Posts Tagged ‘ALDC Junior Select Ensemble’

Dance Moms: It’s Kidz Bop And Death Drops When Shangela Returns To The ALDC. But What Happened To Abby?

Friday, July 10th, 2015




I know, right? That chick is wearing pigtails again. Isn’t she the same age as Miley Cyrus now?






No, I’m serious. Is somebody gonna move this gold statue? It’s starting to freak me out.






I don’t remember yo Mama’s hair being so on point the last time. It’s Chica Mica on Fleeka. Halleloo!























I swear to Gawd I’ll block my own mom on Twitter if she screws up my hair again next week.



mm (1)



Just so we clear. When you’re this Fabulous, even yo’ fleek is on fleek. Mmmkay, girl?





Anybody there?

Can you hear me?  Anybody?


1407167638732Carmen Sandiego?

carmen_sandiegoAbby Lee Miller?

Insider-Abby-Lee-Dance-MomsWhere the hell is everybody?

Not on Dance Moms, that’s for sure.

It was quiet this week in City of Angels.  Eerily quiet.

Probably because Abby Lee Miller was gone.

Not RIP gone.  Sorry.  Don’t get your hopes  up, all you people on Twitter who spend more time worrying about a reality television show than about what you’re gonna feed your own kids for dinner tonight.  You know who you are.  And don’t some of you have jobs or new grandkids or…I dunno…television remotes with a channel-changer button?

(Got that weekly rant out of the way extra early this time.  I feel better already.)

I mean MIA gone.

Like nowhere to be found.

And she took the Pyramid of Shame with her, apparently, because as soon as the credits rolled we were already 17 stories up in the 3rd Street Dance Studios wondering where everybody was and how Mackenzie already has over 2 million Instagram followers.


Seriously.  Did you see her laying there on the floor clicking smiley faces and “like” hearts while everyone else was worried that Abby’s lifeless body could be laying in a ditch somewhere under the northbound 14 overpass?  😂 Hysterical.  We ♥ Mackenzie.

Or MackZ.  Or MackenzieBoo.  Or whatever her name is this week.

Even the Moms were having issues with Abby’s no-show status.  Especially my MomCrush Jill, who was justifiably concerned that Abby’s absence could adversely effect the upcoming seven day celebration known as Kendall Vertes Week.

Drinking Game Alert:  Slam one back every time Jill mentions that it’s “Kendall’s Week” and then find yourself a nice park bench somewhere to sleep off that bender.  I dare you.

Side note:  The way she was going on and on about it, I was a little concerned that banks and post offices would be closed during this newly christened national observance, because I always wait till the last minute to cash my payroll check and then try to float rent every month.  But false alarm…they’re open.  Just be aware that buses and subways are running on a limited holiday schedule.

Speaking of.  Jill, I mean.  Not me bouncing checks…

Jill Vertes Fashion Watch: Honestly, I don’t even remember what she wore this week because I was too busy trying to keep track of all the hairstyles that kept popping up on my screen like Mackenzie emojis.  I mean…whoa.

There was NewBigHair Jill.


And AerosmithGroupieRockerChick Jill.


And ShortHairWithFrostedSideSweptBangs Jill.


And I don’t even know what this thing is so I’ll just call it PTABakeSaleFlashback Jill.


How’d she get all them fancy hairstyles in one week?  How does that even happen?

I mean, I know how it happens with a Pretty Growing Hair Barbie if you inappropriately stick your finger up under her pink Mad Men dress, find her belly button…button…and yank on her ponytail like you’re snatching somebody’s weave in a Target parking lot.

But how does all that happen to a real human being in 60 minutes?

(Forty two minutes if you subtract all the Magic Mike XXL commercials.  I’m starting to think that Lifetime ladies are just dirty girls like the rest of us.)

It was like somebody was using the same CGI special effects you always see in action hero movies or something.  Like she’s really just wearing one of those old lady bathing suit caps and they’re green screening her hair on during every talking headshot.  Not that seeing Jill shoot laser beams out of her eyes would be a bad thing, of course.  It might be even cooler than watching her throw a shoe while wearing a cowboy hat in 3D.

But I doubt it.

One….Yes.  Kendall’s Mom IS pretty much my hero.  And Two…Please don’t tell me I’ve been crushing on an imaginary LucasFilm Jar Jar Binks Jill all this time.

Side note:  It’s true.  I love Jill almost as much as she used to love me until I started stalking her online and retweeting this MomDance gif every other week.


Side note 2:  Kidding.  Stalking is bad.  This gif on the other hand?  Hilarious.

Side note 3:  No.  I did NOT play with Barbie dolls when I was little.  My sister did, thank you very much.  I was all about Captain Action back in the day.  Did you know that his Spider-Man costume in mint condition now goes for enough bank on eBay to cover all that rent I’ve been bouncing?  Keep your toys in the original packaging, kids.

Trust me.  Just do it.  Never play with your toys ever.  Sacrifice your childhood.


Anyway.  Where were we?

Oh, yeah. A Programming Note:  For tonight’s performance, the role of Abby Lee Miller will be played by Gianna Martello and her ombré highlights.  Please do enjoy the show.

Since there was no Abby in the hizzle, we zoomed right past the Pyramid and let “G” assign solos.  Cuz that’s what the Moms call her, you know.  G.  Cuz she’s so gangsta.

Like a G-6.  Sippin on sizz.  Imma make it fizz.  Poppin bottles at the crib.  Google it.

To shake things up at the competition this time, EVERYONE  was getting assigned solos.

Wha–?  That’s crazy.  Everyone?  So not only was it Kendall’s Week…but it was also Solo Week!  Which means that for the next month and a half we’re going to hear the word “Nationals” so many times you’re gonna want to pull out your own Ariana Grande clip-on by the time we get to the Reunion Show.

Brace yourself.  The Road to Nationals begins now, folks.

We’ll cover who got what solo at some point, I’m sure…but right now we needed to scoot over to the recording studio and see what sort of Fabulousness my boy Mikey Minden was about to spray in our unprotected faces, because it was time for The Artist Formerly Known As Just Nia to put on a funky chapeau and get working on her new rap song.


Clearly, this #StarInYourOwnLife Acela train is showing no signs of slowing down any time soon, so you might want to secure those Louis Vuitton carry-ons in the overhead compartments before anyone gets hurt.

This week, Mikey fabulously hugged everyone and then fabulously introduced us all to Music Producer Andrew and some very nice lady with no name when Nia and Holly arrived for a Skype call with singer Coco Jones.

You remember Coco.  She sang a song on that Dance Moms Holiday Special right before Abby gave Nia Sioux all those pots and pans and told her to get back into the kitchen and bake her a cake.  Coco also hosted that sleepover slumber party thingamabob where all the ALDC girls ate too much candy and then tried to see who could text a boy fastest with one hand.

Coco was also on some Disney something or other movie, because that’s kind of a thing with this show lately.  I blame Todrick Hall.  Who’s awesome, BTW.

Basically, Nia and Coco Skyped and got all excited to meet up soon while Holly just sat back and made a bunch of ProudMama HollyFaces.

We love Holly.  When she gets excited she just needs to watch what she’s doing, though, because she almost slipped in some of the Fabulousness that Mikey dripped on the floor.

Back at the temporary ALDCLA, the Moms were still wondering if Abby would ever show up again after last week’s massive blowout with Kira.  Jill was concerned that Abby was neglecting her duties as Kendall’s manager (…especially important during this National Kendall Week when her new single was dropping on iTunes…) and I was concerned that if Abby never returned, the last thing I would remember was seeing her in a bra.


So there’s that.

Side note:  I think I forgot to mention that Kira and Kalani came back after storming off to Arizona last week.  And that JoJo with the BowBow was performing at Disney’s Kidz Bop this week, whatever that is.  And that I saw Abby Lee Miller in a bra.

Because I did.  And still do.  Even when I close my eyes.

Side note:  As each girl rehearsed their respective solos, I hope everyone was paying close attention to all the subtle zingers that Gianna was tossing at their heads like grenades.  You haven’t won lately?  You got beat by who last time?

Jessalynn Hilarity Scale:  Best.  SideEyes.  Ever.


And then this happened.


Shangela Laquifa Wadley arrived, bitches.

IMG_1231Halleloo!  Nia’s Death Drop Mentor busted through the door just like I do when my skinny jeans still fit on a Monday.  And the crowd went wild.

Remember back in Season One when Shangela first taught Nia her signature move and almost gave the kid an aneurism?  That was a moment for the Time Capsule.

This time, Holly had called up Shangela for help with Nia’s rapping skills.  Because, I mean, what good mother doesn’t have at least one drag queen on speed dial for just such an occasion, right?  You never know when you might need to lay down an eight count bar or duct tape a leaky pipe.

Are you kidding me?  Shangela on speed dial?  First Mikey Minden and then Aubrey O’Day and now Laquifa What?  Can I just live in Holly’s iPhone for one day, please?


Shangelas was all like flippin’ it.

tumblr_nr54r3B1yO1tb8iyko2_500And posin’ it.sw1And werkin’ it.

tumblr_nr54r3B1yO1tb8iyko4_500And giving me so much Life that I just ’bout did this on my living room floor…


To help Nia Sioux channel her Inner Snoop Dog, Shangela had brought along a blinged-out necklace that was kind of a cross between Flava Flav‘s clock and one of those tiny DIY chalkboards they sell at Crate & Barrel to identify what kind of cheese balls you’re serving at a party.

After ceremoniously placing it around her neck, Shangela and the the Royal Family of Frazier announced that, from this day forward throughout the land, Nia Sioux’s rap name would be Chica Mica.  All hail Chica Mica.

Whose eyebrows are on Fleeka.

Foshizzle, Jill was groovin’ on the dope a** beat dropz, but she didn’t seem very happy that Shangela was taking up valuable studio time during National Kendall Week.  Let’s just say that it was an issue for the remainder of the episode and keep it moving.

Side note:  There was also a lot of discussion surrounding whether or not Melissa knew where Abby was this week, what she was up to and why she wasn’t answering her cellphone.  I guess some friends of the Ziegler Familia had gone out with Abby the night before but refused to turn her over to the authorities, so Melissa stuck with the story that she had no idea what happened to Abby and then (…according to Kira…) somehow ended up calling herself a liar before running out of the room.m1

Melissa also firmly stuck to the story that all the other Moms were being big bitches before she slammed the door.  Honestly, I was too busy thinking of words that rhymed with ‘Fleeka’ to really know what was happening for a few minutes.

Finally, it was Showtime!  And time to fix that nasty gash in the Sheer Talent backdrop.

You see that thing?  It looked like a human head went through it during some frantic acro jazz flip gone awry at the last competition.  Sheer Talent keeping it klassy with a giant bandaid and some pink paint.  That’s how they do.

Sorry.  Not even close, folks.  So not cool.  Especially since it was right down there where all the kids were crawling and flipping and flopping all day.

Side note:  I’m pretty sure that if they can give Jill Vertes 23 different hairdos in one episode, somebody could have pixelated out that eye sore in post-production.

Kalani’s ‘Reign’ choreography fit her perfectly.  Plus she looked like one of the ladies you always see on a deck of cards in Vegas, so bravo.  Mackenzie performed to ‘SuperStar’ in an attempt to get her to stop dancing “so little” even though somebody gave her more kindergarten hair again.  One step forward.  Two pigtails back.

National Kendall Week continued with a ‘Welcome To My Life’ introspective routine that Jill wasn’t loving from the second it hit the stage, mostly thanks to Abby’s lack of support.  Nia Sioux had much better luck with her ‘House of Voodoo’ performance, thanks in part to a crazy good costume and Skeletor makeup.  And mad talent, of course.


Maddie was head to toe gold spray paint during her ‘Golden Girl’ dance, which was ok I guess, though I had hoped for more of an homage to Sophia, Blanche, Rose and Dorothy.

And then some kids won some stuff.  And right before Nationals, too.

MackZ took First Place and then finally took out those stupid pigtails.  Kendall snagged Third, Maddie came in First, Nia scored Second (…which was huuuuuge according to Mom…) and Kalani was back on top with First Place.

I probably forgot to mention that there were 27 different age categories, which is why none of that scoring probably made any sense.  My bad.

Maddie did manage to get Abby on her cellphone at some point after the awards were handed out, but it was pretty insignificant so I can’t remember much of what they said.  Abby sounded all messy, tho.

And then the Moms fought some more.

Nothing compared to last week, because everyone kept their tops on.  But Jill still got mad at Holly for taking advantage of opportunities.

Which made Holly get all like…



And then it was Jill’s turn to say “I’m Done!” before heading out the door with two roly poly suitcases that kept tipping over.  Five seasons later and I swear that slapstick routine never gets old.  Wheelie luggage is just not meant for dramatic exits.

And that’s all I got for this week.  It’s over.

I think we drag (…queened…) this one out as long as we could.

So just go now, please.



Dance Moms: When It’s Abby vs. Kira, Hold On To Your Hard Hats And ALDC Tops…And Maybe Cover Your Eyes.

Wednesday, July 1st, 2015




So much yelling and crying and Mama Drama this week. But you know what? #BigHairDontCare.






I swear to Gawd my mother didn’t have that much hair on her head when we left the hotel. WTF?






Just keep drinking. As long as everyone thinks it’s coffee we can get through the day without a fight.







It was a nice dance, girls. But honestly, that topless woman running behind you is a bit distracting.






Officer Girard here. Put out an APB on Miller. We lost her, but at least she’s wearing a bra today.






Gurrrl. Mama’s ’bout to use somebody’s head to pound in nails and finish this pokey a** project






So much yelling and crying and Mama Drama this week. But you know what? #StreakOnFleek




Safety first.

Trust me on this one.

I realize it might mess up your new big hair, but you should all probably put on your complimentary Dance Moms logo hard hats before we get started this week.

And even though protective headgear is only an OSHA requirement when visiting active construction sites, in all honesty I would probably keep it on for the entire episode, just to be safe.  Because I have a feeling somebody’s gonna get hurt before we’re done here.

So, yeah.  Hard hats and supportive undergarments.  Just do it, please.

It’s now Week# IDon’tKnowWhat and Abby Lee Miller and Crew are still in California, still hoping for some big wins and still waiting on the completion of the still not ready for prime time ALDCLA MotherShip.

Slowest.  Construction.  Ever.

Side note:  For those of you who watch Real Housewives of Atlanta, I swear this pokey a** job site is another Chateau Shereè.  For those of you who don’t (…and what’s wrong with you, BTW?…) I swear this pokey a** job site is that pothole in front of your city’s elementary school that still hasn’t been repaired in over 6 years even though at least one kid a day bumps his head when the bus drives over it.  Every city has one.


The Good News:  The ALDCLA Clubhouse finally has a ceiling now.  That’s progress, right?  Enough so that Abby could finally bring the gang over to see how the construction was (…or was not…) progressing this week and get a tour of her new digs.

And to rush through the Pyramid of Shame: Sheetrock and Exposed Beams Edition.

According to the general contractor…

CAN'T STOP THE MUSIC, David Hodo (standing), 1980, © Associated Film Distribution…the project would be completed in three weeks and the ALDCLA could open for bidnezz.

Looking around the empty space with its open floor plan and 2×4 stud work still begging for insulation and union-compliant electrical work, it was hard to believe.  But he’s the general contractor, so I guess he’d know best.  The project was (…allegedly…) still moving forward.  Because you can’t stop the music, right?

cantstop02That was fun.

Ok.  One more, since you’re begging.


Now I’m done.

As Abby ran through the team’s latest list of losses, it was immediately obvious that Mackenzie was MIA.  Is it me, or do we need to attach some form of GPS locators on these Ziegler GirlZ lately?  I swear we’re gonna find one of them all alone just wandering the mean streets of Hollywood one night, looking for their Kids’ Choice Awards trophy.

And that worries me.

But speaking of.  MackZ was off filming an episode of Nickelodeon’s Nicky, Ricky, Dicky, Banana Fana Fo Ficky & Dawn Show, whatever the Fo F***y that thing is.

(I just got older right in front of you.  And I’m horrified.)

I guess it’s a pretty big dealio for anyone who’s never owned a black & white tv, because everyone was smiling and clapping and a few girls on Twitter got exceptionally wound up.  But all those smiles quickly disappeared as soon as Abby started in on the technical issues and blah to the blah from last week’s competition.

Issues which, according to my MomCrush Jill, could be easily addressed simply by having the girls take dance classes every day like they used to do back in PA.

Screeeeech.  I was wrong.  Stop.  The.  Music.

Jill Vertes Fashion Watch:  The Hair.  Lawd Almighty.  The Hair.

Now I know we got a glimpse of Jill’s new streaks and extensions and grown out/blown out ‘do last week, but this week was the Big Reveal.

No warning, tho.  Nothing.  Just all of the sudden Jill was all like…


…and my laptop overheated.

Mama V was Beat.  To.  The.  Gods.  Hunty.  Which is a good thing.  RuPaul says so.

After I splashed some cold water on my lap…top, we were back to the Pyramid Pics, which were dingle dangling off a piece of plywood like notices reminding you to wear steel toed boots when pouring concrete and to not hire minors for heavy lifting after 9pm.

Bottom of the Pyramid was home to Kendall, JoJo and Mackenzie.  The middle row was filled up with The Artist Formerly Known As Just Nia and Kalani.

Which meant that Maddie was back on top, even though she was still suffering from Ellen/Saturday Night Live/Sia burnout.  Luckily, taking the lead away from her baby sister helped score her some much needed Pyramid Points.

Abby’s Weekly Sia Chandelier/Elastic Heart/Big Girls Cry Reference:  These kind of happen all the time now.  Some pretty subtle.  Some right in yo’ face.  So I think it’s time to retire this gimmick, since it’s pretty much a given that somebody somewhere is going to mention it within the hour.

Plus, adding Pretty Little Liars to the list now is just too much typing.

It was fun while it lasted.

This week the gang was headed to Fresno, CA for the Believe Talent Competition, which Melissa looooves because she clapped and said so.

Kendall, Nia and Maddie all scored solos, which was good news all around.  The group routine was going to be a 1950s inspired musical theater number entitled ‘Dance Bop’, which Melissa also loved because she said so again.


I’m not sure if she was referring to the title or the actual dance stylings, but Melissa sure loves a lot of things.  Just not responding to my tweets, apparently.  Ahem.

Since everyone agreed that it was probably not in the kids’ best interests to be doing backflips in a studio with no retaining walls to keep them from rolling out into traffic, we all scooted back to 3rd St. Dance to rehearse this week’s routines.

As the girls got to doing their thang in the studio, the Moms were all back in that video monitor room getting fired up about the lack of dance classes being offered to the team.

Kira was (…Spoiler Alert: already…) exceptionally fired up and decided to call LA choreographer Tessandra Chavez.  Who just happened to be in her speed dial.  Just like how Aubrey O’Day is in Holly‘s speed dial.  And like how Maddie is in Shia Labeouf‘s speed dial.  And like how I’m in nobody’s.

Tessandra is the choreographer to the talent show stars.  She’s done America Idol,  SYTYCD, X Factor and even Abby’s Ultimate Dance Competition back when Kira and Jessalynn used to punch each other out at that glue gun crafting table every week.

While we’re on the topic…this week’s Jessalynn Hilarity Scale:  I swear she’s gonna make me wet the bed before the season is over.  If she tours with Kathy Griffin this fall I’m going to have a stroke.


Personally, I remember Tessandra for having bangs that are cut too short.  But that’s just a thing with me that I’ve never been able to get past since my first bowl cut in kindergarten.

Anyway.  Calling another choreographer and asking her to teach a class at another director’s studio without asking any permission whatsoever before you make the call.

What could possibly go wrong?

Side note:  Abby left the building right around now to go pick out some carpet swatches at Home Depot.  Because, you know.  Carpeting is key if you’re building a padded cell.

The next day, the girls hit their solos and it even smelled like they hadn’t been to a technique class since they left Pittsburgh.  And don’t get Abby started on sitting on yoga balls.  Honestly, I don’t even think she remembered to pack them she’s been such a mess lately.  But in her defense, they probably sell yoga balls at the gas station in California, cuz that’s kind of their thing.  That and rollerblading and just being LA Fab.

There was also a little sniglet about stretching classes and the lack thereof, but every person in that studio is more flexible than I am so we’ll move right along.

To when Tessandra showed up the next day.

Of course it was drama.  Of course there was no security and of course Tessandra managed to climb 12 flights of stairs and walk right past 53 camera guys and whoever it is that keeps giving Gianna those ombré highlights.  And of course Abby pretended that she had no idea who she was when Tessandra walked in.

But all that really mattered was Holly’s face.  I mean…c’mon.  Look.

tc (1)

I don’t know if she was reacting to the bangs, the outfit or the fact that Abby was pretending to have no clue who this woman was…but it doesn’t matter.

It was Classic HollyFace.

If this was an animated show, Holly’s eye balls would’ve popped out on bouncy springs.

Needless to say, it didn’t go well and Tessandra turned right around and left the building.  Hopefully her Uber was still idling curbside, because if she paid for parking she must have been pulling her short hair out when the cameras stopped filming.

Side note:  Melissa talked to Maddie outside for a few minutes while she (…Melissa, not her kid…) was holding a silver can all covered up with black duct tape.  I’m going to assume it was a Diet Coke because I don’t think even Melissa can slam a Colt 45 at 10am.  We love Melissa and Holly.  I think I forgot to say that this week.

Finally, it was Showtime!  And Critique On Stage Time again!

Yup.  Believe was one of those newfangled competitions where you dance and then stand on your SecretSoda tape mark and get immediate feedback from the judges.

Not gonna lie.  I got a pretty excited thinking that maybe Rachelle Rak was gonna be back biting some apples and jumping out of her chair like a Price Is Right lady again.

That bitch is crazy.  We heart her.


But no such luck.  This time the judge was a very nice lady in a pink outfit who had hair like you see in Bridal magazines.  She was nice, but not even close to being worthy of a trademarked ‘Sas’ tee shirt.

All three solos went well and got fairly good feedback.  They all did a great job if you ask me, but Nia looked amazeballs in her silver costume.  Knowing how she werk’d that #StarInYourOwnLife music video, I secretly wish Abby would finally just admit defeat and give my girl some kind of Rhythm Nation lyrical routine that I promise will make everyone’s head explode.

And speaking of.  You might want to put your hard hats back on.

Because backstage after the solos, it all went downhill.  Fast.  Like Abby vs. Kelly fast.

Except it was Abby vs. Everyone fast.  And then Abby vs. Kira DeathMatch fast.



The Moms pointed out that every critique received from the pink judge with the fancy hair only reaffirmed their concerns that the ALDC team was not getting enough technique classes now that they were in LA.  Which Abby processed as overstepping boundaries and criticizing her skills as a dance teacher.

Even Nia tried to explain that they all want the same things, but Abby shut her down before she even finished her first sentence.  Then Kira piped up, saying something about balance and bringing some PA to LA.  (Which I’m pretty sure has never been uttered by anyone ever in the history of ever…ever.)


Abby said she doesn’t like “Mommies playing dancing school.”

And then BOOM went the dynamite.  And the waterworks.

Kira:  “Well I’ve done it for 14 years and that’s why my child is the dancer she is.”

Abby started crying.  Everyone was like ‘What’s Happening?’  The girls all rushed to Abby’s side with kisses and huggies, which she rejected like a true Toddlers & Tiaras princess.  Just like this…


Except for Maddie.  She took Maddie’s hugs.


Kira lost her nutty.  Don’t you dare.  Abby lost her nutty.  Call MattyB.  You’re kid would rather be with any other Mother here than you.

Wait.  What?

Kira chased Abby into the hallway, screaming for Kalani to come back so they could leave.

Special shout out to what I guess were two catering people or something who were coming up the stairwell and got caught in the cross fire.  One jumped over the railing and the other one just put her head in the corner like some self-imposed Timeout.  Did you see that?  I wish their faces hadn’t been blurred out.  Hilarity in the middle of all this tragedy.

Christi…I mean Kira…was done.  DONE.  (Srsly.  Has any Dance Mom not said that yet?)

Abby crossed the line and said she doesn’t want Kalani hanging around with somebody like Kira who is sleeping with a man she’s not even married to and…

Wait.  What?

Melissa told Kira to get back inside the room.  Kira told Melissa to go to Hell for some reason.  Holly shoved every kid she could find into the secret bagel curtain room like the building was on fire.  Dr. Holly activated full HollyMode.

Side note:  Remember when Holly took charge after Kelly slapped Abby?  It was just like that.  Once a flight attendant, always a flight attendant, I guess.  Everyone to the nearest exits!  Bring your blow-up vests!  And that bag of gummy bears!  Go!  Go!  Go!

Side note:  Was it just me, or were there a lot of men walking in and out of that back doorway that was clearly labeled women’s dressing room?  Didn’t anybody try to stop them or was everyone more concerned with those two cafeteria people who were still trying to get back downstairs?

You’re not gonna believe what happened next.

Abby busted back out into the room just wearing her bra for some reason.  I swear.  Just her bra.  And she was all like…


Or maybe it was more like…

abBut, whatever.  It was a bra.

Kira was all like WHOA.  Hold up.

kgJill swallowed her gum and yet still looked amazing.jb

Jessalynn totally got all…

giphy copy

Holly didn’t say it or do it, but you know she was thinking it.

hfwAnd Melissa’s eyes burned so bad she got hysterical blindness like on General HospitalmbSupposedly there’s some urban myth that Abby always swore to take her top off if she didn’t want to get filmed.  Or beat up.  Or who knows.  The internet went spaz and somebody screamed to take the cameras off Abby’s underwire.

Or maybe that was just the Inner Voices in my head.

I dunno.

All I know is that all the people that hate this show kept watching and then talked smack online until I got too tired to creep them.  Why are they still on this channel again?

Don’t you have jobs?  Or books?  Why do we have to have this discussion every week?  Most of you are old enough to go to an R-rated movie by now.  Gah.

Side note:  I forgot to mention that when Abby first came into the room with just her ALDC or E cups hanging out that she was accompanied by some gentleman with his face all blurred out like their double wide trailer had just been raided by the PoPo on COPS.

You see dat?  The PoPo.

You can’t make this stuff up.

Well, I can.  But you can’t.

I don’t even know what happened after that.


Abby left.  Mackenzie showed up somehow.  Does she have her license now?  How’d she even get there?  I’m so traumatized I can’t even find a good picture of Mackenzie right, so just look at JoJo in her yellow outfit.  She’s cute.

The group dance happened without Abby and then ended up only coming in Third Place.  Like Maddie, who also came in Third Place with her solo.  Melissa clearly doesn’t love Third Place as much as she loves a good 1950s doo wop.

Nia took 4th.  Kendall took 5th.  It was just not a good day all around.

And then it was over.

Q.  Will Abby walk through the door tomorrow?

A.  Probably.  But hopefully with her top on.

I’m exhausted.

And so done.


Or like Abby said when she disappeared into the sunset…




Dance Moms: When It Comes To MDP Drama, You Know The West Coast Is The Best Coast. Abby vs. Erin…Again.

Friday, June 26th, 2015




Grandma ’bout to go off on that little girl back there who’s tryna steal your pink bow/side pony look.






What? That noise? I’m sorry. I can’t hear you over the sound of my hat being so awesome.






So you just spray the s*** out of it and then rat it all up? I’m totally trying this on my kids tonight.






First I lose the receipt for the doll. Then that crazy chick cuts all the hair off. What the–?







Look, honey. I had a baby while you were dancing…and she looks just like a tiny Priscilla Presley.






I swear to Gawd. These people. Not even that much common sense. Am I asking too much?






I don’t know who writes this thing, but I swear it’s a lawsuit waiting to happen. Hashtag: TotalCrap.




Today’s off-topic Dance Moms lesson:  Geography.

Specifically, the states over on the right side of the map.

They are part of what is called the East Coast, which is generally defined as those states bordering the Atlantic Ocean, although Vermont does not actually touch water and only a very small part of Pennsylvania does.  I mean, like very small.

Like I had to enlarge the Google Map five times just to see if I was being punk’d by Wikipedia.  I swear, it’s the tiniest little piece of land evah that apparently meets the Delaware Bay way down at the bottom somewhere and probably maxxes out at 27 people on a good beach day.

But it counts as the Atlantic Ocean somehow.  And that’s all that matters, because not only does it qualify Pennsylvania as an Eastern State by default, but it also makes the following East  vs. West hip hop rivalry comparison almost make sense despite the excessive amount of time it took to actually get to the point.

Almost.  The More You Know.

The Notorious B.I.G vs. 2Pac?

Forget it.   ah

I’m talking the new East Coast vs. West Coast.

The ALDC vs. MDP, yo.  

Abby Lee Miller vs. Erin Babbs.

With Ms. Miller and her team finally, kinda sorta relocated to Los Angeles in anticipation of what has thus far been only an imaginary unicorn named ALDCLA, the Moms and girls were already hunkered down at 3rd St. Dance bracing for their 3rd Straight Face-off with Erin’s Murrieta Dance Project as soon as the credits rolled.

As the girls all stretched out in some random room that I swear had giant bags of restaurant rice and a case of 16 oz party cups sticking out of the closet door (…did you see that?  What was all that stuff behind Mackenzie‘s head?…) Maddie was still having trouble digesting the fact that she had come in second to her own sister at last week’s Center Stage competition in Anaheim.

Side note:  Personally, I was still having trouble digesting the fact that every one of these girls is already shlepping around their own Louis bag when they still have baby teeth.  But I digress.  And it’s not like I want one for myself, because I don’t.  I’m more of a Burberry Charcoal Check kind of guy, even though today I brought my lunch to work in a GNC bag.

But still.  Duh.  Louis Vuitton.  Haters gonna hate hate hate.


Side note 2:  That is also totally how I picture the fake Louis factories that make those knock-off bags they sell in Times Square, even though I have no proof whatsoever that they actually employ child laborers.  But, c’mon.  Tons of kids with no shoes on, crawling around the floor, surrounded by a million Louis Vuitton bags with the stuff all falling out of them.  Go back and watch that scene again.

And then contact my lawyer if I’m lying.

The two little Ziegler SisterZ went a few rounds until Maddie grabbed Mackenzie by the base of her neck the same way Hulk Hogan used to do right before he slammed ‘Macho Man’ Randy Savage‘s face into the corner post of the wrestling ring.   I’m pretty sure she was about to bear hug the oxygen out of her lungs in the name of sisterly love until Abby broke it up for the Pyramid of Shame.

Saved by the Yell.

Bottom of the Pyramid was home to Kendall, JoJo and The Artist Formerly Known As Just Nia.  The Middle tier was taken up by Kalani and Maddie, because Kalani had been just meh last week and Maddie had nearly shattered the Time Space Continuum by losing to somebody and then making a scrunchy face while she checked her Instagram likes.

Which left the top spot wide open for MackZ.  Applause all around.


This week the gang was headed to Fierce Talent Competition in Calabasas, CA.  But before Abby could even hand out solos, JoJo piped up and announced that her Grandma, who was battling Stage 4 colon cancer, was flying all the way to LA just to see her dance.

So could she, you know…get a solo?  Not to be greedy, but because she loves her Grandma.  And it could be the last time she gets to see her dance.

And because cancer sucks.

Needless to say, everyone got a little sniffly.  Yes.  Even Abby.  Who got all like…


…and immediately gave JoJo with the BowBow a SoLo, no questions asked.

But then she got all like…


…and immediately kicked her out of the group routine so she could focus on that solo.  So Cindy Lou…Who…knows how that lady thinks sometimes.

Kendall scored the remaining solo, which would be the one she was supposed to perform two week prior when Abby had no-showed with the no-costume.  With an additional 14 days to rehearse, that thing better be perfect by now.  Understood?

The group dance, entitled ‘Voices In My Head,’ would be led by Mackenzie even though it was supposed to have gone to Maddie.  But Maddie lost last week.  So there you go.

Let the punishment fit the crime.

Abby’s Weekly Sia Chandelier/Elastic Heart/Big Girls Cry Reference:  The first one was very subtle, but by the middle of the show it was all about the SiaFace.  And The MaddieFace.  And even (…Spoiler Alert!…) The MackenzieWhateverFace.


As the girls got to rehearsing and the Moms headed out to that mystery room with the satellite feed, we scooted over to join the MDP crew for an outdoor bootcamp class that was being held uncomfortably close to the edge of the LA Freeway.

Srsly.  You see that?  The Moms were literally watching it from the breakdown lane.  One bad backward crab crawl and somebody could have ended up being the lead story on last night’s KTLA news.  And they were on an incline fercryinoutloud.  Does Lifetime not even have a legal department anymore?

Speaking of getting sued.  The MDP group routine was going to be a full-on Abby-bash called ‘Monster Under The Bed’ that got all the girls diabolically giggling the minute Erin diabolically announced her diabolical plan.

Not gonna lie.  Because they all have the exact same MDP hair and MDP face, it was a little spooky when they all started to MDP laugh at the same time.

MDP of the Corn.  Google it.

Back at 3rd St., Abby was putting Mackenzie through the hoops with her group dance lead role.  A little rough, but she threw her a bone once in awhile.  In a backhanded compliment kind of way, she even acknowledged that “Your dance was very pretty…”

“…for you.”


Good thing a commercial came on after that one.

Side note:  Except that it was the same kid in two different commercials.  F’real.  With two different sets of parents.  Like my head isn’t already spinning during this show.  Especially when tonight’s episode of Dance Moms was brought to you by Sea World, which made no sense at all.  (Remember the vintage episode where Kelly Hyland called Abby ‘Shamu’ because she was wearing a black and white ensemble that looked like it came with a whale spout?)

I really don’t remember much after this point, so I’ll be making stuff up as we go.

The next stop was lunch with Jessalynn, JoJo and Grandma Cathy.  Who.  We.  Love.

It was a short scene, but so positive and so full of SiwaLove that you couldn’t help but get a little misty.  Grandma has the best attitude and best smile and by the time JoJo started to cry I may or may not have gotten some dust in my eyes that made me blink.

Really fast.


Jessalynn Hilarity Scale:  Even when she’s talking about two kinds of cancer, chemo and waiting for a waitress who’s taking waaaaay too long to show up with the drinks, Jessalynn just gives me side cramps.  I wish I could remember the exact day when she went from nut-job to stand-up, because she is a riot.

(Spoiler Alert:  And quite a fashionista when it comes to accessories, I must say.)

Real quick:  Erin gave some little MDP nugget named Caylie a solo and almost made her hyperventilate.  Really.

And then Jessalynn put on her Big Girl Hat.

576563672 Ok.  It was more like this, maybe…

h1 (1)But it was awesome.

And made no sense whatsoever.  Which made it even more awesome.

Even my MomCrush Jill was all like WhatTheHell’sThatOnYou’reHeadGurl?” even though she only thought it and didn’t really say it out loud.  But you could totally tell just by the way her hands were going everywhere.  Her Bump-It even fell out half way through the scene she was so traumatized.

jOr maybe jealous.  Because you know how Mrs. Vertes loves her headgear.

This whole show does, actually.  Even though the kids can’t keep a hat on their head to save their lives during a performance, the Moms do love their dome decor.

Remember Engineer Jill?  All aboard the Vertes Express.  Toot Toot.

d5Or Sick Of This S*** Cowboy Jill?  Where’d my other shoe go?

d12 And don’t forget Dapper Chapeau Jill.  ‘Ello, Gov’na.

d23And you know how Dr. Holly always likes a good topper that can go directly from a morning of backyard gardening to Coachella.  She doesn’t wear them much anymore though, now that her hair is so on point.  We love Holly.  Did we mention that already?

dance-moms-season-5-episode-6-holly-hatAnd this hat, of course, which has nothing to do with anything.  But it’s faaabulous.

That wasted enough time that we need to skip right to the MDP again to catch up on their American Girl Abby Dance.  Because that’s what it was now.

Erin had dropped by the Galleria and picked up one of those Revolutionary War dolls that the other Moms were pimping out into an Abby Lee Miller bouffant.  As hilarious as that was, the really hilarious part was that Erin gave it to a Mom who looked exactly like the doll.  Who was sitting next to another Mom who looked exactly like the first Mom who looked exactly like the doll.

Not gonna lie.  I may have momentarily lost track of which one was actually getting their hair teased into one of those Jack It To Jesus poofs because there was so much activity going on behind the scenes.

And I’m being serious.  I challenge you to tell me which one of these plucky brown-haired chicks comes with a Colonial dress and a comic book:


Back at the ALDCLA (…to nobody’s surprise…) Abby replaced Mackenzie as the lead in the group dance with Maddie at the very last minute.  I guess a First Place Face still trumps a Second Place Dance when it comes to competition day.

Side note:  The Moms had the same ‘Stick Up For Your Kids’ discussion with Melissa they had last week, so we can skip right over this latest one to save some time.  Plus, you know how I go out of my way to avoid all the dramzzz that everyone else seems to love on Twitter.

Side note numero dos:  Speaking of.  How do these people have that much time to tweet and retweet and smack talk and talk smack about a television show when I can’t even get my recaps out on a timely basis?  Don’t you have jobs?  Or new grandkids?  Or cable?

Here’s a thought:  Hate the show?  Change the channel.  You’re welcome.  I just saved you at least one hour a week.  Think how productive you can be now.

Finally, it was Showtime!

Jill Vertes Fashion Watch:  Knowing that she couldn’t compete with Jessalynn’s Big Girl Hat this week (…I mean…who could, really?  You see that thing?…) Mama V had been laying low until the bus pulled into Calabasas to unleash her new multi-colored, multi-striped MTV meets Get Your Hair Did With Your Kid Day meets I don’t know what Aerosmith hair in her confessional shot.

I heart Jill so hard.  Rock on, bitches.

But like her new ‘do, I’m gonna need a week to process.  Remind me next episode.


Now let’s wrap this bad boy up.  Warp speed.

Erin showed up with a cluster of Welcoming Committee balloons right after Kira knocked over that fabric partition contraption that always hides all the bagels.  No clue what Kalani’s mom was doing back there, but thankfully she still had her clothes on when the divider fell over or I’d be coughing up coins for Lifetime’s new Adult Pay-Per-View.

Abby had Maddie go out into the wings and pretend that she was warming up for a non-existent solo, just to make poor Caylie start hyperventilating for the second time in as many days.  It worked, but I’m pretty sure Erin has some MDP-branded inhalers in her dance bag.  Everything else had a logo on it.


JoJo did a great job on her solo, but didn’t place.  But it didn’t matter.  She danced for her Grandma and everybody cried.

Even Abby admitted that it wasn’t about winning.

It’s true.  I had to rewind that part just to make sure I heard her correctly.  She said it.

Kendall’s solo only scored Second Place, which would have been ok if she hadn’t been sitting on the choreography for two weeks.  Abby was not happy.

Unfortunately, the MDP’s MonsterMash beat the ALDC (…is it legit “–LA” yet?…) in the group category for the second time in three competitions.  And Abby hated that.  A lot.

Naturally, the whole thing spilled out into the hallways like a bar brawl and everyone got overheated.  Some MDP Mom had dropped an F-Bomb when Caylie wobbled in her solo and the ALDC Moms couldn’t stop talking about it.

Which led to something about how proud you must be of your MDP Mother.

Which led to some MDP Mom saying that Abby’s Mom must be so proud of her, too.

Which led to Abby pointing out that her Mom was dead.

Hashtag: Dead.

I got nothing after that.

Is it hot in here, or is it just California?


Doll down.


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