical jazz routine like the ones you see on So You Think You Can Dance that always make the Hot Tamale Train Lady do an ugly cry.

Dianna even decided to take the girls out of their military issued red and black, sparkly fringed DD4L outfits (…crazy talk, I tell you…) and put them into soft, flowy, lyrical jazz costumes.  The kind that aren’t really nightgowns but you’d still probably not wear them to work without a slip on underneath.  And a bra.  A bra, for sure.  And maybe even granny panties, because now that I rewind the tape, they’re pretty flimsy.

A lyrical jazz number also meant that technique was key to a successful performance.  Which was fine with Camryn, Crystianna and Sunjai.  They were all down wid it.

Our girl Kayla on the other hand?  Not so much.

Soft, flowy, angel arms aren’t really her thang.

She’s more of a Oh Hey Now. Welcome To My Yard. You Here For The Milkshakes? kind of gal, which would explain why she used up half her weekly quota of KaylaFaces in the first interview segment.

While the girls got to work inside, the Mamas were outside making the world a better place for the rest of us.

As you’ll recall, Seloncé had missed the last competition because the Real Sunjai and the cardboard cut-out Sunjai had both gone to Prom.  Which clearly is a bigger deal than I remember it being when I was young.  Was there even such a thing as ‘Prom’ before selfies or did the Kardashians invent it?

Full disclosure: I went to my junior high junior prom (…yes, that’s what they called it…) all by myself because some bitch broke up with me a week before the dance.  And she was the only other person there flying solo.  That wasn’t awkward at all.

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And now you can all feel guilty for not only refusing to pay for this blog and helping it turn a profit, but also for making me dredge up all the memories that I had successfully suppressed for all these years.

I wish I had known about the cardboard cut-out princess trend back then, because I totally would have propped a fake Sunjai up against the table and shown that 8th grade (bleep) that I was already moving on and it was her loss.

PS.  Years later, she’s unhappily married with a monkey baby named Karma.

So, yeah.  Winning.

As Seloncé rambled on and on, it’s Rittany bitch and I were beginning to wonder if maybe Sunjai’s Mama really did throw on a ball gown at the last minute and sneak into the Prom through a back door.  I couldn’t tell.  And Mimi was no help because she was just running around being all Mimi.

Which was Awe.  Some.

Peaking through the windows, it looked as though all the girls were picking up on the lyrical choreography except Kayla, who seemed a little distracted.

Turns out that her boyfriend Mo (…yes, like the Stooge.  They pointed that out early…) had not yet asked her to the Prom, which was kind of a big deal seeing as how Jackson apparently has Proms and Hip Hop Majorette Competitions every weekend during the academic year.

But have no fear.  Mama Tina had it all under control.  Even though she was not a big fan of her baby girl growing up, she had worked out an elaborate plot with 1/3 of the Stooges that would allow him to surprise Kayla at the Dollhouse and pop the question.

Not THE question.  Just the PROM question.

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The set up was that Mo would text Tina when he arrived.  Tina would then call inside to Dianna, who had skipped lunch so she could chow down on a 10 pc. bone-in dinner with fries and Coke, all in the name of Young Love.  Miss D would then send Kayla across the street to Wings ‘R Us or something, where KJ would pick up some takeout and steal all Dianna’s change while Mo snuck into the studio with a million Fruit of the Loom balloons and a haircut that reminded me of Little Bow Wow.

It was like they were invading another country it was so elaborate.

And it worked!

When Kayla came back with a bag of snacks and no change, Mo was standing there like a holiday underwear commercial while the girls laid on the floor and spelled out the word “PROM” with their bodies in a human crop circle.

I know, right?  Not gonna lie.  Got a little misty.

Duh.  She said YES.

And before any prom, you always go to the spa for a facial.  Unless you’re going alone with no friends in the 8th grade, I mean.  Then you just lay in the dark and hope your salty tears don’t make Clearasil run into your eyeballs.

But if you’re Sunjai and Kayla, you hit the Aqua Spa and get covered in guacamole.  They make cute BFFs.

Twenty four hours later and it was Prom Night.  Little Mo Mo showed up at Kayla’s house with a tight new ‘do, a frilly corsage and hint of Old Spice and flop sweat.  He was promptly greeted at the door by my boy Terrell and his sideways baseball cap.

And what I believe was the Spanish Inquisition.

I love Terrell.  He ‘s one of those Teddy Bear Baby Daddies that wouldn’t hurt a fly unless you try and put the moves on his Baby Girl.  And then the hat…and all bets…are off.

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He snuggled right up to Mo on the couch and grilled him so hard that one of Mo’s braids came undone.  But Mo’s intentions were good.  No spiking the punch.  No hands under the table.  Not even much breathing while Terrell was all up in his grill.

When Kayla came downstairs…dang, girl.  She looked gooooood.  Of all her KaylaFaces, KaylaPromFace was the prettiest so far.

And her gown matched the artwork on the back wall.  No lie.  Check the selfies.

Finally, it was Showtime!

And time to meet Virtuous Divine Director Fulvia.

(Side note:  Since I’m clearly not going to be able to quit my day job and live off this hot mess of site, I’m thinking I should hire myself out as a Human Name Generating Machine for shows like Toddlers & Tiaras and Bring It! because they have the best names evah.)

Fulvia had some crazy a** crisscross leggings on and looked like she should be on VH1 for some reason.  No particular show.  And no particular reason.  She just had the look.

The VD’s Creative Dance routine had a salsa flavor to it, complete with capes and costumes that should have come with roses between their teeth.  Clap Clap!

The Dolls, on the other hand, were dressed in their Anti-Doll nighties, all baby blue and flowing lyrically every which way around the back room.  Totes Gorge, girls.  Whoever does all that elaborate swirly eye makeup needs a raise.  Dianna actually tweeted out who does the artwork one time, but I forget.

Out in the auditorium, it was SRO.  Only Tina was MIA.  She had to work.  I guess she was covering Rittany’s shift as an IOU.

Mimi was being Mimi again.  Which was still awesome again, while Seloncé was trying to check out the competition through a pair of those tiny little binoculars that hang off the key rings you can buy at any Jackson Visitor Center rest stop vending machine.

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They’re impossible to see through, especially when they’re upside down and three feet away from your face with the lens cap still attached.

It was truly a Seloncé Moment that did not go unnoticed by Rittany.  Seloncé is crazy.  But the good kind.  The kind that ends up in a hospital after they kill you.  Not jail.

That kind of crazy.

Seriously.  Why can’t this show be two hours?

(Shout out to JJ!  Looking fly there in the audience, dude. )

Then VD hit the floor and the crowd freaked out.  (The more you read that last sentence, the more unintentionally hilarious it gets in a CDC pandemic outbreak kind of way…)

Q.  Does Tougaloo U even have a basketball team?  Anybody know?  Because if they do, I don’t know when they can hold games with Dianna hogging the gym every weekend.  Maybe they only do away games.  I should do some research on that later.

Both VD and the Dolls did great in the Creative category.  There was one tricky upside down half scorpion one leg bent flip thing that Miss D had put into the grand finale that Kayla nailed.  During rehearsals KJ usually ended up sitting on Tamia‘s head, so it was a nail biter right ’til the end on that one.

Someone else wobbled a little, but the base held onto her leg.  (My TLC CheerFriends will be proud that after all these years I finally know what a ‘base’ is, thank you.)

And then the Stand Battle hit the court.

The Dolls were back in black.  And red.  Even the powder blue eye makeup was gone and replaced with shades of DD4L.  That was impressive.  It takes me two days to get a Sharpie off my fingers but they made a complete shift to the other end of the Pantone scale in about 30 seconds while I was in the kitchen getting a snack.

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Shandreika, Virtuous Divine Captain, proved that you can never wear too much gold eye shadow or have too many letters in your name.  She was really pretty and had some serious moves on the dance floor.  The most notable one being holding up a co-VD dancer for 45 minutes over her head.

Which is what the whole team did.  No lie.

They tossed this little girl up into a split and just held her there while she pointed at Kayla all like WhatchooGotNow? 

Nobody knew what to do.  Do the Dolls start the next Stand?  Do they just watch the little girl sit there for another 15 minutes?  Do I have time to go downstairs and put my last load in the dryer?

Are you done?  Are you done now?  How ’bout now?

Whatsamatta U?

Eventually, Virtuous Divine lost all feeling in their arms and dropped the little girl, but not before I had ironed my clothes for the rest of the week and Tina had finished her shift and already gone home.

And then the Dolls won Creative!

And then the Dolls won Stand Battle!

One and Two.  Done and done.

A clean sweep.

Now go home and rest up, little cowgirls.

Because next week is Nashville, y’all.

DD4L!

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Dance Moms: If You’re Gonna Talk The Talk, You Better Walk The Dawg. It’s 3 Soloists, But Only One Star…For Now.

August 13th, 2014

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If I turn this way, you can totally tell I only had time to curl three pieces of hair before breakfast.

 

 

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I am phoning it in this week. Maybe what we need is fewer Girl Parties and more sugar.

 

 

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Nia in a dog collar? I swear, if that electric fence around the Moms wasn’t turned on right now…

 

 

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The Ellen Show has a game where you fall in a box and are never heard from again. Hmmm…

 

 

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I got carded at the Teen Choice Awards after-party! And Zac Efron was totally checking this out!

 

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Yeah. I know, right? Claire’s was having a sale. Look who’s wearing a trendy new headband!

 

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Really? So this how we’re gonna play the game today?

 

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I was wondering if you had one of those logo t-shirts in XS. And if you could make today suck any harder.

 

 

Here we go.

Another episode of Dance Moms.

And for the second week in a row, the New Team was MIA.  On hiatus, Abby called it. 

Just so we’re clear.  Abby spent the bulk of two seasons crossing the country looking for her new and improved Dream Team, threatening the Old Dream Team with their imminent arrival on a daily basis, auditioning them, training them, dressing them in ALDC tube tops and then ended up only using them twice before sending everyone on Spring Break?

Really?  Why didn’t somebody send me a text? I would have totally dropped everything and gone down to one of the Open Call Auditions if I had known it was only a two week commitment.  I never leave the house without my ATM card and some leg warmers, so that wouldn’t have been an issue.  Boy Scouts are always prepared, you know.

So yes, they were down a few dancers.  But no worries, because what they lacked in bodies this time around, they more than made up for in drama and headbands.

A lot of headbands, actually.  They were heavy on the headgear this week.

I blame that new girl Kamryn Beck for single handedly bringing back the noggin noodle.  She’s the one who was late to her first day at the ALDC because she was out in the parking lot notating the molecular density of a complex mixture of asphalt and mineral aggregates, trying to determine if the hydrocarbons were insoluble in carbon disulfide.

Seriously.  All I asked this chick to do was fill the damn potholes, not add another page to her resume.  Over-achieve, much?

We even got a quick flashback of the Kia Kamster listing off everything that she accomplishes in a day before I even get my a** out of bed.  Nice headband, by the way.

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As the Old Team scooted in for the Geometric Shape of Shame (…it wasn’t even a Pyramid, fercryinoutloud…) they were already down another dancer because Melissa and the oldest Ziegler were off in Hollywood taping The Ellen Show, where Maddie would be recreating the Sia music video.  This television appearance would give Maddie some serious national network exposure as well as give Abby the opportunity to say Maddie’s name like a mantra every 15 seconds for the remainder of the show.

Truth.  If you edit out the word ‘Maddie’ from this week’s episode there were only about 247 other words spoken for the entire hour and most of them were just Holly saying “OhNoTheyDin’t just put a dog collar on my baby” over and over again.

Count ’em.  I ain’t lying.

So the Pyramid of Shame was really just a square this time.  Maddie was on the bottom row because she was in Hollywood, which messed with my head because I thought the Pyramid was based on LAST week’s results, not the current week.

Poor punching bag Chloe was also in the basement because she fell during the “Broken Dolls” group routine.  I forget the exact ballet terminology for the move she wiped out on, but it sounded like when someone makes fun of how British people talk.

The final spot on the bottom was for Nia.  Ballet’s not really her thing either, but it doesn’t matter since we’re still in the International Year Of The Nia.  Snap in a Z formation.

The top row was home to newbie Sarah H., MackZ and Kendall.  Nothing earth shattering to report.  Sarah was still shaking.  Kendall didn’t appear to be breathing at all.  And MackZ get penalized for being short.  Thankfully her fish lip headshot was on the mirror or I would have completely forgotten she was on the show this week.

Abby announced that the gang would be heading to Shenandoah Valley for the Powerhouse Dance Competition.  Kendall, Nia and Chloe all scored solos and the group number was entitled “Gypsies, Tramps And Thieves.”

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But not the hoochie kind of tramps.  Abby was quick to point out that these tramps were like Charlie Chaplin tramps.  So they weren’t dirty.

I dunno if it’s still fallout from that fiasco when the girls were all naked dancing with fans or what, but somebody in the Legal Department always seems to make sure Abby clarifies that nothing is ever dirty anymore.

Charlie Chaplin ate a shoe, but he wasn’t nasty.  Are we clear?

As the girls started rehearsing the not-dirty group number, the Moms hit the MomPerch to discuss this whole Maddie Thang.  New Christ-y could already tell that Abby was grooming Maddie for super stardom and playing favorites.  Old Christi didn’t want to gossip, because you didn’t hear it from her, but she had heard that Sia’s studio called the ALDC looking for girls and somehow the whole thing ended up being an opportunity that was only offered to Maddie.

(Full Disclosure:  Old Christi also went on a Twitter bender after the episode and said that the show was edited and that she didn’t exactly say that exactly and that what she said wasn’t exactly…you know.  That also sounds exactly like I creep her on Twitter, which I don’t.  Because she won’t exactly follow me on Twitter.  So there’s that, too.)

My MomCrush Jill was understandably concerned that Kendall was once again only playing the role of Maddie and not really getting a chance to shine on her own.  I was understandably concerned that we were already three episodes into Season 4.5 and Jill hadn’t worn anything crazy yet.

I’m gonna need my girl to put on some ostrich feathers and throw a shoe pretty soon or we might have to break up.  I don’t wanna say I started something, but America lives for the Jill Vertes Fashion Watch.  I hope Daddy Vertes didn’t cut up her Chico’s card.

With three days to go before competition, Melissa and Mini-Sia were back in the hizzle bragging about their time with Ellen DeGeneres.  Maddie had slayed her performance, Sia had oddly faced the wall with her clothes on backwards for the entire song and Melissa had neglected to bring back even one postcard for her friends.

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Since Maddie was on another level now (…ALDC MindGames: The Sequel, coming soon to a theater near you…) Abby decided that Maddie should assist in the choreography.

That went over well as the solo rehearsals kicked into high gear.

Kendall’s prop was going to be a mirror and a big ol’ Phantom of the Opera scar on her right cheek.  Clearly, not just another pretty face.

Chloe had apparently somehow missed 4 years of dance classes and according to Abby was no longer a contender for the top titles, which made me want to immediately go and post a sad face on her Instagram account.  We love Chloe and her pouty face.

And then Nia came out in a dog collar and the party really got started.

Abby wanted Nia’s “Underdog” routine to be truly authentic, complete with barking and other canine randomness.  Holly wanted to go downstairs, take off her shoes and earrings and just lose her nutty but she knew how much Nia hates standing around in a dog collar and Petco leash while her Mom has a stroke.  So she didn’t.

And me?  Well, apparently I wasn’t paying attention in the beginning when Abby handed out the solos because up until this point I thought Nia was going to be the “Have no Fear! Underdog is Here!” cartoon.

Not gonna lie.  A little disappointed.

Holly was quick to point out that Jazz Dog Dances don’t win many trophies, which is exactly the discussion I was having over cocktails the other night.  What are the chances?

During another group rehearsal, I believe that MackZ and Sarah were somewhere in the building, but I didn’t actually see them.  Upstairs, Jill did some quick math in her head and realized that Maddie had somehow learned Kendall’s dance behind everyone’s back and wanted Melissa to fess up about how this keeps happening.

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Now I don’t know enough about home schooling to make any judgements, and I know people who are both for and against the topic, but when Jill pointed out that Maddie only goes to the kitchen table for one hour a day and Kendall goes to public school for 8 hours a day, I was all like Wait…What?

I’m leaving the debate for all the Gymboree chat rooms.  I’m not getting in the middle of this one.  All I know is that when I was in public school and I suggested that we only stay in homeroom for one hour and then go to the cafetorium and dance for the rest of the day, I got sent home with a note for my parents.  So I dunno wassup with kids nowadays.

But somehow Maddie got a private with Gia and learned the dance just in case Kendall disappeared in the woods behind the studio.

Chloe struggled a bit while practicing her solo because she hadn’t gotten to the studio until 3pm that day (…gah, school…) whereas Maddie had been at the studio since 8:30am.  Clearly the Ziegler Gurlz do their one hour of home schooling before sunrise while Melissa milks the cows out back in the barn.

And speaking of Gia.  She came in with the not-dirty-at-all Gypsy costumes and once again…one costume short.  No Tramp Tights for little Sarah.

Will somebody please dig through that landfill of a front desk and find Abby’s calculator so she can finally get a proper headcount?  Thank you.

Needless to say, Christ-y got all Not Very Christ-y-like and started to come unscrewed.

Side note:  Anyone else notice Christ-y’s hair?  I don’t know if she was in the middle of curling her hair when the Leggo My Eggos popped up or what, but she never finished.  It looked like when QVC demonstrates that contraption that gives you soft, luxurious beachy curls but they only do a few of them so you can see the Before and After difference.

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But it didn’t really matter, because the next thing you know Abby told Christ-y to pray to the God of FedEx (…good luck with that by the way, I try it every Christmas Eve…) and then all of the sudden she called Abby ‘Trash’ and got both herself and her tiny girl kicked out of the competition.  Again.

I swear it’s gonna be a race to see who has that stroke first.  Holly or Sarah.

Deep, deep…way deep…down Abby still has a heart I guess, because she felt bad and offered Sarah the chance to join them on the bus as long as her Mom didn’t come along.  Unfortunately, Christ-y wouldn’t let Sarah out of her sight and ended up taking her back home.  Where she has been “since birth.”

Which didn’t creep me out at all.

I guess four Dance Moms, five tweeny bops, a fleet of cameramen, two sound guys, my boy Director Jimmy and a bus driver who looks like Santa without a beard aren’t trustworthy enough to babysit Sarah for a sleepover at the Ramada.

Finally, it was Showtime!

Kendall’s costume was basically Maddie’s costume.  Jill was momentarily mesmerized by all the pretty sparkly stuff and it gave me hope that once the weather cools off a little bit, the Jill Vertes Fashion Watch will be back in full swing.

Nia’s costume was pretty elaborate and did kind of look like what you would expect a dog to look like if you put lipstick on it and let it do a Death Drop for treats.

Love me some Nia.  Even if it wasn’t the International…blah blah blah.  She’s awesome.

Chloe had on a leotard.  That’s all.  And an ALDC logo on her chest.  If Abby had thought to put “Kick Me” on her back with glitter glue she probably would have.  The only thing on stage lamer than her costume was the actual Powerhouse logo.  I don’t know why Abby has to be so mean to our little Chloebird.

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All the solos went amazeballs.  I could totally relate to how hard it is to dance while holding a vanity mirror.  Just saying.

And can we all just take a moment to truly appreciate Jill’s face while Kendall was dancing?  What the What was going on there?  Mama likes, I guess.

Miss Nia got all Mad Dawg and got it done.  She marked every judge’s hydrant, if you know whaddimean.  Take that, Abby.  Who let the dawgs out now?

Chloe got even taller and more graceful than last week.

Results:  Nia 4th.  Chloe 2nd.  Kendall 1st.

The group routine wasn’t dirty at all and came in First Place.  There was also a special award given to the emcee for rocking that argyle sweater and TJMaxx hat.  (Don’t forget that Back to School sales are already in progress, people.  Shop early.)

Back in the Science Lab/Makeup Room (…Seriously.  How many people do you think Googled the word “Homeostasis” after seeing that construction paper ransom note all over the back wall?…) Abby was still being Abby.

They team did good.  Very good, in fact.

But never good enough.  Maybe they needed to be threatened all the time.  Maybe they needed a new dancer or two to keep them on their sickled toes.

Maybe Nia could make a few more of those reactionary backstage faces, because they were The.  Best.  Ever.

Augh.  New dancers again?

Ruh Roh.

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Bring It!: A New Miami Rival Brings Out The Inner Beyoncé. If You Liked It Then You Should Have Put Some Thug On It.

August 9th, 2014

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Oh my goodness. What’s that on my blouse? I got a little Beyoncé on me that just won’t come off.

 

 

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What’s Up? What’s Up? Ready to throw some KThug? We ain’t scared of Miss Kayla. Or her Mama.

 

 

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Seriously?

 

 

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Word Up. Imma thinking that lady with the My Little Pony Cameo hair hasn’t met Tina yet.

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I don’t see anything, but Mimi swears there’s still some of those tasty leftover cupcakes in there.

 

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Hold Up. Nobody told me THAT was her Mama. Girl, Bye. I’ll be on the bus if anybody needs me.

 

 

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Really?

 

 

 

 

Sing it with me if you’d like.

Mimi, can you handle this?  Seloncé, can you handle this?

Tina, Gurl Pleez…I know you can handle this.

The rest of you?  I don’t think you’re ready for this DDP cuz Yo Mama’s too bootylicious for me, babe.  Can you handle this?  I don’t think you can handle this.

That’s right.  Bring It! brought some Beyoncé-inspired bucking to Jackson this week.  And not just the Sunjai‘s Mom kind.  The Real One.

Or at least some moves and music inspired by the only famous part of Destiny’s Child.  (What?  What do you mean too soon?  They broke up like ten years ago.)

As soon as the credits rolled, Dianna Williams was already in the Dollhouse giving the 411 about the upcoming Just Dance Competition.  They were staying local, which meant less packing but more pressure as the reigning Hometown Favorites.

This week the Dancing Dolls would be facing the Ladies of Sparkle, the Magnificent Marching Models, the Jackson All-Stars, the YCDT SupaStarz and the Girls Who Hold Up Cash Register Lines Because They Insist On Digging Through Knock-Off Louis Purses While Holding A Samsung Galaxy Between Their Ear And Shoulder.

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1…Put the damn phone down, my ice cream is melting.  2…It’s not like you’re talking to the White House.  Where you at, Barrack?

Miss D explained that this week their biggest competition would be the YCDT SupaStarz.

They’re from Miami, bitch.

And they spell ‘Stars’ with a Z so you know they mean bidnezz.

The SupaStarz are a contemporary team with a style that is very different from Dianna’s team.  Being from Miami, most of the SupaStarz have access to a lot of performing arts schools where they are not only exposed to every possible form of dance but can also easily access the free wi-fi to go online and talk smack about the Dolls.

Which, apparently, they do quite often.

But Dianna wasn’t worried.  Because talk is cheap.  Show me whatchoo got by burning a hole in the floor when you come to Jackson.  Cuz then you’re in my house.

I love when Miss D gets all bug eyed.  I bet she spits her gum out when she gets too excited and never even realizes that it’s gone until she’s back home tucking in Cobe.

The two categories that the Dolls would be hitting hard this week were Creative Dance, where that whole Beyoncé thang would come into play and the Stand Battle.

Since the Dolls can bust a Stand in their sleep, the focus for the next few days would need to be on channeling their inner Sasha Fierce for the competition.  And they didn’t waste any time getting right down to work while the Mamas all got right down to doing what they do best on the other side of the front door.

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Today’s Jackson MS Weather Report:  Hot.  And Sunny.  A little bit of a Mississippi heat wave.  So naturally my girl Seloncé showed up in head to toe black, complete with big googly sunglasses and prescription eye drops from Walgreens.

Turns out the poor thing had an eye infection, which had apparently blurred her vision so drastically earlier in the day that she couldn’t tell the difference between bermuda shorts and black pleather leggings.  Because that’s what she was wearing.

Leggings.  Made of not-leather.

And I loved it.  Because I love me some Seloncé.

Especially when she’s keeping the KrazyKnob at 100.

I bet she smelled exactly like a cross between a new car and one of those beauty salon supply stores that you’re not allowed to shop at unless you have a cosmetology license.

Mimi and Tina seemed a little better prepared for the humidity, but I don’t think anyone can ever be completely prepared for Seloncé.

With two days to go, Dianna was working the girls hard.  The YCDT SupaStarz came out of the womb dancing (…ouch….) so the Dolls would need to step up their game in the Creative Dance portion.

The Stand Battle would include a Dog House Remix of their most infamous routine, where we’d get to see Kayla and one of her many KaylaFaces do her business like a puppy who’d been stuck inside all day.  Which meant that we got to see Miss D crawl on all fours and then lift her leg on an invisible fire hydrant that I totally would have walked into if she hadn’t marked it for me.

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So yeah, there was that.

Meanwhile, over in Miami…the YCDT SupaStarz were working on their own canine choreography.  Who let the dawgs out?

But first.  Can we?  Director Traci Young-Byron.  How awesome was she?  With her retro MTV hair cut and air brushed makeup and those eyebrows that you shape with a MAC stencil?  Awwwwesome.  Between her face and her Hit The Floor outfit I swear she was wearing every color I’ve ever seen HSN sell to those ladies in Boca.

When they make her into a Cartoon Network superhero show, she’s going to look exactly the same.  I know you can picture it.  She’s going to fight crime in high tops and only her closest friends will know that the spray painted red chunk in her hair is actually how she gains cosmic powers from the sun.

On the YCDT website Traci has a headshot that is SO Miami that it even smelled like a mojito when I scratched it with my lucky Lotto penny.  And I’ve never even been to Miami.

So I totally know what I’m talking about.

Traci dissed the Dolls for being Country and then unveiled her two snarky Stands:  The Captain Krunch (…calling out that thumb thing Kayla always does on the side of her nose…) and The Hush Puppy (…walk this dawg and see how you like it…)

Ooooh.  Going up against Kayla and Tina?  That’s Whack.

Back in Jackson, Miss D and about 85 Beyoncés were working out the kinks.

WalkWalk.  WindWind.  HairHair.  ChairChair.  DivaDiva.

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Some of the girls were getting it.  Some not so much.  Some were just sitting around trying to cross their legs.  For a second I mistakenly thought that I saw last week’s cardboard Sunjai Disney Princess leaning up against a metal Office Depot chair, but the actual Sunjai eventually got her freakum dress on and it was all good.

Outside the Dollhouse, the Mamas were also digging the tunes and having a hard time standing still.  Especially Tina and Seloncé.

So what better time than now for a Walk-Off, right?

HipHip.  WerkWerk.  SnapSnap.  RightLeft.  EastWest.  UpDown.  JiggleThatJaggle.

I’ve watched that 90 seconds so many times that it’s burned into my plasma.  When I come to Jackson, that’s how we’re all walking into the klubz, yo.  Love me some DDPs.

And then, suddenly, the whole thing somehow veered a little to the left and we were momentarily transported to another dimension.  A dimension not only of sight and sound but of mind.  A journey into a wondrous land of  imagination.  And oversharing.

And feminine hygiene.

The TMI Zone.

Did you know that when Mimi scratches her foot it makes her pee pee jump?

Well, you do now.

Did you know that both Maxwell House coffee and Seloncé are good to the last drop?

Because they are.  Otherwise I have no explanation as to why she tinkles and then finds it necessary to do the same dance they do on the Travel Channel when Hawaiian tourists first come off the plane in Waikiki.

Did you know that lady parts were even called pee pees?  I didn’t.

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Or that anyone over the age of 6 years old still calls it ‘tinkling?’

Now try to erase all of that from your brain.  I’ll wait.

(…Awkward silence…)

Didn’t think so.

Thankfully, before all the lady talk made me go as blind as Seloncé, Miss D came outside with some good news:  DDPs were in the show!

Whaymit.  What?

The Dancing Mamas were going to be the Secret Weapon in the Beyoncé dance!

I don’t even know what happened next, because Tina got so excited she threw herself threw the plate glass door and started shaking it like a Polaroid picture.  Mrs. Jones does love a good shimmy shuffle.

After the fastest costume change since I saw Cher‘s Farewell Tour, all the Mamas entered the building like Bootaay Royaltaay.

Dianna wanted them to show their babies some attitude.  And to buck.

And to make it stank.

I’m pretty sure she also told Tina to FedEx me one of  those “Team Big Girl” shirts in a size Medium.  I shouldn’t have to beg, lady.  Hook a brother up.

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(Side note:  No lie.  Right about here was when I realized that we hadn’t seen much of that spunky new white girl yet.  Or her Mom.  And then I swear there was a reflection in the mirror of some white Mom walking behind Dianna and I was all like ‘Oh…my.’)

White boys can’t jump and…well, you know…

Finally, it was Showtime!  And the arrival of the YCDT SupaStarz.  Which gave me Life.

Life, Hunty.

Seriously.  Did you see them walking that hallway in their Miami hoodies, all like ‘Oh, I’m sorry, I didn’t even see you there Mr. Cameraman.’

HeelToe.  HeelToe.  HeelToe.

Life.

Backstage, Seloncé was a hot mess of nerves, rubbing her legs together like she was about to hula dance all over the floor.

Mimi and Tina were chillaxed, though.  And it’s Rittany bitch was back in the audience after about 78.5 hours of OT this week.

That girl works way too much.

Since we never get to see the entire showcase, there are always a few background moments that don’t make too much sense to the viewer.  Like why some of the Dolls were dressed up like Elvis and Rocky Balboa in these white capes during the pre-game prayer.  That’s gonna bother me for a day or two.

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And why did Dianna and some random dude in yellow sneakers run out onto the floor right before the Beyoncé routine scooping up 20 miles of fabric with no explanation?

Maybe I’m just too observant.  Or nosey.  Or both.

Side note:  Anyone else see the white girl’s brother in the audience screaming like he thought this was the Monster Jam Truck Pull?  Personally, I like when they turn Ford Broncos into Transformers.  (Robots in Disguise!)

The YCDT Creative Dance was really good.  They wore these fabric comic books masks that kept sliding all over there faces.  Clearly they don’t watch Dance Moms (…or read my blog enough, ahem…) to know that anything above the neck needs to be sewn or staple gunned to your head at all times before you go on stage.

Traci also seems to have some ongoing issues with standing still.  Because she doesn’t.

Ever.

But it was when the Dolls and DDPs hit the floor that it really got started.

Seloncé got her nerves under control and proved that if the real Beyoncé ever breaks her leg, the fake one could probably go on stage with Jay-Z and nobody would know the difference until they had to kiss during the dirty part of Drunk In Love.

Mimi got down with her bad self and probably has an acceptance letter from the APAC Performing Arts School waiting for her at the post office.

And Tina?  Tina was a 9.5 magnitude on the Richter Scale and should probably apologize to the Japanese community for the resulting tsunami.

That bitch can dance.  The End.  Period.  Mic Drop.

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After the Tougaloo maintenance department replaced all the overhead lightbulbs that Tina knocked out, the Stand Battle began.

The YCDT girls did the same walk onto the gymnasium floor they did when they first arrived int he building.  I swear that’s how they look when they go to the grocery store.

They did the Captain Krunch and the Hush Puppy and some redoinkulous Death Drops which caused the Dolls to momentarily lose their poker faces.  But they recovered and remixed their own Dog Walk and wrecked the place.

When the battle finished, it was like Opposite World took over.

The Dolls won First Place for the Creative Dance.  The YCDT SupStarz won First Place for the Stand Battle.

I know, right?  They beat each other at their own game.

So really, everybody kinda won.  It looked like they all had fun.

The Dolls took home a trophy and the DDPs were off da chain.

I think my boy JJ summed it up best when he stated that the whole thing was one memory he’s not never gonna forget.  Not never.

That makes two of us.

DD(P)4L!

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