Posts Tagged ‘ALDCLA’

Dance Moms: When The ALDC Gets Thrown To The Hungry Wolves, Let The Potato Chips Fall Where They May.

Wednesday, January 13th, 2016

mz

 

 

We all want to be at the top of the Food Pyramid cuz that’s where they put the chips. Figure it out.

 

judge

 

 

Hi. Yeah. The dance was cute. I was just wondering why you still wear pigtails. Aren’t you like 27?

 

 

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She doesn’t wanna mess with me right now. I know way too much. I know so much stuff…

 

 

wtf

 

 

I dunno. I have a PhD for cryin’ out loud. I just show up cuz craft services always has chips.

 

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Nom. Nom. Nom. Dance Moms Is On. Nom. Nom. Nom. Dance Moms Is On. Nom. Nom. Nom.

 

 

bbq

 

 

OMG. I can’t. These BBQ chips are so hot. It’s like they’re literally burning my eyes right now.

 

 

a1

 

 

That smart a** kid might be right about these chips, cuz I’m eating like I just got out of prison.

 

 

 

Srsly.

Was it just me, or did anyone else get the Dance Moms munchies this week?

Not sure why, but something made me hungry.  Like a wolf, almost.  I couldn’t stop eating for the whole hour.  I think I went through two bags of potato chips.

I couldn’t tell if it was emotional eating, or stress induced, or what.  Probably both.

I mean, this is Dance Moms, right?  Whatever it was, I’m not proud.

Don’t get me wrong.  I’d totally do it again.  But I’m not proud.

635827983750906392-241400791_potato chipIt was Week #2 of the new competition season down at the ALDCLA, and as everyone arrived for the Pyramid of Shame: West Coast Version, it was clear that the three hour time change was once again having an effect on Abby Lee Miller‘s behavior.

Something about California really messes with her equilibrium, I swear.

It was also Week #2 of the Abby-imposed moratorium against ALL other outside activities for the girls.  Because Dance was the focus now.  Dance was the priority now.

Except for Maddie, that is, who was MIA somewhere doing a movie.  And Abby herself, of course, who was MIA somewhere being certifiably crazy.

Hey, kids.  Can you say ‘Double Standards?’  Because Holly certainly could.

And then Holly made this #HollyFace…

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…and then this one…

h3…and then broke her own record for how many #HollyFaces she could make before the first commercial.  We heart Holly so hard sometimes.

Eventually, Abby rolled in with no eyebrows (…and hair that on the Miller BackComb And Tease Scale of 1-100 barely moved the needle to a shaky 4…) and began searching frantically for something to rat up the top of her ‘do so we could all finally get going.

Side note:  Abby has a makeup artist that follows her around the studio all day.

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F’realz.  And her name is Diana.  Just like Wonder Woman.  And she has Pebbles Flintstone hair and a blood pressure reading that is probably off the charts.

And she doesn’t get paid enough.  Trust me.  Granted, I’ve never actually seen her paystub, but I can pretty much guarantee you that she doesn’t get paid enough.

Here’s Diana changing outfits for the Nickelodeon Awards last year:

tumblr_n9k26fM59j1s2wio8o1_500As soon as my MomCrush Jill saw Abby drawing in her own eyebrows with Diana’s waterproof Sharpie, she knew there was going to be some kind of a problem this week.

tumblr_n0r2el5kSW1r1rmzqo2_500Red Flag, people.  Red Flag.

Remember last year when Abby started unraveling and dumped her entire purse out on the floor looking for I forget what?  And she found a cookie instead?

anigif_enhanced-3488-1428823212-14Spoiler Alert:  You see where this mess is all headed.

Let’s try and keep focus for a second, tho.

Bottom of the Pyramid:  MIA Maddie, KalaniKendall and Mackenzie.  Mezzanine Level:  Nia and JoJo and JoJo’s Hamster Ball Dance from last week.

And on Top: Maddie Stand-In/Guest Dancer Brynn!

Fashion Notes:  The kids looked great in their new Black & White gear.

Not so matchy-matchy for a change, which was nice.  Most of the Moms even decided to go along with this week’s Pantone theme.  I think Brynn’s Mom Ashlee may have overslept on the day they filmed her interview confessional, because one shot looked like she was still wearing a black lace nightie.

Or maybe not.  Regardless, we really enjoy the new Mom, even though she definitely likes to make sure all her girls get some air-time…if you know what I mean.

ashThis week the gang was headed to another one of those New York Dance Experience competitions where you get live critiques on stage while you’re still standing there trying to catch your breath.

Solos:  Kendall would perform a routine titled “The Meltdown” since last week’s interaction with her Mom was still so fresh in her head.

Just.  Stop.  Talking.  Mom.  Gawd.

Mackenzie was going to revive her famous Season One moment  “All I Want To Do Is Sit On The Couch And Eat Chips” from 5 years ago, even though Abby totally got the quote wrong from the get-go.  Google before Choreo.  Always.

Remember that youtube clip?

When Mackenzie was only 6 years old and was missing half her teeth and preferred a bag o’ Lay’s over accepting any and all lead roles on Broadway?

acve#Full Disclosure:  That’s not actually the video.  That’s me last night watching this show.

Sometimes I think I may be a little too invested in their lives.  But I digress.

The third solo was going to Nia and would be based on Taraji P. Henson‘s sassy character Cookie on the hit musical drama Empire.

One.  Shout out to Taraji for bringing home the Golden Globe this week!

Two.  We’re almost half way through already and this recap is just now starting to make any sense?  Time Management’s not really my thang, yo.  I like pretty pictures.

Side note:  Melissa was being all feisty this week and not taking any crap from Abby.

Sup widdat?

melThe group routine “Hungry Like The Wolves” was Abby’s way of telling the girls that they needed to remain hungry…umm…like wolves.

Q.  Do I really need to keep breaking down all the subtle nuances of this show for you every week?  Haven’t you been around long enough by now to figure this stuff out on your own so I can get to bed earlier on Tuesday nights?  Seriously.

Melissa said that Mackenzie’s potato chip quote was so famous that people had even made shirts about it and sold them on eBay, which was news to me.  But I believe her.

I personally have at least three Pittsburgh Dance Moms logo tees that are stained with grease because I have a bad habit of wiping my hands on my clothing instead of getting my lazy a** off the couch and grabbing a napkin.

Look at this crew eating potato chips.  Even gophers have better manners.

giphy-5 And speaking of a**.

We’re jumping ahead a little bit, but Abby called Mackenzie a smart a**.

I know right?  To her face.  With the kids in the car!

All because she didn’t like the answer little MackZ gave her when asked about this week’s solo.  Get the quote right first and then maybe we can have a pop quiz, lady.

Lemme tell you, Melissa was not having it and charged right into the studio for an emotional YouSaid SheSaid MaddieWoulda MackenzieCoulda screaming match which resulted in Melissa storming back to the bleachers warning all of America that Abby shouldn’t mess with her because she knew so much shizz about Abby’s…I dunno…finances…maybe?

stuff

Whoa.

Which brings us to Good Morning America‘s Breaking News.

sddefaultWait.  What?

Hold that sparkly iPhone a little closer to your face, Jill.  What is this all about?

At first Holly was all like ‘I’mNotOneToGossipButThisLooksInteresting’

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And then she was all like ‘OoohNoSheDin’t!’

hj(Look at Jill’s SideEye.)

And then they were all straight out like ‘SayWhaaaaa?’
2e6eb8bde47add19377db025c5aae756I mean, like…

copySo, yeah.  I totally just told that whole story backwards.  But you get the gist of it.  And the end result was the same.  Sometimes you need to just go with the flow.

And by now you’ve all seen the TMZ stories and the CVS magazine articles while you’re standing in line buying your 75% OFF christmas wrap.  So take it to the chatrooms.  You know what these recaps are all about by now.  Stress makes me…you know.

chipsNeedless to say, the Moms were concerned and Abby was in denial.

Jill wanted to discuss the Elephant In The Corner (…what does that even mean?  Isn’t he just there in the room wandering around?…) but Abby was going on like it was just another day at the office.  Except for the itchy nose part.

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a2Yup.  Just another day at the ALDCLA.

Despite all the media hoopla, the girls needed to rehearse for the the weekend.

Did I mention that Abby wanted Nia to twerk?  Like Nicki Minaj twerk?  Because she did.

Well.  My Anaconda don’t.  And neither does Nia.

nia

Nia’s a young lady now.  And a role model.  And raised right.  And even though Abby showed her how she wanted it done, it wasn’t gonna happen.

Q.  What do you think that driver thought when he cruised by the window and saw all of this goodness pressed up against the glass?

twr

A.  True Story.

giphy-1Finally, it was Showtime!

Actually, there was a whole bunch of other MelissaStress and yelling and checking TMZ updates that went down before Competition Day, but all the potato chip jokes have put me a little behind schedule.  Abby even called Mackenzie a disappointment and made her go on that bouncy tumble track thing and even went for Maddie’s baby teeth during one argument with Melissa.

Not literally, like they were in a jar or something.  You know what I mean.

But this recap is running long, so we’re all leaving for NYDE right now, with or without you.

As the team arrived at the venue, the Moms were wondering what kind of reception they would receive, since you know how kids today do love their social media.  Nobody knew if they would be walking into a cheering crowd or a firing squad.

Drumroll, please.

They had shirts made!

dtcs

Well, not that one.

You wish.

That’s the one Jill wears when she cleans the bathroom.

The crowd was actually wearing this one…

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Side note:  I’ve been waiting almost a month for my 3 pack of Hanes to ship from Macys.com and yet somehow a herd of adolescent girls managed to manufacture brand new JailBreak couture and have the ink already dry by the weekend?

Something ain’t rite.

Let’s wrap this thing up, shall we?

The solos went well from the audience’s perspective.  Mackenzie wore pigtails again, of course.  Because, you know…she’s Mackenzie.  And that’s kind of her thing until forever.

Kendall was supposed to wear latex old lady makeup, but freaked out and peeled it off like they do at a day spa when you need your pores unclogged.  Word on the street is that she was allergic to the rubber, even though we never actually got the full deets before she had her pre-Meltdown…meltdown.

Nia nailed her routine, even though it was clear that the Sass to Actual Choreography Ratio was a little skewed.  If I had remembered to mention earlier that this week’s winning solo would also do a solo NEXT week, the last few paragraphs would have been more beneficial in the long run.

My bad.  But you gotta admit the gophers were on point.

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And so were those wolf costumes, right?

ws1Those were the Real Deal.

I guess the days of sitting up in that MomPerch hot glueing Joanne Fabric sequins to iParty hats are truly long gone now, even though I really do miss Kelly and Christi swearing every time they burnt their fingers.

Shout out!  We miss you!

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True Story:  That clip is actual backstage surveillance camera footage from the first time Kelly ever read my blog and I made fun of her hair.

Relax.  I apologized like a million times.

And then the Awards.

Mackenzie took 4th Place for her Dance of the Eternal Pigtail.  Kendall only scored 3rd Place but at least got a free facial for all her trouble.  And Nia’s Cookie routine came in Second Place.

And then the group lost.

No First Place nothing for nobody.

At least that pretty lady on the stage got to pretend she had her own Talk Show for the day.  Look at her go.

We’ll be right back with Mackenzie after this commercial for Palmolive.

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And then Abby lost it again.

The Moms were just trying to let her know that they were all there for her and supporting her and if she wanted to talk about all the stuff that she wasn’t talking about they would all be around to talk about it and if she–

Hold up.

Did Abby just say–?

Did she just imply that they might all be going to jail with her?

Excuse me?

jvThat’s it.

I’m done.

The Moms were done.

Everyone was done.

Let’s just go eat, girls.  My treat.

giphy-4Cuz I don’t know about you, but I’m hungry again.

See you next time!

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Dance Moms: The ALDC Is Back And Better Than Ever! Hate To Burst Your Hamster Bubble…But They Be Rollin’.

Wednesday, January 6th, 2016

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Why is this big star stuck on the window when I specifically ordered it for my dressing room?

 

bub

 

 

Look at her face! That is so totally the shade of blue eye shadow I want for my next video.

 

 

mjs

 

 

Now just hold on. Siri says a person can live without air for 4 minutes. Isn’t the song 5 minutes?

 

 

bfUKeM9

 

 

Just let Mommy clean this for you and then we can watch Dance Moms.

 

a

 

 

If we lose her, that new kid wears the same size jacket so I’m not gonna stress myself out over it.

 

 

jam

 

 

I don’t care who you are, lady. Just get your team and your personal paparazzi photog outta here.

 

 

 

 

Srsly. If it’s gonna take 30 minutes to set up that stage, we’re gonna need 2 hotdogs over here.

 

 

 

So.

Not to get deep or anything.  But.

You ever feel like sometimes you’re just going ’round and ’round in circles?

Like you’re making progress and yet going nowhere at the same time?  Like that elusive water bottle of Life is just within reach but then all of the sudden your emergency release hatch zipper is on the wrong side?  Why does that always seem to happen?

Why can’t Life just be easy all the time?

And why is this kitten even inside a hamster ball in the first place?  Where’s the hamster?

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Which reminds me.

Dance Moms is back.

After a brief hiatus for some summer sun, fun and new extensions (…yeah…I’m looking at you, MomCrush Jill…) the whole gang is back in bidnezz at the new ALDCLA studio.

Everyone except Kira, that is.

In Real Time, she’s already delivered a redoinkulously cute newborn and literally HashTagged #BabyJett so many times that I feel she owes me money for baby sitting.

But in TV Time, Kira’s still L’eggo My Preggo and back home waiting for his arrival.

I mean…c’mon.  Look at this little peanut playing his imaginary saxophone.

Sup, playskool playas?

CVTdLqCVEAA8On0During Kira’s absence, Melissa has taken over legal guardianship of Kalani, just in case her appendix bursts on the bus, I guess.

At first I thought maybe MamaZ had just traded kids for a week, because Maddie was clearly MIA as everyone strolled and HoverRolled up to the studio.

Side note:  Nothing personal, JoJo and Mackenzie, but can I tell you how much I’m already OVER this hoverboard craze?  I swear.  I’m sure they’re wicked fun and all.  And they look so sci-fi that I’m totally a little jealz that the inner ear infection I had when I was 6 years old still makes me fall down escalators if I try to ride them backwards.

But if I see one more Mall Cop trying to chase down Marty McFly in the food court…

I swear.

Turns out that Maddie was off somewhere filming a movie that was being directed by the same guy who did Jurassic World.  Remember when Chris Pratt was pudgy?

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To recap.  Maddie: Nowhere to be found.  Kendall:  Standing right there in front of Abby.

You do the math.  Because Jill certainly did.

jvtSide note:  Check it out.  They finally got rid of those size 3T tutus that have been hanging behind everyone’s head for 5 years.  I swear the pink one was from Chloe‘s first ballet class.  I miss ChloeBird and Christi.  And Kelly and Paige and Brooke, too.  Shout out!

Once everybody got comfortably situated inside the shiny new ALDCLA, Abby immediately laid down the law.  After losing out at last season’s Nationals to Jeanette Cota and her BDA troupe (…kinda sorta the Team Formally Known As Candy Apples…) the ALDC was going back to its roots.

Dance.  Dance.  More Dance.  And then nothing but Dance.

That’s right.  You heard me.  A moratorium on extracurricular activities.

It didn’t matter that the whole point of uprooting everyone and shipping them FedEx from PA to LA was to boost their careers and open up a whole new world of opportunities.

Nope.  Psych.

My girl Nia Sioux (…“Excuse me, Boo…you’re in my way”…) didn’t make this face until the end of the show, but she made one almost exactly like it when Abby announced the new ruling.  So it still works.  Plus, it’s too good to waste at the bottom of this recap when you’re all zoning out.

#WhatchooTalkinBoutAbby?

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Gurrrrl, pleez.  You tell me she’s not her mother’s daughter.  I mean, like…

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We love Holly so much.

Side note:  New #LifeGoal is to walk by the front window of that studio and have my face blurred out like I’m running from the cops.  How do we make this happen?

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Needless to say, the next few minutes were nothing but trying to figure out why Maddie could go off and film a movie which was clearly an extracurricular activity while the rest of the girls were not allowed to do extracurricular activities like filming a movie and then Jill got kind of loud and then Kendall went…

shI’m not really sure why someone felt the need to insert those Honey Boo Boo Child subtitles since Kendall was already yelling at the top of her lungs, but whatev.

Honestly, I was more concerned with who they paid off at city hall to keep all those parking spots empty in front of the studio for the next 8 months.

You see that?  There are never that many empty parking spots in Los Angeles.  Ever.

I’m totally getting a Hertz rental and pulling right up onto the sidewalk this season.  Then you can all watch my blurred out face and a** being towed down the street to the police station.  But I’m not worried, tho, because my boy Bryan Stinson will bail me out.

He’s the one with the Apple Launch headset that Holly almost pushed down at the Reunion Show last season.

Gah.  I don’t care what you say.  I still l love this show.

gOh.  And the girls all got new head shots that were totes mcgotes glamazoned up.

No more little tykes sitting on the floor while Abby spins around the Season One chalkboard.  Our girls are all grown up now.

Programming note:  At today’s performance, the role of Maddie Ziegler will be played by Brynn Rumfallo.  Because Brynn was back!  And  so was her sassy Mom Ashlee.  

I think JoJo had a little BowEnvy when Brynn ran into the studio.  JoJo’s was still bigger, but the last thing you want is anyone moving in on your signature look.

I’m not sure what kind of envy, if any, the Moms were having, but every camera angle made it look like Jessalynn was trying to figure out if Ashlee’s boobs were real or not.

boobFYI:  The last time Brynn had been with the ALDC was for a performance on Dancing With The Stars, where Melissa had (…allegedly…) told Tom Bergeron that the other girls were all just backup dancers for Maddie.  Needless to day, Ashlee called her out on it as soon as the Moms hit those visibly uncomfortable carpet-covered plywood seats.

Melissa said it never happened and made this face.  Look at that vein in her neck.

mBut Ashlee kept talking and Melissa kept checking for early signs of an aneurysm.

m1Ashlee vs. Melissa.  Ashlee vs. Jill.  Ashlee just wasn’t liking it.

sassy dannyFun Trivia:  That guy from American Idol is a Drag Queen now.

tumblr_nj4fgeWetz1qk08n1o1_500At this week’s Sheer Talent Competition, Brynn scored a solo and JoJo was going to be put into one of those infomercial vacuum sealer bags that you store your winter clothes in when you do spring cleaning.

Well, sorta.

It was was going to be a take off on The Boy In The Plastic Bubble movie.  Which is not to be confused with the Bubble Boy movie starring Jake Gyllenhaal that I posted at the top of all this hilarity, which will still get me hate tweets for the wrong photo even though I’m telling you right now I already know which movie is which.

The Boy In The Plastic Bubble is the one starring John Travolta when he still had Vinny Barbarino hair and bell bottoms even though he’s wearing shorts right now.

20100217-john-travolta-1-600x411Side note:  The irony that most of the people who watch Dance Moms are younger then those kids looking into Vinny’s bubble has not escaped me.  Some of you may need to hit pause and fire up the Google for a few minutes while I sit here getting old.

Somehow Abby found one of those giant inflatable water bubble things, shoved JoJo inside and inflated it until her eardrums burst.

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Who knew that Gianna had a leaf blower in her Louis Bag?  What are the chances?

lbAccording to the directions, it’s fun for 5 minutes.

tumblr_mi3jhpjLVO1s2589qo1_500And then you die.

tumblr_lltcmaEf421qhigt0o1_500This show does like the drama.

Totally unrelated, check out these two hamsters going backwards on a record player.

hamsters-spinning-on-turntable-1As they tried to revive JoJo, we scooted over to the BDA to see what they’d been up to all summer.

Jeanette was all like OhHeyGirfriends and tossed it up high.  National Champions, Bitches.  I like her better with straight hair, not that she ever asked for my opinion.

jcOther stuff happened, but honestly, all that really mattered to me was that the Morales Posse was back in the hizzle.  YAAAAS!  They’re baaaack!

We love Jo and Gavin and McKenzie With No ‘A.’

Remember GDawg’s face when Lucas Triana called him a pissy little bitch?

WTF, dude?

g-1If I recall correctly, Jo even took off her shoes AND earrings and got ready to rumble right before security came in and hosed down Brigette.

This show.  I swear.

Gavin was all like ‘WhoopWhoopHollaBackLadies’ while McKenzie just stood there in utter disbelief that someone would touch her damn head after it took her a solid 45 to get that bun right.

gmThe Short Version:  BDA was going to do their own interpretation of ALDC’s Second Place “Waiting Room” dance from Nationals to show them how it should be done.  And Gavin wears a lot of hair product for lift and shine.

Commence heartbreaking in Three…Two…One.  HowYouDoin?

gv

Back at the ALDCLA, everyone got all excited that Maddie was calling in via satellite.

Because that’s totally what they called it, like she was riding around on the Mars Explorer land rover or something.

It’s called FaceTime, people.  And I still don’t understand why Skype video is blurrier than the actual shots of Mars dirt sent from 783 billion miles away from Earth.  Can’t someone fix that by now?  We can call people on Dick Tracy watches already, fercryinoutloud.

giphyAnd then Jill opened her mouth and I swear that Holly’s voice came out of it.  F’realz.

Because Jill said that even though they support Abby and will still do things with Abby, she will do whatever it takes to give Kendall the best future possible.

Wait.  What?

tumblr_nnwi1dEwiN1tb8iyko1_500I mean.  I’m not saying that someone’s been saying that all along, but…

hfI mean…

tumblr_nnwi1dEwiN1tb8iyko1_500Oy vey.

Finally, it was Showtime!

Maddie was back from Mars for some PepTalk and MovieTalk.  It’s still so funny to see these kids without braces on their teeth.

mzDid you catch when Ashlee was so busy talking that she sewed Brynn’s headpiece directly into her skull?  That’s gonna leave a mark in the morning.

Q.  Since the girls had never actually done a complete run-through of the group dance without the zipper on JoJo’s airbag jamming, Nia Sioux thankfully piped up and asked Abby what they should do if JoJo flatlined in the middle of the routine and they couldn’t get her unsealed.

A.  Scream FIRE.  Because that’s always the best thing to do in a crowded theater.

ashWell, at least they had a plan now.

Gavin’s “The Comeback” solo was da bomb.  He was nervous, but Melissa had said earlier in the episode that he would get bonus points for his boy parts, so I wasn’t worried.

(That’s not exactly what she called them, but I’m trying to maintain my borderline PG-13 rating.  Wish I’d known about these points back in the days when I was trying to raise my score at school dances in the cafetorium.  Dang.  Where my trophy at?)

gmomBrynn’s solo was also quite nice and was even introduced by the same voice guy who does “The White Zone is for Loading and Unloading only” announcements at the airport.

Am I wrong?  Did you hear him?

Somebody on Twitter said Brynn’s penché was amazing, so congrats.  I don’t know what that is, but job well done, honey.  Apparently my Macbook Pro doesn’t know either, because it auto-corrected it to ‘peanut’ two times before it stuck on a ballet term.

And then the ALDC hit the stage with HamsterJoJo.

They came out on stage just like this, I swear.

Hamster1

Side note:  That kid with the blue hamster ball is having a bad day.

The ALDC girls danced all around just like this and the audience loved it.hamsterballWhen the BDA hit the stage is when things got a little chaotic.

All they had to do was set up 6 of those plastic dining chairs that you always see outside restaurants that start with the word ‘Metro-sumthin’ and call it a day.  But for some reason, 10 BDA Moms couldn’t get 6 chairs in a straight line.

Worst.  Wedding.  Planners.  Ever.

Abby got the owner of the competition (…who totally looked like my pizzeria guy in the North End…“You gonna order or sit there all day?”…) so worked up that he disqualified them for going over the 1.75 minute rule for prop-setting-upper-people.

Then Jeanette lost her nutty a little and tore off to the judges’ table with Abby following behind her filming the whole thing on her iPhone like she was sending it back out via satellite to the International Space Station.  Swear to Gawd.

Everyone in the audience looked exactly like this…

mcz

…until Jo got them all doing some kind of Super Bowl stadium cheer that gave me Life.

Eventually the owner caved and let the BDA perform.  Which, regardless of whose side your on, was a good thing because the dance was important to Jeanette due to the loss of her sister in an accident years ago.  It was a sad story.

Gavin slid all the way onstage on his back.  Totally stealing that move at the club this weekend when my song comes on.  Dat’s rite.  I’m doing The Gavin.

You can’t stop me when the beat drops.

And e’rrybody’s gonna look just like this when they see it.  Somebody hold my drink…

h1The Results:

Brynn:  First Place.  Gavin:  Second Place.

ALDC:  First Place.  BDA:  Second Place.  Points deducted for lining up 6 chairs that ended up looking like they were on the Titanic right before it went under.

And then it got weird.

Melissa started to cry because Maddie was gone and then back and then going away again.  And then Abby started to cry because Melissa was crying and made this face…

tg…right before she foreshadowed the future with some cryptic rambling about making mistakes and paying the price and being on TMZ.

Ok.  I made up that last part.  But you know where she was going.

Nia made that face from before…

nia…and then everyone started scratching their weaves.  What is she talking about?

You know what’s coming.  We all do.

But since I just finished a cheeseburger at Mark Wahlberg‘s new restaurant and then came home to pre-order Teresa Guidice‘s JailBreak tell-all book while lying on markdown Martha Stewart sheets that still weren’t cheap, I’m thinking Abby will somehow come out just fine on the other end.  It’s kind of in her DNA.

That’s a saga for another day, tho.

For now, Dance Moms is back!  We got a whole season to get this party started.

ALDC…dance us out of here, will ya?

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Dance Moms: The Road To Nationals Ends Here. Don’t Let The Door Hit You On The Way Out…If You Can Open It.

Thursday, August 13th, 2015

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Imma need you to speak up a little. I can’t hear you over all the sweet bling on my iPhone case.

 

 

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This is the most ratchet Target I’ve ever seen. They don’t even have the grocery store part.

 

 

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How the #@!! does this stupid thing even work? Is it like a refrigerator door?

 

 

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“Nationals.”

 

 

 

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Oh, look. A head wrap. You might wanna get my agent on your crazy phone before I lose it.

 

 

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#NoMorePigtails.

 

 

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Imma let you finish, but that was one of the most F*** Up emcee jobs of all time. Gimme dat…

 

 

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#Push.

 

 

 

 

 

Finally.

Nationals.

Snuck right up on you, right?

It’s been a long, stressful journey to the finish line.  I don’t need to tell anybody that.

The Road To Nationals was fraught with screaming, crying, competing, quitting and then not-quitting, quitting and coming back, breakdowns, meltdowns, construction delays and enough frequent flier miles to transport all of us to the moon and back at least two times with no additional charge for carry-ons.

Not to mention that somehow there was still enough time to pet a few koala bears, launch two new pop stars into the TweenieVerse and for Kira Girard to get herself pregnant.

Yup.  It was a busy year on Dance Moms.

And now it all comes down to the Center Stage 2015 Nationals.

But no Drinking Game this week.  Sorry.

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I don’t want our younger readers to think that’s all the grownups do during this show.

Because that would be wrong.  Pretty close to the truth.  But still wrong.

And it wouldn’t be physically possible.  Or safe.

Let’s be real.  If you took a shot every time you heard the word ‘Nationals’ this week you wouldn’t have even made it through the “Previously on Dance Moms” and “Coming Up on Dance Moms” loop that ran before the opening credits.  Nationals:  Rinse & Repeat.

And no more photos of Abby in her bra, either.  I don’t even want to see that again.

Which brings us to the new ALDCLA studio space, which was a flurry of activity.

Abby Lee Miller was prepping the final Pyramid of Shame.  The Moms were clearly celebrating Black & White Outfit Day.  And the mysterious, never-seen construction crew was in the midst of another union-related work stoppage because that freakin’ place still wasn’t finished.  How is that even possible?

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With only 15 top spot wins in 25 competition weeks, Abby pointed out that those were not the kind of odds you’d want if you were going to bet on your pony down at the race track.

Side note:  The Big Money is actually on the big horses, not ponies.  Granted, you can still see pony racing at a few locations and on the State Fair Circuit.  And it is kind of funny to watch because from far away they look like a bunch of dachsunds just running in circles they’re so tiny.  But if you’re looking for that Trump Check…go for the big dawgs.

The More You Know.

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My MomCrush Jill was concerned that Abby’s recent erratic behavior might somehow negatively effect the team’s chances of winning their fifth straight First Place title at Nationals.  Mama V is pretty smart that way (…Spoiler alert:  Later in the episode she even does math…) but she was willing to give Abby the benefit of the doubt.  For now.

Jessalynn, on the other hand, wasn’t sure Abby even realized that her studio wasn’t completed.  Jess is a straight up hoot and should immediately be given her own spin-off to fill the void during the upcoming hiatus months.  Who do I call?

Assuming the place actually had a roof by Saturday, the Grand Opening of the ALDCLA Studio was scheduled for the same weekend as Nationals.

I know, right?  What could possibly go wrong?

Except everything, maybe?

Not to mention that they would once again be going up against Jeanette Cota and her team of top notch dancers, who had finally secured the proper notarized documentation to legally change their name from Candy Apples to Broadway Dance Academy.

Wait.  What?

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I miss Chaos Cathy Nesbitt-Stein and her army of Apple Cores.

Especially this little nugget.

159157603dd2f4e278f6a980c398fabcAnd this little Candy Apples temp who gave the best WTF? in all five seasons.

gRemember when Lucas Triana mouthed off to my boy Gavin and GDawg was all like WhoaHoldUpWhatchooSayPunk? and then I started to come to his rescue but his Mama beat me to it like a Boss?

Sing it with me:  Don’t tug on Superman’s cape.  Don’t spit into the wind.  Don’t pull the mask off that old Lone Ranger.  And don’t ever call Jo Morales‘ kid a pissy little bitch.

Trust me.  She handled it.  Love her.

JoJo, Mackenzie and Kendall were all on the bottom row of the Pyramid, while Kalani and Maddie held down the Mezzanine.

Which meant that The Artist Formerly Known As Just Nia was on the top!!

AAAAAAND scored a solo at Nationals!

Her first one!  Ever!

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After some discussion, of course.

Kira took issue with last week’s child judges and felt that scented markers and sparkle pens didn’t make for legitimate score sheets.  She thought Kalani should have a solo.

Holly felt Nia should have a solo.  Jill felt that Kira should just be quiet and have a seat, but since Kalani’s Mom was already plopped down in that white pregnancy/dental hygienist’s chair, Jill’s arguments against her were pretty much invalid before she even started.  And who only has one chair delivered at a time, anyway?  Wouldn’t it be more cost effective to get them all on the same truck?

This show.  I swear.

Long story short, you also don’t mess with MamaBear Frazier.  Here’s you solo, honey.

Maddie scored the other solo, which didn’t surprise anyone.  And the group routine, entitled ‘The Waiting Room,’ sounded pretty depressing.

We also got a quick flashback to the last four winning National routines, including fan favorites ‘The Last Text’ and ‘Amber Alert,’ which made me realize how tiny those Hyland kids and Chlobird and the remaining Original Recipe niblets were when this show started.

I mean…pipsqueaks.

So cute, tho.

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True Fact:  They’re all sitting on the floor because Mackenzie couldn’t walk yet and they didn’t want to make her feel bad.  I swear.  I totally Googled it on a made-up website.

As the now grown up (…too soon…) girls got to rehearsing, we scooted down the block to check in on Jeanette and her Broadway Candy Academy Company or whatever it’s called now.  Needless to say, the group routine was going to be a direct attack on Abby again, utilizing bullseye targets and sassy attitudes.

The ‘Myth of the Mermaid’ solo spot was going to Ava.  Because, you know…Ava.

Abby Grudge:  Jeanette rehashed the whole Skinny Girl Cocktail Praying Mantis leg thing and took the opportunity to focus Camera #1 on Chloe #2‘s ears one more time.

earsRelax.  As I’ve said a million times before…my ears are bigger than hers, so she’s got nothing to worry about.  Yes, I’ve found that sleeping on your side does help to flatten them out a little, but it really doesn’t matter when you’re an awesome sauce dancer.

And wind sheer is really only an issue if you’re a skydiver or the Flying Nun.  She’ll be just fine if she sticks to pirouettes.  Plus, her Mom is feisty and I like that.

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Back at the ALDCLA, the girls were working through the hospital waiting room theme of the group dance.  They even had a long row of those airport chairs that are always connected together and placed 6 inches too far from the nearest wall outlet.

Is it just me?  I hope operating rooms have better access to electricity than I do when my cell battery goes into the Red Zone.  It’s 2015 people.  Install some plugs or have your planes take off on time.

Did I mention that Abby took off to buy flooring?  Because she did.  Just like last week when she took off to buy flooring.  She’s either buying a s*** load of Lumber Liquidator planks or that place is only open one hour a day.  Jill was not happy and immediately subtracted 1 from 365 to prove that Abby had 364 other days this year that she could have gone shopping.

Vertes Math.

With two days to go, Gianna and her ombré tips took charge of the rehearsals as the Moms went next door for vegan smoothies and whatever else was listed on that gigantic window menu.  That place certainly has quite an array of snacks for a place that just opened.  Please tell me you saw that gigantic bowl of chips the Moms were noshing on.

Baby Mackenzie would so jealous.  She’d rather eat chips than dance.

chWhile the Moms were busy snarfing Pringles, Holly got a call on her cell from Jeanette.

C’mon.  Is there anyone out there besides me who doesn’t have Holly’s phone number on speed dial by now?  And you see that new case?  How can she even hear it ring under all that bling?  I can’t imagine what’ll happen the next time Mikey Minden calls, because I don’t think even a new iPhone 6 right out of the box can handle that much Faaaabulous happening on the exterior and interior at the same time.

Because Mikey is Faaaabulous, you know.

798dd3373a31d07f936eb68e7a6c1fcbThe call was basically just Jeanette being nosey.  And then she hung up.

Side note:  Check it out.  Holly holds the phone like a Real Housewife now.  You know she never did that when she was a principal, because they just don’t do that.  But look at her now.  You go, girl.  Tell NeNe who gon’ check you, Boo.

Mad love for Mama Frazier.  Can’t wait for her Oprah 2.0 talk show to premiere.

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Somewhere around here was also when Melissa stated that Maddie was the most famous 12 year old in the country, which could be true or nah.  I dunno.  Holly’s cellphone gave me such a headache that I forget what happened next.

Back inside the studio, Melissa tried to coax Maddie’s emotions to the surface during her solo rehearsal by asking her to remember the first person she ever knew who died.

Which made her think of Abby’s Mom, Maryann Lorraine Miller.  Which then made her ugly cry and go hug Abby while Kendall photobombed the shot.

kk 2And then…believe it or not…the ALDCLA Studio was finally ready for its Grand Opening.

I swear.

Melissa had clearly never seen anything so beautiful, because after she was done walking around like she was with the band…

vip…she went out back and made the same face you make when you see your Gym Crush in a sweaty tank top for the first time.  This face.

mz4And then this one.

mz5And isn’t that the same frame they had for the photo booth at Melissa’s wedding, just upside down and painted white?  Look at how crazy Christi looks.  We miss her and her partner in crime.  I’m not sure what’s going on with Jill’s hair, tho.  Maybe she wore a hat to the ceremony.  I wasn’t invited, so I could be making some of this up.  Or all of it.

Melissa_Wedding_tumblr_mlfg4nGY6F1reed45o1_500The place was a tweeny bop zoo, packed full of 12 year olds who may or may not have been more famous than Maddie.  Some of them were posing on the Red Carpet, so I’m gonna assume they must have their face on a lunchbox or something.

Do kids still use those?  I bet they’re not metal anymore.

Wilson Phillips even showed up at the event just to skew the age demographics and get Carnie Wilson one step closer to her goal of being on every single Reality Television show in the history of Reality Television shows.

Side note:  OMG.  Austin Mahone just broke up with Becky G after like two months of dating.  And you didn’t think I knew what the kids were up to nowadays.  Gurrrl, pleez.

tumblr_lq035oF2qT1qbnfoaFinally, it was Showtime!

Jill Vertes Fashion Watch:  Red Bottom Louboutins and not much else.  Nationals, baby.

Backstage, Maddie was running through her number while Nia got strapped into yet another head wrap.  Just like the one she wore last week.  And the week before.  And every week prior except for that one week when Abby made her wear an afro.

LaQuifa What?

They_Call_Me_LaquifaNot that my girl can’t #SLAY a wrap, but enough is enough.  #WeGetIt.

Jeanette and her mermaid daughter walked into the room for some reason, too.  Probably because it’s Dance Moms.  And we don’t lock our doors.

Nia and her head wrap were first to hit the stage.  She nailed it, even when the music skipped ahead 30 seconds due to some blip in the Time Space Continuum.

tumblr_mloh92FtDe1rjxj9ko1_500Srsly.  How does this keep happening?  Especially at Nationals?

Next up was Ava and her mermaid performance.  I swear she gets taller every time she dances, just like Chloe used to do.  Her splits in the air are ridiculous.  So good.

This week Ava even got her own confessional headshot for the first time.  And head shots are way cooler than ALDC track jackets sometimes.  Look at how different she looks with long hair when she’s not doing those ridiculously amazing splits 10 feet up in the air.

avaThe final solo was Maddie’s ‘Someone Special.’

But not until Abby popped up in her own head shot confessional wearing an outfit that I swore I had seen somewhere before, but couldn’t place…

a2…until I remembered.  And then I was all like Oh.  Hail.  No.

Legacy-of-Star-Trek-Uhura(Feel free to pause here and admit that I totally nailed that one.  I’ll wait.)

Backstage, Abby once again hugged the air out of Maddie’s lungs while forgetting that Nia had even performed on the same stage.  I think she may have acknowledged her performance eventually, but by then I was probably too distracted by Mackenzie wearing pigtails…AGAIN…and couldn’t fully appreciate the moment.

Pigtails and Head Wraps.  And Drugs.  Just Say No.

Both group routines were powerful and well executed.  The Broadway Apple Dumpling Dance Academy flung that bullseye around like sharpshooters while the ALDC did everything but cut off Mackenzie’s pigtails in the Emergency Room.  Maybe next time.

And then the Awards were handed out and it all went downhill.  At warp speed, Captain.

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The emcee was some big guy in a white tuxedo who looked like the waiter who always gets killed first in a Sopranos mob hit.  I think this was his first gig, because he kept boning everything even though he had a script right there in his hands.

Nia took Second Place in the Teen Division, which was still amazeballs, given the amount of time she had to rehearse and the fact that she was wearing another head wrap.  But who really cares when your videos are melting youtube.

Then some person took First Place.  And then the same person won again in the Junior Division.  And then the waiter/emcee took her trophy back.  And then Abby lost her noodle.  And then Melissa lost her noodle because she was sitting too close to Abby when she lost her own noodle.

Imagine how it all went down by the time Maddie came in second to Ava and the whole Waiting Room Dance flatlined at Second Place.

What is this?  We need to walk out.

Abby.  Went.  Crazy.  Pants.

Crazy.  Stretch.  Pants.

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She started asking the ENTIRE audience if they paid to get in the building.  And if they did, they needed to ask for their money back.  It was fixed.  It was a mess.  She even motioned for the girls to exit the stage before the awards were over so they could all run out of the building like she just smelled smoke in the theater.

What the what was happening?

com-abed-realizationJill, Melissa and Kira bolted out the door with Abby and Gianna, leaving Holly and Jessalynn all alone in the front row with their mouths hanging open.  Who does that?

Everyone was running in every direction like I don’t know what.  Abby was so hysterical she couldn’t even figure out how to open the auditorium’s back door that was clearly marked with an EXIT sign and a gigantic push bar.

Bonus points to Gianna for just walking past her with her Louis bag and hitting the road.

One more second and I swear Abby was gonna go through the wall like the Kool-Aid Man.

Or this Muppet guy.  But in the other direction.

wall crashIt was a hot mess.

Holly didn’t even know what to say.  For a few minutes, anyway.

Then she had plenty to say.

n1Did I mention that Nia and Holly both had a lot of the same #Faces this week?

Because they did.

And then it was over.

For the day.  And the season.  And maybe for who knows how long.  This kind of chaos could have some serious repercussions in the Hollywood Hills.  With a new business that’s barely 12 hours old and a team in shambles, it’s anyone’s guess what lies ahead for the ALDC.

Maybe we’ll find out next week on The Real Housewives Of Pittsburgh.

For now, take a deep breath.  We made it.

Nationals are over.

See you at the Reunion.

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