Bring It!: The Dolls Are Twerking It To The Streets…Rocking The Parade And Tick Tocking Some Stinky Divas.

April 13th, 2014

s2

 

 

Imma gon’ have to ask you and your little monkey hat to back it up before I King Kong your a**.

 

 

n

 

 

Those bitches are crazy. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to secure my hair and drop it like it’s hot.

 

 

s1

 

 

Haters gonna hate, Baby. That’s why I had to break up Destiny’s Child and move to Jackson.

 

 

t4

 

 

“Oh Lawd Jesus, it’s a pom pom!” Then I ran out on the gym floor…I didn’t grab no wigs or nothing.

 

 

jj1

 

 

 

How’z ’bout we let the ladies fight this one out? I just got my braids done.

 

 

do

 

 

 

Don’t try this at home, kids. Ever.

 

 

c1

 

 

 

 

Dat s*** nasty.

 

 

 

 

Hold up.

What is dat?

You smell sumthin?

It kinda smells a little bit like…well…you know.

For now, just hold your nose…and hold that thought.  I promise we’ll get back to it later.

Right now, let’s talk about how Bring It! brought it again this week.  And brought it hard.

After spanking the Prancing Tigerettes at last week’s competition, Dianna Williams and her Dancing Dolls were already back at the Dollhouse preparing for another battle.

This week the gang would be headed to Memphis.  Again.

I’m not sure if that’s the only city the bus driver has figured out how to load into his GPS or if there’s some other reason why they keep crossing the Tennessee line every week, but they sure go there a lot.

Hosted by the Dazzling Glamorettes, this week’s competition would once again bring the Dolls face to face with the Divas of Olive Branch, the (…Spoiler Alert…) Divas of Olive Branch’s Naughty Bits and the Girls Who Wear Too Much Makeup At The Gym.

The Dolls would be presenting two routines.  A Pom Pom Shake Your Bon Bon dance and a Stand Battle rematch against the Divas of Olive Branch.

As you’ll recall, the last time the two teams met up face to crotch, the scoring had been as questionably uncomfortable as the signature stripper splits that the Divas seem to throw into every one of their routines.  Tick.  Tick.  Tick.  And Boom.

Short Version:  The Dolls had lost out on the First Place trophy while the Divas of Olive Branch pretty much made it rain up in there.

Dollar, dollar bill, yo.

This time around, though, Miss D wasn’t having it.  As inappropriate as she felt all those Di-VaJayJay moves were…sometimes you have to fight fire with fire.  You just stay tuned.

c3

But wait.  There’s more.

This was going to be a very busy week, because the Dolls were also taking part in the Canton City Of Lights Parade, which apparently is a pretty big deal if you live in Canton and pay your electric bill on time.

And even better than that…smiley Camryn was going to lead the parade!

How cute is that Cammy and her wide eyed, slurpy metal braces face?  Such a cutie.  If this was the Pixar animated version of Bring It! you just know her eyes would be bugging out of her head on Slinky springs and that ginormous hair bow would be spinning around like red helicopter blades.

She’s always straight up ‘Great Googly Oogly!’ every time something gets her excited.  And it’s awesome.  She clearly gets all that facial mobility from her Mama.

Mama Mimi that is, who, along with the rest of the DDPs, was getting jiggly wid it outside the building as rehearsals began inside.

Thankfully, It’s Rittany Bitch was finally back in the hizzle, so all was right with the world.  Having her back on the sidewalk not only gave me the giggles, but also gave Seloncé one more person to mess with as she ran laps around the parking lot alerting the entire town to the fact that Sunjai had just scored alternate status for the Stand Battle.

Side note:  FYI.  Alternate Status really just means that if the entire team oversleeps and forgets to get on the bus, you might be able to take part in the Stand Battle.  Or not.

For the sixth week in a row, the award for Wearing A Wig That Clearly Came With A Bonus Apron, Paint-On Freckles Kit And A Wendy’s Name Tag went to my girl Tina.

Just.  Shut.  Up.  with that new wig.  Love this bitch.

All I want to do now is see the secret room where she keeps all that crazy a** hair.

And maybe have a Frosty.

The next day was Parade Day.  And it certainly lived up to its name, because there were definitely a lot of lights.  And it was in Canton.  So it all kind of made sense now.

Camryn was nervous, Mimi was nervous, Kayla was trying not to play the Captain Card and Dianna was dishing out some tough coaching love.

tt

It was your typical local-docal Main Street route, so I’m sure there were a couple of town council people passing out buttons and at least one beauty queen sitting on the headrest of a Camaro convertible that we didn’t get to see.

But all that really mattered were the Dancing Dolls.  And the gigantic vinyl Dancing Dolls banner, which was being marched down the street by Laverne & Shirley.

Or Rittany & Seloncé, maybe.  It was hard to tell.

In retrospect, someone probably should have told Seloncé that the parade was not actually being held in her honor, because her Miss America Atlantic City victory walk waves pretty much gave me life.  For meeee?  You’re all here for meeee?

And the Dolls?  They killed it.

Even when Camryn forgot to stay in the center of the street, they looked great.

Trust me, honey.  If I had a penny for every time  I’ve been walking down the middle of the street on a Friday night in white go-go boots and crossed into the median bushes…

It’s no big deal.

And can we talk about how they did that last sharp right turn at the end of the parade route?  Totally how I’m leaving my office meeting next Monday.

Have those reports on my desk by 5pm.  Strut strut drop pivot pop.

It should also be pointed out that Sunjai pats her head a lot.  Just needed to be said.

After a quick snooze, everyone woke up the next day, put on their elasticized CVS shower caps (…what’s that all about?…) and jumped on the bus to Memphis.

Before they even hit the first toll booth, the coach for the Divas of Olive Branch hit Dianna up on her Sidekick.  Neva (…rhymes with Diva…) called for no apparent reason other than to mess with Miss D’s head, but it didn’t work.  Thankfully, call waiting kicked in and Dianna had to hang up on NevaDiva to answer a second call from Adia, the Memphis competition coordinator whose cable provider doesn’t offer The Weather Channel.

This is the deal as I understand it…

sj

Every single person on this show has an excessively blinged-out cell phone and/or iPad with them at all times, and yet apparently not one person thought to check a weather app when they woke up.  Adia let Dianna know that the entire show had just been cancelled due to a snow storm.  A freak snow storm that had apparently just materialized from the heavens 20 minutes before the competition was supposed to begin.

I still don’t understand how a sistah does her hair.  And now this?

Without skipping a beat, the bus driver pulled a Camryn and before anyone even knew what happened they had reversed direction in the middle of the highway and were already back where they started.

(That was a joke.  We love you, Cammy.)

Now what?

Dianna wasn’t about to waste a weekend, so everyone piled back into the Dollhouse to rehearse their new signature slam against those nasty Divas.

I give you…The Stinky Diva.

The Dancing Dolls’ version of the Olive Oil Spread.  But more tastefully done.  And only to be used as a last resort GoForTheKill Stand Battle attack.  But what good is ammunition if you don’t get to hurl it at your enemy, right?  Which is why Kayla came up with the idea to call the Divas and set up a Street Battle.

No judges.  No rules.  No limits.  No trophies.

Just Victory.

And every battle needs a Secret Weapon.  Or at least a girl dressed all in pink waving a big pink flag.  Which meant that Sunjai was called up to active Stand Battle duty and Seloncé just ’bout had the vapors.

In a knit monkey hat, of course.

Srsly.  Did you see that crazy thing on Seloncé’s head?  (Not the weave.  The hat.)

md

It was one of those Urban Outfitters beanies that all the musical theater students wear while they’re standing in line waiting for Anime Convention tickets to go on sale.

Gurl, pleez.  Just say NO to monkey hats.

But on the other hand, make sure you say YES to those crazy a** braids that my girl Tina was rocking under her chinchilla.  A couple feet of pipe cleaner wire and I could make those things stand straight up like Pippi Longstocking.

Google it, kids, because that joke was HIGHlarious.  Hashtag: Dead.

BTW I can’t believe that bitch hasn’t called me for Klub Nite yet.

One more quick snooze and another outfit change and the action shifted to Olive Branch.

The Dolls showed up in head to toe cammo and black football grease under their eyes.  Dianna showed up with some serious attitude.

The Divas showed up in those shredded tank tops that the trashy girls are always wearing at State Fairs.  Neva showed up with 40 pounds of gold jewelry and one of those metallic mesh tops that always snags your favorite sweater.

It was on.  After Neva gave the Diva’s a Superbowl pep talk and showed them all what Beyoncé‘s aunt must look like when she gets sloppy drunk at a wedding, that is.

Then it was on.

Whoa, Neva.  Snap that hair, Miss Thang.  Just don’t break a hip, please.

Feel free to take it to the torch, though.  Whatever that means.

The place was crawling with Diva Fans and Baby Daddies.  JJ and Calvin and even Kayla’s Dad Terrell showed up to represent!

It was pandemonium.

Dolls vs. Divas.  Divas vs. Dolls.  All on a pretty even playing field until the Dolls started gaining ground and the Divas started turning their backs on them.  Twice.

I know, right?  Rude, much?

n1

Dianna and Kayla pulled out the Big Guns and got all fake Stinky Divas, which totally messed with the confidence of the real Stinky Divas.  Especially after Neva explained how Sexisentual her girls really were, which I think was supposed to be two separate words.

Then the Divas went into combat mode.

On their backs.

I’m not really sure what happened after that.  Everyone was in the middle of the floor like a rumble was about to go down when all of the sudden some wound up Diva Fan stormed the Dolls with one random pom pom and a screech that only dogs could hear.  She hit Camryn in the face with the pom pom, causing a whole new Mimi to erupt right out of the top of the old Mimi’s head.  And the next thing you knew, the new Mimi was on the floor getting all That’sMyBabyThat’sMyBabyHitMeHitMe on the Diva chick.

I think Neva popped the zipper on her top, unless it was made to be opened up in the back like that.  I didn’t want to freeze the DVR.  That would have been creepy.

E’rryone was freakin’ out.

Tina and her crazy a** braids even stormed the floor like it was Black Friday at Walmart.

Not Target.  Walmart.

As all the Daddies hung back and talked about last night’s game, the Moms all started taking off their shoes and earrings.

Except for Seloncé.  Because she’s way too pretty to fight.

I feel your pain, sister.  I do.

Then suddenly, as fast as it began, it ended.  After a whole lot of Talk To The Hands and a few more Hold Me Backs, the crowd began to separate.

Cuz Dianna don’t play.  And she certainly don’t play like this.

Lead by example:  Hit the road.  Not the face.

Stinky Divas say Whaaaa—?

DD4L.

t3

Dance Moms: Lights! Camera! Dance! Jump On The Bed And Then Shuffle Off To Buffalo For One Last Tribute.

April 9th, 2014

j

 

 

I never actually looked at the back of her head before. How does she even make it do that?

 

 

c

 

 

 

Oh yeah, Boyeez. There’s a new Christy in town.

 

 

a3

 

 

If she wants some Jackson 5 Realness, how ’bout I dangle one of these babies over the railing?

 

 

bi

 

 

Aw Hell Naw. I know they didn’t just slap that damn ‘Bring It!’ on top of me when my hair is looking so on point. Srsly?

 

 

j2

 

 

I’m just saying it looks like a blue bathrobe. Don’t ask my opinion if you don’t wanna hear it.

 

 

z

 

 

Just tell her that she does NOT want me coming down there snapping my fingers in a Z formation.

 

 

m1

 

 

Lawd, just gimme the strength to not turn around and snatch that cell phone right outta her sweaty paws.

 

 

 

Warning:  Dance Moms was a downer again.

Not as much of a downer as last week’s sob fest, but you still needed to dab the kleenex a few times as everyone continued to deal with the declining health of Abby‘s Mom Maryen Lorrain Miller.  It was getting real and raw now.

Luckily, though, there was also enough craziness and random Mama Drama to distract those of us who prefer their reality to be…ummm…a little less real, thank you.

There was a lot going on this week, so after a quick front desk tear jerker with Melissa, Abby got right down to business.  Her job was to keep going and that’s what she was going to do.  The Pyramid of Shame doesn’t care if you’re sad or not.

As everyone fell into position, Abby was quick to point out that it was time to start getting tough.  Thirteen wins in a row was nice, but fourteen would be nicer.

No pressure, of course.

Oh.  And next week the new ALDC competition team would be arriving.  So, yeah…on second thought…maybe a little pressure.

And how ’bout that new team?  I don’t know what train they’re traveling on, but it must be making stops at every corner because it has taken them for-ev-er to get to Pittsburgh.  Abby has been dangling this make believe team over the Original Recipe kids’ heads since last season.

But next week they would finally be in the building and my psychic powers are already telling me that at least one of them stuffed a KrazyMom in their suitcase.  So get psyched.

On top of all that exciting news, there was also Mackenzie‘s gangstah rap music video to deal with this week.  And maybe even an actual dance competition if they could squeeze it in between everything else going on at the studio.

Bottom row of the Pyramid was home to Nia, Kendall and Kalani.

Nia had been cut from the group number last week, so she was stuck on the bottom as punishment.  Mom Holly clearly did not agree with that decision and was so mad that she went to the salon and got herself an updo just to spite Abby.

a1

Srsly, chile.  Girlfriend is werkin’ that new hair this season.  If you were taking shots every time Dr. Beyoncé changed looks this week you probably didn’t make it past the third commercial break.  Once you sober up, you might want to check the videotape.

Amazeballs.

Kendall was in the bottom because she came in Second in the last competition, which is not the same as coming in First.  And Kalani just seemed to be scotch taped next to Kendall in order to make room for Maddie on the top.

The mezzanine level was all about MackZ and Chloe.  MackDiddy got mad props for learning a dance and laying down recording studio tracks all in the same week (…never too young to learn good multi-tasking skills I always say…) while Chloe followed Kalani’s lead and got the heck outta the way so Maddie could be back on top.

This week the gang was headed to The Masters of Dance Arts in Buffalo, NY where all the routines would be performed as tributes to Abby’s Mom and her amazing career.

Chloe scored a 1950’s themed “Friday Night” sock hop soda pop solo, which represented how much Abby’s Mom loved watching Laverne & Shirley, while Maddie scored a “Come To The Cabaret” solo because I guess Maryen knew Liza Minelli or something.

The group dance was basically Maddie’s old “Amazing Grace” routine reworked with backup dancers.  All the girls would be in the number, except for MackTheKnife who was needed on set for her MTV debut.

Even though Chloe had made the cut for the MackZ video last week, she got yanked at the last minute to stay at the studio and work on her solo with James, some ALDC choreographer who suddenly materialized out of nowhere with duct tape covering the logos on his shirt.

I’ll never understand why people do that.  If you know you’re going to be filmed today, why do you always show up wearing a shirt with logos on it and then run all around looking for plumber’s tape?  How about you just wear a black tee shirt?

Macy’s sells a 3-pack for $19.99 fercryinoutloud.  And there’s always a coupon.

While Chloe and James did their best to make sure Nike didn’t get any free advertising, everyone else headed to Melissa’s house for some straight up video chaos.

gp

An ‘on location shoot’ as they say in the biz.

Yup.  MackZ’s video was being filmed in her own bedroom, which was filled with so many colors and patterns and bouncy things that the scene should have probably had one of those disclaimers crawling across the bottom of the screen like you see when strobe lights are being used at a concert.

You just know that somebody in Idaho had a seizure before they even finished downloading the damn song off iTunes.

The whole extravaganza was being directed by Andrew, who can no proudly say that on national television he traded in his ManCard for his SAG card just by showing 200 tweeny boppers at a sleepover how to scream “What We Need Is A Girl Party!” with so much authenticity that it made me uncomfortable.  Dude.  Let’s not do that again, ok?

While Andrew pushed MackWhack off the bed so he and Abby could jump on it themselves, the Moms were all downstairs where the real party was happening.

Couple of things.

One.  I’m not gonna say I told you so.  But I told you so.

Didn’t I just say last week that my MomCrush Jill was waiting to unleash some of her signature Vertes Couture on us when we least expected it?  You know I did.

Whoop der it is.  Crazy fur.

Not as crazy as the blue bathrobe that she wore in the MomPerch later on in the episode.  But still classic Jill.

So, yeah.  I was right about that.  But I was wrong when I said that I couldn’t possible love her any more this week than I did last week.  Because now I do.

I think it’s probably because I know she stole that bathrobe from Canyon Ranch and I secretly want her to take me with her the next time she goes on a Girls’ Weekend Spa Retreat.  Whatever.

Two.  Didn’t the Moms look like they were on The View, all sitting around on those leather couches discussing today’s Hot Topics?  Holly even made a WhoopeeFace a few times.

Three.  I bet Melissa’s house smells like Homegoods potpourri and waffles.  It just looks like the kind of place that would have Eggos in the freezer.

k

Anyway.  Casa Ziegler was crawling with Old Moms and New Moms and so much commotion that I got a little car sick when everyone was in the same room.  Some never before seen ALDC Moms were in the hizzle for the fo’ shizzle video shoot, including big girl Christy (…with a ‘Y’…) whose daughter Sarah was up on the second floor with her head stuck in the staircase railing.

I think all of the Von Trapp kids were actually up on that overhang with Abby.  I was waiting for it to collapse like those fire escapes you always see on the news.

Melissa hates Christy with a Y for some reason.  I don’t know if she hates her more than she hated Kristie with a K last season, but definitely more than she hates Christi with an I on a bad day.

All I really know is that there’s probably a Pittsburgh cop specifically assigned to the Dance Moms detail by now, because Melissa threatened to call 911 if Christy with a Y didn’t yank her kid’s head out of the banister and get the hell outta her house after she did or said something that probably involved Maddie.

The next day, the video was in the can and the girls were back to rehearsing.  The Moms were in the MomPerch.  Melissa was squirting the biggest tube of lip balm onto her face that I’ve ever seen.  And my MomCrush was a vision in blue.

Bucket List:  Go to the Mall with Jill and see her in her natural habitat.  We could hang out in JCPenney while Holly’s gettin’ her hair did.

Downstairs, Abby was picking on Nia again.  So much so that she actually sent Nia upstairs to get her Mom, who was not in the mood at all.

Side note:  After months of in depth scientific research and studies, I’ve found a direct correlation between the curl in Holly’s hair and her level of sassiness.  It’s true.

And Mama set it on the big rollers today, if you know what I mean.

Snap.  And then another snap.  Any questions?

We also got to watch Maddie rehearse and see Abby cry.  Her Mom was slipping away, so she would not be going to the competition.  Which was sad, but also meant that Gianna could be large and in charge again this week.  She’s a tough cookie.

n

Gia even wore lipstick in her headshot interview, so you know she meant business.

Finally, it was Showtime!  And hiking in the snow time.

Seriously.  How far away did they park?  Did you see them trekking down the sidewalk?

Backstage in the makeup room, it was the usual backstage in the makeup room drama.  Melissa had gotten a text earlier in the week that Studio Larkin would be at the competition, which was apparently a pretty big deal since everyone was already starting to unravel before any of the girls were even dressed.

Speaking of things escalating quickly.  Somehow everyone started bickering over New Team vs. Old Team and then Christi with an I got (bleeped) out for swearing about Maddie and Kalani being new BFF besties.

Turns out that Maddie (…allegedly…) had talked some smack right up in Chloe’s face and then everyone in the room pig piled onto the argument.

The password is:  Favoritism.

Dr. Beyoncé even compared Abby’s seemingly random weekly exclusion of various girls to the way the Jackson 5 used to always forget to put Tito on the tour bus.

Holly has a PhD in Motown, you know.  True story.

Eventually, they even got to some actual dancing.

The Larkin Ladies were in the row behind our Dance Moms.  One of them didn’t look up from her Samsung Galaxy for the entire competition, so I’m not really sure why she even made the trip.  Not rude at all, right?

There was also a judge that was either a boy or a girl.  Just felt that needed to be said.

Maddie’s solo was a Maddie solo.  It was Broadway, baby.

As opposed to Broadway Baby.  RIP.

Chloe nailed her solo, getting all Shooby Dooby Wop Wop all over the stage.  It was fun to watch, even though that Larkin Lady missed the whole thing.

m3

Right before the group routines, we got a glimpse of some unnamed dance troupe doing some kind of Wizard of Oz flashmob and it totally cracked me up.  I’ll be youtubing that bad boy later, don’t you worry.

The Studio Larkin team’s dance was great.  But it should be, since I’m pretty sure that all the girls were in their early 30s.  What the–?

They also all had the same color hair and looked like some Stepford Wives meets Radio City Rockettes mad scientist experiment.  At first I thought that maybe the actual Larkin girls were stuck on the side of the road with a flat tire and the Moms had to go on in their place, but I dunno…

And then the ALDC team did their thing.  Chloe looked like she had somehow gotten taller while she was backstage changing out of her solo costume and Maddie came up off the stage floor like Lance Bass did in that *NSYNC marionette video.

Google it, kids.  There really was life before Bieber.  Trust me.

If MackZ’s psychedelic bedroom hadn’t already made you bite your own tongue off, those flashing light towers at the back of the stage probably did the job.

Gah, I hate those things.

And then it was over.  And so was the ALDC’s winning streak.

Studio Larkin took the top spot.  Gia and the girls took Second Place.

But this week wasn’t about the trophies.  It was about paying tribute to an amazing lady.

Even Abby said it.

Nobody could believe she said it.  But she said it.  And it was true.

Next week probably won’t be pretty.  At all.

But today was different.

And even more important than a trophy.

Today was for Mom.

lm

 

Bring It!: We Got Baby Daddies In The Dollhouse And Sunjai In Stilettos. It’s A Michael Jackson Memphis Thriller!

April 5th, 2014

q

 

 

They wanna know why he’s always wearing that Sprint earpiece even when there’s no damn cell service inna gym.

 

dd

 

 

 

We show up. We win. That’s pretty much how we do, mmmkay?

 

t

 

 

 

Daddy gotta work again this weekend. Those crazy a** red wigs ain’t gonna pay for themselves.

 

ti

 

 

 

You know Imma standing right here and can totally hear everything you say, right? Srsly, Boo.

 

 

jj1

 

 

 

Dang, Boyeeee. She just played you like a refurbed Xbox 360.

 

 

s

 

 

 

Baby, it don’t matter there’s no lenses in these glasses when you look like a hot Librarian Beyoncé.

mm

 

 

 

 

Lawd, dat gurl. Next thing you know she’ll be walking in with a giant bag of Payless shoes.

 

 

 

Seriously.

How much do we love this show?

I mean Love.  This.  Show.

And I’m not even talking about the positive role modeling or messages of high self esteem and confidence that Dianna Williams instills in all her Dolls on a daily basis.

That’s like a given.  And it’s beyond awesome.

I’m talking about how much bucking fun the whole thing is every episode.

And this week was no exception as Bring It! brought it once again.

Whether you like your TV Old Skool or New Skool, there was a little sumthin sumthin for everyone this time around as the Dancing Dolls got ready to hit Memphis for another face off with their arch rivals the Prancing Tigerettes.  Crossing state lines into Enemy Territory, the girls would need to pull out all the big guns if they wanted to bring home another trophy, which meant that both the moves and the Moms needed to be on point this week.

Starting with Seloncé, who was outside the Dollhouse getting a quick little swat on the nose from baby girl Sunjai.

After bringing her Why You Keep Cutting My Baby Tour right into the Dollhouse last week, Seloncé had been banned from their most recent competition.  To prevent history from repeating itself, Sunjai wanted to make certain that her Mom and all her vicarious Mama Drama remained outside the building, which was pretty much like telling a brand new puppy to sit and then hearing it follow you into the next room as soon as you turn around.

Mama loves her baby and only wants the best for her.  She just wants it yesterday.

Inside the Krunk Kompound, Dianna was laying out the 411 on the upcoming Memphis competition and it sounded like it was gonna be killer.  Or Thriller.  Or both.

t2

Hosted by the Dynamic Diamond Dolls, the event would include performances from the aforementioned Prancing Tigerettes, the Divas of Olive Branch and the Girls Who Can Put On A Full Face Of Makeup While Driving Stickshift During Rush Hour.

The Dolls would be presenting two routines.  A Stand Battle against the Tigerettes and a Michael Jackson inspired theme dance.  Fun, right?  Michael Jackson.  MJ.

Fun, that is, until I realized that most of the girls probably had to Google ‘Michael Jackson’ when they got home.  Then I just felt old.  Then I really did the math and after realizing that none of them had ever seen, much less owned, an actual vinyl copy of Off The Wall I decided to just pause the show to go outside and lay in traffic for awhile.

Speaking of outside.  The Moms were all snooping in the windows and goofing around the sidewalk in their snuggly winter gear as Dianna began rehearsals.

Seloncé was rocking some exceptionally skin tight leggings and vowing to take Sunjai’s place on the team if her baby didn’t get her shiz together soon.  Mama wants it bad.

For the 5th week in a row, the award for Wearing A Wig That’s The Same Color As The Costumes In Pixar’s The Incredibles went to my girl Tina.

Full disclosure:  I went out last week to one of those strip mall Beauty Supply places and bought myself a hot a** weave just so I could snatch it off my own hot a** head whenever Tina comes on screen.  I should probably also point out that so far I’ve saved up almost $37 in bail money for when I go clubbing with these hot a** Moms.  Hit me up, Bitches.

Love. Dot Com.

Especially Tina in that Alexis Carrington chinchilla hat.  It was freakin’ Dynasty Night at The Apollo, I tell you.  She can do no wrong.

On a side note, it was nice to learn that synthetic weaves keep your ears warm.  I had no idea.  Good to know when Cher and I go skiing in Aspen next winter.

There was also a little boy in a Where’s Waldo beanie and puffy red jacket jumping around like he really had to go the bathroom in the middle of recess.  No lie, it was probably 25 minutes into the show before I realized that it was just Mimi in a marshmallow parka.

d

She so cray.

Back inside, the girls were rocking out to their routines and they were pretty intricate.

The MJ theme alone consisted of FOUR parts:  A chair dance, some Way You Make Me Feel moves in heels, a jazzy bit of boogie and the climactic fight scene.  Cuz You Know I’m Bad.  I’m Bad.  You Know It.

Congrats to Sunjai who scored the front spot in the stiletto portion of the routine!!!!  After the last few weeks, it was good to see our girl regaining some of her confidence and working hard for that front row.  Since me and my slippery dress shoes could barely make it across the dance floor at my prom, I gotta give mad props to anyone who can do an air split into a face plant in Jimmy Choos.

And then JJ showed up again.  Sunjai’s Baby Daddy.  Back for another visit channeling even more Cliff Huxtable and Fred Sanford than last week, if that’s possible.

His Dance-Off with Seloncé pretty much gave me life.  I can’t even do it justice.

With Tina and Waldo singing ‘Get It Get It Get It’ riffs like those beat boxers who perform in clown pants on the Boardwalk all summer, JJ and Seloncé showed us all once and for all in a Solid Gold vs. Soul Train kinda throw down where Sunjai really got all her moves.

Needless to say, JJ won.  Because the ladies love JJ.  Dude could run in a circle with sharp scissors and still snag the prize.  Pimpin’ ain’t easy.  You heard it here first.

Hold up.  Where’s Rittany, Bitch?  Whaddupwiddat?  Where’d she go?

As everyone scooted home for the night, Tina Carrington and Kayla had a quick heart to heart next to the car about why Kayla’s Daddy hardly ever goes to any of the competitions.  Terrell (…yup, real name…) loves and supports his daughter 400%, but he doesn’t really get into the whole Dance Thang like the other Daddies do.

It was kinda sad to see Kayla’s face get all pouty, but after remembering what happened the last time Seloncé told Tina to ‘Check Yo’ Man’ I decided that it would probably be in everyone’s best interest to not offer up any opinions or suggestions at this time.

kk

Daddy loves her.  That’s the most important part.  We’ll work on the rest later, mmmkay?

As a special congratulatory treat for making it into the front row, Seloncé took Sunjai to the day spa for some Mother/Daughter pedi action.  Gotta smooth those things down before you cram ’em into the Louboutins.  E’rrybody knows dat.

Aside from a few meltdowns in the Dollhouse and cheering on the Team in various gymnasiums, this was pretty much the first time that the world had gotten a good look at Seloncé’s hair under fluorescent lighting.

Let’s be honest.  As I’ve noted previously…as little as I know about the elite world of hip hop majorettes, I know even less about how a sistah does her hair.  I don’t know how you get it to look like that.  I don’t know if it started out that way.  I don’t even know what part she bought and what part God gave her.  All I know is that Seloncé is a riot and she was working those nerd glasses like that waitress at Lisa Vanderpump‘s Sur restaurant.

Somewhere between the initial soaking of the toes and the second coat of polish we learned that Seloncé had given birth to her first child when she was only 14 years old, which was pretty much the exact opposite of what I was doing when I was 14 years old.

It only takes one time, kids.  One time.  She was clear on that point.  Just like it only took one time for the gamma radiation to turn Bruce Banner into the Incredible Hulk.

Which basically just showed you where my priorities were while Seloncé was busy popping out babies in junior high.  Trust me.  Maturity is overrated.

With only one night to go before the competition, Dianna and the girls were also busy popping out some new things for the Stand Battle.  I don’t know which I like best.  The actual moves.  Or the backstory that Miss D always throws into the mix.

Why you running yo’ mouth?  Pop Pop Your Butt.  Hip Hop Robot.

Then it was time to head home and hit the sack so everyone could rest up and be extra Fierce for the Big Game.  Before the girls headed to Memphis, though, Tina and Kayla wanted to give it one last shot with Terrell.

k

Dat’s rite.  Over at Kasa Kayla we finally met Daddy Terrell.

Side note:  I don’t know if Tina matches all her home furnishings to her hair or her hair to all her home furnishings.  Not a clue.  Doesn’t even matter.  All that matters is that it happened and it was awesome.

Everything matched.  Perfectly.  You could literally drop one of her hot a** weaves on the couch and be sitting on it for days and never know.  I’ll bet you anything that more than once my girl has left the house with a red pillow on her head.

Love.  Dot Com.

Unfortunately, Terrell had to work and couldn’t go to Memphis.  Maybe the next one.

Finally, it was Showtime!

And Quincy from the Prancing Tigerettes time!  And Neva from the Divas of Olive Branch time!  Who I swear both sleep with their hands-free ear plugs in their heads.

JJ was there, too.  And Calvin.  Mimi’s husband and Camryn‘s Daddy.  There were literally Baby Daddies coming out of the woodwork this week.  It made the girls all really happy, but made Kayla a little bummed.  Next time, baby doll.

And then Seloncé showed up with a giant bag full of stilettos in support of Sunjai’s role in the MJ routine.  Because apparently handing out buttons with your kid’s face on it is soooo last year.  Now it’s all about the footwear, I guess.

I wasn’t really clear on whether we were supposed to wear the shoes, wave them in the air or just throw them directly at the Prancing Tigerettes eyes when they came around the corner.  Mimi’s funny faces totally distracted me from hearing any of the rules.

But regardless,  it was a true Oprah Moment.

You get a pair of shoes!  You get a pair of shoes!  Everyone gets a pair of shoes!

ss

After a last minute pre-show costume panic, the Dolls hit the floor and it was so good it was redoink.  Every piece of the Michael Jackson routine was mad dope insane.

Sunjai did moves on heels that defied gravity.  I don’t want to see the x-rays on those ankles.  Yeeouch.  She was on fiyah.

The fight scene at the end was like a school yard youtube brawl, except that everyone was dancing instead of dragging chicks around the playground by their hair.  Even the Memphis crowd stood up and screamed and clapped for about ten minutes before they realized they were cheering on the wrong team.

The Stand Battle between the Dolls and the Tigerettes looked like a clear win for Dianna until the last judge couldn’t make up his mind and called for one last Death Match battle between Captains and Co-Captains.

Dianna was all like WTF? and Kayla was all like Let’s Just Do This And Win and one Tigerette Captain was all like Lemme Just Do My Own Dance Over Here Don’t Mind Me.

Not sure what that was all about.  But the Dolls won it all in the end.  MJ and the Stand.

In yo’ face.

And can we talk about how crazy Tina gets during these routines?  Lawd.  Drop an electric toaster into the tub while someone is taking a bubble bath.  That’s how they would act.

In.  Sane.  Dot Com.

All the Baby Daddies were so proud.  All the Daddy Babies were so proud.  Except Kayla, who seemed a little sad and made me want to friend her on Facebook or something.  I hope Terrell gets someone to cover his shift next time so he can be there to show Kayla how much he loves her.

And then it was over for another week.  The Dolls wiped the floor with the competition.

Again.

Time to hit the road.

JJ.  Seloncé.  Dance us out, will ya?

DD4L.

tumblr_n31xevg1Bp1qiohboo2_400


%d bloggers like this: