Posts Tagged ‘@Abby_Lee_Miller’

Dance Moms: Told You So. When It’s Maternal Overload In Wheeling, Double The Moms Means Double The Trouble.

Wednesday, July 30th, 2014




Just letting you know they’re all talking crap about you…and they’re totes jealz of my new highlights.






I called for back-up an hour ago. I swear if Jimmy is outside screwing around on his Twitter again…






If that Hyland chick was still here she would’ve had this thing wrapped up before happy hour.






That bitch is just lucky I forgot my pants today or I would have totally kicked her a** hard.


h1 2




Just saying we’ve been back one week and my damn hair’s already starting to curl. You really wanna do this?





What’s it gonna take to remind everyone that it’s still the International Year Of Nia? Some freakin’ crown on my head?






I ain’t running away. There’s still donuts in the lobby, but it looks like all you suckahs are taking the stairs. Peace.



Double your pleasure.

Double your fun.

It’s Two.  Two.  Two Dance Moms in one!  Sorta.

That’s right.  Abby Lee Miller & Co. is back to finish up the second half of the season.  And once again, they brought enough people to fill at least two ALDC studios to capacity.

The New Team and their New Moms.  The Original Recipe Team and their Original Recipe Moms.  Choreographers.  Camera Guys.  Producers.  Even (…Spoiler Alert…) a couple of Security Personnel and one dude who I believe was a Nightclub Bouncer.

I swear there were literally Moms and kids dropping down from open ceiling vents and crawling in through unlocked windows like ninjas.  The ALDC was definitely maxxed out on crazy this week.  Twice the Mamas.  Twice the Mama Drama.

And easily four times the amount of hair product and blowouts.

With so much going on this week, Abby didn’t waste any time getting the party started.

As the New and Old all filed in for the first Pyramid of Shame since the break, some tweaks to the routine were already pretty obvious.  Starting with the return of the stadium risers.  Which is a fancy TV term for 2×4 planks painted black.

With so many bodies in the building, Abby had to do some rearranging.  Moms on the top and their matching kids on the floor.  Except for Holly.  Wait.  What? 

Seriously.  How tall is this woman, anyway?  I’m going to assume that she didn’t want all that awesome new hair getting stuck to the ceiling tiles so she only paid for floor seats.

We love Dr. Beyoncé and whoever her sassy new stylist is, BTW.


Somebody at Lifetime also decided to blur out the makeup and backgrounds on all those Real Housewives of Pittsburgh talking head solo interview parts.  It took me a few minutes before I realized that I wasn’t actually watching the show through a jar of vaseline, but now I’m cool with it because it kind of makes the Moms look like they’re in one of those glossy magazine perfume ads that you scratch and sniff at the Beauty Parlor.

And while we’re on the subject.  I think I liked my MomCrush Jill‘s hair all blown back like some Intern BoyToy was fanning her from off-camera.

Because you know she totally has one doing that.  And he probably doesn’t even wear a shirt.  Oh, yeah.  Mama needs her Evian and her Bump-It.  That’s what I’m talking about.

Christi didn’t appear to have a BoyToy nearby, but she did have nicknames for all the New Moms since she couldn’t remember any of their real names.

Jodi was DudMuffin.  Loree was Boring Loree.  (…Yeah.  I don’t think Christi worked too hard on that one…)  Tracey was Frumpelstiltskin.  Jeanette was Count Stalkula.

Two Side Notes:  Jeanette personally let me know via her lawyer that she does NOT shop at Forever 21.  I stand corrected.  I forget what teeny bopper skinny legging store she frequents, but it’s not Forever 21.  And Two…I liked that vampire cereal when I was little.   It made the milk turn chocolate.

Tami was What’sHerFace because Christi couldn’t remember her name and Tami couldn’t remember her own pants.  More on that one a bit later.

And finally, New Christy (…with a ‘Y’…) was now and in the future to always be referred to as Christ-y.

That’s right.  Like the baby in the manger.  That one.


Who knew?  Turns out that New Christy is very religious and proudly stands by her church’s (…Spoiler Alert:  The Church of Whip Yo’ A***…) beliefs.  It also turns out that I don’t really know if it’s supposed to be spelled “Christ-y” like ‘LawdShe Was Acting All Christ-y Today At Choir Practice’ or “Christee” like a 7-11 Slurpee.  So I’m just going to keep making up names as the season progresses and you’re all just going to have to deal.

It should probably also be noted that Kamryn was wearing another sparkly headband.  I think that’s gonna end up being her thang.

You remember Kamryn.  She’s the cutie who went on and on last time listing all the millions of awards and trophies that she had won until Abby finally cut her off and my DVR stopped recording.  I have it from reliable inside sources that the Season 4 DVD box set will include a bonus disc that is nothing but Kamryn telling us how she cured polio and landed on the Moon with no oxygen mask.

We like her.

But back to business.  Abby let everyone know that during the break she had spent the last two months going to rescue other dance studios that needed her help.

Awkward Pause.

Now I’m not telling anyone else how to do their job, but I’m thinking that maybe somebody in post-production might have wanted to bleep out that last little bit of dialogue since Abby’s Studio Rescue only stayed on the air for about 90 minutes before it got replaced by whoknowswhat.  Ouch.  Too soon?

Maddie also got to pimp out her SiaChandelier” music video performance before the Pyramid was finally revealed.  Which really wasn’t much of a triangle since it was everyone in one straight line with Chloe on the top.  She came in First Place at their last performance.  So you go, ChloeBird.

This week, both teams were headed to the Sheer Talent Competition in Wheeling, WV…which actually got a round of applause for some reason.  I have to assume that it was for the Sheer Talent part and not the West Virginia part.


Both teams would be performing group routines.  The newbies were taking it to church in honor of SlushPuppy Christee while the original girls would just be putting on their pajamas and having a Ouija Board sleepover.  Because clearly what we need right now is yet another Girl Party, right?

Speaking of.  Abby pointed out that MackZ was now the Universe’s #1 Pop Star, which may or may not have been news to Katy Perry…but, whatev.  It got her a solo up against tiny Sarah H., who I really like even though she always shakes like those little dogs with no fur when they jump out of the bath tub.

There was also some major dramz over whether or not Abby had checked with the judges after the last competition to try and knock Chloe out of First Place and give the trophy to Kamryn, who would no doubt have put it up on the shelf next to her two Grammy’s and seven People’s Choice Awards.

Eleven minutes into the show and this chick is already making me feel inadequate.

First up in the MomPerch was the NewCrew, where The Loud Church Lady immediately got into it with everyone on the couch.  I’m not really sure what happened, because I spent too much time trying to figure out what was going on with those new streaks in her hair.

They didn’t really look like she went to the Mall and got all her tips pulled through the cap.  They kind of looked more like the ones you paint on yourself and then let cure on your head while you finish the laundry.

As soon as the Original Moms climbed up to the top to join them, ChristEIEIO began throwing everyone else under the bus and then the whole thing just got messy.

By the time both Christies finished barking at each other I was starting to wonder how many more episodes it would be before somebody goes completely Dynasty Moms and tosses one of the New Carringtons down those narrow carpeted stairs, leaving them all crumpled at the bottom with their legs straight up in the air like bunny ear antennas.

(I hope somebody out there just got that joke.  One person even.  I don’t ask for much.)


And then it just went from Crazy to the umpteenth power of Crazy.

It all started with the New Moms (…minus Christy…) huddled around the front desk talking shizz with Abby.  They were (…hypothetically, of course…) trying to figure out how to replace little Sarah H. in the program when Mama Bear lumbered in and busted up the party.

I don’t even know what happened.  Tami yelled at Christy.  Christy yelled at Tami.  Tami yelled some more.  Christy said “Bite Me” which I don’t remember ever reading in any Bible verse in Sunday School, and then Tami just went bazoinkers.

I mean, like, off your meds bazoinkers.

She went for Christy.  Went.  For.  Her.  She even snatched the back of Tracey’s messy hair for no reason whatsoever and yanked it like she was on The Maury Show just to get past her and up into Christy’s face.

Then Christy acted not very Christ-y-ish and grabbed Tami’s throat right before some random guy in a striped Old Navy rugby showed up out of nowhere and started pushing them apart.  It went from Crazy with a ‘C’ to straight up Krazy with a ‘K.’

The front desk got trashed.  That wire grid display thingamabob even half fell off the wall right before my boy Director Jimmy swooped down like Superman and slapped a few bitches.  (…Well, not really.  But I’m still holding out hope for the premiere of Dynasty Moms.  You know I’m onto something with this one, Bro.  Hit me up on Twitter.)

The funniest part was that after all that commotion, the front desk didn’t look any different than it does on a normal day.  Don’t they have anyone on staff with organizational skills?

Go to the Container Store fercryinoutloud.  They’re having a great Back to School Sale.

By the time the fight was over, Christy had gone into Time Out in the stairwell, Tami had lost her pants and the rest of the New Moms climbed into one of those white Whole Foods delivery vans.

Seriously.  Did you see Tami?  Booty Booty E’rrywhere.  I was just thanking the Good Christ-y that there was no “Juicy” logo bouncing around back there.


I’m pretty sure that is was also right about here when Holly’s hair started to show a slight curl at the ends.  And, Gurrrl…you know what humidity and drama does to that weave.  Brace yourselves, America.  You might want to stock up on non-perishables and go to your Safe Room right now, because I have a feeling it’s coming soon.

Once the dust settled, the Original Moms started to do the math and realized that if the two smallest dancers on Abby’s new team were removed from the equation you’d end up with a teen category group that would no longer be up against the Original ALDC girls.

I see what you did there, Ms. Miller.  And so do your Moms.

Finally, it was Showtime!

Out back in the makeup room, all the drama continued to come from the New Moms this week while the Original Ones quietly peered over their lightbulb mirrors like meerkats do right before they bite you in the neck and drag you back down the hole.

MackZ got her face all painted up like one of Celine‘s Cirque du Soleil dancers, but without the long putty nose.  Christee didn’t like that either.  I’m starting to realize that she doesn’t like much.  Except yelling.  She really seems to like yelling.

MackZ’s solo went really well.  When she strutted off the stage all sassy and flapping her arms around it reminded me of when I wear new pants for the first time.  Werk.

Tiny Sarah’s solo was good, but still a little too much Puppy Bath Day shaking for me.  But I see potential.  She just needs to practice and stay warm.

And then Holly’s hair ticked up another notch.

The New Team came out with these amazing Testify church dresses accessorized with some fancy hair bow/hat things that probably cost more than my cable bill right as the Old Team slumped out of the shadows wearing those flannel PJ sets that always come packed with a bonus pair of matching rubberized footies.

Uh Oh.  Somebody with a PhD wasn’t liking it, mmkay?


Abby tried to justify it by stating that sometimes Life just isn’t fair and then followed it up with more classic ALDC ramblings, but I lost track of what was happening because the Original Christi suddenly bolted from her seat and jumped up on stage.

Really.  I swear that was her.  Because it was, right?  Or maybe it was Chloe.

But how much did Chloe look like her Mom with all that dark eye goop and angry head snapping?  I mean Whoa.  Just.  Whoa.

She looked amazing.  I don’t know if it’s a skill set or Abby’s constant beat downs or both, but Chloe really shines when she gets handed these Come Over To The Dark Side kind of dances.  She nailed it.

There were also two hip hop guys who carried the New Team’s church pew on and off stage and stuck around for some exposure.  Hope their Moms remembered to hit ‘record.’

Then some kids won some stuff.

Sarah H. shivered her way up to Fourth Place.  MackZ swiped First Place from both Sarah and Katy Perry again.  The Old Team came in Second in the group routines.  The New Team scored their second First Place trophy in a row.

And then Jill went off.  And it was awesome.

The whole thing ended when Abby came out from what appeared to be one of those metallic Star Trek Holodeck elevators and pretended to kick Chloe and Christi in the butt.

Pretty immature and uncalled for, but it did give Holly a chance to frizz her ends just a little more before Maddie started to cry.

Oy vey, I tell you.

Dance Moms is soooo back.


Dance Moms: It’s Open Auditions In Orlando, Baby. In10sity Gets Intense When Abby Lee Miller Strikes Back.

Wednesday, January 15th, 2014




Because wearing fur keeps me warm and makes me feel like Joan Collins. Are we really having this discussion again?





OMG. Shut. Up. It’s Abby and Melissa. You tweet it and I’ll totally put it on my kid’s Instagram. Totes McGotes.






Lawd have mercy. What the hell is happening on the top of this crazy bitch’s head?






Sorry. Sorry. Sorry…I swear to Gawd I thought this was The Price Is Right.







Honey, Imma need you to work thru the pain while Chloe’s Mom horndogs an EMT or two, ‘kay?







Two. Boom. Done.







I can’t explain it, but something about all this new hair just makes me wanna sing like Whitney.




That’s right.

Everyone’s Replaceable.  Eventually, anyway.

After we hold the threat over your head for at least a month or two, that is.

Then you should probably start watching your back.

Dance Moms returned this week with more job insecurity than you hear about on CNN money reports as Abby Lee Miller (…finally…) unleashed the first of her Open Audition cattle calls to find The Next Big Thing.

After threatening to boot everyone but the makeup guy off her show for the last three seasons it was actually time to start looking for some fresh meat for the ALDC.

Because…say it with me:  Everyone’s Replaceable.

But not until we unveil the latest Pyramid of Shame and talk about whatever was going on with Melissa‘s new floral pants.  Because you know the (…fashion…) rules.

The gang hadn’t even made it past the parking lot potholes and the internet was already buzzing about Girlfriend’s butt-to-toe screen print jegging/legging/body paint.

Oh, Mel.  Love you.  Mean it.  But sometimes you need to stop and smell the roses.

And sometimes you need to walk right past that rack at Forever 21 and realize it’s just the name of a store and not a reality.  Smell ’em.  Don’t wear ’em.

And Leslie was back.  Again.

Even after being publicly humiliated at the last competition (…”No, YOU shut up”…) and storming out of the makeup room, she was back.  With a vengeance.  And right up at the front desk trying to schmooze her way into the building as Jill cut in line and slipped Abby what at first appeared to be one of those tiny crack cocaine pouch bags they always show as evidence on CSI.

False Alarm, though.  It turned out to only be a gift of silver hoop earrings with a very low street value, so the whole drug thing was my bad.  Jill’s clean.


Nothing to see here except brown nosing, people.  Keep it moving.

As Abby began the Pyramid Reveal, she prefaced it with another Open Audition threat.

Except this time, the s*** was getting Real.

This week they would all be headed to Orlando for the In10sity Dance Competition.  And the first round in the hunt for new dancers.  Because, you know.  The whole Everybody’s Replaceable thing.

So it was Game On.

Except for Maddie and Mackenzie, of course, who would be going down to Orlando earlier than the rest of the team to help Miss Abby run the auditions.  Because apparently the Ziegler girls are really good at special event logistics.

I know, right?  Who knew?

Bottom of the Pyramid was home to Payton, Kendall, Nia and Paige.   Payton was down there because her Mom wouldn’t shut up about it.  Kendall was down there because she performed out of numerical sequence last week and wobbled during her solo.  And now her Mom wouldn’t shut up about it.  Paige was just kinda down there.  Period.

Nia had one or two technical issues, but it’s the International Year of the Nia…so you just wait.  Mama didn’t get no makeover just to watch her baby sit in the basement, mmmkay?

The Pyramid Mezzanine was loaded up with Mackenzie, Brooke and Chloe.  Again, mainly so Maddie could be on top.

And how about Payton’s fake applause when Maddie was announced as Top O’ The Heap again this week?  Did you see that?  It was a-maz-ing.  Ackerman was literally either scratching her palm or giving Maddie THE weakest Mean Girl finger tip tap clap evah.


I’m totally stealing it for next week’s sales meeting when they announce all those top performers that I hate so much.

Go team.  Tap.  Now where are those donuts I keep hearing about?

Maddie and Mackenzie scored this week’s solos.  Brooke, Paige and Chloe were handed a See No Evil Speak No Evil Hear No Evil trio routine that was going to be part monkey/part boogie-woogie Andrews Sisters with Brooke as the lead monkey singer.


(Google it or ask your parents, kids.  I’m not calling her a monkey.  I’m referencing an old photo of three monkeys and now realizing that this joke is not worth the effort involved.)

And finally, the group dance was all about smelling like Team Spirit.

Until you get cut from the Team, anyway.  So take a big whiff now, cuz you never know.

As they headed into rehearsals, Abby asked all the Moms to tweet about the upcoming Open Auditions while they were upstairs picking on each other.  Clearly every one of these Moms knows how to work a cellphone at warp speed, but apparently Dr. Beyoncé’s Sidekick is the only one with a calculator because Holly did some quick Doctorate Math and realized that tweeting out the Auditions amounted to a Craigslist post looking to replace your own kid in the family photo.  I don’t think so.  No, ma’am.  Not doing it.

Abby commended Holly for being the only one in the room smart enough to figure that scam out so quickly and then asked Melissa to immediately start tweeting, which in an odd kind of way implied that Melissa wasn’t very smart.  Or maybe that was just my interpretation of the events.

As the Moms all hit the MomPerch and began debating how Kendall and Chloe could have possibly been swapped out of order in last week’s competition, Abby remained in the studio to work on making Mackenzie her bitch.  And hopefully slipping in some choreography between foot rubs.

Because that totally happened.  Nice socks, by the way.

And now that you mention Mack.  I’m still not sure what age is actually listed on Mackenzie’s drivers license.  Sometimes she seems like she’s 6 years old, rolling all over the floor in a sugar buzz and then sometimes she goes all youtube Glamazon giving Duck Face Realness on her Pyramid headshot.

One minute Abby is talking about how she wants to take Mack down into the ALDC Underground Laboratory and turn her into a Maddie Clone and then the next minute she’s sticking another one of those damn cutie patootie hair bows on her head.  So I have no idea what’s going on with that kid.  She may have to lay on her belly and kick her legs back and forth a few more times before I really get a handle on where she’s headed in her dance career.


The trio rehearsal got all the Moms excited.  Especially Jill, who saw the old fashioned radio microphone stand come out and wanted in on some of that action right now.  There was some discussion on whether or not Abby was just trying to take credit for Brooke’s current dream of pop stardom, but honestly, whenever Jill starts doing her shimmy shimmy cocoa puff I get such a bad case of Vertes Vertigo that I don’t even know what’s happening.  Call me when you want to hit the klubz, gurrrrl.

It should also be noted that Leslie was trying to fit in with the Moms a little better by rocking a Bump-It, but she had it all the way in the front of her hair instead of in the back the way they show it on the commercial.  Not sure what that was all about, but I know Holly was dying to touch it.  Because that’s kind of her thing now.

Then it was Open Audition Time!  So You Think You Can Dance: Pee Wee Edition.

At first I thought it was just lost footage from Abby’s Ultimate Dance Competition (…you know how they love to cross promote the krap out of these shows…) since there were a bunch of random dancers from this past season jumping around the stage.  I’m pretty sure I saw Honey Bow Bow Child and WhatsHerName that was always afraid of her own shadow colliding with an auditorium full of new fresh and juicy lunacy.

And speaking of.  You know that spray you can buy at Petco that keeps cats from peeing on your bushes?  The one that drives them all into your neighbor’s yard instead?  I swear that Lifetime has the opposite of that in their production booth toolboxes somewhere, because with one quick hit of KrazySpray that auditorium was stampeded by wannabe dancers and their nutty Moms.

All wide eyed and rocking those big sticky game show name tags, kid after kid tried to keep up with Maddie’s lead as Mom after Mom melted down in their seats.  They were standing up.  They were sitting down.  They were standing back up again.  They were yelling at Abby.  They were begging for second chances.  They were ugly crying.

Seriously.  Melissa even had to go over and talk one of the Moms off a ledge she was so devastated by the outcome.  Mama Drama.  To Infinity and Beyond.


But how cute was that first little kid in the first big rehearsal?  Did you see her?  She clearly just learned to walk last week and had no idea what was happening.  I’m pretty sure she still had a soft spot in her head she was such a baby.  Cute times a billion.

It was Madness, I tell you.  

There were Studio Hoppers, Booty Poppers and Name Droppers.  There was even one Dad who was so clearly duped into thinking this was going to be a Monster Truck Rally that he just sat there chewing his gum hard enough to give me a headache.  Suckah.

Somehow, between all the crying and yelling, Abby managed to find a handful of dancers who made it through the audition without poking their own eyes out and they all got an ALDC pass.  Stay tuned.

Finally, it was Showtime!

Jill and Kendall were late.  Apparently Jill hadn’t learned her lesson after the last family vacation and decided to attend one of her other daughter’s events instead of getting on an early flight.  In the Dance World you’re either supposed to pick favorites or be better at managing your iPhone calendar.

As for the staging, someone wise once told me to never skimp on lighting.

And they didn’t.

Holy solar flare, Batman.  I’m pretty sure they used the same heat lamps they use above those rolling wieners in the 7-11 convenience store hot dog case.  In an attempt at bringing in a bigger male viewership they also had one judge with an especially low cut top who probably scored a Perfect 10 from the Hooter’s panel.

The show doesn’t always have to be on the stage, kids.  Remember that.

Maddie’s solo was a Maddie solo.  Of course she won.

Mackenzie went back to her cutie pie roots and acrobatted (…is that even a word?…) herself around the stage like a preemie Sonic waitress.  She won, too, even though Abby was quick to point out that she’s still not Maddie.

The trio did their best RuPaul drag queen Lip Sync For Your Life but only came in 2nd Place.  Which was not First Place.  Yikes.


And then Payton fell down.  Hard.

Somehow she either tripped on a chair backstage or over Kendall’s big foot or ran into one of those air pockets that make JetBlue planes lurch to the side.  It wasn’t really clear, since we got two stories almost as soon as she hit the ground.  Regardless, the moral of the story is that Payton can do backflips and pointe shoe spins but can’t walk a straight line.

Gianna: Payton fell.  Something snapped.  Leslie: Who?  Abby: Payton…your daughter.  You remember her, right?  Leslie:  OhMyGod!  Abby:  Shut Up, Leslie.

Suddenly, all these muscled up EMT dudes burst through the backstage doors like it was somebody’s Bachelorette party.  I really thought one of them was going to be holding a boom box and the whole thing was just a staged fake out to get strippers past security.

Christi immediately pulled her top off and pretended that she was the one with the broken foot while Abby’s tongue fell out of her mouth so far that you could swab it for Strep.

And I’m not even making up most of that.  Not a pretty look, ladies.

It was panic.  The girls had to quickly re-block the group number.  Holly kept Payton from completely losing her nutty on the stretcher while Christi put on more lip gloss…just in case.  Because you never know.

As the Chippendales van drove away, the group hit the stage and still somehow managed a First Place showing without the big tall hole that Payton usually fills.

There was also what appeared to be an unconscious kid laying in his Mom’s lap in the audience during awards, but the ambulance had already left the building so he wasn’t going anywhere.

It totally reminded me of Toddlers & Tiaras crownings when all the kids hit that Pixie Stix Wall and crash at the end of the night.  I miss that show.

And then it was over.

Nobody got booted off the Team.

At least not yet.

But I hear that Everyone’s Replaceable.


Dance Moms: Let’s Just Send In The Clones. When It Comes To The Candy Apples, Two Can Play This Game.

Wednesday, January 8th, 2014




Then I told Leslie to save those tears for her pillow and to return that Walmart dress. Girl, please.






Shake the nerves or I’m taking your pink iPhone and you’ll be waiting overnight in a tent at the Apple Store for a new one.






Yo! Frazier! Over here! Lovin’ the new weave! Woot Woot! You werk it, Gurrrl!






MmmMmm. Dang, that McGrath boy is a fine piece o’ sweet candy. Mama Kaya’s kinda liking all that.















Ok, Baby. Tell me if they’re still looking. I know those bitches be hatin’ on my new Dr. Beyoncé look.






Yeah. I think I’m all set with hearing about this damn makeover. We get it. She bought hot rollers. Call CNN.




Game On.

Hope you packed your bags and your milking stools, kids.

Dance Moms is heading to Ohio this week…and you know what that means.

After a short summer break to soak their feet and tighten some orthodontics, the ALDC girls are finally back in business for another competition season and ready to do whatever it takes to retain their National Champion status.  Especially when they cross state lines into Candy Apples territory.

The tiny dancers may have lost some of their baby teeth during their time off, but they didn’t lose their hunger to be Number One.  Even that awkward soap opera growth spurt that a few of them encountered between seasons (…I really thought that at least one of the girls was going to be played by a new, older actress like they do on General Hospital when the producers warp speed a kid through 12 birthdays during a commercial break…) wasn’t going to stop them from their goal of Dance Supremacy.

Unfortunately, their first showing of the new season hadn’t really been anything to write home about.  Last week’s Third Place trophy wasn’t sitting well with Abby Lee Miller as they all rolled into the studio for the second Pyramid of Shame.

Clearly, the kids were a little nervous.

And clearly, Abby was now making up for years and years of pre-Dance Moms anonymity by never leaving the house without a full coat of celebrity makeup and hairspray.

(Is it just me?  Remember Season One? Who was that woman with the flat hair and the plastic headband?  Save those tears…and that foundation…for your pillow, honey.)

This week everyone was headed back to Ohio for another face to face meeting with Chaos Cathy Nesbitt-Stein and her revolving door dance team.

As Abby once again messed with the girls heads by pointing out that any of the upcoming Open Auditions could potentially deliver replacements for the current team before their little bodies were even cold, we were treated to a few more Best Of Cathy flashbacks to bring us all up to speed.


You know the ones.

The infamous Water Bottle/Purse Swing to the Head.  The unruly Mob in the Hall when Kaya From The Block pushed Jill From The ‘Burb‘s nose so hard that Botox almost squirted out both ears.

Seriously.  How much do you love Jill when she goes all Grocery Store Gangsta?  Love.

But first…The Pyramid.  Always The Pyramid.

Bottom row this time around was filled with Payton, Brooke, Nia and Mackenzie.

Brooke had botched a few moves in the group routine last time, which Abby somehow managed to blame on the country music industry.  Nia had done a really good dance, but hadn’t even placed during the awards ceremony.  That made me sad and also made me want to go on a rant about how lame the Sheer Talent backdrop was last week.

But I won’t, because I’m sure that someone spent a lot of time and effort stretching a queen-sized bed sheet out on four clothespins and then lining up a film projector logo.

Diss my Nia?  I don’t think so.

Payton had completely lost her noodle over a tight hair bow.  And despite Mackenzie’s new “My Milkshake Brings All The Boys To The Teeter Totter” glamour shot, she proved that she was still a little girl on the inside by screwing around in the makeup room all day.

I also think that was her only scene this week, because I don’t even remember her being in the rest of the show.  She must have gone home to do another youtube makeup video.

The mezzanine level was home to Paige, Kendall and Chloe, which was basically done in order to free up the top spot for Maddie.  Again.

Maddie is Numero Uno.  We get that part by now.  But who is Numero Dos?

Good question.  And one that could only be answered by giving both Chloe and Kendall ‘Battle of  the Pop Stars’ solos in Ohio.

Chloe would be Katy Perry.  Kendall would be Lady Gaga.  Really.


As we digested that one, the hilarity shifted to Ohio and the Evil Dance Lair, where we found the Candy Apple brigade all busting out the same sit ups they make felons do in prison exercise yards.  Cathy’s prisoners just weren’t visibly shackled, from what I could tell.  At least I don’t think they were.

Bad a** choreographer Blake McGrath was back again, still getting it done with his bad a** neck tattoo and bad a** East Village t-shirt.  You can tell all the Moms get giggly around him when he dirty dances in his Diesel skinny jeans.

Except for maybe Kaya that is, who instead got all Good In Da ‘Hood on Blake’s bad a** as soon as he gave the week’s solo to Lady Killer Lucas Triana instead of her daughter Nicaya.  OhHellNo.

In Kaya’s defense, Cathy did dangle the dance in front of them both for a few seconds before yanking it back like a Twinkie on a string.  That was kinda mean.  And in hindsight, that’s probably what made Kaya go off like one of those molotov cocktails you always see people throw through a Best Buy window during a city blackout when she accused Lucas’ Mom Brigette of partying the lonely nights away with Blake.

Whaaa-?  Whoa.  Hello.  Gurrrl, I need the deets on that one.

Cuz I love Brigette and her smiley face and her smiley kids.  And she’s always putting all these fluffy motivational blurbs on Twitter.  But did you see that Side Eye she gave Kaya?

Oh, snap.

I don’t care how many times Brigette quotes Maya Angelou.  I bet Mama Triana could let 100% of the air out of both your front tires before the light even turns green and still make it to her first real estate showing on time.  She’s from Miami, you know.

Back at the ALDC, rehearsals were in full swing as the Moms went a few rounds up in the MomPerch.

Turns out that Kendall had scored a 30 minute private with choreographer Gianna over the weekend and now…suddenly…the solo that Kendall was performing in Ohio was the same one that she had practiced on Sunday.

If we’re being completely honest, I don’t accomplish much of anything in 30 minutes, so I’m not really sure why Christi made such a big deal about the private attention.  But I guess it’s a Dance Mom thing.  Privates must give you some kind of magical leg up on the competition from what I can tell.

It also meant that Christi and Jill sparred for more than 30 minutes about 30 minutes of their lives they’ll never get back before Jill got up to go buy another 30.

For a total of 90.


So there.

And why is the parking lot always wet?  Always.  Anyone?

Zipping back up to Ohio one more time before the competition, we got a glimpse of the group routine that Blake had (…allegedly, according to Kaya…) over choreographed.  Too much stuff.  Too elaborate.  And too much for Kaya, who stormed out of the room when Blake asked if she would like it dumbed down to her level.

OhNoHeDin’t.  That’s twice if you’re counting.

Hopefully she was going back to that vandalized Best Buy to pick up some better microphones for the Candy Apples studio, because they all sound like they’re being recorded on a Kindle when compared to the ALDC sound checks.  Really.  Go back and listen again.  Echo, much?

And why is that?  Anyone?  So many unanswered questions this week.

Not to be outdone, Abby was putting her girls through their group routine as well.  Entitled “Just Another Number,” it was a sci-fi looking kind of thing about cloning sheep.  Or something.

Holly went back to her academic roots and tried to explain to Leslie what cloning was all about, but Leslie was starting a slow boil over her kid’s height again and Holly’s hair was still so fresh and tight that I got really distracted.  So all I remember is something about sheep and robots and those barcodes that never scan correctly on your cell phone app.

Finally, it was Showtime!

The Candy Apples Crew pulled up to the bumper in one of those shiny black Evil Villain town car/bus contraptions that they always use on Real Housewives of Atlanta.

I immediately wondered if there was a stripper pole inside, cuz that’s kind of a Bravo thing.

Luckily I was pretty easily distracted by Cathy’s crazy animal print dress and the sight of sniffling Vivi-Anne stumbling off the bus behind her Mom carrying a gigantic shopping bag full of travel snacks.

Seriously.  How does this kid not have her own spin-off show yet?  I’m not talking anything expensive.  Just stick her in front of a green screen and let her eat ice cream all day.


By the time the Candy Apples hit the pavement, the crowd was already bazoinkers.  Needless to say, they completely lost their shizz when the shiny white Good Guy ALDC bus reared ended the black bus from Ohio.  I swear it was louder than when the Beatles landed at the airport.

Inside, it was the usual stress filled pre-game show.

Christi threatened Chloe to either shake off her nerves or Mama would take her iPhone away, which I thought was a little extreme.  Seeing’s how it might actually be easier to pry raw meat out of a pit bull’s mouth than to get a cell phone away from a tweenager, I kind of envisioned Christi sitting in the audience flipping through the program with a broken arm for the rest of the season.

Abby then threatened Kendall to either hold in those tears or she would replace her with Maddie doing improv.  I got kind of excited to hear Maddie’s comedy shtick until I realized I was thinking about the wrong kind of improv.  I bet Maddie would have been funny, though.  They should totally add it to next week’s group number.

And put her in Groucho glasses, because those always make me laugh.

Holly kind of sat this one out, choosing instead to continue giving us another week of Michelle Obama Sleeveless Realness and tossing her hair around like the Herbal Essence Shampoo lady.  Protect that investment, sistah.

I swear, if she doesn’t bring one of those Mariah Carey floor fans into the MomPerch next week to keep that new ‘do blowing around for the full hour I’ll buy you lunch.

Lucas was first up with his solo.  One leg straight up in the air and some fake Enrique Iglesias Spanish soundtrack about making girls swoon and throw Hello Kitty underoos up on stage.  Check out his HowYouDoin’ eyebrow lift.  Dude is a Playground Playa.

And my hero.

Next up was Kendall’s solo, event though the program said she was going last.  There was some sketchiness in the audience as Jill tried to figure out what was going on.  Christi somehow knew that Chloe and Kendall’s spots were reversed but wasn’t really clear on where she scored that informational update.

I’ll give it to my girl Jill.  She still can’t figure out what to do with her bangs, but she knows that you don’t change the order of the horses in a race at the last minute unless someone loses a shoe or breaks a leg.  Something’s up.


Caught a bit off guard, Kendall’s first spin was a little wonky and she fell out of the move a bit, which got the whole row of Moms talking.  Was the floor wet?  Was it slippery?  Was it sticky?  Shut Up, Leslie.

That last one kind of came out nowhere and it was all downhill from there.

Chloe did her thing.  And then Leslie had a 15 Kleenex meltdown out back.  Mad, ugly crying.  Even Melissa couldn’t calm her down.

And then both groups performed.

The solos didn’t score that well.  Chloe did better than Kendall, which kind of made her the Numero Dos dancer.  But only by default.

The ALDC group took First Place.  The Candy Apples group not so much.  Could Kaya have been right all along?

But all the really good stuff was out back.

Leslie blew a nutty at Abby for telling her to shut up in front of the entire auditorium.  One of those major league nutties that you only see when someone cuts in front of you at Costco on a rainy Sunday afternoon. Git out m’way, beeotch.


You Shut Up No You Shut Up No You Shut Up.

They kept repeating that over and over as the credits rolled.

Nothing like another relaxing trip to Ohio, I always say.

Vivi-Anne.  Gimme some of them Cheetos.  I’m stressing out.

And get me outta here.  Now.

Who’s excited to go back to Pittsburgh?



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