Bring It! Finale: Divas And Tigerettes And Dolls…Oh My! It’s A Battle Royale Guaranteed To Make Your Tail Spin.

May 3rd, 2014




And Lawd, please. Just one weekend without a DDBaby spilling their juice box. I’m a dancer not a dry cleaner.





Insert your own Tina Wig Joke Here:___. But make it totally awesome, because she’s awesome. My blog. My rules.






Hell No. She cuts my baby and I’ll dance myself. I’m wearing a leotard and two pairs of Spanx right now.





You know the hot Mom? Yeah. On the Crazy Scale she’s probably up here somewhere. But dang…she be fine.







Shut. Up. Tina’s been wearing wigs all this time?






Do your best, baby. And if you forget the moves, just blink and blind them with that nasty a** gold eyeshadow, ‘kay?






I don’t even care who wins this damn thing now. We just got 2.3 Million Total Viewers! Suck on that, bitches…!





That was close.

The day before the Bring It! Season Finale aired, Lifetime Television announced that 10 more episodes of this redoinkulously addictive show would be coming soon.

So it wasn’t really over for good.  Just over for a little while.

And that I can handle.

Otherwise, it wouldn’t have been pretty if I thought this was really the final…final…episode.  I’m already having some separation anxiety issues over leaving my crazy Pittsburgh Dance Moms behind for the Summer, so if I had to leave the DDPs on the side of the strip mall curb as well, I’m not sure what would have happened.

Especially since I’m nowhere near finished picking up on all the choreography.

That’s right.  You think the club can’t handle me now?  Just wait until I Tailspin some Robot Dog Walking on the parquet next time I hit up the Ramada for Happy Hour.

Yeah.  You should be scared.

This week was the Big One.  The Battle Royale.

Royal.  But with an ‘E’ at the end.  So you know they meant business.

Headed back to Memphis (…say it with me: “Again”…) for the Ultimate Hip Hop Cage Fight, Dianna Williams and her Team would be coming face to face with all their fiercest competitors from the past season, so they were already hard at work as soon as the credits stopped rolling.

The Dolls would be going up against the Ladies of Excellence, the Divas of Olive Branch, the Prancing Tigerettes and the Girls Who Always Seem To Leave The House With Lipstick On Their Teeth for the biggest prize in the biggest showdown the South had ever seen.


The judges for the event were all going to be professionals in the industry, so being seen at the competition could be a great stepping stone towards a career in dance or the performing arts.  Dianna was excited.  The girls were excited.  And the Moms were wound tighter than Rittany‘s new braids.

Rittany.  Love.  Her.  She didn’t have her braids screwed in the entire time, but when she did I could totally picture her at closing time running through Target in slow motion like Bo Derek on the beach.

Really.  Don’t even try to figure out the sidewalk situation.  Just enjoy it.

The hair and the outfits keep changing so often that I don’t even know what day or season it is anymore.  And after all these years of still trying to figure out how to open my Excel program, making a spreadsheet isn’t gonna happen.

One minute Human Spy Satellite Mimi is wearing her white DDP dental exam jacket and the next minute she’s bundled up like she’s going ice fishing at Disneyland.

Mimi.  Love.  Her.  The way she flails her arms around in that puffy jacket like a kid at recess, I hope she’s got mitten clips attached to that thing or she’s going to end up with a drawer full of left handed knitwear by Spring.  And can we all just agree right now that nobody can rock two big balls on their head like our girl, Mimi?  Nobody.

After a week of going kinda sorta au naturale, Tina and her blindingly neon wig were back with a vengeance and I couldn’t have been happier.

You know I love me a good hairpiece.  Especially when it’s the same color as sour gummy worms and can be quickly removed during a fight.

Removed…Snatched.  Potatoe…Potahhhtoe.

Tina.  Love.  Her.  If her weave is even half as bright as her kid’s future, then you know Kayla is destined for greatness.  Mama raised a good one there.

And then there was Seloncé.


Srsly.  That bitch is so crazy that I just want to marry her, move to CrazyTown and have 20 crazy babies.  Love.  Her.  Especially when (…Spoiler Alert!…) she loses her marbles and gets her freak on.  Stay tuned.

Back inside, Dianna was working on the Secret Weapon for this week’s competition:

The Baby Dolls!

Yaaaaas, hunty!  The Dancing Dolls…once again in Toddler sizes and back for even more Teletubby Twerking.

These little nuggets are da bomb.  So.  Cute.  Dot.  Com.

This time around the Baby Dolls would all be wearing fuzzy little petting zoo tails safety pinned to their Baby Booties as they crawled out from under the Big Girls in a new stand aptly entitled Tailspin.  Just watching them rehearse it one time almost put me into a diabetic coma they were so sweet.

After weeks of hard work, smiley Sunjai finally made Stand Cuts and pretty much broke through the plate glass window on her way outside to tell Mom Seloncé the news.

Can you say ‘Halleloo?’  Seloncé danced down the sidewalk with Sunjai and then dropped to her knees like it was Sunday Service and then got back up and danced some more.  Maybe it was just me, but she seemed fairly excited that her daughter had finally made it to the finish line.

It should also be noted that right here was when somebody decided to run a commercial for Wendy’s.  F’realz.  I literally watched the entire thing before I realized that it wasn’t Tina and her Pippi Longstocking wig who were flipping the burgers.  The irony of the situation was not lost on me, even though I did momentarily wonder why the Moms were all having a cookout on the sidewalk in the middle of Winter.

I don’t know who planned that one, but they need a raise right now.

With time running out before the competition, Mimi still had to scoot Camryn out for an audition at a local performing arts school.


Cammie wants to make this whole bidnezz her career, so they all headed over to APAC (…sumthin ‘Performing Arts‘ sumthin I imagine…) where she got her Kids From Fame on in front of the judges.

Mimi’s kid is a patootie, so I hope it all goes well.  They probably won’t let her wear that gigantic red gift wrap bow on her head while she’s there, but I’m sure she’ll adjust to the environment if she gets accepted into the program.  Fingers are crossed.

Finally, it was Showtime!  And old home week!

I’m not even going to mention the shower caps again, because clearly some readers didn’t pick up on the hilarity last time.  Obviously I know the difference between a shower cap and a sleeping cap.  And a baseball cap and a bottle cap.

And even a night cap, thank you.  Der.

Nothing else on my site makes any sense.  Why would comments about wearing shower caps on a tour bus be any different?  Girl, bye.

All your favorite coaches and teams walked up the plank and into the ship like it was some kind of hip hop Love Boat.

There was Quincy and the Tigerettes.  The girls were all hyper and our boy still had his Verizon hands-free plug stuck in his ear.  I’m starting to wonder if he can even get it out to change the batteries.  He either had the very beginnings of a faux hawk or some funky hat head going on up there.  And a pretty fly bow tie.

Neva and the Divas (…I just rhymed the name of the next great Girl Group without even realizing it…) also entered the building like rockstars.  A couple week ago, Neva was the one who had whipped her hair all around the room like the drunk one on Moms Night Out.  The Divas were the Team who had flashed their hoo has to everyone in the cheap seats at a previous competition.  I’m sure you remember all that VaJaJay goodness.

And bringing up the rear was Brittany and the Ladies of Excellence.  We never really saw too much of them this season.  Brittany was the coach who’s eyes were always red and watery every time she was on camera.  She either needs new swimming goggles or a better filter for her bedroom air conditioner.  Not having the car vents blow directly into your face would probably help, too.


Or maybe Brittany had just stared directly into the metallic gold eyeshadow that the Divas were wearing when they arrived.  What the What was that all about?

Clearly, Neva loves her SyFy Channel fashions.  More (…dilithium crystal…) power to her, I say.  But that shadow?  Really?  Step away from the gold leafing and nobody gets hurt.

Backstage, Dianna ran the Stand Battle one more time.  Better safe than sorry, right?

The short version:  Sunjai got cut minutes before the performance.

The long version:  Seloncé found out Sunjai got cut minutes before the performance, blew a nutty and stormed off in search of Dianna.  Her ex JJ was definitely Home Boy Stylin’ in his camouflage ensemble, but totally useless when it came to stopping his Baby Mama as she tore up the staircase like that scene in Rocky.

If Sylvester Stallone had been wearing skin tight white jeans and a dual-toned weave and waving his arms above his head like Oprah Winfrey did when Obama got elected, I mean.  Then it would have been exactly like that scene in Rocky.

Needless to say, ain’t nobody got time for dat.  Dianna shoved Seloncé right back out the door and into the hallway, where Mimi came to her rescue with an inhaler and some supportive Girl Talk.

Mimi had her hair all pinned and curled up like those women do at Walmart when they go early to beat the crowds.  But she also had the same earring that Janet Jackson wore one time on Good Morning America so she scored extra points and made up for not wearing her shower cap in public like she’s supposed to.

Finally, it was really Showtime.

The judges filed onto the stage.  The crowd went nuts and I realized that I either have never watched Hit The Floor or it’s not offered as part of my cable package.

Memo to self:  Google the judges.


First Round:  Divas vs. Ladies.  Say buy bye, Ladies.

Second Round:  Dolls and Baby Dolls vs. Tigerettes.

It wasn’t Quincy’s day.  Plus…Baby Dolls rule.  I think there were even a few extra points given just for the spaz that Mimi, Rittany, Tina and Seloncé were throwing out in the audience.  Seriously.  Where were these chicks when I was singing in chorus?  Damn.

Which meant that the Dancing Dolls and the Divas of Olive Branch were in the Finals!

And then it was on.

Clearly, the Divas had been practicing.  And they pretty much kept all the leg spreading to one routine done on those self-stacking hotel banquet chairs.  But it was a classy one that didn’t offend an easily offended judge, I guess.  At least that’s what she said.

The only part that offended me was that now every time I go to a wedding I’m going to wonder what kind of action my chair has seen.

But the Dolls were killing it, too.

One judge even said they were Swaggy, so take that Justin Bieber.

Throughout the entire round, Neva was either filming the showdown or taking selfies.  It was hard to tell at the angle she was holding her iPhone.  Hope the flash didn’t reflect off her Starfleet Commander epaulets.

When the Final Round Stand Battle was over, it took the judges For.  Ev.  Er . to announce the winner.


The Divas of Olive Branch.

Wait.  What?


Neva and the Divas went ca-razy and then left to cut their first demo record.

It was a devastating blow for the Dolls.  And for me.  I think I cried more than little Camryn did.  I just didn’t look as cute doing it, trust me.

Backstage, Dianna once again turned a loss into a teaching moment.

Probably her best one yet.

Sometimes you win even when you don’t.

The judges dropped by to give a pep talk and commended Miss D on the amazingly talented group of girls she had on her Team.

Duh.  We already knew that, people. What else you got?

Don’t get me wrong.  Winning is better than losing.  Waaaaay better.  But Dianna loves the girls like family.  To the Moon and back.  And she’s just going to keep driving them to be better and better.

Because that’s how Champions do, mmmkay?

Then it was off to the showers.  With real shower caps, thank you.  Game Over.

For now.

If I were you, I’d fix that nasty weave and get ready for next season.

Cuz it’s gonna be off the hook.

Don’t cry, baby.  They’ll be back soon.



Dance Moms Girl Talk: Lock Up The Moms And The Boys, Because It’s A Girls-Only Night In The Clubhouse.

April 30th, 2014




I must have missed the memo during my video shoot. When did Blondie get her own talk show?






Girl…I’m not one to gossip, but let’s just say somebody was giving away candy in the 6th grade.






No. Srsly. You’ve got about three seconds to finally ask me one question or Imma gon’ flip this chair.






Laquifa What…? Not another Girl Party. Somebody please stuff me or get me outta here right now.






This is my ‘You All Wish I Was Coming Back To This Crazy Show’ Face. Wanna see another one?






No…really. Over here. I’m not joking. I’m being serious. How many fingers am I holding up?






Somebody better bring me some ice cream before I start throwing down with Audrey Hepburn.




Uh oh.

Honey, I shrunk the Dance Moms.

All of ’em.  Or at least I think that’s what happened, because everyone looks a lot smaller than they did at the last Reunion Special.

Turns out it was a Mom-Free Zone in the ALDC Clubhouse this week as only the tiny dancers were allowed inside for some Girl Talk.  Party dresses. sparkly stuff and bubble gum scented lip gloss as far as the eye could see.  But No Moms.

And definitely No Boys.

Which, according to Maddie, was because they were all over at Brooke‘s house trying to score a little sumthin sumthin.  But more on that one later.  Getting ahead of myself.

You know I have a love/hate relationship with these fluffy filler shows.  I prefer more MomMeat on the bone, thank you.  But it’s been a long time since I’ve gone to an all-girls sleepover, so I thought it might be fun to tip back a few juice boxes, channel my inner tweeny bop and talk about how OMG dreamy that One Direction boy is.

And you know which one I’m talking about.

My man Jeff Collins got the show started in his patented, uncomfortably charming Andy Cohen-wannabe way.  But without a tie this time.  Because you don’t wear a tie to a Girl Party.  Duh.  That would be totes magotes lame.

Since this was a Girls-Only situation, Jeff wasn’t even allowed in the same camera shots as the dancers.  Rules are rules.  So he was off somewhere else introducing each segment in front of a backdrop that was nothing but pink shelves and a million bottles of booze.  I swear.  Go back and look.


Didn’t anyone else think that was odd?  Or hilarious?  Or both?  I know the Moms like their vino, but I’m pretty sure they don’t bring it to their kids’ birthday parties.

The way this thing was going to go down was that Jeff would ask random questions that had come in over the internet and then the girls would answer.

Side note:  The fact that Twitter almost crashed when everyone in America immediately started tweeting out questions for the girls made me question the future of our country.

They’re not sitting their live on Skype, honey.  It was like when there’s a Facebook contest and everyone starts posting things without reading the rules.  Stop it.  I mean it.

Maddie, Chloe and Sasha Nia were the first out in the IKEA hot seats, sitting in front of what I imagined the Mattel Barbie trade show booth must look like during the International Toy Fair.  Part of me wondered if maybe Jeff was just on the other side filming his parts.

Q.  Maddie/Chloe:  Are you two rivals?  Some flashbacks with THE tiniest little Maddies And Chloes evah.  I forgot how much they’ve grown up.  I think they are both still friends, even though there were a few moments of exceptionally uncomfortable Snark between them that was pretty impressive for their young ages.

Q.  Chloe:  Does it bug you that Maddie is the favorite?  Chloe stated that she needed to accept the fact that she was Numero Dos, which then led into a flashback of that infamous scene where she actually beat Maddie for about ten minutes before Abby went to the judges table and got the scores adjusted.  Watching Chloe hand over the First Place trophy like she was returning a baby to its birth mother still makes me sad.

When they cut back to the girls just staring at each other on the set, Nia was all like ‘Guurrrrrrlllll Glad that wasn’t me.’  Snap.  How can you not love Nia?

Q.  Maddie:  Have you ever been yelled at by Abby?  Some rambling about not having a solo for three whole weeks and then a flashback to Abby telling her not to cry.  For a simple yes or no question, it took her awhile to spit out the answer.


Cut back to Nia pointing out that three weeks ain’t the end of the world, sistah.  To which Maddie responded with a snooty ‘Now I know how Nia feels.’  Yikes.

Needless to say, Jeff immediately jumped to the next question before Nia went all Laquifa on Maddie’s Breakfast At Tiffany’s head.

If you read that one a couple more times you’ll realize it’s hilarious.

Q.  Maddie:  How’z about that time the music stopped during your dance?  This one was pretty self explanatory.  They showed a clip of that time Maddie’s CD got all wonky in the middle of her routine.  Since I wasn’t really paying attention I almost called Xfinity to find out why the sound on my television kept cutting in and out.  The Audio Guy trying to wipe the disc clean on his sleeve was pretty professional.

Q.  Maddie/Chloe:  Your favorite duet?  The ‘Black Swan.’  It was Chloe’s favorite because she got to be the Bad Girl.  And kill Maddie.  So there was that awkward moment right before the two girls high-fived each other and left Nia hanging.

Q.  Why the hell is Nia even on the set and when are you gonna ask her a question?  She’s a Diva, dammit.  Apparently no one had an answer for that one.

Next up was Payton, who kicked Maddie out of her seat and then chilled on the set with Chloe and Nia.  Jeff assured us that Maddie would return, just in case the entire country was going to change the channel because there were no Zieglers on the screen.

Q. Payton.  Seriously.  Why do you keep coming back?  I think I asked that one about two years ago and still haven’t gotten a straight answer.

Then there was a long discussion on Drag Queens and flashbacks to all the lady boys that Abby keeps parading through the studio.  Like a RuPaul montage.  And it was awesome.

Watching Nia lose her nutty when Shangela Laquifa Wadley did her first Death Drop in front of the girls is still probably the best 3 1/2 seconds of the entire series.  It should be required viewing if you’re ever in a bad mood.  I’m surprised those two gigantic yellow hair things she was wearing didn’t pop off like Nerf balls.


We got to relive Nia learning how to drop it like it’s hot with both Shangela and then later in the ‘Pumps’ dance.  Holly had her old school marm hair, but she was still a proud Mama in the audience that day.  If we’d only known back then that Dr. Beyoncé was just lurking in the shadows waiting to strike.

Soon.  Soon…

When we cut back to real time, the three girls were exceptionally hyper and totally left Payton hanging on a high-five.  There was a lot of that going on this week.

Q.  What girl hasn’t been hurt?  I think they meant ‘physically.’  Everyone’s had their share of dings and doinks, but Chloe seemed to be the one who stayed in one piece the longest according to the Blooper Reel of trips and falls and backward whatevers into face plants.  That’s gonna leave a mark.

Jill Vertes Fashion Watch:  Remember those few months when Mama V hadn’t quite gotten a handle on her new hair?  Because that totally happened again in a couple of flashbacks.  Blonde Jill was back.  With a vengeance.  But no Bump-It.

Luckily my MomCrush is on point nowadays.  Whacky as ever and Jacking it to Jesus again.  (FYI…No disrespect.  That’s Pageant Mom talk for big hair.)  Love.  Her.

Don’t forget.  When my Christmas club saving account matures, we’re all hitting the Mall, Girlfriend.  Can’t wait to see Holly’s hair du jour when Sears gets ahold of her.

Q.  Payton:  What’s the dealio on that broken ankle?  I don’t think we’ll ever know what really happened that time a chair mysteriously jumped out in front of Payton, busting up her foot right before a competition.  It’s the stuff of urban legends.  But we got to see my new friend Leslie lose her s*** again, so it was totally worth a flashback.

Q.  Srsly?  The show is half over and not one Nia question yet?  Laquifa WTF?

And then Chloe either got really big really fast, or Mackenzie and Asia are a lot smaller than I realized, because the two of them looked almost bite-sized when they came out on the set.  Dat’s rite.  Asia Monet Ray was back in the hizzle.  And wired for sound as she gave AsiaFace and AsiaEyebrow and AsiaPouty Lips all over the room.

Baby she was born this way.


Q.  Mackenzie/Asia:  Are you friends?  What’s your favorite dance, Asia?  We got to see their sassy duet and then watch Miss Monet Ray go all Mr. Roboto.  Werk.

Not gonna lie.  Knowing that my girl Kristy Ray must have been somewhere in the building got me a little worked up.  Let’s Go!  Hit Me!

Q.  Mackenzie:  What’s your favorite part about Dance Moms?  The singing.

Wait.  What?

Correct me if I’m wrong, but isn’t this a show about dancing?

Whatev.  Roll MackZ‘s new gangstah Girl Party music video.

I’m almost positive that none of these girls can drive yet, so they clearly used fake IDs to get into that VIP Ballon Lounge.  Trust me, if you’re already dealing with high blood sugar levels, I’m not sure if this video is really for you.  But it’s a definitely a Girl Party, fo’ sho.

Na Na Na Na Na Na.

Back to the set and a triple high-five.  And they all made contact.

Then we smoothly transitioned from all that madness back to Chloe, Maddie and Nia for the Hyland Memorial Service.

Q.  Your favorite Brooke Moment?  Favorite Paige Moment?  Hold up.  I know they left the show.  I remember that part.   But unless someone is illegally posting stuff on their Instagram accounts I’m pretty sure that both Brooke and Paige are still alive.

I’m glad they included the Hyland girls in the retrospective, because they were a big part of making this show what is today.  They actually gave them a pretty big chunk of time.  We got to see a whole bunch of Hyland clips, including Brooke touching her head to her butt and then using those same skills to break the hearts of every boy in Pittsburgh.

When Chloe mentioned that Brooke stole her first kiss back in the 8th grade, Maddie was quick to point out (…in the same way a gossipy old woman sitting on the front stoop in the middle of July would do…) that Brooke was actually locking lips in the 6th grade.

Ooooh, girl.  Ya nasty.  Hand me my fan.  Lawd, it’s hot out here.


We flashbacked to that dorky kid Brandon trying to put some killer moves on Brooke at the State Fair and then to that other dorky kid Kevin shoving pie in her face during a romantic night on the town.

Boyz.  Go figure.  And then go die single, please.

The girls finished up their Ode to the Hylands by remembering The Last Text’ dance.

Maybe I just watch too many soap operas, but I hope somebody eventually told Chloe that the car accident wasn’t real and that Paige was still alive, because the way she sobbed about never being able to have her dream double wedding now made me think Chloe’s been putting flowers on the wrong grave for the last few months.

If Kelly was watching this at home I bet she even got up to check their bedrooms.

Better safe than sorry.

And then Kendall finally came out.  But just long enough to get subtly grilled by Maddie (…“I thought Nia would get the cover of the magazine”…) and show us all how her Mom puts on lipstick while driving when she should have both hands on the steering wheel.  They didn’t give Kendall much time to shine this week.

Q.  Kendall:  Your favorite dance?  The duet with Maddie.

Q.  Chloe:  How do you like hosting your own talk show?  And what was your favorite dance?  I forget what the answers were, because they showed Vivi-Anne eating in the audience during a flashback and my head exploded.

Which made for the best transition ever.

When the angels sang.  And the heavens opened up.

And Vivi-Anne arrived.  

It’s true.  Maddie, Chloe and fan favorite Vivi-Anne closed the show.  Shut.  It.  Down.

Q.  How does Cathy’s kid not have her own show yet?

I love me some Vivi-Anne.  But I couldn’t remember if I’d ever actually heard her speak before, so I was on the edge of my seat waiting to see what was going to happen when she didn’t have a mouthful of tasty dessert.


First she did tricks.  Like raising one eyebrow.  And then made some faces, I think.

Chloe lobbed a few softball questions at her, like you might do to someone who had just come out of an extended coma.

Q.  What is your name?  Do you know where you are?  What year is it?  (I’m kinda lying, but not really.  This segment had to be seen to be believed.)

I could literally watch Vivi-Anne eat ice cream all afternoon.  I’ll bet you anything that under that stuffy nose and slo-mo head turn is the sharpest tack in the box.  When she takes over, don’t say I didn’t warn you.

Q.  What was the highlight of being on this show for you?

Vivi-Anne:  Something was mumbled about her Mom and craft services.

Maddie:  Winning.  Duh.  Like Charlie Sheen, I guess.

Chloe:  Being in the LUX Music Video. 

I remember that!  Cue the video.

As LUX and Mini-LUX danced dangerously close to a wall of gigantic industrial fans, the show came to a close.  Girl Talk was over.

Q.  Really?  Without out one stinking question for Nia? 

It’s been quite a ride so far.  Three and a half seasons in and the Dance Moms Train shows no sign of slowing down.

The old Team is hanging on.  The new Team is nipping at their heels.

While some things change, others stay the same.

For now, everyone’s taking a quick breather to rinse out some leotards and put away the party dresses.  Maybe even do some homework or clean their rooms for once.

But Dance Moms will be back before you know it.  Don’t you worry.

Raise your hands if you already can’t wait.

gpTo be continued…

Bring It!: Locked In And Turnt Up. It’s The Dolls Vs. The Dollz In A Memphis Bucking Burlesque Showdown.

April 26th, 2014





All the crazy ladies. Put your hands up.






She’s totally two gurlz short of a Destiny’s Child Reunion, but dang that bitch is fine.






Somedays I just wanna lock ALL the crazy ones in the building and go buy stuff at the mall.






This is the most ratchet Disneyland vacation evah. They’re even gettin’ cheap with the hats.






I dunno whether Miss D said to put some stank on it or some steak on it. But I like ’em both.






Dat’s rite. Whip that around. Mama like.







Memphis just lucky I didn’t wanna mess up my new hair or it woulda been Black Friday at Walmart.





If you don’t love Bring It! I’m not sure we can be friends anymore.

I mean, c’mon.

Sure, it’s crazy.  Everything about it is.  But it’s the good kind.

From the Moms (…and Dads!…) to their whacky hair and whacky fashion choices to the even whackier way they talk and scream and giggle all over the sidewalks of Jackson.

Cray.  Zee. To the umpteenth power of Cray.

But deep down there is still a strong message about working hard and loving your family and supporting your kids in whatever dream they dare to dream.  There’s even a ton of hip hop dancing that is waaay harder than anything I’ve ever busted out at the clubs.

(Not that I couldn’t, of course.  I just hate showing off…)

Heck, I’m even learning how to paint toxic glitter swirlies directly onto my own eyeballs without going legally blind.  It’s not as easy as it looks.

So, yeah.  Bring It!  We like it.

This week, the Dancing Dolls were headed back to Memphis, Tennessee.  Again.

Since I pride myself on only blogging about subjects that I know absolutely nothing about, I have no idea why they keep going back to Memphis.  They just do.

And now they’re going again.

After having lost out to the Purple Diamonds at the most recent competition, it was important to Coach Dianna Williams that everyone hit the ground running.

That meant bigger Stands, more elaborate choreography and working through the trauma of having just witnessed your rivals spank their own jiggly purple bodonkadonks in a show of both poor sportsmanship and clear love for fast food.


‘Member dat?  Dat s*** nasty.  The Purple Diamonds turned and spanked themselves all up in the Dolls’ faces as they snatched the trophy.  I’m having trouble getting that visual out of my brain when I go to bed every night and I only saw their junk on a TV screen.

I call it PDPTSD.  When you figure it out, it’s inappropriately hilarious.

This week the Dolls would be competing at the Bucking Burlesque (…with a ‘B‘…) Competition and be facing off against the Dancing Cloverleafs, the Prancing Tigerettes, the Rockettes (…probably not the New York ones…) the Sparkling Jewels, the Dynamic Diamond Dollz (…with a ‘Z‘ like Liza…) and the Girls Who Would OMG Literally Die If They Ever Met One Direction.

The Dolls would be performing in the Stand Battle and Burlesque categories, which would put them head to head against their other closest rivals the Diamond Dollz.

Miss D was concerned about over-sexualizing the Burlesque routine.  The Dolls are all still just school age girls, remember, so we’d like to keep it that way a little longer.

Honestly, after six seasons of Toddlers & Tiaras nothing really phases me anymore, but I totally get where she was going with it.  Once you’ve seen a 3 year old booty pop to a Shirley Temple song it takes a lot to make me look up from my snack tray.

As the Dolls got to rehearsing inside, the Mamas were all outside doing what they do best.

Seloncé got the party started by declaring that the Team needed to win this weekend because they didn’t need any more ‘looses’…as opposed to ‘losses’…which has more ‘Ss’ and less ‘Os’ in the word.

Oh, Selena.  You just stay cute.

Right about now was when the Mamas lost their marbles.

It’s Rittany Bitch, who was balancing about 3 feet of new braids on top of her head, almost untied them all she was laughing so hard.  My girl Tina actually did knock her wig off, because she was standing their in kinda sorta her own hair for the first time ever.

Except that a few weeks ago, if you’ll recall, when she snatched her own weave during some drama with Seloncé she only had fuzzy Kool-Aid hair up under there.  And now it was long.  Still as neon red as that Play-Doh you’re not supposed to put in your mouth.


But really long now.

So I’m thinking…you know.

And then there was Mimi.  Everyone’s favorite Neighborhood Watch-er was bouncing around like a tennis ball in a dryer, which made these two gigantic pom poms on her knit hat wobble back and forth like she was Mickey Mouse having some kind of a stroke.

I’m not really sure if the hat was supposed to look like a bootleg Disney gift shop item, or if it was the Real Deal, or if Mimi even knew there were two pom poms boinking around on her head.

But it didn’t matter.  Love her.  Love them all.  Don’t make me choose.  That would be like picking one of my kids.

Back inside, the Dolls (…with an ‘S‘…) were still working on the Burlesque choreography.  It was new.  And different.  And required about 72 girls all on the floor at the same time, so needless to say a few of them were having some fender benders in all that traffic.

When they finally made the switch to rehearsing the new Stand specifically created for the Dollz (…with a ‘Z‘…) it was getting late and it just wasn’t happening.


Wait.  What?  It’s like a sleepover.  If they have sleepovers in Hell, that is.

Dianna announced that the Team was being locked inside the Dollhouse for the night and would rehearse until paramedics discovered their bodies in the morning if that’s how long it took to nail down these routines.

Bitch was getting Krunk.

The Mamas took the Lock-In news fairly well, except for Mimi.  Aw.  Hell.  Naw.  Her Mickey ears were flapping so hard that the International Space Station probably picked it up as code for some kind of international disturbance.

Gurrrrrl, pleez.  Chillax.


The Moms were sent home to retrieve sleeping bags and shower caps, so naturally Seloncé returned with enough shizz to get Sunjai through her Freshman year at college.  The 45 pound Poland Springs water jug was a nice touch and would certainly have come in handy during the Lock-In if Sunjai had remembered to pack a 100 pound office water cooler base unit and industrial extension cord in her dance bag that morning.

Really, Seloncé?  Lawd.  Or Lort.  You choose.

Not to be outdone, Rittany showed up with one of those ribbed inflatable air mattress/pool floaty things that always remind me of giant Oscar Mayer wiener packages.

After every Mama emptied out their daughter’s bedroom and shoved it through the door of the Dollhouse, the girls went back to practicing until they couldn’t practice anymore.  Then it was time to hit the wieners and call it a night.

The next morning we got to see what happens to your hair when you sleep in a sleeping bag on the floor of a dance studio all night.

But it’s all good. Trust me, I’m not taking selfies when I wake up on the floor either.

At least that one girl brushed her teeth, right?

(Relax.  That’s a joke.  They all did.  It’s only a one hour show.  You do the math.)

 With only one day before competition, the Stand cuts took place and poor Sunjai got cut.


But she was Coolio wid it and even stayed with the Team to continue learning the moves on her own.  Dianna was really impressed that Sunjai stuck around, even though there was clearly no way for her to get out anyway since the doors were still locked.

Outside, the Mamas returned to check up on progress after the Lock-In.

Their girls were looking good.  And so was Seloncé, who took full advantage of the Dance Factory‘s free overnight babysitting service and spent the entire Sunjai-free day whipping herself into a Day Spa frenzy.

Facial:  Check!  Mani:  Check!  Pedi:  Check!  You Just Stay Cute:  Check!

Finally, it was Showtime.


Two shows, actually, if you count Selonceé in her full-on Salute to Burlesque ensemble.  Mama was representing her baby girl by working a pair of long black All That Jazz gloves, a flower in hair and a bustier that kept popping open.

John Connor, Coach for the Dynamic Diamond Dollz, arrived in his white polo and khakis, looking exactly like one of the sales guys who works at whatever store it is where they all wear white polos and khakis.  I forget.

I know it’s not Target, because they have red polos.  And Best Buy has blue polos.  And a place up in Maine has yellow ones with a lobster wearing a raincoat on it.

Whatever.  He looked like he works at the White Polo Store.

Jamar, the Host of this shindig, was another Boyz II Men look-a-like who held out the last syllable of every team like the guy used to do on Toddlers & Tiaras.

In our Burlesque Outfit of Choice:  The Dancing Doooollllllllllls and MaKenzzzziiiiiiieeeee.

(That’s two T&T flashbacks, if you’re keeping track.)

The Dollz (…with a ‘Z‘…) hit the floor first for Burlesque.  There were only five of them dancing around and one was holding a Ben and Jerry‘s ice cream cone that later turned out to just be a toy microphone.  I guess she was channeling Christina Aguilera or something.  It was screwy.

By the time all 72 Dolls (…with an ‘S‘…) stormed the spotlight, nobody even remembered the other routine.  They killed it.  There was even a part where they were all on the floor in a circle and then one by one they all rolled and whipped their hair like synchronized swimmers would do if their pool caps popped off during a Vegas casino show.

It was Miss D’s favorite part and it kind of made her get all jiggly like you do when the steakhouse waitress brings over your meal and tells you that they upgraded it to a better cut of beef for free because they dropped your first order on the kitchen floor.

The Stand Battle is where it got Buck(ing) Wild.

The Dynamic Diamond Dollz came out with a handful of those generic Barbies they sell at the Dollar Store and proceeded to pop off all the heads like they were killing real the real Dolls.  One by one by one by one.


Except that, according to their track jackets, they’re also real Dollz themselves.  Just with a different last letter on the embroidery.  So it didn’t really make much sense if you thought about it for too long.

The second Dynamic Diamond Dollz Stand was equally as much of a head scratcher.  Or more of an eye scratcher and hair puller, if you really want to get technical.

They do like their props.  And this time it was some kind of a staged girl fight where they all ended up dancing with straggly pieces of weaves and clumps of white fabric that looked like diapers all over the floor.  Not sure what that was all about.

But whatever it was, it must have inspired some dude in the audience, because all of the sudden a real fight broke out.

I swear.  I never left the room.  I never changed channels.  I was looking directly at my television.  But I still have no idea what happened.

Or how it happened.  Or who started it.  Or what it was about.

Or why that one Dollz (…with a ‘Z‘…) chick in the blue pants just stood there with her back to all the dramzzz (…with 3 ‘Zs‘…) the entire time.

F’realz.  She never moved.  Go check your DVR.  Even when Tina and Dianna and Mimi all pressed themselves together like a sandwich and got their freak on, this little chick was just standing their like she was waiting for the 39 bus.

Needless to say, Jamar called off the event and sent everyone home.

It was bad for the Dolls.  But probably worse for the Tennessee Department of Tourism, because I swear every time someone goes to Memphis they get rolled in a parking lot.

I’ll pass, thank you.

Kayla rose to the occasion and corralled all the Dolls into a back room to catch their breath.  Kayla to the rescue.

As always, Dianna turned yet another mess in Memphis into a Teaching Moment about facing adversity and accepting challenges.  Her girls are better than this.  Way better.

Locked-In or Turnt Up.

They’re the Dancing Dolls.



%d bloggers like this: