Dance Moms: The Real Housewives Of Pittsburgh Dress It Up And Throw It Down. Seeing Red Is The New Black.

April 23rd, 2014

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Wah Wah Wah. I’ve got three shows and you all have none.

 

 

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All children should be supported. And you’d know that if you’d ever buy my damn book, woman.

 

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I specifically texted that I was wearing my one shoulder dress. I swear I’m gonna kill her.

 

 

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Not gonna lie. This season, the Mama Drama has been almost as big as my pocket square.

 

 

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That’s right, honey. I’m giving you some Bump-It Push Up Bra Over It Dance Mom Side Eye.

 

 

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C-Dawg…check it out. She’s gotta be wearing Spanx, cuz I swear that’s her kid’s Easter dress.

 

 

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I’m just gonna lay here until everyone stops yelling.

 

 

 

 

I blame Andy Cohen.

Or maybe that After The Final Rose guy.

Both of them, actually.

They’re the ones who decided that every television program in America (…with the exception of The Puppy Bowl and that one where they’re always looking for Big Foot…) is now required to have a Reunion Show.  That way we get to spend more quality time with our favorite cast members, while they get to have the exact same argument they’ve had all season but in fancier clothes.

This week it was the Dance Moms chance to bling it and bring it.

Not gonna lie.  I have a love/hate relationship with these ALDC Reunion Shows.  I love seeing my ladies, especially since we’re all BFFs now.  (Hey, gurlz!)  But there are still so many unanswered questions after all these years that are driving me crazy.

Like where in the world is thing thing being taped?  I can’t decide if they broke into Kelly‘s basement while she and the kids were at the recording studio or if it’s an Elks Lodge or an actual local TV news studio or what.

And where do they find these audience members?  Did I miss a Facebook contest or something?  Because I totally would have entered since not one person has invited me to a single taping in four years.

The crowd was especially quirky this time around.  I swear it was all the same people from the ShamWow infomercial.  Am I right?

There wasn’t one kid in the audience.  Just the most random cross section of adults oohing and ahhing every time Jeff Collins wiped up spills without scratching any delicate surfaces.  Order before midnight tonight and he’ll probably double the quantity.

But wait.  There’s more!

Let’s be honest.  Half the fun of Reunion Shows is the anticipation of what’s gonnna go down when they actually air.  Last week all we saw in online previews was Porsha Stewart dragging Kenya Moore across the floor by her Real Housewives of Atlanta weave and Nia‘s Mom Holly pointing all over the room like some crazed gospel traffic cop telling you to sit yourself down and be quiet.

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So you knew it was going to be a good couple of days in Reunion Land.

I couldn’t wait to get the party started.

My boy Jeff began the show as he always does, nervously introducing his one-on-one with Abby Lee Miller.  JC’s my bro, but he still doesn’t seem to have warmed up to this whole Host Thang yet.  I think Abby makes him nervous.  Luckily, he had the world’s largest pocket square easily accessible in case he needed to blot up any flop sweat.

Did you see that thing?  I swear it kept growing throughout the hour.  I was waiting for one of the Moms to pull it out like one of those 12 foot long rainbow clown scarves until his boxer shorts actually popped out of his suit coat lapel.

Jeff started the conversation on a somber note by noting the passing of Abby’s Mom Maryen Lorrain Miller.  Since it’s still very raw…and clearly too soon…I will not be commenting on how Maryen was buried with her husband’s ashes and a taxidermied dog.

One.  Because at this time it would be completely insensitive.  And Two.  Because I’m not sure that ‘taxidermied’ is actually a real word.  It’s just one of those strange ones that doesn’t look right when you see it typed out on a page.

When the time is right, though, I have a couple of good zingers.  Trust me.

Moving on from the burial, Jeff steered the conversation to the Slap Heard Round The World and called for Christi to join them on the couch.

I swear this show is just as much fun with the volume turned off.

As Christi appeared from the back of who knows where in the best Mother/Daughter Pageant dress evah, did you catch Abby’s full-on up and down eyeball scan of her outfit?

I had a moment.

Flashback #1:  The Slap.  Kelly in her Charlie Brown sweater biffing Abby in the makeup room in front of all the kids.

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Girls!  Out of the Room!  Girls!  Out of the Room!  Girls!  Out of the Room!

One.  Sometimes I love Dr. Holly so much it’s borderline inappropriate.  Two.  I’ve said it before…I didn’t think it was possible, but that scene is even better if you turn the volume down again and pretend Holly’s singing Beyoncé‘s Who Runs the World?  Girls!

I bet she cleared out her entire old school in under 6.5 minutes on Fire Drill Day.

Holly, I mean.  Not  Queen Bey.

Flashback #2:  Christi and Abby in the hallway getting up in each other’s face.  Same as they were doing right now at the Reunion, just not in their gowns.

Going forward, I’ve decided to take a page from Jeff’s book and whenever the situation around me gets too tense just awkwardly change the subject.

Christi about to take off her shoes and settle this thing once and for all?  Let’s just put a pin in that discussion, shall we?

And nothing relieves stress like Drag Queens.  The Kinky Boots dance was spliced in right here before things got too ugly.

Payton wasn’t wearing all her RuPaul makeup this time, but Maddie still had that odd George Washington wig sitting sideways on her head.  Nia showed everyone how you’re supposed to do a Death Drop and then sashayed away like a Boss.

They also snuck in a Chloe solo before Abby accused Christi of dropping the F Bomb 11 times in one sentence.  Coming close to making it an even dozen, Christi pointed out that Kristie Ray used to say it all the time.  And new Mom Kira says it all the time.  And then I said it a couple times because nobody talks smack about my girl Kristie.  Aw Hell Naw.

All I could picture was Asia Monet Ray‘s Mom sitting at home watching the show, flapping her earrings and swearing at the screen when Christi called her out.  Except you wouldn’t actually be able to hear Kristie swearing because her gigantic husband would be in the kitchen using the blender to make a protein shake.  I miss my girls.

Jeff then asked for Melissa to join them on the set so they could finally get to the bottom of who knew what and when about the whole Maddie and Kalani duet scandal.

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If you don’t know what that’s all about…Google it.  I think it’s been going on for about two years, so it would take too long to recap.  Just know that somebody may or may not have lied about knowing a duet was about to maybe or maybe not take place.  A duet that would rock the core of the Dance Moms World.

Lying is bad.  Always tell the truth, kids.  The More You Know.

Right about now was when Christi felt she was being set up, which led to a few hectic Moments of Chaos.

Not to be confused with Moments of Clarity, which you can still buy here.

I’m Done!  I’m Done!  Christi stormed off the set because Holly and my MomCrush Jill weren’t out there to back her up against Melissa and Abby.  Some poor production guy got caught on camera taking off his headset like that was gonna solve anything.  I think his ears were bleeding from audio feedback.

Holly came out in a seriously sparkly cocktail dress (…Dang, Gurrrl…) then panicked and turned to run out the back door, but Jill was blocking the exit.

Everyone was bumping into each other and trying to figure out which end was up like they used to do on I Love Lucy.  Holly and Jill eventually made it all the way to the couch and everyone got back to bidnezz.

Jill Vertes Fashion Watch:  Werk that one shoulder mini, Mama V.  Somebody’s been doing their Prancercize.  Official DanThat’sCool Stamp of Approval.

And then my prayers were answered.  The Dr. Beyoncé Show officially premiered.

Holly wasn’t having it.  Hold up.  She even called out the entire infomercial audience for applauding when Abby stated that she made all the decisions at the ALDC, and if she wanted to cut Nia from something she was gonna cut Nia from something.

The solo.  Or the group number.  Or both if they were short on costumes.

Boom.  What if that was your child?  Fingers everywhere.  Talk to the Hand.

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The whole thing kept escalating as they flashbacked to all the Moms in that basement hallway not trusting Melissa.  Jill just wanted Melissa to own it if she lied about the duet and for everyone else to notice she had lubed up her one exposed shoulder with that new Bath & Body lotion that shimmers when you Gangnam Style.

Somewhere in the middle of all this madness Maddie and Kalani’s duet was performed so new viewers would at least have a tiny clue what was even happening right now.  I forget exactly where it got inserted.

And then Jeff got nervous and changed the subject again.  Speaking of Switcheroos (…a grown man actually used that terminology…) have there been other costume issues?

One.  Switcheroos?  Really?  Two.  Was it just me, or did that question kind of imply that he doesn’t actually watch his own show?

And then it got good.  With that one question, Holly took over.  I’ll take it from here, Jeff.

Why is Nia either/or?  What other kid is either/or?  More fingers.  More talking to the Hand.

It was everything you’ve always loved about Holly.  Just dialed up a few 100 notches.

The entire Twitterverse started dinging and was all like PREACH! and TESTIFY! and Laquifa What? and I literally fell out of my pew onto the floor.  Honestly, I don’t know how my big hat even stayed on through the whole service.

I love how Holly can finally reach the boiling point with all this madness but still maintain her dignity.  Girlfriend laid it out like hot asphalt.  Stick a fork in it.  Hashtag: Done.

Jeff blotted a little and then introduced Mackenzie‘s solo.  Which was really Maddie’s old solo.  It was ok, but what we really needed was A Girl Party!

Or Leslie, I guess.  Because it’s definitely a party whenever she shows up to play.

As Payton’s Mom joined the ladies, I realized that there’s something about her that I’m starting to like.  I don’t know if it’s the No Filter part or what, but something about Leslie just cracks me up.  I have to admit that my previously guarded opinion of Mama Ackerman is going up faster than the smiley face prices are falling at Walmart.

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Flashback #I Lost Count: Leslie blowing a major backstage nutty when Payton didn’t have a costume.  More FBombs and then some classic Miller vs. Ackerman.

Then a Maddie solo.  The tap dance one, which Jeff just realized was her favorite.  Again…does he watch this show?

As the hour ran down, there was just enough time to bring out Chaos Cathy Nesbitt-Stein and all her Evil Dance Lair Candy Apples Drama.

Not really sure what’s been happening with her dresses or her dance team this season.

Flashback #28867: Cathy pulling her group number ten seconds before they were supposed to hit the stage.  You’re a coward.  HollyFaces.  Screaming.  More HollyFaces.

And then Jeff pulled up his Bitchy Britches and said “That’s a good lead in to the next week.  When you still didn’t win.”

Oh, snap.  Girl, you did not just go there.

Before Cathy could rip off his face like a rabid monkey, Jeff introduced the infamous Witches of East Canton dance where the girls all wore spider web hats and subliminally flipped off Cathy on an eight count.

Big whoop.  Cathy felt that all it really proved was that Abby is more worried about the Candy Apples than they are of the ALDC.  Abby shrugged it off.  Holly was still angrily fidgeting in her seat.  I tried to remember if Melissa had even spoken during the show.

I think she stuck up for Maddie once and then just sat there.  I’m not sure.

With about 90 seconds left in the show, Jeff suddenly realized that he had forgotten to bring out Kalani’s Mom.

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I hope Kira kept the tags on that new dress, because unless she got makeup on it or Christi threw another drink, she could totally return it as unused.

Kira looked pretty fly and didn’t have any complaints.  She really has enjoyed her time on the show thus far, which kind of made Jeff sad.  Next time…more drama, please.

They all chit chatted about the New & Improved Elite Competition Team and how that was all going to play out in the end.  Some of the Old Moms were still snarking on Kalani a little, but Abby quickly pointed out that all the other girls got better as soon as the AUDC Alum showed up at the studio.

Dr. Beyoncé had one last parting nugget about the loss of two members from the original Team has left the remaining girls feeling vulnerable and that she…

Good Night.

Wait.  What?

Just like that.  Right in the middle of the sentence, Jeff shut it down.

Party’s over.

Just for awhile, though.  There’s still another half season of Dance Moms to come, whenever that happens.

And Abby’s Studio Rescue show.

And Abby’s Ultimate Dance Competition is still around.

So there’s plenty more Abby where that came from, don’t you worry.

Right now we’re just taking a quick breather.

No more FBombs for a few weeks.

We’ll see you when the gang’s all back together.

Kristie.  F***ing wave good night to everyone so we can go home, will ya?

Buh bye.

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Bring It!: Shut Up And Dance. And Then Walk The Dawg And Blow Them Diamonds Away. Poof…Where’d It Go?

April 19th, 2014

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You do know when you’re talking s*** about me on your pretend phone I can hear you, right?

 

 

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Fire in the Hole! Mama on the Inside!

 

 

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That’s my Baby!! That’s my Baby!! That’s my Baby!! That’s my Baby!! That’s my Baby!!

 

 

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Imma srsly ’bout to super-size her meal AND her beat down all inna same order. That bitch is crazy.

 

 

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Where’d it go? Where’d it go? Where’d it go? Where’d it go? Where’d it go?

 

 

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Lawd. I don’t even ask anymore. All I know is that I have a really cute baby and about 200 red shirts.

 

 

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And the award for teaching girls how to spank themselves on a basic cable network goes to…

 

 

 

Shut up?

No.  You shut up.

And then dance.  Just shut up…and dance.

If you’re pressed for time, that was basically the gist of this week’s Bring It!

Shutting up and dancing.

No drama.  No disrespect.  Just good, healthy, booty poppin’ hip hoppin’ majorette competition.  Unfortunately, not everyone got the memo.

This week started out calmly enough, though, with some quality Family Time down at Casa Williams, where Dianna was doing her best to try and get everyone out of the house before noon.

Family Time is important to Miss D. because running a business, hitting the competition circuit every weekend and barricading the front door of her studio against a continuous stampede of crazy Mamas doesn’t leave her much time for husband Robert and that little nugget Cobe.

Seriously.  Her son.  If there was ever a reason for Sony to hurry up and invent futuristic Touch-O-Vision HD plasmas, it’s that kid’s head, right?

You just want to rub it and make a wish he’s such a niblet.  He reminds me of one of the little squirts from Toddlers & Tiaras who used to run in circles with a balloon stuck to his head before every pageant.

But Cobe’s noggin isn’t just for statically electro-charged balloon tricks.  It’s also for heartbreaking, because you can already tell that this kid is gonna be one smooth playa after a few more bottles of Flintstone chewables.  I’m Big!  I’m Big!

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I know you are, dude.  But right now, you’re still Mommy’s little baby boy and she’s in no hurry to have you grow up.  On the Cute Meter, Cobe is off the charts.

After finally scooting both her boys out the door, Dianna headed for the Dollhouse to lay out the deets for this week’s Shut Up And Dance Competition.

This time around, the Dancing Dolls would be staying local and going up against Jackson’s other most popular team the Purple Diamonds, which meant that the winner would not only score a sweet trophy and save some cash on bus fair again, but also nab hometown bragging rights and probably a free pizza somewhere if they show up in their track jackets.

Or at least that’s how it worked in my high school for a kid who won a regional spelling bee one year.  He got a free pizza.

He also got a wedgie on his way home and had to hand over the pizza to some bully from the football team who ate the whole thing with his buddies behind the CVS and then got suspended the next day.  So maybe towns don’t do that anymore.  I’ll have to ask my parents.

Anyway.  There was a point to that story but I lost it somewhere.

The last time the Dolls faced off with the PDs it had gotten ugly.  Too much of the aforementioned drama and disrespect, which caused both teams to lose their focus.

Turns out that the PDs have quite a reputation for talking smack and instigating rumbles, so Dianna hoped that this time would finally be different.

I hope that I’ll wake up tomorrow and be 6′ 2″.  Let’s see how we both do with our wishes in the morning, mmmkay?

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After successfully running in a straight line carrying a pink flag on a stick last week, Sunjai was up for an even bigger role in the Stand Battle at the upcoming SU&D competition.  Seloncé‘s baby girl had really been working hard at improving lately, so it kinda gave me a warm fuzzy to see her perseverance finally start to pay off.  I love when she gets excited and you can see her braces.

As the girls got into Beast Mode inside, the Mamas were outside just trying to stay warm.

Cuz it wuz cold out der, gurl.

I swear.  Even when they’re risking hypothermia I love this crazy ladies.

Jackson’s own stealth spy drone Mimi was all bundled up in her Where’s Waldo hat and big flappy floppy red jacket again.  She reminded me of that kid we all knew when we were little who lost his jacket so many times that his parents finally flat out refused to buy him another one just to prove a point and the next day he showed up at the bus stop with one mitten and the sleeves of his older brother’s snorkel jacket dragging on the ground.

You know exactly who I’m talking about.  Every neighborhood had one.

It’s Rittany Bitch was back again (…where does she keep disappearing to every other 30 minutes?…) and looked exactly like one of those military S.W.A.T. team guys who always crash through bank skylights and rescue hostages.  I’ll take a black belt in karate over proper grammar anytime, Girlfriend.  She be a hoot.

For the seventh week in a row, the award for Wearing A Wig That Is Actually Made Of Twizzlers And Can Be Eaten As A Survival Snack If Your Car Breaks Down During A Snowstorm went to my girl Tina.

Spoiler Alert:  She’ll probably win next week, too.

She and Rittany made a pretty good matched set this week with their night vision goggle sniper ensembles.  Except that real night vision goggle snipers probably don’t wear protective chinchilla headgear when they take down terrorists.  Or anything bright red, come to think of it.  So never mind.

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The only one not really bundled up for the cold weather was Seloncé, because looks always trump comfort.  Duh.

I don’t remember if the other Beyoncé ever did a music video wearing one of those knit beanie berets that the Jackson Beyoncé was wearing, but I couldn’t tell them apart for a few minutes.  Dang, girl.  Maybe you were right all along.

I also don’t remember if the other Beyoncé knows how to fight, but the Jackson one certainly doesn’t.  Even when Mimi tried to show her how to throw down in case the Purple Diamonds try an’ start sumthin this weekend.

Flapping her older brother’s snorkel jacket sleeves around like she just got bad DNA test results on The Maury Show, Mimi almost windmilled herself right back to Holland.

Right when you think you know which one of these ladies is the craziest…you don’t.

Back inside, the girls were Walking The Dog and getting all bad a** in preparation for the weekend.  Walking The Dog was a Stand that looked like one girl was walking a bunch of dogs, which is probably why Dianna decided to call it Walking The Dog and probably why you didn’t really need me to explain it to you.

As the intensity heated up and the temperature continued to drop, the Mamas finally convinced Mimi to try and help them gain access to the inside of the building before both of Tina’s eyeballs and piglet toes froze solid.  Mimi’s a tough nut to crack, but eventually she agreed to meet Dianna for lunch the next day and plead their case.

And it worked!  Mimi and Tina finally got to enter the Forbidden Zone and watch a rehearsal!

Rittany was MIA again (…probably another covert military mission somewhere…) and Seloncé was late (…trust me, being pretty takes more time than you can imagine…) but Mimi and Tina raced in from the cold and plopped it down on two folding chairs like it was Bingo Night at the Dollhouse.

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A special Holiday Bingo Night apparently, since they were accompanied by the same background Christmas music you always hear when someone opens the door in a Macy’s commercial.  It was quite festive, actually.

When Seloncé finally showed up, in a slightly more weather appropriate ensemble for a change, she joined the Mamas and quickly got them all kicked right back outside.

That’s My Baby!!  That’s My Baby!  Five.  Six.  Seven And Eight.  Hi, Sunjai!!  Good Job, Sunjai!!  Why can’t I stop talking, Sunjai??

I wish I was better at lip reading than I am, because I really need to know what Tina was mouthing under her breath as she fumbled with her coat and got ready to get booted back out onto the cold sidewalk.  Check it out on your DVR.  Girlfriend was NOT happy, but it was awesome.

It was almost like she was talking in tongues or something.  Maybe possessed by the ghost of Dave Thomas (…digging the fast food braids, by the way…) or channeling one of those ladies from The Jerry Springer Show who always pick up a chair and crack it over their ex-husband’s head.

Violence is never the answer, kids.  The More You Know.

Later, with only one night to go before the competition, Dianna broke her own long standing rule and went out on a Date Night with her man Robert.

I really like him.  I just can’t figure out if he reminds me of  Dave Chappelle, JJ from Good Times (…DDPDynomite!…) or this guy I know who works at Barneys whose dress shirt is always a half-size too big around his neck.

But he’s a riot.  Robert, I mean.  The Barneys guy…not so much.

All that really mattered about this scene was how much they loved each other…and the dude with the beard and hunting cap busting a move in the background.  Did you see that crazy dancing?  A moving target never gets shot during deer season, I guess.

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Finally, it was Showtime!

The Shower Cap Shuttle pulled up to the venue and it was on.

As Dianna explained it, the Purple Diamonds were being taught to hate the Dancing Dolls, which goes against all the rules of good sportsmanship.  They were being trained to talk smack, be disrespectful and come into every competition with a chip already on their shoulders.

Thanks to Director Shanika, they were also apparently being taught how to wear at least 7 shades of eye shadow all at once without ever using the blending end of the brush.

Yowza.  That was…something.

Before the Stand Battle even began, the audience was In.  Sane.  Having two local teams compete on their home turf clearly unleashed all the crazy in their 27 zip codes.

(Google it.  They have 27 zip codes.  It’s online, so it’s gospel.)

All the DDDs were in the hizzle again.  Even Terrell made his second appearance in two weeks.  Kayla‘s Daddy was back on track!

Anticipating a rumble and realizing that Seloncé and her stilettos wouldn’t stand a chance against an unruly mob on such a slippery floor, Tin had brought her one of those plastic whistles that only dogs can hear, which I guess will come in handy if the PDs ever release any hounds in the heat of the battle.

Both teams clearly came to win this mutha.

The Element of Surprise is key to winning any Stand Battle, so Dianna had created a couple of new routines to throw at their rivals.  The first one involved Sunjai dressed up in a homemade PD costume that was ripped away to reveal her Inner Doll.  Never underestimate the power of a glue gun and velcro.  I know I don’t.

As the competition progressed, the PDs were growing increasingly aggressive and finally crossed the line with a routine that mimicked an all-out youtube chick fight playground beat down.  Not cool.  So not cool.

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Time to Walk The Dog, y’all.

The Dolls countered with a little bit of canine krunk before blowing their diamond shaped hands into nothingness.  Like when Taylor Swift makes that tired, played out old heart with fingers.  But this was a diamond.  And they destroyed it.

Oh, yeah.  They went there.

Poof.  Where’d it go?  Where’d it go?

The place went completely bazoinkerz and barely calmed down long enough to hear the announcement that the Purple Diamonds had won the Stand Battle.

Wait.  What?  Not cool, again.

And then it just got ugly.  Butt ugly, you could say.

The Purple Diamonds rushed the floor, snagged their trophy and then all turned to spank their substantial booties in the faces of the horrified Dolls.  Yeah.  That totally happened.

Really?  A butt spank?  Who does that?  And who taught them to do that?

As low class as it was, at least we didn’t have to look at their nasty eye makeup anymore.

But it’s ok.  It’s never really losing for Dianna.  It’s a Teaching Moment.

After a quick pep talk about humility and self respect, the Dolls all walked their own tired dogs back home and called it a night.  Next week they’ll just work harder and get it done.

Because that’s how they do.

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Side note:  Last week I got chewed out for talking about weaves too much.  I think I did much better this week, at least in comparison, so I feel I deserve a gimme.

Dat’s rite.  It’s time to walk the dawgs, bitches.

You’re welcome.

DD4L.

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Dance Moms: Presenting The New ALDC Team. And The Old ALDC Team. And The Mama Drama…Super Sized.

April 16th, 2014

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I can do Jazz, Ballet, Lyrical, Hip Hop, turn invisible and speak in Klingon. So, yeah…I got this.

 

 

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You wanna do this? Let’s do this. Cuz I can out drink AND out shop every one of you wannabes.

 

 

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Check it out, boyz. Mama’s wearing lipstick. If you squint I look like Kim Kardashian.

 

 

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I’m srsly ’bout to go all MackZ on this new chick. What we need is a Girl Party in the parking lot.

 

 

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Imma gon’ have to pretend that she did not just suggest dressing my baby up as a maid, ‘kay?

 

 

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Hold up. Do not even tell me that Blondie is trying to steal my look again.

 

 

kira

 

 

 

You know what they say about Arizona…It’s a dry heave.

 

 

 

Ok.

New Rule.

Going forward, all visitors to the Abby Lee Dance Company will be required to wear one of those sticky “Hello My Name Is…” tags from Staples for at least two episodes, because keeping track of everyone is starting to wear me out.

This week, the super-special, super-sized, super-loud 100th episode of Dance Moms was crawling with so many new Moms and offspring that I had to dig out my old March Madness brackets just to keep track of who belonged to who.

Which in turn means that this recap is super-sized.  So grab a snack.

After a couple of exceptionally depressing weeks spent dealing with the declining health and eventual passing of Abby’s beloved Mom (…RIP, Maryen Lorrain Miller…we miss you…) it was time to get back to saving those tears for your pillow.

And yelling.  Lots of yelling.

This was also the week when the long awaited Junior Select Ensemble would be revealed.  Finally.

That’s right.  A second ALDC team, hand picked from open casting calls held across the nation, in a process that seemed to have been going on ever since I started watching this show 14 years ago.  These kids better be good, that’s all I gotta say.

But first, the Pyramid of Shame.  Always the Pyramid.

As the kids all scooted in like they were getting ribbons at Sochi (…look at them in their little match-matchy ALDC Olympic team jackets…) I’ll admit I was a little disappointed that some Russian girl dressed as a snowflake didn’t accompany them to the medal stands.

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There was even a second tier riser behind the girls for all the Moms.  It was gonna be a tight squeeze this week, so everyone had to snuggle up a little bit to make some room for the newbies.

Bottom of the Pyramid was lined with Chloe, Nia and Kalani.

Chloe had pulled Fifth Place in her solo last week.  If Second Place is the first loser, I don’t even know what Fifth is…but it can’t be good.  Nia still had a long way to go to get to wherever Abby felt that she needed to be.  I didn’t ask.  And Kalani was just kind of there.

Some points for showing up would have been nice.  Being there is still a good thing, right?

The mezzanine was home to Kendall and Maddie.  I got chewed out for not giving Kendall enough props the last couple of weeks and I stand corrected.  Because she’s awesome sauce.  And a patootie.

Do the math.  A patootie and a ‘kenzie on the second tier means that Mackenzie and her pouty faced Instagram photo were on top!

She dances.  She records songs.  She auditions backup dancers.  She films music videos.

She can do it all!  She’s like a freakin’ mini Oprah.  If Oprah was a 9 year old white girl from Pittsburgh with braces and an auto-tuned dance mix on iTunes, I mean.

What we need is a Gayle Party!

(C’mon.  That.  Was.  Hilarious.  When Kathy Griffin steals that joke for a Bravo TV special I’m totally calling Melissa‘s lawyer.)

And then…the Arrival.

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As they blasted the same Survivor music you always hear when Jeff Probst pulls a tribe member’s paper out of The Coconut of Shame, the new and improved ALDC team entered the studio.

O to the M to the G.

Aw Hell Naw.  They got Olympic jackets, too?  Already?  AND they got to hooch ’em up by unzipping them and flashing some tube tops?  So not fair.

Since the Lifetime network legal department frowns on actually collecting DNA swabs from inside the cheeks of little girls while they sleep, Abby’s new team was as close to a cloned version of the Original Recipe Girls as she could get without going to court.  One by one, she pulled them forward to stand next to their dancing dopplegängers and then it was on like Donkey Kong.

Or at least how they play Donkey Kong in Arizona, anyway.  Turns out that Kira already knew Mom Tracey and her daughter Sarah R. from their old studio in AZ and she blew the first MomNut of the episode as soon as the new team filed into the studio.  Something about Tracey wishing that Kalani was her own daughter, which gets a little creepy if you think about it for too long.

Sarah R. was the new Nia.  Or she wishes.

As if, Girlfriend.  As if.  You might want to leave now and beat traffic, because remember…Mom Holly‘s SassyPants also come in tweeny bop sizes, mmmkay?

Nia got all IDon’tThinkSo and snarked a little sumthin sumthin about how all Sarah knows is…zzzz…acro and then stepped back in line to get high fived by Dr. Beyoncé.

That’s my baby!  That’s my baby!

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And then it was Kendall and Ava and Ava’s Mom Jeanette.

Second New Rule, Jeanette.  You’re allowed to enter Forever 21 with your daughter, but you are not allowed to purchase anything for yourself ever again.  Ever.  Did you see those leggings?  And every other outfit (…Spoiler Alert: 2 for $20 knock-off sunglasses…) that she was rocking for the entire 90 minute show?  I just can’t.

I’m not trying to be mean, but…I’m just being mean.  Stop it.  Right now.  Spit that out and put it back on the rack so some 11 year old can have something nice to wear on her next birthday.

Next up, Kalani met her evil twin Jade and her Mom Loree.  Kalani and Jade were paired up because they both wear Hawaiian flowers on the left side of their head.  Jade was a pretty girl but didn’t look anything like her Mom, so you know I’ve already made up some good stories that I may share at a later date after I decide whether or not they’re appropriate for a younger audience.

And then Abby wheeled out one of those gigantic porcelain dolls with freckles and pigtails that always come to life at night in horror movies and burn the house down.

Or maybe it was just Tea’ and her Mom Tami.

Who apparently brought their own Dark Shadows haunted music box soundtrack, which you could hear in the background when Tea came forward and saw dead people.  She was a cutie, but something about her gave me a Toddlers & Tiaras flashback.

I don’t think her feet actually touched the floor, but that could have just been me not paying attention and making stuff up.

And then there was tiny Sarah H. and her not so tiny Mom.

Programming Note:  At this week’s performance, the role of Leslie Ackerman will be played by Christy with a Y.  Please turn off your cellphones and enjoy the show.

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Christy with a Y is the same Christy with a Y who flipped a switch over at Melissa’s house last week and almost went home in a squad car.  You remember her.  Well, she’s still screaming and yelling and doing all those things that Leslie used to do, but now she’s just doing them in plus sizes.

Oy.

The last clone came with a snazzy glitter headband and an extra scoop of attitude.

As Kamryn listed off every award in her trophy case, Chloe gave some of the best SideEye ever in the history of SideEye and grew another inch.  Kamryn’s Mom Jodi had one of those hairdos that always makes me wonder if that was the original plan, or if she just ran out of time curling her hair and never got to all those straight pieces.

It’s something I like to call Pageant Mom Hair and you know exactly what I’m talking about.  Swap her kid out with Tami’s and all we need is an Outfit of Choice and some finger kisses.  I’ll bring the Pixie Stix.

Oh.  And Maddie got yanked to the New Team.  Psych.

This week they would be heading to Youngstown, Ohio for another Energy Dance Competition.  We’ll get to who got what assignment when we get to it…if we get to it…because there is waaay too much to cover this week.

As the Junior Elite Team (…ie ALDC#1) got to rehearsing their ‘Royals’ group number, the Moms hit the Perch for some Starbucks and snark.  Both of which were grandé.

The Moms were mesmerized by how easily Kira’s inner Kristy Ray had (…finally!…) manifested itself all up in Tracey’s face down in the studio.  For the first time since Abby’s Ultimate Dance Competition, the old Kira/Kristy was back and I got a little sentimental.

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We got a quick backstory on Kira and Tracey, which was nice, but all that really mattered was that Kira’s earrings started flapping around and it made me really miss my girl Kristy.

Le’ts Go!  Let’s Go!  Hit Me!  Hit Me!

Dr. Beyoncé also thought that having Melissa being spread between two teams would allow for some stellar opportunities to spy on the competition.

Holly has a PhD in International Espionage, you know.  It’s true.  It’s in her book.

Unfortunately, it was supposed to remain a secret, so now I’m going to have to kill you to protect our government.  I’m sure understand.

And then suddenly everyone swapped places like a bad Freaky Friday remake as the New Moms shoved the Old Moms out of their seats to watch ALDC#2 do their thing.

Jeanette was still wearing leggings, by the way.

They all were, now that you mention it.  Everyone except for Loree, that is.  When Abby called both the New and the Old Moms all down to the studio together, Loree stood out like a sore thumb.  If you had just turned the channel or walked into the room at that point you probably wondered why a senator’s wife was standing at the end of a row of Dance Moms.

Yeah.  A room full of competitive women.  What could possible go wrong?

Christi with an I checked her manicure about 97 times and then Christy with a Y got all Leslie with an L on everyone and the whole thing imploded.  Faster then rats leaving a sinking ship, the Old Moms bailed and walked out like it was some kind of underpaid labor strike in a plastics factory.  You’re crazy, lady.  We’re going out to smoke on the picket line.

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The next day, Jeanette really kicked up her Legging Game to a whole other level in the MomPerch as Christy with a Y somehow managed to pick up her screaming at the exact point where she had left off the day before.

After a delightfully uncomfortable parking lot transition between the Old and New Moms (…I feel a good old fashioned  Krystal vs. Alexis Dynasty koi pond throw down coming on between Kira and Tracey…) the Moms in the opening credits hit the Perch to watch Kendall and Kalani’s bootleg ‘Rule The World’ duet.

Which was right about when I started crushing on my MomCrush Jill again.

Abby wanted the girls to take down their Asia Monet Ray buns and Whip Their Hair Back And Forth, which was apparently some kind of subliminal cue for Jill to do the same up in the MomPerch.

Part Willow Smith.  Part Beyoncé.  Part Britney.  Part city Mom going camping for the first time ever and freaking out because she got a crawly bug in her hair.

I don’t even know what happened, but it was pretty much everything that makes me want to go shopping with Jill.  I could have actually turned off my television and that point and gone to bed happy.

With one day left to go, it was crunch time.  And pretty much exactly like the day before but with different outfits.

Christy with a Y got all CrazyFace on Melissa up in the Perch, who bailed and ran down the stairs while being blessed by the CrazyPope.  That was some random oddness.

Chloe even got to rehearse the ‘Lucky Star’ dance that would be going up against Kamryn in the solo division, but it basically just turned into a good opportunity for Abby to pull out her iPhone and catch up with her Twitter followers.

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Jill Vertes Fashion Watch:  Fur for Days.  Christi even got so mesmerized by all that VertesVelour that she couldn’t stop herself from stroking Jill’s jacket like it was some kind of designer pound puppy.  Which in an odd way meant that I didn’t feel so uncomfortable for rubbing up against my television screen.  Because that’s not weird at all.

Old Moms.  New Moms.  The only thing that could make it better would be booze.

So it was off to some hotel hallway (…what was that?  I swear there were half eaten Room Service trays under Melissa’s seat…) for cocktails.  The only take aways from that scene were watching Kira and Tracey go another round and seeing Holly lunge across the table to save some wobbly wine glasses.

Srsly.  For someone who doesn’t drink, Nia’s Mama can sure snatch a lot wine glasses in one hand.  Just saying.  If you play the scene back in slow motion it looks exactly like when the radio says there’s a big snow storm coming and people start snarfing up all the toilet paper with both arms.

Mine!

Finally, it was Showtime!

With the usual screaming dance fans eagerly waiting with their cell phones for the ALDC to arrive, of course.  Was it just me, or did that one tall girl who was crying like she had just seen The Beatles look like she was 40 years old?  Really?

Tea’ showed up clinging to a stuffed dog, which I assumed was from Toys “R” Us and not another Broadway Baby moment.  But nothing would surprise me when it comes to this show, so never say never.

Everyone danced.  Go check it out on youtube if you can’t stand not knowing what happened…I’m running out of room here.

And then Cathy Nesbitt-Stein showed up, wearing who knows what, to make fun of everything that the other Moms were wearing.  I think her outfit was inside out.

Take a moment to really look at everyone.  I’ll wait.

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According to her rambling bragging, one of the Candy Apples’ award winning girls was there in the building to hand out awards.  I guess that means that while you’re waiting for that big Broadway callback, you might as well be handing out tiny fake tiaras to dance kids.  Whatever keeps you off the streets, honey.

Abby threatened to go all Godzilla and toss a trash can on top of Cathy for laughs and then somewhere along the line Tracey got so nervous that put a water bottle on her face and tossed her own lunch into a (…thankfully…) different trash can.

I already used my Arizona dry heat/dry heave joke earlier, so I have nothing left to give for my country at this point.

All the dances were great.  Even the ALDC#1’s ‘Maids in Combat Boots’ routine was da bomb and made me realize that I need to stop blogging so much and pick up around the house.

The award ceremony allowed everyone to bust out another round of Gangnam Style before picking up their stash.  Apparently that is a requirement for getting any trophies nowadays.

And then some kids won some stuff.  But I’m not telling you who won what, because it wouldn’t be a mid-season finale without a cliffhanger, right?

Let’s just say that the Old and the New haven’t worked out all the kinks yet.

Who’s staying?  Who’s leaving?  Who knows.

So stay tuned until next time.

Right now, we just made it through 100 episodes.

Nobody lost an eye.  And nobody’s in jail.

Yet.

Jill.  Christi.  Get this party started, will ya?

Happy 100!

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To be continued…


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