Posts Tagged ‘AUDC’

Abby’s Ultimate Dance Competition: It Was Dancing Through The Decades. A Chance To Hip Hop, Doo Wop And Pop Off. Being Crazy Is Timeless.

Wednesday, November 14th, 2012



We come too far to not have at least one major meltdown. BeDazzling hard. It’s my turn, bitches.






Pussycat Dolls…Pussycat Dolls…Pussycat Dolls…Pussycat Dolls…Pussycat Dolls…Pussycat Dolls…





You wanna see Mommy lose it? Is that what you want? Drop It Like It’s Hot!






I didn’t choose the Thug Life. The Thug Life chose me. It’s Hammer Time, yo.






Did that little girl just flash a gang sign on national television? That is so Buck.






And Lord, thank you for not making me the crazy one this week. I owe you one.





All aboard the AUDC Time Machine as we go dancing through the decades.

Please buckle up, keep your hands and feet inside the ride, and together we will discover that no matter what the era…Dance Moms are all still bat s*** cray cray.

Abby’s Ultimate Dance Competition was back for Round 6, and this time it was a trip through time as the remaining Joffrey wannabes were put through a crash course in dance history.

From prohibition to hip hop, the girls all flapped and old skooled their way through to yet another elimination, edging themselves one step closer to long term therapy and/or that juicy ballet school scholarship.

And after 5 weeks of competition, the stress was beginning to show as both Moms and kids teetered dangerously close to the edge of meltdown.

But mostly the Moms.  Der.

Prepping for the Group Challenge portion of the extravaganza, it was clear that some of the Moms were already on their way off the deep end.  And before lunch.

Human fortune cookie Yvette started us off with yet another one of her snippets of wisdom as she got all inspirationally up in daughter Hadley‘s face.

“You’re IN, or you’re in the way.”

Boom.  Take that.  Learn it.  Then earn it, kid.  How I’ve missed Yvette’s little t-shirt anecdotes.  She’s been too busy going insane to keep up with her inner Maya Angelou lately, so it was good to see her back in the Hallmark game.

Down the hall, Mom Kelly was crimping Jordyn‘s hair and going the Fear Factor route.

“I’m not your Mom anymore.  I’m your teacher.”  It is your Destiny, Young Skywalker.

I was actually more fascinated that you can actually still buy crimping irons.  Kelly might want to toss that thing into the AUDC Time Machine when no one’s looking and send it back to whatever Jersey Mall it came from before all of Jordyn’s hair breaks off like poorly glued tracks in a VH1 chick fight.

Mom Maria was the biggest mess this time around.  All homesick and teary eyed as she Skyped with whomever on her MacBook, Lexine braced herself for a long week.  Maria exhibited all the signs that Dr. Drew is always talking about on his show.  You could tell it wouldn’t be long now before the waterworks really kicked in.

Then it was off to the Group Challenge, to meet up with Abby Lee Miller and see what new outfit Kevin Manno had picked up over the weekend.

Clearly inspired by those new JCPenney color block commercials, Kevin was working his sport coat, slightly different dye lot vest, purple shirt and yellow crew neck.  Totally right off the commercial.  At least now we finally know the one person who is still shopping at JCPenney.

How can you not love this guy?  I’m going to assume that it was sheer coincidence that the Hanes t-shirt was the same yellow as 85% of Abby’s ensemble, because if Kevin is now purposely coordinating his outfit to match that big lady from Dance Moms…well…I just don’t know if I can watch this show anymore.

There’s kissing up to your Boss, and then there’s kissing up to your Boss.

But we love Kevin.  Especially when he winks and makes that fist to emphasis the “Ultimate” part of the show’s title.  Like it’s a cage match or something.  Grrr.


The skill this week was Improvisation.

I know, right?  Crazy.  So that meant a Dance Off with no rules and no chance of anyone beating sassy Asia.

One by one Abby paired the girls up against each other and then shooed them off the dance floor at her discretion.  Only little Asia survived until the end.

Granted, she only did four moves.  Five if you count striking a pose.  But when you add a 6 year old booty pop into the mix, that’s like shooting fish in a barrel.  The other girls didn’t stand a chance.  That had to be jelly, cuz jam don’t shake like that.

Yeah.  Asia definitely brought all the boys to the yard again.  And more than likely one or two Neighborhood Watch parents from Child Services as well.  That little nugget is living proof that owning every Beyoncé DVD definitely pays off in the end.

So save your allowance, kids.  And back dat thang up.

Since the theme was a Journey Through The Decades, every duet and solo was based on…well…a journey through the decades.

(You needed me to break that one down for you?  It’s really not that hard if you hadn’t skimmed the first part of the blog, thank you.)

On to the practice round.

Madison‘s solo was a ’60s Go Go dance on a giant box.  Like Laugh-In without the boob jokes.  You bet your bippy it was.

In retrospect, Mom Coreen probably should have refilled her anti-anxiety meds before entering into this competition, because her fear of heights nearly caused her to pull Madison right off the box within the first 45 minutes of rehearsal.

Mom was so terrified that Maddy would pirouette herself right into paralysis that she badgered choreographer Gina Starbuck so incessantly that I thought Gina would break Coreen’s neck as a preemptive measure.

Brianna‘s ’20s flapper routine was challenging to her girly side, and you could tell that the whole “Sometimes I’m an Outcast” thing was gurgling up a little.

Asia and Lexine’s ’80s pop routine was like a Cindy Lauper meets Madonna meets The Wiggles kind of thing.

Maria cried a lot.  A lot.  She even locked herself in the bathroom or store room or something until Jennifer Lopez slapped some sense into her.

I seriously have a crush on Kristie.  Does she even own a pair of understated diamond studs?  Don’t make me hit you, bitch.

Hadley and Amanda were assigned a ’50s malt shop boogie.  Not as dangerous as dancing on a box, but I suppose you could lose an eye from the straw in your root beer float if you’re not really paying attention.

Jordyn and all her crimped goodness scored the second solo…’90s Hip Hop.

Hip Hop.  Which for some reason Kelly insisted on demonstrating to all of America as she morphed into Über Stage Mom and bullied her daughter throughout the hotel.

Kelly.  Doing Hip Hop.

Take the time now to scroll back up and look at Mom’s photo.  Then go to youtube and find some MTV hip hop videos.  And then look at Mom again.  And then watch another video.  And then look at Mom again.

Don’t break a Hip…Hop.

Your honor, I rest my case.

Most of the Moms took a breather and headed out for some lunch, but it was pretty uneventful.  They haven’t learned how to throw down like Real Housewives yet, so you didn’t miss much.  NeNe Leakes needs to get that dopey son of hers into Dance…then we can get this party started.

Maria cried again.  She was even more homesick, and had fallen behind in rhinestoning Lexine’s outfit.  It would appear that arts & crafts are not her thing.

Yvette even had one more fortune cookie to open before the competition really kicked into gear.

“It’s never your setback.  It’s your comeback.”

If Maria didn’t suck so bad at BeDazzling she should totally hot glue that to a leotard.

Then she could have slid it under the bathroom door to Brianna, who had also locked herself in there for a good pre-game cry.  Dramz, I tell you.  Dramzzzz.

Finally it was Showtime!

Richy Jackson was already finger waving himself into a seizure before the first dancer hit the stage.  In all the excitement of the evening he had misplaced the sleeves on yet another denim graffiti jacket and was all string bean arms and glow stick fingers.  Werk.

Robin Antin was all dewy and shiny, and ready to mention the Pussycat Dolls…again…as soon as the starting gun went off.

Seriously.  Did she just invent those hoochies, or did she actually physically give birth to each one of them on a Vegas stage?  Cuz I’m not really sure anymore.

Robin liked Brianna’s flapper girl number, but wanted her to wear stiletto heals like the Pussycat Dolls.  Because they are apparently the only female performers to ever wear high heels on stage.  Ever, I guess.

Nobody lost an eye during the sock hop number, though Robin did start bashing Hadley because she wasn’t as good as Amanda…or the Pussycat Dolls.  Which in turn caused Richy to nervously pee his pants and then jump in to prevent Hadley from throwing herself off the Laugh-In box.

Yvette cried after that.  I think she was just sad that she didn’t get much crazy time this week.

Backstage before the Madonna/Teletubbies routine, Maria had meltdown #97 and threatened to pack and go home right now if Lexine didn’t listen to her.

We go home.  We go home now.


The two little tykes made it on stage eventually.  Or at least I believe they were both on stage.  All you could really see was Asia booty popping and doing the Crazy In Love video for 2 minutes, so I can’t say for certain. But Maria was behind the curtain standing next to Jennifer Lopez, so Lexine must have been on stage somewhere.

Madison made it through the Go Go box without cracking her head open.

Robin liked the way she swung her ponytail ‘like no one she knows’ (…not even the Pussycat Dolls?…) because doing that is hard.

Like hyper-spatial physics, I assume.  They’re both hard.

Jordyn finished off the night with her Disney Hip Hop.  Srsly.

It was like one of the princesses got all ‘hood one night when nobody was in the castle.

She did great.  Don’t get me wrong.  But she’s a tiny little blonde thing.

Richy loved it.  He even went from one finger to a two finger wave, which impressed Abby.  When he hyperventilated that Jordyn gets a Deuce, it was kind of gross if you ever go on the Urban Dictionary website.  But he didn’t mean the nasty kind.

If the Lifetime censors weren’t in the auditorium I swear he would have given her 3 finger waves.  He was on Fi. Yah.

Robin squeezed in a few more homages to the PCD and then it was time to cut one tiny dancer.  It was time for this shizzle to get realz.

In the end, it was little Lexine who was sent packing.  Which was a good thing as far as panicked last minute BeDazzling goes, but not so much for hopes of Joffrey stardom.

She was a sweetie.  She cried.  And Mom cried.  Everyone was sad.

When it’s down to so few dancers, these kind of shows always start to get a little dysfunctional on elimination night.

You hate to see anyone go.  But better them than you, right?

Hadley just barely made the cut, and Mom summed it up with a musical fortune cookie.

“What doesn’t kill her makes her stronger.”

Thanks, Yvette.  You heard it here first.

So go see Kelly Clarkson in concert.  I’m sure she’s opening for the Pussycat Dolls.

And then there were 6.

Abby’s Ultimate Dance Competition: It Was Broadway, Baby. Everything Can Change In A New York Minute, So Bling It And Bring It, Kids. Dance Off!

Wednesday, October 31st, 2012



Let me break it down for everyone at the craft table. She’s trash. Jenny From Around The Block trash. And that makes me smile.




Look at that crazy thing. She knows she can’t win the $100,000 herself…right? Joffrey don’t take old nut jobs.





Maybe because you need to own it. Just like I own the hand that is getting ready to slap you back into yesterday, honey.





Blah Blah Blah. And Blah Blah Blah. And then Blah Blah Blah. On the eight count.





Because all the Real Housewives get to sit in front of a fancy staircase. That’s why. Now turn on the damn camera.





And Lord, give me perfect eyebrows and the strength to not pop off on that whacky a** smile in front of my kid on national television.



They say that there’s a broken heart for every light on Broadway.

I saw it on a t-shirt once, at one of those places where you can buy Statue of Liberty erasers and thimbles painted to look like tiny New York City Kiwanis fez hats.

So it must be true.

I’m also pretty sure that for every missing or blown out marquee 60 watt there has got to be a crazy Dance Mom out there somewhere, too.  They can’t all be on Lifetime.

That’s right.  Abby’s Ultimate Dance Competition jazz handed its way into Week #4 with a salute to the Great White Way.

Broadway, Baby.

Like a condensed Nickelodeon version of that hotel room channel that only shows clips from current theater productions, the little dancers were put through a Broadway Bootcamp complete with cattle call auditions, heartbreak and Joel Grey‘s eyelashes.

The only things missing were Spider-Man saving the day, and maybe Abby Lee Miller holding pint-sized Asia up over her head as a fierce offering to The Lion King.

But even that I can’t swear to, because I would not be the least bit surprised if Miss Richy Jackson wasn’t werking some Spidey spandex under the Judge’s Table.

Girlfriend was waving around her web shooter fingers like the Green Goblin was gonna swoop down on his flying skateboard and ask her to a Tea Dance.

Thhhwwipppp!  Careful.  It’s sticky.

But I digress.

Since there’s no Pyramid of Shame in the west coast version of the ALDC, everything always starts with the Group Mini Challenge.  This gives all the kids a chance to score a special prize and for host Kevin Manno to show off whatever new outfit he picked up at the Mall over the weekend.  He was looking a little Banana Republic this time around with the whole half zip sweater/untucked shirt thing going on, but I didn’t see a bag so I can’t be positive where it came from.

Dude.  If you wanna be Seacrest…get a stylist.  And stop doing that side of your mouth click/wink/thumbs-up thing when you leave the room.  You’re saying buh bye to 6 year olds, not telling some chick at the bar that you’ll see her in your dreams tonight.

Heaven must be missing an angel.  Call Me, Maybe?

To fully immerse the contestants in the Broadway Experience, choreographer Joyce Chittick put them through the type of cattle call dance audition that they should expect as they go out into the Real World, complete with a CD running on a constant loop and numbered post-its stuck to their outfits.

Since I myself have never had the correct footwear to partake in an open audition in New York City, the only times I’ve actually seen the sticky numbers in use have been during that dance marathon in Grease and at random cattle auctions, so I didn’t have much to compare it to as everyone began getting their Fosse on.

But I’m pretty sure it’s the same thing, right?

Instead of touching their flanks and determining if they would make good breeders, once the rehearsals were done Abby ran the number over and over and over again until only one dancer remained.

Amanda took the blue ribbon and scored this week’s solo.

As all the kids headed off to rehearse, the Moms all headed to the work room to throw down, Broadway Style.

To give them the benefit of the doubt, I’m going to assume that they all headed to the work room with the intentions of actually BeDazzling costumes, but before the first crystal was even hot glued down it was time for a little West Side Story rumble.

Erin and her comic book eyebrows initially tried to play Switzerland and let Kristie know that her arch enemy Yvette had actually said something nice about her sassy little daughter Asia, but the whole thing backfired and the two Moms went at it.  Again.

Kristie once again channeled her inner JLo as she blasted Yvette for making a child cry and then laughing about it both during and after the fact.

Yvette, who with a quick backhanded smear of some Revlon could easily play the Joker‘s wife on the old Batman TV show, laughed some more and then announced to everyone that JLo was trash.

The Dance Moms JLo, not the American Idol one.

JLo told her to Own It.”  Then Mrs. Joker laughed some more and Batman & Robin climbed up the outside of the building on a string.

Back at rehearsals, Hadley and Jordyn were working on their Vaudeville number, which meant that Moms Kelly and Yvette were on the same team.

Let’s be honest here.

Kelly should have just brought in a magazine or her Sudoku book to keep herself busy while Yvette took over that practice session.  I’m not even sure why she showed up.  Maybe Kelly was so silent because Yvette had sucked all the oxygen out of the room with her non stop yapping.  I dunno.

But every time the choreographer turned her back, or blinked, Yvette was right up there “cleaning up” the number and dissecting every eight count while Kelly sat back and wondered how her life had ended up the way it had.

Not to mention that Sudoku is too hard.

Special props to Yvette’s daughter Hadley for somehow mastering the art of tuning her mother out and still looking like she is listening.  It’s an art form that I really need to master.

On the other hand, life was more of a cabaret for Madison, Lexine and SassyPants Asia as they worked on their Liza Minnelli stool straddles.

JLo admitted that her 6 year old daughter was certainly doing some rather…uncomfortable ahem…adult moves this week, but that Anthony Burrell was keeping the choreography PG.

Ahem.  If I got a vote, I’d say PG-13.  But nobody asked me.  That 6 year old milkshake is definitely gonna bring all the boys to the yard.

And probably a Gladys Kravitz type neighbor in her housecoat carrying a brochure from Child Services.

“Abner!!  The neighbors are booty poppin’ again!”

Let’s just say that before we even got to the Judge’s Table I knew that Robin Antin and her glitter bombed décolletage would see all that hooch and bring up the Pussycat Dolls for the umpteenth time this season.

We get it.  You gave birth to the PCD.  We get it already.

Since Asia does not yet have as much junk in her trunk as older Hooters girls, she fell off her stool and got bopped in the nose which caused her to run off stage in tears.  Probably not what you want to do if you are trying to prove that you can hang with the older kids.  But she pulled it together and came back to crank it and get it up there” like a pro, as Robin tastefully pointed out later during the competition.

Yeah.  Six years old.  And cranking it.  Love her.

The third group number was an awkward Hip Hop salute to the NY Subway system, complete with a self professed pretty girl who thought only hobos use mass transit and a painfully Swag-challenged Zack.

Poor little guy.  First he was straddled with Elisabeth, who was clearly already plotting out when she should cry again as Brianna out danced her in rehearsals.  But now he also had to get down and dirty and buck in a reflective yellow maintenance worker’s vest that was 10 sizes too big for his little stick arms.

He admitted to having some issues getting his Swag on even before Mom Gina put yet another nail in his gym class beating coffin.

She just needs to stop talking.  Mom knows that he has to go to school at some point, right?  Every week she emasculates my buddy a little more.

Why does she keep bringing up the fact that he is not very manly?  And that he’s more of a Ballet Lyrical Boy.

Even a superhero with that name would get beat up at recess.

Geezis.  Just take him to the vet and be done with it.  Or shut up.  Team Zack all the way here.

Finally it was Showtime!

Robin was all shiny and sparkly.

Richy prematurely unleashed his fabulous web shooters all over the stage.

And Abby had clearly ridden in the taxi with the windows down, because I’m not sure what was going on with that hair.  Sometimes I think she must just piss off her stylists so much that they just send her out with no mirror and then give each other high fives when the cameras start rolling.  For realz.

The competition started with a group number.  Kind of a Crips vs. Bloods street fight in Madonna‘s old clothes.  I hope Zack remembers some of those punches for later, if you know what I mean.  Or just call me and I’ll protect you, buddy.

The cabaret number went exactly as we all expected.  The only problem was that tiny Asia is so…well…tiny, and the other two girls towered over her in all their hoochiness.

It looked more like a Take Your Daughter To Work Day at the strip club kind of thing.

But it gave Robin time to pimp out the PCD again.  Aren’t they retired now?  Didn’t one of them break a hip or something?  Love the PCD, and I know you wish your boyfriend was hot like me.  But it’s yesterday’s news.

The Vaudeville dance had one little goober when Hadley slipped on the floor.  I’m pretty sure Kristie clapped off stage a little and then threw a bottle of floor wax in the dumpster.

Gina told Zack to go out on stage and be a pimp, which was wrong in so many ways that I couldn’t even process the conversation.  Smothered by his MTA vest and clunking around in Timberland boots that weighed more than he did, my Boy gave it his best shot but clearly struggled to find his rhythm.  Or his Swag.

Or the muscle that makes your pelvis do the nasty.

Even Richy was so distraught that some kind of invisible Fierce Field actually prevented him from clapping when the number was over.  Almost.  But not quite.

When it was all said and done, Amanda was numero uno.  She rocked her solo and was the top dancer for the week.  Mom cried.

In a jaw dropping first evah…for this show at least…three contestants were in the bottom and had to dance for their lives.

Say wha–?!  A Dance Off!

I know, right?  When has that ever happened anywhere?

Not as much fun as lip synching for your life with RuPaul, but still competitive.

Elisabeth, Zack and Madison each had approximately 11 seconds to get their boogie feet going in one last attempt at staying in the competition.  They each had a couple of measures to do some kind of spin thing (…remember, I don’t have the shoes…so I’m a little rusty on the technical part…) and then one of Yvette’s eight counts to improv like their lives depended on it.

Naturally Elisabeth ate up half of her time with tears.  Dance tears, at least.  Not Divorce tears this time, which was a nice change of pace.  It’s hard being pretty, you know.

She even shimmied off the stage, rushing the Judge’s Table like they do on SYTYCD when they make Carrie Ann Inaba scream.  I think Richy actually shot one more web when she got all up in his grill so unexpectedly.

Zack tried the same thing.  Bad move, dude.

Madison remained on stage, most likely because her enormous fake eyelashes were messing with her depth perception.

And then Zack was either cut from the competition or got hit by the crosstown bus in midtown.  I’m not really sure what happened.

Everyone broke down into such hysterical sobbing and Italian funeral hysteria that I had to turn down the volume.  Crying.  Hugging.  Collapsing.  Dance Drama I tell you.

Lawd.  Where’s Spider-Man when you need him?

And then there were 8.

Abby’s Ultimate Dance Competition: If You Expect A Sassy Finger Wave, You Better Get Your Performance Face In Place, Honey. Let The Dancing Begin!

Wednesday, October 10th, 2012



Seriously. How many times have I said to only shoot me from here up..?





And I’ve been waiting for this my whooole life. And Dance Moms has only been on for two years. So I’m like totally psychic.





And then, no lie, she sez “You gotta risk it to get the biscuit.” Girrrrl, pleez. Honey Boo Boo Child sez that s*** is nasty.





And for the last time, it’s PCD. Not PCP. They just danced like they were on it.





“Dance like Fred Astaire or Mama yank yo’ hair.” You might want to put it on a glitter glue tee shirt if you know what I mean, honey.





Bitch, please. No more photos. Diva needs her juice box.





And so it begins.

For those of you having a tough time getting through the shakes and withdrawals of Dance Moms detox, it’s your lucky day.

Abby’s Ultimate Dance Competition has arrived to take the sting out of having to face the cold, hard fact that Chloe and Maddie are back in school and won’t be clawing their way up and down the ALDC Pyramid every week.

Dance Moms is over, but Abby Lee Miller ain’t going anywhere.

Considering the fact that a mere two years ago most of the Free World didn’t even know what ALDC even stood for, it’s a testament to everyone involved in the Dance Moms phenomenon that Abby and all her matchy-matchy primary colored accessories are now part of pop culture.

You go, girl.  You go all the way to Los Angeles.

And you start a dance competition show, girl.  Because Lord knows we don’t have enough of those on television already.

And so was born AUDC, not to be confused with the aforementioned ALDC even though it’s the same person.  So I understand if you already can’t keep up with what’s about to go down.

Yes.  It’s another dance competition show.  But it’s different.  The same.  But different.

It’s Dance Moms meets So You Think You Can Dance meets Survivor meets The Swan meets pretty much any show where someone gets cut every week and goes home crying.

And maybe even American Idol if you count host Kevin Manno and his skinny tie, who wants this whole thing so badly he even smells like Seacrest.  Pick your favorite Reality Show and you’ll probably find a little snippet of it in here somewhere.  But it’s all good.

The dealio is that 12 dancers and their 12 Dance Moms are all competing for one coveted spot in the Joffrey Ballet Young Dancers Program.

That’s right.  The same Joffrey Ballet where crazy Chaos Cathy Nesbitt and all her Candy Apples dancers almost got everyone booted out onto the streets of Manhattan for screaming and eating pepperoni pizza slices during open auditions back on that infamous episode of Dance Moms.

It looks like Abby and the admissions department all hugged it out though, because someone is going to score a spot at the Joffrey by the time this thing is all over.  And worst case, even if the lucky winner spends the rest of their career getting turned away at every audition and never dances again, they’re also leaving this show with $100,000 prize.

So it’s a pretty sweet deal.  Which would explain some of the Moms.

Since this was the first episode, it was more of a Meet & Greet for starters before the first elimination.  With a nod to Project Runway, we got to meet a few contestants stuck in traffic acting like they were on their way to meet Tim Gunn for the first challenge before Fashion Week.

Jordyn and her Mom Kelly were first up.  Jordyn looked like she was happy to be part of the show.  But not as happy as Mom.  Not even close.

Kelly was literally pinging off the car windows like a puppy on the way to the vet for the first time.  She was sooooooo excited to meet Abby.  She was living right now.  Living.  Someone crack a window.

The token boy of the show Zack, and Mom Gina were also excited.  Mom was nervous, but Zack was cool as a cucumber.  It’s totally irrelevant to the story, but Zack’s voice was not what I expected when he opened his mouth.  It was a little high, like a Nickelodeon cartoon, but he’s representing BoyPower and dude gets one bonus vote just because.

The last cab ride was with Hadley and Mom Yvette.  Hadley was kind of like a Paige 2.0 from Dance Moms.  Yvette was a dance teacher with a penchant for cutesy inspirational rhymes.

Yeah.  Let’s just say that if this was a VH1 Pop Up Video Show, right about now was when a neon “UH OH!” would have splopped up from the bottom of the screen because according to Lifetime TV, dance teachers never shut up.

My psychic powers told me that she would most likely try and get all up in every other choreographer’s face.  They also told me that she and Hadley had never seen an episode of Here Comes Honey Boo Boo, or the two of them would never have been so publicly celebrating their biscuits.

When everyone had finally made it to the fancy pants venue, it was time to meet Abby, who appeared to have swiped one of Maddie’s crowns and repurposed it into one major league headpiece.

Kelly had obviously not calmed down yet from the ride over, and probably had not wiped her PupKiss nose prints off the window either.  She was freaking.  Out.  Big.  Time.

During the explanation of the rules we met Elisabeth and her Mom Erin.  Both really nice and friendly, but you totally know that Erin has one of those plastic templates from Sephora that she uses on those eyebrows.

Whoa.  Just whoa.

We also met Tua and her Mom Shayna.  Mom was from Hawaii and made me want to book a flight just so she could greet me when I came off the plane.  I liked her smile.

The first challenge was to learn a group number in 45 minutes, which was taught by either Anthony Burrell or Ne-Yo.  It was hard to tell with that chapeau.

I wish I had a head for hats.  He looked fly.

Towards the end of their rehearsal, Abby came back in to check up on everyone and assign trios.  Her blinding head piece pretty much caused a few dancing trains to jump the track and then everyone either bumped into each other or looked at their Moms for guidance.

With a nod to either RuPaul’s Drag Race, where you have to hot glue gun a doll into a fierce Queen in under 45 minutes, or Shear Madness where you go all Supercuts on somebody’s nervous head, the point of the first mini challenge was to just pick a winner.  Plain and simple.  That winner then got either Tribal Immunity or the choice of dance style for the Trio Dance.

Elisabeth won, and she chose Contemporary.

The first real snark of the evening came when Yvette commented on Elisabeth’s seemingly overconfident attitude.  Whispering as though she had some government secrets or a juicy pregnancy rumor that she was about to break to the media, Yvette let us know that she was not that impressed with overconfident people.

Hello, Pot?  Meet Kettle.

The competition then broke up into 4 trios, with 4 dance styles.  Contemporary.  Hip Hop.  Tap.  Jazz.  That is what they would be judged on and then one of the little dancers would hit the road after all that work.  That’s why it’s called a competition, kids.

Somewhere along the way we also met the other two judges, but I forget where and when.  Trying to keep track of 12 brand new kids and 12 brand new Dance Moms is a lot of work, people.  You try it…and then maybe I can finally go to bed early one night.

Robin Antin.  Famous for the Pussycat Dolls, Botox and her Hair Guy brother Jonathan from Bravo TV.  What ever happened to him? He always had the best jackets.

And Richy Jackson.  Famous for tweaking his name like a crazy a** Toddlers & Tiaras contestant, those crazy a** BeDazzled vests and for teaching Lady Gaga how to dance in those crazy a** shoes and meat dress.

Since this was the first episode, they had to cram in all the rules and all the new faces, so a few Moms and kids got slighted.  That’s probably also code for who the producers think is the craziest and makes for good TV, which is fine by me.  We love crazy.

To keep this thing moving, I’ll skim over the trio rehearsals and the guest choreographers.

Except for the Bobby Newberry part.

I just can’t.  That bitch is so faaaaabulous that I almost paused my DVR and drove across town to the RamRod Discoteca just to slap a Club Kid in the face.  Seriously.

I hear you talkin’.  I see you walkin’.  Don’t need no squawkin’.  MmmHmm. Werk.

Where’s my glue gun?

Since everyone was new, the MomDrama was fairly limited except for a little sumthin sumthin that was about to go down during Showtime.  Leading up to the actual competition though, most of the Moms played nice even though some of them wouldn’t stop yakking.  And my psychic powers were once again proven accurate as Yvette got all up in her choreographer’s face until she was pretty much told to sit on her own hands and shut up.

Finally it was Showtime!

Richy was rocking the whackiest vest yet and Robin was rocking about two cans of Jonathan’s hairspray.  No wonder he gave up the product line.

First trio: Hip Hop.  Sassy little Asia made Mom Kristie proud by booty popping her way around the stage like Beyoncé while Jordyn and Lexine played like paparazzi stalkers.  It wasn’t really full scale hip hop, but more like three little girls acting out a video they weren’t supposed to be watching online.

Lexine goobed up her front walkover, which everyone seems to do on Lifetime at some point, which in turn made Mom Maria cry.  She cried a lot this week.  She also immediately assumed that Lexine would be going home since she blew her routine, and immediately told her the news before the judges had even seen the other numbers.

The loud ‘pop’ you heard was a young girl’s self esteem going buh bye, which resulted in the oddest back alley Dance Mom throw down we’ve seen yet.

Jordyn’s Mom Kelly tried to talk some sense into Maria, until Maria screamed at a kid that she didn’t own and then everyone blew a little nutty.  You don’t yell at the wrong kid.

Second trio: Jazz.  Since it has been well documented that I know nothing about dance but insist on talking like I do, I’m not sure if it’s a Lifetime TV thing or a general industry rule that every boy who dances has to do that one leg up in the air move like my man Lucas always did on Dance Moms: Miami.  Because Zack was busting them out like it was his day job.

(And speaking of Miami…you tell me that Victor and Angel weren’t sending out a string of phantom tweets tonight wondering why these f***ing newbies were all hogging their time slot.  Oh, Lifetime…)

Hadley and Madison completed that trio and got pretty good props from the judges.

Third trio: Tap.  Finally.  You never see tap in these shows.  Or anywhere, for that matter, unless you still own a black & white TV and get that channel that always shows Busby Berkeley movies.

Tua didn’t care for the dance style and doinked it up a little bit.  Tessa and Kyleigh Jai didn’t seem to be loving it either.  Maybe it was just the whacky Old Hollywood flapper wigs that looked like ginormous steel wool scrubby sponges on their heads that was making them lose their focus.  We’ll never know.

Tessa got called out for no performance face.  Mom Renee‘s arms were so jacked I’m not sure that I would have even messed with her kid.  But Abby is pretty ballsy.

Final trio: Contemporary.  With the confident Elisabeth and Brianna and Amanda.

Yeah.  Not so much. Elisabeth didn’t have a very good night.

Amanda was great.  Richy gave the whole thing a finger wave, which looked like he was clubbing and forgot to buy a glow stick.  Miss Thang?  He loved it.

When the judges all ganged up on Elisabeth and asked her why her head wasn’t in the game, she broke down and played the Divorce Card.  With a nod to All My Children, Liz broke down and revealed that Mom and Dad were divorcing and dance was her escape from all the bad stuff at home.

Shayna got all Hawaiian OhNoSheDin’t and then the whole thing just kind of backfired on Elisabeth.  Home is a hot mess?  Leave it at home.  Thank you very much, missy.

You don’t see Celine bawling like a baby do you?

In a show of whatever the opposite of solidarity is called, all the other Moms immediately figured that both Mother and Daughter were using the divorce to distract the rest of us from the fact that Elisabeth can’t keep her knees together.  Even the breakdown of the holy sanctity of marriage can’t cover the fact that somebody’s technique sucks big ones.

After some more tears and 30 seconds of Survivor theme song drums, Tessa was the first one cut due to the whole performance face being MIA thing.

Mom flexed her guns and then the two of them dragged their luggage out the door and out of the competition as Tessa expressed her displeasure with the results and pretty much almost gave Abby a special finger wave of her own.

And then there were 11.

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