Posts Tagged ‘ALDC Open Call Auditions’

Dance Moms: The Real Housewives Of Pittsburgh Are Back For The Reunion. Somebody’s Gonna See Stars Tonight.

Wednesday, May 13th, 2015




If I knew it was a Fashion Blog this week, of course I would’ve put on a damn dress.






It wouldn’t bother me if every chair and couch in this whole place was #Empty right now.






Can you hear me? How ’bout now? Can you hear me? How ’bout now? Can you hear me?








Megaphones at any Reunion Show are just a bad idea, kids. The More You Know.







I’m just saying that there’s no way these boobs are real. Am I really the only one who can see them?






Can we just go back to MoleGate before I lose my s*** and rip the other sleeve off this chick’s dress?






Don’t mention Shia. Don’t mention Shia. Don’t mention Shia. Don’t mention Shia. Don’t mention Shia.




Well, my goodness.

They clean up nice, don’t they?

It’s the Dance Moms Reunion.  The one night when all your favorite ALDC Moms can get as blinged-out as their cell phones and sit around talking shizzz with Andy Cohen‘s brother from another mother, Jeff Collins.

That’s right.  Jeff was back to grill the Moms as only Jeff can.

Spoiler Alert:  Things getting too uncomfortable?  Feel a fist fight coming on?  Shoes about to come off?  Let’s just table that and watch Maddie spin around for awhile.

Oh, Jeff.  That was close.

And you know the love/hate relationship I have with these Reunion Specials, because they leave me with more questions than answers by the time Kim of Queens comes on.

Like…where do they film this damn thing?  I say it every time.  Where IS this secret Dance Moms Bunker?  I don’t even see any doors.  I’m not as concerned with how you get in as how you would ever escape it Abby Lee Miller really started to lose her nutty.a3

And where do they keep finding this infomercial audience?  I mean, srsly.

I love them.  Love.  But if they all went home with lovely parting gifts that I didn’t receive, I’m gonna be so upset.

And how about that guy with the green pants?  Dude.  You’re not in the bleachers at Fenway Park.  Put your legs together.  There’s kids watching this at home.

And his girlfriend with the giant “MEOW” on her sweater?  What?  Like the “BIFF!” and “ZZZWAP!” and “KAPOW!” you get every time Batman hits the Joker.  Maybe she thought this was one of those live audience things for Cooking With David on QVC.

And don’t even get me started on whatever was on that other lady’s shirt that had to be blurred out every time they swept the audience.  If there’s even the most remote possibility that your mug might end up on national television, don’t wear anything with Madonna‘s face or swear words on it.  Just don’t.

On the other hand, maybe the producers were so busy checking for weapons as everyone passed through the bunker’s metal detectors that they overlooked some of the more questionable wardrobe choices. Or maybe I’m just jealous my invite got lost in the mail.

Memo to self:  Go back and check the last Reunion on the DVR, because Jeff’s hair seemed…I dunno.  Maybe it was the colored lights.  Was it just me?

But we love Jeff.  Especially now that he has his pocket square under control.  Remember that one time it looked like a magician’s handkerchief that you could keep pulling and pulling and pulling until both of the Hyland kids popped out of his jacket?  Hilarious.


Anyway.  Everyone got to dress up like they were going somewhere fancy.  But it didn’t look like they were all going to the same place this year.  It was a little random.  You’ll see.

And it was called “Seeing Stars.”  Because I don’t know why.

I’m not sure if they were referencing the Hollywood Walk of Fame ones or the ones that always spin around cartoon people’s heads after they get punched in the throat.

But everyone was gonna see some tonight.  One way or the other.


First up was Abby in the hot seat.  She wasn’t very dressed up at all, considering.  It was like one of those pant suit things that your relatives who don’t ever wear dresses would wear to your graduation.  The same relatives who don’t wear shorts in the Summer no matter how hot it gets outside and haven’t put on jeans since the ’80s.

Yeah.  I’m talking to you, Aunt Louise.

Abby and Jeff briefly discussed the expansion of the ALDC franchise and then started right in on her fragile relationship with Holly and Nia.

Side note:  Did Jeff really ask Abby what the Los Angeles ALDC was going to be called?

Does he not watch the show?  Because if he doesn’t, he needs to tell me what happened this week on Marvel’s Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. since I’m about two months behind thanks to Dance Moms.

Hint:  ALDCLA.  We heart Jeff.h4


h1 (1)Out comes Holly, looking just fine in her floor length royal blue number with the open back and sparkly shoes.  Like she was going to announce the nominees for Best Animated Short or something.  We love Holly big time.

Side note:  Clearly, this recap will have nothing to do with what actually happened.  You might want to find another blog with better focus if that’s your thang this week.

For the next hour, Holly basically unleashed every HollyFace we have seen thus far throughout the season.  But with fancier earrings.

Flashback:  Holly standing in front of those empty pet store lockers, screaming at Abby about accountability and respect.  They never really did explain what happened to all the puppies.  I hope they found good homes.

Holly shared some of her favorite Pittsburgh memories and then we took a DanceBreak with the fan favorite ‘Stomp The Yard’ routine.

That’s one of my favorites, too.  Especially the part at the beginning when all the girls shimmy forward and do that side snap thing with their right hands.  I still don’t know what it’s called, but I use it a lot now while I’m waiting for the crosswalk light to change.

After the break, Jeff called out Melissa and my MomCrush Jill.  Mrs. Z was in one of those silver sparkly cocktail dresses that you’d wear to somebody’s holiday house party when you want to make sure you look better than the hostess.

I see what you did there, Melissa.


Not gonna lie.

I expected Jill to come out in some long ballgown that required half the de-commissioned ALDC Phase 2 dancers as roadies just to make certain the train didn’t get caught in the green room door.  Like the people who hold down Macy’s balloons so they don’t float away in high winds and hit a telephone pole during the parade.

Psych.  She was in a sweet white hot blazer/skinny bottom combo that made her look exceptionally beeyoot but still strong enough to be a woman in a man’s world at her part-time silicon valley CEO job.  Bump-It free, but her hair was on point.

Jill Vertes Fashion Watch:  That was it, I just did it backwards.

Holly, Jill and Melissa went a few more rounds in the Who’s Scared of Abby Battle and it made me sad that they’re not as chummy as they used to be.  But I have the Faith.

And so did this guy in the audience…


…who was all like WTF at first and then ’bout fell outta his pew when Holly started talking educated woman talk.  He’s my new hero.

Sometimes I really just need this show to be two hours long.

Holly clearly stated that if Abby wouldn’t do right by Nia as her Manager, she’d have to step up and take action as the Momager.  Which made me miss Toddlers & Tiaras even more than I already do, because that show had Momagers and they were all insane.

And it was awesome.

Side note:  When Jill (…unintentionally or nah?…) slammed Abby over the music video dramzzz (…“Nia had all these celebrity helpers.  All I had was Abby Lee Miller”...) the whole audience was all Oooooh and Aaaaaaah and OhNoSheDin’t as Abby tried to process what just happened.

I see what you did there, Jill.


Abby claimed that Holly had changed Nia for her video and through the magic of new hair made her somehow #StarInSomeoneElse’sLife, but I’m pretty sure the 4 bazillion iTunes and youtube hits beg to differ.

Naturally, the whole thing once again shifted to the two dudes in silver speedos that seemed to really get under Abby’s skin.  Jeff asked if there was a double standard when it came to Nia’s backup dancers vs. Shia LaBeouf in his Fruit of the Looms rolling around with Maddie in a birdcage.

You could literally turn off the volume right here and still know what was going on.

Melissa’s nervous eye twitch came back.  Abby referenced Sia and her music videos about a yogabbagabbazillion times.  And we learned that Jeff uses an inhaler when he’s about to pass out.

The only thing we didn’t learn was the answer to the question.  Not awkward at all.

Then all of the sudden they showed a clip of my girl Vivi-Anne spinning in the wrong direction during some duet with Mackenzie.  Honestly, I don’t know if it was a vintage flashback or something they filmed yesterday, because she looks and dances exactly the same every time I see her.

So there’s that to ponder now, too.

After another DanceBreak for ‘Freak Show’ (…nice beard, Kalani…) Jeff brought out Jessalynn and Kira to stir things up a bit.

True Fact:  JoJo‘s Mom was heading to Coachella right after filming wrapped, because she was all flowy and pastel-y (…is that even a real word?…) in some one-sleeved number that you know has a gigantic matching hat somewhere.


We really like Jessalynn now that she’s the good kind of whacky.

I’m not sure where Kira was going after the show.  But where ever it was, I’m pretty sure who boobs were gonna get there first.  Did you see those things?  No wonder the guy in the green pants couldn’t…

Never mind.  I forgot kids might be online.

Look at that face, tho.  You know he totally got caught staring.

audAnd then it got even more uncomfortable.

For everyone else, I mean.

Abby started listing off a rap sheet of issues and grievances that she had with Jessalynn:

She wasn’t using a speech therapist for her daughter.  She wasn’t getting JoJo her shots (…medical, not liquor, I’m assuming…) and not sending her to school.  Because school is important.  Suddenly, anyway.

Wait.  What?  Wasn’t Abby the one who used to preach Home Schooling?  Or did I miss another episode?  Wasn’t that the rule last season?

Abby even mimicked those hand up/hand down hearing tests you take in elementary school before yelling at Melissa so loudly that MamaZ put her left foot up by mistake.

Kira’s boobs, tho.

DanceBreak:  JoJo’s bloody ‘Prom Queen’ routine.  When a 6th grader covered in pig’s blood is the most normal thing happening on your television screen, it’s a good day.

And then Chaos Cathy returned.  With her megaphone.  Because…of course.

Not gonna lie.  I was a little concerned that Cathy and Melissa were wearing the same metallic eye shadow.  Do you think they’re secretly besties and this is all for show?  They were both in pretty sparkly dresses, too, even though Cathy’s looked a little more like the kind you can throw right in the washing machine if you spill anything on it during your faculty Spring Fling or death defying high wire trapeze act.


Jeff strapped everyone into their seats and proudly discussed Vivi-Anne’s recent US Citizenship, which received polite applause all around.  Good for her.  And God Bless America.  Home of the Brave and Friendly’s Ice Cream cakes shaped like whales.

DanceBreak:  Maddie in her raggedy ‘All God’s Creatures’ sweater.  Remember when Abby was having her mental breakdown meltdown and bragged about how she was up ALL night making that costume?

Girl, pleez.  I can snag a sweater just getting off the couch.

The final guest of the evening was Jeanette Cota.

From the non-NYC Broadway Dance Academy.

I don’t know where she was going after the show either, but it wasn’t any place where you might have to bend over at the end of the night.  Dang.

Ava‘s Mom was snug as a bug in that black dress.

We like Jeanette.  Especially when her hair is straight.

Honestly, I don’t even know what happened after she showed up because everyone started arguing and yelling at each other and it made me nervous.

Side note:  I know she was trying to be all dramatical and all, but when you end your screaming fit with “I got you a Coney Dawg!” you lose some of your steam.

With mustard, of course.  Thank you for your participation in the conversation, Cathy.


Jeff called Jeanette a former member of the ALDC, which most of the Moms took issue with since she and Ava were only given a test run before being booted back out the door.

Then there was more arguing and yelling about who was using who (…or is it ‘whom?’…I never know…) in their search for stardom until Jeff finally decided to table the whole thing and sing that song from ‘Frozen’ one mo’ time.

Cracking under pressure is how Jeff and I roll.  DanceBreak, anyone?

And then it was over.

Well, after a few more memories and some last minute smack that Cathy, Abby and Jeanette managed to squeeze in under the wire.

We even got to see the Original Recipe girls in a few brief clips, which was pretty nifty.

Twitter liked that so much it almost broke.  We miss you Brooke and Paige and Chloe!

And then it was really over.

Now that the Moms all unloaded a little bit of their emotional baggage on the couch, it was time to go home and repack it all for Australia.

You heard it, mate.

Dance Moms is going Internationale.

Smells like fun, right?


Dance Moms: It’s The Final Pittsburgh Showdown Part Two. You Might Wanna Hold On To Your Hats…And iPhones.

Wednesday, May 6th, 2015




You do really well and Mama will get you a phone just like Jill’s for your birthday. You’ll see.






Just so we’re all clear.  Mess with my kid, my hair or my Apple products…I mess YOU up, ‘kay?






Honey, is that your Mama over there talking to a chair? I thought we weren’t gonna do that again.

4278943519_6871946638_z (1)















Do I smell cake?







No lie. That one lady snatched that other lady’s iPhone and she went completely P-Town on her a**.






Tell me this chick is not taking a damn selfie in the middle of my big scene? Can we start over?




So long, Pittsburgh.

It was fun while it lasted, but Hollywood is calling.

After months and months…and months…of threats and promises, Abby Lee Miller and her Dance Moms are finally ready to unleash the ALDC LA on an unsuspecting West Coast.  It’s been a long time coming and now it was finally about to happen.

But not until they get one last Pittsburgh competition under their belt.

Needless to say, Ms. Miller wanted to leave Pittsburgh a winner, which meant that at this week’s Starbound National Talent Competition the dancing needed to be turnt up, the bad attitudes turned around and (…spoiler alert…) the Find My Phone apps turned on.

Trust me on that last one.  Just turn ’em on now.

Right out of the gate, it was already Showtime!

But as the team entered the venue this week, it was a little anti-climactic.h

True, the usual mob of screeching tweeny boppers posting to Instagram in real-time were all there, screaming and uploading smiley face emojis like it was their day job, but with only two ALDC dancers making up the entire entourage it felt a little more like a bunch of Moms dropping their kids off at the Mall for a few hours.

Dat’s rite.  Count ’em.  Two ALDC dancers.

Nia and JoJo were the only girls to arrive with the Moms.  All the other ALDC team members were still MIA at the JUMP Dance Convention across town, doing whatever it was they were signed up to do at the event.  It wasn’t very clear if they were taking classes, teaching classes, competing or just there for free loot at the trade show.  But regardless, whatever it was they were doing was making them late, because they should have been at Starbound by now and that didn’t happen.

Side note:  Depending on which search engine you use, if you type in “JUMP” without the “Dance Convention” part you can end up with directions to one of those places that rent inflatable bouncy castles for birthday parties, buy the Pointer Sisters Greatest Hits album on eBay or sign yourself up for parachute lessons.  Which in itself is hilarious if you start imagining the Moms shoving each other out of moving airplanes, because I really thought it might come down to that this week.

Jump For My Love.  Google it, kids.  It’s a classic.


All the other Moms were in the Starbound hizzle, but none of their daughters.  Just Sasha Nia, who was still wearing her new Hashtag: StarInYourOwnLife hair and JoJo, who was continuing her gradual transition from Honey Bow Bow Child to just plain JoJo.

Question:  Is JoJo’s head getting bigger or are her hair accessories getting smaller?  I swear, sometimes she even throws caution to the wind and goes without anything attached to her head at all.  And honestly, I’m not sure I even want to live in a world without a Bow Bow JoJo.  What if those big things are the source of all her nonsensical wackiness and she starts being just a normal kid now?  Bor.  Ing.

Along with the screaming masses, the Candy Apples brigade was also on hand to welcome the ALDC to the glass ceiling-ed, generically titled Cultural Center.  Let’s just say that natural sunlight is not always a friend to overly processed hair and keep the story moving right along.

Somehow, Chaos Cathy Nesbitt-Stein and her MomSquad managed to immediately get into the middle of the ALDC in-fighting as Holly and Jessalynn tried to figure out why so many of their own ALDC kids were missing.  Everyone was talking over everybody else and pointing and accusing each other of keeping secrets and not sharing texts and blah to the blah about why Abby double booked everyone at two different events and why Cathy carries that damn megaphone with her everywhere she goes.

No lie.  She had that bullhorn again.  Attention, shoppers.


Jill Vertes Fashion Watch:  Biker Bar black leather jacket with Joan Collins meets Joan Crawford meets Tom Brady Superbowl shoulder pads.  And it was fringed.  The long kind of fringe that made the 1960s so groovy and got everyone arrested at Woodstock.

 And her Bump-It was bumped up to the Gawdz, hunty.  It was a Defining Moment.

Cathy finally took off up this ridiculously long staircase to who knows where.  Then Holly followed, calling Jill something bad on her way up to the penthouse.  And then Jessalynn, who had remarkably sparkly shoes for an early daytime event, called Jill a Bitch before she ran out of breath half way up the stairs.

Srsly.  Does this show ever film at a location with elevators?

Backstage in the makeup room, Holly and Jill continued their heated exchange.  Fringe and mouths were flapping everywhere but nobody was really getting anywhere.  No one could explain how the rest of the girls ended up at JUMP (…which was already 2.75 hours behind schedule…) while JoJo and Nia were sitting all alone in their track suits waiting for whoknowswhat to happen.  Nia’s hair looked fierce, tho.

Speaking of.  Melissa Ziegler-Gisoni Hair Watch:  She tried out another bouncy beachy wavy thing that I liked better than last week’s Priscilla Presley helmet, but it didn’t really even matter because we found out that she left her kids a note by their dance bags.  mel

And a banana.

And then took off before they even woke up.

Wait.  What?

One.  What does that even mean?  And how early do you have to get up in the morning that you can leave your kids two bananas and be out the door before they even wake up?

Two.  Is that their entire breakfast?  One banana each?  Really?  The most important meal of the day?  No wonder Mackenzie falls down so much.  You call it gymnastic acro.  I call it light headedness and low blood sugar.  At least we know they’re getting enough potassium to prevent charlie horses in the middle of the night.

Three.  What did the note say?  If that’s all they’re eating for the day, I don’t think anyone needs to remind them to shovel it down.  Inquiring minds just need to know, that’s all.

Four.  If any of you need to leave now, this Candy Apple Mom’s face pretty much summed up the rest of the episode.  I don’t know who she is, but I love her because she thinks white people are crazy.


Five.  That was a joke.  I know Melissa feeds her kids.  I love her almost as much as she (…used to…) love me.  And I think white people are crazy, too.  Because I’m one of them.

So relax.

But the show must go on, right?  With only minutes to go, Abby tossed Nia and JoJo a bone and gave them Kalani and Kendall’s solo spots on the schedule.  Nia was going to recycle a routine that she already knew, while JoJo was gonna wing it with an improv.

No pressure there.  But that’s how it might go down in the Real World.  Or so Abby said.

And then Jill and Holly went another round or ten.

Jill didn’t understand why Holly couldn’t just be happy that Nia got a solo.  Holly was happy that Nia got a solo, but also quickly figured out that the only other available soloist in the room was a piece of furniture and somehow Hashtag: EmptyChair started trending across America.  Sometime the internet scares me.

Holly did this a lot…

h1 (1)And quite a bit of this, which I found enjoyable…

tumblr_nnwi1dEwiN1tb8iyko1_500…which, going forward, is exactly how I plan to respond to all negative website feedback, so you can probably save yourself some aggravation and don’t even bother.  Mmmkay?

For the last time.  I know Melissa feeds her kids.  Gah.

Side note:  “NOTICE: This room is being monitored for your safety.”  Did you see that posted sign on the wall?  The one at the very top of this recap?  They showed it a lot, but it was clearly just for the Legal Department because Cathy & Crew kept running in and out of the ALDC makeup room like they owned the place.  And that is clearly a bigger safety issue than any broken ladder or running with scissors.  It was a mess.

I also can’t believe they still make that kind of pencil sharpener.  The one that was screwed into the wall.  Who even uses pencils anymore?  Don’t kids just use the stylus that comes with their iPads?  And when did I get so old?

I mean, like…

tumblr_nnwi1dEwiN1tb8iyko1_500(Clearly, this HollyGif is going to come in handy for almost unlimited scenarios.)

Just think.  Pretty soon, if I keep using it over and over and over you’ll all be like…


Ok.  I’m done now.

Finally, it was the showtime part of Showtime!

Nia nailed her solo.  Girrrrl, pleez.  That new music video experience gave her so much more hair and confidence that I wish I hadn’t already used my HollyGif three times.

Because, you know.  Nia.

Props to my MomCrush who came through and admitted that no matter what differences she and Holly and the other Moms may have, they will always support Nia and the girls.  And that made me smile, because kids always come first.  Remember that.

Ava was up next with her ‘Hurtful Words’ solo.  Mom Jeanette had gotten her own hair under control just in time for the show (…is it curly and she straightens it or is it straight and she frizzes it?…) and proudly watched her daughter’s legs grow even longer as the routine progressed.  I don’t know what you call that push-up thing she did with one leg on the ground and other leg up on her shoulder, but it was redoink.  Ava can dance.

Period.  End of story.

JoJo finished up the solo portion of the program by just running around the stage and randomly doing stuff.  Improv is her thang and she got it done.


She even did this almost to the ground split whatchamacallit, hanging out two inches from the floor for at least ten minutes before finally dropping it like it’s hot.  Let’s just say I can’t even walk this morning and I only watched it on TV.


Backstage, Cathy & Crew disregarded the OSHA signage again and stampeded the ALDC makeup room to toss iParty stars into the air in celebration of Nia’s solo and music video.  I felt bad for JoJo, who just kinda stood there.  She is a star, too.  And I’m sure (…spoiler alert…) she’ll have a song or something before you know it.

I Can Make You Dance.  Just saying.

And how about when Cathy dissed MackZ’s Girl Party video?  That woke up Mama Bear.

Luckily, the group routines kicked in before Melissa and Cathy started rolling around on a floor covered in glitter stars.  Which would probably bring in a substantial amount of additional revenue if Lifetime ever wanted to get a slice of the the Pay-Per-View pie.

Think about it, guys.  You can even steal my idea as long as I get ringside seats.

Candy Apples was up first with their salute to Vivi-Anne‘s new status as an American Citizen.  You go, girl.

You go and get some ice cream when this is over, because you did awesome.

vivNow you know I love me some droopy loopy little Vivi-Anne, but I swore if she just ran across that stage waving a flag and then exited Stage Right, I was never going to watch this show again.  You have no idea.

Thankfully, she actually danced a little once she climbed up to the top of that homemade 2×4 (…you couldn’t have painted it?…) Olympic Medal Stand and kind of looked like the Mini-Me version of some international singer whose name escapes me right now.

Not JLo.  But somebody else.

I heart Vivi-Anne. I bet her citizenship papers even say ‘WTF’ somewhere on them.

Jeanette’s Fenton, MI-based Broadway Dance Academy (…I still don’t know why that cracks me up…) was next with their hip hop D-Town’ jam.

Something about little girls doing hip hop always reminds me of the good ol’ Toddlers & Tiaras days, not that that’s a bad thing.  And it’s nice to know that not every hip hop girl has to suds up the hood of a Mustang in booty shorts while she’s getting spanked.

But it still felt a little like American Girl Dolls Gone Wild, which sounds way creepier when I say it out loud.  They wrecked it, tho.  And it wasn’t lyrical.  So there’s that, too.

Bonus Points for the girl who was all like “YeahICanSeeYouAin’tReadyYet.”

Side note:  We did get to see the top of Rachelle Rak‘s head, tho.  And her nose.  She was a judge, so it was a good day in the D-Town ‘hood, yo.hj


Freakin’ finally, the rest of the ALDC girls showed up.

And then it went from panic to PANIC.

Nobody was in makeup.  Nobody was in costume.  Some of them showed up with blue lipstick on.  Some didn’t.  Some still had Burger King on their face.  It was MamaMadness as everyone ran in circles looking for bronzer and face goop and anything with glitter on it so the girls didn’t get pushed out on stage wearing logo sweatpants.

Side note:  How about when Melissa screamed “Mackenzie needs ABS?!!!!”

Don’t we all, honey.  It’s been a looong winter.

Side note Numero Dos:  If all she ate today was a banana, I’m thinking her abs are already showing up just fine.  Probably her ribs, too.  So stop you’re worrying and put some clothes on your kids before they announce Final Call.

Which they did.

Right under the wire, the ALDC made it onto stage.

And killed their No Sign Of Life dance.  Killed it dead.  And won First Place.


For the rest of the scores, you’re going to have to hit up a chat room or something, because our focus right now needs to be in the hallway backstage.

Where.  It.  All.  Went.  D-Town.

Side note:  You know when the entire camera crew (…except for that one guy who was too scared to come out and kept peeping through the crack of the back door…) is in the hallway, it’s gonna be a good one.

Add in cream cheese frosting and a long day….?  You just wait.

After getting hopped up on celebratory Hollywood Here We Come Cake, Abby and the Moms all ran smack into Cathy & Crew in the hallway.  Jeanette asked Abby what she thought of Ava’s performance and it all went downhill from there.

Somehow the discussion turned into some Vivi-Anne bashing, which got Cathy right up in Abby’s face, snapping her Joan Rivers Readers dangerously close to the same nose that Kelly Hyland touched right before she ended up on TMZ.

Jill thought it was hilarious and might possibly be something that should be recorded on her cellphone for posting at a later date of her choosing.

Until Cathy snatched her phone out of her hands, that is.

I mean…SNATCHED.  Like…snatched.

Say it with me:  Jill lost her nutty.  Lost.  It.







Lawd have mercy.

The Mom who has the daughter with ears almost as big as mine had to jump right in between the two of them before they made contact.  And then Holly came up as a second line of defense, shouting “NO NO NO”  with her Louis bag in the crook of her arm like she was criticizing Cathy for carrying the wrong bag with the wrong outfit or something.

Something about the way she said it sounded so Fashion Police.

We love Holly.

I never seen so many camera people and and production people and innocent bystanders trying to purchase Starbound merchandise going totally spaz in one place before.  The guy who used to star in The Commish and The Shield even came out of nowhere to try and pull them apart.  He has a goatee now, BTW.


It was CrazyPants.  Dot com.

One of the Candy Apple Moms was so busy youtubing the whole circus that she almost got konked by one of those fuzzy microphones on a stick that always fall into the shot during a rumble.  Pay attention, lady.

Finally, somebody threw raw meat in two different directions and the ladies separated long enough for The Commish to rip a few fringes off Jill’s jacket.  Even the guy who was too scared to come out had to come out it was such a scene.

And then it was over.

The whole season, actually.  Or at least the first half.  You know how Lifetime do.

So catch your breath.  For a few days, anyway.

Next week it’s The Real Housewives Of Pittsburgh Reunion.

The Dress Up Episode.

Holly…should I wear my fancy stuff?


Dance Moms: It’s The Final Pittsburgh Showdown And There’s Just Enough Time To Finally Star In Your Own Life.

Wednesday, April 29th, 2015




Hold up. When I left for the Grammys, didn’t Miss Sasha here have short hair? Mind. Blown.






It’s nice to see you again, too, ma’am. But let’s keep both jazz hands up where I can see ’em, ‘kay?







Don’t ask.








So I taught myself how to do the Kylie Jenner Challenge just by watching a youtube video.






No lie. Took her two tries. First time she couldn’t get the shot glass off her face.







She knows she’s got it on speaker, right? No clue who that boy is, but he sure sounds FABULOUS!






I don’t know what’s in this Häagen-Dazs, but it’s seriously some good s***. God Bless America.




A few notes before we even begin:

One.  Vivi-Anne is back.

I repeat.  Vivi-Anne is back.  This is not a drill.

Cathy Nesbitt-Stein‘s (…Spoiler Alert?….) adopted Candy Apple was back where she belongs this week and I almost spit out my own ice cream sundae I was so excited.

How this kid doesn’t have her own spin-off show by now is beyond me.

Lucille Ball.  Carol Burnett.  And now Vivi-Anne.  The spoon has been passed.

Two.  For the four of you out there with dial-up and no cable who don’t know who the Kardashians are…the Kylie Jenner Challenge is when you stick a drinking glass or water bottle on your face and suck really hard until you have lips that look like those yellow floaties you put on babies so they don’t sink to the bottom of the pool.

Three.  Kylie Jenner swears those are her real lips.  Hilarious.

And Four.  Vivi-Anne is back.


Dance Moms continued to rack up the frequent flyer miles this week as everyone returned to the Pittsburgh Mothership after a much more successful (…and slightly less stressful…) second Hollywood road trip.  Moms and kids alike were all glad to be back in familiar territory and sleeping in their own beds, but it was going to be short-lived because in seven days they would all be heading back to California yet again for the grand opening of Abby Lee Miller‘s West Coast ALDC division.

But Phase One of Abby’s plan for world domination would have to wait, because this week (…which is actually two weeks in TVTime and probably 6 months in DogYears…) was going to be packed full of dance.  And drama.  And even a music video premiere and some tasty dairy products.  A lot of stuff.

So let’s get going.

While they were in town, the gang would be competing at the Starbound National Talent Competition as well as doing whoknowswhat at the locally hosted JUMP Dance Convention (…which is a big dealio if you’re a dancer type, I guess…) so Abby had clearly already over extended herself before she even got to the Pyramid of Shame.

As everyone filed into the building and got their bearings after three weeks on the road, Kira was quick to point out that the dreaded Candy Apples Dance crew would be participating in the upcoming competition.  She saw it on Social Media.  Former ALDC wannabe-Dance Mom Jeanette Cota would be attending the competition as well, which Jessalyn also verified via Social Media.


These Moms do love their Social Media.

Side note:  For all their tweeting and texting and Instagramming and iPhone-looking-at-ing (…is that even a real word?…) I did find it slightly ironic towards the end of the episode when my MomCrush Jill didn’t know what time it was because she wasn’t wearing a watch.  You know there’s an app for that, right?

I think I love Jill too much sometimes.

And speaking of.  Jill Vertes Fashion Watch:  Mama V is definitely at her best when she’s in the cooler Pennsylvania temperatures and can bust out her signature looks.  In my head I imagine that her walk-in closet looks exactly the Jim Henson design studios where they make Muppets.  Bright colors and shiny stuff and sequins and feathers and furry things as far as the eye can see.

You know I’m right.  And you know it must be awesome.

Abby’s Weekly Sia Chandelier/Elastic Heart Reference:  I swear she doesn’t even wait for the Pyramid anymore.  Turns out that the highlight of Abby’s entire Hollywood trip was Maddie performing at the Grammys.  Because she did that.  And you didn’t.

Bottom of the Pyramid was reserved parking for Kendall, Mackenzie and Nia.  Did I mention that Kendall compared Cathy and Jeanette to alligators?  Because she did.  It didn’t really make much sense, but she’s so cute it doesn’t even matter.


She gets it from her Mama, yo.

Honey Bow Bow Child JoJo and Kalani filled the Pyramid mezzanine.  Which left the top wide open for Maddie…

Abby’s Weekly Sia Chandelier/Elastic Heart Reference #2:  …who performed at the 57th Annual Grammy Awards.  Which was the 57th time you didn’t.

Kendall and Kalani scored solos, while the group routine was going to be a deep, chilling sumthin sumthin that didn’t really matter since (…Spoiler Alert…) there was almost no dancing actually done on Dance Moms this week.  True, we saw a few little blips of rehearsals, but not much else.  I’m assuming that will all be coming next week in Part Two or they’re gonna need to change the title of this show.

Or maybe the dancing parts had to be cut out to make room for that bitter flashback of Abby’s former bestie who chewed his way through the restraints and ran to Ohio to choreograph a winning number for the Candy Apples.

Memo to self:  Don’t piss off Abby Lee Miller.

Melissa Ziegler-Gisoni Hair Watch:  I’m not sure what was happening this week.  My vote is still for last episode’s Ariana Grande poof, if anyone’s asking.  But honestly, until your kid has a music video or borrows Beyoncé‘s lip gloss backstage at the Grammys, you’re not even allowed to have an opinion.


We love Melissa.  And her Priscilla Presley meets Open Sunroof bouffant.

As the girls got to rehearsing some dance about a helicopter looking for dead bodies, the Battle of the Video Vixens raged on upstairs in the MomPerch.  Jill and Holly were still at odds over their daughters’ competing (…or not competing…) music videos.  Jill said Holly just got lucky with all her fancy celebrity contacts.  (AwHellNah.  Was she talking smack about me on national television?)  Holly was just being a proud Mama.  Jill was jealous but not jealous.  Holly was bragging but not bragging.

And Mikey Minden was straight up FABULOUS.  Period.

Nia’s music video premier party was set for Valentine’s Day, which meant that all the other Moms were hemming and hawing about whether they could make it on such a romantical kinda day.  But they were all going to somehow manage to attend JUMP, so if you actually rewind the scene and watch the discussion a second time, nothing really makes sense.

While that conversation went in circles, we scooted across town to meet up with both the Candy Apples contingent and Jeanette’s Broadway Dance Academy posse.

Apparently, nobody wants to drive all the way to Ohio anymore, so both teams rented out the same space at the local docal Pittsburgh Arthur Murray Dance Studio.


You remember Jeanette.  She’s the one who was part of last season’s ALDC Junior Select or Elite or Super Supreme whatever it was called team for a hot second before Abby kicked her daughter Ava to the curb for being too tall.  Jeanette owns the Broadway Dance Academy (…located in not-NYC Michigan, which is, by itself, somehow ironically hilarious…) and has hair that goes back and forth between straight and crazy with no rhyme or reason.  I really like her.  But she hates Abby.

Needless to say, crazy hair and a hatred for Abby immediately bonded her with Cathy when they collided at the studio later in the day.

Side note:  The Candy Apples Mom who always wears that choker from Claire’s and the other Mom who refuses to pin back her daughter’s floppy ears were also in the hizzle once again.  And before you hit ‘send’ on the hate mail, you know I’m just joking about her ears, because we’ve already discussed numerous times how my mud flaps are even more substantial than Chloe‘s.  So please don’t get me started again.

And then Cathy took Vivi-Anne out for ice cream.  Because…ice cream.

Seriously.  This kid.  Besides having what I can only assume must be off-the-chart calcium-enriched bone density, Vivi-Anne is a comic genius.

I still don’t know if it’s hay fever or lack of sleep or taking NyQuil when you should be taking DayQuil or if she’s just crashing from all that sugar, but Vivi-Anne don’t play.  At all.


She also apparently Don’tGiveAF***.


But she does love her ice cream.


I also don’t know if she sleeps in one of those Michael Jackson oxygen chambers or what, because she looks exactly like she did five years ago when she was bumping into things wearing a bumble bee costume.  How is that even possible?

Newsflash:  Turns out that Vivi-Anne is not only adopted, but just recently got her American Citizenship and little flag-on-a-stick, which is beyond awesome for any child.  All kidding aside, that is an amazing accomplishment at any age.  And kudos to Mom for adopting, because so many kids need a home out there.

Now back to the kidding part.

Turns out that some of the sordid back-story between Abby and Chaos Cathy stems from Cathy not telling Vivi-Anne she was adopted.  Really.  Apparently Abby said something nasty about it at one time and Cathy has never forgiven her.  She may have forgotten to tell her kid she was adopted, but she never forgot how Abby made her feel.

Side note:  I don’t think you really need to graduate from the Sesame Street Police Academy to know that One Of These Things Is Not Like The Other.  Maybe that’s just me.

But whatever.  Because at the end of the day when she’s around her daughter, The Grinch’s small heart grows three sizes.  And Vivi-Anne gets a lifetime of Rocky Road.

Back at the ALDC, Holly hit up Jeanette on her Sidekick to invite the whole gang to Nia’s video premiere.  Because I guess they’re all friends now.  Which means that Holly has Jeanette AND Aubry O’Day in her speed dial.  She’s gonna need a bigger data plan pretty soon for all those fancy

Melissa Ziegler-Gisoni Eye Twitch Tally:  I can’t count that high.

Side note:  I have a real problem with people who talk into the butt end of their cell phones like they’re some Real Housewife of Wherever.  I don’t know why, but I legit do.  So Cathy needs to stop doing that asap.

Abby’s Weekly Sia Chandelier/Elastic Heart Reference #3:  Abby told KendallK that if she screws up her solo, she’ll never see the final cut of her own upcoming music video.  So Kendall better imagine her #WearEmOut song going to the Grammys like Sia and Maddie or she’ll never get to be Kendall with an extra ‘K’at the end.

Side note: Back at the Arthur Murray Studios, Ava’s solo was based on all the ‘Hurtful Words’ that Abby and others had thrown in her face over the years.

Like being too tall.  Too skinny.  Looking like a Praying Mantis.  And never eating.

I don’t who she is, but that Mama who piped up and was all like GurrlPleez!NotEating?ISeenYouAtTheTable basically made my entire night.  Maybe my week.  She needs to guest star on Vivi-Anne’s new sitcom during the first season, please.

Words can hurt, kids.  The More You Know.

And then Abby pulled together enough ALDC dancers to open the 2016 Olympics to tell everyone that even though she was (…or maybe was not, it wasn’t very clear…) moving to California, the Pittsburgh ALDC would go on like it always has until the end of time.

One.  Every tweenybopper with a cellphone probably had a meltdown when one of the dreamy Nick‘s was spotted in the crowd.  I forget which one he is.  I can’t remember if he’s the one who made Brooke swallow her gum or not.

Two.  Loud and Proud Christ-y Hunt made a cameo appearance, but she didn’t smack anybody around at the front desk this time.


And Three.  There were certainly a lot of random babies in the front row that Maddie had to keep picking up.  She probably thought they were Grammy trophies.

Finally, it was #StarInYourOwnLife music video premiere time!

Holly and her husband Evan had taken over some Toddlers & Tiaras ballroom to reveal Nia’s slickly produced music video to an exceptionally hyper crowd.  Nia’s two brothers even skipped out on baseball or football or whatever it was practice to support their sister. The other Moms also managed to make it just in time for the viewing, but stood in the back looking kinda cranky.  I don’t know if it was editing or if Lifetime was pumping some stink into the room, but nobody looked very happy.  I’m going to assume it was for television, because I know they all support each other deep down and would all be there if they could.  Kids included.

Side note:  I miss Toddlers & Tiaras.  If they can put a man on the moon, I still don’t understand why they can’t get a kiddie pageant back on TLC.  Seriously.

Side note Numero Dos:  Holly was so proud I thought she was going to have an aneurism.  F’real.  I love when she gets so worked up over Nia.  It gives me the warm fuzzies.

I don’t care if you call it bragging or being proud or just needing to cut back on caffeine…it doesn’t matter.  Mama loves her baby.  And Mama gives the best pre-game pep talks.

Mama also said the word ‘Shenanigans’ which I don’t believe anyone has used since the Spring of 1924.  But I don’t have a PhD, so I can’t confirm it.  I know you shouldn’t end a sentence with the word ‘it’ but I’m not up on my Prohibition lingo.  Sorry.

And look at this little pipsqueak.  I swear he shaves his head every day, because he looks exactly the same whenever Holly posts a photo online.  Mama raised some Social Media heartbreakers, to be sure.


JoJo showed up for the premiere, but the rest of the ALDC girls were either on Valentine’s Day dates or doing whoknowswhat at JUMP (…umm, competing maybe?  Der…) so they couldn’t make it.  But that wasn’t gonna stop the party.  Even Abby made it just under the wire.  Because you know That One loves a good party.

She also loves hugging Evan, apparently.  Did you see her trying to get a little sumthin sumthin after the video?  Back it up, honey.

The Professor is right over there and she can see you.

Oh.  I almost forgot.  The video.  Which was Off.  The.  Hook.

Nia was all like whipping it.


And giving Janet Jackson hands everywhere.

tumblr_nnje3fZmGL1tb8iyko5_500And whatever you call that move.

tumblr_nnjeceRQd01tb8iyko4_400Dang, girl.  I’ll have what she’s having.

I offered to send Nia a metal ‘D’ made out of Home Depot lightbulbs so she could rearrange those background letters and spell ‘DAN’ for the remix version of the video, but she’s not responding to any of my tweets.  I’m going to assume that she’s just very busy.

Everyone loved the video.  Even Abby (…after she crushed two of Evan’s ribs…) had to admit that it was pretty sweet.  Of course she had to toss in one zinger at the end about Hashtag:  Starring In Your Own Real Life Not In Your Own Contrived Real Life, but I was too busy spray painting myself silver to get very twisted.

And then Jill, Melissa and Kira took off without even saying goodbye.  Jessalynn just kind of stood there, so it wasn’t clear if she wanted to stay or go with them or line up for the Evan One Dollah A Hug Booth.  He did look pretty fly in his suit.

But it didn’t matter who left or stayed.  Nia was having her Moment.  And that’s all that really mattered.  And anyone who wants to debate what a 13 year old’s video is ‘supposed’ to look like can show me their 13 year old kid’s video and then we’ll talk.

Part One was over.

Next week we’ll see how the dancing portion of the show works out before everyone heads back to Hollywood for Round Three.  We’ll also get to see what piece of awesomeness my MomCrush pulls out of her closet for the competition.  Because I know y’all love my Fashion Watch alerts.

Right, Jill?


Or not, I guess.

Spoiler Alert:  Black leather.  With fringe.

I know, right?  Shut.  Up.

Nia.  Dance us out of here, will ya?

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