Posts Tagged ‘Abby Lee Dance Company’

Dance Moms: When The ALDC Gets Thrown To The Hungry Wolves, Let The Potato Chips Fall Where They May.

Wednesday, January 13th, 2016

mz

 

 

We all want to be at the top of the Food Pyramid cuz that’s where they put the chips. Figure it out.

 

judge

 

 

Hi. Yeah. The dance was cute. I was just wondering why you still wear pigtails. Aren’t you like 27?

 

 

tumblr_nla056NK8Z1unc2rwo1_500

 

 

She doesn’t wanna mess with me right now. I know way too much. I know so much stuff…

 

 

wtf

 

 

I dunno. I have a PhD for cryin’ out loud. I just show up cuz craft services always has chips.

 

giphy-3

 

 

Nom. Nom. Nom. Dance Moms Is On. Nom. Nom. Nom. Dance Moms Is On. Nom. Nom. Nom.

 

 

bbq

 

 

OMG. I can’t. These BBQ chips are so hot. It’s like they’re literally burning my eyes right now.

 

 

a1

 

 

That smart a** kid might be right about these chips, cuz I’m eating like I just got out of prison.

 

 

 

Srsly.

Was it just me, or did anyone else get the Dance Moms munchies this week?

Not sure why, but something made me hungry.  Like a wolf, almost.  I couldn’t stop eating for the whole hour.  I think I went through two bags of potato chips.

I couldn’t tell if it was emotional eating, or stress induced, or what.  Probably both.

I mean, this is Dance Moms, right?  Whatever it was, I’m not proud.

Don’t get me wrong.  I’d totally do it again.  But I’m not proud.

635827983750906392-241400791_potato chipIt was Week #2 of the new competition season down at the ALDCLA, and as everyone arrived for the Pyramid of Shame: West Coast Version, it was clear that the three hour time change was once again having an effect on Abby Lee Miller‘s behavior.

Something about California really messes with her equilibrium, I swear.

It was also Week #2 of the Abby-imposed moratorium against ALL other outside activities for the girls.  Because Dance was the focus now.  Dance was the priority now.

Except for Maddie, that is, who was MIA somewhere doing a movie.  And Abby herself, of course, who was MIA somewhere being certifiably crazy.

Hey, kids.  Can you say ‘Double Standards?’  Because Holly certainly could.

And then Holly made this #HollyFace…

h

…and then this one…

h3…and then broke her own record for how many #HollyFaces she could make before the first commercial.  We heart Holly so hard sometimes.

Eventually, Abby rolled in with no eyebrows (…and hair that on the Miller BackComb And Tease Scale of 1-100 barely moved the needle to a shaky 4…) and began searching frantically for something to rat up the top of her ‘do so we could all finally get going.

Side note:  Abby has a makeup artist that follows her around the studio all day.

a

F’realz.  And her name is Diana.  Just like Wonder Woman.  And she has Pebbles Flintstone hair and a blood pressure reading that is probably off the charts.

And she doesn’t get paid enough.  Trust me.  Granted, I’ve never actually seen her paystub, but I can pretty much guarantee you that she doesn’t get paid enough.

Here’s Diana changing outfits for the Nickelodeon Awards last year:

tumblr_n9k26fM59j1s2wio8o1_500As soon as my MomCrush Jill saw Abby drawing in her own eyebrows with Diana’s waterproof Sharpie, she knew there was going to be some kind of a problem this week.

tumblr_n0r2el5kSW1r1rmzqo2_500Red Flag, people.  Red Flag.

Remember last year when Abby started unraveling and dumped her entire purse out on the floor looking for I forget what?  And she found a cookie instead?

anigif_enhanced-3488-1428823212-14Spoiler Alert:  You see where this mess is all headed.

Let’s try and keep focus for a second, tho.

Bottom of the Pyramid:  MIA Maddie, KalaniKendall and Mackenzie.  Mezzanine Level:  Nia and JoJo and JoJo’s Hamster Ball Dance from last week.

And on Top: Maddie Stand-In/Guest Dancer Brynn!

Fashion Notes:  The kids looked great in their new Black & White gear.

Not so matchy-matchy for a change, which was nice.  Most of the Moms even decided to go along with this week’s Pantone theme.  I think Brynn’s Mom Ashlee may have overslept on the day they filmed her interview confessional, because one shot looked like she was still wearing a black lace nightie.

Or maybe not.  Regardless, we really enjoy the new Mom, even though she definitely likes to make sure all her girls get some air-time…if you know what I mean.

ashThis week the gang was headed to another one of those New York Dance Experience competitions where you get live critiques on stage while you’re still standing there trying to catch your breath.

Solos:  Kendall would perform a routine titled “The Meltdown” since last week’s interaction with her Mom was still so fresh in her head.

Just.  Stop.  Talking.  Mom.  Gawd.

Mackenzie was going to revive her famous Season One moment  “All I Want To Do Is Sit On The Couch And Eat Chips” from 5 years ago, even though Abby totally got the quote wrong from the get-go.  Google before Choreo.  Always.

Remember that youtube clip?

When Mackenzie was only 6 years old and was missing half her teeth and preferred a bag o’ Lay’s over accepting any and all lead roles on Broadway?

acve#Full Disclosure:  That’s not actually the video.  That’s me last night watching this show.

Sometimes I think I may be a little too invested in their lives.  But I digress.

The third solo was going to Nia and would be based on Taraji P. Henson‘s sassy character Cookie on the hit musical drama Empire.

One.  Shout out to Taraji for bringing home the Golden Globe this week!

Two.  We’re almost half way through already and this recap is just now starting to make any sense?  Time Management’s not really my thang, yo.  I like pretty pictures.

Side note:  Melissa was being all feisty this week and not taking any crap from Abby.

Sup widdat?

melThe group routine “Hungry Like The Wolves” was Abby’s way of telling the girls that they needed to remain hungry…umm…like wolves.

Q.  Do I really need to keep breaking down all the subtle nuances of this show for you every week?  Haven’t you been around long enough by now to figure this stuff out on your own so I can get to bed earlier on Tuesday nights?  Seriously.

Melissa said that Mackenzie’s potato chip quote was so famous that people had even made shirts about it and sold them on eBay, which was news to me.  But I believe her.

I personally have at least three Pittsburgh Dance Moms logo tees that are stained with grease because I have a bad habit of wiping my hands on my clothing instead of getting my lazy a** off the couch and grabbing a napkin.

Look at this crew eating potato chips.  Even gophers have better manners.

giphy-5 And speaking of a**.

We’re jumping ahead a little bit, but Abby called Mackenzie a smart a**.

I know right?  To her face.  With the kids in the car!

All because she didn’t like the answer little MackZ gave her when asked about this week’s solo.  Get the quote right first and then maybe we can have a pop quiz, lady.

Lemme tell you, Melissa was not having it and charged right into the studio for an emotional YouSaid SheSaid MaddieWoulda MackenzieCoulda screaming match which resulted in Melissa storming back to the bleachers warning all of America that Abby shouldn’t mess with her because she knew so much shizz about Abby’s…I dunno…finances…maybe?

stuff

Whoa.

Which brings us to Good Morning America‘s Breaking News.

sddefaultWait.  What?

Hold that sparkly iPhone a little closer to your face, Jill.  What is this all about?

At first Holly was all like ‘I’mNotOneToGossipButThisLooksInteresting’

hj1

And then she was all like ‘OoohNoSheDin’t!’

hj(Look at Jill’s SideEye.)

And then they were all straight out like ‘SayWhaaaaa?’
2e6eb8bde47add19377db025c5aae756I mean, like…

copySo, yeah.  I totally just told that whole story backwards.  But you get the gist of it.  And the end result was the same.  Sometimes you need to just go with the flow.

And by now you’ve all seen the TMZ stories and the CVS magazine articles while you’re standing in line buying your 75% OFF christmas wrap.  So take it to the chatrooms.  You know what these recaps are all about by now.  Stress makes me…you know.

chipsNeedless to say, the Moms were concerned and Abby was in denial.

Jill wanted to discuss the Elephant In The Corner (…what does that even mean?  Isn’t he just there in the room wandering around?…) but Abby was going on like it was just another day at the office.  Except for the itchy nose part.

an

a2Yup.  Just another day at the ALDCLA.

Despite all the media hoopla, the girls needed to rehearse for the the weekend.

Did I mention that Abby wanted Nia to twerk?  Like Nicki Minaj twerk?  Because she did.

Well.  My Anaconda don’t.  And neither does Nia.

nia

Nia’s a young lady now.  And a role model.  And raised right.  And even though Abby showed her how she wanted it done, it wasn’t gonna happen.

Q.  What do you think that driver thought when he cruised by the window and saw all of this goodness pressed up against the glass?

twr

A.  True Story.

giphy-1Finally, it was Showtime!

Actually, there was a whole bunch of other MelissaStress and yelling and checking TMZ updates that went down before Competition Day, but all the potato chip jokes have put me a little behind schedule.  Abby even called Mackenzie a disappointment and made her go on that bouncy tumble track thing and even went for Maddie’s baby teeth during one argument with Melissa.

Not literally, like they were in a jar or something.  You know what I mean.

But this recap is running long, so we’re all leaving for NYDE right now, with or without you.

As the team arrived at the venue, the Moms were wondering what kind of reception they would receive, since you know how kids today do love their social media.  Nobody knew if they would be walking into a cheering crowd or a firing squad.

Drumroll, please.

They had shirts made!

dtcs

Well, not that one.

You wish.

That’s the one Jill wears when she cleans the bathroom.

The crowd was actually wearing this one…

dtc1 (1)

Side note:  I’ve been waiting almost a month for my 3 pack of Hanes to ship from Macys.com and yet somehow a herd of adolescent girls managed to manufacture brand new JailBreak couture and have the ink already dry by the weekend?

Something ain’t rite.

Let’s wrap this thing up, shall we?

The solos went well from the audience’s perspective.  Mackenzie wore pigtails again, of course.  Because, you know…she’s Mackenzie.  And that’s kind of her thing until forever.

Kendall was supposed to wear latex old lady makeup, but freaked out and peeled it off like they do at a day spa when you need your pores unclogged.  Word on the street is that she was allergic to the rubber, even though we never actually got the full deets before she had her pre-Meltdown…meltdown.

Nia nailed her routine, even though it was clear that the Sass to Actual Choreography Ratio was a little skewed.  If I had remembered to mention earlier that this week’s winning solo would also do a solo NEXT week, the last few paragraphs would have been more beneficial in the long run.

My bad.  But you gotta admit the gophers were on point.

wb

And so were those wolf costumes, right?

ws1Those were the Real Deal.

I guess the days of sitting up in that MomPerch hot glueing Joanne Fabric sequins to iParty hats are truly long gone now, even though I really do miss Kelly and Christi swearing every time they burnt their fingers.

Shout out!  We miss you!

tumblr_n9n7k3mesx1sux2pbo1_500

True Story:  That clip is actual backstage surveillance camera footage from the first time Kelly ever read my blog and I made fun of her hair.

Relax.  I apologized like a million times.

And then the Awards.

Mackenzie took 4th Place for her Dance of the Eternal Pigtail.  Kendall only scored 3rd Place but at least got a free facial for all her trouble.  And Nia’s Cookie routine came in Second Place.

And then the group lost.

No First Place nothing for nobody.

At least that pretty lady on the stage got to pretend she had her own Talk Show for the day.  Look at her go.

We’ll be right back with Mackenzie after this commercial for Palmolive.

couch (1)

And then Abby lost it again.

The Moms were just trying to let her know that they were all there for her and supporting her and if she wanted to talk about all the stuff that she wasn’t talking about they would all be around to talk about it and if she–

Hold up.

Did Abby just say–?

Did she just imply that they might all be going to jail with her?

Excuse me?

jvThat’s it.

I’m done.

The Moms were done.

Everyone was done.

Let’s just go eat, girls.  My treat.

giphy-4Cuz I don’t know about you, but I’m hungry again.

See you next time!

ws

Dance Moms: The ALDC Is Back And Better Than Ever! Hate To Burst Your Hamster Bubble…But They Be Rollin’.

Wednesday, January 6th, 2016

j

 

 

Why is this big star stuck on the window when I specifically ordered it for my dressing room?

 

bub

 

 

Look at her face! That is so totally the shade of blue eye shadow I want for my next video.

 

 

mjs

 

 

Now just hold on. Siri says a person can live without air for 4 minutes. Isn’t the song 5 minutes?

 

 

bfUKeM9

 

 

Just let Mommy clean this for you and then we can watch Dance Moms.

 

a

 

 

If we lose her, that new kid wears the same size jacket so I’m not gonna stress myself out over it.

 

 

jam

 

 

I don’t care who you are, lady. Just get your team and your personal paparazzi photog outta here.

 

 

 

 

Srsly. If it’s gonna take 30 minutes to set up that stage, we’re gonna need 2 hotdogs over here.

 

 

 

So.

Not to get deep or anything.  But.

You ever feel like sometimes you’re just going ’round and ’round in circles?

Like you’re making progress and yet going nowhere at the same time?  Like that elusive water bottle of Life is just within reach but then all of the sudden your emergency release hatch zipper is on the wrong side?  Why does that always seem to happen?

Why can’t Life just be easy all the time?

And why is this kitten even inside a hamster ball in the first place?  Where’s the hamster?

a-hamster-wheel_5435b06c2ba4f

Which reminds me.

Dance Moms is back.

After a brief hiatus for some summer sun, fun and new extensions (…yeah…I’m looking at you, MomCrush Jill…) the whole gang is back in bidnezz at the new ALDCLA studio.

Everyone except Kira, that is.

In Real Time, she’s already delivered a redoinkulously cute newborn and literally HashTagged #BabyJett so many times that I feel she owes me money for baby sitting.

But in TV Time, Kira’s still L’eggo My Preggo and back home waiting for his arrival.

I mean…c’mon.  Look at this little peanut playing his imaginary saxophone.

Sup, playskool playas?

CVTdLqCVEAA8On0During Kira’s absence, Melissa has taken over legal guardianship of Kalani, just in case her appendix bursts on the bus, I guess.

At first I thought maybe MamaZ had just traded kids for a week, because Maddie was clearly MIA as everyone strolled and HoverRolled up to the studio.

Side note:  Nothing personal, JoJo and Mackenzie, but can I tell you how much I’m already OVER this hoverboard craze?  I swear.  I’m sure they’re wicked fun and all.  And they look so sci-fi that I’m totally a little jealz that the inner ear infection I had when I was 6 years old still makes me fall down escalators if I try to ride them backwards.

But if I see one more Mall Cop trying to chase down Marty McFly in the food court…

I swear.

Turns out that Maddie was off somewhere filming a movie that was being directed by the same guy who did Jurassic World.  Remember when Chris Pratt was pudgy?

tumblr_njuo2vo1pu1tp3ul7o1_500

To recap.  Maddie: Nowhere to be found.  Kendall:  Standing right there in front of Abby.

You do the math.  Because Jill certainly did.

jvtSide note:  Check it out.  They finally got rid of those size 3T tutus that have been hanging behind everyone’s head for 5 years.  I swear the pink one was from Chloe‘s first ballet class.  I miss ChloeBird and Christi.  And Kelly and Paige and Brooke, too.  Shout out!

Once everybody got comfortably situated inside the shiny new ALDCLA, Abby immediately laid down the law.  After losing out at last season’s Nationals to Jeanette Cota and her BDA troupe (…kinda sorta the Team Formally Known As Candy Apples…) the ALDC was going back to its roots.

Dance.  Dance.  More Dance.  And then nothing but Dance.

That’s right.  You heard me.  A moratorium on extracurricular activities.

It didn’t matter that the whole point of uprooting everyone and shipping them FedEx from PA to LA was to boost their careers and open up a whole new world of opportunities.

Nope.  Psych.

My girl Nia Sioux (…“Excuse me, Boo…you’re in my way”…) didn’t make this face until the end of the show, but she made one almost exactly like it when Abby announced the new ruling.  So it still works.  Plus, it’s too good to waste at the bottom of this recap when you’re all zoning out.

#WhatchooTalkinBoutAbby?

nia

Gurrrrl, pleez.  You tell me she’s not her mother’s daughter.  I mean, like…

tumblr_nnwi1dEwiN1tb8iyko1_500

We love Holly so much.

Side note:  New #LifeGoal is to walk by the front window of that studio and have my face blurred out like I’m running from the cops.  How do we make this happen?

am

Needless to say, the next few minutes were nothing but trying to figure out why Maddie could go off and film a movie which was clearly an extracurricular activity while the rest of the girls were not allowed to do extracurricular activities like filming a movie and then Jill got kind of loud and then Kendall went…

shI’m not really sure why someone felt the need to insert those Honey Boo Boo Child subtitles since Kendall was already yelling at the top of her lungs, but whatev.

Honestly, I was more concerned with who they paid off at city hall to keep all those parking spots empty in front of the studio for the next 8 months.

You see that?  There are never that many empty parking spots in Los Angeles.  Ever.

I’m totally getting a Hertz rental and pulling right up onto the sidewalk this season.  Then you can all watch my blurred out face and a** being towed down the street to the police station.  But I’m not worried, tho, because my boy Bryan Stinson will bail me out.

He’s the one with the Apple Launch headset that Holly almost pushed down at the Reunion Show last season.

Gah.  I don’t care what you say.  I still l love this show.

gOh.  And the girls all got new head shots that were totes mcgotes glamazoned up.

No more little tykes sitting on the floor while Abby spins around the Season One chalkboard.  Our girls are all grown up now.

Programming note:  At today’s performance, the role of Maddie Ziegler will be played by Brynn Rumfallo.  Because Brynn was back!  And  so was her sassy Mom Ashlee.  

I think JoJo had a little BowEnvy when Brynn ran into the studio.  JoJo’s was still bigger, but the last thing you want is anyone moving in on your signature look.

I’m not sure what kind of envy, if any, the Moms were having, but every camera angle made it look like Jessalynn was trying to figure out if Ashlee’s boobs were real or not.

boobFYI:  The last time Brynn had been with the ALDC was for a performance on Dancing With The Stars, where Melissa had (…allegedly…) told Tom Bergeron that the other girls were all just backup dancers for Maddie.  Needless to day, Ashlee called her out on it as soon as the Moms hit those visibly uncomfortable carpet-covered plywood seats.

Melissa said it never happened and made this face.  Look at that vein in her neck.

mBut Ashlee kept talking and Melissa kept checking for early signs of an aneurysm.

m1Ashlee vs. Melissa.  Ashlee vs. Jill.  Ashlee just wasn’t liking it.

sassy dannyFun Trivia:  That guy from American Idol is a Drag Queen now.

tumblr_nj4fgeWetz1qk08n1o1_500At this week’s Sheer Talent Competition, Brynn scored a solo and JoJo was going to be put into one of those infomercial vacuum sealer bags that you store your winter clothes in when you do spring cleaning.

Well, sorta.

It was was going to be a take off on The Boy In The Plastic Bubble movie.  Which is not to be confused with the Bubble Boy movie starring Jake Gyllenhaal that I posted at the top of all this hilarity, which will still get me hate tweets for the wrong photo even though I’m telling you right now I already know which movie is which.

The Boy In The Plastic Bubble is the one starring John Travolta when he still had Vinny Barbarino hair and bell bottoms even though he’s wearing shorts right now.

20100217-john-travolta-1-600x411Side note:  The irony that most of the people who watch Dance Moms are younger then those kids looking into Vinny’s bubble has not escaped me.  Some of you may need to hit pause and fire up the Google for a few minutes while I sit here getting old.

Somehow Abby found one of those giant inflatable water bubble things, shoved JoJo inside and inflated it until her eardrums burst.

jj

Who knew that Gianna had a leaf blower in her Louis Bag?  What are the chances?

lbAccording to the directions, it’s fun for 5 minutes.

tumblr_mi3jhpjLVO1s2589qo1_500And then you die.

tumblr_lltcmaEf421qhigt0o1_500This show does like the drama.

Totally unrelated, check out these two hamsters going backwards on a record player.

hamsters-spinning-on-turntable-1As they tried to revive JoJo, we scooted over to the BDA to see what they’d been up to all summer.

Jeanette was all like OhHeyGirfriends and tossed it up high.  National Champions, Bitches.  I like her better with straight hair, not that she ever asked for my opinion.

jcOther stuff happened, but honestly, all that really mattered to me was that the Morales Posse was back in the hizzle.  YAAAAS!  They’re baaaack!

We love Jo and Gavin and McKenzie With No ‘A.’

Remember GDawg’s face when Lucas Triana called him a pissy little bitch?

WTF, dude?

g-1If I recall correctly, Jo even took off her shoes AND earrings and got ready to rumble right before security came in and hosed down Brigette.

This show.  I swear.

Gavin was all like ‘WhoopWhoopHollaBackLadies’ while McKenzie just stood there in utter disbelief that someone would touch her damn head after it took her a solid 45 to get that bun right.

gmThe Short Version:  BDA was going to do their own interpretation of ALDC’s Second Place “Waiting Room” dance from Nationals to show them how it should be done.  And Gavin wears a lot of hair product for lift and shine.

Commence heartbreaking in Three…Two…One.  HowYouDoin?

gv

Back at the ALDCLA, everyone got all excited that Maddie was calling in via satellite.

Because that’s totally what they called it, like she was riding around on the Mars Explorer land rover or something.

It’s called FaceTime, people.  And I still don’t understand why Skype video is blurrier than the actual shots of Mars dirt sent from 783 billion miles away from Earth.  Can’t someone fix that by now?  We can call people on Dick Tracy watches already, fercryinoutloud.

giphyAnd then Jill opened her mouth and I swear that Holly’s voice came out of it.  F’realz.

Because Jill said that even though they support Abby and will still do things with Abby, she will do whatever it takes to give Kendall the best future possible.

Wait.  What?

tumblr_nnwi1dEwiN1tb8iyko1_500I mean.  I’m not saying that someone’s been saying that all along, but…

hfI mean…

tumblr_nnwi1dEwiN1tb8iyko1_500Oy vey.

Finally, it was Showtime!

Maddie was back from Mars for some PepTalk and MovieTalk.  It’s still so funny to see these kids without braces on their teeth.

mzDid you catch when Ashlee was so busy talking that she sewed Brynn’s headpiece directly into her skull?  That’s gonna leave a mark in the morning.

Q.  Since the girls had never actually done a complete run-through of the group dance without the zipper on JoJo’s airbag jamming, Nia Sioux thankfully piped up and asked Abby what they should do if JoJo flatlined in the middle of the routine and they couldn’t get her unsealed.

A.  Scream FIRE.  Because that’s always the best thing to do in a crowded theater.

ashWell, at least they had a plan now.

Gavin’s “The Comeback” solo was da bomb.  He was nervous, but Melissa had said earlier in the episode that he would get bonus points for his boy parts, so I wasn’t worried.

(That’s not exactly what she called them, but I’m trying to maintain my borderline PG-13 rating.  Wish I’d known about these points back in the days when I was trying to raise my score at school dances in the cafetorium.  Dang.  Where my trophy at?)

gmomBrynn’s solo was also quite nice and was even introduced by the same voice guy who does “The White Zone is for Loading and Unloading only” announcements at the airport.

Am I wrong?  Did you hear him?

Somebody on Twitter said Brynn’s penché was amazing, so congrats.  I don’t know what that is, but job well done, honey.  Apparently my Macbook Pro doesn’t know either, because it auto-corrected it to ‘peanut’ two times before it stuck on a ballet term.

And then the ALDC hit the stage with HamsterJoJo.

They came out on stage just like this, I swear.

Hamster1

Side note:  That kid with the blue hamster ball is having a bad day.

The ALDC girls danced all around just like this and the audience loved it.hamsterballWhen the BDA hit the stage is when things got a little chaotic.

All they had to do was set up 6 of those plastic dining chairs that you always see outside restaurants that start with the word ‘Metro-sumthin’ and call it a day.  But for some reason, 10 BDA Moms couldn’t get 6 chairs in a straight line.

Worst.  Wedding.  Planners.  Ever.

Abby got the owner of the competition (…who totally looked like my pizzeria guy in the North End…“You gonna order or sit there all day?”…) so worked up that he disqualified them for going over the 1.75 minute rule for prop-setting-upper-people.

Then Jeanette lost her nutty a little and tore off to the judges’ table with Abby following behind her filming the whole thing on her iPhone like she was sending it back out via satellite to the International Space Station.  Swear to Gawd.

Everyone in the audience looked exactly like this…

mcz

…until Jo got them all doing some kind of Super Bowl stadium cheer that gave me Life.

Eventually the owner caved and let the BDA perform.  Which, regardless of whose side your on, was a good thing because the dance was important to Jeanette due to the loss of her sister in an accident years ago.  It was a sad story.

Gavin slid all the way onstage on his back.  Totally stealing that move at the club this weekend when my song comes on.  Dat’s rite.  I’m doing The Gavin.

You can’t stop me when the beat drops.

And e’rrybody’s gonna look just like this when they see it.  Somebody hold my drink…

h1The Results:

Brynn:  First Place.  Gavin:  Second Place.

ALDC:  First Place.  BDA:  Second Place.  Points deducted for lining up 6 chairs that ended up looking like they were on the Titanic right before it went under.

And then it got weird.

Melissa started to cry because Maddie was gone and then back and then going away again.  And then Abby started to cry because Melissa was crying and made this face…

tg…right before she foreshadowed the future with some cryptic rambling about making mistakes and paying the price and being on TMZ.

Ok.  I made up that last part.  But you know where she was going.

Nia made that face from before…

nia…and then everyone started scratching their weaves.  What is she talking about?

You know what’s coming.  We all do.

But since I just finished a cheeseburger at Mark Wahlberg‘s new restaurant and then came home to pre-order Teresa Guidice‘s JailBreak tell-all book while lying on markdown Martha Stewart sheets that still weren’t cheap, I’m thinking Abby will somehow come out just fine on the other end.  It’s kind of in her DNA.

That’s a saga for another day, tho.

For now, Dance Moms is back!  We got a whole season to get this party started.

ALDC…dance us out of here, will ya?

tumblr_lugebxW2xM1r3k5u3o1_500

Dance Moms: The Real Housewives Of Pittsburgh Return For One Last Look At The City Of Angels Mama Drama.

Wednesday, August 19th, 2015

mz

 

 

Swear to Gawd. If you’re filming this and I end up on that stupid blog, Imma sue you so hard.

 

 

hb

 

 

I will pick you up and carry you outta here, little boy. You see these arms? Mama does pilates.

 

 

js2

 

 

Cuz I will literally hitchhike back to PA if I have to watch that damn bra scene one more time.

 

iph6

 

 

Today’s show was brought to you by the letters A,L,D,C and the new iPhone 6 Plus sparkle case.

 

 

4dma

 

 

 

My a** she’s 45.

 

 

jmd

 

 

 

No. Really. You can let go now, honey. I’m actually here to see that other lady sitting over there.

 

 

jh

 

 

They’re gonna have to cut this pink coat off my cold, dead body. I look just like Rihanna, right?

 

 

 

I swear.

Family Reunions are exhausting.  Truly.

Between texting the invites (…Spoiler Alert:  and the un-invites…) and planning the menu and making sure your seating arrangements don’t result in a straight up bar brawl, the entire process can easily wear a person out before the guests even arrive.

Not to mention getting your hair did and picking out the right cocktail dress.

But leave it to The Real Housewives Of Pittsburgh to get it done.

Dance Moms wrapped up and threw down this week with a look back at the most dramatic, turbulent, bleeped-out ALDC season yet.  And they even did it in fancy clothes.

After racking up more frequent flyer miles than the last four seasons combined, it was time to head back into that mysterious underground Collins Avenue Bunker and relive the magic one last time.  Cue the Infomercial Audience, because it’s time for…

Season 5: We Made It Out Alive.

almFrom the start, it was clear that sumthin was up.

Instead of opening up with my boy Jeff Collins nervously sitting at the cool table with Abby Lee Miller, this time around we got a flashback to a few hours earlier with Melissa and my MomCrush Jill in hot rollers, swiping through their cellphones, wondering if Abby was even going to show up for the Reunion Show taping.

Pretty hurts.  Trust me.

jv

Apparently, Abby had sent a mass text to all the Moms telling them to NOT show up for the taping, which clearly worked really well since everyone was already present and accounted for in the makeup chairs getting Mall Hair at 9:15 in the morning.

Kira had blocked Abby to prevent any unnecessary tweets and texts.  Holly had requested a sassy, on-trend messy bun.  And Jessalynn had straight up snatched the Biggest Bump-It Ever Award right out from under Jill’s nose while she was looking down at her phone.  You see that thing?

anigif_enhanced-16040-1410290361-12

Even Jess was all like DaaannnngGurrrrl…ILookGoooood.

jsTwo hours later, Abby finally arrived with a glass of Diet Coke that I swear she stole from Cracker Barrel.  Where else did it come from?  That was totally a glass they give you at restaurants with a lime, even if you say No Lime.

Everyone was all like “She’sHereShe’sHere!!” but Abby refused to speak to anyone, instead just sitting down in her assigned spot with a pile of construction paper notes that she pulled out of a giant bag and immediately tucked under her badonk for safe keeping.

She’s coming to set!  She’s just sitting in the chair!  She’s got papers!

She’s got explosives!

Beaker

Side note:  Have we learned nothing from Bravo TV?  Props at Reunion Shows are just asking for trouble.  Even if they’re just handwritten scribbles that you hold up like you’re being asked a question on The Newlywed Game.

Q.  How do you like the recap so far, Quad?

tumblr_mnjk67HVyW1ql5yr7o1_500Sure enough, as soon as production got rolling (…three hours late, if you’re counting…) Jeff asked Abby what she thought of the season finale debacle at Nationals and she started throwing up 8x10s like they were gang signs.

a1Lawd.  It was gonna be a long hour if this is how she’s playing it.

sheldon-throwing-papers-gifSide note:  The Moms were already seated around Jeff.  No intros this year.  No name tags.  Nothing.  We know them all by now, right?

Except for Jill and Melissa, maybe.  Not gonna lie.  Love them both, but I was having trouble telling them apart for most of the episode now that they have that Bouffant-y Blonde BFF Twin Thang going on.  Was it just me?

They looked to their right together.

mjAnd then straight ahead together.

mj3And then over there together.

mj2And then gave majorly awesome SideEye together.

mj6When they left the studio after taping, their hats even blew off together.

giphy-1But I love them.  Separately or together.

The controversy over Nationals (…Fixed?  Orchestrated?  Hot Mess?…) continued with Jess and Dr. Voice Of Reason Holly wondering why Abby had never questioned the authenticity of the awards back when the ALDC was winning everything.  Now that they came in Second Place you’re gonna start name calling?  Is that how we do?

Personally, I was questioning what kind of third rate local PR Agency this dude they kept calling Frank from Nationals (…not to be confused with Jake from State Farm, I guess…) uses if his entire reputation is being dragged through the Pittsburgh potholes on national television.

1.  This is Jake from State Farm.  Why isn’t he wearing a headset like the other guy?

tumblr_static_tumblr_static_bxbng5tfvvw4ksw048gk040oo_1280.jpg

2.  This is Frank from Nationals.  Why isn’t he drunk yet?

fAbby claimed that she didn’t know Frank and that they weren’t friends and that the ALDC had never gone to one of his (…allegedly…) crooked competitions, which was right about when my boy Bryan Stinson came out of the shadows long enough to shut it down before this thing turned into a two-parter.  Busted, lady.

Moral of the Story:  Jake fixes claims.  Frank doesn’t fix anything.  And Bryan wears a US Government-issued Secret Service earpiece for some reason.

Next question:  Where’s Cathy Nesbitt-Stein and her Candy Apples?

Answer:  There was no answer.  But Jeanette Cota got to come out and yell at Abby, so it was kind of the same thing.  At least until Jeff awkwardly decided to ‘Put A Pin In It’ and send Jeanette home 42 seconds later.

(That’s his legally copyrighted Housewives Catch Phrase, BTW.)

jc

Seriously.  Check the Instant Replay.  42 seconds, not counting getting situated in her snugly dress.  Apparently she left her flat iron plugged in or something, because Jeanette didn’t even have time to put a decent dent in the seat cushion before Jeff said “I know you need to leave” and sent her packing until Season Six.

Thanks for playing.  If you leave now, you’ll beat traffic.  Buh bye.  Wait.  What?

Side note: There were also random ALDC dance performances interspersed throughout the hour, but I know you’ve watched them a gazillion times on youtube, so I’m skimming through the artsy stuff.  The girls looked good, though.  They’re getting so big.

Next topic:  The lack of dance classes and/or dance training now that the gang had relocated to Hollywood.  Which is kinda sorta true.

We flashbacked to my MomCrush flipping out on Abby over stretch classes and then learned that all along we should have been doing our homework in full leotard splits.  We don’t need no dance teacher to put us through inner thigh stretches and flip flops while we go about our daily lives.

Who knew?

If you want the truth, I’m already kinda looking forward to the next time I balance my checkbook.  My goal is a 9.9 from the Russian judge if I can stick the landing.

jc1

Side note:  I liked the way Jeff kept looking off to the side to make sure Bryan was still there in the darkness.  Like…Dude, don’t even think of leaving me here alone.  You just know every corner of that studio was marked with people holding Maybelline oil blotting sheets and stun guns.

And how about this guy here, who can’t believe his life right now.  First his girl makes him miss the Game and come all the way downtown to the show and then she spends the whole hour gossiping with some random chick she doesn’t even know.

Worst.  KissCam.  Ever.

auAnd then we got to relive BraGate one more time.

You remember that one.  That was when Kira and her Hormones (…not to be confused with Jem and the Holograms, I suppose…) completely melted down in Fresno, forcing two hotel caterers to throw themselves over the back hallway staircase railing right before Abby pulled her top off like it was the last day of Spring Break.

And you know I’m dying to post that photo one more time.  You just know it.

But I promised I would not post that photo again this season.  People even begged me online through a Kickstarter page that’s almost up to $9.42.  So I won’t.

Instead, though, here’s a photo of a baby sneezing until it falls over.  Which is pretty much the same reaction I had when Abby took her top off, anyway.  Same diff.

Plus, Holly loves this gif.  So please do enjoy.

ac63e126f65b565db9bf4f58611bec74.jpgAbby claimed that she didn’t hug Kalani that day because there were so many kids begging for hugs that it went on and on and on for so long that she had to make it stop.

Previously unseen footage from that day in question:

72502-kissing-minions-gif-Imgur-8PBsJess and Holly were quick to jump in and point out that there were only 6 children in the entire building and if you hugged each of them for 5 seconds it would still only total up to 30 seconds of your life that you’d never get back.

Finally.  Dance Math I can understand.

Side note:  Jeff said “Simmer Down” which is something you usually only hear spoken by the same people who use the word “Shenanigans.”  Just needed to be pointed out.

And how about these guns, yo?

#HollyArms.haSomebody’s been doing their curls and dips.

True Fact:  I even got a tweet asking me if I knew what her arm workout was.  Because she and I are so tight, you know.

Yes, we’re besties.  But I’m not allowed to go to the gym with her because I take too long primping after we’re done Zumba class.  Some of us don’t wake up like dis, thank you.

And Mama hates waiting around.  Time is money, especially when you’re being strategic about your daughter’s new music career.

We even got a closeup of those arms in action when Holly threatened to knock over a tripod camera and walk off the set after she and Jill got into a…umm…rather heated discussion on whether or not the West Coast had changed Dr. Frazier, which escalated quickly into an argument on tardiness, falsifying information and whether or not The Artist Formerly Known As Just Nia ever went to school.

#HollyHulkSmash.

Here’s a thought:  If your Mama is a former school principal, I’m pretty certain you’re getting an education somehow somewhere.

Luckily, my boy Bryan picked up on all the drama in his left ear and jumped out of the shadows one more time to keep Holly on set.  He even posed just like this, which is the same pose he uses on his Learning Annex Self Help Seminar posters and the same pose he used when he unveiled the new iPads last year.

Am I lying?  I swear he’s the same guy from the Apple website.

bs

Side note:  Holly made this face a lot when she just wasn’t having it anymore.

hniAnd then we got to see the full premiere of Nia’s new music video!!

Yaaaaaas, Gawd.  #SLAY.

Fabulously introduced by my new Fabulous boy Mikey Minden, who had shown up at Frank from Nationals…umm…Nationals…last week to unveil the completed jam to a full house crowd, the video was on fire.nmFiyah.

tumblr_nsme5526OE1tb8iyko3_500Yeah.  What she said.

Side note:  Abby made this face when a Big Girl popped up on screen.  Bad memories, I guess.  And what’s going on with that guy behind her in the First Day of School hoodie?

Watch him Whip.  Watch him Nene.  Or not.

avFinally, there was just enough time to get Kira married off.

Dat’s rite.  After taking heat and hot flashes for being with child with no ring, Kira’s boyfriend David showed up to propose.  Just like on Ellen or something.

I know Jill was excited to see him.  You see her clamp onto him like a bear trap?  Don’t stick your foot in that.  Just saying.

We love David.  He’s a rather handsome gentleman, too.

d

He’s kind of a cross between the guy who hosts The Bachelor and somebody who would be ON The Bachelor giving good GuyCry.  Am I right?  Especially with Holly and Jess’s abnormally big hair in the way, doesn’t this picture look exactly like a scene from last season’s Fantasy Suite elimination?

d1Look at how happy they are.  David even kissed Kalani on the head.

kkAbby’s split personality oddly kicked in during the engagement festivities as she ran around in circles taking pictures on her iPhone.  That was strange.  But it was nice to see everyone on the same side for a few minutes.  Congratulations to the happy couple.

These two wish he wasn’t off the market, tho.  You can just tell.

451And then it was over.  Pretty much.

Abby rambled on for a few minutes about the future of the ALDC and about going out when you’re on top even though they’re not on top right now and something about how the girls are growing up and can no longer compete in the junior age categories and she’s going to Panama with Maddie and Mackenzie and how she’s only 45 years old and she didn’t say she was dismantling the team Jeff said that and she was planning on retiring but she didn’t and now she is ending one journey and beginning another one and she kept talking in one long run-on sentence just the way I’m typing it now which made it so hard to understand that I stopped listening after they said there would be a Season Six.

I dunno.

tumblr_nnwi1dEwiN1tb8iyko1_500 It’s over.  But it’s not over.  And that’s all that matters.

We’re just taking a break.  Before you know it…Dance Moms will be back again.

Season 5 is in the can.  We made it through another one.  And it’s been a blast.

And that calls for a celebration.

Nia.  Sing us outta here, willya?

See you guys next season!

Muah.

 [field name=iframe]


%d bloggers like this: