Posts Tagged ‘Beauty Pageants’

Toddlers & Tiaras: Git It Gurrrrl! That’s Right…It’s Time To Sparkle And Spray Again, Baby. They’re Baaaaaaack!

Thursday, August 25th, 2016

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I swear.  Some of these Mamas get me so stressed out I could almost blink.

 

 

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I know you’re not gonna ask me to put on some cheer bow from Claire’s when my hair is on point.

 

 

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If she don’t want it, I’ll take it. Bows are kinda my thing…

 

 

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Somebody better start blending, cuz I’m not leaving the house with my tracks showing.

 

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Telling you right now I’m not missing Leg Day cuz some crazy Mama can’t read a damn clock.

 

 

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Look! I literally filled my own cavity with a big bag of sequins from Michaels. This s*** just got real.

 

 

 

Buckle up that car seat, kids.

Make sure the lid on your sippy cup is secure, too.

And you might wanna even take out that flipper so you don’t choke on it.

Because…yes.

tumblr_n5hcm3Cd9y1qlvwnco1_500Yaaas.

tumblr_o52nnutCWg1rlafseo1_400Yaaaas.

dsghfdsgfhAnd just…yes.

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Toddlers & Tiaras is back.

And it’s back with a vengeance.

The dry spell is over.  After disappearing from television screens for a long 3 years, all the glitz, glam and go-go juice is back in our face.  But with an upgrade.

It’s Toddlers 2.0.

Or what we like to call the Dance Mom-ization of the Free World.

ezgif.com-cropMore Noise.  More Mama Drama.

More crazy Moms (…Spoiler Alert…) sprawled out all over the furniture being crazy.  Then some more noise.  And then some more Mama Drama.

And, if time allows between commercials, maybe even some tiny kids trying to balance ginormous sparkle crowns on their heads.

Side note:  Srly?  Three years later and we still haven’t found a way to make headgear that…I dunno…actually fits a head?  How many unaired scenes involving the Jaws of Life do you think we’ve missed over the years?

Look at this poor kid.  A headband, a hair bow, a ponytail, two hands and the thing still won’t stay on her head.  What the h***?  She’s like 17 pounds soaking wet.

crwThere’s starving Vegas Showgirls out there who could use those crystals.

I love this show, BTW.

And now it’s back.  And just in time.

After months of getting in and out of my bathing suit after all those summer BBQs…

pricklylegs.tumblr1…nobody was happier to see this show return than me.

Except for maybe Cambrie Littlefield.

Because she’s reeeeaaaallly into pageants.  Like…really.

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You remember Cambrie.  We heart her.

She’s the pageant coach owner of Cambrie’s Court School for Gifted Pageant Girls in Las Vegas, which I swear used to be called Cambrie’s Cuties before the 2.0 Upgrade.

Even Cambrie herself got an upgrade.  Dang, gurl.

Last time we saw Cam I think she was in some country bar or something doing pretty feet in thigh high boots.  If we’re being honest, my DVR taped over all the old T & T episodes with new General Hospitals, so I can’t go back and research my facts.

But I don’t think I’m making that part up.  Or I could be.

But we love her no matter what.  She’s sassy.

Look at her kicking it like some Real Housewife of Nevada in a Reunion Show dress that’s cut almost all the way up to the Vegas Strip.

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giphy-1A self-proclaimed Pageant Goddess since the age of 2 who can’t keep a Second Place trophy OR a Man, Cambrie is #Goals.

Moving on down the road a bit to Phoenix, we next met pageant coach, Jaimie.

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She’s sassy, too.

Except I hope she’s trademarked her sass.

Or at least the Sassy Supremes logo on her biz cards.

For some reason they filmed all her confessionals in what looked like some kind of set for a high school production of Grease.  Not sure what that was all about since Cambrie was shot in about 14 different locations with 14 different cocktails.

Please tell me I’m not the only one who noticed that.

Here’s Cambrie staying hydrated in a Crate & Barrel showroom.

clI love her even more now.

Freshen my drink, Jeeves, or I’ll see you in Cambrie’s Court.

As part of the 2.0 Upgrade, there’s more of a focus on rival pageant coaches, which was demonstrated through one of those CNN Election Center split screens.

ss107Oh, yeah.  It’s on.

The first little nugget we met was 4 year old Kallyn and her Mom Megan, who was spread out like it was her day job on one of those giant couches that looked like it should come with a built-in cup holder.

Look at her.

megAnd then look at her again.

legsIs she wearing one of those bow ties that squirt water?

Needless to say, I immediately fell in love with her.

tumblr_m7wjveEFz71r4ghkoo1_400Disclaimer for those of you who’ve never had the pleasure of this blog:  Relax.

It’s all in fun.  I love every single Kid and Mom that’s ever been on this show.  Nothing is ever done to be mean.  It’s called Reality TV for a reason.

Just ask Paisley‘s Mom.  Who I probably traumatized more than any other Mom.

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Q. What ever happened to them, anyway?

They were supposed to meet me at P.F. Chang’s like 4 years ago.

They probably gave away our table by now.

Anyway.

Kallyn had on the best ‘Hot Mess’ shirt evah, accessorized with these giant gold pearls that were big enough to keep her afloat should she ever fall overboard.

Look at my dab.

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81eb2548668087cd277add7939ac469eUnfortunately, they couldn’t protect her from the hazards of that whatchamacallit playground thing that spins you around until you puke.

Because Puke Happened.

Luckily, it happened before Jaimie showed up with about 20 feet of garden hose looking like she was there to clean the pool.  Look at her.

poolTurns out it was a mobile spray tan machine.  My bad.

Because it wouldn’t be Toddlers & Tiaras without somebody getting a couple coats of Krylon in the kitchen, right?

Side note:  Anyone else notice that as soon as Mom jumped off the couch to greet Jaimie, some man took over her spot like one of those Grammy Award seat fillers?  I’m gonna assume that it was Kallyn’s Dad in the pink shirt, because Real Pageant Men Wear Pink.

Side note #2:  One of my all-time favorite parts of this show has always been the random assortment of nameless children and pets that appear and disappear at whim in the background as the plot thickens.  Check out this shot where there’s so much going on that I had to pause the Xfinity box to take it all in.

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You got a dog thinking there’s Milk-Bones in the pool pack, about to get konked in the head.  You got Kallyn’s Jazzercise headband and Joan Collins necklace.  You got Jaimie losing her grip on the oxygen hose about to konk the previously mentioned dog in the head.  And there’s even some other kid way back there in the West Wing holding up a baby like they’re performing the opening song from The Lion King.  What is that even all about?

And how does that even happen in Real Life?

Side note #3:  Jaimie charges $55 an hour to carry around all crap.

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I’m in the wrong biz.

Either before or after getting her extensions clipped in for a test-drive (…I forget…) Kallyn got her tongue spray tanned and then Mom rattled off all the recent pageant goodness that totaled up to approximately $2,500 in America dollars.

tumblr_inline_n96vunKMhd1sdanxjI’m seriously in the wrong biz.

The second contestant we met was 3 year old Selyse and her Mom Kim.

Here she is from an upcoming episode of TLC‘s new show Pageant Baby Hoarders:

waldoCan you even find her?  She’s so cute you really need to make the effort.

It’s like the best Where’s Waldo? ever.

Selyse was Kim’s Surprise Birth Control Baby, which I’m assuming meant that she either came as a Gift With Purchase down at Walgreen’s or the pills didn’t do what the doctor said they would do when he wrote the prescription.  Ouch.

Mom didn’t spend much time clarifying the talking points.

Most likely because she had a tooth ache.  Because she had a hole in her tooth.

Because she spent all her money on a tiny pageant dress that cost more than her wedding gown and now she was just going to have to wait until she blacked out from oral nerve damage since she couldn’t afford any Anbesol to take the edge off.

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Regardless, Selyse was born and she’s so cute you really need to try and find her again.

Oh, wait.  There she is.

w2I believe there were a total of 3 children running around the house, but it was hard to tell.

The one who I assume was the brother even dropped what I initially believed to be an ironing board on Selyse’s head, but it turned out to just be a bunch of PVC pipes shaped like an ironing board that were laying around the house.

Because, of course.

The third and final pageant hopeful this week was 4 year old Lilly and her Mom Amber.  And Grandma, who fell in the backyard mud bog/creek before we even learned her name.

Mom was In.  It.  To.  Win.  It.

To the point where she had already spent upwards of $45,00 in American dollars on pageant gear and dry-cleaning for Nana.  Really.  She said that.

Or most of that, anyway.

tumblr_inline_n96vunKMhd1sdanxjAnd then Cambrie showed up wearing some kind of a cross between a Gladiator Vixen and a Forever 21 mannequin and that tie dye fabric they always use instead of dressing room doors in that store where everything is made out of hemp.

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Am I wrong?  I don’t think so.

Sometimes I swear Cam wears the same size as her clients.  But it’s ok.

Because she’s #Goals.

And she charges $175 for one class.

tumblr_inline_n96vunKMhd1sdanxjCambrie was quick to point out that Jaimie only charges $50+.

But you won’t learn anything.

omggif_zps1bcdb557To burn off some of that snark, we next headed to Cambrie’s Bootcamp Class where everyone was dressed like the Dance Moms Minis.

minisExcept for Jayliana, who refused to wear a stupid gold lamé bow because her hair was looking so fresh.

bowwwShe totally got all like that lady from Bring It!

tumblr_nu0cuxxFiG1tb8iyko1_500Until her Mom scooted her out screaming “I’m Done!” like it really WAS Dance Moms.

tumblr_o0i686Dra91tb8iyko1_500Side note:  Before leaving, Mom made Jayliana recite the 3 things you need in Pageantry:

Smartness.  Beautiful.  And Talent.

Which were so awesomely grammatically nonsensical that if TLC doesn’t give JayBae her own show next year I’m creating a page on Kickstarter.

Somewhere around here was also when Jaimie sent all her little girls to the mall to loiter and perform for random strangers, which sounds way worse than it actually was.

She wanted them to get over their stage fright by physically blocking everyone trying to get into Subway.  And it worked.

Until Selyse didn’t know her routine and got called out in front of everyone, which made Mom lose her nutty right there in front of Radio Shack.

Look at her blocking that total stranger from entering the store.

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 Is that even legal?  No wonder they’re going out of business.

With only a day or so to go before the pageant, there was just enough time for Cambrie to invite her BFF Dallas Lovato to come down and show these little peanuts how to be a STAR.  Because that’s what she does.

A few highlights from the visit:

Cambrie made Dallas wear a bow, too.  I don’t care who you are.

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Dallas wore a stupid bow, came all the way down from wherever to help out and this was the best scroll the production company could come up with.  Look at her face.

dl2Lilly gave an Emmy worthy performance as a Happy Monkey.

hmAnd then her Mom had a Moment.

oprah-cryingJust.  So.  Proud.

Finally, it was Showtime!

And time for my Boo Tonya Bailey to get this whole jungle-themed Bailey’s Pageant extravaganza started.  The Bailey Bunch is in da house!

You remember Tonya.  She did this once for some reason…

tumblr_lxwljjsatX1qb9pa3o1_500-1And even wore a Swarovski encrusted pirate eye patch one time that was way cooler than the one Bob Costas wore when he got Pink Eye during the Olympics.

costas-eye-patch

With the new 2.0 Upgrade, we got a zillion snippets of performances before the show even started (…which was kind of a Brain F*** to be honest…) but it gave Tonya time to lay down some of the rules and regs and to tell these new Pageant Moms to chillax.

tbFrom the Book of Tonya:

“You paid for someone else’s opinion.”

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“If you don’t have the funds, you might wanna find another hobby.”

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“I’m not going bug eyed, am I?”

tb4No, of course not.

clockwork-orangeWell…maybe just a little.

And Todd was back as emcee!!

Dat’s rite, ladies.  Dolla Dolla Bill, yo.

Tonya’s Boy Toy was back and more jacked up than ever, complete with an inflatable monkey tail that was a little distracting given that there were so many kids in the room.

toddI love Todd, too, in that awkward bromance kind of way.  And…yes…technically I suppose he’s probably more of a husband than a Boy Toy, but this recap is already running way too long for me to keep rehashing the whole Season 6 frosted tips situation…

But that was then.  This is now.

Now Todd’s rocking that buzz cut fade on the side with long hair on the top thing that everyone from Jersey keeps posting on their Instagrams.  You go, boyeeeeee.

Less Boy Band, more guy handing out free Quest Bars at GNC.

Todd 2.0.

Needless to say, it wouldn’t be an episode of T & T if there wasn’t some hotel room pregame panic.  And this time it belonged to Selyse, who was dragging a** until Mom pumped some hi-grade Mega Ultimate Supreme Red Bull into her tank.

And it worked.

One Sip.  Ding.

rbTwo Sips.  Ding Ding.

rb2Three Sips.  Ding Ding Ding.

tb4Look at her in her Snuggie.

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Selyse is literally every girl who ever got dumped in college right after getting her hair did.

Unfortunately, the Red Bull didn’t speed up the car enough, because Selyse missed the entire Beauty portion of the pageant.  Like…didn’t even make it up on stage.

Which made Mom do this…

oh2And then this…

ohAnd then it was over.

Really.

That fast.  Over.

Before we even saw anybody do anything on stage.  What?

Nobody said this was gonna be a 2 parter.

I guess that means we gotta do it again next week to see what happens.

Which is fine by me.

Toddlers is back.

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Toddlers & Tiaras: If I Were A Rich Girl I Would Rule The World, Break A Few Hearts…And Buy Candy And Stuff.

Friday, October 4th, 2013

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If I Were A Rich Girl I’m pretty sure that I wouldn’t be sitting in a hot Ramada on a Saturday afternoon. Let’s be real here.

 

 

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Oh, yeah. Now THAT is what I’m talkin’ about, boyz. Some of these chicks are waaaay older than 5 years old. Jackpot!

 

 

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Shut. Up. There’s BOYS here? And they have money in their pants? I think I just scored me a case of Tic Tacs.

 

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I have no idea where I am right now, but I hear all the single ladies screaming so I must have pulled for a higher title.

 

 

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My name is Ashley. I’m a beauty queen. Those other girls must be crazy if they think they’re gonna beat me Honey Live Thru Your Child.

 

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I swear to Gawd. If I find one more of my crowns in her room I’m gonna change the front door lock.

 

 

km

 

 

 

That’s right! Money. Stapled to a paper plate. Bitches love that kinda s***.

 

 

 

And finally, it has come to pass.

As was foretold in the Book of Honey Boo Boo, the time is now upon us.

We all want to win moneeeeeeeeey.  Lots of it.  A ton would be nice, actually.

Money to save and squander and staple to the same flimsy Dixie plates they use for greasy pizza slices down at the State Fair.  So much money that you can fan yourself with it like a Big Girl in church in the middle of July.  Money.  Money.  Money.

Luckily, Toddlers & Tiaras knew just where to find some extra cash this week, courtesy of the If I Were A Rich Girl Pageant and Director Betty Burns.

Oh, Betty.

I like her, and would probably invite her to go clubbing with me and my hand-picked collection of crazy pageant directors when we all party bus it down to Manhattan, but I’m afraid that she smokes and would spend most of the night running outside for a quick butt instead of making sure that Annette Hill doesn’t fall off the speaker.

Now I don’t have any proof that Betty enjoys the tobacco other than her husky voice and that smoker laugh, but it sure sounded familiar.  You know the laugh.

The kind of laugh that drives you crazy when someone is trying to tell you a joke because right when they’re getting to the good part they laugh that smoker laugh which inevitably turns into five minutes of coughing and knocking silverware off the table and then by the time you go get them a glass of water and a clean spoon they completely forget what they were talking about in the first place.

That kind of laugh.

But I don’t know if she smokes or not.  I don’t even know when they filmed this episode, so she could have been at a Rolling Stones concert the night before, body surfing and mosh pitting her vocal cords to their max for all I know.

She was wearing a rocker chick necklace, now that you mention it.

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Before Betty knocked any forks on the floor, she explained how the Rich Girl Pageant was going to go down this week.

You win money.  And then you go home.  The End.

I only wish all the other pageants had such simple rules.  And then Betty laughed really loudly again and I swore a Bingo marker fall out of her purse.

The first tiny princess we met was 4 year old Kate and her Mom Jessica.

And Kate’s little doll Katie.

Both K1 and K2 were cuties.  And both appeared to have the ability to spin their heads completely around without any long term damage to their spines.  Like Devil Babies.

Kate was a delightful handful of HyperSpaz, with one of those Silly Putty faces that could morph into any position imaginable as she talked and talked and talked and clucked like a chicken and then talked and talked some more.

Her Stretch Armstrong cheeks were just made for Grandma squishing.  So cute.

If Kate could stop talking long enough to actually win the Rich Girl Pageant, she was going to buy the world.  And 100 boxes of Tic Tacs.  And your hollowed out soul.

Muuuwaahahahahaha.

As Kate pressed her face against the camera lens and Katie opened her button eyes and began breathing on her own, we headed off to meet the second princess.

Who was actually a prince.

That’s right.  Boy in the hizzle!

Shout Out to 5 year old Kaden and his Mom Melissa for bringing some testosterone to the table this week!

Kaden was both a player and a playa.  Football and the Ladies, yo.

With his pre-school “Hey Girl” eyes and buzz cut ‘do, Kaden and his equally buzzed older sibling Zack looked like they both fell right off the Willie Wonka movie screen.

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Or maybe the Alice in Wonderland movie screen.  The one with those rolly polly twins.

Something with Tim Burton or Johnny Depp, for sure.

Or maybe Spanky and the Little Rascals.  I don’t know.  I couldn’t decide.

But they were a matched set for sure, right down to their fly moves and after school snack chub.  Zack had already retired from pageantry after discovering his true calling as a coach, and was now showing his baby bro how to bring home a few crowns and phone numbers with just a wink and one of those snap/point things that DBags always do when they see a hot chick.

But it wasn’t DBaggy at all when Kaden did it.  I think 9 years old is probably the cut off for that move before it gets you slapped at a Hooters.

Zack had patented his own line of logo tee shirts and “The Walk,” which he demonstrated as Kaden headed off to get his hair and nails did.

Waddle.  Waddle.  Freeze.  Boom.

Kaden had almost no hair and little stubby fingernails, but somehow they were getting did before the competition.  And he was in Heaven, because Kaden loved some quality metrosexual time under the dryer with the girls down at Sigmuh Hair Studio.

Can we just say that when he showed up at the salon dressed like W.C. Fields in a 1920’s golfing outfit I pretty much had a moment of my own?

Love this dude.  But not in a creepy judge way.  That comes later.

The last contestant for the week was 6 year old Cherish and her former Sparkle Baby turned Mom Ashley, who would have better luck detoxing cocaine from her system than getting rid of the pageant bug.

Back in the day, Ashley was scoring gigantic crowns right and left and clearly had never quite shaken off the whole competition thing.  Mom was still in it to win it, right down to her refusal to stop wearing those big hair bows that the little girls wear on Dance Moms.

Lucky for her, this week’s pageant was going to have a Glamour Mom portion which was specifically created for anyone with a weakening death grip on their fleeting youth and a fancy dress from the second floor of Macy’s.

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I just can’t.  And I won’t.

When she wasn’t trying to beat out her own daughter on stage, Ashley also liked to make those realistic looking vinyl dolls you see on Dateline (…”show me where he touched you again”…) which the producers thankfully explained fairly quickly before half of America called 911 to report seeing a naked baby in this crazy woman’s oven.

Mom was better at painting the dolls and at pageants.  That’s two already, for anyone who was counting.  You may need both hands by the end.

Outside, Mom and Cherish then competed in a push up contest seemingly just to prove once and for all that kids suck at everything except getting stuck in small spaces.

Three for three.  Thanks for playing.

While Ashley did a victory dance in Cherish’s sad puppy dog face, Kate was at home going completely mental bouncy ball over her new Rich Girl outfit that had just arrived.

It had feathers.  Lots of feathers.  All over the dress and headpiece.  Which apparently kicked in some post-hypnotic suggestion from years ago that she cluck like a chicken whenever she sees feathers for the rest of her life.

This was gonna be a long day.

Having survived the humiliation of the push up contest, Cherish was next put through a quick review of Mom’s trophies vs. her little assortment of runner-up trophies, including one hairbrush prize that Ashley snatched from her tiny hands and put back in the MomCase.  How’d that get over there?  That’s mine, girlfriend.

Cherish’s Rich Girl outfit was going to be her interpretation of what Justin Bieber‘s wife would wear on the Red Carpet.  If Mom ever finished sewing the damn thing,  I mean.

Thankfully, Ashley’s glitterized full length Glamour Mom gown was ready to go in the garment bag, along with matching shoes and a Starbucks cup.  Priorities.

I just can’t.  And I won’t.

Mom did point out that Cherish’s dress “…is cute, too…” before making sure that all her MomTrophies were accounted for and arranged numerically by year.

Finally, it was Showtime!

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Hair and makeup was pretty low key compared to past episodes.  No real meltdowns or double shot espressos.

It was right around this point that I realized the episode was actually kinda sorta about the kids this week.  For a change.

After weeks and weeks of Hood Rats and Mom Spats, it was almost refreshing to see a preschool girl putting on lip gloss in a hotel room…a statement which just came out of my mouth sounding waaaaay creepier than it sounded in my head.

The stage was set with a backdrop of those dollar bill shower curtains they sell at Spencer Gifts as Kaden hit the lights for the Beauty portion.

Looking like he was on his way to a job interview at the Cartoon Network, he confidently non-DBagged his way around the platform like a Boss and then headed off to change into his Sharp Dressed Man outfit.

Judge Johnny Ray Browning felt that Kaden did well, but needed to let his hair grow out if he really wanted to be a competitor.  I guess any adult male who can rock a circa 1982 Liza Minelli haircut and soul patch should know what he’s talking about when it comes to the latest trends in competition coiffure, right?

Cherish’s homemade dress didn’t fit quite right, which meant that she wasn’t flawless going into the competition.  Which Mom said you have to be to win in this biz.

When she came off the stage, Johnny pointed out that Cherish should have spent another couple of hundred dollars to really make that dress sparkle, and then he sang a medley from Liza with a Z.

Kate had big hair, but was still swallowed up by her dress.  Bummer.

The Rich Girl Wear was when the party started.

Kaden’s Sharp Dressed Man suit was lined with money and he made it rain down on those bitches.  Cherish pulled out her blinged out credit card on cue, but then couldn’t rip off her tear-away skirt fast enough and froze on stage.

Ashley politely pointed out that Cherish just lost the competition with that blunder and that they should probably go home now, except that Mom had to go up on stage and outdo her daughter one more time.  Somebody in this family needed to be a winner.

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I felt so bad for Cherish.  She is so cute, and was so sad that she lost out to Mom.

Again.

You know she’s back home right now doing one armed pushups in the basement and is getting ready to throw a beat down on her Mom’s a** at the next competition.

You go, girl.

Kate’s Chicken Dance didn’t go as badly as Mom expected.  She maintained her focus and didn’t cluck until she got off stage.

Please tell me you saw the Hip Hop Guy with his blinged out 2Pac necklace jammin’ in the audience with The Supremes during Kate’s routine.

What the what–?  I love this show.

To finish things off, Ashley was late to the Glamour Mom walk of shame and just made it on stage before judging.  I’m kind of obsessed with whoever that was that led all the Moms out on stage in her sash and Walking Co. sneakers.  Call me.

Then some kids…and Moms…won some stuff.

Kaden and Kate did great.  Kaden scored some loot and Kate scored some crazy like a loon loot.  Really.  It’s a special category just for her.

Poor Cherish got whooped by Mom…again…and got really sad.  So sad I had to hug my television set and tell her it would be ok, and then slap it when Mom said that she got what she deserved.

Nice.  You might want to Google the word ‘Supportive’ on that new iPad you just won.

Mom was torn between high-fiving everyone in the room, doing the Pee Wee Tequila Dance or just sitting down and consoling her daughter.  It was a tough call because that crown felt so good on her head.  Sooooooooo good.

Like I thought she was gonna ask to bum a smoke off Betty it was so good.

And then it was over.

Betty wanted everybody out.  Now.

No mo’ money.  Go home.

The End.

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