Posts Tagged ‘ALDC Junior Select Ensemble’

Dance Moms: Life Is Short. Stop And Smell The Hollywood Roses Or The Whole Thing Will Get A Little Prickly.

Wednesday, April 15th, 2015




I support Kendall. Unless she tries to wear my new Janet Jackson hair. Then it’s on, Girlfriend.






I got enough on my plate right now just dealing with the 3 hour time change and a side pony.






So I go to the salon and say “Give me the Ariana Grande” and now it’s like we’re twins, right?







Seriously. Now you know why I hang from the chandelier.







Trust me. The MDP ain’t scared of a few little pricks like you.



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I’m just saying if he tweets that video of me Mom Dancing one more time, I’m calling my lawyer.






So when you fall asleep with wet hair in Hollywood, they call it a Beachy Wave. Who knew?




You’re right.

That’s a lot of hair jokes in the first 30 seconds.

But that’s how it went down on Dance Moms this time around.

Between the never ending MamaDrama and the ever changing HairCare, there was a lot going on in Hollywood this week.  A lot.

So much so that if I wasn’t such a lazy couch potato I would totally go back to beauty school and get another degree, because there’s clearly a need for more qualified psychotherapists who can do a blow out.  And I think I’d be awesome at it.

But I love my Moms, regardless of any mood swings or fly aways.  So on with the show.

This week started out on the windy sidewalk in front of 3rd St. Dance studio as everyone filed in for the West Coast Pyramid of Shame.

Sasha Nia was rocking a new hip hop snapback and Honey Bow Bow Child JoJo had a clip-on that was bigger than the gift wrapping on the roof of that Prius in last year’s Toyota Christmas commercial.  I swear that little peanut’s headgear is either gonna stunt her growth or give her the neck strength of those guys who pull Monster trucks around the State Fair race track with their teeth.

Side note:  I need to know who Kira uses as a cell phone provider, because she’s always first with the download of any social media dirt.  Every time you turn around she’s all like LookAtMyPhoneGurl and then flashing a tweet or Facebook sumthin sumthin before anyone else can even get their phone out of their Louis.

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This time it was some smack talk from Erin Babbs and her Murrieta Dance Project, allegedly “looking forward to kicking some Pittsburgh booty” at this week’s competition.

Except they’re called MDP.  Because it’s Hollywood, baby.

If you don’t remember Erin and all the MDP hilarity that ensued when she hooked up with the Candy Apples a few weeks back, you’ll need to Google it yourself and research the details, because the MDP vinyl banner was dangling so crookedly on the MDP back wall that I just can’t right now.


Once they caught their breath after scaling the seven flights of stairs to the ALDC’s rented studio space, the girls had a quick discussion about Kendall‘s upcoming military music video and then quickly changed the subject before MackZ realized that jumping on a twin bed for three minutes doesn’t really compare to parachuting out of an actual Black Hawk helicopter as it explodes in mid-air on an 8-count techno beat.

Wear Em Out, gurrl.  Just Wear Em Out.

Abby does like to pick and choose her favorites on a weekly basis, don’t she?

Side note:  In her one-on-one Real Housewives confessional sniglet, my girl Nia was wearing her new music video hair.  Dang.  SuperLong.  SuperFly.

Miss Frazier, if you’re Nasty.

Spoiler Alert:  Did you see the clips from Nia’s own upcoming music video?

WERK.  All in caps, Miss Thang.  We love Nia.


This week, the ALDC team colors were white.  And white.  Whatever.

Bottom of the Pyramid was home to Nia, MackZ and JoJo.  Nia had some technique issues, MackZ got called out for something or other in the group dance and JoJo’s hair bow was so big that I just forgot what I was talking about.

Middle of the pack was all Maddie and Kalani.

Abby’s Weekly Sia Chandelier/Elastic Heart Reference:  Too late.  You missed it.  Abby snuck that one in when she pointed out that Sia doesn’t require any proper technique in her music videos and now Maddie can’t even remember how to do a je ne sais quoi.

Which meant that Kendall was on top!  And so excited.  We all were.  And next week was the taping of her music video.  Double the excitement!  Which was also the week that Nia was filming her own music video.  Triple the excitement!  Which meant that Nia should probably not assist in Kendall’s project becau——

And then Abby cut off Holly in the middle of her conversation just like that.

Girl, pleez.  Holly and I gave the best HollyFaces ever right then.  Both  of us.  You just couldn’t see mine.  But it was awesome.

Cut me off?  I don’t think so.  My BFF has a PhD.

This week the gang was headed to Riverside for another World-Class Talent Experience.  Kalani and Maddie both scored solos.

Abby’s New Implied Sia Chandelier/Elastic Heart Reference:  Maddie was going to be MIA again tomorrow because she would performing on the Ellen Show and unless she was doing card tricks or celebrity impersonations, it’s probably safe to assume that it was going to be a Sia dance.  So there you go.  Implied.


Side note:  Have you seen Ellen’s stuff that she sells on QVC?  Some of it’s cool.  Some of it’s a little countryfied for a city slicker like myself, but I’d still buy some if it was on Easy Pay.  I’ll never understand the whole battery operated timer phenomenon, tho.  I mean, if you’re seriously too lazy to get off the couch, walk over to the mantel and turn on your candle, then I think we have bigger issues here.

Personally, I blame the internet.  And blogs that take forever to get to the point.

Speaking of technology.  So even with my new iPhone 6Plus, iPad, MacBook Pro, Apple TV, two desk calendars and one of those magnetic thingamabobs from the grocery store that’s stuck on my refrigerator, I still somehow missed the notification that it was National Pick On Nia and Make Her Feel Like A Second Class Citizen Day.  Because apparently it was.  At least according to Abby.  Because she was relentless on my girl.

I wasn’t liking it one bit.  And neither was Holly.

(Take Kendall outside and shut the door in my face?  Really?)

But I love the way Holly supports Nia.  Especially when it comes to accountability and equal support for all the girls.  She doesn’t want all this music video hysteria to take away from the experience and the learning and the friendships within the team.

I also love how she ends everything on Twitter with #starinyourownlife.

I bet she totally talks like that in real life.

Buy milk.  Pick up dry cleaning.  Get my hair did.  Did you watch Scandal last night?

Hashtag: starinyourownlife.

If only it were that easy.  As the girls got to rehearsing and the Moms got to raising the Homeland Security Tension Level to Orange, we had just enough time to scoot across town to check in on the MDP and their crooked a** banner.


The girls were all tightly tanned-up and bunned-up (…as previously noted, I haven’t gone to beauty school yet, so I’m not certain that’s the correct term for all those matching Asia Monet Ray hairdos…) and were going through the choreography for their own group routine while Erin yelled at them and talked more cellphone smack about the ALDC.

I don’t think Erin smokes.  I just think she yells too much and could use a Ricola.

The MDP was using a big prop that was either the makeup table from RuPaul’s Drag Race or a bar from Hooter’s.  It was hard to tell.  Since the girls were doing some pretty fancy chair work it could have gone either way, I guess.

You can tell the MDP is all LA.  They look the part.

Back at the ALDC camp the next day, things got uncomfortably heated between Holly and my MomCrush Jill.

Turns out that Kendall, Maddie, Mackenzie and I don’t know who else all ended up hanging out with Todrick Hall the night before.  Like a sleepover or something, I guess.

Except Todrick is a youtube sensation.  And you’re not.

It wasn’t really clear who called who and why Jill just dropped her kid off in an unfamiliar city in the middle of the night without even asking any questions, or why Todrick always wears a Mickey Mouse hat.  But for some reason Nia was the only person not invited.

Well…Nia and me, actually.  Which was not cool at all.

Especially when we both cried ourselves to sleep.  FYI…I don’t like when people cry.

Especially Nia.  Or Kalani.  Or Maddie.  Or MackZ.  Or JoJo.  Or Kendall.


(And don’t even get me started on next week’s sneak previews already.  Holly crying inside some automobile?  No.  Not doing it.  Unless she caught her finger in the car door, I don’t even want to know what’s going on.  I’m already stressed out.)

I’ll let Todrick off the hook for this week, tho, because realistically nobody would be able to dial a phone wearing those big, floppy Mickey Mouse hands of his (…HellzYah I want Disney to pay MY rent, too…) but I’m not sure why somebody else couldn’t have just knocked on Nia’s hotel door and let her carpool.

Jill Vertes Fashion Watch:  Somehow, even when she stormed out of the room like Christi Lukasiak 2.0, she was still on point.  I was especially fond of her plaid blazer the next day when she and Holly kinda sorta made up a little.

Side note:  Where do they go when they keep running out of the room?  Do they just stand on the other side of the door and wait for someone to pull them back inside?  I was afraid Jill might end up wandering the streets and find herself back at Todrick’s again.

Or worse.  Rodeo Drive.  And her credit cards were in the hotel safe.

If you want to see the whole argument, you’ll need to rewind your DVR because you know how I avoid confrontation at all cost.

Melissa Ziegler-Gisoni Fashion Watch:  Digging the new Aria Grande look.  Since I’m sure you hang on my every word, let me just suggest that you wear your hair like that more often.  It’s a really good look.

Plus there’s less to catch on your eyelashes when you NervousBlink.

We love Melissa.  And she doesn’t hate me.  Yet.  So there’s that.

Side note:  The MDP had this tiny little squirt of a kid named Keara doing a solo.  She was really cute and ran in crazy circles around a tree throwing leaves up in the air like she just don’t care.  If this whole Dance Thing doesn’t work out, she already has the perfect misspelled name for Toddlers & Tiaras.


I think I left out the part where the ALDC girls were having a test run scotch-taping super long fake nails onto their little hands and using them to represent the thorns on a rose.  Which I guess would make more sense if I had also remembered to mention that the group dance was entitled ‘The Rose Garden.’

They were crazy nails.  Like those really, really long, completely non-functional jeweled-out acrylics that the ladies who hold up DMV lines insist on wearing while they try to pick up forms with their lobster claws.  You know who you are, gurrrrlzz.

Tapping them things on the counter ain’t gonna make me process your paperwork any faster, either.  So how ’bout you just take a number and tell your baby to stop crying.

Finally, it was Showtime!

The MDP had broken into the ALDC dressing room and tagged their makeup mirror with some lipstick graffiti welcoming them to the ‘hood.  Not only was it rude, but it was also last season’s color palette.

Melissa scrubbed that thing down like it was radioactive waste.

Maddies’ solo was great, overshadowed only by Abby’s crazy MTV Awards bracelet.  Did you see that thing?  When Lil’ Kim realizes you stole her bling, she gon’ be maaaaad.

Keara, not Kira, ran around in circles until she found a baby tree behind the big tree.  That kid can dance.  Look out when she’s tall enough to ride the rides at Universal.

Kalani followed that one with her own stellar solo.  I think her legs got longer this week.

Right around here, Lifetime snuck in a video clip commercial with all the ALDC girls spazzing out at last year’s Reunion Show having some kind of sleepover slumber party thing that got me so overly stimulated I ended up screaming “GO TO BED!” at my television screen.

Holy Sugar Buzz, Batman.  They were Instagraming and Instagram selfie screaming and having Instagram selfie contests while cartoon Instagram selfie word balloons were flying around like I don’t know what.  Like SpongeBob on selfie acid maybe.

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MackZ’s shoes even popped off.

The two group routines were both really well done.  The ALDC Rose Garden headpieces were so elaborate that I think my cable bill might go up next month.  Clearly the days of Kelly Hyland hot glueing beer can tabs onto the hem of Paige‘s tutus are long gone.

When the awards were finally handed out, it was ALDC all the way.

Not only did little Keara’s ‘Resurgence’ solo only come in 5th Place, but the emcee managed to completely F*** up the name and called it ‘Resurrance,’ which I totally misheard from the kitchen as ‘Sponsored by esurance.’ 

At this point, I don’t even know what makes less sense…the fact that Lifetime didn’t fix that goober in post-production, or that for a minute I actually thought Allstate gave a rat’s a** about lyrical dance on the LadyChannel.

Kalani took Second Place.  Maddie took First.  Bravo!

And then the ALDC shoved the MDP back down to Number Three in the group category by snagging the First Place spot right out from under them.

Everyone was going nuts.  JoJo even popped a fake nail right off and almost blinded some little kid who was chewing on one of those plaques they give everyone.

And then it was over.

Until next week, that is.  When it’s Battle of the Pop Stars: Part Two.

Video Wars.

Which will probably go a little sumthin like…

Hashtag:  YouKnow.


Dance Moms: The ALDC Is Werking It And Walking It Back To Hollywood For The Battle Of The Rising Pop Stars.

Wednesday, April 8th, 2015




Did she just say DALLAS? That was my favorite show. I totally need a selfie with Sue Ellen.






Whoa. Hold up, Grandma. I don’t care if you are Korean. Nobody touches the hair.






Psst. Just pretend you’re a drunk and your sister shot JR or we’ll never get out of here today.






And you think the racist Korean part doesn’t make any sense? What the **** is happening today?






Probably not as tired as you are of people still calling you ‘Demi Lovato’s Sister.’ We done?






If God wanted me to read contracts and credit card bills, He would’ve made the print a lot bigger.






We need to wrap this thing up and find a Dairy Queen. Mama’s blood sugar levels are dropping.




Werk It.  Walk It.

Werk It.  Walk It.

And while you’re at it, maybe you should Sign It.

Or at least Read It.  Because you’re in Hollywood now, baby.

Dance Moms was back on the West Coast again this week for ALDC LA: The Sequel.

After less than stellar results during their first trip to California, Abby Lee Miller and Co. had gone home, regrouped, rehearsed and reapplied spf50 and were now back in sunny CA with a reenergized vengeance for Round Two.  With dreams of First Place trophies, Pop Stardom and a franchise that would someday rival a Starbucks on every corner, Abby was looking to mark her turf in a big way this time around.

And nothing was going to stand in her way.

Except maybe the Pyramid of Shame.  Because that always takes priority, even when it’s relocated to the mirrors at the top of 3rd St. Dance Studios.  ALL the way at the top.

(Holy Leg Day, Batman.  You mean to tell me that Abby couldn’t have rented an empty room on the ground floor somewhere?  You see how many stairs they had to climb?  Six floors up and no elevator.  And you know Jill‘s Louis bag weighs a ton with all the crap she carries around on a daily basis.) nh

Jill Vertes Fashion Watch:  Speaking of.  Pretty low key this week due to the change in temperature from Pittsburgh to California.  Trust me, Los Angeles humidity doesn’t really lend itself to fur and feathers unless it’s Pride Week.  But Mama V was still getting it done, despite that one uncomfortable head shot confessional where the makeup girl put too much bronzer on her face and forgot the rest of her neck.  Anyone else see that?  But she’s my MomCrush and that makeup girl is out of a job now, anyway.

So, yeah.  Jill’s awesome.

As the gang caught their breath after scaling Mt. Staircase, somebody mentioned that Mackenzie had accompanied Abby around the city to scout out locations for the new ALDC studio.  Apparently Melissa has been secretly homeschooling her kid for a real estate license all this time in case the whole MackZ gangsta rap thing doesn’t work out.

Always have a back-up plan, kids.  The More You Know.

ALDC Fashion Watch:  Now the girls were all in teal ensembles.  Seriously?  Somebody needs to pick a color and stick with it, or my team mascot costume isn’t gonna make any sense when I unveil it at the Reunion Show.

Bottom of the Pyramid was nothing but Mackenzie flying solo.

The only thing worse than being on the bottom of the Pyramid is being the ONLY person on the bottom of the Pyramid.  Ouch.  But she can find you a duplex with walk-in closets and a view of the Pacific Ocean at below market rate.  So whatever.

The Middle Tier was home to Kalani, Nia and Kendall, which meant that the Top Spot was shared by JoJo and Maddie.


JoJo had taken First Place with her solo last week, while Maddie had not even been in the building.  But Saturday Night Live always trumps anything in the Real World.

Abby’s Weekly Sia Chandelier/Elastic Heart Reference:  Boom.  That was it.

This week the gang was headed to another New York Dance Experience (…in Anaheim, so the name made no sense whatsoever…) where they would once again be critiqued live on stage after each routine by a selection of judges with microphones.

Spoiler Alert:  Yaaaaaaas, Hunty!  I bit that apple and almost choked on it before spitting it back out.  The Sas was Back!  You just sit yo’self back down and wait until showtime.

After all the MattyB drama that ensued the last time they were in California (…resulting in Five Hundred QuaTrillion youtube hits and his own Toys ‘R Us spray cologne by now, no doubt…) all the Moms really hoped to start this trip with a clean slate.  There really wasn’t time for any unnecessary stress considering that Kendall and Nia were getting ready to shoot their first pop music videos and Maddie was still fighting jet lag after flying around the world on Shia LaBeouf‘s private concord.

The Battling Pop Stars both scored solos.  Kendall’s Waiting’ and Nia’s ‘Never Knew’ dance would put the girls head to head not only on stage but also on the iTunes download charts.  Everyone was pretty excited, I gotta say.

The group dance, called ‘Together We Stand’ was Abby’s attempt at pulling everyone back into one United State of Dance.  Putting a splintered ALDC team on stage during their previous Hollywood trip had definitely not worked out very well, so hopefully parading out one big happy family would score higher with the judges this time around.


Oh.  And did we mention that on Friday everyone was going to an Acting Seminar with Demi Lovato‘s sister Dallas?  OMG!

I know, right?  Demi Lovato’s sister.  Who was born in Dallas.  And her name is Dallas.

Shut.  Up.  It’s true.  Because it’s on the internet.  And she was the voice of some animal in some show about a Little Penguin which I’m sure was delightful.

Because penguins are delightful.  Especially little ones.

Needless to say, when Abby unleashed that bit of news on the girls everyone screamed and wet themselves faster than I would if Rachelle Rak ever followed me on Twitter.

Which she did.  And which I may have.  So there’s that, I guess.

As the girls all got down to dance biz, the Moms all headed next door to a fake MomPerch (…complete with a closed-circuit plasma screen like the ones they use in federal prisons…) to watch their kids rehearse and argue about the need for showbiz contracts.

Basically, there was a lot of creative control/legal mumbo jumbo back and forth between Holly and Jill for the remainder of the episode.  Nia had already begun her pop star bootcamp, so Holly was simply trying to pass on what she felt was valuable insider information, but unfortunately most of it just irritated Jill and made Melissa do that rapid eye blink thing she does when people start yelling around her.

Melissa wears contacts, right?  Didn’t we discuss that a long time ago?nh1

Let’s be honest.  The only thing that really mattered was when Abby came in and told Jill that she had already burned through $57,000 on Kendall’s career in just this month alone.

Fifty.  Seven.  With Three Zeroes after it.

Ok.  I just Googled “Gold Grills” and you can purchase what they call a starter grill for only $500.  So what the hell?

Side note:  My search history now includes WhoIsDallasLovato, MattyB videos, shows on Nickelodeon, glitter spandex, oversized hair bows for crazy little girls, the weather during Pride Week, HowHotIsItInsideTeamMascotHeads, gangster rap and cheap gold grills.

I’m so going to jail if Chris Hansen ever finds my hard drive.

Quick.  Let’s lighten the mood and go visit Mikey Minden, Nia’s video choreographer.

Who.  Is.  Fabulous.

Werking It.  Walking It.  Werking It.  Walking It.

Honestly, the only thing more Fabulous than Mikey were Holly’s Fabulous HollyFaces whenever Mikey opened his Fabulous mouth.

Imagine a long hallway.  Holly looked down the long hallway.  Imagine you back dat thang up against the mirror and shimmy down it like I don’t know what.  Holly looked all around the room like when you point a laser pen at a cat.  Imagine you snatch the microphone and then get all like Hey I just snatched the microphone.  Holly snatched the microphone.  mm

Imagine Janet Jackson‘s makeup artist doing Nia’s face for the video.  Holly couldn’t breath.  Imagine Nia getting her hair done by Katy Perry‘s hair stylist.  Holly blacked out for a minute and almost hit her head.

Side note:  When Mikey wiped himself all over the mirror I made a mental note to start cleaning my shower doors the same way from now on.

I bet even his Scrubbing Bubbles are Fabulous.

Love me some Mr. Minden.  Dude.  Is.  Faaaaaabulous.

When Holly finally picked herself up off the floor, she pointed out that THIS is what LA is all about.  Hollywood, baby.  Hollywood!

Gurrrrrl, pleez.  Free hair AND getting your face painted like a Rhythm Nation dancer?

You are preaching to the choir, sistah.

How could it get any better than this, you ask?

Maybe we should scoot over to the Acting Seminar with Demi Lovato’s sister and see.

Part acting seminar, part timeshare sales pitch and part off-site retail commission training at the Ramada, Dallas put the girls through every audition hoop she could think of to prepare them for life outside the studio.

Side note:  Dallas didn’t look anything like any of the pictures from Google.

After name dropping Selena Gomez a few times, Dallas had each girl pick a random character that was floating around in their head and then do an impromptu group scene.c1

One.  Kalani chose the dumbest sales clerk I’ve ever seen, so I’m assuming it was someone from Abercrombie & Fitch.  The scent they pipe out through the air ducts in that store makes you stupid.  It’s true because I wrote it and now it’s on the internet forever.

Two.  Maddie was tired, but nothing else really mattered after JoJo chose ‘Elderly Korean Woman’ because, well…I mean…Elderly Korean Woman.  C’mon.

I just can’t.  The fact that ‘EKW’ was even on the menu inside JoJo’s sparkle-filled brain was almost more than I could handle.  I was also relieved to find out that after all these years, I’m not the only person relying on my inner ‘Elderly Korean Woman’ when faced with awkward social situations.


I swear.  JoJo is my Spirit Animal now.  It’s like we’re twins or something.

You just need to watch it.

Side note:  JoJo taking at-home Korean lessons somehow made getting Root Touch-Up in your Christmas stocking seem less odd.  I’m so in love with her Mom Jessalynn now that I should probably go back and edit out about 98% of the smack I said about her in my old Abby’s Ultimate Dance Competition recaps.

Seriously.  When did Jess get so damn funny?

Finally, it was Showtime!  And time for a new Lighting Director.

Did you see all that harsh lighting in the auditorium?  And even some of the last confessional thingamajigs?  What are they using lately…sunlamps?


You could tell my girl Rachelle was not happy at all.  How’s a bitch supposed to get all Sas-y when she’s sitting under a bulb that looks like a Star Trek transporter?  Beam me up to Home Depot, Scotty, so I can get some soft focus incandescents.

And how about all those little babies in the front row?  What was that all about?

Where were their parents?

Side note:  The stage was ginormous but the wall logo was a tiny iPhone home screen app.  Really.  A tiny little square sitting on the floor.  Go figure.

Nia and Kendall’s solos both went really well.  The emcee was Super Pregnant in a sequined dress.  Or at least I hope she was.  I apologize in advance for any insensitivity if she wasn’t.  But if she was pregnant, I think it might be time for flats because those stilettos were giving me third trimester anxiety.

Plot Twist:  Turns out that Holly and Nia didn’t have any signed contracts either.  What the what?  That sudden realization made Jill say something that got bleeped out and reminded me of the time she threw a shoe across the room.

Some days I really miss Cowboy Hat Jill.

Backstage before the group routine, Abby had just enough time for a quick Q&A.

Q:  What do you think a lot of money is?

A:  (Maddie) A Billion Million!  Go Big or Go Home, yo.  (JoJo)  Less than that.


And maybe a pony.

The point was to make sure the entire team realized how much bankroll Abby was investing in their careers.  No pressure, of course.  Especially you, Kendall.

And you’re $57,000 whatever.

Then the ALDC hit the stage for their final dance of the night.  Which was lyrical.  Because that’s their thing again.

And I stand corrected.  Abby got Kendall a starter grill AND paid someone off to pump her new iTunes song through the loud speakers before the awards ceremony.  So that was $57,000 well spent.

At the end of the day, Nia took Third Place and Kendall scored First.  Awesome!

Maybe it was just from sitting under the hot lights for an entire competition, but I thought Abby had said that the girls were going up against each other in a Battle of the Pop Stars and yet they ended up getting two different awards in two different age categories.

I will never understand DanceMath.

All in all, given their previous adventures in Hollywood, everyone was pretty happy with the results as the whole thing shut down for the day.

Both Kendall and Nia’s music careers were starting to percolate.  The Moms were all kinda sorta getting along.  And JoJo even offered to take everyone out for Korean food.



nia 2


Dance Moms: Live From Ohio…It’s Saturday Night! With Maddie Gone, It’s Mackenzie’s Time To Shine. Or Is It?

Wednesday, April 1st, 2015




You can wear my feather vest for your little dance, sweetie, but I’ll need it back when you’re done.






I know, right? It’s 40 below and we’re out here wearing glitter tube tops. I swear this show is crazy!






Sitting here all afternoon made me hungry. I could sure go for some cake right about now.






I’m waaay smarter. But apparently nobody wants a Spelling Bee Champ to host stupid SNL.






I don’t care if it is Black & White Day. Mama paid good money for these brown boots, ‘kay?






So I told the lady at the Kelly Hyland Bakery Shop to just slap her damn face on a cake. Literally.






I don’t know about you, gurl, but Imma ’bout ready to cut a CD and blow this popsicle stand.






I certainly wouldn’t have had such a big lunch if I’d known they were gonna be serving tasty cake.




So much to do.

You know how it is right before you go on a big trip.

Between setting itineraries, packing up all your bling and coordinating transportation to the airport, there’s barely enough time to catch your breath, much less recreate the Closing Ceremonies of the 2012 London Olympics or pick on an innocent child’s floppy ears.

But somehow, Dance Moms managed to get it all done this week.

And still have time for cake.

With only seven days to go before ALDCLA: The Sequel, everyone was running in circles trying to get it together before the action shifted back to the West Coast.  After a less than stellar showing the last time they hit the Hollywood Hills, Abby Lee Miller was determined that the team leave Pittsburgh with one more win under their belt.

Which meant that this week’s World-Class Talent Experience was more important than ever to Abby.  Not only because it was being held on enemy turf (…Ohio, home of Canton’s Jerky King and the Evil Dance Lair know as Candy Apples…) but also because she just hates losing.  Period.

With so much to do there wasn’t even time to scotch tape any head shots up on the mirror for the Pyramid of Shame, so in an oddly unscientific Facial Recognition Experiment, Abby just held up each photo like a flash card until someone finally recognized their own outfit and snatched it out of her hand.  She said it was supposed to be like Chorus Line, but it reminded me more of when Cornelius and Zira first splash landed on Earth from the Planet of the Apes and got put into that psych lab to see how smart they were.


Spoiler Alert:  Education played a big role in this week’s episode.

Abby’s Weekly Sia Chandelier/Elastic Heart Reference:  I think this one might have happened before the opening credits even finished, because as soon as the show started we already knew that Maddie was in New York rehearsing for an upcoming Saturday Night Live performance with her new bestie Sia.

Side note:  Did we ever figure out who babysits Maddie while she’s off on all these solo road trips?  I forget.  I know she’s not old enough to have her own credit card for Ramada check-ins yet.  And I’m pretty sure she doesn’t actually stay at Sia’s house, though imagining them both going to sleep standing in a corner facing the wall does make me laugh.  I’m just curious, that’s all.

Jill Vertes Fashion Watch:  She’s my MomCrush, so she could put a Target bag on her head and I’d still think she was da bomb.  But she did have it going on this week.

Holly Frazier Fashion Watch:  Wait.  What?  Check your rear view mirror, Jill, because Dr. Beyoncé was giving us Rachel Zoe SohoBohoBigHat Realness this week.

Oh.  My.  Gawd.  It was Ba.  Na. Nas.  Bananas.

Kendall Vertes Fashion Watch:  An unexpected winner.  When your double Boo Boo Kitty animal print band-aids not only match your outfit, but also every outfit on every member of your dance troupe, than your fashion game is on point.

JoJo and MackZ scored solos for the upcoming competition, as well as getting to dance in the Spice Girls group number.  Tell you what I want.  What I really, really want.


Yup…’ello Govnah.  Those Spice Girls.  And it worked perfectly.  Like the real Spice Girls were somehow magically shrinky-dinked down into pee wee size and then spit back out onto the dance floor.

Kendall:  Posh Spice.  Kalani:  Sporty Spice.  Nia:  Scary Spice.  JoJo:  Baby Spice.

Mackenzie:  NotMaddie Spice.

Kidding.  She was Ginger Spice.  But it did open up a whole new MomPerch discussion on who Mackenzie really was…or would be…if she got the opportunity to step outside of Maddie’s ever widening shadow of stardom.  MackZ?  Mackenzie Boo?  Just Plain ol’ Mackenzie?  Kenzie?  The Other One?

Even her solo was going to be an introspective owl-themed ‘Hoo Are Yoo?’ routine that would hopefully address the issue.  Clearly, ever since Maddie put on that white wig and hid behind the living room drapes, tiny Mackenzie has been suffering a bit of an identity crisis.  We love her, tho.  What we need is a Girl Party to prove it!

As the girls got to rehearsing, we scooted over to Ohio to meet yet another choreographer for the Candy Apples.  I think this one was Cathy’s sister-in-law.  Or pharmacist.  Or Uber driver.  I forget.  She goes through them faster than I go through Twitter followers.

(And srsly?  You’re gonna unfollow me because I made a One Direction joke?  I’m pretty sure you’ll never date Zayn Malik whether he stayed in the band or not.  And aren’t you the same person who was gonna marry Justin Bieber two years ago?  Whatev.)


Back in PA, the Moms were concerned that the Spice Girls routine was perfect for prepping the girls for another LA adventure, but not necessarily something that could win against a Candy Apples team that was hand-picked by Abby and then tossed to the curb during last season’s Open Call Auditions.  The general consensus was that Abby was setting the team up to lose when Maddie was MIA.  Because the contract clearly states that the team is not allowed to lose when Maddie is participating in the dances.

It’s in there.  I swear.  Right before the paragraph about slapping the studio owner.

(You might wanna hold that thought for a couple more minutes.  Trust me.)

Side note:  When Holly said “Who knows what it can reach” they close captioned her like she was Honey Boo Boo Child or something.  What was that all about?  She’s the only one I ever understand on this show.

During the conversation, it should also be noted that Melissa slipped in and out of consciousness a number of times, robotically repeating “She’s Abby Lee Miller We Must Assimilate” over and over like she was some kind of PittsBorg.

(That’s a freakin hysterical Star Trek reference that I don’t have time to explain, BTW.)

With two days to go before the competition, things were heating up.  Except in Ohio, where it snowed the entire time.  Anyone notice that?  Total white-out snow emergency in Canton while the fall leaves were still piling up in the ALDC potholes back in Pittsburgh.

Global Warming, kids.  The More You Know.  Education.h

And don’t even get me started on when Cathy slammed my girl Nia’s dance skills.  “All my Candy Apple dancers are amazing.  I don’t have any Nias”.  AwHellNah.

Guuurl, you do NOT want me to take off my Rachel Zoe hat right now.

Side note:  I’m still patiently waiting for the Dance Moms spin-off based on whatever Ohio beauty parlor it is that still does those haircuts and dye jobs.  Because that show would be off the damn chain.  I would watch that show so hard.

And then Abby basically blamed home schooling for MackZ’s inability to remember four minutes of choreography and now I’m just waiting for my entire website to slow down.

Because that totally happened last time when everyone on both sides of the argument started fighting over the pros and cons of homeschooling in the comment section.

Thanks a lot, Abby.  I might as well just call my tech guy now and get in the queue.

Side note:  In the heat of the battle, Melissa blurted out that Mackenzie was a lot smarter than Maddie educationally.  Really.  They should have subtitled that one instead, because I was totally all like WhatDidSheJustSay?  I’m pretty sure she didn’t mean it to sound the way it came out.  And you know how Lifetime loves their new editing software.

You could tell Holly wanted to smack her on the nose with a rolled up PhD thesis.

Finally…thankfully…it was Showtime!

And time for those screaming sidewalk kids I love so much.  That little one trying to get a high-five out of Abby almost burst whatever that vein in the side of your forehead is called.

g 2

Side note:  How how about Tessa‘s Mom and that red cocktail dress?

Dang, Reneé.  Somebody does Pilates.  I was going to say something about her hair and maybe point out that she was wearing the same Jack the Ripper throat slash choker again (…does she sleep in that thing?…) but then I got a load of those guns and now I’m all set.

Moving on.  Fast.

MackZ’s ForTheLastTimeI’mNotMaddie dance went really well.  She still did that handstand in a circle thing a billion times, which I thought we had already agreed made her routines seem too juvenile and would be removed going forward, but maybe I made that up in my head.  I’m more jealous that I can’t do it than I am concerned about her actually Bringing Bumble Bee Back…but, still.

Jessalynn, who somewhere along the line stopped being a complete whack job and started making more sense than anyone in my circle of friends, pointed out that those kind of tricks aren’t really cute once you grow up.  Since I still get very uncomfortable every Thanksgiving when my Aunt busts out her handstand in a circle thing right before we say Grace, I have to side with Jess on this one.

JoJo’s ‘Fancy’ solo was custom built for her, even though I’m not a big fan of MC Hammer pants.  She was definitely Too Legit To Quit.

Side note:  Did anyone else notice that Cathy brought Abby’s book into the dressing room when they first showed up?  And that the book was propped up on Abby’s table for the remainder of the episode like Teresa Giudice‘s cookbook?

If you don’t watch Real Housewives of New Jersey…One:  Shame on you, Danielle, you prostitution whore.  And Two:  Teresa has her books propped up all over the kitchen counter like she lives in a freakin’ Barnes & Noble or something.

Except for now.  Because she’s in jail.  Oops.

Pay your taxes, kids.  Education.


Side note:  We should probably talk about the Ohio Department of Tourism video they flashed between scenes that showed a baby goat or whatever it was just trying to have some lunch while that other goat-looking thing photobombed the picture.  I swear, sometimes I just need to lay down when this show is over it’s so good.  Hilarious.

The ALDC group routine was Mini Spice Girls all the way.  Or as I like to call it, Nia and her Backup Dancers.  Any time it’s a jazzy, hip hop pop kinda thing it’s always hard to take your eyes off Sasha Nia.  Werk.

All the girls did great, but….seriously.  LaQuifa What?

To finish off the contest, the CADC hit the stage with some of Abby’s leftover dancers, some of Abby’s leftover choreography and a whole bunch of freshly baked Apple Attitude.

They did amazing.  I’ll give props where they’re due.  When I hit the klub I still prefer to bust out my fave pop moves vs. lyrical, but I’ll still give a nod to a group that gets it done.

Unfortunately, so will the judges, who awarded the Candy Apples dancers First Place in the group category, totally overshadowing JoJo and MackZ’s One/Two sweep.

Backstage, it went exactly as you would expect it go after an ALDC loss.

Back Story:  Little Chloe Smith (…seriously, is this franchise contractually obligated to always have at least one Chloe or Christy on the payroll?…) is one of the new CADC dancers who was at one of the random ALDC Open Call auditions last year.  She is an amazing dancer with some pretty amazing ears.  And that’s not a diss.  You’ve all seen my childhood bow tie picture by now, so that scores me one Get Out Of Jail card.


And honestly, the whole ear thing isn’t really ever any issue unless the wind is blowing straight at you from behind.  But regardless, at the audition Abby had told her to get her ears pinned back which was totally not cool at all.  Unless you plan on performing with your head out a moving car window the entire time, I can’t even think of a reason why anyone would tell a child to do something like that.  But Abby did.

So remember that part for later.

Back to backstage.

Cathy and all the gloating CADC Moms showed up in Abby’s dressing room with one of those Elmo Birthday Cakes from the grocery store.  Except that it wasn’t anybody’s birthday.  And it wasn’t even Elmo on the cake.  It was Abby’s face from the night that Kelly Hyland slapped her silly and ended up on TMZ.

Side note:  If you’ve never viewed that scene, or need a refresher, I highly recommend you relive the moment if for no other reason than to watch Dr. Holly Frazier take charge of all the children in the building like the roof is about to collapse on top of the entire team.  As I’ve said many times before, if Holly had been on the Titanic everyone on board would have made it into the life boats and been home by sunrise.

Holly doesn’t do drama.  And she certainly isn’t gonna get her hair wet.

Cathy brought in the cake and offered to cut Abby a big slice or stick the fork directly in her eyeball.  Her choice.  Needless to say, Abby got herself up and headed towards the door, turning just long enough to whisper “Get those ears fixed” before exiting the room.

Again.  Not cool.  At all.  Even the ALDC Moms were horrified.


But this time, Choe’s Mom Liza fought back.

Not gonna lie.  When she shoved the other CADC Moms out of the way and headed down the hallway after Abby, I was kind of hoping for a rumble.  Sadly, it ended up being more of a Power Walk down to the Sears store at the other end of mall.

Clearly, neither of them are gonna qualify for the Pittsburgh Marathon this year.

But they still got some screaming in.  Quite a bit, actually.  Cathy even joined in on the Not-Birthday Party and called Abby a horse.

Back in the dressing room, all the ALDC Moms came to Chloe’s defense and it was really nice to see.  Competition aside, they’re all still Moms.  And no Mom ever wants to see a child get their feelings hurt.  It’s a Mom Thing and proved that sometimes you have to stop being a Dance Mom and just be a Mom Mom.

It’s called doing what’s right, kids.  Education.

Everyone rallied around Chloe and told her how amazing she was.  They were worried about her.  I was worried about her.  And the cake, too.  I was worried about the cake.

I still don’t know what happened to it when Cathy put it down to chase after Liza and Abby.  And that concerns me greatly.  I just hope they had dessert.

Cake always makes me feel better when people make fun of my ears.

And then it was over.

Time to go home and pack up all your sassy hats.

Because we’re going back to Hollywood, mmmkay?


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