Dance Moms: Family Comes First. But Winning Is Certainly A Close Second When It Comes To Cheers And Tears.

April 2nd, 2014

n

 

 

You got about two seconds to get that hand off m’weave before the s*** starts getting real in here.

 

 

mz

 

 

If she don’t put me in that video I swear I’ll snap the heads off all her Barbies when I get home.

 

 

mz2

 

 

Mack Baby Z is in the hizzle, yo. It’s gonna be dope. And I have no idea what I’m talking about. 

 

m

 

 

 

Put on your biggest Kardashian hair and pucker up those Instagram lips. It’s time for a Girl Party!

 

 

h4

 

Not trying to throw my education in yo’ face, but it doesn’t take a damn PhD to count six costumes.

kc

 

 

 

 

 

I know you see me back here watching you. I’m watching you so hard, Gurl.

c

 

 

 

 

 

 

The hellz this s***?

 

 

 

Grab your Capezio bag and a box of Kleenex, kids.

It’s time to dance your face off.  And cry your eyes out.

Dance Moms was a downer this week.  A big ol’ downer.

No other way to describe it, as the show dealt with family responsibility, growing old, illness and the impending passing of Abby‘s Mom Maryen Lorrain Miller .

Basically all the grown up stuff that I try to avoid at all costs.  If you’ve been hanging around here for any time at all then you already know that I’ll do anything to avoid having an adult conversation.  And this week was no different.  But if we all stick together, support each other and make fun of a few people, I know we can get through this.

There was definitely more crying and less screaming this week as everyone tried to come to terms with the inevitable.  A lot of crying, actually.  Little kids crying.  Big kids crying.  Moms crying.  Even some group crying thrown in there to make sure we all went to bed in a really bad mood on a school night.

Grab Your Kleenex Moments, as they say.

If that’s not your thing, I’ll do my best to warn you ahead of time if anything mopey is about to go down.  That way you can either skim over it like nothing bad ever happens in real life, or save it for when you’re all alone and nobody can see you ugly cry.

Coming off twelve straight wins in a row, the ALDC Team was already sniffing out #13.  A dozen wins later and they still hadn’t run out of steam.  Just rhymes.

Gone were the ‘Eleven is Heaven’ and ‘Twelve on the Shelve(s)’ chants.  Now it was just Lucky Thirteen, like they weren’t even trying to be clever anymore.  Just win the damn thing, already.  We’re dancers, not poets.

As everyone scooted in for the Pyramid of Shame, it was clear that Abby was going to be an emotionally overbooked hot mess this week.

Not only was her Mom sick, but she was also dealing with the upcoming auditions for Mackenzie‘s Girl Party music video and a studio floor that was completely cluttered with gigantic rolls of seamless green paper and camera equipment, thanks to an in-progress photo shoot for MackZ’s new gangster rap CD and puffy paint sticker collection.

mz3

Not to mention another competition.

You don’t just get handed the Lucky Thirteen.  Der.

Needless to say, you could already tell what tracks this runaway train was headed down as everyone rolled into the building.

Bottom row of the Pyramid was everyone except Kalani.  Boom.  Done.

Every girl had done exactly what they were supposed to do in last week’s group competition, even when they couldn’t hear the music from the stage, so Abby just lined ’em all up and kept it moving.  Kalani had snagged the top overall score in Ohio, so she was the week’s top dancer.

Rules are still rules even when you change the shape of the Pyramid.

Sidenote:  The OCD part of me can’t stand how some of the girls head shots are real head shots, while some of them are half body shots.  Consistency, people.  Drives me nuts.

First Grab Your Kleenex Moment:  I think Melissa cut her own bangs.  That wasn’t the saddest part, but I did get a little emotional during her solo confessional spot.

The sad part was actually when Abby gave an update on her Mom’s condition.  Melissa talked about Maryen and how much she meant to everyone at the ALDC.

Abby cried.  The kids cried.  Melissa bawled.  And then Abby motioned for one girl at a time to come forward for a hug.  Just one.  Like when the Pope pulls you from the crowd on Easter Sunday.  No disrespect to the Pope or to the Abby.  I just get uncomfortable when things get too sad and make Pope jokes.

This week, after months of threats and open casting call auditions,  Abby would finally be deciding on her new team.  A second ALDC Elite Team to send into battle and hog even more trophies from the folks over at Candy Apples.

Who would be on the new team?  Who knows.  Would the old team still be intact?  Who knows.  But all would be revealed as soon as the final round of cuts took place in Pittsburgh.  So stay tuned.

a1

Kendall and Nia both scored solos this week.  Chloe and Kalani were handed a duet.  And the whole team (…Spoiler Alert:  Or not…) would be dancing in a Bollywood & Vine group number.

GYKM:  After a few more hugs and tears (…Melissa was taking this harder than Abby was…) everyone got to rehearsing while the Moms hit the Perch for some dead silence and sad faces.  This whole cloud of depression was really bringing down their mojo.

I felt especially bad for Kira, who was so new that she didn’t even know what to do with herself while the Original Recipe Moms reminisced about all their years at the ALDC.  She looked at her nails a lot this week.  I did notice that.

MoleGate.  And that’s the last time I’m saying it.  Don’t ask me again.

Nia and Kendall’s rehearsals were a little wobbly right out of the gate, but I had complete faith in both of them.  Despite it being the Official Year of the Nia, my girl hasn’t had much luck with her solos this season, so it was really important that she nail her shoo bop a doo bop this week.   And Kendall just needed to make it through one entire episode without crying.  Which is totally doable, because she’s got the right stuff.

Jill Vertes Fashion Watch:  Pretty low key this week.  Hair looked good.  Nothing too outrageous going on in the wardrobe department.  But don’t get too comfortable.  I’ll bet you anything that she’s just laying low for a week or two before springing some signature crazy a** ostrich fur on us when our guard is down.  Like she’s waiting in the fashion jungle for the perfect moment to shoot us in the neck with a dart when we’re not looking.

Love.  Her.

Then it was time for some Mack Diddy Fo Shizzy Zig Ziggly in da house, yo.

Apparently Abby is the brains behind this whole Mackenzie music video concept that came out of nowhere a few weeks ago, because after shlepping MackZ to the recording studio to lay down some riffs, she was now running an audition for backup dancers.

Q.  Do you like eating sugar straight out of the bag, kissing Cody Simpson posters and jumping up and down on Austin Mahone bedsheets during a sleepover?

A.  Yes?  Then do I have the audition for you, Miss Thang!  Sign at the glitter ‘X,’ please.

md

Sitting behind one of those tables that block every grocery store exit during Girl Scout Cookie month, Abby and MackYoWhack put every girl who couldn’t get a ticket to the Kids’ Choice Awards through some backflips and age appropriate booty pops before deciding on a team of dancers.  Chloe was cut.  I think it was her height, because otherwise she werked it just fine.  They played some mind games on Maddie before allowing her to participate and then finished up by adding a few random girls into the mix.

I’m thinking that Brooke Hyland is probably throwing herself off the roof of that Big Apple Tour bus right about now if she witnessed all the attention that Abby smothered over Mackenzie this week.  I’m pretty sure I don’t recall this much TLC when Brooke wanted to break onto the iTunes charts.  Wasn’t Brooke’s entire video shot with last year’s iPhone?

And you know Abby bought the bus tickets during a Groupon promo.

I do miss all that Hyland Hilarity.

Then it was back to the group dance.  And more problems in the costume department.

Turns out that Abby was short one costume for the Bollywood routine.  Five instead of Six.  Which I didn’t understand at all, considering that there were only six kids in the whole ALDC team.  The same six kids from last week when you had the same costume drama.

How hard can all this be to remember?

Due to the shortage,  she ran everyone through the rehearsal one more time and then cut Nia.  OhNoSheDin’t.

Holly was all like OhHellNo and I was all like YeahWhatSheSaid and then I realized that I forgot to put the link to Dr. Beyoncé’s new book in the recap last week.  And if you don’t buy the book, then they won’t make the movie.  And I’ve already picked out what I’m going to wear during my walk-on cameo…so let’s go, people.  Chop Chop.

But what I really don’t get with the whole CostumeGate thing (…let’s see how long I can milk this trend before I lose readers…) is how Abby can order a complete size range of outfits but then randomly cut a dancer.  I mean, what is she had cut Mackenzie instead?

Would Nia end up on stage wearing a costume made for a tiny 9 year old girl?  How does she keep messing up the counts?  And while she’s online, why doesn’t she just order a damn calculator from Staples?  Geez, Louise.

jv

GYKM:  This one was too sad to even make jokes about.  I already crossed the line last time when I picked on that stuffed dog, so I’ll just take a pass on Melissa’s visit to the Sterling House if that’s ok.  It was heartbreaking to see Abby and Melissa crying in the hallway after catching a glimpse of the dark room where Maryen was spending her last days.  Nobody wants to see anyone suffer.

Back at the ALDC, Gianna was large and in charge this week, getting the girls ready for their Dance USA competition in Ohio.  The only thing larger was a gigantic Pinterest board that had mysteriously shown up in the middle of the studio.  If Pinterest had a Messed Up Mind Game category, that is.

The board was tacked full of the old Team’s photos across the bottom and a bunch of new faces all slapped haphazardly across the top.  Subliminal much?

Needless to say, the Moms were not big fans of Abby psyching out her Dream Team from the other side of town.  Even the girls were all like WTF? as they rushed the board the same way everyone on Glee used run to the wall when the leads in the Spring musical were announced.

MackZ sez that shiz is whacked fo’ shizzle.  Let’s just have a Girl Party instead!

Finally, it was Showtime!

GYKM:  The bus ride to Ohio when the girls each took a second to remember their favorite Maryen Moment.  Ruined only by Abby on the other end of Gia’s phone making it clear that she didn’t need the girl’s love….she need their win.  So there’s that, I guess.

The duet was like looking in a mirror.  OMG.  Chloe and Kalani were totes twinsies.  

Kendall’s solo was on point.  I’m pretty sure that she was wearing Mom’s pleather pants.

Nia gave Face for days when she hit the stage.  We don’t need no stinkin’ group number, mmmkay?  I’m thinking that Sasha Nia is back, bitches.

GYKM:  Holly’s backstage prayer circle.

k

As everyone scrambled to drop their buns lower (…a joke right now would be way too easy even for me…) it was clear that Nia not only gets all her sass from her Mama but all her faces, as well.

Clearly, she was not happy that she couldn’t be in the group routine and some of Nia’s soon-to-be patented FrazierSideEyes gave me life.  I’m totally stealing that one look she gave Kalani and Chloe the next time I’m stuck in a long line at the DMV.

Scroll up and enjoy it one more time, if you’d like.  I’ll wait.

The group dance brought the house down.  And it looked pretty legit, even though the only frame of reference I really have is that first year they did Bollywood on So You Think You Can Dance and the Pussycat Dolls‘ Slumdog video.

I’m also going to assume that the night before competition the Moms all went out for shots and got henna tattoos, because that totally happened.  I think all that intricate body art is really cool until it starts wearing off and then you end up just looking like you forgot to wear gloves when you refinished your dining room chairs over the weekend.  They need to figure out a better way for it to fade out.  Just saying.

Speaking of the Pussycat Dolls.  The Moms all busted out some redoinkulous MomDancing prior to the Awards ceremony.  Please let their be a blooper reel when the Season 4 DVD comes out.  I don’t ask for much anymore.

Results?  Nia took Third.  Kendall took Second.  The duet pulled First Place.  And the group routine gave them all the Lucky Thirteen they had been dreaming about all week.

Even with all the tears, it was a big success.

And over.

Time to gather all those wads of kleenex up off the floor and call it a night.  Don’t worry…next week doesn’t look nearly as gloomy.  So pull it together.

The preview even showed some screaming, a couple of swear words and MackJackKnife cutting a bitch during the taping of her sleepover video.  I think we’re back in business next time.

So now it’s just the final GYKM of the week:  Saying goodbye to all of you.

Kisses.

n2

Bring It!: The Baby Dolls And Daddy JJ Show Everyone How It’s Done When The Tigerettes Return For Round 2.

March 29th, 2014

bdd

 

 

What What? You see what time it is? It’s called Nap Time. So where’s my damn juice box, woman?

 

 

ss

 

 

You can cry all you want, but we’re still listening to Beyoncé again cuz she’s the freakin’ Queen Bey.

 

 

jj

 

 

And dat’s why a Daddy’s gotta do what a Daddy’s gotta do. Because Mama is Kray-Zee.

 

 

r

 

 

Not gon’ lie. I could nibble off a little piece of that JJ right now and still have room for dessert.

 

 

jj1

 

 

 

 

Buck, yeah, Gurl.

 

t

 

 

 

 

Bitch, do I look like a nibbler? I want the whole burger with a big side of JJ fries. Dang, he is so fine.

 

b6

 

 

 

The hellz that on her head? I don’t even have that color in my Crayola 64 box.

 

 

 

The wait is over.  

DD4L is finally available in Toddler sizes.

But no need to run all over town looking for the perfect fit, because Bring It! was back this week with the full size range of Dancing Dolls.  Everything from Babies to Big Gurlz.

And trust me…”Baby” don’t mean Baby, if you know what I mean.

It means Cute.  Freaking cute.  Straight up Slap yo’ Mama Cute.  With attitude.

Surprise.  Turns out that Dianna Williams has been down at the Dollhouse coaching not one…but two…hip hop majorette teams all this time.  Who knew?

The Dancing Dolls and The Baby Dancing Dolls.  DDs and BDDs.

Not to be confused with the DDPs, the DD4L cheer or the (…Spoiler Alert: JJ…) soon to be announced DDDs.  Would have been nice if Lifetime had told us in advance that we needed to purchase Flash Gordon decoder rings in order to play along.

After posting losses two weeks in a row, Miss D and the Teams were hunkered down inside the Funk Fort prepping for a battle on their home turf.

This week it was The River City Rumble, where they would once again be going up against their arch enemies the Prancing Tigerettes.  And losing was not an option.

Which meant that it was time to pull out all the stops and unveil the Secret Weapon.

Activate The Baby Doll Brigade.

Never before in the entire history of the entire World had a Baby Team ever gone up against a Big Girl Team in competition.  But Dianna needed her own Big Girls to focus all their energies on choreographing some fresh new Tigerette bitch slaps, so to alleviate the pressure she was sending the Tiny Tots into battle.  They would be scooting out onto the floor for the Field Show and going head to head against teams twice their age.

b

And twice their size.  But don’t you worry ’bout them, mmmkay?  They got dis.

These Baby Dolls were complete cutie patootie niblets.  Every stinkin’ one of them.

Especially this one little nugget who was all poofy hair and OhHellNo as she watched the Big Dolls bust out a few 8 counts.  And this other mini squirt who I swear was still in a onesie, who had those dangly beaded hair braid things that probably click against the side of her car seat every time Mama hits that speed bump in front of Target.

When she fell backwards watching the Big Dolls, I just ’bout joined her on the floor.

They were all cute.  And sassy.  So sassy.  Baby don’t got Back yet, but Baby got baby teeth and dance moves for days, which they proved when they took over the floor and showed the Big Girls how it’s done on the playground.

After twerkin’ out to some Yo Gabba Gabba, the Baby Dolls got sleepy and were sent home.  I would have needed a binky after all that bucking, too.

Once the Baby Dolls were home chilling with their sippy cups, the Big Dolls got to sitting and talking about last week’s loss and what needed to be done to guarantee they brought home First Place this time around.  Just the usual Monday Morning quarterbacking until one girl casually mentioned that maybe the team could have done better at the Stand Battle.  Which meant that she just kinda sorta dissed Kayla‘s lead as Captain during the aforementioned Stand Battle.

Which meant that she just kinda sorta dissed Kayla.  OhNoSheDin’t.

Ooooh, girl.  You better stand up.  And then just have a seat, please.  Bloop.

You thought that was cold?  Try outside on the sidewalk, where all the Moms were literally chilling in their winter beanies, trying to sneak a peek through the windows.

mom

I’m no meteorologist, but they must have had a major storm front move in overnight, because they weren’t all bundled up like that last week.  Not even close.  But now they were all wrapped up like some kind of Gap Holiday commercial blooper reel, bumping into each other and getting loud in their knit gloves and ski caps.

Hilariously crazy as always.  Now also comfortably protected against the elements.

Except for maybe Seloncé and It’s Rittany Bitch, who were both wearing those pleather jackets that always seem to be in the window at Rainbow.  Those didn’t look very warm.

I would imagine that constantly picking on each other every waking moment must raise their body temperatures a few notches, though, so they were probably ok.

For the fourth week in a row, the award for Wearing A Wig Bright Enough To Flag Down Rescue Helicopters If You Ever Get Shipwrecked On A Deserted Island went to my girl Tina.  She can do no wrong.  End of story.

Neighborhood Look-Out Mimi was exceptionally well padded in her winter gear as well.  I wasn’t sure if that was done to keep her toasty or as protection for that inevitable day when someone finally knocks her down on the pavement as payback for all the years that she has spent stirring things up at the Dollhouse.

She tight wid Miss D.  She tight.

If I didn’t love her already I would now, just because of all those crazy Warner Brothers cartoon faces she makes during her interview shots.

Back inside, Dianna was running the girls through some new moves.  And there’s really nothing better than Miss D cracking necks during a Tigerette Mime and showing all us living room dancers how to snap it high, pop it low, come at me bro and then walk away all MmmHmmIJustToldYouBitchInTheMiddleOfMyLivingRoomInMyBoxerShorts.

My neighbors below me must wonder what all the racket is upstairs and why they keep hearing somebody bumping into furniture every Wednesday night.

MmmHmmIJustToldYouCoffeeTable.  That’s gonna leave a mark.  Bitch.

m4

The next day it was down to the wire as Miss D worked it out with the Baby Dolls one last time.  I just can’t with all the cuteness.

Not to mention the bedtime story that went along with their song.

What time is it?  Where you been?  I been waiting on you.  Dat’s rite.  Pee Wee Pop Pop.

I think it’s pretty safe to say that when these little peanuts grow up, their men will never be showing up late for dinner.  Hell Naw.

Then they got sleepy again and had to go home for the night.

It gave me a warm fuzzy when Dianna reminded them all to put on their shoes and jackets before leaving, because it proved once again how much Miss D loves these kids.  It also proved she’s smart enough to know that a 6 year old will run outside and face plant directly into a snowbank in their underoos unless you remind them that their ski pants are hanging right in front of their face.

As the evening wound down, it was time for cuts.  And it wasn’t pretty.  Inside or Out.

Inside, Sunjai got cut from the Stand Battle after forgetting the choreography.  And not just a move or two.  But the entire thing.  At which point she should have just faked something out and kept grooving, but instead chose to freeze in place like someone had just called her name out on Toddlers & Tiaras.

And I was really rooting for her, too.  I’m a softie for the underdogs.

Outside, Mama handled it worse than her daughter did and before you knew it, Seloncé took her short fuse, knit gloves and all that pleather right inside the building.

Seloncé flipped a switch or two.  Sunjai cried.  Dianna tried to run a routine with one hand and push a crazy lady out the door with the other.  Seloncé kept flailing her big knit hands around so much that it reminded me of that first Mickey Mouse cartoon where all he did was whistle and do jazz hands.

sl

Sunjai cried some more and then ran into the car to escape.  Dianna finally got Seloncé out the door and made a mental note to call someone to change the locks in the morning.

By the time Seloncé got in the car, Sunjai was breathing into a paper bag she was crying so hard.  It made me sad.

Sunjai blamed her Mama for all the drama and unnecessary pressure.  Mama imagined Sunjai growing up to be a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader.  Sunjai cried even harder when she heard that and then I started breathing into a paper bag just to be safe.  Seloncé suddenly remembered that she already had her own Naughty Big Girl Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader costume at home for some reason and then the last thing I remember was both my shin and my head hitting the coffee table at the same time.

When I came to, it was finally Showtime!  And JJ time!

Sunjai’s E’rry Day I’m Shufflin’ Daddy JJ showed up at the competition with his daughter.  Because a Daddy’s gotta do what a Daddy gotta do, yo.

Dianna had banned Seloncé from the show this weekend after she lost her nutty back at the Dollhouse, so JJ and his swag swooped in to save the day.

Dude is 200% playa.  But the good kind.  He wants the best for his baby.  He knows his ex-wife is a little quirky.  And he can dance like Bill Cosby used to do in the opening credits of his show.  Maybe even better, because Cliff Huxtable never wore low riders.

So he’s got my vote for Daddy of the Year, even though at one point I think he did say that he wants to see Sunjai ‘Prospect and Blossom.’

My boy Quincy was also back again coaching the Tigerettes.  After you’ve seen him dressed like Pee Wee Herman all his other outfits pale in comparison, so I forget what he was wearing below the neck.  I do wonder how many hats he owns.

jjs

Newsflash: The ladies looooove their JJ.

Don’t tell the Teams, but I’m pretty sure the loudest cheering was actually for JJ when he did his patented Sanford and Son arrival into the stands.  Lamont, you Big Dummy.

And the DDP ladies really love JJ, because they were practically giddy when he shimmied his butt down onto the bleachers.  Tina even used the big rollers to curl up her Farrah Fawcett meets Lucy Ricardo wig. Girlfriend must’ve known company was coming.

The show was amazeballs, as always.  Both shows…on the floor and in the stands.

I’m not even sure which one I liked better.

The crowd was cray.  Cray to the umpteenth power of Cray.

The Baby Dolls piled on about 7 inches of cheerleading hair and wrecked the place.  They looked like sparkly versions of those 1970’s dolls that magically grew hair when you pushed on their belly buttons.  Werk that First Place trophy!

Not to be outdone, the Big Dolls also showed up to win.  Let’s just say that when they started cracking Tigerette necks, the competition didn’t stand a chance.  

Thanks for playing, girls.  If you leave now, you’ll beat traffic.

Game Over.  Kayla was back.  The Dolls were back.

And the First Place trophy was back on the DD shelf where it belongs.

You might wanna check your watch now.

Because that’s what time it is, mmmkay?

Any questions?

Pop.

b5

Dance Moms: Fix Your Feet And Cover Your Ears. It’s Nothing But Trash Talk And Decisions…!@#$%* Decisions.

March 26th, 2014

g

 

 

Yo. Hold up. What’d that little bitch in the beanie just call me?

 

 

mz

 

 

 

Between you and me, I think they’re all !@#$%* stupid for showing up every week to get their a** whooped.

 

h

 

 

Really don’t like that language. Especially when I just spent three !@#$%* hours flat ironing my hair and nobody noticed.

 

cn

 

 

 

Swearing like that just shows everyone you have no class. Hit ’em with your purse and be a lady.

 

h1

 

 

 

Cuz I mean…c’mon. Are you looking at this hair? That’s right I got it going on today, bitches.

 

 

k

 

 

 

Ok. Fine. It’s gone. Now can we all stop talking about it and watch my damn kid do her spins?

 

j

 

 

 

What the hell am I supposed to do with this thing? Srsly.

 

 

 

 

Lawd.  I swear.

Well, not really.  Not a lot, anyway.

Maybe once in awhile I might cuss someone out.  Every now and then when they get in my face.  Or maybe every time I have to deal with the boobs in Comcast’s customer service department.  Then I definitely swear.  A lot.

But otherwise, I don’t swear that much.

At least not as much as some of these Dance Moms.

I swear…a few of these ladies could probably back an 18 wheeler up through the ALDC parking lot and never hit one pothole.

And speaking of.  It was potty mouths and pretty feet this week as Abby Lee Miller set out to make it an even dozen in the Win category.

You know the song by now.

Two Four Six Eight.  Nine uncork the wine.  Ten let’s drink again.

I forget what Eleven was.

But Twelve?  That would be sumthin sumthin beyond Santa’s Elve, I imagine.  So there was already pressure building as everyone scooted in for the Pyramid of Shame.

Kalani was back in the lineup.  And most of Mom Kira was back, too, if you know what I mean.  Because I know you do.

Yup.  The MoleGate scandal is officially over now, people.  Keep it moving.  Nothing to see here.  Not anymore anyway.

Super tall Payton and everyone’s favorite Walmart Mom Leslie were also still in the building, which had to be some kind of a record for the two of them, given their history.kh

Spoiler Alert:  If she was smart, Leslie kept the motor running in the getaway car this week, so it would be all warm and ready to go.  Just in case.

Before the Big Reveal, Abby made it official.  Kalani did not have to return her ALDC track jacket because she was now a permanent member of the Team.  She was the new Brooke and Paige.  Which meant that Kira was the new Kelly.

Which meant that Payton was still nothing and that Leslie could blow her first nutty of the episode.  Which she did.  And quite well, I might add.

Bottom row of the Pyramid was packed full of Kalani, Kendall, Nia and Chloe.  Kendall got called out for going through the motions at last week’s competition.  Chloe had lost out to Mackenzie, who had basically just worn one of Maddie‘s old HandMeDown costumes and danced one of Maddie’s old HandMeDown MaddieFace dances.

Abby had expected much more from Nia, given her past drag queen experience.  Which was something that I never thought I would hear spoken to a 12 year old girl from Pennsylvania, so Holly and I both made the same LaquifaWhatFace at the same time because we didn’t know what else to do.

The middle of the pile was home to Mackenzie, Maddie and Payton.  Kudos to Leslie’s kid for looking like a girl dressed as a boy dressed as a girl with Groucho Marx eyebrows.

And the top?  Aren’t we out of dancers already?

Psych.  It was Kelly Hyland and her Charlie Brown sweater, captured in extreme fuzzy closeup on that fateful afternoon when she smacked Abby’s face and ended up on TMZ.

Nothing like slamming a Mom hard when you know that she’s legally prevented from responding on Twitter, I always say.  Boom.  Take that.

This week the gang was headed to another World Class Talent Experience in Cow Country Canton, Ohio.  Which is still home to more beef jerky than you could ever eat in a lifetime and the Evil Dance Lair known as the Candy Apples.

So, yeah.  It’s on again.  And this time it’s on Cathy Nesbitt-Stein‘s home turf.

c

The group routine was going to be a snowy white Frost kind of theme, which I think meant that nobody wanted to pay the rights to use any of songs from Disney’s Frozen.  Abby was still in the HandMeDown Zone, so she wanted to reuse some old fuzzy white costumes that the Moms had taken home after the first go-round.  Why they did that when there’s a whole cluttered fire trap of a costume room somewhere in the belly of the ALDC where the Moms always end up when they want to snark on each other…I dunno.

But for whatever reason, Abby had let those off the property and now she wanted them all back.  Which meant that someone had to either break into the Hyland home while they were out filming youtube videos or the Moms had to draw straws and call Kelly for the costumes.

Yeah.  Good luck with that.

Kalani and Payton both scored solos.  And then everyone got to rehearsing.

Up in Ohio, Cathy and her crew were also hard at work preparing for the competition.

Nick Daniels had returned and both his freakishly long legs and frosted tips were all pointing straight up in the air the entire time he was on camera.  I swear his dancing is actually done by the same George Lucas CGI people who did Star Wars, because there’s no way somebody can really do that in real life with their junk.  And I’ve tried.

Those tiny Morales Salsa kids were also spinning around, as were Lady Killer Lucas Triana and Zack Attack Torres.  Everyone was already starting to stress out as Cathy reworked her own HandMeDown routine for the group number, which probably explains why Zack and Nick were being total pissy bitches to each other.

Dial it down, girls.

With only two days to go, the ALDC girls were going in a million different directions, which would explain why nobody seemed to notice that random guy in a baseball hat follow the Moms through the parking lot right up into the building.  That was kind of creepy and not explained at all, so I don’t know what was going on.  But stalkers and murderers don’t usually carry their drinks in with them, so it was probably nothing.

np

At the front desk there was more drama about the missing Frost dresses.  With 48 hours to go, Kalani and Payton were still going on stage naked unless someone came up with a plan.

Melissa thought that she could somehow telepathically will an old dress to transform itself into a new sparklier version, since in real life the woman can’t even plug in an iron.  Not waiting around for that miracle, Leslie left voicemail #79 for Kelly demanding the dresses back, which you know Kelly listened to while laying in her housedress watching Ellen.

God Bless caller ID.

Christi dropped about 20 F-Bombs and Holly wore the same big coat and head wrap that Carol Burnett wore when she did that 1920’s skit with Tim Conway.  I’m really starting to think that Dr. Beyoncé has poor Evan and William back in their old bunk beds now just so she can straight up hog that second bedroom for a walk-in closet.

Dang, girl.

Back in Ohio, all the Moms were making fun of Jill‘s 1-900 voice and watching Zack run around with one sock on his left foot.  It must be an Ohio gang thing or something, because little Gavin was doing the same thing.

I keep forgetting how ‘hood they are up in Canton.

Even when they have the sniffles.  Which Nick totally did.  Watch his nose.

While everyone checked the dryer for missing socks, things were chugging along back at the ALDC.  My MomCrush Jill was wearing one of her signature furry vests over some Wilma Flintstone couture top and Leslie was still on a rampage about something.  Kira was just rolling with the punches as Kelly kept checking caller ID.

With only one day left, nobody was in a good mood.  Nobody.

Remember those sassy pants that Holly was wearing last week?  Well, she bought them in black, too.  Girlfriend wasn’t having it anymore when Leslie started going on again about poor Payton, and she put a stop to the madness with one slam of the brakes.

h2

Shut.  It.  Down.

She even called it a Poor Payton Pity Party.  MmmHmmm?  Girl, bye.

You just get back up in your top bunk and be quiet.  Mommy’s having a day.

Then it was back to the white dress drama.  Melissa hadn’t learned how to sew overnight, but she did figure that she could probably get the cap off some Woolite and bleach out a few of the old costumes that everyone had brought into the studio.  All the Moms shlepped in with armloads of anything white that they could find at home and were determined to MacGyver something together with fur scraps, tin foil and paper clips.

Because the Show Must Go On.

Even without Payton, who…thanks once again to Leslie mouthing off…was kicked out of the group number before the bus even left for Ohio.  At least she still had her solo, right?

Finally, it was Showtime!

And some of the tackiest random makeup room fabric swagging I’ve ever seen.

Did you see that?  WTF was that all over the walls?  (Yes…it deserved more than one swear word.)  Was it covering up some kind of top secret information that should never be seen on broadcast television?  Or did somebody really think they had just created the newest trend in home decorating?  Really?

It was like when you were in college and hung marijuana tapestries and that flag from Dukes of Hazzard all over your walls.

If you went to Liberace University, that is.

Sidenote:  Can you even imagine the syllabus if that was a real college?  Fabulous 101.

Leslie had one of those last minute Toddlers & Tiaras Moments when you find out that your kid’s cupcake dress doesn’t fit right as they’re calling her name to the stage.  Who does that?  And why do they keep doing it?

l

Payton’s costume didn’t fit and they didn’t bring another one.  It escalated quickly and before you knew it Leslie dropped an F-Bomb that would make even Christi blush right before the whole world found out that Payton already needs an upgrade to a larger size.

Buh Bye, Leslie.  Thanks for playing.  The new rules clearly state that any Mom who drops the F-Bomb gets kicked out.

There’s also probably something in there about not wearing a blouse that’s going to gap and pop open so wide that we can see your bra if you’re planning on losing your mind.

Because that totally happened and now I’m not sure I can forgive you.  Ever.

So go.  You can wait in the bus.

And if it gets cold, maybe you could borrow the Candy Apples track jacket that Cathy gave to the judge as a bribe.  Because that also totally happened and I’m willing to bet he wears it proudly every Thursday when he goes bowling.

If Liberace University has a Faculty Bowling League, that is.

Nick’s solo was all legs and Slinky arms.  No shirt, though.  That must be another Skinny Boy Dancer Gang thang, yo.

Kalani rocked her Asia Monet Ray bun and showed that she could handle the pressure on her first ALDC solo.  Bring it.

Backstage in the CADC makeup room, the kids were all checking their iPhones and discussing some of the Anti-Abby #Hashtag names they had seen on posters when things got way outta control.

Waaaay.

Lucas and his red beanie (…allegedly…) called Gavin !@#$%* Stupid (…that’s even how they subtitled it, missing one letter if you want to get overly technical…) when he tried to join the conversation.  Gavin’s Mom Joanne flipped a switch.  Lucas denied swearing even though his mouth moved and whatever he was doing with his tongue was deemed gross enough to need pixelation by the Lifetime people.

z

Joanne screamed.  Gavin cried.  Brigette refused to let go of her new Revlon lipstick, but still managed to hurl herself into the heat of the battle like a Mama Bear.

Then Lucas cried.  Like they do on soap operas when they go from 0 to 60 in a split second.  Mom got protective but still refused to put down that lipstick.  It’s like it was the source of all her superpowers or something.

Joanne yanked both kids out the door, quit the CADC and then got talked back into staying by Cathy.  Brigette applied a second coat of Super Lustrous Cherry Blossom and my boy Lucas had some ‘splaining to do when this episode aired in his house.

I believe the whole thing only lasted about 30 seconds, but I’m still traumatized.

Eventually, the Candy Apples managed to zip their potty mouths long enough to hit the stage for the group dance, which was a-mazing.  Legs and mo’ legs.  And some crazy a** spins that totally deserved a swear word.  Nick (…of course…) ended the number with the Mother of All One Leg In The Air Lifts and now I can no longer go upstairs without having flashbacks.   I don’t care what anyone says.  That has got to hurt.

And then finally, it was time for the ALDC group routine.

The hometown crowd was making so much noise that the girls couldn’t hear the music and missed the first turn bop a loo bop.  Maddie freaked out because it wasn’t perfect.  Kalanie gave her second dose of Asia Monet Ray Realness and was all like If You Can’t Make It Fake It.  We were fabulous, mmmkay?  Snap Snap.  And then she walked off like she was leaving the Wendy Williams Show.

We like her.  She’s almost sassy.

Then they did some awards.  Google it if you’re really that into the scores.  You’re really on the wrong website if that’s your thing.

All that really mattered was the ALDC made it Twelve on the Shelve(s) and won First Place.  Guess that means it’s time to come up with something that rhymes with Thirteen.

Gah.  I swear this show is a lot of work sometimes.

What do you think, Lucas?

How’d you like the recap?

l1


%d bloggers like this: