Posts Tagged ‘AUDC’

Dance Moms: It’s Time To Shut Your Mouth, Stuff Your Dog And Get Ready For The Night Of The Dancing Dead.

Wednesday, August 7th, 2013

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And this, Ladies and Gentlemen, is how West Coast Mamas bring all the boys to the yard. Let’s Go!

 

 

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Oh. Hell. No.

 

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Nobody puts Baby in the corner. A big FedEx box, maybe…but never the corner.

 

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Leslie, Ya Nasty.

 

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Honey? I know you’re trying to focus, but some crazy a** Mom is still blocking the aisle and I really need a box of Goobers.

 

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The only good thing about Leslie is she has a Sam’s Club card and a van. She’s my BFF when wine goes on sale.

 

 

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And the award for Hottest Mom Twerk Handed Out By That Guy From The Old Navy Commercial goes to…….

 

 

 

Nice try.

Just when you thought Orlando had finally put that embarrassing Girls Gone Wild stigma behind them and was back to just being part of the Sunshine State.

Sorry, Florida.  Dance Moms is about to hit the beach.

Hard.

Fresh off a local throw down with Anthony Burrell‘s hood rat Mama (…”my son is a gentleman and don’t make me smack you upside the head to prove it”…) the ALDC was heading South this week for yet another Xpression Dance Competition.

If you keep track of these kind of things, it’s about four weeks away from Nationals.  So that meant that it was time for all the girls to start pulling their shiz together and become a well oiled machine.

After The Pyramid of Shame, of course.

Back home in beautiful Pittsburgh, we started out with yet another shoe-free, Kelly-free gathering of the troops.  And before you ask…No.  I have no idea what was going on with Jill‘s maxi color maxi pattern maxi accessory maxi dress ensemble.

Not a clue.  I’m starting to think that she’s just trying to mess with our heads now.

After…once again…blowing a nutty during rehearsals for the ALDC Recital and…once again…storming out the stage door, Kelly was…once again…still holding Brooke and Paige under house arrest and refusing to let them dance.

Once again.

So that meant that über tall Payton was still hanging around as backup dancer.  Which in turn meant that über loud Mom Leslie was also still in the building and pretty much guaranteed the entire episode would be filled with Christi copping an attitude and rolling her eyes a lot.

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Drinking Game Alert:  Take a drink every time Christi makes a face, or just drink every time this show makes you want to drink.  Your choice.

Bottom of the pile this week was a tight squeeze with Brooke, Paige, Payton, Asia and Mackenzie all crammed on that one row.

Brooke and Paige were no surprise.  As little as I pretend to know about the Dance World, I know you should probably show up once in awhile.

Payton was in the basement because her attitude continued to suck big ones.  Really big ones.  Remember her mouthing off in the makeup room last week?

“Ummm.  Hellooooo, Bitches?  My name is Payton.  Spelled S-N-O-T.”

Stop that right now Missy, or I’m sending Anthony’s Mama back in to set you straight.

Asia was stuck in the bottom because she still needed to figure out how to be a Star and a member of an ensemble at the same time.  Ok.  Let’s ask Beyoncé how well that worked out for her when we get a chance.

And then there was MackAttack, whose headshot was only a mere 8 inches to the left of Asia’s, but which somehow meant that she had a better Pyramid Score than Asia.  I thought the Bottom was the Bottom.  My bad.

The middle row was reserved for Chloe, Kendall and Maddie.  Chloe was good but not great.  And as part of Abby’s  Humiliation 101 training, Maddie was held back again this week.  Abby wanted Maddie to stay hungry and not get used to winning every week.  I guess giving a kid nothing to do all week should do the trick.

Kendall rounded out the trio and got props for her Mom not going completely bat s*** Paula Deen on Anthony’s Mama last week.

Nia took top honors, which gave Mom Holly the same face you know she’ll get on Graduation Day.  Everybody loves Nia, so they were all psyched to see her finally get some recognition.

Chloe, Kendall and Nia all scored solos and their respective Moms high-fived each other while Maddie wondered how much a bus ticket to Ohio would cost.

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Nia’s solo was being planned as a tribute to Broadway Baby, Abby’s spoiled, scruffy, runny-eyed sissy dog who had passed away a few months ago and was, as we speak, being stuffed full of pillow batting at the Back To Life Taxidermy factory.

At first I tried to visualize Nia being pushed around in a pink toy baby stroller and uncomfortably kissed on the mouth a lot, but then Abby clarified the solo would involve actual dancing and I was pretty relieved.

The group routine was entitled On The Verge and was a not so subtle homage to Kelly’s gradual mental deterioration.  Basically just going crazy on an eight count.

As the kids got to rehearsing, the grown-ups all hit the MomPerch to dish.

Melissa felt that Maddie should have been on top.  Holly worried about the pressure that Nia must be under to pay proper tribute to a dead dog.  Christi wondered why Leslie was still sitting in Kelly’s seat and Kristie with a K sat on her hands so she wouldn’t slap somebody.

JLo was definitely running out of patience with these hens.  They complain when their kids don’t get stuff.  They complain when their kids gets stuff.  And this new Leslie chick hasn’t stopped talking since she walked in the door.  When does she breath?  Or eat?

Cuz you know she does.

Oh, snap.

Seriously.  How much do we love JLo?  I think the only thing better would be if someday before I die I got to see her booty pop.

Spoiler Alert:  Hold that thought.

As rehearsals continued, it was time for Abby and Mom Maryen Lorrain Miller to go pick up their freshly stuffed puppy.  I kind of live for moments like this one.

Surrounded by stuffed turkeys, bears and pretty much anything that Honey Boo Boo‘s Mom couldn’t get her hands on first on the side of the road, Mr. Taxidermy brought in an exceptionally fluffy and rigid Broadway Baby to the gasps of Abby and Mom and then laid him out like an Applebee’s nacho plate on the table.

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Now I like Abby’s Mom Maryen.  Quite a bit, actually.  Everybody does.  She’s that good kind of old lady crazy.  (Can you even imagine a mahjong tournament with Maryen and Chaos Cathy‘s Candy Apple grandma?  Heaven.)

And we should always respect our elders.  I know that.

But did you see here face when she first saw Broadway Baby?  I’m pretty sure that she thought it was a surprise 100th birthday cake when the owner first came around the corner with that puppy on a slab.

I died a little.

Everyone cried.  Maryen got all flustered trying to figure out why there were no candles anywhere and then the guy boxed Baby up in some new fangled new hi-tech cardboard puppy carrier and handed Abby an invoice.

Randomly through her tears, Abby did note that she should have put Broadway Baby in commercials as Mr. Taxidermy filled the box with packing peanuts shaped just like Snausages.  He then sent them all home after making a mental note on Maryen’s height and hair color for future reference.

Back in the MomPerch, Kelly called Christi (…on speakerphone, natch…) to selectively invite a few of the Moms over to Casa Hyland for cocktails and smack talk.

Needless to say, Melissa was dissed due to outstanding issues between the two of them and the same argument that had been going around all season erupted again between all the Moms.

Kelly should come back.  Leslie’s not a member of the Team.  Payton’s too old to dance with the young girls, even though she is the exact same age as Brooke.

(Don’t ask.  That made no sense on any level.)

Blah to the blah to the blah.

The only thing that really got accomplished was all the arguing gave Leslie some additional time to mark her turf in the Perch as she rubbed that Walmart butt back and forth across the bench like some wild dog on a carpet.

Smell that?  This bitch ain’t going nowhere.

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During the solo rehearsals, Nia had a few repetitive issues which caused Abby to lose her temper and kinda sorta cut the solo.  Except that she didn’t really.  But it sounded like she did, which prompted Holly and Nia to head down to the desk to find out all the deets and get some clarification.

Holly is so level headed that she just laid it all down on the line and did’t even get distracted by the gigantic glossy photo of Abby’s (…alleged…) boyfriend that was thumbtacked on the wall all covered in lipgloss kisses.

Seriously.  That front desk is starting to look like the inside of a 7th grader’s locker.  I swear…if I ever see a One Direction picture hanging off those constantly unstocked dance tight bins, I’m not watching this stupid show anymore.  Clean it up, girls.

With one day to go, the Moms were still all up in each other’s grills.

Leslie wanted to stay forever.  Christi kept pointing out that she was only soiling Kelly’s seat…not keeping it forever.  By the time that Leslie tried to compare herself to JLo, my girl wasn’t having it anymore.

If somebody wants answers, she’s got answers for them.  Outdoors.  Let’s go.

Gah.  I hope it’s not raining that day.

We jumped over to Kelly’s house for a few chugs of wine and a mouthful of cheese, but didn’t really accomplish anything.  I actually think it was the same scene we saw last time when all the Moms got hammered.

Drink.  Eat.  Complain.  Storm out.  “I’m Done!”  Rinse.  Repeat.

Finally, it was Showtime!

Everyone was wedged into a pretty tiny makeup room, which probably seemed even tinier with an extra tall dancer and her Mom taking up so much additional square footage.  (And why is Melissa always crawling around on her hand and knees in the suitcase?  I mean…every week, I swear.)

Abby told Nia to dance her dance like a man had just done her wrong, which was a little disturbing considering that not only has Nia never been on a date,  but her dance was a tribute to a dead dog who was back home propped up on pillows watching an unplugged television set.

And then Kelly showed up.  All the way down in Orlando.  For real.

No wonder this woman doesn’t work.  Stalking and complaining and being an on again, off again Dance Mom is clearly a full time job.

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Unfortunately, with her current status under question, Abby and Maryen refused to let her into the aisle to sit with her buds.  Nope.  Not doing it.  Not having it.

Thankfully, Kelly refused to climb over the seats and flash all of America her naughty bits in a short dress, and instead chose to stand at the end of the aisle and sulk until intermission.  Which she did quite well.

Which also gave Maryen ample time to pop off like some crazy bus stop lady and talk trash about Kelly.  You go, Granny.

Then some kids danced.  And then the group danced.  All good.

But the really good part was the Awards.  And the Asia vs. Kristie Dance Off.

Oh, yeah.  That totally happened.

Somehow from up on stage, Asia had thrown down the challenge to Mama out in the audience to do it like they do it on MTV.

It started off innocently enough, though you really need to see Jill and Christi trying to compete with JLo in the seats.  Kristie danced in her seat.  Jill and Christi had what looked to be some kind of medically induced seizures.

And then JLo jumped up and right about then the whole thing pretty much gave me life.

Bitch stole my moves.  Dang, girl.

In the makeup room after the ceremonies, the arguments continued.  Kelly even bullied her way backstage to tag team Christi against Leslie.

Who’s on the Team?  Who’s only keeping seats warm?  When’s Kelly coming back?

As the voice of reason, Holly even tried to explain to Leslie why raising good children might actually be more important than raising a Rockette, but Leslie wasn’t having it.

None of it.  As my ears bled, I tried to imagine Thanksgiving at the Ackerman’s after a couple of keggers.

Finally, JLo lost patience with the whole thing, grabbed her cell and went out the door to check her score sheets in the Mom Dance portion of the competition.

I’m going to get my trophy.

Peace out.

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Dance Moms: Girrrl, Pleez…It’s Time Take Off Your Spanx And Have A Seat, Because It’s Clash Of The Mamas.

Wednesday, July 31st, 2013

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Imma ’bout to pop these acrylics and show you all how Mama likes to dance.

 

 

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Oh Hell No. Why is Anthony yelling at me? And why is he wearing a dress?

 

 

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Umm. Hello? Excuse me everyone, but my name is Payton. And I’m better than you.

 

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Really? You’re just lucky little Britney back there is taping this on her iPhone with the pink bow, or these damn earrings would be off already.

 

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Srsly? Where the hell is the waiter? My burger’s cold and this beer’s been empty for like ten minutes. Dang.

 

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Did I miss a memo while I was in LA? When did my show get so ratchet?

 

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Meanwhile, at Walmart…

 

 

 

 

Who gon’ check me, Boo?

Who, you ask?  Well, since there were about 110 Moms to choose from on the latest episode, I guess you could probably just take your pick.

Holy Dance Moms Overload, Batman.

They were coming out of the woodwork and dropping down through the air ducts like ninjas this week.  Moms everywhere.

Old ones.  New ones.  Missing ones.  Classy ones.  Sassy ones.  Returning ones.  Guest star ones.  Senile ones.  Questionably attired ones.  Ones that could mess you up and still be home in time for dinner.

It was literally Mamas fo’ Miles, which coincidentally enough, is the new charity organization I just invented that will ensure every overprivileged kid in every white collar suburban school gets their own 64GB iPad so they can Google the word ‘Ratchet.’

What the Hell did I just watch?

I need to go back and check my notes to see if anyone actually danced on the show this week.  I’m so disoriented that I can’t even remember.

It was full on Real Housewives of Pittsburgh, I tell you.  So let’s not waste any time.

Coming off another successful annual ALDC Recital, it was time to hit the studio and get ready for the next competition.  After the Pyramid of Shame, of course.

Basement seating had been reserved for Paige, Brooke, Asia and Nia.

Paige and Brooke has missed yet another recital, thanks to yet another (bleeped) out meltdown by Mom Kelly, so they kind of deserved the bottom row even though it wasn’t really their fault.  I felt bad for them, but honestly I was more jealous that Kelly had so much money that she can afford to pay for a dance studio that she never uses.  Feel free to adopt me.  Those girls are screaming for a whacky big brother.

Nia was down there once again because she was good, but not great.  Abby wanted more from little La Quifa.  She also wanted Asia to stop wearing her pants backwards.

The middle row was filled with Mackenzie, Maddie (…say Wha–?) and Chloe.

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Maddie was knocked down a peg because she didn’t immediately raise her hand and offer to do a solo last week.  Chloe was considered the MVP of the recital, but her Mom was still Christi and you know how that usually goes down.  MackAttack was chastised for not knowing enough Nerd Moves, which I guess is now a bad thing in schools today.

Whatever.

Top of the heap was Kendall and her Mean Girls magazine cover shoot.  Werk it, girl.

This week they were all headed to a brand new competition in Lancaster, PA called Believe National Talent Competition.  Which doesn’t even have the word ‘Dance‘ in the title, so it wasn’t really clear if you could also sing and juggle for prizes.  I assumed that they would be editing out all the ventriloquism acts since this is Dance Moms, after all, but Abby kind of skimmed over all the rules.

Chloe, Kendall and Nia would be doing a solo, just so Maddie could make a pouty face.

The group routine was called ‘Open Waters’ and would be performed with a prop which basically looked like a repainted wedge of cheese that MackSplat probably used for backflips during one of the gazillion times she was dressed up like a country mouse.

And speaking of country.  It was off to Ohio and the Evil Dance Lair known as Candy Apples!  Cue the drive-in movie music.

After losing out again to the ALDC, Chaos Cathy Nesbitt-Stein had apparently shipped her entire boy band dance team off into the Witness Protection Program, because they were just gone.

I mean…gone.  Like vanished.  Without a trace.  Not even Jalen‘s crybaby Daddy Rick or his box of kleenex was left as evidence.

In their place was yet another newly created team fresh off the Anthony Burrell assembly line.

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AUDC alum Hadley had stuck around so Lifetime could continue to pimp out the upcoming season.  (Coming September 3rd to a television near you.)

The fact that her Mom Yvette is about 110 pounds of Crazy in a Crazy Sack probably didn’t hurt her chances either.  Plus, if there’s ever an opportunity for my girl Kristie Ray to pop off on Yvette…well, you can just sign me up right now.

Hit Me!  Go ahead.  Hit Me!  Those were good times, weren’t they?

Nicaya was back again, mainly so America could keep saying ‘Black Patsy‘ every time her ‘hood Mama walked into a scene and not get judged.  If she picked the name, you can’t be getting all Paula Deen on my a**, mmmkay?

Mari and Mom Gina D. were also back at Candy Apples, but now Mom was allowed to lose the “D” off the end of her name due to Zack‘s Mom having gone MIA.

Some newbie Brooke #2 showed up, along with her mouthy Mom Michelle, who pretty much got up in Anthony’s face before they even chose seating arrangements.

But the big dealio news flash was the Return of Lucas Triana.

Yes.  Hold on to your panties, girls.  Lady Killer Lucas is back in the Dance Moms hizzle.

You remember Lucas.  Twenty years after Dance Moms: Miami got the axe and he still looks exactly the same.  Still made of the same goop they use in Stretch Armstrong toys and still busting out that one leg up in the air move that he invented.

Mom Bridget, on the other hand, looked a little traumatized at having to give up all her comfortable teal surroundings at the beach and shlep her kid all the way up to Ohio, but you do whatchoo gotta do, I guess.

The Candy Apples team would also be heading to Lancaster this week, so Anthony had created a Four Seasons group dance (…the actual seasons of the year, not the hotel…) which was basically four girls running in a circle around Lucas while he stuck his leg up in the air.  But they still needed to rehearse, just to be safe.

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As did the ALDC girls back in Pittsburgh.  Except that there were some noticeable holes in the choreography with Paige and Brooke being held hostage in their own home.  So Abby called in some replacements.

Payton was back…again.  All 8 feet of her.

Up in the MomPerch they all braced themselves for what they knew would be coming next:  Payton’s Mom Leslie.

No lie.  It was just like in a Godzilla movie or something as she clunked up the stairs.

The camera wobbled like the ceiling tiles were about to drop to the floor.  Go back and watch it again.  I’m not making it up.  It was perfect timing.

Seriously.  How much does this chick weigh?  Or maybe Lifetime just needs to hire cameramen who can handle 40 pounds of camera on their shoulders while walking backwards up a flight of stairs.  I’ll cut her some slack since I don’t have all the details.

Plus we need to talk about Kristie some more.

This week she had gone to the salon and got her hair all did up in one of those really tight JLo buns that make your earrings look even bigger than they already are, so naturally I couldn’t wait for the first head snap.

And how much do you love Kristie’s posture?  Straight up proper spinal alignment like they teach you in the military.  She always looks like she’s sitting in the middle of that couch on The View waiting for Whoopie to ask her a question about self defense while the rest of the Moms slouch back like they’re watching the Superbowl.

And even better than that, did you see when Leslie plopped all her Godzilla goodness down in Kelly’s spot and Kristie gave her some SideEye?  Tell me Mama Ray didn’t look like some socialite taking public transportation for the first time because her stretch limo was in the shop.

Jeeves.  Who are all these common people…and why are they sitting so close to me?

Get me my hand sanitizer.  It’s in my Louis bag.

Love.  Her.

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And then, with absolutely no advance warning at all, there was a commercial for Lifetime’s Double Divas show and I saw Abby Lee Miller in a bra that didn’t fit.

On a widescreen plasma.

I now have to sleep with a nightlight and hope that maybe one day I’ll get the vision back in my right eye.  You’ll be hearing from my lawyers, Lifetime.

The Momapalooza continued with Chaos Cathy taking her mom and sniffly Vivi-Anne out to lunch to discuss the upcoming competition.  Grandma had no idea where she was and Vivi-Anne just sat there snarfing up burgers for the winter.

Nana noted with a breaking newsflash that Vivi-Anne was certainly ‘an Eater.’  Which is pretty much right up there with acknowledging that the sky is blue.  Duh.

There was also some really poor editing where there was absolutely no food on the table anywhere and then all of a sudden, in the middle of a conversation, Cathy was leaning over her plate globbing up a bowl of nachos like the meal had just been beamed down with that machine they used to use in Star Trek: The Next Generation.

Get it together, people.  Probably the same guy who couldn’t hold the camera steady.

Back in the MomPerch, Leslie continued her mission to take over Kelly’s spot permanently while Kristie phutzed with her touchscreen…either tweeting me or blocking my account.  It was hard to tell.

Yes.  Kristie tweets me.  Don’t be hatin’.

Finally, it was Showtime!  And Pre-Showtime, which was even better.

Payton mouthed off (…again…) by making sure that everyone in the room knew her name after Abby accidentally called her Kendall.  Say my name.  Say my name.

Unless you spell it “B-E-Y-O-N-C-É” I think you can dial it down a notch, honey.

Out in the lobby, Kristie and Yvette got right down to bidnezz in front of the Believe CEO Gary, who kind of looked like an actor and my mailman all at the same time.

In the heat of the battle, JLo’s new bun made her look like Patti LaBelle werkin’ the last chorus of Over the Rainbow as her earrings flapped all around the room and she did that sharp point the finger/pull it back even faster thing that I still have yet to master.

Really, Yvette?  Really?  Take your spanx off.  Take your spanx off.

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I just can’t.  How do I make that my ringtone?

Then there was actually about 45 seconds of dancing, but nobody really cared because it’s always about the After Party.

And Anthony’s Mama.

Girl, pleez.  Lifetime, if you’re not going to give Vivi-Anne her own spin-off, you damn well better be coming up with something for this piece of work.  Or I will.

All techno-weave and back tattoos, Anthony’s Mom had overheard somebody talking shiz about him (…that’s my baby!…) and pretty much just left a burning cigarette on the window ledge and came inside with her lady friends for a beat down.

Bring it on sez Jill.  I see where Anthony gets it.

OhNoSheDin’t.

Apparently, after you’ve had Black Patsy push your nose half way across the room, you completely lose all fashion sense as well as your fear of Death.

Anthony’s Mama got all up in Jill’s grill while the other 109 Moms gathered around like they were filming it for youtube.

Screaming Moms.  Yelling Moms.  It was like 4:59am in a Target parking lot on Black Friday when you know there are only 12 pairs of Air Jordans in the whole store.

Let’s just say that it gave me life…and that the unedited Director’s Cut DVD is going to be the best Christmas present I’ve ever gotten.  Ever.

Coming and going, Anthony’s Mama was just a wrecking ball in a racer back.

Luckily, she took off to Sears for a new Ratchet Wrench before she could pummel Jill into a puddle of fake fur and lace, and everyone got to leave the competition in one piece.  Flustered, but with all their veneers intact.

Lawd.  Anthony’s Mama.

Who would’ve guessed that  Abby Lee Miller in a poorly fitted bra was no longer the most traumatizing thing I had to witness this week?

I seriously need to take off these damn spanx and chill.  It’s been a rough night.

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Dance Moms: The West Coast Abby Returns! When It’s Tap vs. Hip Hop, You Better Pop It, Lock It And Bump-It.

Wednesday, July 17th, 2013

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Everyone in LA has bangs. Richy said that if he was into it and his standards were a little lower, he’d be all over this.

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Lawd. This s*** and that Priscilla Presley hair just got real.

 

 

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Umm. I didn’t sleep with my boss. We were awake the whole time, thank you. And you’re pretty much a bitch.

 

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This Chipotle App is the bomb. That beef burrito will be ready before we even pull into the bus stop.

 

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Oh. My. Gawd. I’m freakin’ finally on Dance Moms and I’m wearing horizontal stripes. What was I thinking? Dying.

 

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Shut. Up. You really gave Chloe hip hop? That is HIGHlarious. You’re gonna make me pee my pants.

 

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Mama’s coming home soon, Baby.

 

 

 

 

Well.

Freakin’ finally.

After being preempted for what seemed like six months by the premiere of the already classic What’s Vivi-Anne Gonna Eat Today? Show and then being postponed for another two more weeks while that cable access Drink While You Dance Chat mess auditioned a few D-List comedians…Dance Moms is back.

I think.

Or maybe it was a repeat.  I’m not sure.

I remember last season there was an episode that was nothing but Christi getting all up in Melissa‘s face about butt kissing and special treatment and everyone swearing in front of their kids until Maddie cried.

And that totally happened again this week.  So I’m not really sure what was going on.

Honestly, with all the recent repetitive story lines and rehashed Mama Drama, the only way I can keep track of what day it is is by referencing my Crazy Jill Hair spreadsheet.

And my Where’s Kristie? board game, of course.

And speaking of.  Do I physically have to go down to the Lifetime TV executive offices and slap somebody until they put Asia‘s bad a** Mama in every episode?

Because I will.  If this site ever starts making me some money, that is.  Have you priced airline tickets lately?  Seriously.  I don’t want to buy the plane.  Just a ticket, ma’am.

Let’s go, people!

Thanks to poor planning on somebody’s part, Ms. Miller had to take a sabbatical from the show in order to jet out to California (…swimming pools, movie stars…) to film the second season of Abby’s Ultimate Dance Competition, which left the inmates running the prison.

But Abby was back now.

With a fresh new LA attitude, a ton o’ fresh new LA hairstyles that she was clearly trying to get a handle on and basically every piece of fresh new Resort 2013 she could strip off the Lane Bryant window mannequins down on West Pico Blvd.

Did you see all her new clothes?

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But it was back to bidnez now and that meant that the Two Months Later And Maddie’s Still On Top Pyramid of Shame finally made a reappearance.  After one more promotional blitz for AUDC, coming soon to a television near you.

Was it just me, or was Richy Jackson wearing a Burger King crown in that hazy flashback?  Because Girlfriend was definitely having it her way.  MmmHmm.

I’m fairly certain that Abby just left the last pyramid taped to the mirrors, because nothing looked very different this time around.

Bottom row was reserved for Brooke, Paige, Kendall and Nia.  Apparently Brooke had blown off dance rehearsals while Abby was gone and had gotten busted by the ALDC SpyCam or somebody’s thermal heat goggles when she and Mom Kelly snuck off to record another youtube CD.

I don’t know.  Somehow Abby knew though.

Second row was Mackenzie, Chloe and the MIA Asia.  After I did the math and realized that an MIA Asia meant an MIA Kristie…again…I stopped paying attention to that row.

And natch, top of the pile was Maddie again.

This week the gang was headed to beautiful Syracuse, NY for another In10sity Dance Competition and Abby was ready to shake things up again.  Last time, as you will recall, she had sent Maddie and Chloe out on stage to perform the exact same routine to the same music.  It was like, OMG.  Totally twinsies.  Like…totz.

This time they would be hitting the bright lights as complete opposites.  Maddie would be doing a tap routine.  Chloe would be going gangstah with a hip hop number.

Maddie’s favorite thing in the whole wide world is tap.  Chloe is a skinny little white ballerina who doesn’t even take hip hop lessons.

You do the math on that one.  It’s even easier than my Kristie addition & subtraction a little earlier, so you probably won’t need a calculator.

MackLoJack also got a solo, but she’s not Asia…so you know…

The group routine was entitled Gone Too Soon about celebrities who were gone too…well, you can probably figure that one out as well.

Every girl would play a character.  A dead one.  Dead Diva Dancing, basically.

Nia was Whitney.  Kendall was Selena.  (The Latin one, not Bieber‘s on again/off again suckah girlfriend.  She’s still alive.  A fool for going out with such a Dbag, but still alive.)

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Brooke was Amy Winehouse.  Paige was Anna Nicole Smith.  Chloe was Marilyn Monroe.  And Maddie got to wear a tiara, which was all that really mattered to Abby.

Not to steal any of Honey Boo Boo Child‘s thunder, but if this show had its own People Magazine Whiff & Sniff card this week, the whole thing woulda stank up the barn with favoritism and shame.  And bacon.

Up in the MomPerch it was National Gang Up On Melissa Day.

Apparently while Abby was gone, the Moms had all taken some kind of blood oath to band together as a team and not pimp out any of their kids by sending them to Los Angeles.  One Team.  One Mission.

Yeah.  How did that Mom Parking Lot Sit-In of 2013 work out for everybody?

Needless to say, Melissa had crammed Maddie into Abby’s carry-on and shipped her off to the West Coast asap to appear on AUDC while the rest of the girls stayed in Pittsburgh to do whatever it is that kids do in Pittsburgh before they grow up, smarten up and run away from home without ever looking back.

(No hate mail from the Pittsburgh Office of Tourism, please.)

Somehow that move translated into an argument between Christi and Melissa about sleeping with your boss.  Or Melissa’s boss, more specifically.

Because that’s what she (…allegedly…) did.  Numerous times.  Multiple numerous times, if you know whaddimean.

Before she ended up marrying him.

And can we just talk for a second about how Melissa fights?  Like your 5 year old niece fights, maybe?

Nuh uh.  No way.  You lie.  Whatever.  Not talkin’ about it.  Not talkin’ about it.  Maybe because you’re a big poopy head liar, that’s why.  Whatever.  Fine.

Whatever Infinity.

And then she grabbed her Bratz doll and her sleeping bag and stormed out of the Perch.

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The next day (…I knew it was the next day because Abby and Jill both had new hairdos…) Melissa narced on Christi for being White Trash and then apologized for not remembering that it was 1960’s Dress Up Day at the ALDC.

Holy Bang ‘n Bouffant, Batman.

As Melissa hunkered down in the studio to watch Mackawhacka try and imitate SassyPants Asia’s sassypantsness in her solo, the rest of the Moms looked down and (…white…) trash talked their brains out.

MackPaddiWack was having a rough time of it, and Abby blamed it on her having taken part in recess earlier in the day.

I know, right?  The nerve of that kid.  Playing with her friends.  Getting all that exercise out there in all that unhealthy fresh air.

And that is why dancers should be home schooled, according to Abby, whose wisdom and hairstyles both seemed to be trapped somewhere in the JFK Era this week.

Maddie’s solo rehearsal went a little better.  She’s Maddie, after all.

And Christi is Christi, after all, so she was right back to chewing on Melissa’s neck about whatever and whoever as soon as Mom came upstairs.

They weren’t supposed to run solos.  But Abby’s running Maddie’s.  So you know she won’t run Chloe’s.  Blah blah.  My kids are not your concern.  White Trash.  Boss Sleeper Arounder.  Then somebody said “Bitch” about 100 times.

And then it was the whole pick up your Bratz doll and sleeping bag attitude again.

Punctuated this time by Melissa’s delightfully adolescent “You wish I would die in a car accident while tweeting about One Direction and putting on mascara.”

Or something.

Gah.  Kids today.

After getting liquored up following rehearsal (…do these kids just drive themselves home now?…) everyone was back for one last day of practice and snarking up in the Perch.

Unfortunately, even after cocktails the Moms were way too sober to deal with Payton‘s Mom Leslie, who swung by with her bodyguard on the way home from Walmart.

Turns out that Payton was helping Chloe with her hip hop routine, because the best person to help a skinny little white ballerina get gangstah is a taller skinny white ballerina, right?

Don’t ask.

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And I have no idea who that other woman was who tagged along with Leslie up to the Perch, pretending she didn’t notice the cameras or the fact that Holly, Jill and Melissa were all color coordinated like a Pointer Sisters Cover Band .  Did you see that?

I’m guessing the woman with the glasses won some kind of Facebook contest or something and got to do a walk-on like they did on All My Children a couple years ago.

Look at me, baby.  Mommy’s on the television.

Leslie said that she was supporting her daughter helping Chloe and then quickly left before all the ice cream in her car started to melt.

And seriously, how perfect was it that the Lifetime people weren’t paying attention again and added in a Catering Wars pop-up promo at the bottom of the screen right then that said “The Ultimate Food Fight?”

I wish.

Melissa stormed out again at some point.  Cuz that’s kinda her thang lately.

Finally, it was Showtime!

To compensate for MackSplat not having any of Asia’s sassy “this” and “that,” Abby gave her a whirly twirly Grinch movie headpiece that boinged all over the place when she walked.  Stiffer than a Slinky, but bouncier than a pipe cleaner.  And slightly askew.

If you can’t fake sassy…werk a hat, Bitch.  And you can quote me.

Abby also changed Maddie’s Messy Housewife outfit a few times while basically stepping over Chloe before everyone hit the stage.

Mack’s solo went great, and she did that strut off the stage again that I still can’t master when I leave a room.  Peace out, haters.

Chloe danced around like every drunk chick I’ve ever met at a frat party trying to booty pop.  I’m from Delta Delta.  Wanna do shots?  I’m so wasted.

Don’t get wrong.  I love me some Chloe.  But she was set up to fail.

Maddie jumped all over the stage in her pink apron like some bat s*** crazy DC Cupcake Lady all wired up from licking one too many beater bowls.  Gimme more sugar!  She nailed it, though.

Even when her little pink cartoon apron top fell down, she took a (…bowl…) licking and kept on ticking.

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From here on out is was basically the Maddie Show until the credits rolled.

Abby loved Maddie’s solo even though she had an apron malfunction.  Christi pointed out that Abby had an emotional melt down when Chloe’s headpiece fell over her eyeballs a few seasons ago, but yet had nothing negative to say about Maddie flashing her baked goods on stage.  Really?

Insert random Christi eye roll here:  ______________!

After the group routine, Abby stated that she had only watched Maddie.  Not her backup dancers.

Even when they took First Place in the group category Abby never looked up from that iPhone with the “Save Those Tears…” sticker long enough to recognize any of the other girls.  She thought it was crap that Maddie had only gotten 2nd Place in her solo, and she didn’t want to play anymore.

I guess she was doing her own version of a Sit-In.  But she sits all the time, so I couldn’t be certain what was really happening.

Backstage it was more Christi vs. Melissa vs. Tap vs. Hip Hop dramz.  I don’t know if it was the same episode or another repeat.  Jill had another hairdo, but it was one I’d seen before, so I got all confused.

This week, it was Melissa who uttered the contractually required “That’s it.  I’m done.  I’m so over it.” before slamming her suitcase and taking the mandatory Walk of Shame past the lockers.

I think they need a new gimmick.

Or maybe just freakin’ bring back Kristie.  How’z ’bout dat?

Don’t make me keep saying it.

Abby hugged Maddie, who had started to cry a few Precious Moments tears before being swallowed up by Abby’s ample bosoms like Star Trek‘s Enterprise when it gets sucked into a Klingon Black Hole.

In Dance, no one can hear you scream.

And then it was over.

Let’s just say that those Lifetime execs are darn lucky that I saw Kristie in the previews for next time or it wouldn’t have been pretty.

Put yo’ hands up, cuz next week LA is back in the house!

j


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